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The sky is dark, not even the moonlight can pass through the heavy clouds that hang over their heads. The air is humid, remnants of the heavy rain that just passed. The city is bustling with noise from the groups of people walking by. It’s late yet she can still hear the music blaring from the walls of the night clubs across the street and the faint lights seeping through its doors as it swings open.
Mikha would be inside one of them right now if it wasn’t for the fact that not even the ear-shattering music can drown out the noises inside her head. She chooses to sit idle in her car, pondering what she should do next.
She had been sleeping for a bit when she jolted awake nearly an hour ago. She had a long day, exhaustion clung to her body weighing her down. She wishes for rest to come but alas her mind betrayed her. She chose to get into her car and drive away rather than wrestle with her sheets.
She didn’t reach very far, ending up at a gas station to grab a few things. The bag had been tossed at the backseat and now she sits and waits. She doesn’t know what she’s waiting for but a faint voice in her head tells her otherwise.
You used to come here all the time, with her.
As more unwanted memories begin to claw its way out from the darkest and deepest part of her brain, she decides that enough waiting has been done. She focuses on the roar of the car’s engine and the slight squeal of its tires as she abruptly drives away.
Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes feel heavy. The streetlights blur into streaks along the windshield. She tries to tighten her grip on the steering wheel, her knuckles white and hands trembling. Her throat feels dry and her mouth tastes of bile. She takes a deep breath hoping for calmness but it comes out shaky instead.
She squints, forcing herself to focus on the empty road ahead. She blinks, once and then twice. She saw a blinding light before hearing the loud blare of another car’s horn. She gasps and without thinking, jerks the wheel. The car swerves along the lanes before she manages to straighten it.
Blood rushes through her body and she hears her heart pounding. She’s still holding on to the wheel but her grip has loosened. Her eyes darted at her left mirror, nothing but the sight of vanishing light from the car that had passed.
She wanted to stop and take a moment to collect herself but she didn't think rest would do her good. The pull and anticipation of what’s to come is way stronger. She pressed on, driving towards the stillnest of the dark road ahead.
As the road becomes more familiar, the chill of the night manages to seep deeper into her bones. Her teeth begin to chatter and her muscles spasms as shivers run through her body. She isn’t quite sure if she’s slowly growing numb from the cold.
Eventually, she finds herself walking towards the edge of a very familiar cliff. She falls onto the ground, her legs too weak to keep her up. She wraps her arms around herself willing for warmth and comfort to come. All of the unshed tears begin pouring.
She cries.
She wails.
She screams.
She cursed out the empty sky. She wonders if the moon is too much of a coward like her, hiding beneath the clouds. Even at the times she’s needed most she refuses to be seen. Then she remembers the moon only shines because of its sun.
She then remembers Aiah. Mikha’s own light that guides her through the darkness. Her own warmth that gives her comfort even from a distance. Her own anchor that pulls her into an orbit to keep her steady.
Upon seeing a familiar rock on the ground that had their initials carved onto it, she bends over on the ground. Bile rose to her throat and she let it out, it burned. Her mouth tasted sour and a bitter feeling remained.
She reaches for the rock and grabs onto it. It was sharp and jagged but she couldn't seem to let go. Soon, flashes of images of their young selves appear in her mind. She could no longer hold it down despite how much she closed her eyes, willing it to go away.
She doesn't want to remember the first innocent admittance of their love for each other. She doesn't want to remember how deeply Aiah cared and how it's so different now. She doesn't want to remember how much Aiah wanted to save her back then when she herself also needed saving. She doesn’t want to remember how the both of them chose themselves, hiding behind the pretense of saving what was left.
Their choices ultimately led them here. Yet she doesn’t even know where here is.
Everything unfolded so quickly. She remembers it starting but can’t remember it ending. Reaching far back into her memories maybe she does know why it did but she’s always been too stubborn to admit it to herself. She can't wrap her mind around the idea that they have reached their ending. She refuses to accept that nothing is left of them so she chooses to say that she has forgotten the why instead.
She recalls the fight that began the end of it all. It’s silly to think that something so little could spark into something so big they can’t control it anymore. When that fight ensued she didn’t think too much about it. It was just another bad night for them, she thought. Both of them were caught up in their emotions. Both of them said words that they shouldn’t have. Both of them thought they would have another chance to fix it later.
In hindsight, she should have known they were nearing the end. She said words that she knew would hurt, something meant to cut deep. It cut so deep it left scars that no time can ever mend.
"You don't know me at all, Aiah. You've never asked what I wanted. You're so selfish! You think that everything always revolves around you and everyone just has to go along with it."
When Mikha is pushed into a corner, she prides herself on knowing exactly where to aim. She uses a person’s vulnerability against them and Aiah knew that all too well. Aiah knows that Mikha can hurt people and that she’s good at it when needed but maybe she never expected to be at the receiving end of it. She remembers the pain that flashed into Aiah’s eyes and the look of utter disbelief after those words left her mouth that night. Aiah ended up walking out on her and that was the first night that she slept alone in a long time.
In the morning, Mikha apologized as soon as Aiah returned, which she had accepted but she knew both of them felt that something had shifted. That fight had become the point of no return. It was the first crack to their already fragile affinity. That’s the thing about cracks, it doesn’t remain as one. It gradually spreads and it multiplies creating a web of it until the only thing left to happen is to break.
It didn’t just break, it shattered like glass. Its sharp pieces are scattered everywhere. No matter how much Mikha tries to avoid it, the fragments still manage to cut her.
Mikha’s tears soak through her shirt as she buries her head between her legs. The tears wouldn’t stop falling no matter how harsh she wipes it away. It keeps coming, having been held back for months now.
She can’t believe that it’s been months since she last saw Aiah. She can’t believe that it’s been months of sleepless nights in an empty bed. She can’t believe that she’s managed to live for so long without her.
The recollection of their promises of staying until the end wedges a knife that has already been plunged in her heart even deeper. The bleeding won’t stop. No matter how much she braces herself the pain just wouldn’t go away. She remembers that she’s still on the ground and that the dirt and small rocks prick her body but the pain in her heart continues to weigh her down.
Weak and exhausted, the rock that cut her hand had found its way back on the ground. Mikha wishes she didn’t let go of her promises. She wishes she was more resilient to continue holding on. She wishes she was braver to fight even harder. But how can she hold on or fight when the most resilient and bravest person she’s ever met has already given up?
"I can't do this anymore, Mikha. We've been lying to ourselves, holding on to something that is long gone."
What can she possibly do when Aiah looked her in the eye and told her she was sick and tired of fighting?
It would have been like stepping into a battle, your life on the line, with the toughest armor and the sharpest of swords but you know you will still lose in the end. Maybe it would have still been worth it though. Maybe if Aiah saw how much Mikha was willing to fight for them then she would have stayed.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
All of her nights since they had come to an end have been filled with questions of doubt. Her nights haunted by the things she wonders she could have done differently. It was an endless loop without knowing how to stop it. She's not even sure if she truly wants to stop it because during those times she still sees a glimpse of the woman that she loves the most.
She can't deny, however, that she hates it more than she hates the loathing and disappointment in people’s eyes whenever she does something that is not worthy or appropriate for them.
She wails into the empty air. She stops caring if someone might hear her. For once she wants them to know the pain she’s bearing. She wants them to know how heavy it weighs on her. She wants them to know the pain robs away her sleep each night and replaces it with vivid nightmares leaving her into an empty husk of herself in the morning.
Maybe the “them” she’s pertaining to is just Aiah, but it doesn’t matter. In the end it’s all the same. Aiah has always been and will remain everything to her.
She feels the change of breeze. Sees the blinding light from a distance. Hears the soft crunch of the dry leaves as the car wheels roll over them. Sees the blinding lights from a distance. Smells the unpleasant fumes from its exhaust.
The footsteps are quiet and hesitant as it comes closer to her. Then at last the chill that stings her skin has been replaced with the warmth of her embrace. She feels the closest thing to home.
Mikha finally feels Aiah’s body around her.
Aiah’s embrace grounds her. Mikha sobs even louder and Aiah’s hold on her tightens. A voice inside her head is reprimanding her, convincing her to have decency and refuse the embrace. The voice tells her to push Aiah away, but how can she?
She misses Aiah too much to ever let her go again.
“I'm finally here,” Aiah’s voice was soft but sure.
With that Mikha lets herself go. She collapses into Aiah’s embrace and welcomes the warmth of her body. She felt safe with the presence that naturally oozes out of Aiah, gentle and commanding.
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” Aiah repeats with added assurance.
Mikha’s sobs become more uncontrollable. She wanted to yell at Aiah to tell her that she already left but she seems to find within her that she has no more fight left. The long night had worn her out, she had no more energy to argue.
With Aiah’s comforting embrace, Mikha’s tears had finally stopped flowing. Only the redness of her eyes and nose are a reminder that she had spent the last hour crying into the night. She felt her heart jump in fear when Aiah’s arms loosen around her.
“You can’t, you said you won’t leave,” she said in a panic.
Mikha’s voice trembles as she pleads once more for Aiah not to leave her, the moment far too familiar like a memory playing on repeat. She grips Aiah’s arm, clinging to it as if her touch alone could keep her from walking away.
Tears begin to well into her eyes again but this time she finds the courage to look back. Seeing Aiah’s face after months of nothing but fading memories, weakens her resolve even further. There is a small smile beginning to form on Aiah's face but a hint of sadness taints her eyes.
“I told you I’m not going anywhere.”
The ghost of Aiah’s touch on her cheek felt surreal.
“I was only planning to bring you to your car. It’s cold out here and I don’t want you to get ill.”
“I thought,” Mikha couldn’t seem to finish her words, too scared to utter it only for it to come true.
“If you don’t want to go I won’t force you and we can just stay here for as long as you’d like.”
Mikha frowns but she nods, a quiet way to let Aiah know that she’s fine. Aiah helped her up and Mikha, feeling weak, clung on to her. She kept close to Aiah, relishing the sweet scent of vanilla. Mikha jerks after she gets a hint of something strong and foreign on her.
Her heart aches just thinking about the how and she can’t seem to fathom the idea of who.
“You smell different.”
“I just came from work, maybe I picked up a different scent on the way here.”
Aiah helped her get comfortable in the car. Mikha would be lying if she said she didn’t miss Aiah during the few seconds that it took her to get to the driver's seat.
“You know, I’m still using the perfume you gave me,” Aiah said immediately as she got into the car.
“Really?”
“I’m actually using it less lately, I’m scared I won’t be able to find the same one.”
“I can give you more,” Mikha says all too excitedly.
“Mikha.”
Pain lingers in Aiah’s voice as she utters Mikha’s name.
“What?”
“You know that you can’t.”
“Why not?”
Aiah sighs, not entirely sure how to navigate around this without hurting Mikha.
“Mikha, we both know that you know why. Let’s not make this even harder for ourselves.”
Aiah looks away from Mikha. Aiah’s eyes begin to wander around the car and she knows that she saw what's behind them. Aiah heaves a sigh.
“I’ll take you home.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Mikha, it’s late.”
“Please, I’m begging you I don’t want to go.”
“Mikha I need to—”
Anger bubbles in Mikha’s chest. “If you want to leave then leave. I’m not stopping you but I don’t want to go. I can take myself home. I don’t need you.”
Hurt flashed on Aiah’s face, she succumbs to Mikha’s whims and nods.
“Fine, I’ll stay with you until you’re ready.”
Mikha’s grateful that Aiah agreed. She ends up leaning her head on the window, exhaustion catching up to her. She can feel Aiah’s eyes on her, searching for something. She stares ahead, refusing to face anymore of the pain and sadness that may be on Aiah’s eyes if she tries to look at it.
Silence enveloped them until Aiah showed the courage to speak again.
“How come you’re here?”
Mikha pauses. She doesn’t exactly know how to answer that.
“I felt like I just had to be here and I think I should thank my gut for listening to it because it led me to this.”
There was another stretch of silence but this time Mikha breaks it for them.
“Why are you here?”
“Colet called. The girls said you weren’t at your apartment and it was nearing midnight. I took a wild guess and it brought me here. I guess I did know you after all?”
It pains Mikha to think that what she said that night against Aiah probably still haunts her to this moment.
“You know you didn’t have to come.”
Aiah smiles bitterly. The truth about their situation dawns on the both of them, shattering the bubble of blissful ignorance they have created for a short while. The gravity of the truth clings heavily on the both of them.
Mikha refuses to look into Aiah’s eyes no matter how tempting it is. Afraid that she will be lost in them. Afraid that she will be a prisoner of her heart once again. Afraid of the pain that will come once it blooms fruitless.
“Mikha, what made you come out here so late? You don’t have to tell me but I’m worried about you. We all are.”
Mikha sighs and shuts her eyes closed. She doesn’t even know where to start.
“If I don’t have to tell you then I won’t.”
Aiah gently puts her hand on top of Mikha’s leg.
“Mikha, I know what you have in your backseat. It's not good for you.”
“If you do then why even bother asking?”
Mikha opens one of her eyes, she turns. She sees Aiah’s gentle smile has been replaced with a disapproving look.
“Because I still care and I want to know the why.”
“If you truly cared you wouldn’t have left in the first place.”
She pushes Aiah’s hand away from her leg and opens the car door to step away from the enclosing space. She needed to breathe but she couldn’t as anger boils deep within her. She marches and yanks open the door on Aiah’s side of the car.
“Get out.”
“Mikha, please can we just talk?”
Aiah begs but she steps out anyway. Mikha gets into the car without hesitation and she turns the engine on. She refuses to be a victim to Aiah’s trap any longer.
Aiah knocks on her window.
“Mikha, I still care. I still love you.”
There’s nothing but an eerie silence upon hearing those words. Everything came into a halt. Mikha absolutely didn’t know what to do now, she's been disarmed. All these months, that’s all she’s ever wanted to hear.
“Now, you want to talk?” Mikha says in defeat.
“I know it’s a bit too late and I’ve caused you a lot of pain but I’m here now.”
“Get in.”
Aiah didn’t waste anymore time and she got into the passenger seat. Mikha wondered if she should drive away again but she knows this is exactly where she wanted to be. She takes a deep breath and cuts off the engine.
“I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done,” Aiah starts.
Mikha’s about to say something but Aiah raises her hand as if to stop her.
“Let me finish. If not now I don't know when I'll ever be able to tell you all of this,” Aiah pleads.
When Mikha doesn’t argue she continues, “The night I left was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Leaving you wasn’t easy but it had to be done. We both know that we were holding each other back from reaching our dreams. I know I broke my promise of being with you no matter how hard it gets but it pained me to see you sacrifice your own happiness. You had this twisted idea in your head that if I was happy you think you'll be happy too.”
The first time that night, tears form in Aiah’s eyes. Like the strong woman she is, she composes herself knowing that she has more left to say.
“I couldn’t see you do that to yourself anymore, Mikha. I know you thought of yourself as the moon. You think you only shine because of me, because you think I’m your sun but you’re wrong. You’ve always been a star to me Mikha, and one day you’ll be your own sun too.”
Aiah leans closer to Mikha until their foreheads touch, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I care for you and I will always love you. Those feeling will never change. I wish you nothing but the best because that’s what you deserve but I think for now this should be our goodbye.”
She closes the distance between them, pressing a soft, lingering kiss on Mikha’s lips. It’s gentle and a hesitant farewell etched in touch. When she pulls away, Mikha tries to speak, but the words catch in her throat.
She feels like she’s drowning in everything unsaid. Suddenly, the warmth that Aiah gave off disappears. Everything feels cold, bone-chilling cold. Her mouth tastes sour, the bitter sting of alcohol mixing with the unmistakable tang of blood. Her surroundings blur as her fingers lose its grip from the steering wheel. A strange, acrid scent begins to fill her lungs.
She stares at the cracked screen on the dashboard, the glowing digits flickering past midnight. The whole night she's been floating through the dreaming and the waking. She feels disoriented but she unmistakably hears the banging on the window and the cries of the woman she loves the most.
“Mikha, I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere. I will take you home.”
She struggles to turn her head, it throbs with pain. She doesn't know if Aiah can hear her but it has to be said.
"Go away."
No matter how much Mikha tries to stop her nightmares from spilling over it somehow always manages to seep into the waking world.