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Tammy was more than surprised to see Steve Harrington wandering around Melvalds. She hadn’t seen him in a good few years since she’d flitted off to Nashville. One thanksgiving she’d returned to Hawkins to find that he’d also left the town behind for the big city. In his case, Indianapolis. She didn’t miss him as such - her high school crush had long since dissipated, and she’d definitely fried bigger fish, but there was something about seeing him now, so unexpectedly, in shorts and a crop top in the summer heat, kicking at the floor with his sneakers confusedly staring at a flower display that made her think that maybe Steve Harrington might just spice up her little visit home, and tick off a fading teenage fantasy.
“Hey”, she said gently so as not to startle him, sidling to him. “Here to catch up with some old friends?”
Steve thought about Joyce and Hopper, and Mrs Henderson, about Dustin who had resolutely insisted on coming back for the week despite Steve’s protests, insisting “You’re essentially my parents Steve, this is a family emergency and I can take time off for family emergencies. You know me, I’m way ahead of those other idiots, missing a week of classes isn’t gonna cause me to fail college”. Steve schooled his expression.
“Yeah, something like that”, he said, smiling weakly. It was then that Tammy remembered something her mother had said about Mrs Harrington.
“Oh”, she faltered, “I expect you’re here to see your mom, I’m really sorry”.
“It’s really no big deal”, Steve said tightly, and then tried to backtrack when he saw Tammy’s shocked face. “I just mean…I’m only here ‘cause she asked…it’s not like…never mind”, he finished eventually, running a hand through his hair.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain. If you needed an old friend though I’m around for the next couple weeks. I’d love to catch up if you have the chance. She had opted to use a less flirtatious tone than she had originally planned, and hoped she was being respectful given the circumstances, but Steve’s shoulders still stiffened slightly as she placed a hand on his arm. At that moment a man wheeled round the corner and into the aisle. She recognised him after a moment or two as Eddie ‘the freak’ Munson. He had tattoos now, and his hair was longer, but it was definitely him, with his rings and his misplaced bravado in black ripped jean shorts and a t-shirt of a band she’d never head of with the sleeves cut off. His blazing smile dropped slightly as it settled on them. “Everything okay baby?” Tammy looked around for a moment. They were alone in the aisle, save for an old woman who was also looking at the flowers. She didn’t know who Eddie was talking to until Steve sighed audibly. She removed her hand and backed away for a second. This was not going as expected, and she was beginning to think that maybe she was
intruding on something, although she wasn’t sure what. Eddie moved towards them, dropped the six pack and the magazine he was holding by his feet and stood behind Steve, placing his arms around his waist and resting his head on his shoulder. “Talk to me sweetheart”.
“I’m just so fucking sick of buying shit for people that are dying”, Steve said angrily. Eddie saw the old woman look at them, and appraise them for a moment before taking a step away. “And like, people like us are dying in their hundreds, no, screw that, their thousands, and no-one gives a shit but as soon as the great Joselyn Harrington gets stage four cancer the whole town knows and is walking on eggshells”, he ranted, gesturing vaguely at Tammy. Eddie kissed Steve’s neck then. They would never have friends like the friends they had in Hawkins, thanks to what Murray insisted on calling ‘shared trauma’, but they had a good little community of friends around them in Indianapolis, who they could be themselves around, who understood them. A community that was getting smaller by the day. Steve was by nature a protector. And Eddie knew how much it killed him to see their friends dying and know that he was completely helpless. There was no tangible attacker to swing a baseball bat at this time, except maybe…
“Yeah, I’d like to punch Anita Bryant too”, Eddie mumbled into Steve’s neck, making him laugh.
“Oh”, Tammy’s voice broke the moment. It was like glass shattering.
“Steve, I didn’t realise that you were, um, well…” She faltered. She knew people that were gay of course. It was surprisingly common in the music industry she’d found, even in Nashville, but she didn’t exactly associate with them. Professionally of course she might, but not personally. And yet here was Steve, and she was beginning to wonder if any of the stories she’d heard, that had helped make her fall for him all those years ago, were true.
“Yeah, I know right?” Eddie said, interrupting her thoughts by engaging her in conversion. “What a waste huh?” He bit playfully at Steve’s earlobe, who swatted him away with a smile on his face. “I’m sorry”, Tammy stuttered out, “I’ll leave, I’ll…” As she began to walk purposefully down an aisle she didn’t think she needed Steve called out to her. “Tammy, thanks”. She just nodded awkwardly and turned around, walking away in silence. Eddie hugged Steve tighter. He knew that this was one of the reasons he hadn’t wanted to come back to Hawkins.
“I know I make fun of her, but she was actually being pretty sweet before”.
“I hate to say it baby, but she was probably just trying to get in your pants”, he joked.
“Yeah”, Steve mumbled. That may well have been a part of it, but he’d resigned himself to the fact long ago that he couldn’t hang around with most of the people that knew him before. Not the Tommy’s or the Carol’s, he didn’t miss them, but just regular, usually kind people.
Despite having been ‘King’ of Hawkins High, nowadays Steve often felt like he didn’t fit in anywhere. Not straight enough, not gay enough. Their own circle of friends aside, he was no stranger to conversations with people like Tammy growing cold, when they realised he wasn’t who they thought he was. Who they assumed he was, or who he used to be. Even in Indianapolis he found people who kept an emotional distance when they found out where he lived, or the name of his partner, despite initially getting on just fine. When they thought he was straight, Steve supposed. He even found himself censoring himself when they went to a bar, lying about his sexuality, his past relationships, female celebrity crushes because he couldn’t take another comment about being a tourist, about using Eddie like a plaything he’d get bored of before he grew up enough to want to get married to some girl and settle down. How he didn’t understand the plight of the community even though to every day people, when he was walking around with Eddie, he was living the life of a gay man. And being treated as such. Eddie would just wrap his arms around Steve like he was doing now, and let Steve know that he did in fact belong somewhere. He belonged with Eddie. And usually, that was enough.
“How about those?” he asked, to change the subject. Steve examined the label. Dahlias.
“I think she might actually be allergic to those”.
“Awesome, they’ll kill the bitch off faster”. And then Steve began to laugh, and God after nearly 10 years it was still the best sound Eddie had ever heard. He knew how much it meant that even in moments like this, he could still make Steve laugh. He picked out something pink that Eddie thought looked suitably country club enough to not get thrown to the floor in horror before walking out of the store.
Sitting in the hospital waiting room was agony. And not just because Eddie hated hospitals, this one especially after spending weeks there in the spring of 1986 after the demobat attacks. Steve’s aunt and uncle were also there, along with his cousin and her children, and it was getting more uncomfortable by the second.
“Hey Clara!” Steve had called out, happy to see her but not happy enough to negate the reason for their impromptu family gathering. They had been close as children, and he’d missed her. He probably hadn’t seen her in close to 20 years, but he knew it was her.
“Steve!” she said, as he went in to hug her. “I would, but…” she jostled the small child in her arms by way of explanation.
“Of course. Oh my god, I didn’t know you had kids!”
“Yeah, well I got married a few years back now. This is Joey”, she said, indicating the child in her arms, “and this is Caitlyn”. She stepped slightly to the side and he saw a shy little girl, not much older than her brother peer out from behind her mother.
Steve smiled, and knelt down. “Hey kiddo, how are you? I’m your Mom’s cousin Steve”. He just smiled at her wide-eyed stare and stood up again to face Clara. “She’s a sweetheart. Reckon she gets her looks from you”. Clara just laughed.
“Well when they’re with you 24/7 trust me they can be a handful. My husband’s on a business trip and couldn’t get away so I’ve been wrangling them by myself for the last few days”.
“Well if you need a hand I’m always happy to help”.
“Oh yeah”, Eddie interjected, “Steve’s great with kids. Babysitter extraordinaire”. Clara shifted awkwardly on her feet as though mulling over her next words.
“Oh, no, it’s really okay. I wouldn’t want to trouble you”, she settled on.
“You’re my cousin. It’s no trouble, I get if you could use a break, or…”
“I said no Steve”. She said firmly, before looking sheepish that she’d snapped at him, almost looking apologetic. Like she knew he’d just been trying to help but knew she couldn’t risk accepting it. Steve held out his hands in defeat.
“That’s cool”, he said calmly, “Just trying to help. I’m just gonna, um…” he spun around and pointed awkwardly to the toilets and disappeared. Eddie sat down, head in his hands for a moment, before he decided he better follow Steve. He’d seen the tears in his eyes. Steve was made to be a parent and it killed Eddie that he couldn’t give him that. He wanted kids too, of course he did, but he’d known about himself for such a long time that he’d long since resigned himself to the fact that it wouldn’t happen. Steve had had that dream taken away from him pretty late, and Eddie knew it must hurt more that way. And no matter how many times he told Eddie that he’d choose him every time, Eddie still knew the pain it caused him to see people around them having children, and to know that most of the population considered them a bad influence, a risk to their young, just because of who they loved. Well it was 1994 for fuck’s sake. He was beginning to hear of more gay couples adopting kids. Well that could be them couldn’t it? He found Steve crying in a bathroom stall, and begged to be let in. Eventually the door creeped open and Steve allowed himself to be pulled in for a hug. Eddie peppered his face with kisses before leaving a lingering one on his lips.
“You’re gonna be a great Dad one day you know. Hell, you already are to the little shits”.
“They’re not so little anyone”.
“I know, I know, you want the baby stage”, Eddie teased. “It’ll happen for us princess I swear. But the others are always gonna need you”.
“I know”, Steve whispered, hoarse from crying and muffled by Eddie’s shirt. Eddie just stroked his hair and held him.
“Ready to go back out there?”
“They’re gonna think we’re doing a walk of shame”.
“Bullshit, it’s only been like 10 minutes. C’mon”. Eddie exited first, Steve holding onto his hand like a lifeline. He grinned as he saw a boy with dark curly hair surrounded by Harrigntons demanding to know Steve’s whereabouts.
“He’s in the bathroom”, his aunt was saying.
“And unsurprisingly he’s not alone”, his Uncle added, in a disturbed, condescending way that made Eddie shiver.
“Now what was I just saying?” Eddie whispered to Steve before calling out, “Dustin!”
“Dad!” Dustin yelled without a hint of irony, before pushing Steve’s aunt and cousin aside to launch himself into Eddie’s arms.
“Hey kid, how are you doing?”
“I’m good I’m good. Steve, are you okay?” Dustin’s eyes raked over Steve’s blotchy face.
“I’ll live Henderson, don’t sweat it”. Dustin pulled him into a tight hug, which Steve returned gratefully.
“I know you don’t care this much about your mom, so you better explain later”, he whispered in his ear. Steve snorted.
“Just, everything”, he explained weakly, as he motioned for them all to sit down again.
Steve’s relatives were silent as the three men sat down, Steve and Eddie still holding hands.
“So…” Dustin began, feeling the need to make conversion to relieve the awkwardness. “How is everyone? How’s Robin? And the band?”
“Robin‘s doing great. She loves her new job, she’s keeping out of trouble”, Steve explained.
“Band’s taking a break from actually performing” Eddie began, “seeing as Gareth’s girlfriend’s about to pop, but I’m writing some new stuff, working at the garage a couple days, keep me busy. Guess who’s gonna be godfathers?”
“Well it better be you now you’ve said that”.
“Got it in one. Unofficially of course”.
“Of course. How’s Adrian?”
“Dead”, Steve said bluntly.
“Shit”.
“Yeah, Tony’s a fucking mess”, added Eddie. “I swear to god his T cells just dropped like overnight”.
“I’m really sorry”.
“Not your fault kiddo. How’s Suzie?”
“Oh, really good thanks. I mean, exams are kind of stressing her out y’know, but she’s like, a bonafide genius, she’ll be fine”.
“Thanks for taking the time to come Dustin, you know you didn’t have to. I feel bad making you miss out on classes and stuff”.
“I worked on the journey, this is more important”.
A nurse appeared in front of the group. “She’d like to see Steve now?” she said gently, a question in her voice as she looked amongst them. Steve stood up slowly, taking a deep breath. Eddie stood up next to him. “You want me to come with?”
“No, not just yet. I think I need to do this on my own”. So Eddie just kissed him, and let him go.
“You think mom’s gonna be okay?” Dustin asked into the silent room. Eddie knocked their knees together.
“Yeah, he’ll be fine”.
“Hello Steven”.
“Hi”.
“How are you keeping?”
“Fine”
“Are you well?”
“Yes”.
“You could have worn something a little more subtle”, she commented. Steve rolled his eyes.
“It’s boiling outside, and it’s pretty obvious that you told the whole family that I’m a giant fag, I don’t think how I dress is gonna make any difference”.
“You’re still seeing that boy?”
“Eddie. Yes. 8 years now”.
“My, that is a long time”.
“Mom, why did you want to see me?”
“What a question Steven, you’re my son!”
“You can stop pretending that you love me, I’ve made the peace with the fact that you don’t, it’s okay”.
“Steven…”
“Please just stop lying”.
“I thought after I divorced your father that maybe I should make more of an effort to keep informed about your life. I know you two didn’t get along well…” she ignored Steve’s derisive snort and carried on, “and I suppose I thought maybe, without him there, we might find a little in common”.
“I brought you flowers”, Steve said, ignoring her. I’ll ask the nurse for a vase when I leave”.
“I’m dying Steven! Your own mother. Don’t you care?”
“Look, I went to 3 funerals last month in as many weeks, so forgive me if the novelty has worn off slightly”.
“What are you talking about?”
“People I love are dying Mom. People I love more than you and frankly I think they deserved a better chance. So I’m sorry but I can’t pretend that I’m sad about you because I’m more sad about them. They were young and they didn’t have a chance and you…you’ve lived your life and they’ve tried everything under the sun so maybe it’s time to just call it quits. What are you gonna do with any extra time anyway? Just not speak to me for another 20 years?”
“I tried my best”.
“No you didn’t. You left me, you never loved me, you let dad beat the shit out of me”. Steve was crying now and he paced angrily up and down the room, running his hands down his face. “Why the fuck do I still care about you?”
“I’m sorry”.
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I’m your mother. I should have tried harder”.
“You think you ever would have come out with this if you weren’t dying?” His mother’s eyes shifted guiltily to the side. He smiled sadly.
“I know it’s fucked up but I still love you. I’m sorry you’re not well”.
“Can I meet him?”
“Who?”
“Eddie”. Steve eyed her suspiciously.
“Now?” She just nodded.
“You say one bad thing to him and I’m leaving and I won’t be coming back”.
“I know”, she said, and Steve could tell from the look in her eyes that she knew he meant it. They were glistening with unshed tears, and despite his best efforts his heart softened.
Steve went out of the room for a moment, and returned shortly holding a young man with long hair by the hand. He looked just like the photographs she’d seen. He was followed by a boy in a college jumper and a baseball cap.
“Eddie”, she said, “I recognise you from a photograph I saw in a Rolling Stones article”. He raised his eyebrows at her, and Steve recognised the trademark Munson charm making an appearance.
“Why Mrs Harrington, you’ll make me blush. May I say you have excellent taste”.
“A friend gave me a copy”, she said shortly. “You mentioned Steven in the interview”. A flash of panic crossed Eddie’s face as he tried to think of what interview it might have been, and what he would have said. But all he said was: “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t be anywhere without Stevie. Gotta give him some of the credit”.
“Who’s this?” She said, peering at Dustin, who was looking at her with a frown. “Hey kid, be nice”, Eddie said, nudging him. “This is Dustin”, Steve said, putting an arm around him. “I’m basically their kid”, Dustin announced”. “I used to babysit him”, Steve explained, which Dustin just rolled his eyes at. Then he continued to stare at Mrs Harrington. “You’re protective of him”, she said she observantly. “No-one messes with my parents. They’d die for me, and I’d do the same for them. They love me, they’re always there if I need anything, they give me good advice. That’s what parents are supposed to do”.
“Hey”, Steve said quietly.
“No, she treated you like shit and just because she’s dying doesn’t mean she gets a free pass”.
“You’ve found people who really love you”, Steve’s mother said before Steve or Eddie could say anything. “Hang onto that”. Steve looked at her in surprise.
“I will”.
“I’m sorry I didn’t hang onto you”. Steve took a deep breath. “The others are waiting to come in, we better not hog all of visiting time”. Eddie looked at Steve, trying to read his expression but failing.
“Good to meet you Mrs H”, he said, holding out a hand, which she took, “sorry it’s under these circumstances. Dustin”. Dustin nodded to her shortly. “Bye Mrs Harrington”. He let Eddie push him slowly out of the room. They both glanced back at Steve warily, Eddie reaching out to grasp his hand one more time, and kiss it, before closing the door behind them. “Goodbye Mom”. Steve went to kiss her forehead, knowing that despite everything he’s regret it if he didn’t, and a couple of tears he’d tried not to shed fell at her hairline. “Goodbye Steven. Thank you for coming to see me. I know I don’t deserve it. But I do love you”. He sighed. He wished he could believe that. “Love you too”, he said, before turning and closing the door. He didn’t look back. The old Steve would have held onto those words like a lifeline. Would have stayed at her bedside for as long as life would allow. But he was done wasting his love on people who didn’t love him back. He was done. Waiting outside the hospital room for him were two people who loved him more than anything, without ever asking for anything in return. It had taken a long time, but Steve realised now that he did deserve that, as strange as it seemed. He took a deep breath, and slowly walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. He didn’t look back. Instead he just let Eddie put an arm around him and press a kiss to his neck, as he ruffled Dustin’s hair, ignoring his other relatives to go home with his family. His real family. The family that love built.