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Fuck the Fantastic Four.
Just fuck ‘em.
Okay so no. Not really.
Johnny Storm is her Best Bro and has been since grade school. Ben Grimm’s never said more than ten words to her at a time. But Darcy thinks he likes her. Or at least doesn’t hate her for all the crap she’s given Johnny over the years. And Sue Storm is a mother-fucking sweetheart. A god-damned saint even.
Because it’s not really fuck the Fantastic Four.
It’s more like fuck Reed Richards. God that man is such an asshole. It’s not even like he does it halfway on purpose like Tony.
It’s an unwritten law of the universe. The sky is blue. The grass is green. And Reed Richards is an oblivious bastard. If it’s not Science! or Sue Storm, it’s not of import.
And he’s here. In Darcy’s labs. With the scientists she wrangles. Sue’s not even here to keep him in check. Johnny and Ben are though, but any idiot with two brain cells to rub together knows the other three are useless without Sue. Stories of their antics have been told at ladies night. Stories.
Stupid Bruce. Coveting the stupid elastic capabilities of Mr. Fantastic’s stupid suit. Just so he won’t flash his hairy ass at anybody who cares enough to look as he shrinks back down to normal people size.
Not that Darcy really blames him. She herself could do without knowing Dr. Fluffy was so hirsute, everywhere. But she thunks her head down on the table anyways and whimpers. Because Reed Richards.
Darcy can see a distorted Johnny coming up behind her in the reflective lab glass separating each partition for some semblance of privacy. So she perks up just the slightest bit. Maybe he’s finally done sniping at Ben and is coming over to commiserate with her.
“Your brother-in-law is such a fucking smeghead, Johnny,” Darcy says without bothering to spin around in her awesome spiny chair. It’s a sentiment she’s expressed a thousand times before.
“I actually understood that reference; and my names’ not Johnny,” Darcy whirls around, panicked. Because those were her WORDS. And this guy, Not!Johnny, just said them.
And holy shit does this guy look a fuck-ton like Johnny Storm.
So Darcy does the sensible thing and yells, “Johnny!” to get Johnny’s attention away from his verbal sparring match with Ben. She stares at Not!Johnny.
“Please don’t be a shape shifting alien sent to conquer Planet Earth. ‘Kay?” Darcy blurts.
Not!Johnny seems nonplused by her reaction if the way he’s gaping at her is any indication.
“O…kay?” Not!Johnny questions.
“Hey Darcy. Hey Steve,” interjects Actual!Johnny casually, “You yelled for me, Darcy?”
“Explain… him… now,” demands a shaky Darcy faintly, gesturing at DefinitelyNot!Johnny but Possibly!Steve. She’s freaked the fuck out.
“Oh, him,” says Johnny, fidgety gaze darting around the lab, landing everywhere but her, “I don’t wanna talk about him.”
“Johnny!” Darcy admonishes sharply. Because now is not the time for him to go all cagey on her.
“Why does it even matter Darcy?” pleads Johnny. It seems he’d really rather not discuss this.
“Because,” she points to him, “Johnny,” and swivels her finger towards Possibly!Steve, “Not!Johnny. Now you see my dilemma Johnny?”
“Oh… Shit.”
“Now start talking, Johnny. Please.”
“Someone at S.H.I.E.L.D. noticed the resemblance, but nobody can figure it out. We share more than half our D.N.A. Its really fucking weird,” Johnny babbles, before turning to Possibly!Steve and pondering, “What did she even say to you dude?”
Possibly!Steve hesitates before answering, “She had some rather unflattering things to say about Dr. Richards. Which I can’t say are entirely inaccurate.”
“You called him a fucking smeghead again, didn’t you Darcy,” laughs Johnny, enjoying himself now. He knows her too well.
“Shut the fuck up fire crotch.” Darcy threatens.
“And if I don’t?” demands Johnny, curious. This clearly too much fun for him to pass up.
Stupid cat, she thinks. Because Darcy considers; now that Johnny has explained Not!Johnny, she really doesn’t need him here anymore. So, Big Guns it is, “If you don’t, I’ll tell you what Mr. Fantastic, is fantastically good at. Sue claims he…”
“I’ll be good,” squawks a pouting Johnny horrified at what she’d been about to reveal.
Darcy takes some time to appraise Possibly!Steve. He’s hot, built. However, Johnny’s her Bro, and going out with Possibly!Steve would probably be a violation of the Bro Code.
Cause even if he looks a lot like he could be Johnny’s twin Possibly!Steve is her soulmate. Darcy at least wants to have coffee with him. And you don’t go on coffee dates with your Bro’s relatives. She can’t dishonor Barney Stinson like that.
But… maybe, the Bro Code is like the Pirate’s Code? More like guidelines anyway? Yep, that’ll work. Because otherwise it'd just be weird. Loophole found. Success.
Johnny, recognizing the way she’s sizing up Possibly!Steve interjects, “I should probably go now."
"That would be a good thing," Darcy reminds him.
And because he just has to have the last word, Johnny adds, “By the way, Darcy: this is Steve. Steve Rogers. Steve’s Captain America. Steve, this is Darcy Lewis. Have fun losers!” before he high tails it out of there.
“Ass-hat,” Darcy mutters, before continuing, “Well this is awkward.”
Steve just nods in agreement.