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TK shuts the door gently behind him and freezes near the door, cradling his arm to his chest. He hadn’t expected Carlos to be home, let alone in the kitchen cooking like every night.
“Hey” Carlos turns to look at him for a second before he turns back to continue cooking without replying. TK sighs and feels like he is a dog with his tail between his legs as he makes his way over to the kitchen and sits on a stool. He watches as Carlos continues to ignore him, moving from one side of the kitchen to the other as he continues cooking. He tries to think of something to say that will decrease the tension in the air when Carlos finally speaks.
“Your arm okay?”
“Yeah. It’s fine. Just a few stitches” Carlos looks up at him and shakes his head before turning away from him again “I thought you’d come to the hospital” he adds, trying not to let it sound like he’s disappointed. He'd spent the two hours waiting to be seen, the cut down the length of his arm not considered urgent enough for immediate treatment. He’d expected Carlos to show up and even though Nancy stayed with him the entire time, it was hard to shake off the feeling that he had been abandoned.
“I had to explain to my boss how a paramedic got injured on the scene I was meant to be in control of” Carlos snaps and TK cringes at the anger in his tone. He’d stupidly thought that the time since the afternoon’s incident would have cooled his husband’s anger down from raging to simmering, but it seemed he was wrong.
“I’m sorry” he mumbles
“What are you sorry for, TK? Being reckless with your safety? Ignoring direction by police when we told you to stay back? Making me watch as someone attacked you with a knife? Or are you just saying sorry because you think that’s what I want to hear?” TK stares at him as his voice gets louder and louder. He’s seen Carlos angry, usually while working, but it’s still such a stark difference from his usual persona that it always makes him falter.
“I don’t know” Tk eventually settles with after a silence settles between them for a few awkward moments.
“Well, that’s just great,” Carlos says under his breath before he turns back to the stove, turning off the burner.
“I just wanted the girl to get out. To be safe” TK whispers and Carlos starts dishing out the pasta into a bowl before half throwing the pan into the sink, water splashing over the lip and onto the floor.
“Because I didn’t want that? I was just fine with her being in the same room as someone known to be dangerous with a knife?”
“I didn’t say that” TK argues back
“Well, it certainly seemed like it when you decided to ignore us and run in there”
“You can’t tell me that you didn’t want to jump in there” Carlos makes a frustrated noise in answer roughly cleaning the dishes in the sink.
“It’s not about what I want or what you want! What if he had realised what you were doing a few moments earlier? What would you have done then?”
“He didn’t. I got her out and he barely touched me before you were there stopping him. I’m fine” TK promises, slowly guiding his sleeve over the bandage on his arm, suddenly believing in the old phrase of ‘Out of sight, out of mind’
“I heard her screaming and then all I saw was him coming towards you with a knife. I barely got there in time” Carlos breathes, voice breaking at the last words. TK takes a risk and slips off the stool before walking around the island bench and moving next to his husband, close enough without touching him in case it’s not welcome.
“Everyone is okay, can’t we just forget about it?” TK reaches out and puts his hand onto Carlos’s wrist, wanting to believe that Carlos will turn to him and say everything is okay. Carlos looks down and shrugs his hand off before taking a step away from him. TK pulls his hand back and tries not to take the rejection too deeply.
“You don’t even think you did anything wrong, do you?” Carlos questions and there’s a split moment where TK considers lying but doesn’t want to add to his apparent list of missteps for the day.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I did my job. That’s what I do, what we do”
Carlos gives him a sad smile before nodding and reaching around him to get the few pieces of cutlery out on the island and placing them in the dishwasher, pushing the door closed with too much force that TK hears the dishes rattle inside.
“I’m glad you’re fine, but I am so angry at you and I don’t want to touch you when I’m like that. Eat the pasta. I need some space” TK stares at the plate he has pushed in front of him, and TK realises that Carlos has made his favourite pasta, one that he never eats himself and TK swallows against the emotion rising in his throat. The idea that Carlos had been fuming at him had still come home and decided to feed him, his love for him surpassing his anger.
“Wait, Carlos, come on,” TK says and reaches for his hand as he passes by, gripping onto it tight when Carlos tries to pull it free “Please don’t leave”
“I’m not leaving” Carlos seethes “I don’t do that” TK flinches at the reminder, dropping Carlos’s hand immediately, a stab of hurt hitting his chest.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that” Carlos runs one hand down his face in obvious frustration “I just need to be alone for a bit okay?”
“Okay” TK whispers back and lets him go.
----------------------------------------------------
He stays out of their bedroom, and waits for Carlos to come out, not even bothering with the TV when he realises all the shows he wants to watch, he watches with Carlos. It’s nearly 11 when he gets the nerve to look around into their bedroom, surprised when the room is bathed in darkness when he’d expected Carlos to still be awake. He spots him, fast asleep on his side of the bed, facing the window, and TK sighs at the thought that even his subconscious is angry at him. He sighs and backtracks to the lounge, lying down on the couch expecting a long night of staring at the ceiling.
Somehow, he falls asleep and wakes to a pain low in his back. The room is still only at half-light, a sure sign that it was still dark outside – too early. He tries to stretch out, knowing that he’s going to have to deal with being stiff all day. He rolls onto his opposite side and jumps when he sees Carlos sitting in the chair across the room. The streetlights seeping in from the window give him enough light to realise there is a shine to his husband’s cheeks.
“Carlos?” he asks, coughing to clear his throat when his voice barely comes out.
“I dreamt that I was too late. You died in front of me while I could only watch” He sounds devastated, and TK only then understands that the nightmare has probably been a repeat of what has been running through his mind all day. TK pushes himself into a sitting position and considers standing to go towards him but remembers the feeling of being denied only hours early so keeps the distance between them.
“I can’t apologise for something I would probably do again,” TK murmurs into the dark.
“Fine. Don’t be sorry for that, TK” Carlos swipes across his face clearing the evidence of any tears “But you must at least recognise that this could have gone very bad. Not just for you, but for that girl too”
“I saw a chance to save her. What if I didn’t take it and something happened to her? I couldn’t deal with that”
“And how am I meant to deal with you dying in front of me? ’m too young to be a widower, TK.” TK freezes, and stares at his husband, so small in front of him and he begins to understand what TK had put him through. He can’t regret saving someone, he’d done it for so long risking his life so many times that the danger of situations hardly seemed to scare him anymore, but he also can’t be responsible for making Carlos worry so much.
“She looked out the window at me. She was begging for help”
“She was getting help!” Carlos yells “We weren’t sitting around doing nothing! If I went in there and it went bad, would that have been my fault? If the guy had hurt her before we had gone in there, would that have been my fault?”
“No. Of course not” TK whispers and then sighs when he realises, he is losing confidence in his side of the argument. Carlos looks at him incredulously, hands out.
“You realise this doesn’t make sense, right?” TK gently nods and swallows down the emotion rising in his throat. He wants to sob with relief when Carlos stands and comes to sit next to him.
“It’s not just you anymore. You’re risking my life too and I’m not going to sit around when you decide to play hero when you shouldn’t be”
“I just wanted to help” TK gets out and Carlos finally wraps his arm around his hips pulling him so he can snuggle against his chest.
“I’m not asking you to change who you are, I love you. There are stupid risks and calculated risks. I know you just want to help people, but this could have gone badly so easily. You were so lucky”
“I know I was. I know” He relents and loops his arm around Carlos’s waist. He tilts his head and waits for Carlos to look down at him. “Are we okay?”
“Yes. We’re okay. I’m sorry for what I said”
“I think I might have deserved it” TK murmurs.
“Are you sure your arm’s good?”
“Yes. It’s fine. Really. I had Nancy follow me around until it was stitched up.”
“I know. I asked her to” TK pulls back from his position against his chest so he can look at Carlos in the eye
“You did what?”
“Just because I couldn’t be there, didn’t mean I would ever leave you alone”
“Here I was thinking she was sticking around for me” TK jokes and Carlos huffs out a laugh.
“She was going with you, I just made sure she stayed. We should go to bed. It’s still early”
“Did I really get you in trouble?” Carlos rolls his eyes and tugs them both up, leading the way to their bedroom.
“A bit. I think he was mostly just happy it was over with minor damage” Carlos stops against the wall of their wardrobe as TK changes in front of him “Well, minor damage for him. You being hurt is never minor for me”
“I promise I’m okay,” TK says as he turns, coming to stand in front of him and Carlos mumbles out a positive sound as he hugs TK against him for a moment. TK gives them both a moment, feeling Carlos take a deep breath and his shoulders relax more solidly against him. Eventually, they separate and Carlos releases him to head to his side of the bed.
“That couch might be better than the old one, but it still does a number on your back” TK groans, stretching to the side and then the other before following him into bed, pulling Carlos until he gets the message to snuggle in right behind him, not a space between them.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forced you out”
“It’s not your fault, Carlos. Stop apologising. You needed some alone time, it was perfectly fine.”
“Okay,” Carlos says against the back of TK’s head.
“Is it too soon to mention how insanely hot it was when you came and saved my life as you did?”
“Yes TK. Yes, it is. Sleep” TK pushes back against Carlos behind him and is rewarded with Carlos tightening his hold around his belly.
“At least I know if I do be a hero I have you to save me” TK mutters and feels rather than hears the hum of agreement Carlos lets out.
“You’ll always have that”