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The night sky is littered with luminous balls of gas. The thoughts in her head are restless and nonstop. All the doubts that have been festering her for as long as she can remember are loud and at the forefront of her mind.
Regina has been tossing and turning on her bed for hours, hoping for sleep to come. She’s tempted by the thought of drinking medicine to help her sleep. Ali’s concerned voice echoes in her mind.
“You shouldn’t keep relying on these pills, Regina.”
She knows Ali’s words are justifiable but she is beyond exhausted. She wishes that when she closes her eyes, she will no longer see the disappointed look on her father’s eyes or the hatred aimed at her by the townsfolk or her . But no matter how hard she prays or begs for the images to leave her mind, it won’t.
She gives trying to sleep another try for thirty more minutes. When she hears the clock chime indicating that it’s midnight, her exhaustion has won over her concern of her health. She needs sleep in order to function tomorrow. She ends up reaching for the pill bottle on top of her bedside table.
To her luck, the bottle is empty. In her frustration she rubs her face and lets out a squeal. She thinks that alcohol might be the better option now but Ali’s voice echoes in her mind again. Maybe a drive to the pharmacy will be worth it. The drive might also clear up her mind.
She puts on a robe and wears a pair of slippers before grabbing the keys hanging by the wall. The drive to the pharmacy is quite long despite its short distance from her home considering she’s purposefully driving slow. If she is being honest she is dreading coming back to her empty apartment.
If the pharmacist had any quandary over her choice of clothing or the fact that she is purchasing sleeping pills at past midnight, he did not say anything. Even if he did, she knows a glare of hers could silence him anyway.
She clutches the paper bag containing the pills close to her and languidly walks back to her car. She knows she should go home now since she already has the medicine but a strong pull in her gut is telling her to go somewhere instead.
She lets the feeling pull her towards it. Wherever it may be.
The drive towards it is quiet and serene. The sense of coming home encompasses her. It feels like a warm hug given by someone that deeply loves her. Maybe in some sense she is home. This is where they first met after all.
She gets out of her car and walks over the edge. The cliff is just how she remembers it. The ghost of her youth weighs on her. The blissful innocence that she had felt before wriggles towards the surface of her heart that has been fortified by her experiences. She immediately tries to bury it back deep beneath, it won’t listen to her.
Soon, flashes of images of her young self appear in her mind. She closes her eyes, willing it to go away, to leave her alone. She does not want to remember what will happen. She does not want to remember how much she cared back then. She does not want to remember how much she wanted to save her then when she also needed saving. She does not want to remember how both of them decided they will save themselves leading them to where they are now.
She doesn't even know where that is now.
Everything unfolded so quickly. She remembers it starting but can’t remember it ending. Maybe she does remember but she just refuses to accept that they might have reached their ending and so she chooses to say she has forgotten it instead.
She recalls the fight that began the end of it all. When that fight ensued she didn’t think too much about it at that time. Both of them were caught up in their emotions. Both of them were angry. Both of them said words that they shouldn’t have said. In hindsight, she should have known they were nearing the end. She said words that she knew would hurt, it was meant to cut deep. She prides herself in using other people’s weakness against them and maybe she knew that all too well. Maybe she knew that she is good at hurting people. She just didn’t expect she would be at the receiving end of it. She remembers how hurt she looked and the utter disbelief in her eyes after those words left her mouth that night. She ended up leaving that night and that was the first night that she slept alone.
In the morning she apologized which she had accepted but she felt something had shifted. It was the first crack to their already fragile affinity and those cracks multiplied gradually until the only thing left to happen was to break.
It did break.
She realizes too late that she’s crying. She only comes to her senses when she hears herself sobbing, the loud cries occupying the silence surrounding her. The tears won’t stop falling no matter how hard she tries to wipe them away. The tears keep coming, having been held back for months now.
She can’t believe it’s been months since she last saw her . She can’t believe that it’s been months of sleepless nights in an empty bed. She can’t believe that she’s been living for months without her .
The recollection of their promises of staying until the end wedges a knife that has already been plunged in her heart even deeper. It causes her to buckle on her knees, bracing herself as she collapses. The dirt and small rocks prick her knees but the pain in her heart weighs her down.
She wishes she did not let go of her promises. She wishes she continued holding on. She wishes she fought for it even harder. But how could she hold on or fight for something that she already has given up on?
It would have been like fighting for something with all your heart with all bets on the table knowing you would still lose in the end. Maybe it would have still been worth it though. Maybe if she saw how much she was willing to fight for it then she would have stayed.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
All of her nights since they had come to their end are filled with questions of doubt. Her nights are filled with the thoughts of the things she might have done differently. It was an endless loop without knowing where it began or ended.
She hates it more than she hates the loathing and disappointment in her father’s eyes each time she does something not worthy enough for him.
She wails into the empty air. She stops caring if someone might hear her. For once she wants them to know the pain she’s bearing. She wants them to know how heavy it weighs on her. She wants them to know the pain takes away her sleep each night leaving her into an empty husk of herself in the morning.
Maybe them is just her but it doesn’t matter, it's all the same anyway. She has always been everything to her.
She feels the air fizzle. Hears the rustling of the leaves. Sees the quivering of the ground. Smells the scent of freshly picked roses.
The footsteps are quiet and hesitant as it comes near her. Then she feels the warmth of the embrace. She feels the closest thing to home. She feels her .
She sobbed even louder and her hold on her tightens. A voice inside her head is telling her to refuse the embrace, to push her away. But how could she?
She misses her too much to let her go again.
“Tahan na, nandito lang ako,” Narda’s voice trembles.
With that Regina finally lets herself revel in the warmth of Narda’s arms and the sense of safety that naturally comes with her presence.
“Nandito lang ako, hindi ako aalis,” Narda repeats with added assurance.
Regina sobs even more at that. She wanted to say that she already left her but she doesn’t want to fight anymore. She’s too worn out to argue.
When her sobs have stopped and only the redness of her eyes and nose are the reminder that she cried, she feels Narda’s arms hold on her loosen.
“Huwag, sabi mo hindi ka aalis.”
Her voice trembles as she pleads for Narda not to leave her. She grabs Narda’s arm. The tears are suddenly springing out of her eyes again as she looks back to face Narda. There is a small smile on Narda’s angelic face but a hint of sadness taints her eyes.
“Hindi ako aalis, dadalhin lang sana kita sa kotse mo. Mahamog dito ayaw kong magkasakit ka lalo na ang nipis-nipis ng suot mo. Kung ayaw mo naman hindi kita pipilitin. ”
She frowns but nods, letting Narda know that she is fine with it.
Narda proceeds to carry her in a bridal style. She kept her arms locked on Narda’s body. She relishes on Narda’s scent, having not smelt it for months now. Although a hint of men’s body spray lingers.
Her heart pricks thinking about the why and how .
“You smell quite differently.”
“Galing ako ng trabaho, baka yung pabango ng pasyente ko yung naaamoy mo.”
She buries her head on the crook of Narda’s neck.
“Talaga?”
“Oo, ginagamit ko pa rin yung pabango na niregalo mo sa akin noon. Medyo tinitipid ko nga lang kasi hindi ko alam saan bibili ulit kapag naubos na ‘yun.”
“I can give you more.”
“Regina.”
There’s pain lingering in Narda’s voice as she utters her name.
“What?”
“Alam mong hindi na pwede ‘yun.”
“Why not?”
Narda sighs.
“Regina, alam mo kung bakit. Huwag na natin pahirapan ang mga sarili natin.”
Narda opens the car on the passenger side without any of her help. She is in awe of how strong Narda is. She wonders what’s stopping Narda from slipping her in the car and she sees that her eyebrows are furrowed. She follows Narda’s line of sight and sees the pill bottle on the seat.
She snatches it and clutches it into her arms, hidden from Narda's eyes. She hears Narda clear her throat before she gently slips her on the seat.
“Ako na magmamaneho sa’yo pauwi.”
“Ayaw ko pa umuwi.”
“Regina, gabi na,” Narda argues.
“Please, huwag mo muna ako ihatid.”
“Regina kailangan ko—”
Anger bubbles in her chest. “Kung kailangan mo umalis edi umalis ka. Hindi kita pinipigilan pero ako ayaw ko pa umuwi. I can drive myself home kung ayaw mo. It’s not like I need you.”
Hurt flashes on Narda’s face and then she nods.
“Sige, sasamahan kita.”
She doesn’t have anything to say back and so she ends up leaning her head on the window. She stares ahead of her, refusing to see anymore of the pain and sadness that has tainted Narda’s eyes. She could feel Narda’s eyes on her, searching for something she’ll never find.
Silence enveloped them until Narda spoke up again.
“Bakit ka nandito?”
She freezes. She doesn’t know how to answer that.
“I felt like I just had to be here.”
There was another streak of silence.
“Ikaw, why are you here?”
Narda seems genuinely surprised that she asked that question. Maybe it’s the lack of care in her tone that surprised Narda or maybe it’s the empty look on her eyes.
“Umiikot ako… tapos narinig ko yung mga iyak mo.”
Her jaw clenches. Narda heard her. Narda witnessed her cry for her name. Narda could have ignored her but she didn’t and she chose to come to her instead.
Narda for once chose her over her duty.
“You didn’t have to come here though.”
Narda smiles bitterly. The truth about their situation dawns on the both of them, shattering the bubble of blissful ignorance they have created for a short while. The gravity of the truth clings heavily on the both of them.
“Alam ko.”
“But thank you.”
The bitter smile on Narda’s face morphs into a more genuine one. The butterflies in her stomach that she thought would never come back are suddenly brought back to life because of that smile. They flutter wildly and without care.
She refuses to look into Narda’s eyes. Afraid that she will be lost in them. Afraid that she will be a prisoner of her heart once again. Afraid of the pain that will come once it blooms fruitless.
“Regina bakit nasa labas ka pa ng ganitong oras? Ayaw kong manghimasok pero nag-aalala ako para sa’yo.”
Regina sighs. She again looks away choosing to lean again on the window but this time instead of looking ahead she closes her eyes.
“Then you don’t have to know.”
“Ano?”
“You said you didn’t want to intrude and I don’t want to let you in either so you don’t have to know either.”
“Regina…”
Regina opens her eyes.
“Tama ka Narda, sasaktan lang natin parehas ang mga sarili natin kung babalikan pa natin ang nakaraan. Pwede ka na umalis if I’m bothering you.”
“Regina alam mong kahit kailan hindi—”
“Narda tama na, pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na ako, I just want to rest.”
“Ihahatid na kita.”
“No, I don’t want to go back to my apartment.”
“Paano ka magpapahinga kung hindi ka uuwi?”
She doesn’t answer and instead she reclines her seat. She puts her arm over her eyes. The tears on them remain unshed as she stops herself from crying even more in front of her old lover.
“Regina please, ihahatid na kita. May shift ako mamaya sa hospital hindi naman kita pwedeng iwan lang dito.”
“You already left me once, what's stopping you from doing it again?” Regina mumbles.
The silence comes again. She knows what she said is a low blow but what more can she say. It’s the truth and she’s tired too. She doesn’t want to keep arguing with Narda.
She hears the seat beside her reclining. She doesn’t bother to look, knowing it’s Narda’s doing.
“What are you doing?”
“Sabi ko hindi kita iiwan kaya kung dito ka lang, dito lang din ako. Inaantok na ako kaya matutulog ako.”
Regina huffs.
“Are you doing this so you can leave?”
“Dito nga ako matutulog para may kasama ka so paano ko ‘to ginagawa para makaalis ako.”
“Don’t be cheeky with me,” she grumbles.
Narda’s chuckles fill the vehicle. It leaves a pleasant feeling on her heart. She wishes it doesn’t.
She hears Narda’s fumbling before it quiets down again. She guesses Narda has finally settled herself on the seat.
She knows that Narda has been busy especially after she started attending medical school while still serving the community as a super being. She feels bad knowing that she has put Narda into this situation but at the same time she has given her plenty of chances to leave and she chooses not to.
She decides that she should at least answer the question Narda asked her a while ago.
She clears her throat, still her eyes are closed.
“I went to the pharmacy to get some medicine.”
Narda hums.
“Is it… is it sleeping pills?”
She can feel Narda moving around. She can feel Narda’s eyes on her. She can feel the concern encompassing Narda’s tone as the hesitant question leaves her mouth.
“It is.”
There’s another pause before she hears a stifle. Her eyes open and the sight of Narda in tears immediately welcomes her. She feels a gut wrenching pain that clenches her heart.
“How long have you been taking them?”
She bitterly smiles. “You don’t want to know the answer to that.”
Narda shakes her head.
“Gusto kong malaman.”
“For what Narda? So you could blame yourself? So you could blame me? So we could hate each other even more?”
Narda reaches for her hand.
She lets her.
“Huwag na huwag mong sasabihin ‘yan. Kahit kailan hindi kita kayang kamuhian.”
“Then why Narda? Why did you leave me?”
“Parehas na tayong naubos Regina.”
She shakes her head.
“That’s where you’re wrong, Narda. If you had given me hope that you’re ready to fight for us, even just a miniscule one. I would have held onto that and fought for us till the end but you didn’t. You gave up. Sumuko ka, Narda. Iniwan mo ko.”
Narda’s tears continue to cascade down her cheeks. She wanted to wipe them away for her. Instead, the tears that have been building up in her eyes have clouded her vision and began falling uncontrollably.
“Narda, what’s the point of you knowing how long I’ve been taking medication just so I could sleep? What’s the point of knowing when you have given up on me, on us?”
“Naalala mo ba yung sinabi ko sa iyo dati?”
Narda tries her best to stifle her sobs in between her words.
“Ano dun? Is it the promises that you broke?”
Narda shakes her head. “Naalala mo yung gabi… yung gabi na natapos na ang lahat?”
“You said a lot that night but none of them stuck. I only remembered the rain and how cold it was as I begged you to stay.”
The bitter smile lingers on Narda’s lips.
“Ganun ba?”
She nods her head languidly. Narda suddenly ruffles her hair.
“Patawad kung nasaktan kita noon. Mas maganda talaga ata na huwag ko nang ipaalala sa’yo kung ano yung sinabi ko noon,” Narda pauses.
Narda lets go of Regina’s hand and gently pushes her back so she could lie back on her seat. Narda continues to gently stroke her head. She can feel her eyes closing once again.
“Matulog ka na Regina. ‘Pag gising mo, nandito pa rin ako.”
“You don’t have to.”
“But I want to. Gusto ko nandito ako ‘pag gising mo.”
Narda doesn’t stop stroking Regina’s head until she can no longer see new tears springing out of her eyes. Narda doesn’t stop until she can hear Regina’s even breathing. Narda doesn’t stop until Regina has finally fallen asleep.
“Noong gabing ‘yun, I only wished one thing for you. I want you to be able to sleep well through the night.”
Narda lies down on her own reclined seat and closes her eyes as well, reaching for Regina’s limp hand. Willing for sleep to come. It has also been months since she slept peacefully. Hearing Regina’s even breathing soothes her racing mind and finally she too succumbs to slumber.
The night sky is littered with luminous balls of gas. The thoughts in their minds have finally come to a stop. The doubts that linger have returned back into the depths of their minds.
After a long while they will finally be able to sleep through the night.