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"Your turn to shower." Chanhee plopped down on the soft hotel bed, not minding how his hair was still wet and soaking the white sheets. His mind was tired, his body was exhausted, and his heart was just done for the day.
"I'll bring the blower out, dry your hair or you might get sick if you sleep like that." was Juyeon's calm answer, soft footsteps alerting Chanhee that his roommate for the day was moving around. "Call room service for food if you're feeling peckish too."
Chanhee only grunted as a reply. When the bathroom door closed with an audible click, he slowly sat up, frowning at nothing in particular. He reached for the blower that Juyeon conveniently left on his bed and plugged the machine on, slowly feeling drowsy as the heat warmed his hair and body.
That day was horrible, in Chanhee's most humble opinion. Jakarta was hot and humid and they spent most of the day in the rented practice room with broken air conditioning. They had a concert set for the next day, but Chanhee honestly was too tired to even move a muscle.
He let the blower drop beside him, yawning. A cigarette would have been really nice right then. Unfortunately, with the higher risk of sasaengs following them, Chanhee wasn't allowed to smoke for the rest of the tour anymore.
Well, at least the hotel air conditioning works well .
"Are you done using that?" Juyeon stepped out of the bathroom, bare chested and dressed only in his sleeping shorts with the used towel hung around his shoulders like a sash. His ginger hair, darkened from the shower, was slicked back messily as stray droplets rushed down his toned body.
And god , Chanhee knew he told Juyeon that nothing could ever come out of their– whatever their relationship was, he still couldn't help himself from getting a tad bit distracted and following a particularly naughty drop of water from Juyeon's neck, travelling down his pectorals and the ridges of his abs, to the soft skin above his covered lower hips.
"Chanhee." Juyeon seemed like he was too tired to be smug about his effect on the vocalist. "The blower?"
"I'm done with it."
Juyeon wordlessly took the contraption with him to the vanity, drying his own hair as quickly as he could. Chanhee found himself staring at the dancer's broad back, feeling the phantom softness of it under his fingers from nights of drunken haze when his fingernails would rake angry red marks on Juyeon's golden skin.
He never apologized for those, just as Chanhee also never apologized for leaving the shared bed first or when he could see the hurt in Juyeon's eyes but continued to flirt with Hyunjae anyway.
Before Chanhee could think of a deeper hole for himself, the blower stopped emitting that loud whirring noise, signalling that Juyeon was done with it. He shamelessly watched Juyeon walk to his own bed, turning the lights off on his side of the room and covering himself with the blankets.
Deciding there was nothing else to do and he might as well get some rest before the concert the next day, Chanhee also turned the lights off and closed his eyes.
Unfortunately, his rest has been cut short by haunting visions of soot-black hands creeping up from under the bed and holding onto his ankles and wrists. Disembodied, echoing voices whispered nothings around him as Chanhee uselessly struggled to move an inch of his body.
He did manage to break free, after what seemed like an eternity, and blinked himself back to reality. Juyeon was still snoring softly on the other bed, unbothered while Chanhee was wholly terrified of even closing his eyes.
Chanhee briefly considered calling Younghoon and asking to sleep over at his room with Sangyeon, but decided against it when he remembered how tired the other members must have been as well.
"Chanhee?" Juyeon popped his head up, eyes still half-closed. "Where are you going?"
"Just… I don't know." The pinkette finally blurted out after a while. "I had a nightmare. I need a smoke."
"You're not allowed to." Juyeon's voice, deep and groggy and alluring, admonished gently. "Come back and just try to sleep again."
"I can't."
It was silent for a while, and Chanhee thought that Juyeon had fallen asleep again. He was about to leave their room when the dancer spoke again.
"If I hold your hand, would you at least try to get some rest?"
Chanhee wondered why Juyeon didn't just offer to cuddle, then remembered that he himself had just told Juyeon that loving Chanhee was poison not even two weeks ago– maybe Juyeon was actively making an effort to 'unlove' him. And so he trudged back to his bed, eyes glued onto the large hand that stretched out from Juyeon's bed.
He let his fingers dance with the tips of Juyeon's for a while before he felt the dancer move his hand, letting his own fingers trail over Chanhee's soft palm.
"It's okay." Juyeon murmured, already half asleep. "I'm here, Chanhee."
And somehow, those words sent relief surging through Chanhee's body. He felt himself relax, his fingertips tracing the contour of Juyeon's hand, the grooves and crests of his much larger palm, the square nails and crooked thumb.
Chanhee let himself imagine that it was indeed okay for him to fall in love again. Somehow, in all of his imaginings and musings, Chanhee always ended up in Juyeon's arms, no matter how diverse or varied the events in his daydream had been.
But , Chanhee thought as his eyes closed for the night, Juyeon is a star that I can never reach, even with how far and high I aim. Loving him back will only hurt both of us .
And Chanhee fed himself these lies until his heart grew numb, but their hands still held tight even as Chanhee lightly scrapes his nail over Juyeon's wrist.
I guess it's my fate that I'm a catastrophe.