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I remember everything from that day. Everything is burning in flame: the table, sofa, wooden chair, and even books. Everythingis burning with those colors, the bright red and orange colors, as it slowly crawl to the upstairs room to find more things to devour, more things to be burnt to ashes. I can hear the glass windows breaking, cracking, and bursting allowing the cold air of the night to come inside the house as if it will relieves the hot temperature of the burning house, our family house.
I can hear the voice of my mother, screaming in fear, screaming our names and telling us to get out from the house as soon as possible. I remember the fear and desperateness in their voices as my father opens the door of my room in panic, yelling at me to get out from my bed and leave the house at once. I do according to what they say: get out from my bed, take Dinah, our house cat, take my winter coat, and leave the house… I wish it is that easy. Everything is burning in fire even the stairs, there is no way out from the house except to jump off the stairs without catching the fire on the clothes that I wear.
I remember the feeling of being stunned and just staring at the fast-moving fire that already swallows up half of the stairs with its burning tongue. Father is yelling at me; he is horrified yet so brave, telling me to jump as high as I can like a frog jumping from the lotus leaves to another. However, the jump does not last long as I fall into the pit of fire and walking – running – towards the unlocked door to fall into another pit of ice and snow to swallow the burning fire of my pajama dress, the burning pain of my lower limbs. I lose my consciousness as the pain overpowers my tolerance and yet, no one is there to help me.
No one is there to help my burning family.
Everything in this room is white. The walls, the floor, the ceilings, and even the door on the far left are white. The rectangle boxes attached to the corner of ceiling and walls are also white. There is no other color than white in this room, not even on the dress I am wearing. It does not take me a second to notice that the floor and walls are filled with something to make it soft enough for someone not to hurt themselves if they accidentally run or fall on it. Is this the room they called as “padded cells” or personal safety room? The “calming down” room where one can only go outside if the authority opens the door?
I cannot move my hands; they are tied to something that I cannot see on my back, and every time I try to escape from this restraining dress, I find myself wasting energy for something useless. I look around me, trying to find something to free my hands from in this white empty room, full of nothing but padded walls and floor. I sigh; closing my eyes as I try to calm myself down from this too-bright-room. I cannot properly adjust my body posture. I am lying on the ground on my side as if I am a dying caterpillar that is ready to be thrown out by the owner.
I hear someone walking on the hallway, tiptoeing almost, but it is hard to confirm if they are tiptoeing or walking normally as the soundproof wall prevents me from hearing normal things. The light flicker, suddenly turning the bright white room into a sudden darkness and back again as if a kid is playing with the light switch to confuse their parents; who on earth would do this to its patients! My mind screams even louder as the darkness begins to fill the room with its favorite color but I still cannot speak the voice of my head as bandages around my head and face prevents me to say a word. Then, I hear a squeaking noise coming from the door on the far left as it fills the dark room with its bright light until a dark figure appears to block the light from entering this white room.
The jaw of this person moves, giving me a smile as if we have known each other for a while, yet I am the only one who does not recognize the face as the shadow fills most of the front appearance of the person. This person wears a cap, a small nurse’s cap with dark blue horizontal lining in the middle of the cap.
“Good morning, Alice.” she greets me as she comes closer to where I am lying.
“How are you feeling?”
I look at her suspiciously, not recognizing her voice or even her action to me. She looks back at me, giving me another warm smile despite the surrounding darkness, trying to make me feel like I can trust her but I am not trusting her. Not even anyone in here – in this asylum.
She helps me to sit on the ground before transporting me to the wheelchair she brings with her. She pulls the wheelchair closer to me to eliminate the distance her energy has to waste to lift me up and placed me there. Yet, with so many movement of her body, I still cannot read her name tag that dangles from her neck down to her stomach. Again, my thoughts are racing against each other: who is she?
She adjusts my seating position on the wheelchair, trying to make me feel as comfortable as possible. She pushes me out the dark room to the hospital’s hallway and never unchains me from this restraining clothing that now almost makes my hands feel numb. The nurse talks about many things as she pushes me through the hospital hallway back to where my room is; her talks includes her working day in the hospital and the wonderful, beautiful day in the garden as most of flowers are blooming indicating the gloomy winter has passed away, welcoming the bright spring season to come.
I stay quiet the whole time while she talks since there is nothing I am interested in hearing or even replying her with; however, the moment she mentions a caterpillar, it reminds me of something from my dream – my Wonderland.
“Once their transformation is done, they change into a butterfly,” she says as she proceeds telling me about spending my day outside of the room to enjoy the sunlight outside.
I observe my surrounding again as we have ran into many other insane children being tended for their needs by the nurses, just like me. Some are screaming, crying, and even laughing hysterically as if something has just happened to them to the extent of showing such a strong emotion. While here I am, unable to smile, talk, and walk; worst of all, the strong sense of guilt as the only survivor of the hell is still swallowing me alive, feeding my mind the wrong words that are perceived as right from deep within me.
I am still there; stuck in time as I keep going back repeatedly to my burnt “fantasy world”, trying to figure out something to fix my “unfixable” sanity – my madness. The memories of that night – the memories that I keep reliving every single day without a break. I am just like Mad Hatter, stuck at a six o’clock tea party as it recycles itself again and again without fail.
The nurse stops pushing the wheelchair, turning it to the left, just right in front of the wooden door that has my name on the side to tell whose room is whose as there are far too many children and rooms in this asylum. She opens the door to my room and as she pushes me inside the room, everything is still the same from the day when I was transported to the calm-down-room for suddenly harming myself and attacking anyone who dare to come inside my room. My sanity is breaking down further and further; there is no escape from the madness of the Wonderland, not even me.
I am falling. Down, down, down the deep rabbit hole; I am falling into a void of darkness that slowly changes as I fall deeper. There are many things that fall down or going up against the current such as teapots, teacups, plates in different sizes, and many more; all these things make me wonder if I am falling down or not as I can feel that I am falling down but all these cutleries and tableware are going against me, or maybe falling slowly. The fall does not last long as I soon landed on a heap of sticks and dry leaves without any pain on my body. I moved away from the heap as my dress is dirtied by the small cracked leaves and little pieces of sticks that get stuck on my dress.
I quickly stand up and clean the blue and white dress with a little bit splatter of crimson red over here and there as I slowly walk and look at my surrounding. In Wonderland, I can walk freely on my own with my own legs; there is no need for a nurse to take care of me, not even the white restraining dress to prevent me from moving my hands freely or hurting myself. I am free in here – in my Wonderland.
As soon as I begin walking on the ground, the surrounding area changes rapidly from one to another. The sky was crystal blue with white clouds covering some of its places but now, it changes to bright red and orange with darkness covering the whole sky as if the blue sky was never there in the first place. The trees are all black also and burning with fire but the fire never fade not even one bit it grows or weaken as it keeps consuming the trees endlessly. The ground is uneven with cracks everywhere, making it hard for me to move from one place to another as I fear of falling down the ground to endless void that I never knew where it goes to.
I keep looking around as I seem to recognize the place. There are many small doors attached on the random burning trees as I keep going further and further down the burning forest looking for a direction and destination. I stop walking for a while as I get deeper into the forest with no sense of direction to go and immediately, the surrounding change again to a brighter and more beautiful forest than before. The trees are not burning, the sky is blue again, and the green grass is all over the ground: what is going on in here?
“Welcome back to Wonderland, Alice Liddell,” says a deep mischievous voice that suddenly appears out of nowhere right behind me.
The moment I turn around to see who is talking, a wide grin greets me with a skeleton body that covers only in skin and it is an animal, a cat to be precise. I observe the cat closely without moving my body as I just stand here right in front of it, feeling like I know this cat from the very beginning of my insane journey. Who is this cat? And what is this feeling?
“It is rare to see Alice, the chatterbox, being so quiet after disappearing for a while,” the Cat criticizes me from the very beginning of our meeting. “Have you lost your tongue?”
“How rude of you to say, Cat,” I reply. “Why, look at you, all skin and bone. Have you lost your taste for food?”
The Cat purrs, a deep voice purr, as if he is pleased with my reply to him (and I assume the Cat is a ‘he’ from the way the voice sounds to me). His grins never stop even for just a while, and it makes me thinking about how tiring it must be to keep such a smile for a long time.
The Cat begins looking around the surrounding as if he knows that someone is watching us from afar. I begin looking around the beautiful and colorful surroundings too, trying to absorb as much color as I can before coming back to the bright red and orange along with black ground the moment I start walking again. Yet, my curiosity begins to fill me to the brim as the Cat keeps on looking around repeatedly with its skinny tail moving around on his back.
“So, Cat, tell me where I am and what’s going on in this place”
“Curious, aren’t you, Alice? Don’t you recognize the place you created before?”
With such a reply, I begin walking some distances away from the cat as he follows right beside me with its skeleton legs. The surrounding changes again the moment I walk, the burning forest with the bright red and orange fire accompany us with its light as we slowly make it to what it seems like a cliff with a pool of black water filling the ground below and a broken statue that keeps leaking with the black water. I stop walking as I want to see the original version of this pool since it seems to have a significant meaning and connection to me.
The Cat begins to purr again as I observe the clear water with the previously broken statue standing right in the middle of the pool, crying a clear water from the statue’s eyes with its hands covering the eyes only, leaving its mouth and nose open to be seen by me and perhaps the cat too. The statue’s hair is short and neat, the hair does not cover the front of her face. I can assume the statue is modeled after a girl, or maybe a lady, as she is wearing a short dress with a petticoat to make the skirt looks fluffier.
The Cat jumps down, making a big splash of water everywhere even on his body, yet he does not seem to be disturbed by the water itself. Isn’t a cat supposed to be afraid of water? My curious mind utters its curiosity as I keep looking at the Cat roaming around the area with its dark green and blue skin that only covers the skeleton, making all the bones visible for me to see.
It does not take me long to jump down the cliff as I target my jump on a ginormous mushroom that is bigger than me as landing to avoid hurting myself. I slide down from the mushroom right to the pool and making another big splash as I cover my face from receiving the water; I am never wet, not even a little bit of water makes me drench here in Wonderland.
“What is a statue doing here? And why is it crying?” I ask as I keep walking in the, now, muddy black water.
The Cat does not answer me as I just keep walking right to the middle, trying to be as close to where the original statue is placed before I stop moving again to take a clear look at it. The muddiness does no harm to me; however, it slows me down from trying to reach the middle of the pool as soon as I can while the Cat, in other hand, seems to be unaffected by the muddiness of the dark water as he just keep walking like he is on the ground.
After a worthwhile of struggling in the muddy water, I finally get to the exact same spot as where the original statue stands before. I stand still in front of the statue as the surrounding changes again to a much better and prettier environment, including the statue as it is no longer crumbling everywhere in the pool. Looking around closely, I can see heart patterns on the dress she wears as well as a necklace on her neck which shape like a…key?
The key looks very familiar to me like I have seen it many times without paying much attention, yet my memory fails to make me remember where I have seen it before Wonderland. Dr. William’s office? My mind quietly whispers its thought to me as it slowly recreates the doctor’s office inside of my head, trying to find each little details about where this particular key might be.
I look at the grinning cat that is sitting in the water with his face looking at me. He slowly runs one of his paws on the statue, scratching the statue’s leg with his long and pointed nails like he is trying to make the statue feel the pain of his nails or digging something from the rock. I can hear faint crying noises in the air as my attention suddenly turns toward the Cat, thinking that he might be the one who is making the noises.
“Don’t cry, Cat. Missing me that much?” I sneer.
“Ignorant as always, Alice,” Cat replies. “Maybe all your memories are almost gone?”
The cat walks away from the statue as the crying noises begin to get louder each steps of our way. I begin walking again as the statue is now shattered on the ground with each part of the body has left its original place and drowns inside its own black tears. I walk around the statue, looking at it as I notice the key necklace is now gone from her neck without a trace, tricking one to think like it was never there before. Where could it be? No answer comes from anyone or anywhere, not even from me for I do not know where it could be.
We walk from the center of the pool toward the stream that is full of black muddy water and rocky ground. I quickly run to the nice dry ground as it will be easier for me to walk than in that sticky and dirty water; however, Cat seems to just walk away without care if I am following him or not.
I turn my back, looking at the shattered statue as the crying voice still lingers in the air before suddenly turning into a loud, bloody screaming from the top of someone’s lung that feels like Lizzie’s screaming noise, especially when she gets mad at me for ignoring her or taking her books and lose it afterwards. But, this noise is not Lizzie’s; Lizzie is not a part of Wonderland. Then, who could make such a noise?
“Losing our focus here, aren’t we?”
The Cat appears in front of me, showing only his big grinning smile with many teeth before his whole body appears, especially his ears as he still has not answered my initial question about this whole place.
“A new rule runs in Wonderland. Queen has declared a war against the Anonymous, trying to rule Wonderland with its power,” the Cat is looking at me with his big mocking smile. “The same as yours, Alice?”
“Now, tell me how to get to the Queen, Cat. I need to settle everything before they ruins Wonderland furthermore.”
The Cat is still smiling with his wide mouth that never stops showing its teeth as if showing off how much teeth he has than others. He walks away as I follow him and getting close to the end of the stream to a waterfall where all the water runs down violently, hitting another pool of water down below.
“Purrrrrfect,” The cat purrs even when he is talking. “Joins Hatter for his mad tea-party is about to start; I’m sure he knows more than a cat does.”
He pushes me off the ground as soon as he is done speaking; forcefully making me one with the waterfall as a way to wake me up from the dreamland into a reality, where insanity exist and cannot be cured. Or maybe, just mine.
I wake up from Wonderland – from being pushed off the ground forcefully by Cheshire the Cat unto a waterfall to wake me up to face reality. Pain are all over my body as I wake up realizing that I have been sleeping inside my room after the nurse brought me back from the white room. I am lying on the bed with a green thin blanket covering my body; I try to move my hands to see if they have been freed from the restraining dress or something the nurse calls it as a straitjacket, a jacket that helps reducing the impact of harming others or even themselves, including me.
My hands are free from jacket but the numbness is still there to bother me in every inch of my movements. Using that jacket of two days without moving around surely makes my muscle aches as they are not used to moving instantly.
I gently open the green blanket, revealing my lower limbs that some are still covered in bandages while the others are free to enjoy a breath of fresh air. Walking may not be easy, not after what happened a few days ago in my self-destructive mode. Scratches, small wounds, and nail marks are almost everywhere on my legs and arms; however, they are not as bad as the burnt injuries I received years ago. Compare to that, this is nothing as this only needs few patches while that one needed a full medical attention with lots of pain killers to endure the pain.
I stand up from the bed slowly as I look at the clock that reminds me of my appointment time with Dr. William in his office. My legs are still not used to walking and supporting my body weight even though I have very little of it, the pain of moving my stiff legs is still a problem to me. Getting used to walking again is the highest priority I have as well as forgetting the memories that makes me sick to my stomach, eating me alive as if I am a feast for the guilt to devour.
There are noises coming from the outside; I can hear the nurses whispering loudly, thinking that no one can hear them talking about the state of my mental condition. Some are bad mouthing me while some are laughing quietly, trying not to wake all the patients up from their slumber time. But, I am awake and fully understand everything they are talking about with one another.
I do nothing about it as I keep trying to walk while leaning against the wall for the support. The memories of that day are sickening and the need for me to forget about it is high. Yet, at the same time, something is not right about my memories as if they are lacking of something I need and have to know about that night. But, what is it? What is that something that is lacking?
The door is now unlocked from the outside by the nurse which indicates that my time with Doctor William is about to start. I quickly sit down on the bed as I do not walk far away from it. The nurse also brings a wheelchair with her; I notice that she is the same nurse from before, the kind nurse who is not badmouthing about their patients’ condition.
“How are you feeling, Alice?” She asks while undoing the bandages around my face and head.
“Better without bandages.”
She smiles and covers some places with small bandages before finally leaving the room to go where Doctor William is.
We arrive in front of his office; the nurse knocks on the door, asking for a permission to enter the office. A small noise comes from within, giving us a permission to come inside for the appointment and check-ups. Doctor William is there, leaning on his office table while watching me moving from the door right to the sofa where all his patients lays comfortably for the next one to two hours for one session of our checkups and appointment.
The nurse lifts me up and lays me on the sofa as the doctor is now standing still in front of his table, gathering all the papers that I assume is about my development levels. Both of us stay quiet; he is reading some of the papers in his hand while I am observing his office space, looking for something that I remember from Wonderland. That particular key. I have seen it before in here – in his office. But why would he have the key? Why does that key bother me so much? That crying and screaming noises too, I heard it before. But where? Where did I hear it before?
Why I can’t remember it at all! My mind is screaming, yet my mouth is shut tight. I need to focus on something else. Focus on something! Anything! I need to distract myself from all these noisy thoughts inside of my head.
“Remembering something, Alice?”
I look at him as he is smiling at me. I hate the way he smiles but I recognize that smile too. I have seen it before, somewhere. But, I do not know where.
Why is everything triggering me?
I want to scream, scream as loud as I can and get all these feelings out before it consumes all of me! But, I cannot scream. My body does not allow me to do that.
“Are you alright, Alice?” He is leaning closer to me, trying to touch me with his filthy hand.
“Keep your hands from me, doctor. Can we just start the session?” I stop his hand from touching me while looking at him suspiciously; I hate being touched by someone I have never met before and let along him, someone whom I have known and still do not like.
I can see something dangling from within in his white shirt, a long necklace with a heavy pendant hanging on his chest. The necklace is similar like the one I have seen on the statue in Wonderland. Although it is hard for me to see through his shirt, some of the features really stand out as it is very similar to that key. But, why would he have the same key as the one in Wonderland?
“Alice…” the doctor calls my name. “Focus, Alice. Get your attention together,”
I stare at him, trying to gather my attention as I want to finish this session as soon as possible to go to Wonderland. There are too many questions about my memories, my reality, and even Wonderland itself. I have to know what is happening to me!
“Tell me, Alice. What happened to you that day?” He asks, probably referring to a few days ago when I was suddenly becoming a threat even to myself.
“My Wonderland is shattered, doctor. A war erupted in my head, everything is drowning in dark bloody tea, and rabbit is dead,” horror begins to fill me again with its nasty thoughts. “I don’t want to go there anymore, doctor! But every day, I always find myself in there. All burning in darkness; my beautiful Wonderland is gone!”
There was a war – there is a war – inside my head even the Cat told me too. But, who is that person? Why that person wants to rule and strip me from my Wonderland?
Doctor William is slightly disturbed with the description of what was happening inside my mind at that time. His arms are crossed, looking at me and waiting for another word to come from my mouth as if I am not done describing my mind to him. He is humming, agreeing to everything I said as he looks back again at the paper in his hand. I do not know what he is thinking; I cannot tell from his expression. Something keeps telling me that I cannot believe him, that he is dangerous to me. Why? Why is he dangerous to me?
“Memory is often a curse than a gift, Alice. It will take a long process to take over your memories of that night,” The same words come from him since the very beginning of our sessions. Yet, nothing has changed; Wonderland is even more in danger than safe!
“Focus on something else, Alice. Focus on the Otherland.”
“No, doctor! I would rather not. There is no Otherland for me; my Wonderland is mine.”
I sit on the chair as my legs are touching the ground carpet. My head is spinning, hurting than before I came for today’s session, I cannot endure anymore sessions with him. He is not helping me at all, just making me feel worse than ever.
My one hour session is done with him as the same nurse comes back again to bring me back to my room. William’s office makes me sick as it has the same scent of my home as if all my family’s belongings had been transported to his office right before the accident. My father and he share the same taste almost in everything, and it makes me sick to my stomach. Why would he do that? For all I know, he is only my father’s former student who often visited us for an afternoon tea, but why does everything look very familiar to my Wonderland?
Who is he?
I am falling again as I remember coming back from William’s office with a severe headache to the point of the nurse giving me a pain killer and let me off from whatsoever event that was happening in the park on that day. I am relieved to escape from that office since I have a lot questions inside my head to ask Cheshire and Mad Hatter, possibly the Red Queen for more detailed answer about this new stranger in Wonderland.
The fall does not last long like before as I land rather quickly on a ceramic floor with the ginormous mushroom as the landing marks to avoid hurting myself (though still in Wonderland, I cannot be hurt by anything around the environments). The surrounding has changed again, and I know that I am no longer in Pool of Tears as the environments are totally different from the previous one that keeps alternating between the lively one and burning forest.
The grounds consist of black and white ceramics alternating between the two colors as if I am on a chess board, playing games with someone. Then in front of my eyes, there is a big grey castle filled with gears in different sizes as a decoration of the exterior look. The castle is also filled with dark grey clouds and dark red lightning which adds more eerie looks to the castle than a lively one.
Who could have lived in such a place? My mind wonders as I have never been to such a place before, and I am sure Hatter does not live in such a place to have his mad tea-party. As he always prefers to have a beautiful daylight for a tea party rather than a cloudy and spooky one like this.
Cheshire appears in front of me again, welcoming me with the same big, grinning smile on his face. He purrs again, probably finding joy in welcoming me to another part of Wonderland as I look closely at him, making sure that he is still the same Cat I have seen before since he reminds me of Dinah who also loves to purr every time I bring her something to eat.
“Keep your imagination away, Alice. I am not the same as your house cat,” Cheshire reads my mind like an open book but I am pretty sure I am not as easy to read, especially about my own imagination or thoughts.
“Are we starting the mocking game again, Cat?”
Another purr comes from him again as I watch the constant red lightning contrasting its light and color with the dark grey clouds, making a dark orange and red color in the sky. I am still wondering who lives in such a dark place and slightly noisy from the constant lightning in the sky.
“Meet Hatter inside, his tea party is about to start. He’ll provide you with answers to all your questions,” the Cat slowly disappearing right before my eyes with his quick welcoming and good bye.
I walk inside the big castle, trying to find my own way to the tea party without any directions or signs to direct me with. The interior design of the castle is very interesting as the ceramic does not only cover the ground but also some of the walls. Some gears are flying in the sky without the law of gravity weighing them down, but I can still walk on the ground like normal without any problem of defying gravity. Although it would be fun to be flying around like those gears, it will surely be a problem for me since it will take much time for me to move around.
I enter another room to another as I keep finding myself getting even more lost in this big castle without any directions to go to. The feeling frustrates me as I want to get to where I belong as quickly as possible, especially with many uncertainties about my memories right now. Another room opens after the other until I finally find where Hatter is. But to my horror, Hatter looks…deformed and mutilated. His arms and legs are missing along with his hat, the symbol of his existence, the only remaining things he has in front of me are his torso and head.
“What happened to you, Hatter?” I run to him, quickly putting his head to where it belongs to.
“The war has taken everything from me, Alice, even my afternoon tea party,” Hatter explains with no details of what really is happening to him or Wonderland, only prioritizing his afternoon tea party.
“Tell me, Hatter. Tell me about this war; what really is happening in here?” I ask for no one has ever told me about this ever in details.
The old and wrinkling Hatter struggles to find a comfortable spot for him to explain everything to me. Only using his head to move around must be very hard as his neck must be in pain right now too.
“The Queen, Alice,” he catches his breath as if he had run a mile with no breaks. “The Anonymous wants to take control of Wonderland from YOU, and the Queen is fighting against him because she wants to control Wonderland.”
“Who is this Anonymous, Hatter? Tell me, please, in detail.” I beg as I slowly find all pieces of Hatter’s body and immediately fix his body to normal.
Hatter looks at me, staring at me with his giant eyes as he is much bigger than me, probably twice or thrice as big as I am. He is still missing his signature hat but I can tell that he does not care about his hat as much as he cares about Wonderland or his six o’clock tea party. Hatter’s expression is different, very different from his normal and silly looks. He is sad or rather, disappointed for not being able to answer my question? Hatter normally never looks that sad, especially from not being able to answer any of my questions. Something is wrong in here. Has the Anonymous slowly reign over in here?
“Find the Queen, Alice. She will tell you everything--,” Hatter takes another breath before he can continue his talk. “--although she will be furious since you allow the Anonymous to overpower Wonderland than her.”
“Use this key, Alice. You must remember this key; this key is very important to you,” Hatter explains again as he hands another key that looks very similar to the necklace key William and the statues have. It even has the same pattern as if they are made together before being separated.
“Do not forget, Alice. Do not forget that night,” Hatter suddenly stands up and lifts me off unto his shoulder before both of us jumps off from the castle to somewhere.
“Only YOU can save Wonderland.”
I wake once up again in my room and on my bed. It is past midnight now, assuming at how dark the window to the outside is and at how silent the hallway outside of my room is.
I have another dream about Wonderland and my past; there are frictions in my memories as I clearly remember that I can escape from the house without a key to the front door… I know Ma would have always locked all doors and windows before going to sleep; Ma even made sure that everything was locked before I went to bed. I clearly remember that I also checked all the doors and windows before going to bed too, then why was the door not locked when I escaped from the fire? Why was it unlocked and where is the key to that door? Why was Lizzie’s room locked? She never locked her room! Where was the key to her room?
All these questions come back running to me like a stream of water that needs to be released even the questions about Wonderland are all coming back to me in reality. I get up from the bed and head towards the small table near the closed glass window to write something about my dream and everything. Ever since the burning wounds are almost healed, I can practice walking better than before as the stinging pain no longer bothers me though they are still there. In order to practice, I can only do it mostly around midnight where no one is looking at me though I am sure there is a surveillance camera somewhere in this room.
I reach the table after all the detours I have taken for walking practices; the moment I sit down on the chair and reorganize all the papers on the table, something attracts my eyes as there is a drawing about that key – the same key Hatter told me when I found him. The drawing is very detailed: did I draw this?
I begin drawing everything inside of my head again, pouring them into a drawing that almost matches the imagination that I have about them. I begin drawing Mad Hatter, the after and before all his legs and arms were found, the crying statue with its eerie crying noises, the Cat, and the unlocked front door during fire.
The key still bothers me; I must find the Queen to find the truth as she protects Wonderland from being taken by this person. But, why does she help me, protecting Wonderland when she wanted to rule it before being defeated by me?
I place the drawing pencil on the table after I am done drawing Mad Hatter and the crying statue. I need to go back to Wonderland is the only thing I can think of as there are too many questions inside my head and I need answer to all of them – yes, all of them.
I find myself in different environments again. No burning forest or a dark grey castle floating in madness, instead I am already inside a castle which, I suppose, is the Queen’s castle because of all the redness and heart shape patterns everywhere. I begin wondering inside the castle as the Cat never showed up to tell me anything about the current Queen or where she is located in this castle.
The castle is full of red and black, almost everything within my sight full of dark red wallpaper with black colored hearts on it. There are flags inside the castle with red hearts on them. The further I begin walking the more I notice at the uneven ground and some of them even have cracks on it like they are trying to make me decide which ground is safer to step on or not. The castle looks more run down the further I go in; the place looks like it has been destroyed and abandoned by the owner after something terrible happened to it. This gets me thinking: Why would the Queen stay in this place?
Further and further, I open almost all doors in this castle until I finally see a lonely chair that stays right in the middle of the room the moment I opens the final door. The room itself is dark but there is a dim light shining on the big lonely chair, trying to get anyone’s attention that comes inside the room.
There is someone sitting on that big chair; a lady with a crown, long dress in red and black, with a short hair that is very similar to the crying statue during my first stop in Wonderland. Who is the new Queen in Wonderland? I begin asking myself again as no one never tells me anything about her not her ways to rule Wonderland.
“Coming to receive your punishment, Alice?” A strong voice comes out from her but I still cannot see her face at all.
I step forward, coming closer and closer to where is she sitting down while hoping to get a good look at who she really is and wonders if I recognize her before or not.
“Or, are you coming back here hoping that you can find home?” The voice gets louder and angrier than before. Her voice is similar to Lizzie, my dear sister, when she is mad.
I look up at her as her face is still not bright enough for me to see anything about her.
“Pardon me, but who are you?” I ask and for a moment, I can see her trembling.
“Who am I?” she replies me with a laughter coming after her talks.
“WHO THE BLOODY HELL AM I?”
I try my best not to flinch from the loud and angry voice as she leans forward to see me closely… I can see her face. She is my sister… She is Lizzie, Elizabeth Liddell, my older sister who died in the fire that night along with my parents. She is alive?
Why is Lizzie here? Why is she a part of Wonderland! My mind is screaming louder than before. My head is spinning, turning, breaking! It hurts!
“I am YOUR dear dead sister, Alice. Don’t you remember?” Her smile is similar to Cheshire, a big grinning smile, but more evil and mad.
“You refuse to subdue to my power but you LET HIM overpowers you. Who are you kidding me with, Alice!”
I can feel her anger directed towards me and still WHO IS HIM? WHO IS THIS PERSON SHE IS TALKING ABOUT?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lizzie! Tell me, tell me who that person is?” I ask, I beg of her to tell me the truth. Who is that person and why is she so angry at me? And why is everything my fault?
She lets out a giggle, a mocking giggles as if she is in a state of disbelieve towards everything that I say and ask her. She laughs again and again until she runs out of breath and collects all her calmness and seriousness again. Why is she laughing?
“Are you blind, Alice? Have you lost all your memories? Has he taken all your memories including Wonderland?” She madly asks me again with all these questions.
“No! No, my memories are still intact! I can still remember you…that you were dead with Pa and Ma. The fire…the fire consumed you all!” I scream to her, yell to her in distress.
I NEED TO KNOW WHO IS ANONYMOUS!
“Oh… Poor Alice, so your memories have really been stripped out from you,” she mocks but I demand the truth and I know the answer is NO.
“I WAS CRYING, ALICE. THAT NIGHT, YOU IGNORED ME BECAUSE OF COWARDICE. YOU LET HIM RAPED ME, USED ME, AND YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE THE FACT I WAS CRYING FOR HELP.”
“No. That’s not right! I…” I try to reason as all the memories come back flooding in me, drowning me in its sea with my stubbornness.
I remember everything about that night. After I finish reading in the library with Dinah, I turn the lamp off and make sure everything is locked according to what Ma says to me. I bring Dinah upstairs to sleep with me; my room is beside Lizzie’s room and whatever I do or she does, we can hear each other voices as our room is very close, too close. Pa says he will buy a new and bigger house for me and Lizzie but I say that I do not want to part from Lizzie as I want to hear her voice whenever she reads her book in her room. Lizzie’s voice always lulls me to sleep and I like her voice.
But that night, Lizzie is talking in her sleep. I can hear her voice talking and sometimes screaming like she is having a bad dream but I do not dare to come to her room. I am afraid of darkness and our house is very dark, it feels like something is haunting the house every time I want to get out from bed in the dark. Suddenly, Lizzie’s voice changes and disappears within time. Someone comes out from her room with a small lamp, just enough to light its walks on the hallways. I do not know the person and cannot see them as everything is pitch black from the upper body but he has a similar appearance to him – to Doctor William.
He locks Lizzie’s door and looks at me through his glasses with a smile that I hate. I hate the way he smiles and looks at me, so disgusting and filthy! I cannot do anything as I stare at him while trembling in fear as he slowly close the door to my room and disappear without a trace.
Then everything starts to burn… The house, the stairs, and the books, everything…Everything is burning! I hold my rabbit doll close to me, looking for something to protect me from anything lurking at night. Pa and Ma are screaming and opening the door to my room forcefully while yelling at me to get out from the house at once. I do as Pa says while Ma is still yelling, trying to wake Lizzie up, and Pa is kicking the door to Lizzie’s room to open the locked door.
I manage to escape from the house, fall into both fire and snow as I witness my family screaming and turning into ashes. My family is gone…My family burn into ashes because of him – Doctor William.
“Lizzie, I… I’m sorry,” I break down in front of her, lying on my knees as I cry from the memories that flooded me.
Lizzie looks content with me remembering all the memories I have lost. She smiles at me, looking down at me with her sharp eyes, piercing right at me like I am the long lost fugitive that returns to where I belong to.
“Tell me, Lizzie. What should I do now?” I beg her more than before because I really want to fix Wonderland again. I want my beautiful Wonderland to return even if it is just a little bit.
“Kill him, Alice. Eliminate him,” she says coldly. “You have the power to do so and I will win the war in here, in Wonderland.”
How can I kill him? I am bound in a wheelchair and walking is still impossible for me to do.
“Is that what you want, Lizzie? Will it make you satisfy?”
I can tell from her looks. A clear sign that she is satisfied with what she asks me to do, and she will ask me to do it again and again if I ever fail this time. Her eyebrows creased as something hit the castle from outside. She is annoyed by the sound and the crumbling noise of the rooftop. I know it is time for me to go from here…
“Now, go. Don’t you dare look at me until you fulfill my request,” her eyes staring at me intensely. “I can tell whether you kill him or not.”
With her last word, she stomps her feet to ground and breaking the floor around me as I fall again into darkness with full truth of my past, my lost memories.
It is morning again in my room as I wake up from my long night of sleep and dream. I still remember Lizzie’s words and demands. I know everything now; everything is very clear to me as I finally remember my whole memories even something that he makes me forget. I get up from my bed to see the clock as I know I have another morning appointment with him today, and today is his slow day. If I can lure him to go out with me to the see the seaside from the cliff, then maybe, just maybe, I can use that chance to kill him. Pushing him off the cliff as he falls onto the rocky ground with no helps coming from anyone, that would be a fun experience for me and especially for him.
For murdering my family and me, this is just a little pay back for what he has done to us all.
The nurse comes knocking on my door, unlocking the door as she greets me with a smile and small talks to start my wonderful day. I smile back at her as I know that it is rare for me to smile to anyone and no one would think I am as sick as before if I start being what they called as “normal”.
She prepares me for my appointments; she changes my dress to something new and fresh, after that she pushes the wheelchair closer to me and placed me there as we are all ready to go to his office. Although the whole time we are quiet, I start talking a little bit with her and asking if I can go out with doctor William to see the sea instead of being the office the whole time. She replies me with yes, saying that she would ask the doctor for that; she is excited knowing that I am never a type of person who wants to go out from her room unless I really want to, and this is the first time I ask to go out from my room voluntarily.
The walks to William’s office is short and fast; by no time, we are already there and she quickly ask on my behalf about having our appointment outside instead of in his office. He looks at me for a while as I can see clearly the key that dangles on his necklace, Lizzie’s key. I smile to him, a fake and short smile as I know it is hard for me to be genuine with a murder that not only murder my family but also manipulates me.
He nods with a smile on his face, maybe thinking that his works is finally working on me as I am now changing to something else. It feels great to finally know the truth and have a plan that I can follow; of course, the plan is to make his fall looks like an accident as the mist usually makes the ground a little more slippery than usual. Furthermore, I know how he likes to be in front of me, standing as if he is in control of everything and can do whatever he wants with us, with me.
My wheelchair is turned around, facing the entrance door as we are getting ready to go out in the morning where there are not a lot of people outside too. I can see something framed in glass and standing on his bookshelf. It is a key, the same key Hatter gives to me when I was in his castle, and there is something written under the frame that I can hardly see from where I am now.
“An achievement of ….. The key to…. Proudest…..of Dr. William.” I cannot see them clearly but I am sure, very sure that is the key to our home.
Sick, bastard! I curse inside my mind as I try to keep myself calm and collected to avoid any unnecessary attention to me. Oh, did I also mention that I want to be left alone with William? That would be nice if the nurse does not have to witness any unnecessary death since I am sure, she has seen many more than she would want to.
The moment we are outside, I thank the nurse for helping me as he tells her to leave us alone. We chat and talk to each other a lot. I even ask him to let me see the necklace he has inside his shirt since he put it inside as soon as I looked at it when we were in the office. He takes it out from his neck and hands it to me as we talk more and more about my memories and his bond to my father. At how he feels responsible to look after me, after the death of my family.
My mind chuckles at his words as I whisper and curse slowly at him, “Bullshitting me, doctor?”
He turns to me from the bright morning sun as I am getting closer to him, edging him towards the end of the cliff. I look at him intensely as I keep pushing my wheelchair with both of my hands closer and closer to him.
“You killed my family and manipulate me into forgetting it. Your feeling of responsibility has nothing to do with your big and intense desire to rape Lizzie, isn’t it doctor?” I ask again and not expecting any reply from him as the only desire I have now is to kill him. Kill him and ends the madness inside me!
He smiles while standing still in front of me without any movements. He suddenly burst into laughter as I keep getting closer to him until I am right in front of him, ready to kick him off the cliff into an instant death that will probably be called as suicide of accident of slippery cliff.
“Yes, Alice. But what are you going to do? Turning me to a police and blabbering all these nonsenses against a high standing society person like me?” He stops laughing as I look at him with such an intense hatred.
“You can do nothing against me, Alice,” I look at him and smile as he is staring at my face now.
I kick his genital and push him off the ground as fast as I can with both legs before he can protest and fight back against me. I can hear screaming noises coming from the fallen person as all the nurses suddenly runs out from the asylum to witness the death of Doctor William, the murder, and above all, the rapist.
I can hear a quick footsteps coming from behind me and yelling at me, asking what me what had happened but all I can do is cry. I can only cry and tell her that I do not know anything. I tell her everything, everything about William telling me that he wanted to die, that he wanted to jump off the cliff because he cannot deal with his life anymore. I am trembling in fear, hanging to the hold to the nurse’s hand with my dear life as if I was the one falling down there.
“I don’t know what to do. He was yelling at me! Telling me not to stop him and I can’t stop him,” I pull out my excellent acting skill after being in this hospital for years and years. “It was too late when I approached him. He already jumped off.”
I stare at her, tears covering my eyes as I speak all the truth I know.
“He… He gave me this. I don’t know why. He…” I am petrified as tears keep rolling down my eyes while the nurse keep holding my hands tightly, trying to snap me out of my mind to focus on her.
“Alice, look at me. Look at me,” I look at her, nodding my head a little bit as a sign that I am listening to her words.
“I’m going to bring you inside, okay? I won’t leave you alone, I promise,” She speaks slowly, making sure that I really understand what she is saying as she keeps holding my hands tight and asks another nurse to push the wheelchair inside.
I keep crying, crying of joy and happiness for killing the person who has taken everything away from me. I chuckle a little bit which I quickly covers with coughing as I have been crying too hard because of happiness. The nurse stops in the hallway, wiping my tears away with herhandkerchief and calming me down as we slowly return to my room.
The same nurse stays with me for the whole time as she begin talking about general things with me, and probably trying not to make me upset about everything that has just happened. I stay calm and relax before finally letting myself fall into a deep sleep, coming back to where it all begins… And at least, Wonderland is now safe.
At least for now… My memory is safe.