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Ches couldn’t help but smirk to himself as his friend dragged a long line of chalk down the center of their new shared bedroom. It was their first day out on “tour”, and this would soon become their new home base. It had been just under a year since WhoAreThoseFreaksOnStage? had their first performance, a only a month after they had been signed on by their manager. The boys were absolutely over the moon! This was everything they could’ve wanted and more.
Since being signed they had been working their asses off. They performed every other night at various different bars, and on their off time Ches, with the occasional help from Glam, wrote new songs for the band that they’d be recording to put on an album. An album! None of these boys ever imagined their career would go this far but hell if they were going to waste it. They were going to put everything they had into this.
So, now that they were finally going on “tour”, driving to nearby cities and testing the waters in bigger venues, and eventually being the opening acts for some local bands, Glam wanted to set some boundaries. After all, he had spent time living with Ches before they went on tour, and he knew what he needed now to be successful.
“This,” Glam started as he finished off his line crossing the room, “is my territory. You can make whatever mess you want over there as long as it doesn’t stink, but this area is mine.” the young blonde insisted.
Naturally, Ches teased the little snob a bit from time to time, but he understood why Glam needed his own space. He respected it. Glam was never really afforded a space that was just his own, whether he had to use his space to hide things from his father or had to share Ches’ room in the RV. And honestly, Ches was proud of Glam for setting these boundaries. Even if he’d never say it.
“Okay, okay, whatever you say princess.” Ches hummed as he kicked off one of his socks, watching as it landed on Glam’s side of the room.
“You—“
Ches smirked as he watched Glam’s eyebrow twitch just slightly in frustration.
“Pick that up right now! You did that on purpose!”
Ches chuckled at Glam's perfect reaction and got up, dramatically bowing as he picked up his sock and tossed it haphazardly behind him, “Apologies your majesty.” Ches mused, glancing up to watch Glam roll his eyes and hop onto his bed.
—————
The first week of performances were a rush! The lights and the crowds and the adrenaline (and the girls~). It was all so exhilarating and so exhausting that by the end of the week, after their final performance that week, all the boys had in them to do was crash.
All but Glam that was… See, Glam hadn’t been away from his old home for long. The thought of his father finding him and taking him back there… it terrified him. Every day before he could get into a show proper, he had to scan through the crowd. Make sure there was nobody from his previous life in sight. And tonight? Well, he saw a fellow student from the conservatory, and it shook him to his core.
The first song they performed Glam was completely off, and Ches noticed this. While the crowd was still roaring in applause from their first song, Ches stepped aside, just for a moment, taking Glam’s shoulder and asking if he was okay.
Of course, Glam dismissed him. He was fine, that’s what he told Ches. And the show went on without a hitch.
At the after party Glam was nowhere to be seen, and once Ches was sufficiently partied out, all he wanted to do was roll into bed and pass out for the night. And then she saw Glam… hunched over in bed, tucked away into the corner where his bed met the dresser and the wall. His makeup was running, now dried on his face, and there were a few spots on his unusually exposed arm where it looked like Glam had scratched the scabs off. Ches never understood how Glam couldn’t just let them heal… Even after all the bandages and ointments and custom made leather cuffs, Glam still picked at them. And all they did was get worse.
“Hey, Glam..?” Ches whispered, sitting next to Glam and watching as the other boy shot awake, looking terrified. “It’s just me, it’s me.” Ches said quickly, raising his hands away from Glam, “I just want to help you clean up and get ready for bed.”
Glam looked tiredly down at himself and frowned, “I—… I’m fine Ches. I can clean up myself.” Glam muttered, pushing Ches slightly as he peeled himself out of bed and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
Ches waited a long while for Glam to be done, but eventually he knew the other boy wasn’t coming back out till Ches was asleep. Ches knew better than to confront Glam like that but after the performance mishap earlier today, he needed to make sure Glam was taken care of.
But, of course, Ches gave in. He was drunk and exhausted, and eventually he had to fall asleep. And when he did he fell asleep fast.
Once he heard the tell tale sound of Ches’ snoring and heavy breathing as he slept, Glam stepped out of the bathroom. His makeup was mostly scrubbed off and the cleaned up blood on his arm was drying over again. But still, he couldn’t stop shaking.
This happened to him before, the panic attacks. His hands would start to shake, his mind would run places he never wanted to return to, and slowly but surely, it started to feel like he couldn’t breathe as the years of abuse and torment played themselves over in his mind.
Glam laid in bed, clutching his hands together and closing his eyes as tight as he could to try and stop the phantom images and sounds, but they only grew louder. More clear.
As the blonde pried his eyes open once again, all he saw was Ches, crouched down at the side of his bed, looking like he was about to say something when his friend locked eyes with him.
The sudden closeness made Glam move back suddenly, like he was trying to get away from the other boy, before he felt Ches’ hand touch his own and let his body give in to the need for comfort.
Before Ches could even speak, Glam whispered, “Ches… I need you…”
“Tell me what you need.” Ches nodded.
For as much of a dumbass Ches was, Glam felt like Ches understood him. When Glam really needed him, he was there.
“Lay with me…” Glam said softly, moving over to Ches could have room in his bed.
As Ches laid down, Glam adjusted himself so Ches’ chest rested against his back, “Now… hold me…” Glam took Ches’ hands in his and pulled them close to his chest. “Like this.”
Ches simply did as he was told, holding Glam close and enveloping the small man with his warmth. And eventually, Ches felt Glam’s breathing steady. His hands stopped shaking and soon, Glam was asleep in his arms. And he could finally let himself fall asleep, knowing Glam was safe.
—————
Glam insisted after that night sleeping next to eachother like that would be a one time thing. He only asked Ches to do it because he was scared… Scared of what he might do to himself if he hadn’t had that comfort and someone holding onto him.
That was, of course, till seven months later during their tour. This time, Glam was in Ches’ bed, holding the other man, running his hand over the others hair as Ches openly sobbed into his arms.
Glam thought it was silly, really. Why Ches was crying to him like this. But the mix of drugs in his system on top of the fact that his girlfriend of a whole month and a half broke up with him at least made some sense to Glam.
“You know she wasn’t worth it, right?” Glam said as he reached over, plucking a tissue from the nearby box and handing it to Ches. “You knew her for two months and honestly, she wasn’t the nicest woman.”
“But…” Ches paused for a long moment, “Glam everyone leaves me… am I… just not good enough?”
Glam frowned slightly, “Why would you think that Ches? Just because some floozy girls don’t want to stay with you?”
Ches didn’t say anything, he just nodded and sniffled.
Glam sighed and took Ches’ face in both his hands, “You know you deserve better than those girls. Right Ches? They don’t care about you. They like your music and they think you’re hot but they don’t like you. And I know that’s harsh but it’s the truth. They only want you for selfish reasons. To look cool in front of their friends or some crap.” Glam says as he rolls his eyes and watches as Ches’ ugly crying face softens.
“You… you think so..?” Ches asks, looking up at Glam with puppy dog eyes.
Glam nodded, looking down at Ches seriously, “If you really want to get into a real relationship, go out and meet someone who doesn’t know you. So they’ll like you for more than what you can do for them. They like you for you.” Glam said, hugging Ches close now, “If you don’t you’re only going to keep getting your heart broken.”
“When did you get so good at this love life advice Glam?” Ches asked, sniffling again as he relaxed into Glam’s embrace.
“From watching you.” Glam smiled a bit, “I do care about you Ches. And all these things I’m saying to you are things I’ve thought about. You don’t take the best care of yourself, Ches.”
“I know… That’s what I have you for though! Right?” he asked as he rested his head on Glam's chest once again.
“You know I won’t always be around Ches. I can’t take care of you forever.”
“Why not? I thought we’d be together for the rest of our lives?” Ches asked sadly.
“Neither of us know that for sure. We could be together for the rest of our lives, or maybe we go our separate ways eventually. Either way, I want you to be able to take care of yourself for a change. It’s healthy.”
Ches seemed to ignore Glam, shrugging and pressing his face against Glam’s chest. “I need you though…”
“You’d be fine on your own, Ches. You were alone for a long time before me, and you survived.” Glam said.
“No… no I need you Glam. You can’t leave me… I need you.” Ches said shakily. Something must’ve struck a nerve there… Glam didn’t mean to make Ches upset, but he needed his friend to understand he wasn’t going to baby him and take care of him forever. It was too much work.
But, feeling Ches’ shaky voice against his chest, and his hands clinging to his shirt, Glam gave in. Just this once. “Okay Ches… I’m here. I’m not going to leave you. I promise.” he whispered, rubbing Ches’ back as he felt him calming down.
“You really promise?” Ches asks, looking up at Glam once again.
Glam smiled slightly and sighed, hugging Ches close and holding him till morning.
“I really promise.”
—————
Glam stared down at the letter in his hands. His fingers brushed over the soft paper, staring down at the name expertly hand written across the envelope. A name he hadn’t heard in years now.
He couldn’t believe his eyes when the band’s manager first announced to the band during practice, “Are any of your real names Sebastian?”. Bob and Lordi got a little chuckle out of the prissy sounding name and how their manager said it, but Glam looked mortified to hear that name again.
“You don’t go around announcing folks' real names dude. We use aliases for a reason. Dick.” Ches said as he snatched the letter out of their manager's hand, and escorted Glam out of the room.
After that, Glam left. He needed to be alone. So, he sat up in his hotel room after Ches called a pause on the band's practice for the night. He knew Glam would never willingly miss a practice, even for this.
Glam took a few more moments of silence, staring at the envelope. It would be so easy to just tear it up or burn it… but his curiosity got the better of him. Slowly, he ran his fingers over his old family’s family crest, which had been pressed into the wax sealing the letter, then all in one motion, ripped the envelope open.
What was in the envelope basically amounted to nothing… It was an invitation to Lydia’s wedding. The front looked completely standard, but on the back it seemed like the bride to be herself wrote;
“ This is the least you can do after what you’ve done to this family. ”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?!” Glam exclaimed as he threw the letter hard onto the ground.
Glam had been certain his family had disowned him by that point. He wanted to believe that he truly was no longer a part of that family. But now Lydia was writing this to him? Inviting him back into his old life of caviar and small talk and uncomfortable suits.
It was almost insulting! There was no way everyone in his family was so dumb as to ask him to return home. The band had been in the papers more than a few times and Glam knew for a fact that his father frequently read the paper. They had to know about his new life, right?
Maybe they didn’t… And maybe, well it couldn’t hurt to go back for one day. Right? For Lydia? He never did fully get over his guilt about leaving her behind that night… And it was for a wedding! Maybe he wouldn’t even have to see or speak to his family with what he only assumed would be a good few hundred guests there. The letter even afforded him a plus one. As much as he didn’t trust Ches at one of these functions, it would be nice to have him there.
It was decided then. He’d ask Ches tonight if he’d like to attend the wedding with him. At the very least with Ches there he would have fun.
The plan was to ask Ches that night… But after staying up long past Glam’s usual “bedtime” waiting for Ches to return, Glam found himself passed out, half laying down, half pressed against the wall next to him.
—————
When he opened his eyes again, Glam didn’t recognize himself. He was still the same grown man, but his hair was once again cut short and slicked back, his piercings and makeup were completely gone, and he was dressed up in a nice fitted suit.
He looked like his father…
A sudden knock on his door snapped him out of his daze, “Master Sebastian. Are you ready?”
Glam’s head shot around at the all too familiar sound of his old butler Roft’s voice. “Uh… yes?” he said as he moved to step out of the room.
Then he was sitting at the wedding.
Taking a quick glance around he found himself beside the aisle right in the front row, his mother Mary sitting next to him. She looked older now… more frail and tired. As he turned his head to face Lydia and the faceless man she was getting married to, he felt his mothers hand clutch his.
Lydia looked absolutely stunning. Of course she did. Even as kids Glam admired how put together she always was, maybe he even felt a twinge of jealousy when his mind was allowed to wander to more trivial things like that.
Before he could admire her any longer, he was at the reception.
He sat at the long table at the front of the room, with Lydia on one side of him, and his father on the other… and he was frozen in space.
He watched as people walked by to greet his family and congratulate Lydia, watching as his own hand betrayed him, shaking the hands of every person that walked by. He felt completely out of control of his body. Like his actions were no longer his. And he struggled to move, wanting to run away and hide and leave this place.
That was, till he felt his fathers hand on his wrist, an unembodied voice telling him to stop struggling. That this was where he belonged.
“No…” Glam muttered, trying to pull his hand away.
The grip only got tighter and tighter, till Glam could feel his bones cracking under the pressure, and the heat building up where scars re opened. Glam struggled and fought against his father as the rest of the world around them faded away.
“I’m not like you! I don’t belong here!” Glam shouted, his heart pounding as his father pulled his ruler from behind his back.
“I don’t understand why you must be so disobedient, Sebastian.” Gustav said, his voice ringing in Glam’s ears.
“My name is Glam! I-I want to go home… please…” Glam felt pathetic… small all over again.
“This is your home Sebastian.”
Glam watched as the ruler was brought up to hit him, and in one last ditch effort to he away, Glam kicked and punched and struggled with everything he had in him, till he finally hit his father back enough to set himself free.
And then he woke up…
—————
Glam opened his eyes like he did all those months ago to see Ches in front of him, watching him closely and reaching out to take his hands.
Glam hadn’t been shaky for a long time but he was shaking badly tonight. And in that moment he noticed he felt like he couldn’t breathe again.
Ches noticed this sudden panic as Glam frantically tapped at his chest and gasped in air. He moved onto the bed and held Glam’s shoulders, helping the man sit up properly.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I got you Glam. Big deep breaths. With me.” Ches said as he guided Glam through some deep breaths.
Ches took a deep breath in and Glam followed, then together they took a long breath out. As they did, Ches gently rubbed Glam’s shoulder, “I got you. You’re home and you’re safe, okay?” he whispered.
Glam nodded as he took another deep breath on his own, reaching his shaky hands to Ches’ wanting to hold them. He didn’t even care that Ches heard what he was saying in his sleep. It wouldn’t be the first time.
“Could I lay with you again tonight Glam? Would that help?” Ches asked, clutching Glam’s hands between his own. He was so cold…
“Yeah… that would be okay.” Glam nodded, “But… Could we stay here for now?”
“Oh, yeah of course.” Ches nodded, scooting over to sit next to Glam, who leaned against him and curled up almost into a ball.
Ches smiled slightly and ran his hand over Glam’s hair as he pulled the other man close. Soon enough, Ches felt Glam’s heartbeat slowing down as he fell back asleep.
Ches didn’t move his friend. He found Glam always slept better when it was with him, so he stayed. After what he heard as Glam was sleeping, he didn’t think he could bring himself to leave.
He really wished Glam talked about it more… What happened with his old family. Ches thought it would help him get over some of this trauma if he just let it out of his system. Then again, Ches was one to talk. Instead of just bottling up his feelings like Glam, he drank and drugged them out of his system pretty regularly. That’s what he was doing tonight till he came home and found Glam. He was surprised the blonde hadn’t noticed… though, his mind seemed to be on other things at the time.
Ches just wished Glam would let him show him how much he cared… If they could only be closer, have a better relationship… He just wanted his friend to be okay.
—————
A few weeks later Ches had gotten the news that his mother had passed away…
That same night Ches was kicked out of the band and Glam left alongside him. Glam knew it was unfair how Ches was kicked out. The rest of the band had no idea what his circumstances were. If they did they would’ve understood… at the very least Bob and Lordi would’ve.
Glam stayed up that night to keep an eye on Ches, watching as the other man tossed and turned and got tangled up in his childhood clothes.
Glam sighed softly as he watched him. He couldn’t believe Ches had kept those old things. He could believe even less that the man even fit into them. He was shocked that only the sleeves of the old jacket got torn.
Still, Glam let him sleep for a few hours till he heard the man groan almost in pain. “Glam..?” he heard his friend mutter in a still drunken slur.
“Yes Ches?” Glam raised an eyebrow up at his friend, partially closing the book he had taken to reading to pass the time.
“I’m uncomfy…” Ches complained, rolling over to look at Glam. “Help..?” he asked, reaching out towards the blonde.
Glam sighed and rolled his eyes, “I can get Lisa for you—“
“No!” Ches cut Glam off quickly, “Don’t want her to see me like this… just you…”
“Okay.” Glam nodded and placed his book down, getting up and sitting next to Ches. He was gentle with him as he helped the dazed man take his small jacket off first, then his shirt. In between each article of clothing, he folded each piece carefully.
Finally, he helped Ches pry off his jeans, and before Glam could say anything, Ches was pulling off his boxers.
“Ches! God…” Glam looked away, blindly reaching for Ches’ pillow and covering his junk with it. “Come on… That was unnecessary.”
“But now I’m free!” Ches said with a little giggle.
“Okay Ches. You need to go back to bed. Do you understand me?” Glam said, folding up Ches’ pants and setting them on the table.
Glam suddenly felt Ches wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling him close. “Sleep with me.” Ches hummed, then looked a little confused at himself, “Next to me.” he corrected himself and smiled hopefully.
“You know we can’t Ches…” that one time thing Glam tried to establish so long ago was really failing him now.
“No no it’s easy Glam.” Ches hummed, “You come here,” he patted the bed next to him, “And we fall asleep together.”
Glam was about to argue back to Ches but then Ches looked up at him with big eyes, “Please..?”
Glam sighed deeply and gave in. “Fine… But only because your—“ Glam stopped himself from mentioning Ches’ mother, “Only because we’ve had a rough day today. Maybe we both need it a little bit.” Glam gave in and got into bed next to Ches, making sure a blanket stayed between him and Ches’ naked body.
Ches smiled wide and cuddled up to Glam, wrapping his arms around him and resting his head on the blonde’s chest.
Ches was silent for a long time… Glam could’ve sworn he was fast asleep before he heard the other man whisper, “I’ll miss her you know…”
Glam glanced down at Ches and lifted a hand to his shoulder to comfort him
“I know I used to treat her like shit… But she was getting better. I just… I wanted to see her again. Show her I was… that I was doing better too.” Ches choked on his words as his vision was completely blurred by tears. “I mean… I wish I had time to get better for her…”
“I know Ches… I know…” Glam whispered, pulling him closer.
“She’d be disappointed in me now… becoming an addict like she did… Since she’s been getting better she always told me… told me horror stories of things that had happened to her, and how she never wanted me to feel that way or end up like that…” Ches rubbed at his eyes as he openly cried now. “And look at me now. I’m a fucking dissapointment… and she’s dead.”
“You’re not a disappointment, Ches.” Glam frowned, “Yes, you’re an addict. And it’s dangerous. And I’m scared for you every day. But it very well could’ve been something you had no control over. It could just be something that’s ingrained in you from your family. And your mother almost broke her addiction, and I think you’ll be able to too.” Glam said, “I think it’s good we’re taking a step away from the band and away from that party culture. It was bad for you.”
“We’re… we’re quitting the band..?” Ches asked shakily. That looked like his last straw as he began to fully break down in Glam’s arms.
Glam looked down at Ches nervously. He had never dealt with grief before, and he didn’t know what to do with Ches now. Glam didn’t think he had ever truly felt greif, not yet anyways. “You told me not to tell anyone about your mother… So they just thought you were high again and replaced you…” Glam explained.
“What about you..? Why are you here with me and not with them?” Ches asked, calming down slightly as his focus turned solely to worrying about Glam, “Performing with Twisted Sister is your dream!”
“I know. But you are my friend. You come before anything else. It was a silly dream anyways.” Glam said, petting Ches’ hair in an attempt to continue to help him calm down.
“It wasn’t silly. It was cool. I’m sorry I messed it up for you.” Ches whispered, closing his eyes and relaxing at the feeling of Glam’s fingers in his hair.
That was just like Ches wasn’t it. Letting his own problems go for a time to fuss over Glam and his little worries. Only Ches would stop drunkenly grieving his mother to console Glam about a dream he had not coming to fruition. Sometimes Glam worried that Ches cared about him too much.
“You didn’t mess anything up. I chose to stay here with you. I wanted to stay with you. You’re my family, I’d never leave you behind.” Glam said honestly and out loud for the first time, after months of thinking it to himself.
Ches looked up at Glam and sloppily placed a kiss on his chin, “I love you Glam. You’re so special to me… I never want to lose you…”
“That’s… that’s enough Ches… Get some sleep now. You’ll need it.” Glam said, gently touching where Ches had kissed. It was all getting too much for him. He should’ve drawn the line a long time ago. He would stay till Ches had fallen asleep, but then he needed to move.
This should’ve stayed a one time thing…
—————
When Ches woke up the next morning his head was spinning. He barely looked up, and made eye contact with Glam, sitting across the room from him on his own bed.
Glam glances up from what he was writing in his little journal to meet Ches’ eyes for just a moment before looking back down. “Aspirin. Take two in your case.” he says as he gestures to the pills and glass of water he had left on the bedside table for Ches.
“Thanks…” Ches said, his voice raspy. He reached out with a shaky hand to pop the pills into his mouth and take a sip of water to get them down.
As Ches slowly comes to as he wakes up, he glances outside and realizes the time, “Shit— shouldn’t we be out of here by now? Where are the guys?”
Glam sighed softly, good… he forgot about last night, “They left already.” Glam could see the question on Ches’ lips before it even left his mouth, “I stayed for you. It was my own choice. I know performing with Twisted Sister was my dream but you are more important to me.”
Ches stared at Glam for a few moments before nodding slightly, then he glanced down at himself, “And uh… my clothes?”
“Lisa helped you take them off.” Glam said quickly. “She only helped you with the clothes.”
“Good. Good.” Ches nodded, sitting up carefully and starting to get redressed. He knew Glam didn’t appreciate him walking around their shared room naked.
As Ches got dressed Glam glanced around the room, his eyes landing on his old violin case. Some days he forgot he still had the old thing. And he wondered if he could still play…
When Ches turned back around he noticed Glam holding his little violin. He smiled a bit, thinking about how much Glam had grown in every aspect since he had met him. “You still have that old thing? I thought you sold it already.”
Glam chuckled softly, “Ah, no.” he shook his head and brought the violin up to ready position to see how it felt. If he was being honest, he couldn’t bring himself to sell the old thing. It still held a lot of importance to him, even if it was the cause of so much of his pain. It was also the only thing that got him praise for a long time. It meant a lot to him.
“You think you can still play?” Ches asked, hopping down onto his bed and picking up his guitar.
“Of course I can.” Glam said with a smile.
“Let’s try something in C major?”