Work Text:
Failure.
Falling.
Flailing.
Absolutely helpless despite the boiling rage, the bared teeth, as you slammed into the earth. And still, left with no choice but to get back up again, dust on skin, blood beneath fingernails. It was far from unfamiliar to the Scout Regiment, and far from unfamiliar for Eren Jaeger. The last reclamation mission failed, to put it simply. Though few soldiers died, countless were wounded, and so, men and ammo alike had been wasted for nothing. Even Eren’s pulse was a miracle, the fact that he managed to be salvaged from the titan body was impressive considering by the time soldiers got to it it was a mangled mess of flesh and bone. Though his pulse was steady, his body was less so. Armin felt a dull pang through him, watching Eren in this state. To see Eren, someone who loathed defeat with an almost demonic rage barely managing a footstep before collapsing made him feel like some burning, vital spark had been stamped out. Eren’s eyes and hands were red, vengeful, but helpless all the same. Though he was unconscious now he didn’t seem at peace at all. He just looked dead. If it weren’t for the heat emitting from his skin and the faint pulsing of his neck, Armin would think he was holding a corpse.
Several horses ahead, Captain Levi rubbed his eyelids, exhausted at the lack of progress and quickly trying to calculate what to do next. A retreat had already been ordered, that was for sure. They would all need time to recover, and would reach one of the military’s residencies soon. However, he was starting to worry for the kid. Or at least worry more than usual, given Eren’s recklessness was a common occurrence. According to the reports of other soldiers, the bite wounds on Eren’s hands were still visible, and it had been hours now. His regeneration should have kicked in at this point. The rest of his body had been wrapped with cloth to preserve heat, but if his bite marks hadn’t healed, then what did that say for his other wounds? He remembered hours before, Eren wiping a stream of blood that suddenly gushed from his nose.
“Eren, are you alright?” Mikasa had asked.
“It’s nothing. Let’s continue with the mission.”
Well. That turned out just lovely.
“Updates on the kid?” Levi asked when Mikasa approached his horse from behind.
“Eren’s still alive, but there’s been no signs of healing yet.”
“Well, we’ll all rest up soon.” Levi said, in his most composed voice. The last thing he needed right now was for Mikasa, one of their best, to lose focus by worrying.
She rode closer to him, and he could hear her normally stoic voice creak. “How soon?”
He looked at her as reassuring as he could. “Soon enough. The kid’ll be alright. He’s being looked after right now, no?”
Mikasa nodded. “Yes. Armin’s watching over him.”
Levi thought Armin was a strange choice. A good kid, for sure, stayed out of trouble (unlike a certain someone) but he wasn’t exactly the first to come to mind when he thought of words like ‘protector’ or ‘strong’. But maybe Armin was a good fit for Eren, in ways he wouldn’t understand. After all, the two were inseparable ever since they’d enlisted. “I see. Surprised you’re not with Jaeger yourself right now.”
“I’ve got my own problems to deal with.” She gestured to her bandaged leg. “Besides, I’m needed to lead the troops now, and it’s not like me sitting beside him will make him heal faster. I’m sure Armin’s doing what he can. The sooner I can get us there, the better our chances are. The better his chances are.”
And they would have gotten there sooner, when the heavy clouds above finally gave in and the rain came down. They continued, but it was a slower speed than they were travelling at before. While Armin clutched onto Eren to ensure Eren wouldn’t fall out of the carriage, drops and trickles of rain splashed across Eren’s face, leaving clean streaks of skin across dirt and blood. Slowly, his eyelids fluttered open.
“Armin? What happened?” He said, his voice low and soft and weak.
Armin’s eyes lit up, relieved to hear him talking. “Eren! Here, put your hood on.” He pulled the scout uniform’s cloak cover over Eren’s head. “You’ll catch a cold.”
Eren sneezed, huddling closer to Armin, his head on Armin’s chest. “I guess the mission . . . didn’t work out again?”
Armin hesitated. “Listen, we shouldn’t talk about that now..”
“Then when? God, it’s not like we have infinite chances. I can’t believe I failed again.” A sudden cough came over him, and Armin quickly clutched onto him, steadying him to make sure he didn’t fall down. Blood from Eren’s mouth trickled down onto Armin’s hand.
Armin glared at him. “You want to know why you failed? It’s because you’ve been pushing yourself relentlessly with no breaks. I could be wrong, but it looks like your healing abilities will wear down after a while. So if you want to be helpful don’t be stupid. Nearly killing yourself won’t do any of us any good!” He felt tears spring to his eyes, and was thankful for the rain, as he quickly tried to blink them away. He hated looking weak, that never did him any good. But he couldn’t bear the thought of losing Eren, even though lately it seemed that he was forced to consider that thought nearly every day.
Eren’s eyes widened, their normal sea green shade looking much dimmer under the overcast sky. "You're right. I was being self-centred. Just acting without thinking." He shivered, leaning his head against Armin's shoulder. "And now you and Mikasa have to patch me up again. I guess I never learned, did I?"
Armin knew what he was talking about. How many times back in Shiganshina did Eren pick a fight that was more than he could take? He was a reckless idiot, that was true. But even so, there was something about that recklessness that pulled Armin to him like a magnet. A smile formed across his face without him even realizing it.
"Oh, quit brooding Eren." He lightly punched his arm. "Yeah, you being feisty has gotten you into a lot of trouble at times, but it's also saved me plenty of times too. And guess what? Patching you up isn’t much of a chore to me. So it’s fine.”
He sniffled. "Yeah okay. I guess I should quit my-" he sneezed. "moping."
Armin bit back his laughter. "I guess you really haven't changed, you still sneeze like a cat."
Finally, Eren smiled. "Oh, at least I don't sneeze as loud as you. You’re a damn earthquake. Remember that one time? You sneezed so loud your granddad thought it was a gunshot."
"Hey!” Armin said between laughter. “You promised not to talk about that again,” but he didn’t mind, really. It was good to see that despite everything Eren still hadn’t forgotten all those small, mundane things of years ago.
Eren laughed, but winced halfway. Armin's smile quickly faded. "Those wounds … they're not?"
He nodded.
“Yeah well, just stay alive a little longer. We’ll be there soon.” He wrapped his arms around Eren, holding him tightly, and by just a little, his shivering lessened.
Finally, they reached the Scout’s residency. The building was a modest one, a white brick exterior lined with dark wood, with small mesh-covered windows which glowed golden from the outside. When they entered, they were greeted with a gust of warm, clean air and were all assigned different rooms. Carefully, Armin helped Eren walk to their assigned room, hands clasped together, his weight leaning onto him as he half-walked, half-limped to their room.
Their place was much colder than the main hall, due to some previous resident having left the window open, but luckily there was still a stock of dry firewood near the fireplace, as well as a medical kit. That was good. Him and Eren had gotten injured numerous times back in Shiganshina, so he was a bit familiar with basic methods of cleaning, stitching and bandaging.
“It’s okay Armin, I can walk,” Eren said hoarsely. He let go of Armin’s shoulder, only to stagger and nearly lose balance before Armin quickly locked his arms around him, nearly stumbling under the weight.
“Careful. Let’s get you to bed, I’ll get a fire started, it’s freezing here.”
Armin carried him to his bed, carefully laying him down, and then kneeled towards the fireplace, chucking dry wood over the grey ash of what was left of the last use. He struck a match, and soon a blazing heat gushed over his face.
“Now. Let’s see those wounds. We might need to call a medic.” He said, placing an oil lamp on the nightstand.
“I don’t think . . . it’s that bad. I should be able to regenerate,” he wiped blood that dripped from his nose, “soon.”
“Yeah sure,” Armin took a cleaning rag from the kit and wiped Eren’s nose clean. “Let’s clean you up until then.”
Gently, Armin cleaned the dirt and blood that clung to his face. Then, he unbuttoned the blood-stained tunic. The wounds didn’t look fatal, and it seemed like his regenerative abilities, despite their decline, had still staved off some of the worser damage. Still, it was better to deal with them. Holding the oil lamp over the medical kit, he began to clean and bandage the wounds.
Eren strained his face, clearly doing his best to avoid grimacing.
You don’t have to play hero , he wanted to say. You can just be Eren, and that’s enough for me .
“I’m sorry if it hurts. You don’t have to hold it in, you know. Cuss it out if you want. I read that it makes it less painful, in a book somewhere…”
“No, that’s not it. It’s just . . . I wish my regeneration would kick in more. So we could finish the . . . auugh, finish the mission. Finally be free from the titans. Instead it’s all been halted now because I can’t heal quickly.”
You don’t have to play hero , he thought. But maybe I just don’t want you to. Maybe it’s just me being selfish. Erwin or Levi would probably have thought nothing of Eren’s injuries, if he was still capable of walking. But Armin just couldn’t stand it. Whether or not Eren was useful to the military meant nothing, absolutely nothing to him. He had always believed in being logical, in not letting emotions obscure his decisions. But he would gladly cut out his own eyes and go blind if that’s what Eren wanted. It kind of scared him.
“Well,” Armin said, adjusting a bandage, “if you rest, and don’t go off to fight titans when I blink, your regeneration will probably be back in no time. Besides, it's already staved off most of the worser damage. Your insides seem to be fine. Your regeneration probably started off healing your most vital wounds first. Anyways, we’re almost finished.” And he was. The grime and blood had all been rubbed clean, and the two wounds from the resulting debris had been sewn and bandaged. “Just one last thing. Your hand.”
“What about my hand?” Eren looked down at the bite wound. “Oh. Oh come on, Armin. You’re not really gonna bandage that now, are you? It’s just a bite mark.”
“We shouldn’t risk infection, and let’s not wear out your regenerative abilities any longer. Besides,” he said, ripping out a chunk of bandage. “It’s like I said. Patching you up isn’t all that much of a chore to me. There,” Armin smiled, clasping his fingers with Eren’s bandaged ones. “All cleaned up.”
Softly, Eren clasped his back. “Armin. Thank you. For everything.”
Armin blushed, looking away. “It’s no big deal. Besides, you and Mikasa are far more competent anyway . . .”
“No. No Armin. God, why don’t you ever see it? You’re not like anyone else. You still know how to see the beautiful things, you’re not hellbent on vengeance. Remember when we talked about the ocean? That’s one of the few things that keeps me moving forward. Your dream keeps me going.” Eren brought Armin’s hand to his cheek. “You hear me?”
Though it definitely wasn’t the first time, it always struck his core when Eren told him that no, he wasn’t useless. He blinked quickly before his emotions could crash down on him. “Yeah. I do. Now go change.” He threw the spare clothes the residency gave all of them, and pointed to Eren’s filthy tunic. “That’s hobo-wear. I’m gonna shower.”
Eren laughed. “Damn Armin, back talking now? Who are you calling a hobo?” He did his best impression of Jean, raising a fist, contorting his face to get that overly-macho douche look.
He rolled his eyes, biting back a laugh.
“It’s okay Armin, he’s mean anyway.”
He ruffled Eren’s hair, he was the only person who Eren allowed to do that. “Yeah, and so are you. No wonder the disguise passed that time.”
-
-
-
The warm shower water washed away all the dirt and sweat of the day, and the silence was a nice break from all the screams and explosions of the battlefield. The soft pitter-patter of the water hitting the shower floor helped to drain out all the residency noise to a faint, steady hum. He looked down at his arms and saw there were still some burn marks from pulling Eren out of the titan body. He’d deal with them later. After drying himself he quickly slabbed on some lotion from the medical kit and headed to bed, taking his notebook out of his bag. He’d become attached to it, it was one of his few possessions he’d manage to salvage back in Shiganshina. In it, he’d write down what he could remember from all those books he’d read about the world outside the walls, and draw what he’d imagine it all to look like too. Huge mountains, long rivers, birds soaring freely, unconfined. He loved to flip through and write in it whenever he felt overwhelmed, or when his mind started going into those spirals, it helped, even if it was only a little. He remembered the first time he got the book.
“Hey Eren! I just had the best idea! Let’s write a book together, about us, when we’ll go outside the walls!”
Eren’s eyes lit up, only to squint, as he cocked his head to the side. “But Armin, we can’t write.”
“It’ll be a picture book!”
He shook his head. Why think about that now? Eren was still here, and he was perfectly fine. No need to start remembering him like he’d already died.
Eren stuck his tongue out at him. “How can you sleep so early? You should go have some fun, it sure does sound . . . delightful downstairs.”
Downstairs, though muffled, you could make out the sounds of screeching chairs and Jean yelling at Sasha for stealing his bread.
“Blissfully so,” he snorted, doodling mindlessly in his notebook.
Eren turned around, leaning his face on his bandaged hand. “I hear they’ve got beer down there. Go, it might be fun.”
“I’m not really in the mood. Besides, you know I don’t like to drink. I get all red in the face, it's . . . embarrassing.”
Eren laughed. “Oh come on. I'm light-weight too, but I’d still do it.”
“Yeah, only because Jean would call you a bitch if you didn’t,” he teased.
“You know,” Eren said sleepily, “you honestly don’t look all that bad red-faced. Kind of cute. Careful though! Ymir might think you’re Historia and try to hit.”
Armin blushed, at being called cute. He looked down, and saw that he’d been drawing Eren this whole time without realizing it. “Yeah, thanks tons.”
“What I mean is, don’t feel obligated to stay here just because I’m” he sneezed, “sick.”
He shut his notebook. “I don’t. I’m just not in the mood, and tired. Good night, Eren. Don’t run off to fight titans while I’m asleep.”
Eren winked, pulling up his bed-covers. “Sweet dreams, and no promises.”
Blowing out the candlelight, Armin stared at the dark ceiling and tried everything he could to fall asleep, but all his mind could do was run in the same stupid spirals pathetically, over and over again. I should have done that, I shouldn’t have done that. It could be worse, it could be better. I’ve got to get stronger, braver. I don’t know how I made it this far, I should have . . . they all swirled together, like clouds gathering for a thunderstorm. Exhausted in every sense of the word, his eyelids finally fell, with nothing but these opaque, futile voices as a lullaby.
He hated this dream. No matter how many times he’d had it he just couldn’t wake up from it. Falling debris, footsteps like thunder, it all came back. Eren falling, falling away, gone, with nothing but his arm, and it's bloody stump remaining. Gone, gone gone gone. And what did he do? Nothing. Just as pathetic as usual. The screaming ensued, and it didn’t stop. Die die die why can’t I die? Why can’t I do something? He felt like he was going to freeze and turn to stone he felt like he was going to crumble and burst into flames he felt like the entire ground was going to shatter and fragment he felt like everything was taken, like everything was going to end.
When Armin woke up, his cheeks were wet, his eyes burned out, and Eren’s arms were around his chest.
“Oh thank God. You’re finally awake. It's over, Armin. The nightmare’s gone.”
“Eren, I-”
“Yeah I know. I tried to wake you up, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t stop crying either, and I had to do something . Looks like it worked.”
He got up, sitting on the bed’s edge, staring at his hands, they were his hands, he reminded himself. “I’m sorry Eren. I didn’t mean to wake you up, and trouble you. Usually, it’s not this bad and I can handle it myself.” He roughly wiped the tears from his cheeks, furious at himself. Sure, handling it meant crying silently until the hiccups went away, but what else could he do? The regiment already saw him as a burden, and he was in no rush to continue to give them proof. Not like he had to try.
“Armin. Please.”
He looked up at him. Maybe he was just shaken up, but his eyes were sort of pretty then. Deep green, like the shade of that steady, stable forest they’d often wander around in, back then.
“Shut up and stop talking about yourself like that. Okay? Your freakish genius has gotten us out of trouble more times than I can count. When will you get it? Around me, you don’t have to…”
“Play hero,” they said in unison. They both laughed softly then.
“Okay.” Armin saw that Eren was still clinging onto him. “You don’t have to … you can let go now. I’m awake.”
“Not until you stop shaking. Besides,” he said, huddling closer. “It’s also freezing in here. The fire went out, and I can’t find the matches anywhere.”
And for a moment, Armin leaned in to Eren, clasping Eren’s hand to remind himself that yes , Eren’s hand was there, and closing his eyes for a few moments before getting up to find the matches. It really did get cold here easily. “I think there’s a matchbox in my bag, hold on.” And sure enough, there were. After three flicks, Armin struck a flame, and watched as the small flame greedily devoured the firewood, blackening the edges, all consuming, all raging, as it lit up the small room. The noise of the dining hall was nonexistent, it was probably deep into the night at this point.
He could feel Eren looking at him.
“What? What did I do?”
“Nothing. It’s just . . . what could have been so bad to make you get like that?”
Armin looked away. “It’s no big deal. Besides, I’m not exactly the bravest cadet here anyways. It really doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me.”
Armin, for a moment, felt his heart skip. “It was one I’ve had before. More vivid than usual though. It was about . . . that time. When you got swallowed by the titan. I felt so paralyzed, and-”
Eren held his arm in both of his hands. “I will make sure you will never have to feel like that again. I promise.”
“Can you promise something else?”
“What?”
“That when all this is over you stop playing hero and just be you, Eren.”
“Okay, Armin. If you stop hating yourself and realize you’re the biggest hero, I’ll stop playing one.”
Eren leaned his head onto Armin's shoulder and soon fell asleep, while shadows of flame danced on his face. He looked at the window, saw all those stars, millions of years away, still burning brightly. Saw the sparks and embers that refused to be put out. Eren was here. Eren was safe.
That would be enough to keep going.