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Someone in the station— Buck isn't sure who— jinxed them.
That's the only explanation he can think of as, what was a peaceful enough morning, turns into a shift from hell.
As they sit down for lunch, the alarm begins to ring and then— doesn't stop. It rings and rings and rings. All fucking day.
It's nearly the end of their shift, and Buck manages to cram in a quick meal of power bars and a peanut butter sandwich he found in the fridge that might have been Chim's before the alarm starts to go off.
Again.
Everyone lets out a collective groan as the truck is immediately pulled out for what feels like the thousandth time that day. It feels like they've been all over the city, racing from one incident to the next. Buck is well and truly exhausted as he sits in his place next to Eddie on the truck, their thighs brushing together every few seconds and their shoulders touching, a steady and constant point of contact. It makes Buck feel a little better.
"Here." Buck murmurs lazily, extracting a power bar from his turnout. "Saved you one." He says and a warm feeling spreads through him as he watches Eddie take the power bar with a soft, pleased smile.
"Thanks."
"Anytime."
What wouldn't he do for that smile.
-
There's a major accident on the freeway, with several people trapped in their cars, and they spend a few hours extracting people and working on the clean-up.
Hen and Chim are working on one of the last victims, and ask for Buck and Eddie to pick more supplements from the ambulance.
Buck and Eddie climb into the back of the ambulance and start looking for what Hen asked, while Buck bites his lip.
"Hey, Eddie?"
"Yeah?"
Buck hesitates. He's been thinking of asking Eddie on a date for weeks and he always backs off at the last second. And surely now it's not the best time, when they're both exhausted and sweaty and dirty. It really is not the best time.
But maybe it is something about watching big accidents like this one and witnessing too much hurt and loss that makes Buck feel something a lot like urgency.
"Last thing you want is to be at the end, holding nothing but regrets."
Buck licks his lips and it's about to ask Eddie out to dinner, maybe tomorrow, when screams reach his ears.
He turns around and his heart drops to the ground when he sees a truck lose control, swerving into the turn lane and going straight for the ambulance.
It all happens so fast but for Buck it feels like slow motion, him screaming Eddie's name and pushing him out of the ambulance, watching him as he rolls on the ground and quickly moves out of the way, being pulled away by Bobby.
-
It all happens so fast.
One minute Buck is talking to him, a strange look in his eyes that Eddie tries not to read too much into. He doesn't want to get his hopes up.
And then, the next second Eddie is being pushed out of the ambulance, arms pulling him away as a truck crashes into the back of the ambulance, barely missing him.
As a truck crashes into the back of the ambulance— with Buck still inside.
Buck's inside the ambulance. Eddie thinks in horror as he watches the truck crash and take the ambulance with it for what feels like an eternity, sliding down the street and completely destroying it.
"Buck!" He hears someone scream, a guttural sound that doesn't even sound human. It might have been Eddie himself, he realizes absentmindedly. He can't be sure. He can't hear his own voice from the rush of blood pumping through his veins, deafening his ears."Buck!"
Eddie's running before he can ever process anything, his mind a loop of "Save Buck. Save Buck. Save Buck."
He climbs the destroyed ambulance, ignoring the truck. He doesn't care about anything, about anyone else that isn't Buck.
"Buck." He chokes out when he sees the blonde man unconscious and bloody in the ambulance, the stretcher is broken in a corner and all the needles, bandages, gauzes and dressings are on the floor.
There's so much blood. It's everywhere, in Buck's face, running down his temples, covering his turnouts.
Eddie thinks he might throw up.
So much blood.
With trembling hands, Eddie reaches out and checks for a pulse.
He's alive.
There's Buck. There's Eddie's love, broken and bleeding, raw and aching. But alive.
"H—" Eddie's words choke his throat and it only comes out as a wheeze. He has to get help. "H-Hen! Chimney!
"God, Buck. Hold on, okay? You'll be okay, baby. Hold on for me, please." He begs, his shaky hands brushing the dirty blonde curls out of Buck's forehead with as much gentleness as Eddie's capable of. "Hold on for me, please."
"Jesus, Buckaroo." Chimney shocked voice comes near them as him and Hen approach the ambulance.
A sound between a groan and a whimper leaves Buck's lips and he slowly blinks his eyes a few times, his blues staring up blankly at the air
"You're gonna be fine." Eddie assures him and slides next to his side to take his hand in his.
-
Transferring Buck onto a board is tricky, and slow. Too slow, Eddie thinks, as they're wasting precious time. But he stays at Buck's side, holding his hand. Even when the blonde moans in pain, Eddie holds his hand through it. When Buck loses consciousness once again, Eddie keeps holding his hand.
It reminds him of that fatal day when Buck got trapped under a fire truck, and all Eddie could do was watch and hold his hand. And pray. And he's never liked praying; never really believed in it. But Buck was trapped under a truck and then the tsunami happened, Buck collapsed on Athena's backyard, and now he's bloody and unconscious and Eddie's holding his hand. And Eddie's praying because he needs Buck to be okay, he needs him to stay alive.
-
Eddie sits there, in the waiting room, his mind going a mile an hour with the worst case scenarios. What if Buck doesn't make it out alive? What if the surgery is not enough to save him? What if they save him but his brain is too far gone anyway?
What if? What if?
It's driving him insane, as he tries to picture a future without Buck. A world where Evan Buckley doesn't exist.
Eddie hates it.
"Some people don't know what they have until it's gone." That's a phrase that Eddie's heard a thousand times. And maybe for him it was true once, when he didn't appreciate Shannon enough or when he ran to war without thinking of what he could lose.
But now— Now Eddie knows. He never took Buck for granted, always grateful for the man's presence in his life.
And when the ambulance— When Eddie held Buck's bloody hand in his, remembering every other trauma they've been through, he held on and could only look helplessly as Buck fought for his life.
Isn't that worse? To know what you're losing? To know the 'what could have been'?
As he thinks of Buck dying, Eddie thinks it is worse. So much worse.
"Eddie." Hen's voice is gentle, soft and caring. Eddie thinks he might break, he doesn't deserve gentleness. Not when Buck saved him. Not when Eddie didn't save him back. Buck could die and Eddie is just fine. Physically, at least.
He doesn't even have bruised ribs, for God's sake. How is that fair?
"Eddie." Hen repeats.
"I never told him." Eddie blurts out, voice hoarse and low but feeling too loud anyway in the tense silence of the waiting room. He looks down to his hands, he's washed them earlier but somehow he can still see the blood in them. Buck's blood.
He thinks his hands will always be bloody.
He can feel the team's eyes on him but Eddie's keeps staring down.
"I never told Buck I'm in love with him." Eddie whispers, the confession falling from his lips and to the wrong ears. "And now he might— Buck might—"
Buck might die and he'll never know.
Eddie can't say those words out loud but they're playing on a painful loop in his mind.
It's true. Eddie's in love with Evan Buckley. He's known for a while now but was too much of a coward to say anything, to do anything.
He didn't want to lose him.
And now he might lose him anyway, but Buck won't know that he's loved and cared for.
Everything is silent, no one knows what to say. Eddie gets it, his heart ripped open and raw in that stupid waiting room as Buck fights for his life in surgery.
Eddie's chest feels tight, too tight. He can't breathe, his head hurts and there's unshed tears burning behind his eyes.
"Eddie."
He feels a hand on his shoulder, squeezing him.
"He's—"
"He's a fighter." Hen interrupts him, still too gentle. "He'll be fine."
Eddie really hopes so.
-
When Eddie enters the room and he sees Buck lying on that hospital bed with a bandage around his head and cables all around him, he feels relieved. Because he's breathing, his heart is still beating and it's the most beautiful sound Eddie's ever heard.
But. But—
He also feels rage. A surprising, devastating wave of rage floods through his veins.
Because Buck saved him. Buck saved him. But Eddie never asked him to.
"You think you're expendable." Eddie has said, almost two years ago.
And then he realizes—
Buck still does.
He still thinks he's expendable.
And God, Eddie's so mad at him.
Eddie sits in the too uncomfortable hospital chair next to Buck's bed and stares at the blonde.
What am I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do if you have died? Eddie wonders, frowning.
"Please don't leave me." Eddie whispers, voice thick with emotions, tightening his hand around Buck's and sliding a finger across the inside of his wrist to feel for a pulse as an extra reassurance. "Please."
-
Buck takes two days to wake up. Two whole days where Eddie feels like he's slowly dying.
Two whole days where Eddie stays next to Buck, except when he needs to take Chris to and from school. But other than that, Eddie sits there and waits.
He waits, with Buck's hand in his.
And then— He wakes up and he's fine. He remembers everything and the doctors say they can't find anything wrong with his brain. He's got bruised ribs and bruises all over his face.
But he's fine. Buck will be fine.
Eddie feels relieved.
And then—
“Why did you do it?” Eddie can’t stop himself from blurting out.
“You know why.” Buck answers, calmly.
"You could've died, Evan!" Eddie bursts out, then visibly restrains himself. He reaches up and brushes his palm over his mouth before pointing a finger at Buck. "You could have—"
"What? I could have what? Saved myself? There was no time! I just reacted instinctively and I'm glad I did. Because you're okay and you're safe."
"What about you, huh? What about you?"
Haven’t they been through enough? Hasn’t Buck given enough? Eddie thinks he has. The damn idiot with a heart too big for his own good. Fuck, Eddie loves him so much and he's still so angry.
He's terrified. The mental image of Buck unconscious and bloody burnt into his mind. It’s all he can see. All he can think about. The sheer terror, desperation and powerlessness he felt in that moment.
Is the universe holding a grudge against Eddie so big that he’s doomed to watch the man he loves nearly die in front of him over and over again until it destroys him completely?
"I'm fine." Buck answers and if the man weren't in a hospital bed, Eddie would punch him to knock some sense into him. (No, he wouldn't.)
"You could've died." Eddie says, his jaw clenched with strain.
'But I didn't."
"You're not expendable, Evan. When are you gonna get it through that thick head of yours that I need you? That Christopher needs you?"
"Eddie—"
"You saved me! And you— Why didn't you jump out of the ambulance? Why didn't you—?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it upset you, but— I'd do it again." Buck says, calm and soft. “I would walk through literal fire everyday of my life if that means I get to keep you safe, Eddie.” He tilts his head, smiling slightly. A small, private smile. "I have your back, remember?"
"You're an asshole, you know?" Eddie lets out a shaky, bitter laugh, a tear rolling down his cheek.
"But you love me anyway." Buck smirks, teasing and joking.
"I do." Eddie replies, honest and soft. "I really do."
"Eddie." Buck gasps, big blue eyes staring into warm brown. A wash of emotions passing over Buck's face, flickering so fast Eddie can't even process what Buck is thinking.
“Is that okay?” Eddie mumbles, painfully vulnerable. His eyes are wide and staring into Buck's, swallowing thickly and finally forcing himself to step closer.
Closer and closer until, if he leans down just a little bit, he could kiss Buck.
Buck, with a ridiculously fond smile on his face, looking as beautiful as ever even under the fluorescent lights of the hospital, "Yeah, Eddie, it is." he murmurs.
Eddie reaches out, fingers dancing along Buck's jaw. "I've wanted to kiss you for years. God, Buck. You have no idea."
"I might have some idea." Buck says, voice wavering on the words. His hand coming up and settling on Eddie's neck, his thumb caressing the man's cheek with such tenderness that Eddie still doesn't think he deserves. "Kiss me."
And Eddie does, leaning forward and pressing his lips against Buck's. Their lips slot together in perfect synchrony, and Eddie feels the swell of happiness burst in his chest until every cell in his body is coated with sheer adoration.
Eddie doesn't believe in the magic and sparks of a first kiss but with Buck, it's close. It's sparks flying but also the peacefulness you feel when you get home after a long day. It's soft and tender, something that Eddie didn't think he was capable of until Buck.
They kiss long and slow; mouths parting and then chasing each other as if they can't bear to not be intimately touching. Eddie's careful not to lean in too much, mindful of Buck's ribs.
"I love you, too, by the way. Just in case that wasn't obvious." Buck says, his lips brushing against Eddie's.
Eddie smiles, feeling soothed and comforted in a way he hasn't felt in a long time. His love for Buck bursting in his chest as he kisses him again.