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Adora stood outside Catra's apartment building, pulling absentmindedly on the left sleeve of her oversized black hoodie. Perhaps “absentmindedly” isn't an appropriate term here though, given how her mind was notably not absent. Rather, it was filled to the brim with anxieties that she had tried to deal with some hours ago, but of course, had clearly failed to properly address. Chewing on her lip, she pulled out her phone and texted a simple “i'm outside” message to let her girlfriend know she was outside and ready to be brought into the building for their night together. Adora winced, knowing already that because of her stupid brain she'd be nothing but trouble for her Catra tonight. She tried to take some deep breaths to calm herself down, but if they were going to work at all, she clearly needed more time than she had.
The sliding doors at the front of the apartment building glided open and Catra greeted her with a lazy wave. “Hey, princess,” she smirked. “C'mon in, it's cold out there.”
“Thanks.” Adora tried her best to stop fidgeting with her hoodie and act normally, but that clearly wasn't going to happen so she decided to simply minimize the act and blindly hope that Catra wouldn't catch on to how obviously bad she was feeling.
Catra of course, could tell almost instantly that something was up with Adora. Of course, anyone's mood can fluctuate, but something was especially disconcerting tonight. Adora, usually well-postured and confident looking, seemed to be actively trying to hide herself. Her hoodie sleeves stretched and bunched up at the ends so that not only were her hands hidden by the sleeves, but also deliberately concealing any skin. The hoodie, clearly a size or two too big for Adora, did not increase the size of her silhouette, but rather served to make her look tiny, dwarfed by the fabric. Catra had of course, seen Adora like this before. That didn't make seeing her like this again any less alarming though.
Catra reached out a hand to Adora, but Adora didn't even move to accept the offer. “Let's get back to my room, ok princess?”
“Yeah. It's why I came over so we probably should do that. Yeah.” Adora mumbled, twisting her left hoodie sleeve, providing herself some stimulation to help her stay in the moment and focused on her surroundings and her girlfriend. She felt guilty, for all sorts of things, but specifically in this moment for refusing the simple intimacy of holding hands with Catra.
Catra pushed the button to call the elevator down. Then she pushed it a few more times. “Y'know, it actually comes down faster if you push the button more times.” She looked Adora's way, hoping to get a laugh or something, but there wasn't much of a response. So they waited for the elevator in silence.
The doors finally opened and the two of them stepped in. Catra held out a hand for Adora to hold, but once again, she didn't move to take it. In fact, Adora seemed almost afraid of doing so. She stayed at the opposite side of the elevator and hugged herself tightly. “S-sorry, I know it's fucked up but I just. I can't right now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just...” she mumbled and trailed off.
“Hey, it's ok. You don't need to do anything right now, ok? It's all fine.” Catra gave Adora a gentle smile. “Just trying to help out.”
“I know, I know, I know...” Adora's hand went to her head, rubbing her forehead and covering her eyes. “I don't want to fuck this up, this was supposed to be fun, I'm ruining it already, I'm sorry.”
“You're not ruining anything.” Catra said authoritatively. She knew that when Adora got like this that she needed to be firm about a few things. “I'm just glad you're here, and nothing you do can make that bad or wrong. Nothing.”
Adora just stayed silent. She knew on a technical level that Catra was probably right, but couldn't find the energy to vocalize agreement or disagreement. She held out a pinkie, which Catra looped her own pinkie around. It wasn't much, but it was more physical contact than Adora had been comfortable with a few minutes ago, so as far as Catra was concerned, this was a success.
The elevator reached Catra's floor and the two of them made their way down the hall to Catra's apartment. Once they were inside, Adora took off her shoes, but kept all her other layers on.
“Want some tea?” Catra offered.
“You don't have to if you don't want to but if you want you can make some yes I probably would like some.” Adora said.
“Of course I want to, that's why I offered.” Another smile from Catra, though Adora wasn't making eye contact enough to notice. Adora's gaze wandered throughout the apartment. It should be a comforting place, but even still Adora felt like there was some threat that could pop out of nowhere, that she had to stay on high alert, that something just wasn't right here. Catra stepped into the kitchen, but Adora felt stuck in the area just by the door.
“Wanna pick one out?” Catra said from the kitchen.
“Um. Mint, if you have it. I don't need any caffeine in me right now y'know?” Adora fiddled with her sleeves, struggling to find one point of focus.
“Yeah you do seem a bit jumpy.” Catra said, reaching into the cupboard.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to I'm sorry I don't want to be a bother.” Adora's hands flew to her head, covering her eyes and grasping at her hair.
Catra looked Adora's way. “Hey, don't worry about it. My bad, I didn't mean it that way. You're not doing anything wrong, you're not bothering me.”
“Sorry, I just-” Adora started.
“I know. You didn't want to bother me. And I'm telling you that you didn't.” Catra took out some mugs and turned on the electric kettle. “So there's nothing you need to be sorry for here.”
Adora finally followed Catra into the kitchen. She didn't quite feel ready to hold hands or hug yet, but being in the same room was manageable. Her eyes wandered, taking in the familiar sights. The grocery list on the fridge, the small pile of dishes that still needed washing, the block of kitchen knives, the scissors that were by the cup of pens, the block of kitchen knives, the sharp surfaces, the kitchen knives, the scissors, the sharp sharp sharp-
And Adora's hands were over her eyes again. She could feel her heartbeat increase, the sound of her own breathing was oppressive, she pulled at her hair to have something other than the sharp and the cutting and the pain to focus on but she was pulling her hair and it hurt and it was good because at least it was something and-
“Adora?” Catra's voice was like a lighthouse.
“I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm just I just can't, I-” Adora uncovered her eyes and tried to look at her girlfriend but she couldn't focus and everything was too much for her and
“Is it something in the kitchen?” Catra followed Adora's line of sight to the knife block and intuited the issue. “I can finish up the tea, do you want to sit down maybe?”
Adora just nodded. Catra offered a hand and Adora took it with both of hers, still obscured by her too-long hoodie sleeves.
“Sorry about that, I should've guessed something was up sooner.” Catra apologized.
“It's ok it's not your fault I just shouldn't be like this.” Adora followed Catra's lead and let herself be taken to the living room and sat gingerly on the couch.
“Just take some deep breaths ok? I'm here for you.” Catra paused for a moment. “Do you want a hug?”
Adora stayed silent for a few moments.
“You know, you can say no if you don't want to.” Catra continued.
“I know, it's just hard to think right now.” Adora muttered.
“Did you see a knife or something like that?” Catra hoped madly that she wasn't prying too hard.
“Yep that's it right on the money, three guesses for why that of all things would bother me, you'll never guess.” Adora's voice was quiet, but thick with derision. Clearly self-directed derision.
“Well... that does make sense.” Catra replied. The kettle clicked off, the water was done boiling. “Want anything in your tea today princess?”
“Not today, I don't need anything special in it.”
“Ok, I'll be back in a minute then.” And Catra was off to get their warm, hopefully soothing beverages. Adora adjusted her sleeves such that both hands were revealed and she could take the mug with both hands. The last thing she needed was to fuck things up by making a mess or breaking something.
“Thank you.” Adora said, voice quiet.
“Of course, princess.” Catra looked toward Adora. “Wanna talk about it?”
Adora was silent for a moment, taking a contemplative sip of her tea. The mint flavour wasn't very pronounced, but she didn't need anything too extreme on her palette right now. It was warm and soothing and gently comforting like the warm liquid was hugging her from inside. “Just. Rough day. Dysphoria is a bitch.”
Catra nodded. “I'm sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah, well, it's not your fault. If I really wanted to stop being bothered by dysphoria I could just like, y'know, be better at actually being a girl y'know? I could actually put effort into my appearance, or walk differently, or actually train my fucking voice...” Adora's grip tightened on her mug. Another sip. “Just sucks knowing-” she stopped talking, cleared her throat, and continued, her tone slightly different. “Sucks knowing that all these parts of me are just gonna keep being the way they are and there's like, not much I can do about it. All the hrt in the universe isn't gonna make me stop sounding like a man, my fucking bone structure is off, I barely know how to dress myself. It just sucks. I dunno how else to phrase it.” She put down her mug and instinctively grabbed at the inside of her left forearm. She winced, it hurt, but that didn't stop her.
“Adora, I... I'm sorry to hear that.” Catra responded. “I don't know if this helps at all, but I don't think those things are necessarily true. I really really like your voice, for example. It's very gentle and beautiful and, I know this is probably corny, but like. Regal? I call you princess for a whole bunch of reasons, but this is one of them. You have a pretty princess voice!”
Adora let out a little snicker. Catra couldn't quite tell if Adora was laughing at the cuteness of the terminology or if it was more likely that Adora was laughing at the idea that she could be seen in a feminine or princess-ish way. If Adora was frank with herself, she wasn't sure why she laughed either.
“Is that true Catra? Do... do you really see me as a girl?” Adora looked at her partner with a pleading expression.
“Uh, of course I do. You're my girlfriend after all, “girl” is in the title.” Catra smirked, hopeful that this lighter approach would help Adora out.
“C-can you please say that again please?” Adora asked.
“Of course, not only do I see you as a girl, I see you as a very good girl and a very good girlfriend.” Catra paused for a moment. “Are you ok with some touching, babe?”
Adora nodded, and leaned toward Catra, angling her head slightly downward. Catra knew this gesture like the back of her hand. “Want some headpats, baby?” Adora nodded without saying a word. Catra took her opportunity and gently petted the top of Adora's head. A low, quiet, soft sound came out of Adora, a slight hum of pleasure, gentle in sound as the gentleness of Catra's touch. Catra put down her mug so she could get in there with both hands. It was time for some tactical headpats.
She started with some soft, slow movements with both hands, applying very little pressure, rubbing Adora's head from the top to the sides to the back, over and over, gradually increasing the pressure as Adora continued making those small humming noises that Catra loved to hear so much. As it was clear that Adora was enjoying it, she moved the emphasis from her palms doing a petting motion and more to her fingertips, gently massaging her scalp.
“Catra... th-that feels quite nice...” Adora mumbled, the tone of her voice clearly different from just moments ago. While still muddled and quiet with her speaking, it was evident that the cause was no longer her anxiety and insecurity, but rather from the kind of pleasure and stillness that makes clear enunciation difficult.
“Good, it's supposed to~” Catra, while still being restrained with her tone, allowed the slightest hint of flirtiness to manifest. She started changing the position of her hands such that instead of her fingertips making the most contact, it was her fingernails, lightly scratching and stimulating Adora's head and scalp, which elicited even more vocally from Adora.
“Catra, that's so nice, it feels good, thank you thank you...” Adora muttered.
“Good girl,” Catra said. “That's right you don't need to worry for now, ok? Just let me take care of you.” She finished up the head scratches with one last regular old headpat and ruffled Adora's hair slightly.
“Thank you so much Catra, that felt so nice...”
“Of course, princess. I have to pamper you, since you're a princess and all.” Catra winked and assessed Adora's body language. She was clearly calmer, but still not wholly at ease. “Want some cuddles?”
“Yes I think I can handle that now...” Adora said with more confidence than she'd shown thus far that night. Catra scooted closer to her on the couch, wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and put her other hand on her lap.
“Glad to hear it princess, I like getting to be close to you.” Catra sighed contentedly and rubbed Adora's thigh gently.
“Me too.” Adora relaxed into Catra's embrace, allowing herself at last to be held, and to be still, at least for the moment.
The still moment lasted for maybe a minute, and as they sat snuggled together on the couch, Catra could hear Adora's heartbeat gradually slow to a less frenzied pace. Their still moment together was interrupted by the least bothersome interruption possible: Catra's pet kitty and possibly best friend, Melog, wandered into the living room. The silence was broken by a series of meows and chirps as the little black cat jumped onto the couch and bumped their furry head against Adora's torso.
“Heheh, looks like this little guy wants some Adora cuddles too,” Catra giggled. “Surely you wouldn't deny Melog, right?”
“Of course not.” Adora managed a little smile and adjusted herself to have easy access to the good little kitty. She performed some little head pats, scratching behind his ears, petting the length of his back. “It's like I'm just passing on the pets and scratches you gave me just now!” Adora found herself absorbed in the task of lavishing Melog with all the pampering she could give.
“Well don't give all my affection away, I did give it to you after all.” Catra winked. “And you should know by now how stingy I am with my affection so you should be more frugal with giving it away.”
Adora snickered. “I don't know what you're talking about, you're a big sappy girl with a big old gay crush on me.” She looked back to Catra as Melog decided that he'd had enough petting for now and jumped off the couch to do his important cat business. “You give me as much affection as I need, which uhhh... seems to be quite a lot these days.” She tugged on her sleeve, but not in the panicked way she had earlier. Moreso out of instinct, knowing that she'd have to bring up what she'd done to herself sooner or later. Adora hoped for “later” though.
“You saw right through me, princess,” Catra said. “Underneath my tough exterior, I'm a sappy lesbian who loves her girlfriend more than anything, who wants to give you everything I can, you caught me.” It was nice to see Adora in a slightly better state, though Catra couldn't pretend like everything was totally fine here. She'd seen how quickly Adora's mood could swing when she was having a rough day. Or rough week. Rough month?
“Well thanks regardless.” Adora replied. “I'll take all the help I can get these days...”
“Things have been rough recently haven't they?” Catra asked, trying to feel out if it was ok to ask Adora about the specific circumstances of today's anxieties.
“Yeah... Well you know already dypshoria's been really bad for me today.” Adora tugged at the fabric of her hoodie. “Brought the old dysphoria hoodie back into service, apparently I still get debilitated by it even though I'm trying my best to transition. Sometimes it feels like it's only gotten worse as I try harder and harder to do this.”
“Yeah, that makes sense. I've heard that it can sometimes get worse after starting to do the whole social transition thing, cause it's like. I dunno, gender's on the brain I guess?” Catra wondered aloud. “Not trying to say “this is exactly what's going on in your head right now”, I'm just trying to help you brainstorm I suppose.” Catra reached and touched Adora's hoodie as well. “And big hoodies are comfy, they're not just dysphoria management tools. This one looks cute on you!”
Adora smiled. “Well cute or no, it's definitely doing lots of stuff at once.” She brushed her left arm with her right hand. “This bad boy's not just covering up for dysphoria today.” Her voice went quiet discussing this. “You could probably tell that though.”
“Well, I do know you pretty well, princess.” Catra said softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Adora was silent, clearly thinking hard on whether she had the wherewithal to have this conversation. “Not much to say. Local self harm addict cuts herself again for minor mistakes. Sounds pretty cut and dry to me.” She winced. “Pun not intended.”
“Can I ask why you did it? It'd been a while since the last time right?” Catra asked.
“You can ask, but I dunno how well I can answer it.” Adora shrugged. “It's not like there's some magical “good reason” for cutting myself. So no matter what I say, it's a bad reason.”
“Okay... is it that you don't know the reason, or you just don't have the energy to talk about it right now?” Catra couldn't help but look down at Adora's left forearm, even though it was still fully sleeved.
“I can't articulate it right now. Obviously today's a bad dysphoria day but it's not just that. Though it is that too.” Adora let out a long sigh. “I guess it's that like. I'm only realizing now just how bad I am at being a girl even though being a boy makes me wanna die? Like, knowing I can't go back to how things were before I knew I was trans. I was mostly happy back when I thought I was a boy y'know? Like, I had my whole life ahead of me and things were looking up. And since then everything has just fallen apart.” She tugged on her left sleeve.
“I don't think everything has fallen apart...” Catra started. “Y'know, we weren't dating before you transitioned. Obviously it's not like I'm your gender saviour or anything, your life isn't magically great cause we're dating, but I mean... I feel like that's at least a bit of a silver lining right?”
Adora half-smiled. “I guess so... it's still just hard. Like, the knowledge that I'm trans means it's like a point of no return I guess? Now that I know this thing about myself it's forcing me to totally re-orient my life goals and it's like the rug's been pulled out from under me. And not only do I have to find a new rug, but it feels like everything in the world is trying to keep me from finding a new one.” She rolled her eyes. “That's a stupid analogy, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.”
“It's not stupid, baby. I like hearing you put all this together. It helps me know you better and it helps me know how to help out better.” She took Adora's hand in hers, rubbing the back of it softly. “If it's worth anything, I'll help you find a new rug.” She smirked.
“How romantic, thanks Catra.” Adora snorted a little bit.
“No worries, I do try hard after all.” Catra paused for a moment. “Well, I sometimes try hard. I try hard for you. Not for any of the other bullshit life throws at us.”
“That's all I need.” Adora smiled.
Catra paused for a moment, thinking of the best way to ask the next question on her mind. “Can... can I see it?”
Adora looked away. “You mean, the wounds?”
“Yeah, that's what I meant.” Catra paused. “You don't have to show me of course, I just want to see how you're doing physically. Cause you seem like you're doing better than you were earlier.”
“Well yeah I'm doing better, but I just. I dunno. It makes me feel vulnerable and gross. Plus they're ugly. So I don't know if I can handle letting you see them right now.”
Catra nodded. “Well, you don't have to. We can do that another time if you want. Or you can just not show me, it's not like I need to see them to know you're not doing well.”
Adora closed her eyes tight for a moment, scrunching up her face a little. “No... it's probably for the best. Just looking though, please don't touch. They're sensitive.”
“Thanks Adora, it means a lot that you trust me this much.” Catra said.
Adora gingerly pulled up her sleeve to the elbow. An array of thin, red stripes ran horizontally across the bottom of her left forearm, near the pit of her elbow. They were clearly fresh, just barely scabbed over. The skin around the cuts was slightly raised, making a visible texture, though they did not look swollen or infected. If she were honest with herself, Catra probably wouldn't know how to tell if they actually were infected, but these injuries didn't look as bad as they could possibly be. Though of course, any self-inflicted injury was worse than none at all. Adora closed her eyes as she bared her arm. Looking directly at them may make her start spiralling again, and she felt like she was supposed to balk at having someone else see her injuries so soon after she'd inflicted them. But with Catra, she didn't seem to mind.
“So yeah... there they are. Basically they're cat scratches.” Adora started, then stopped herself. “Sorry, I'm sure you and Melog wouldn't do something like this. I need a different euphemism I guess. They're not bad though, I barely cut at all basically, this is the outermost layer of skin, not even breaching the epidermis. It's basically not even a problem so I don't know why I'm getting so worked up over all this, it shouldn't even bother me really...” Her voice wavered.
Catra held her hand, careful not to jostle Adora's arm too much. “Hey, listen Adora. It doesn't matter if they're not deep or if they're not breaching many layers. You don't need to compare yourself to others in this ok? It doesn't matter that maybe someone else cuts deeper or whatever. What matters is that you're hurting and I want to help you.” She rubbed her thumb in circles on Adora's palm.
“It just makes me feel pathetic...” Adora muttered. “Sometimes, when I feel especially bad I'll... I'll go online and look up pictures of other peoples' injuries. It's stupid, I know I shouldn't do that, I know it triggers me and makes me more likely to hurt myself in turn but I just can't help it. And even when I do end up cutting myself as a result it's like it just gets worse and worse because I'm such a coward that I can never commit to hurt myself the way I know I deserve to be hurt and so I just have these pathetic paper cuts while I know there's people out there cutting down all the way to the fat layer and it's like my suffering won't count until I hurt myself that badly and I know that's bullshit but I can't help it...” Adora's eyes watered. “I just don't know what to do... it's like no matter what I do with this I lose.”
Catra was silent for a few moments. “That is really rough Adora. I don't have all the answers... but I do know that your suffering is valid, and the fact that there's people out there who may have it worse doesn't mean that you're suffering any less.” Catra cupped Adora's cheek with a hand. “I'm sorry you're going through this... I won't ask you not to cut anymore cause I know that's not realistic and I don't want to pretend like I'm some sort of perfect saviour for you. But I do think a good thing to start with would be to try and not trigger yourself with those pictures anymore. I don't think it's healthy and from what you're saying it probably aggravates your desire to self-harm. Am I right?”
Adora nodded. “Yep... that's a pretty on-the-nose analysis.”
“Well I do know you pretty well.” Catra smiled softly.
“Yes you do.” Adora replied. She took in a deep breath and let it out in a slow sigh. “Thanks. It really is probably for the best that I showed you, but. I think I'm done now.”
“Of course, whatever is most comfy for you.” Catra said, happy to have been some help.
“Well, you are the most comfy for me.” Adora said. Catra raised an eyebrow in question, and Adora continued, “That is, uh. You're comfortable to snuggle. And cuddle. So I would like to do that because you're whatever is most comfy for me.” She smiled, genuinely smiled.
Catra snorted. “And I thought I was the sappy lesbian here.” Adora rolled her eyes. Catra continued, “Well you better get ready for some rare and precious snuggles then Princess, cats like me aren't known for being affectionate.”
“Yeah right, as if you weren't touch-starved as fuck when we first started dating.” Adora retorted.
“Yeah yeah yeah, you caught me.” Catra said. “C'mon, lap pillow's waiting for you.” She tapped her lap, indicating for Adora to put her head there.
Adora wasted no time getting into position. “You're really comfy Catra.”
“Well thanks! I like to be helpful when I can.” Catra shrugged.
“You're not just helpful! You're caring and sweet and gentle and—” Adora started.
“Yeah yeah I get it, I'm a softie now. Just don't tell anyone, I've got a tough reputation y'know!” Catra interrupted.
“Yeah I know.” Adora said from her comfortable spot. She could feel herself relaxing in a way she hadn't let herself do all day.
“But ah... you're more important than my reputation is.” Catra picked up.
“Imagine if you from 2 or 3 years ago could hear you say a thing like that.” Adora giggled.
“Yeah I wasn't really my best self back then.” Catra was silent for a moment. “That's why I've got to make up for lost time and lost cuddles y'know?”
“Oh, I know.” Adora said. Catra could hear the smile in her voice.
“Doin a bit better now princess?” Catra asked after a few moments.
“Yes I am... Thank you for taking care of me...” Adora said.
“Of course! I love pampering my royal girlfriend.” Catra joked, but clearly with an element of sincerity.
“Well I love getting pampered. And ah. Put back together.” Adora adjusted herself so she was sitting up again, with an arm wrapped around Catra's shoulder and their torsos touching.
“Well I love... you!” Catra said, booping Adora's nose.
“I love you too Catra.” Adora replied, and leaned in for a kiss. Catra leaned in too, but the two of them were interrupted by Melog starting to meow.
Catra sighed. “Melog, we were kinda in the middle of something?”
“Oh shush!” Adora countered. She turned to the kitty. “We both love you too, ok Melog?”
The little black cat slowly closed and opened their eyes, let out a little chirp, then hopped off of the bed, off to do whatever it is cats do in their spare time.
“Look at the cat whisperer.” Catra muttered.
“I'll show you cat whispering!” Adora smirked, and leaned in close to Catra's head. She got right next to one of her ears and whispered, “I loooove you~.”
Catra shuddered as Adora pulled back. “Well I love you too! So there.”
Adora smiled. “Want to kiss now?”
Catra snickered. “I usually do.”
“Me too--” Adora started to say, before she was promptly shut up by Catra's mouth on hers.
It was a gentle kiss, it lasted longer than a mere peck on the lips, but they both knew Adora was too tired for any Advanced Kissing Techniques, so they just stayed there for a moment, feeling each others softness and love and care and tenderness. Eventually though, they pulled apart again.
“Thank you so much.” Adora said, a little breathless with emotion.
“Of course! Anytime. I'm glad I could help.” Catra smiled. “It's gonna be ok Princess.”
“Yeah... it is.” Adora echoed. And for the first time today, she really believed it.
It is gonna be ok.