Work Text:
Case #267
PREFACE
The hearing is to determine if the Parties, Elias Bouchard (he/they) and Peter Lukas (he/him) are in sound states of mind to dissolve their marriage for the fiftieth time. The case is overseen by Judge Jason Brennen (any). Written recording by Juno Elmwood (they/them), head administrator of the Divine Justice Court, London.
RECORD BEGINS
JUDGE B.: Peter! Long time no see, how are you, old chap? Elias appears to be a tad late.
LUKAS: Well, you know how it is.
JUDGE B. (laughs): Sure do, sure do. Listen, we are still on for Sunday, right? Ever since your last hearing I’ve been simply dying to finally try that sailboat you talked about.
LUKAS: Of course. You don’t know the sea until you try being completely alone on that beauty. Well unless of course Elias gets it in the divorce.
JUDGE B. (laughs and slaps the table): Hilarious, Peter, simply hilarious.
BOUCHARD (stepping into the room): I hope you’re not flirting with the Judge again, Peter. We are still married after all.
LUKAS (muttering): Not for long.
JUDGE B.: Elias! Come, come, we were just chatting. Now that you're saying it, Peter would be a wonderful addition, my partners would adore him.
BOUCHARD: I’m sure they would.
JUDGE B.: And what were you up to this last week? It’s nice to catch up, I hardly have time outside of work, so you know, two birds as they say.
BOUCHARD: Ah, just the usual. How many employees can you torture before it becomes bit of a chore?
JUDGE B. (laughs, clearly thinking it’s a joke): Ha, delightful. You two really are something. Why today’s divorce anyway?
[Both parties remain in what feels like passive-aggressive silence.]
JUDGE B.: Don’t tell me Elias hogged the blanket again. [Silence.] Peter, did you do something? Was it the dishes?
LUKAS: No. But I stand by my previous standpoint on the matter.
BOUCHARD (rolling their eyes): Forgive me for not seeing the difference between that disgusting rotting soup you romanticize so much and the dishwater. I don’t see why that’s such a tremendous problem.
LUKAS (muttering): You don’t see a lot of things.
BOUCHARD (huffing): Typical. Instead of dealing with your own feelings now you’re questioning my professionalism.
JUDGE B.: Alright, alright, it doesn’t matter. You paid the fees, filled out the paperwork, I was just ordering you in for a bit of a chat. I pronounce you divorced, blahblahblah, the usual, you get the papers on the way out.
BOUCHARD: Thank you Jason, we appreciate it.
JUDGE B.: Don’t worry about it. You know, it’s so hard to find a community when you’re in these high positions, I’m really glad I met you two.
[Lukas audibly shudders in his seat.]
BOUCHARD: Don’t mind him, it’s just that community is not exactly his cup of tea. Can’t separate work and life, can you, darling?
LUKAS: Fuck off.
JUDGE B.: Hah, I get what you mean. Sometimes it’s hard to just be there and listen to my partners after a long day of judging people.
BOUCHARD: That’s why I employ someone for listening.
[Judge B. laughs, wipes her tears.]
LUKAS: And someone’s always listening, isn’t that right?
[All of them turn to Elmwood, watching as they type. Elmwood feels uncomfortable now, not knowing what to do. They mostly just want to go back to their cats and watch another Hannibal episode. The others slowly get back to their business.]
JUDGE B.: So Sunday, is it?
LUKAS: Looking forward to it.
BOUCHARD: Who knows, maybe I’ll tag along. I have a couple of proposal ideas up my sleeve and it would be nice to get some fresh air.
LUKAS: Don’t you have employees to torture?
BOUCHARD: Well I have to keep them on their toes, darling. If there’s one thing I learned from you it’s that sometimes the best torture is to just leave someone alone with their thoughts.
JUDGE B.: Aww, how nice! See you then, and we could even schedule another appointment if you want, court hearings go well with proposals.
LUKAS: I prefer white wine.
JUDGE B.: And that. Alright! I conclude today’s hearing, case closed, have a nice day everyone.
RECORD ENDS
CLOSING NOTES
The Parties are determined to be as mentally capable as we can reasonably expect. No further inquiries necessary. Elmwood decides to drink a coffee before the next case about a man who apparently got brutally murdered with a pipe. What a wild day.