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"Ming-xiong, do you know what day it is?"
It was his birthday, for both of them. Not that Shi Qingxuan knew or needed to know it also was He Xuan’s birthday, it would have been one of the many secrets He Xuan had. Forced to lie to him until his vengeance, his only life purpose, his biggest achievement. Forced by himself to lie to the person he had learned to love, whom he had known day after day and from whom he would no longer want to part of, but this was not possible. Not in this life or any other.
"After all this time, are you still celebrating it?"
Shi Qingxuan smiled and placed a finger on his lips, tilting his head and winking at He Xuan with an amused expression. He Xuan gritted his teeth, clenching his jaw.
“Of course not but I want to celebrate it with you. I want to spend this day with you, my Ming-xiong. We should do something today. "
"We’re always together," He Xuan murmured, placing his middle and index finger on Shi Qingxuan’s forehead, pushing him a little to make him move away.
“I know, I know… but we should do something special. Together! Just you and me, Ming-xiong. That would be fun."
Shi Qingxuan laughed, covering his mouth with one hand and then resting his head on He Xuan's shoulder, wrapping his arm around the other’s arm and closing his eyes with a satisfied and almost blissful expression.
He Xuan felt a pang in his heart; a heart that hadn't been beaten for centuries, a memory of a distant time where a flourishing future had been stolen from him. A life that had become only suffering and resentment, with a visceral rage that had devoured, swallowed and spat back into what he was. Yet he now felt his heart tear and bleed, throbbing for that smile. For the boy who unknowingly was part of a plot that had destroyed his soul until it was reduced to small pieces, so many pieces that it would not have been possible to bring them together. He would never be the same again, he was just a hollow ghost of what he used to be. A barely audible echo of that man.
"What would you like to do, then?"
"We could go and buy some new robes, some new hanfu."
He Xuan raised an eyebrow and looked at Shi Qingxuan almost exasperated, shaking his head. He snorted and remained silent for a moment, waiting for the other to say some of his bullshit.
"I know what you're thinking, that there is no need but I thought it could be like a-"
"This is just an excuse to waste your money."
"This is just an excuse to have a date with you."
The Wind Master raised his head towards the other, smiling sweetly. He laughed again and then put an arm on his forehead in a dramatic way.
"Ming-xiong wouldn't be so wicked to refuse the birthday boy's request."
Shi Qingxuan had no idea how evil He Xuan could be.
He would find out very soon. He Xuan could grant Shi Qingxuan another sweet little lie. Pretending the part he had decided to play in that role. Lying to himself and pretending that they really had a future together, that Shi Qingxuan really loved him. That he knew him and accepted him, that the smiles he made were really for him. For He Xuan, not ‘Ming-xiong’.
He Xuan selfishly took advantage of those moments knowing that he didn't deserve it, that they wouldn't last, that it would be the cause of his greatest pain. Shi Qingxuan was a secondary victim as he had been at the time.
Their destiny was intertwined, chained to each other by another person, destined to play their part in a tragic story that could only end in one way. There wasn’t any happy ending.
He Xuan could have given up on his revenge, that was true, but he would not have done something like that. The vengeance already consumed him too much, reducing He Xuan to its own carcass. Annihilating him. He had set himself only one goal in his existence and nothing and no one could stop him. It had always been like that; once he put something on his mind he would not hold back and continued on his way until the completion of his work. And he had studied that plan in detail, he had waited patiently and he had embroidered a net from which Shi Wudu could not escape. This was He Xuan’s closure.
If this was the price to pay, it didn't matter. He Xuan had been devoured by his desire for vengeance, all that was left of him. Shi Qingxuan was an innocent victim who had ended up in the midst of something bigger than himself without knowing it, just like him. He couldn't afford to feel pity or pain for Shi Qingxuan.
He had to stop his heart from beating again in his chest. For He had forgotten what it meant to be happy, how he felt about it. It was now a foreign feeling. A memory that had been annihilated, leaving only room for something darker. There was no room for that faint and little light. The sun could not reach the depths of the ocean. Even the little sunshine that Shi Qingxuan was, it could ever brighten the black water submerging boats.
He Xuan would have granted Shi Qingxuan's request. He would have celebrated his birthday. Their birthday.
"I want to go get something to eat."
Shi Qingxuan immediately smiled and squeezed the other man's arm, laughing happily and innocently.
He looked at He Xuan with a soulful look. He was bursting with love, He Xuan could see it, he could feel it.
Shi Qingxuan couldn't help himself, he was too excited. He couldn't hide it, Shi Qingxuan was proud of that feeling, he had no reason to hold back. Nobody could contain the wind.
He Xuan looked at him and stroked his head, taking a lock of his hair and fixing it behind Shi Qingxuan’s ear
He Xuan looked at him again, his heart screaming desperately to listen to him, to follow him and leave the spiteful path he had taken. To give both of them a chance. Only one last chance.
Shi Qingxuan stood on tiptoes and placed his lips on He Xuan’s pale cheek, just for a moment. Shi Qingxuan blushed but he had a determined look on his face, he put his fingers on his mouth without being able to stop himself from smiling like a kid. At that point He Xuan bent down and kissed him, sucking his lower lip, and kept a hand on the back of his neck to keep him from moving away. Shi Qingxuan belonged to him, only to him.
And he could pretend they were happy, it was just another lie.
"... I'm sorry."
"And what good is your apology?"
It was too late. There was no redemption, each of them had their own faults, even Shi Qingxuan's ignorance. His innocence, even if ironically, was another great cause of that tragedy. He Xuan passed from victim to executioner. Finally he would have his revenge, the circle of pain and resentment would be broken because there would be nothing left of it. The story ended that way, with the three of them as protagonists and antagonists.
He Xuan had no use of Shi Qingxuan's apologies, even begging him would not change the past. Justice had already been reshaped once by Shi Wudu. And what He Xuan wanted could be called wrong, but that didn't matter either. None of this mattered. All three had a role to follow, every action that was done had consequences, puppets and masters.
Yet a small part of He Xuan resisted, endures. It whispered in his ear that perhaps, perhaps , he could have taken another path, that all was not lost. He could give up on his vengeance, it wasn't true that there would be nothing left of him if he didn't accomplish what he called his only and ultimate purpose of his existence.
He Xuan had the proof that he could try to be happy, despite everything. That most likely he would have succeeded. It had been a choice to spend so much time with Shi Qingxuan, to satisfy him in every little request of his, to follow him everywhere. Use a female form just to keep him company, make him happy. And that smile, Shi Qingxuan's smile was also his own happiness. A small spark that had illuminated a place that was for a long time as dry and gloomy as his chest.
He could always pull back. Stop in time, putting up a barrier that could not have been overcome but he had lowered his defenses on his own free will.
He had chosen to fall in love with Shi Qingxuan. Finding every possible excuse to spend more time with him, putting aside his revenge, wanting more and more of Shi Qingxuan.
He wanted something he couldn't have, someone he didn't deserve.
If only––
“MING-XIONG! MING-XIONG! I'm SORRY, I'm SORRY I'm SORRY I'm SORRY I'm SORRY I'm SORRY I'm SORRY! WE'RE THE ONES WHO SINNED! WE'RE THE ONES WHO ARE WRONG. IT'S MY FAULT! MY BROTHER ONLY DID WHAT HE DID BECAUSE OF ME. MY BROTHER'S GONE MAD, HE'S CRAZY CAN'T YOU SEE IT ! I… YOU… YOU…
"You've called the wrong person."
And that was the truth after all. Shi Qingxuan had no idea who He Xuan really was. The person he claimed to love did not exist, a reflection of someone He Xuan had once been. Someone he could have become if only his destiny had not been taken away from him. Torn and thrown away for someone else's selfishness.
The worst part was that he also partly understood why Shi Wudu had done it; it was only natural to want to protect someone like Shi Qingxuan. It was natural to love someone like him and be willing to risk anything. He too had loved his family and knew what it meant to lose someone. Losing everything.
The victim of that lie, however, was also He Xuan, he realized that the only one who was really in love was himself.
With that realization, he calmed down. There was nothing for them, they wouldn't even have known each other, if only things had gone as they should have. This was not their story.
He ignored Shi Qingxuan's screams, his pleas, everything. When he beheaded Shi Wudu, however, he did not feel any satisfaction, although he had finally made his revenge, he felt nothing but a bitter aftertaste. No gratification in finally accomplishing his holy endeavor. Shi Qingxuan's desperate voice echoed in his ears, and that was the only thing he heard.
He felt even bigger emptiness in his chest than when he had decided to pretend to be Ming Yi.
He Xuan gave the fan back to Shi Qingxuan. After breaking it, he fixed it and placed his ashes in it. Maybe that way Shi Qingxuan could take his revenge if he wanted to. Theirs was a story of retribution and punishment.
He Xuan almost hoped that his love would break the fan by accident. Whatever would be fine, he would accept any punishment. Doomed by the beautiful and delicate hands of Shi Qingxuan. He deserved it, after all. It was all his fault.
He cursed that beautiful being to a mortal life, a crippled mortal. Shi Qingxuan didn't seem to mind it or consider that it was a burden. Yet, he seemed the same as always, he still appeared happy and continued to smile as before. To be loved. He was the lovely and handsome person he met the first time.
Shi Qingxuan was made that way. It was impossible not to love him.
His ashes, his existence, his heart, belonged to Shi Qingxuan. He Xuan hadn't told him, he hadn't even given him back the fan in its original form but looking like a Hua Cheng clone. He had been a coward till the very end. Failing to show how much he still cared about him. How much he loved the other one, how much he adored Shi Qingxuan. He Xuan loved him and he would continue to love him until the end of his existence. And he was hoping to die under Shi Qingxuan's hands. If not, he would have destroyed the fan himself after Shi Qingxuan's death.
"Did you think I wouldn't have noticed you were keeping an eye on me? I know, I'm stupid but not to this point."
He Xuan looked up, meeting the other's eyes. He frowned and lowered his head almost in a gesture of shame
"You don’t want to talk to me? Do you hate me so much?"
He Xuan didn't hate him, he never did. He had never even blamed the other, he had given him several chances to get away.
He Xuan shook his head and closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, Shi Qingxuan was looking at him with a little melancholy smile. On the verge of tears, a broken laugh escaped his mouth.
“You keep coming to me without talking, without telling me anything. Do you want to remind me what I did? I know that I have hurt you and that you will never forgive me."
"That’s not the truth," He Xuan murmured at that point, he seemed to want to say more but closed his mouth.
"Don't lie to me, He Xuan."
And that was the first time he had called him by name. The first time He Xuan heard the way Shi Qingxuan called his name. He Xuan widened his eyes and swallowed hard.
He wasn't lying, he didn't need to lie anymore, he would never do it again. There were no other secret machinations. His revenge had left him nothing but loneliness.
“I'm not stupid, I know you think I am, and I am! I am. But I also know what you did, it was you who gave me back the fan, right? He Xuan…” his voice broke in his throat and a sob escaped him.
Now that Shi Qingxuan had said his name he didn't seem to want to stop repeating it. To point out that he actually knew He Xuan. He seemed to want to prove something to him.
"The fan– I'm delusional, I know but you– your ashes. If I know you, if I know you at least a little, I know that you... why? Is this a punishment? Are you playing with me? Do you want to break me over and over again? It's not enough that I love you? You killed my brother and I still love you, He Xuan."
And now he looked desperate, his eyes wide, his breathing heavy and his chest seemed like it was about to explode. His tone of voice was a whisper, like a feeble breeze.
Shi Qingxuan was leaning his body on the crutch, dressed in rags. So different but equally gorgeous in He Xuan's eyes.
"So you can get your revenge."
“Nonono , enough, enough revenge! What has this vicious circle led us to? We should have broken it. We could have... if you had told me... My brother would still be–"
Shi Qingxuan placed a hand in front of his mouth and closed his eyes knowing he had said the wrong thing. He Xuan clenched his fists and tilted his head, gave a nasty laugh but he regretted it immediately. He didn't want to hurt him, not anymore, not again
“He wouldn't be alive. I would have killed him anyway, his head would have ended up detached from his body either way."
"You took me literally, you finally decided to be totally honest, He Xuan."
"And you decided to call me by my name."
But this was certainly not Shi Qingxuan's fault, it was He Xuan who pretended to be someone else. He couldn't hold it against the other one. They both knew it.
“Did you give me your ashes to seek redemption and atonement or to punish me? Because you must know that I would never destroy them. Despite everything, I never would do such a thing to you. Despite everything, I love you. I love you, He Xuan. And you continue to play with my heart, haven't you had enough?"
He Xuan approached the boy with a few steps and took his wrist, without tightening it, looked into his eyes and brought his face close to his.
"Who said I'm playing?"
“What do you want from me, He Xuan? You've already taken everything," at that point Shi Qingxuan was crying, he leaned his head against the other's chest. “I don't blame you, I understand why you did it, I understand your reasons. I don't want us to get hurt anymore. Aren't you tired of all this?"
They remained in that position in silence. Shi Qingxuan was crying without making any sound as He Xuan watched him. At some point he lifted the other's wrist and brought it close to his lips and gave him a light kiss. He closed his eyes and rubbed his nose against his skin.
"You can do whatever you want with my ashes, they are yours. As I am."
Even if they wanted to, they could not ignore everything that happened. He Xuan had hurt him, it was not something that could be brush aside. They couldn't turn a blind eye and dismiss it and they wouldn't. They would have to struggle together and it would take time to fix it. Some things would never stop hurting, there are things that couldn't be erased but they both wanted the same thing.
Shi Qingxuan felt guilty for the feelings he felt about He Xuan, his brother's executioner. He couldn't ignore how he felt about the calamity. If there was even one chance for them he would have take it, he thought that He Xuan deserved at least a small piece of happiness and, if he could, he would have given it to He Xuan himself. Shi Qingxuan wouldn't have much time left now that he was mortal but he wanted to do whatever was in his power for the other. Shi Wudu had made a mistake, he had done it for his little brother, for the affection and love he felt for him but his big brother had ruined the life of an innocent one who could have ascended and become a great god. He knew it, he had seen how strong He Xuan was, how much potential he had.
"If that's what you want, I'll keep you," he whispered against He Xuan's chest.
"Oh. That time I didn't wish you a happy birthday."
"You can do it next time, Qingxuan."
"So we will celebrate together, He Xuan."
“It will be a date, then. You need a new hanfu.”
Shi Qingxuan's laughter echoed in the wind.