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The silence in the ambulance on the way back to the station makes TK uncomfortable, yet he knows there is nothing to say to make it better. The last call had been the kind of call he hopes to never deal with ever again, the kind of call he knows are the ones that stick with first responders for years afterwards. The upturned bus, filled with family coming from a wedding, flashes in his mind and he shakes his head to remove it, knowing he can’t even begin to process it yet.
He’ll never get used to the feeling. Knowing that no matter how well trained they are that people can die right in front of them, here in one moment, gone the next. He knows he won’t sleep, that he’ll spend the evening thinking of their families, thinking of the moment where they’ll be told what happened. That despite best efforts, their loved ones were gone.
He clenches his fist against the sudden onslaught of emotion, his tongue pushing the top of his mouth in desperation to keep the tears at bay. He looks across at Nancy and sees her hands gripping the steering wheel and diverts his eyes away.
The fire station comes into view, and he can see the fire crew hanging around near the truck. When they eventually pull in upon exiting the rig, they are enveloped into a group huddle, every one offering each other quiet, steady support. Without talking, they all seem to decide to move upstairs together and with a hushed conversation, they all sit together, a silent offering of support. They’re all in the same spot when his dad and Tommy come into the room.
“I’m calling the shift, the next shift is coming in early and we’ll see about tomorrow…” his dad begins, a talk they are all unfortunately familiar with.
“How many?” he hears Nancy ask from across the room. He sees Tommy and his dad look at each other and TK knows the news isn’t good.
“7” Tommy eventually says, voice quiet and TK feels his breath catch at the knowledge.
“The kid?” TK asks, and Tommy looks over at him and he doesn’t need her to say anything to know that their patient was one of the 7. He clenches his hands into his lap and tries to keep the image of the little boy out of his head. He’d been awake and talking when they’d arrived but had gone downhill so fast that they were struggling to keep him alive the entire ride to the hospital.
“If anybody doesn’t feel okay, you come and tell us. Or you talk to someone else here. We are always going to be available” TK’s mind wanders as he looks around at the group of people that he would call his family without blinking and he can’t imagine the idea of losing one of them, let alone 7. How would you ever come back from that?
He realises he’s tuned out and missed anything else that is said when a few people stand and start to make their way to the locker room. He catches the eye of his dad and when he motions for him to follow him, he rises from the couch and they silently make their way to his office.
“Do you need me to take you to a meeting?” is the first thing his dad asks and he feels the familiar twinge of guilt mixed with anger that always seems to rise whenever he’s asked the question. He knows it’s a question that has to be asked, and his dad means nothing by it but it burns like he isn’t trusted.
“Not right now” TK replies, knowing that he’ll need to go eventually when the events of the day aren’t so raw but also aware that he has other ways to deal with grief and pain now. Other people that he can surround himself with that will have his back and keep him from making a mistake he’ll regret.
“Are you sure?” his dad asks “That was... that was a lot”
“Dad. I just want to go home” he says and his dad studies him for a moment before nodding once, seemingly convinced in his replies.
“Are you going to be okay?” TK asks
“Yeah, kid. Don’t worry about me”
“Dad” Tk starts and waits for Owen to look up at him “did you want to come over? Carlos won’t mind”
“No, TK. I’m good. Really. I should go make sure Mateo is all right. Did you need a lift home?” TK debates arguing with him, wonders if should invite Mateo over, but can’t help wanting to be a bit selfish and go home to his boyfriend and revel in the knowledge that he could let his emotions blow over and he’d still be okay. He is about to answer his dad’s question when his phone sounds in his pocket and he slides it out to read the message.
Carlos 10.45pm
‘I heard about the call. I’m coming to get you after your shift. Text me when you’re done. X’
He types a quick reply back, letting him know that he was finished and he’d be waiting outside and then looks back up to his dad as he pockets his phone again.
“Carlos is coming, I better get changed” he replies and his dad smiles at him and moves over to hug him tightly against him.
“You need anything, you let me know okay?” TK hugs him back and whispers an I will into his father’s neck.
“Talk to you tomorrow” he promises and then makes his way to the locker room to change. He passes people that he recognises from B shift but can only nod at the sympathetic looks that are sent his way as he moves through the station. He changes quickly, swears under his breath when he realises, he’s left his hoodie at home, but writes it off as just another part of the bad day and wraps his arms around himself as he exits the locker room. The lower floor is empty as he walks out into the night and when he turns to look for the familiar sight of his boyfriend’s car, he instead finds the man himself walking towards him.
“Hey you” Carlos greets him warmly and TK feels the little scrap of control he’d been holding onto disappear, suddenly he can’t hold back as he closes the gap between them and steps into the waiting arms that are quick to surround him. A sob escapes before he can hold it back and he grabs the front of his boyfriend’s shirt as he lets himself give in to the grief.
“It was so horrible,” he says when he can make his voice work again and Carlos squeezes him tighter and presses a kiss to the side of his head.
“I know” Carlos whispers and TK hides in his arms and closes his eyes, his face pressed into his shoulder. He thinks of the people that are going to be without the people they love tonight because of a split-second mistake, their lives forever changed and tries to push away the thought of Carlos ever not being here, with him. He pulls back slightly, allowing himself to be able to meet the eye of his boyfriend and ignores the tears that are still coming down his face.
“I don’t know if I say it enough, but I really love you” TK whimpers and Carlos brings one hand up to cup his cheek
“I really love you too. I always know without you saying it, okay?” Carlos says and TK nods in reply before leaning back into his embrace again.
“Home?” TK asks simply and Carlos just hums in reply before stepping back and slinging one arm around his shoulders and leading TK towards his car.
“Home” Carlos confirms.