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Cold.
This was all Kakashi could think in that moment. His hands and feet were so cold. That wasn’t a normal winter day in Konoha.
That day was extra special, it was her 40th birthday, just a year in half older than him. He found himself on his regular flower shop to bring some to her grave. He was for the first time grateful for the warmth of the shop even if he always preferred winter over summer.
“Forty is a special number… I need special flowers too” said Kakashi quietly.
“May I help you, Kakashi-sensei? Are you looking for some other flower than the usual?”
“Thank you, Ino. Yes, actually I wanted something extra special, it’s her 40th birthday today and I wanted to bring her something more meaningful.”
“I think I know what you need. The new flowers came in just a few hours ago. I didn’t have time to put them yet as the shop was so busy today. I’ll make the bouquet in a minute.”
“Thank you!”
Kakashi was looking around the shop when his eyes met with a pair of green ones. A color he got to love so much a few years ago and tried so hard to forget.
“Hi! Kakashi…”
“Yo! Sakura-chan! Fancy meeting you here…”
“How have you been? The last time we spoke…”
The last time…
“You know… destroying the training grounds won’t make it better for you or others. Remember, how you had the opportunity to train here so others got too. Don’t be too selfish!”
“Ha! Speak for yourself, Kakashi! The selfish one between us two is definitely you. Maybe you should look more in the mirror.”
Sakura felt a bitter taste in her mouth and it wasn’t the blood from the intensively spar with her former teacher but from his hypocrisy.
“ Maa, maa… what is this all about?” Kakashi had a vague idea of what she could have meant by that but how could she know so much about him.
“Maybe, one day you’ll get over your dead girlfriend and interact with people more. Meet with more, outside your missions and they don’t have to be only Guy-sensei.” Huh?
“My dead… girlfriend” How did she?
“Don’t give me that look, I know about Rin.”
“Okay, how about we take a break or continue tomorrow?”
“Nice try, Kakashi. Running away again? This is what I meant by selfish. Running away from facing your problems. Have you considered therapy for that PTSD of yours? I got a good program for you; I can help you with that.”
“You are not the first one to mention that to me, some things cannot be repaired Sakura. Just let me be how I am.”
“Whatever…” Sakura disappeared in an instant.
Soft steps could be heard on the empty and hard hallway on the Konoha Mental Hospital. Sakura took her white coat off and went in her master’s office. Tsunade was filling some papers with endless explanations of the new disease they discovered in the Land of Frost.
“Hey, Tsunade-sama… you know he will never cooperate. If I cannot help him… I’m not sure who would be able to.” Sakura was concerned about Kakashi’s mental state.
“Don’t worry, Sak’. He will come in your office one of these days. He knows the extent of his problem but he is too afraid to face the reality.” She thought that Tsunade was too calm about that topic. She wondered if she talked with him or she doesn’t care about him.
Before opening her office door, she felt a presence on the other side. In such peaceful times she didn’t have to wear weapons with her, so all she had was her two fists tightly clench, one around the doorknob and one ready to punch whoever is in her office unauthorized.
When she opened the door, Kakashi was sitting on her couch, head back and his eyes closed. Sakura knocked on her door waking him up. Sleepy eyes turned to hers.
“Why you here? It’s 3am.”
“I came for that therapy you suggested” Kakashi gave his signature eyes smile and turned his head towards her desk. “I see you busy, should I come another time?”
“No, no. it’s fine. Nothing that cannot be done later.”
Truthfully, she had a lot to do but this is a rare occasion for Kakashi to come by himself. She cannot waste such opportunity.
“Firstly, I have to give you a few psychological tests. A few examinations and then we can go on with the actual therapy. I have to make sure your brain is in perfect condition before repairing what is damaged by the past trauma. Tell me, when do you think all these started. It doesn’t have to be when you preceded as depression”
“For how much do I need to do this?”
“Well, the tests and physical examinations will be done at the end of this week if you cooperate.”
“And the therapy?” Kakashi knew why he asked, because he hated coming to the hospital for so many times.
“Kakashi, I know this is a lot to take in but please trust me… I know you don’t like in here. Bear with me until these tests are over. Then I can arrange the therapy to be done at your home or mine. How about that?”
Kakashi was already looking around the office and his attention was on a jar with lolly pops . he picked one that wrote ‘good boy’.
“Is this how you motivate your patients?”
“You can take one if you want but you actually have to demonstrate of how a good boy you are”
“Tch… I’m a man not a boy.”
“Well, I’m aware of that. Take it or leave it. You choose.”
He took one and shove it in his back pocket. Sakura gave him a small smile and continued to search for something Kakashi wasn’t sure.
“Now sit down and let’s start with this diagram, you have to find the missing numbers” said Sakura while handing him a piece of paper with many numbers messily put on a paper.
After that they never continued with their therapy, Sakura was mostly at home and never at the hospital.
“We thought of calling her Sarada if it was a girl…”
Miscarriage. The worst thing a soon-to-be mother could happen.
Kakashi tried his best to be there for her as Sasuke was away in who knows what dimension. He stayed with her day and night, making sure she gets the treatment she needed, holding her hand, stroking her hair as she falls asleep and helping her around the house.
“I’m really sorry… “ said Kakashi while kissing her hair.
“It’s not your fault. Maybe….” Sakura tried to surpass her tears from falling down her cheeks. “It won’t ever worked anyway. Maybe it’s better this way. Sasuke told me he never intends to settle in Konoha for good. I would have raised this child alone anyway.”
He didn’t want to admit but she was right about Sasuke. He never stayed in one place for too long.
“He… doesn’t know anything about this. I never had the chance to tell him I was pregnant. I didn’t want to stop him when he left again in his journey.” Sakura wasn’t entirely sure if their child would have stopped him anyway.
“You should forget about him… he is not good for you…”
“If I do… then… would you forget about Rin?”
She was right. He understood her too well and she understood him. Some people cannot be forgotten, some people you cannot let go even if death took them away.
“Who knows…” and with that he disappeared.
He wanted to say so many things to her but none of those words came out, as if she could have heard you, Kakashi. She was dead for so many years, she is there with Obito where she should have been all along. Kakashi let out a tired sigh.
“I loved you; I could never have said that while you were alive. Obito loved you too, way before me. It wasn’t right to take you away from him. He was a better man than me, he loved you more than me. I knew I don’t deserve you fully. It was enough that I had his eye, I couldn’t have his girl too.”
His words died half way. He knew he has to let it go somehow.
“Sakura told me to let you go, to move on. I know I hurt her enough and she doesn’t deserve a broken man like me. She cannot fall in love with another broken man. “
“You know what I hate most at you?” Kakashi turned to the source of the voice behind him. “You always decide what is best and better for me, cannot see that I’m mature enough to decide for myself?”
“Sakura… you deserve a better man than me or Sasuke” Kakashi didn’t know why he mentioned him.
“We all deserve a second chance, even you. We all deserve to be loved again by other people. We have to let go of the past.”
“Other people…”
“It has been seven months since my child died… and I buried my love for Sasuke with her” Sakura took his hand and squeezed it hard. “Let’s go Kakashi…”
“I cannot do it… I’m sorry Sakura. I’m not ready.”
“It’s sad watching you destroy yourself… I know you’ve been like that for so many years. Promise me that one day you’ll take my hand and start a new path with me. Let me love you, Kakashi. Find me when you are ready, I’ll be waiting.” Sakura let go of his hand and left Kakashi in the rain looking down at his feet.
Kakashi had his face wet from the rain and his own tears, his eyes red and full of pain. He was in pain and couldn’t let go of the feeling. He started to like this pain a while ago. The only thing he could still feel.
Looking intensely at Rin’s grave and finally said.
“One day… Someday…”
Warmth.
“Kakashi, you okay? I thought for a mere second you fall asleep with your eyes open.”
How couldn’t he? He was lost in the memories of her. How long has it been since he last saw her? Almost three years. Work was all they knew in those three years.
“I’m good. I came to bring some flowers for the birthday girl.”
“Ah… I see. Then I shouldn’t keep you busy for to long. I should go too.”
As Sakura was exiting the flower shop, The snow broke for the first time in the past five years. Big snowflakes dropped from the grey sky.
“Wait, Sakura. Would you like to have dinner later?” Kakashi looked a bit nervous.
“Dinner as in … perhaps a date?”
“Yeah… a date”
Sakura looked deep in his eyes, the same way she looked at his eyes, three years ago at the grave.
“Sure. I’m free after 8pm” said Sakura with a smile and leaving him alone in the shop.
It took him a while to push away his ghosts that called them friends. Most of the time he was left alone. One by one, people in his life died and he was left with the memory of their existence. He created in his mind his version of them, a way to cope with loneliness and regret.
Now he doesn’t need them anymore, he doesn’t need ghosts that will keep him company in the toughest times, now he has her. She was always there for him; he knows that he is a bit late…. But as long as she has her arms still open for him…
“Alright! I got your bouquet; the total will be as usual.”
“Ino, can you make another one? This time for someone that is actually alive…”