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It is a couple of months after Sapnap starts dating Dream and George that Punz realises he’s still in love with him.
It’s a problem. They’ve been broken up for years, they agreed. They weren’t even officially together, just fucking around, but Punz had been so held up his insecurities and-
They’d been friends for years beforehand. Punz thinks he always held a tiny little match-like flame for Sapnap, since they met online all those years ago. But he ignored it, for a long while, and even when they were ‘together’ it was-
It wasn’t serious. They fucked, they made out a few times, they cuddled. But that isn’t inherently romantic. Right? Just human nature.
Anyway, it goes like this: He’s sat in his room, working on a written assignment. He’s three of ten thousand words in and he’s just getting into the good groove when the door to his room pushes open.
Sapnap is home. It’s a Tuesday, he has class, and he can’t go and stay with Dream or George overnight when he has class, but he’s nothing if not a clingy bitch. Punz glances up at him as he comes in, back to his paper.
“Hey,” he greets, “‘S’up?”
Sapnap pads over and sits on the side of Punz’s bed.
“‘M lonely.”
“Aren’t you always?” Punz replies, but shuffles over a little so Sapnap can lay down beside him. He does so, curling up on his side and blinking up at Punz with a little frown creasing his brows.
“Not always.” He protests weakly, “Just when my boyfriends are busy.”
“I’m backup, got it.” Punz teases. He frees one hand from his keyboard, momentarily, to ruffle Sapnap’s hair. Sapnap huffs, turns his face into the bedsheets.
“I just like the company.”
“Well, I’m workin’, but you can stay as long as you want.”
“Thanks,” Sapnap says, laxing a little. Punz returns to his work.
It’s already late when he comes in, so it makes sense that he falls asleep. Punz eventually hits seven thousand with another few days before he has to turn it in, and it’s late, so he decides it’s enough for tonight and closes his laptop. When Sapnap doesn’t react, he groans softly in his throat.
He hates waking Sapnap up. He’s always grumpy and mad when he’s woken up, and it hurts Punz to be subjected to that, even for a little. It’s not a normal sensitivity, it’s the fact that Sapnap is squinting at him like he’s angry with him that hits low in the chest.
A sigh. He slides his laptop into its usual place between his mattress and the wall. Sapnap is still curled on his side, snoozing away, and Punz decides that it won’t kill them to share a bed for the night. He grabs the blanket from the foot of the bed and silently curses that they’re lying on the quilt. The blanket is warm, but probably not warm enough for the autumn night air. Whatever, he’ll deal with it if it crops up. Pulls the blanket up, tucks it over Sapnap gently and turns onto his side to tuck it over himself, too. The lights are already down. He just has to reach over and click the lamp off. Sapnap is warm, peaceful, still. Punz falls asleep to the calm sound of his breath, and does not wonder about how much better he sleeps with someone beside him because that was never a future destined for him.
Most of the time, he’s okay not being marked. Most of the time, it doesn’t matter. But sometimes it creeps up, the knowledge that he doesn’t have a soulmate. It festers, sickening- he wants to be loved. He loves a lot. He craves romantic connection, craves connection in general, but it’s not sewn into his skin. It was never meant to be.
That insecurity is a big part of why he never pushed for more with Sapnap. He couldn’t stand to drag him down. Sapnap had a mark, Sapnap had someone out there waiting for him. And Punz adores Dream and George- they’re both so sweet, Dream is kind, and George is mean but in a teasing way. They’re both good people, good friends, good lovers, and exactly what Sapnap deserves.
Punz wakes a few hours later. Or more than a few, it’s hard to tell, the light beyond the curtains is dim daylight. Early morning or rainy later, he can’t pick it out.
There’s a weight and a warmth. Sapnap has, in his sleep, crawled closer and is laid out almost on top of Punz, one arm curled over his waist and his head pillowed on Punz’s shoulder. He’s half-snoring. Punz huffs affectionately, wraps an arm around him, and tries to go back to sleep.
Doesn’t go great. He hovers halfway between sleep and waking until Sapnap’s alarm buzzes from the pocket of his pants and he groggily comes to, pawing at his pocket until he slides his phone out and hits a button. He has to sit up to pry it out, but once it stops buzzing, he flops right back down onto Punz’s chest, who makes a winded little noise in reply.
“Five minutes,” he grumbles, and presses his face into Punz’s shirt.
“Uh,” Punz says, awkward, “You- uh- y’know it’s me, right?”
It’s been a long, long time since they woke up together, especially like this. Sapnap is cuddling into him the way he used to, when they were figuring each other out. The way he cuddles into Dream’s side when he’s here.
“Mhm,” Sapnap muffles, “Y’r warm, shh. Five more minutes.”
Okay? Okay. Okay! Sure. He can- he can take this. Deal with this. With Sapnap being warm and sleep and cute and curled into him like he’s important, like he’s a comfort. He nuzzles a little deeper into Punz’s shirt, and Punz thinks his chest is going to collapse inwards. It takes a second to realise that isn’t from the weight, but from the force of emotion. Ah, okay.
Five minutes later, and the alarm goes off again. Sapnap sits up slow, turns it off and yawns, blinks at the blanket, at Punz.
“Shit, did I fall asleep on you?”
“No big deal.” Punz shrugs despite the rabbiting of his heart. He needs space to think about what’s going through his head.
“Weren’t you, y'know… cold,” Sapnap gestures to the blanket, and Punz shakes his head, honest.
“You’re a human space heater, dude. I dunno when you decided to like, lie on me, but I was toasty.”
“Oh. Okay, cool. I’m gonna go get changed, thanks for- uh-” there’s awkwardness, now, “I… uh. Thanks for. Sleeping with me.”
“I’m here any time you need me,” Punz tells him honestly, and Sapnap smiles at him before scurrying out of the room. Punz groans quietly, tips his head back into his pillows. There’s a lot of feelings swimming around inside him right now, things he thought long dead and buried. He decides he needs to clear his head, go for a run, so up he hops to go shower and get ready. He bumps into Sapnap on the way back from his shower, towel wrapped low around his waist, and it’s nothing he hasn’t been subjected to multiple times but-
But he turns bright pink. Thankfully, Sapnap is already past him and he can go be embarrassed under a stream of hot water.
The run doesn’t help much. He gets Starbucks on the way home and decides to sit in, plops into a seat with his strawberry açai refresher and stares out the window. The emotions of the morning have set to simmer, but haven’t disappeared, and under the surface there’s a turmoil. Like- like something has been held down for too long and he simply can’t keep it leashed much longer.
He thinks back on it. He’s never explicitly admitted how he feels about Sapnap. They don’t trade casual I love you’s like Bad and Sapnap do, he’s never said that word to Sapnap before but he knows, he knows.
He sips the drink.
This wasn’t what he intended from his life. A mixture of misery and mess, blank skin and no connections. He’s always sort of known- assumed- whatever- that he wasn’t meant to be a permanent fixture in anyone’s life but now-
He’s faced with this concept. Loud, angry, the idea that he is not a permanent fixture in Sapnap’s life. And he’s assumed for years it’d come, but it’s never sunk in until it does in this Starbucks. His grip on the cup tightens, trembles.
And loosens.
Does it matter? In a wave it hits him. That even if- hypothetically- if they fell in love. There’s no guarantee that would make it permanent. No guarantee it’d be temporary staying platonic. In this rush, he realises- it’s Sapnap.
It’s his Sapnap.
There’s no way he’d drop Punz over something like unrequited feelings. Is it not healthier to be honest? But he needs to be- be honest with himself first.
So, out loud, he tries the words in a whisper.
“I’m in love with Sapnap.”
A little rush of adrenaline and affection. It feels a little strong, even if it feels right. So he tries a little different,
“I love Sapnap.”
And that one feels better.
By the time he steps out of Starbucks, he doesn’t know what he was so caught up in, his head far clearer. He heads home, finds Bad in the kitchen chopping garlic, the smell of food rich in the air.
“What’re you makin’?”
Bad jumps a little, but beams at him,
“Garlic chicken parmesan. Fries and salad, too.”
“Ooh,” Punz passes him to the fridge to pull out a Monster, “Sounds good.”
“Felt like cooking,” he replies brightly, “Got good news!”
“Yeah?”
“Mhm! Skeppy managed to get a six-month visa! He said he’s planning on moving in with Techno whilst he’s here.”
“Oh- yo, he’s gonna be here? In England?” Punz brightens, and Bad beams at him.
“Yes! No more missing him, he’s gonna be right here.”
“Well, an hour away.”
“Same thing.”
“Is not- you lived an hour away in Florida, right?”
“Shhhh, don’t talk,” Bad sticks his tongue out petulantly, “How was the run?”
“Eh. So-so. I think I might like- like Sapnap.”
“Oh,” Bad says, pausing as he’s evening the garlic over the chicken, “At last?”
“What?”
“I was really surprised you weren’t dating when I met you! It was super obvious- to me, I guess- that you loved him.”
“I mean- yeah. But loving someone isn’t the same as being in love with them.”
“I guess.” Bad shrugs, “But you know, he seeks you out for comfort. Even now he has Dream and George, it’s still pretty obvious he loves you, and you would drop- have dropped- everything when he needs you.” A shrug, “When I wake you up, you throw things at me. When Sapnap wakes you up, you break for him.”
“Oh.” Says Punz. He’s quiet for a few moments, letting Bad hum through the silence, sorting out the mozzarella with a cheerful demeanor.
“What do I do now I know?”
“I can’t give you that answer,” Bad replies, side-eyeing him, “What do you want to do?”
“I- I don’t know. I think I want- we fell asleep together last night. That was nice. I liked that. I think I want that again.”
“Okay. What’s stopping you?”
“It seems- I dunno. Romantic. Or adjacent, stuff you gotta talk about as boundaries with partners. I like Dream, and George, I don’t wanna lose ‘em as friends by just spitting it out y’know?”
“Right. Why don’t you text Dream, then? Talk to him about it. Of the two of them, I think he’s the more reasonable one.”
Punz snorts a laugh. It’s both true and not at the same time- George is a hardass only in facade, he’s actually soft on the inside and Punz knows it. Dream reacts bigger because he doesn’t have the heart to keep a mask up like George, but he also gets way more into his own head. They both have the whole therapy ideals going on, but- yeah, Dream is easier to talk to.
“I’ll do that,” he nods, and leaves to the background of Bad a goodbye after him.
Two days later, he’s sat in Starbucks across from Dream.
“Spit it out already, idiot,” Dream says, teasing, “You look like you’re gonna shit yourself.”
“Mean,” Punz replies, but it makes him smile. He sips his drink like he’s trying to drag it out, and Dream just raises an eyebrow at him.
“Alright, you seriously gotta start talking. You’re making me nervous.” It’s still light, but an undertone of genuine worry behind it. Punz huffs.
“Okay, so- I’m talkin’ to you first, ‘cause you’re easier to talk to, and I don’t wanna like- I don’t wanna fuck up our friendship.”
“Concerning!”
“Shut up, lemme talk- I like havin’ you as my friend, right? George and Karl, too, and I don’t wanna like… risk… losing you guys if I say or do somethin’ wrong and Bad said it was a good idea to talk to you first-”
“Is this about Sapnap?” Dream asks curiously, “Did he tell you and not tell us he told you?”
“Tell- tell me what?”
Dream pauses. Punz watches the color drain from his cheeks.
“Nothing.” He says, “Go on.”
“No, hold on, tell me what?” Punz’s grip tightens, “Oh God. What? Did I fuck something up?”
“Fuck, no- he- it’s- I can’t, Punz. You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise, everything is fine, he just wanted to tell you something but it’s- it’s important, to him, I can’t- I can’t like- I can’t do it for him. What did you wanna talk about?”
His heart is still turning rings in his throat, but he swallows anyway.
“I- uh- sorry.” He takes a long drink to try and calm his nerves. It doesn’t work, but the pause gives him his breath back.
“Okay, if I try and talk around it, I’ll never say it so I’m just gonna be blunt- I like Sapnap. Like- romantically. I don’t know if I can say I’m in love with him, but I have feelings for him, and you’re dating him and- and I don’t wanna. Lose you guys, over this.”
“You’re not gonna, don’t worry,” is the first thing out of Dream’s mouth, though his eyes are wide with surprise, “You’re into him?”
“Yeah. He came in the other day to hang out whilst I was working, and he fell asleep and- it’s been… a few years, since we cuddled, I guess. And it all just sort of hit me.”
Dream is grinning. Sort of. It’s like he’s trying to hide it, but he is grinning behind his caramel macchiato.
“Okay, yeah. I can like- assure you, Karl, George, me? We’re not going anywhere. Still your friend. And you can- you can like- tell him.”
“You’re sure? I don’t want it to get awkward with you guys if he turns me down. I don’t think he’s gonna like, ditch me, but-”
“It won’t. He won’t,” Dream assures, reaches out to curl his hand around Punz’s wrist, “You’re fine, you’re gonna be fine. I promise you, it’s all gonna be okay.”
Punz exhales. It’s shaky, but there’s a bit of a smile there.
“Thanks, Dream. I uh- I know you can’t actually promise it, or whatever, but I don’t want to fall out with you guys no matter what happens with Sapnap.”
“True, can’t promise it, but I can promise to try, right?”
“That, you can.” A nod, “Okay. Okay, good, that’s- that’s over, let’s just hang out for a bit.” His head on the table, Dream snorts a laugh at him.
“I don’t have class ‘til three, I’m yours ‘til then.”
Punz feels better when he leaves Dream. Calmer, more eased, he always does when he spends time with Dream- despite being high energy, he’s always so reassuring. Strangely calm, despite being excitable the same way a puppy is. Plus, he gives absolutely fantastic hugs.
He gets home. There’s no clatter from the kitchen, so he assumes that Bad is out, and he doesn’t see anyone in Sapnap’s bedroom when he pokes his head in so he’s likely out too.
He trawls into his room and is surprised to find that, actually, Sapnap is home. He’s asleep on Punz’s bed with his phone slumped by his neck, like he just kind of fell asleep whilst chilling here. Punz rolls his eyes as he crosses the room, dumps his bag and drags his hoodie off. Turns back, plops onto the side of the bed and watches the jostle wake Sapnap from his nap with a little grunt.
“Didn’t mean t’ wake you. Don’t you have class right now?”
“Cancelled,” Sapnap snuffles, “Lie down, ‘m fuckin’ tired.”
“Second time this week, Sap,” Punz teases, but kicks off his shoes to do as he’s told, “People’ll talk.”
“Let em,” Sapnap drags him down, curls into his side, “I don’t care if they know I love you. They’re just jealous.”
Punz pauses.
“What?”
Sapnap cracks an eye open from his chest.
“Said I love you. Really, ‘s’it a surprise?”
“I mean, a bit, yeah,” Punz frowns, “It’s been years-”
“Yeah, and we didn’t stop ‘cause I didn’t like you. Idiot. Was ‘cause it was freaking you out. Never wanted t’ hurt you ‘n’ shit.” He pushes up, but just enough to fold an arm under his chin so he can meet Punz’s eyes, “Figured when you pulled away you didn’t really want it. I dunno. Your head’s always been a mess. Not like mine’s better, but y’know.”
“I always wanted it,” it comes out and he frowns, because that’s not true. Or… it’s sort of true. His head was a mess. He wanted it, he needed space, he didn’t feel like he deserved it. He’s only just getting over that last bit.
“Do you still want it?” Sapnap asks, and he sounds… unsure. Uncertain. Like he’s ready to run. Punz near clamps an arm around his waist.
“God, yes. I want it. I want you, I don’t- like- I don’t know how serious, or deep, but I want to find out. There’s nobody I trust more than you.”
Sapnap grins at him.
“Great. Good. I’m glad. Can I kiss you?”
“Loser,” Punz replies, affectionate, “Yeah, you can.”
It’s quick, it’s gentle and harsh at the same time, burning with the same fire that inhabits Sapnap’s chest, and when he’s done and he pulls back, he plops onto Punz’s chest and winds him just the same as he did days ago.
“I’m still tired, so shut up and sleep.”
“I’m setting an alarm for seven,” Punz tells him, fiddling one-handed with his phone. Sapnap groans.
“Fine,” he draws out the I, “Love you.”
“Yeah,” Punz sets his phone on the bedside table and cuddles Sapnap closer, “Love you too.”