Work Text:
“Invisibilia,” said a vampire, a wizard, and Robin Hood before they mounted brooms and sped off across the Hogwarts’ grounds. Nearing a brightly-lit, muggle school, they pulled into a shadow to stash their brooms. “Oof, get off my foot Fred,” said Ginny. “That wasn’t me! said Fred, blaming George as usual. They snuck around the side, joining the line waiting to go into the Halloween Dance.
“Thanks again for the costume help.” Said Fred.
Ginny rolled her eyes, “You know I only did it so you’d bring me along. For yours I got a set of Dumbledore’s robes from the laundry and shrunk them down. The ideal wizard as far as muggles are concerned. I still think you should have grown a beard.”
“Absolutely not,” said Fred, “once is enough for this decade!”
~~~~~~~~~
At the end of an amazing night for the Weasleys they tried out some new fireworks to impress their friends. Unfortunately it didn’t go well, so the students scattered, screaming. Rushing away, they forgot their invisibility charms.
They were flying back when suddenly, they were grabbed by a tractor beam and pulled upward into a large round flying machine. “Fred?” Said George, “what the fuck is this?” “No idea,” he whispered back.
Two bizarre looking creatures moved towards them. The Weasley’s jaws dropped. “Is that…?” Said Ginny. “Nah, can’t be, he isn’t green is he?” replied George. “They certainly look like the Giant Squid in a bubble head charm and corset,” pondered Fred.
The beings moved closer. “Greetings Earthlings. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.”
“You, you speak English” said Ginny, nervously.
“I’m actually speaking Rigelian. By coincidence our languages are exactly the same,” it said. “We are Kang and Kodos. We would like to improve relations with Earth by offering you a free vacation under the suns of Rigel.”
“Sorry, we’re not interested,” said Ginny, “We’ve got a quidditch match in a few days.”
“What is this?” Kodos asked
“Quid-itch,” Ginny said again. She showed them the brooms and explained about needing to beat the Slytherins.
The aliens were delighted. “These brooms as you call them are a very primitive version of a transportation device that we use. Kodos here knows something of their engineering and could help you improve them on-board. Once we arrive you could work with more specialized engineers.”
The Weasleys instantly huddled-up… Kang and Kodos heard only snippets of conversation like “house cup…. Be rich…” and “harpies.” “We’d love to help you improve Earth-um, alien relations” said George.
“Foolish humans.” Said Kang to Kodos as they waved their tentacles about and grinned evilly. But the Weasleys didn’t notice, dreaming of quidditch success.
Time flew by with trying new broom designs and lots of eating. The food was all very tasty but also very fatty. The aliens would often encourage them to eat more. Ginny noticed her tight clothes and Kodos brought her a new set that was 2 sizes too big. Ginny found that odd.
In search of healthy food, Ginny headed to the kitchen and noticed the cookbooks were all written in a symbol-type language. She started working on a translation spell while munching on some veggies.
After a few days, Ginny’s spell had come a long way. Fred threatened to cut her out of the broom patents because she spent so much time on it. But, she beat their asses in practice and he changed his mind. She noticed how they had grown potbellies and it made them slower.
One day, Ginny was back looking at cookbooks. Shocked, she found one titled “Human Addiction”. She rushed to show her brothers, “I think they’re going to eat us!”
“Ginny,” Fred said, “of course not. They’re our buddies!” Just then, Kodos came to see how the brooms with more lift for heavier players were working out.
“Are you planning to eat us?” George asked.
”No!” said Kodos. “This untranslated symbol here means to serve. So the book is actually about serving food to humans.” Everyone but Ginny breathed a sigh of relief!
However, the next time she tried her translation spell the book title was: Serving Humans: Addiction to Eating Aliens Vol 1! The Weasleys attacked but were thrown in cages. Surrounding them were various aliens: tall, short, many limbs, others slug-like. The smell was overwhelming! “We’re stuck here!” George said.
Meanwhile….
“What’s that noise?” Harry asked, pulling away from his date.
“Nobody needs you to save them, I’m sure.” She replied, trying to resume kissing.
He looked out from the astronomy tower. “There!” He points. “It looks like Fred, George and Ginny are getting sucked into that UFO!” And he took off, leaving her unimpressed.
Harry headed to the Gryffindor common room to find Ron and Hermione. They were alarmed and they headed out to the field where their friends were kidnapped. “Oh no, they’re lost!” cried Hermione. They trudged back to the castle in despair.
The next day they were discussing the events with their friends when Luna said, “it’s obvious, just use magic to go after them.”
Seamus says “I’ve got everything you need in the media room.” The media room is a kind of Faraday cage that keeps magic out so Hogwarts can have access to muggle electronics. The friends spend the next 3 days bingeing on sci-fi shows from Seamus’ collection. Well, Hermione also insisted on some Challenger videos.
The next night, the five friends met in the field.
“OK,” Hermione said. “Let’s do it.” All together they lifted their wands and said “forma erucae” (form rocket), while imagining rockets. Not much happened.
“Wait, Seamus, don’t you have a figure of the Challenger? Wouldn’t it be easier if we started with that?” Asked Harry. “Accio Challenger!” He called. However, rather than a toy from the open window above, they heard a large crash to the south. Suddenly, a life sized rocket was flying towards them! “Oy,” said Seamus “that must’av come from the Scottish Science museum!”
Harry made it land and went inside. The friends followed, finding it very squishy, unlike on TV. Hermione cast the extension charm so they all had a bit more room.
“Ago” cast Harry recklessly, and the rocket took off, startling the Hogwarts' thestrals.
“What are you doing?” Asked everyone else.
“Let’s fly!” He grinned back at them
A few more charms and they were able to run the rocket just fine.
“Well, let’s go get my family!” Said Ron.
“Yes I’d love to leave this second Ron, but shouldn’t we have food and water with us? We don’t know how long this will take. And anyways, how are we going to find them?” Said Hermione thoughtfully.
Harry and Luna accio’d food and water from the kitchens while Hermione paced, thinking. Suddenly she ran off, coming back a while later with a quill, parchment and Hedwig.
“Why…?” Asked Harry.
“You’ll see,” she replied. Harry cast the flying charm again, they loaded on board and Hermione tied a letter to Hedwig’s leg. She flew straight up!
“The letter’s to Ginny, of course,” said Luna, “nice one.”
They took off. The sky was a caldron filled with diamonds above them.
“I wish we could test the space-worthiness…” fretted Hermione
“Ahh, no worries luv,” said Ron “they never do on TV.”
As they noticed Hedwig change direction a bit to the side they followed her. Once they were comfortable they tried various charms to speed up and catch the other ship.
A few days later they could see the alien ship getting closer. “Now what?” Asked Ron
Sci-fi came through again, they conjured themselves some stunning blasters and a tube to connect the ships while traveling at sub-light speeds.
The five teens burst on board and caught Kang and Kodos unaware, stunning them.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” They cried.
The teens hunted through the ship. The sterile white corridors rang with their footsteps but they easily stunned aliens in true cheesy TV style.
Opening the door to the brig Ron called out “Oy, what IS that smell?”
“Ron?” Called out Fred in disbelief, “what are you doing here?”
“Rescuing you gits, obviously” said Ron, “where are the keys?”
Once they were free, the Earthlings had a conference outside the brig.
“What we do ‘bout the prisoners then?” Asked Seamus.
“We have to let them out of course,” said Harry and Hermione nodded.
“Well there is the problem that they could overwhelm us and eat us.” Pointed out Fred. Ginny and George nodded.
“Why don’t we ask them?” Said Luna, who promptly opened the door and said “Hello fellow beings! Would you like to be freed and taken back to Earth on a magic spaceship?” It took a few tries and demonstrations of making pink elephants come out her wand, but the answer was freed, yes, magic spaceship, no.
The heroes stunned the prisoners, unlocked the doors and went home.
Epilogue
The Weasleys made a fortune in broomsticks for heavy people. Hagrid got the first one.