Chapter Text
Of course, when Hawke entered Anders’ clinic, the mage was doing his job. There was a small boy on the operating cot; eyes closed, barely breathing, bleeding badly on his leg. Anders stood over him and the room was swirling with pale blue light and energy. He lifted his arms, surging the magic to where it needed to be, and in an instant, the boy gasped and sat up in the cot, his wound closed and healed.
As Anders was thanked by the young boy and his family, Hawke made his way over, smiling. The family eventually cleared and left, and Anders was finally alone with him. “Hawke,” he said with a smile. “I wasn’t expecting you to come, after…” He trailed off, and then restated himself. “I’m glad you came. I wanted to talk to you.”
The smile on his face made Hawke beyond happy. “That was so great. The magic… it’s beautiful. I like to watch you work.”
“Then you should come over more often,” Anders retorted, only smiling wider. “I know you’re busy, but I like spending time with you.” He checked across the room to make sure there were no more patients, and then turned back to Hawke. The smile started to fade. “I wanted to apologize for how I’ve been speaking with you. The way you were talking to Fenris about me made me think about how I’ve been acting.”
Hawke furrowed his brow. “I can’t recall anything you would want to apologize for.” Truly, not even Justice could say something and make Hawke angry. He liked Anders too much for that.
Anders looked sorry on his face, Hawke could see. “That night you walked me home, when I was telling you about Justice...” He took a breath. “I feel like I was being selfish. Just pouring out all of my problems to you as if you had any inclination to hear them. And you had questions of your own. I wasn’t coming off as very approachable, I’m sure.” He seemed to be ashamed of this, almost. There was more he was hiding.
There was no need for Anders to apologize, truly, so Hawke made a joke of it. “I’m used to it, actually. People always seem quite comfortable with sharing their darkest secrets with me. I must look trustworthy.”
“You look…” Anders pondered, raising an eyebrow. “Something.” He narrowed his eyes, considering Hawke carefully. The smile was returning. “You’re… true. Proud. Like you will be honest with me even if you don’t agree with me. I like that.” He shook his head gently. “It’s just that I didn’t mean to be selfish that night. If there’s anything you want to know, you can ask me at any time, and I’ll be straightforward with you.”
Hawke shook his head. “You weren’t being selfish. All things considered, you were being quite fair about it. The circumstances were unique. I think you handled it as well as possible.”
Anders raised a hand to the off-white feathers on the shoulders of his robes. He smoothed them down, making sure they were all in place. “The whole thing is bloody selfish,” he said through a sigh. “When I saw you standing there in my clinic, with white eyes like I have when I’m Justice… that was so incredible to see. But when I was telling you, I wasn’t sure what would happen. I just figured that maybe, if I had a friend to hear it…” He took a deep breath and left his feathers alone.
It was easy for Hawke to think up a way to help Anders feel better. “I do have one question, now that you ask,” he said thoughtfully. “Why did the Grey Wardens make you get rid of your cat?”
This caused Anders to smile and his eyes to light up in that endearing way. “They thought that having a cat made me weak.” He laughed to himself. “But let me tell you, Ser Pounce-a-lot was not weak.” He looked at Hawke for a long moment, just regarding him. “I used to know someone like you. We would always run around together, getting into trouble. I never thought I’d find myself in that position again.” He shrugged, chuckling. “I suppose that I figured anything would be better than living out the rest of my life as a possessed, roguish mage, with Justice playing the demon and haunting some corpse.”
Hawke raised an eyebrow. “Aw, come on. Neither of you have it too bad. Justice doesn’t have to complain about his looks, at least.”
Anders smiled. His eyes were shining, Hawke could have sworn. He looked away again, that happiness gone quickly. “Do you flirt with everyone you find attractive?”
It was a question that Hawke did not understand why it would be asked. “I know a pretty face when I see one,” he explained. “But I only take my chances with exceptional people. Exceptional minds, exceptional motivations, exceptional hearts.” He looked at Anders calmly, then narrowed his eyes. “Are you jealous, perhaps?” he asked through a smirk.
“Perhaps,” a smiling Anders admitted. Then he started to remember, and think hard about what he said. His smile went away. “Last night… I was a jerk about Fenris.” His eyes cast downwards. “I was being selfish and extremely rude. Don’t tell me I wasn’t, because I was.” He exhaled gently through his nose. “I’m ashamed. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were angry with me.”
Hawke let out a small laugh. “You admitting that you were jealous made me forget if I was even mad in the first place. Either way, if I was upset at you, you would know.” The answer did not satisfy the mage, it was clear. “If you want to hear that I forgive you, then okay. I forgive you.” He paused for a moment. “I think the way you were acting last night is in part due to the way I was acting,” he admitted. “I confess that I was taking amusement in teasing you.” Hawke grimaced. “I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just wanted to see what you’d do.”
Anders laughed silently, so only his body shook. “You’re lucky Justice didn’t show himself. He has a bit of a crush on you, I think.” He seemed grateful that Hawke didn’t dwell upon what was rather obviously a slip of the tongue. Anders changed the subject. “What did you end up doing with Fenris while you were there?”
“I didn’t sleep with him, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Hawke looked away to allow Anders a moment to be pleased. “My simple goal was to make a friend, and that is what it appears I did. Sharing more than that would be betraying Fenris’ confidence, so I will stop there.” After folding his arms, Hawke kept his eyes on Anders as he talked. “I’m afraid what happened is bad news to your ears. Fenris is staying here in Kirkwall in his ex-master’s abandoned mansion. I also convinced him to join the team, so you and him are going to get a lot of time together.”
Despite his suspicion, Anders maintained his smile, possibly for the longest time Hawke had ever seen. “How horrible. Can you at least give me a little good news to make up for all of that shit?”
After considering, Hawke raised an eyebrow. “Now that you mention it…” He raised a finger to make his next point. “You may be happy to discover that your jealousy is unfounded. Fenris…” Hawke trailed off in his thoughts and his voice. He was careful with what he said. “He is at a level of character that is well above mine. I don’t deserve him.” Hawke lowered his eyes, but brought them back up again. “A damn shame, too. He is absolutely beautiful.” Anders averted eye contact, and Hawke raised an eyebrow. “But so are you. Maybe I should have made that clear.” A pink rush of heat passed Anders’ cheeks and he succumbed to a smile. Hawke spoke carefully. “Fenris is exceptional. You are exceptional. But in such different ways. I am stupidly smitten by the both of you. With you, though, I’m a hopeless case. Be rude to me all you want. I’ll still be in love with you, and Justice, too.”
Anders was quiet, hesitant for a long moment. He clearly had something to say, but he just said it carefully. “You don’t seem like the kind of man who throws the word ‘love’ around loosely.” His voice was soft. He was having difficulty making eye contact.
“You are absolutely right,” Hawke agreed. “In fact, I don’t use the word at all. Not until now, at least.” He sighed as if thinking deeply. “I hope I am using it correctly. It’s the only thing that comes to mind when I think about you. I’ve never been in love before, so I guess I wouldn’t know, but it must be like this.” He smiled calmly. “I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’ll keep you updated.”
There was a smile on Anders’ face. He was smiling with his eyes, too. He had a smile so big that it made his eyes squint in an adorable way. But it happened again; the smile fell and turned into a prominent sadness that made the glow on his face disappear.
“You have got to stop doing that.” Hawke shook his head. “You smile so prettily one second, and then the next your entire face falls into a tragic frown. It’s absolutely heartbreaking. I very much prefer it when you’re smiling.”
The straying locks of Anders’ blonde hair fell into his eyes, and he paid no mind to them. His face was somber and sad. “I like you a lot, Hawke. I like being with you. I like looking at you. I like the things you do and the words you say and the way you look at me.” Despite his words, Anders wasn’t looking at Hawke even then, he was staring down and across the room at nothing at all. “But if anyone finds out that you and I are friends… a warrior and a mage…” He closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again. “They would hurt you. Because of me.”
The somberness settled into Hawke’s gut and felt heavy there. “No one can hurt us, Anders. Messing with you or me is a death wish.” He allowed himself to half-smile. “Anyone with the audacity to threaten us won’t be able to have a good night’s sleep for the rest of their sorry lives, what with the constant night terrors about glowing white eyes. And besides, putting risk and danger between us just makes our potential romance that much more fun, wouldn’t you say?” Hawke’s smile fell slightly. “Why are you so worried about this now?”
Anders looked back at Hawke, his eyes brimming with sadness. “The Templars were practically on my doorstep last night,” he said quietly. “They were searching the refugee camps across the way.” The fear in his voice was plain. “They’re cracking down. It’s only a matter of time.”
Baring teeth, Hawke lowered his brow angrily. He did not like to see Anders so scared. “You think I’m afraid of some bloody Templars? I’m surprised that you are. I’d like to see them try and lay a finger on you. Do you think you could heal someone after I cut their fucking head off?”
Sighing gently, Anders shook his head. “It isn’t that easy, and you know it.” He looked Hawke dead in the eyes. “Knight-Commander Meredith made an announcement yesterday – my patients were talking about it this morning. Being caught with an apostate mage is now considered a hanging offense.” His brow knit, and the corners of his mouth turned downwards. “The thought of losing you… to them.” He turned his eyes down. “It’s too much to even think about.”
Hawke had an easy answer for that. “That’s called a risk. Something I am more than willing to take for someone I care about.” He kept his voice calm and made no jokes at all, not on this serious topic. “As long as we stick together, I have nothing at all to fear and neither do you.” He was desperately trying to make his words do the trick, but that had always been hard for Hawke. “Anders, as foolish as it sounds, I am in love with you. And I promise you with all truths within me I will give all of my physical might every hour of every day to ensure that no one is ever going to take you away from me.” Hawke reached his fingers out, hesitated, and then felt for Anders’ hand, brushing the back of his hand with the tips of his fingers. “I promise you.”
Feeling the touch of Hawke’s fingers brushing against his own, Anders let his eyes close. He then shifted his hand so it was closer to Hawke’s, and then slid his fingers in between each of Hawke’s, slipping them so they fit perfectly there, sliding into place like soft silk. They held hands for a long time, then. An unexplainable energy flowed through them. Neither of them wanted to let go.