Chapter Text
The universe was a mean old bitch with a fucked-up sense of humour. And today was the definite proof for it. Hell, the last three years had been definite proof for it. Because what else could explain this shit except for too many people saying: Well, at least it can’t get any worse! And the Universe hearing that and thinking: Hold my fucking beer! And the proceeding to fuck shit up even worse just for the fun of it!
Okay, perhaps that was a bit melodramatic, but right now, Elena was feeling really melodramatic. And pissed. Definitely pissed. Her day had started out the usual way, by shoving an oversized Q-tip up her nose and churning about until she had to sneeze and then a little more just for good measure, before sitting there, waiting for 15 minutes, hoping that second red line won’t appear today. It didn’t. Not that she really had expected it to, but well, tests were mandatory and so she did them. Every single morning. Because some clown had decided it was a good idea. A little later she drove to work, listening to daily horror show called news, wondering when the hell the world had gone that crazy, before skipping the news and instead listening to some good old Bon Jovi. Thank goodness for that man or else she’d lose her mind. Work itself, fortunately, had brought only the usual madness she was getting rather good at handling, and as every so often, she had even learned a new word. All things considered, she wasn’t feeling too bad when she had gotten home, even managed to motivate herself to get a little head start on tomorrows work.
So how the hell did she get from her living room to here? Wherever the fuck here was! Because there sure as hell were no trees in her apartment, no bushes, no grass, and no fucking forest. And most definitely no other people!
“Please put the knife down!”
Not in a million years! Granted, holing a guy hostage with his own knife, while her hands were, quite literally, tied, was perhaps not the most intelligent thing to do, but whatever. That’s what she was doing right now, so that’s how it was. He, of course, was not particularly happy about this, seeing as there was a knife at his throat, held there by a pissed off lady.
“How about we all calm down a bit? Take a step back. Talk this out. No?”
Neither Elena, nor the woman, who’d been telling her to take the knife down, were particularly inclined to follow his request. The third person, however, gladly did, and went to cower behind a tree, safely out of her reach.
“Who the hell are you!? What do you want!? What the fuck is going on!?”
“Listen, you’re scared, I get that. Believe me, that feeling is mutual right now. But we don’t want to hurt you. Please don’t hurt me.”
“Oh yeah? Then why are my hands tied? Why am I here! Where the fuck even is here!”
“We can’t really answer that, I’m sorry, I wish we could. But we found you like this. About ten minutes ago. You were unconscious and your hands were already tied. We don’t know how or why you’re hear.”
For about a moment, Elena contemplated what the woman was saying, then decided she had no reason to believe a single word she said.
“Right. Sounds totally legit. Or… you kidnapped me and now that I have a knife you want me not to get mad at you so I don’t slit his throat.”
“We would very much like you to not slit my throat, yes! Thank you very much!”
If she weren’t that pissed, she might have actually found this whole situation hilarious. But well, maybe tomorrow. If she’d manage to live that long.
“You Russian? That it?”
From behind his tree, the second man peaked out his head, looking at her dumbfounded.
“Why would the Russians kidnap you?”
“Well, I don’t know. Why would the Russians do anything? Cause they lost every last ounce of reality, maybe?”
Or perhaps she had. Maybe she had gone mad. Would make about as much sense as this entire situation.
“We’re not Russian.”
“Wait!”
Again, the man peaked out behind his tree, looking even more confused now.
“How’d you know about Russia?”
“What the…?”
Nope. That made so no sense. She wasn’t even… just no!
“So, who are you, then?”
“I’m Teyla Emmagan, the man over there is Dr Rodney McKay, and the man whose life you’re threating is Lieutenant John Sheppard.”
Well fuck!
“Lieutenant? Ugh! What military?”
“I’m a pilot”
“That’s not what I fucking asked!”
The Lieutenant winced as the blade of his knife dug a little deeper into his skin, drawing a few drops of blood.
“He is Tau’ri!”
“What country, for fucks sake! What country are you from!”
“United States of America!”
“Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck your stupid military, fuck your entire fucking country, fuck all of you! Just fuck! Of course, it is! Fucking US! Who else would go around randomly kidnapping people!”
“So, you know the States, too?”
This time the Dr Something didn’t even peak his head out, instead just chose to yell his question from his relative safety.
“Fucking wish I didn’t.”
“Where… where are you from?”
This was getting ridiculous. Well, more ridiculous than it had been before.
“Shouldn’t you know? Or are you too fucking dumb to know who you kidnapped?”
“Hey, lets not get angry-er. Okay? We didn’t kidnap you from anywhere. We have no idea who you are or where you’re from. So, maybe, if you told us, we could figure this whole thing out and all get home alive?”
Trying to calm down, Elena loosened her grip on the knife just a little. It wouldn’t do any good if she accidentally murdered some American soldier, whether or not he deserved it, they never really took that well.
“Whatever. I’m from Germany.”
“Germany, Europe?”
The surprise once again got the scientist out of his hiding stop, even though just up to the nose.
“Good god, man! There’s never been a Germany not in Europe, moron!”
“There’s something I need to tell you. You won’t believe it, please don’t get mad.”
“Spit it out!”
“We’re not in Kansas anymore.”
She wasn’t gonna murder him, no no. Murder was bad. Even if it might be counted as self-defence. America didn’t take kindly to that in any way. Hell, they might try to put her away for war crimes if she killed that soldier.
“Sure, where are we, then? Oz? Middle Earth? Panem?”
“Pegasus Galaxy.”, came the helpful response from behind the tree. “But this planet doesn’t really have a name.”
“I am going un pocito loco, that’s what this is. Ich hab nicht mehr alle Tassen im Schrank. Nuts. Bonkers. Ne Schraube locker… Well done.”
“I can prove it.”
Lieutenant Hostage apparently didn’t like her rambling overly much. No wonder.
“How do you want to prove to me that we’re in another galaxy?”
“I’ll show you. If you… you know, could put down the knife?”
“Yeah, nice try. Don’t think so.”
“Okay. Okay. Then… how about…”
Slowly, he lowered one of his hands to his holster, from where he pulled his gun using only two of his fingers.
“I’m going to give you the gun, okay? Then I’ll untie your hands, yes? Here we go”
A little startled, Elena took the gun and watched him untie her hands, then stand still, waiting for her to react.
“John, are you sure this is wise?”
The woman, same as Elena, was seriously confused about what the soldier was doing. Giving someone, who was already threating you, another weapon was outright stupid.
“Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing. Her having the gun will make this a lot easier.”
“Easier to shoot you!”
“And then us!”
“No. Because you two will stay here. Me and – What’s your name?”
“Fuck you.”
“Me and… her will go on a little walk.”
“Your friend is right. This is stupid.”
Elena followed him anyways. Standing there wouldn’t achieve shit, but maybe this walk would. Or get her killed.
“So, what nice trap are you leading me into?”
“No trap. I’m going to show you our… vehicle. And then prove to you that we’re not on earth.”
“Maybe its not me who’s loco, maybe it’s you. Or maybe I’m Manuel Neuer.” The last part got her a very confused look, but she hadn’t expected him to get the reference anyways, not considering she was hinting at a stupid German Coca Cola ad. ”
But when they arrived at said vehicle a few minutes later, Elena had to admit that this was definitely nothing she’d seen before. Looking at the weirdest cylindric whatever she could only turn to the soldier, hoping he’d explain.
“That’s our shuttle. We call it a puddle jumper, or short jumper… you’ll see why in a bit.”
“Shuttle as in space shuttle as in Space. Shuttle?”
“Yes.”
“Sure. Right. And how long has the US had the technology for interplanetary travel and just not shared it with the rest of the world?”
“Oh, the Stargate program started in 1994. But the UN knows about this. Atlantis has lots of Nationalities.”
While Elena was trying to get that all in her head, Lieutenant Hostage had sat down in the cockpit, motioning her to join him. Once she did, he started the shuttle, quickly ascending into the atmosphere and soon breaking through it, coming to a halt in orbit above the planet.
“As you can see, that’s not earth.”
“Space…”
Over the course of the last couple of years, Elena had seen some crazy shit and personally, she’d say she had delt with it pretty well. But this was just too much. She was in space, in a space shuttle, above another planet in a whole ‘nother freaking galaxy! Nope. Nu uh… not happening. This was not real. She was mad. Yes, mad. Mad as a hatter. Entirely mad. Yes. That’s what she was. Mad. Because the alternative was being in space. Fucking space! Fucking space…
“This is completely insane.”
One moment, Elena had been just about to start hyperventilating, now she was surprisingly calm. Fucking space.
“A little, yes.”
“I’ve been dreaming about visiting the stars since… forever. I can’t believe I’m actually in space. Fucking space, man! This is amazing.”
“oh, this is nothing. Wait till you see a nebular!”
“And you… you just do this every day?”
Soldier-man looked at her a little astonished. Just a second ago he’d expected her to have a panic attack, instead she was now conversing with him like this was just another Tuesday. Which either meant, she was actually mad, or she had seen madder things before. Either way, it confused him.
“Not really. My job is to keep scientists like McKay alive while they explore the galaxy.”
“Pegasus Galaxy, hu? That… isn’t that one of the satellite galaxies of Andromeda? That’s, what, 3 million light years from earth?”
“I don’t actually know, and yeah, something like that.”
“That’s a long way from home.”
“It really is, yeah. You ready to go down again?”
“You mean, will I stop threating to kill you if we do? Yeah. No more death threats for now.”
To her surprise, the soldier chuckled quietly as he brought the shuttle back down to the ground, where McKay and the woman already waited.
“You believe us now?”
“I believe you that we’re not on Earth anymore. Not so sure about your involvement of my being here.”
“That we can sort out back in Atlantis. But before we bring you there, will you tell us your name now?”
“Elena Abraham. What was yours again?”
“John Sheppard, Teyla Emmagan and Rodney McKay.”
“Right. Cool. What’s Atlantis.”
“Our … base.”
“That sounds ominous. Let’s go.”