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Static.
That was all Sonny Carisi heard. Static, with a faint heartbeat in his ears.
This wasn't happening.
He stood frozen in place, staring at his phone and trying to make sense of what he just heard.
"It's Amanda. She's injured. You have to get here. Sonny…she…it's really bad…"
Amanda… Not Amanda…
As if a hot iron was pressed on his skin, Sonny bolted out of his office, leaving his colleagues stunned as he ran past them without uttering a word. There was no time to explain. He needed to get to her.
As he sat in his car, fumbling with his keys to turn the engine on, he felt his heart constrict and tears sting in his eyes.
This wasn't happening.
-*-*-
It's all part of the job. Members of New York's Finest, put themselves in front of danger every day. Sonny knew that, he was once a part of that. The number of times he, as well as Amanda, were in danger and even injured, he could list off if someone truly wanted to know…but who would want to anyway?
This was different though.
Amanda had never been shot near point blank. She never lost so much blood. She has never been in critical condition. She was never this close to…
No. No, he couldn't think like that.
Sonny was near sobbing by the time he got to the crime scene and saw his former superior officer, Olivia Benson. She too was close to crying, both of them with panic rising internally. Olivia had just heard about what happened from a fellow officer who saved Amanda's life and she couldn't fathom how this could happen. Amanda is one of her best detectives and losing her would be devastating, not just to the team, but to her.
Sonny's panic was different. He loved Amanda with every fiber of his being. Losing her would be like losing himself.
He could barely focus on the conversation he had with the SVU Captain. She told him everything she knew and that Amanda was on her way to the hospital. Sonny felt himself break as he nearly sobbed into Olivia's shoulder, but yet he was quick to pull away and rush back to his car to follow the ambulance to the hospital.
As he drove, gruesome images flashed in his mind that made his heart further twist in agony. Amanda falling to the ground. Amanda lying in the street bleeding. Amanda in pain. Amanda struggling to breathe…
By the time he reached the hospital, his knuckles were bone white. He hadn't realized he was gripping the steering wheel so hard. As he let go, the pain in his hands was nothing compared to the agony that rushed through him.
"She's alive…Liv said Amanda was alive when she was loaded into the ambulance. She's strong…she's strong," Sonny said out loud, trying to reassure himself. Yet there was a quiver in his voice, and the fear continued to course through his veins. It felt as if his world was in danger of crumbling.
He ran inside the hospital, asking the first nurse he could find where Amanda was. He was led to where he could sit and wait, but there were no updates other than Amanda was rushed to emergency surgery.
Sonny sat in one of the hard plastic chairs, a new wave of anxiety rushing over him. What was going on? Is the surgery going well? Is Amanda going to make it?
He was so stuck in his head, he didn't realize someone had joined him in the waiting room.
"Carisi?"
Sonny jolted out of his hazed thoughts and saw Fin Tutuola standing in front of him.
"Fin…hi," Sonny acknowledged, trying to compose himself, but knowing that he probably looked a mess and there was no use hiding it.
"Liv told me what happened. I came here as soon as I could. Have you heard anything?"
"No…no. Other than she is in surgery"
Fin nodded, staring at the door that separates them from where Amanda was. His former partner. He turned his attention back to the ADA.
"You look rough man. How are you holding up?"
Sonny could have laughed, but he could barely even talk. He hadn't thought much of himself, his thoughts were devoted entirely to Amanda. His hands were trembling, how long had that been happening? His eyes ached, red and heavy with tears.
"I'm fine," He answered hollowly, wringing his hands and trying to pick himself back up, but Fin saw right through the attempt of normalcy. He saw a man terrified to lose the love of his life. He sympathized with his former colleague and understood. Amanda means a great deal to him as well. He had a cool exterior, but inside he was worried sick.
"I can't tell you what will happen, but what I can say is that Amanda is one of the strongest people I know. She's gonna fight this and come back stronger than before," Fin proclaimed, trying to comfort the distraught attorney.
"…But what if she doesn't?" Sonny responded, his voice catching at the end. Fin sat down next to him and placed a hand on his back.
"Don't think like that," Fin started, but he watched as Sonny was trying desperately to swipe the fresh tears that threatened to fall, trying to stay strong. Fin sighed and said softly,
"Just let it out, man. It's just us here. It's okay,"
Sonny shoved a fist to his mouth to keep in the sob, but it came out anyway. He hunched over in his chair and sobbed brokenly, finally releasing the pent up emotion that was building since he got the phone call that changed everything.
Fin stayed silent as he rubbed the ADA's back and let him cry. He remembered what Liv had told him when she let him know what happened to Amanda.
"Keep an eye on Carisi. He's going to need all the support right now,"
Fin was glad he could be there for his former colleague. He understood why Carisi would want to keep composed, but with the fear and emotion that radiated off of him when Fin arrived at the hospital, he needed to let it out.
Sonny cried until his eyes burned dry and his sobs became sniffles. He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes and sucked in a shaky breath.
"I'm sorry," he whimpered, embarrassed at the sound of his voice just then.
"Don't be. If there is anything I can do to help, just say the word. I gotchu," Fin answered, squeezing Sonny's shoulder.
Suddenly it hit Sonny like a bag of bricks and it brought a whole new layer of fear.
"Jessie and Billie…oh my God…"
"Where are they?" Fin asked, immediately knowing what he meant.
"With the Babysitter…she'll need to stay later. I got to call-"
"Relax man. I can call her if you want," Fin offered which Sonny nodded. He needed to call Amanda's parents as well. His own. It was overwhelming, but Sonny was appreciative that Fin was willing to help.
"Liv told me she will come by as soon as she can. Same with Velasco. We're all here for you," Fin said sincerely, before leaving to call the babysitter watching over Amanda's daughters.
Alone again, Sonny left messages to the people who needed to know what was going on. He clasped his hands together and whispered a silent prayer.
"Per favore," He whispered at the end. "Per favore, stai bene,"
-*-*-
The hours felt like days. Fin eventually came back, coffee in hand. Sonny was grateful for the caffeine. They sat silently, occasionally making small talk. Soon Olivia joined them. Sonny stood from his seat and the two hugged again. He felt calmer in her embrace as if she was passing some of her strength to him. Joe Velasco, still relatively new to SVU, also came by and joined them. Sonny didn't know him too well but was still grateful for the support.
They waited together. Occasionally pacing the waiting room, or sitting in those plastic chairs. Olivia went to the nurse for an update and the nurse said she would go and check what was going on. Sonny felt his patience waning. This was going on too long. Were there complications? Was Amanda alive? Or did something happen and -
"Breathe Carisi…" Olivia's soft voice broke through the haze of scattered thoughts in Sonny's head. She squeezed his hand and Sonny released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.
"Thanks, Liv…" He whispered, taking a sip of now cold coffee.
Suddenly, the doors to the waiting room swung open and a doctor appeared.
"Those here for Detective Amanda Rollins?"
Everyone stood up and made their way to the doctor. Sonny looked into the doctor's eyes, trying to get a hint of what he would tell them, but he couldn't tell. He held his breath once more.
"She made it through surgery."
There were sighs and smiles of relief. They were right. Amanda fought and she was going to be okay.
Sonny almost collapsed, but thankfully he caught himself between Liv and Fin. They patted him on the back and whispered words of encouragement, but they sounded far away.
Amanda was alive.
"She's not out of the woods yet, but she's stable. She can have visitors now, but only one at a time," the doctor continued.
Sonny stepped forward on shaky legs and followed the doctor out of the waiting room and down a long hallway before stopping at a doorway. He walked through and saw her.
She was pale and hooked up to a myriad of machines, but her heart was beating. She was alive.
Fresh tears welled in Sonny's eyes as he sat in a chair beside her bed and Amanda opened her eyes. At first, she was dazed and confused, but when her eyes locked on her partner, she relaxed and held out her hand. Sonny immediately took it in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. The adrenaline that was keeping him on overdrive slowly disappeared and he was now exhausted, but finally relieved.
"Sonny…" Amanda started to say, her voice barely above a whisper. "You…Your…"
"Shhh, I'm okay, now that I know you're okay," He answered gently.
Amanda smiled but winced as she shifted in bed. She knew this was one bad injury, worse than the last time she was shot.
"Just rest baby. I won't go anywhere," Sonny said as he brushed the top of Amanda's hand with his thumb.
"Jessie…Billie…"
"They're okay. They are apparently drawing get-well cards and sending lots of hugs and kisses," He answered, parroting what Fin had told him after the Sergeant got off the phone with the babysitter.
Amanda smiled once more, letting out a slow breath as she allowed herself to get some sleep. Her babies were okay. Her partner was okay. She was going to be okay too.
As Sonny watched the love of his life sleep, he let the quiet, but relieved tears fall. His world was coming back together. He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss on Amanda's forehead.
"Il mio cuore. Ti amo ora e per sempre."