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Ted loved people. Loved them! His mom said that people were never strangers, just friends he hadn’t met yet. Even his teachers let his parents know that, while he did fine academically, his real issue was that he would talk to anyone he sat next to. His teachers moved him all around the room to discourage him from ‘disrupting the class’; but even putting him next to the metalheads whose t-shirts once gave Ted an actual nightmare, the kids who wore all black because they hadn’t invented a darker color yet, the geeks who taught him as much as they could about dungeons and dragons in the 50 minutes they were together, even the exchange students who all seemed to mutually agree that while they may not understand a single word he said, the language of rice crispy treats was universal. The point is, Ted was a people person.
But every rule has an exception.
Now, don’t get him wrong, these people are very lovely. Mr. Johnson and Mr. McCabe were very polite people who really wanted to share their lives with others and that was not only valid, but very relatable to Ted as a person. However, if the looks on the others' faces was anything to go by, Ted doesn’t feel too bad when he accidentally checks out of the conversation. In his and the others defense, most of the conversation has been Johnson and/or McCabe talking and the others just nodding their heads and smiling. Ted can’t be 100% positive, but he’s pretty darn sure that Roy being on his phone is the only thing Keeley could do to keep him here without him threatening to do physical violence on to the other men's bodies (while Ted is firmly against violence, the thought of how Roy would even go about “beating a motherfucker with another motherfucker” intrigued him in a way he blamed on extreme boredom). At this point, Ted feels quickly checking his phone to check his notifications wasn’t too bad in the grand scheme of things.
Henry’s smiling face is looking up at him and sitting next to him is a girl around his age, her hijab and his shirt both the bright neon blue Henry’s school is fond of using for their spirit events. The photo gets an instant heart from Ted. Michelle followed up with ‘your son has inherited your charm but not your sense of humor 😂’. He can only imagine the visual based puns his son was delivering to his friend, but Ted wasn’t too worried as they both seemed as pleased as punch with whatever had transpired that day.
Ted gave that text little hearts, too. He wanted to make a joke or ask some questions about how their day was going, but since he could feel his own heart breaking at the thought of missing out on another part of his son’s life, he figured a digital one would do in a pinch.
“-do you think?”
Ted doesn’t think it's true, but the room feels like it got smaller in the last few minutes. Or maybe more people showed up?
“Mr. Lasso?”
Either way, it’s getting a little difficult to breathe. It’s getting a lot difficult to breathe, actually. Everything just got so much louder and quieter all at once, he thinks his ears might have just popped from the change in pressure.
“Ted?”
A hand was touching his arm, softly like it didn’t want to be louder than the voice reaching out to him. Ted looked up and saw Rebecca. She looked a little lost, confused. Why? What was wrong, was she ok? Ted looked around the table and saw everyone looking at them. Except, he realized, it wasn’t them. They were all looking at him, because he was clearly having another anxiety attack, he should have figured it out sooner. Maybe he should have taken the server up on their joke about needing a crayon and paper set, he could have used them to connect the dots way there a bit faster.
Keeley started to make that face she gets that meant she was feeling social pressure to keep the conversation going (which Ted found so incredibly valid it made his heartache for her a little bit) so Ted stood up and said “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, y’all! My uh, my grandmother! Well, not my grandmother, god rest her soul, but my son’s grandmother, his mom’s mom? We call her grandma because of my son and the habit stuck. Anyway! She just messaged me and I just need to pop out real quick to give her a call, if you’ll excuse me?”
While he was saying this, Ted was slowly backing out of the restaurant, holding his phone out like that he was that one fella from the dinosaur movies, but instead of fending off velociraptors it was a football coach reassuring a group of Brits giving his varying levels of concerned looks. Once he got to the door he turned and fled the restaurant. Part of his brain is telling him he will feel embarrassed about every single aspect of that exchange, but right now all he can think is that he needs to get out of there. Out of the restaurant, out of these club owner dinners, out of this country-
Ted held up his phone to call Henry and Michelle, to ask how he was, was he having a good day, was school doing alright, was he happy? Or was Henry putting on a smile like his old man, cracking jokes so that no one around him had time to be sad? He went to hit the call button but remembered at the last second that time might be a construct, but bedtime is very real and according to the world clock on his phone time zones are, too, apparently. Although he wouldn’t be asleep now, he’s probably still at school doing some sort of event if the kids’ shirts are anything to go by. The photo Michelle texted was probably sent to him right after it was taken; Ted is just so used to her sending them hours after when he was asleep, his anxiety riddled brain didn’t even consider the idea that it was sent in the moment. He feels horrible now, Michelle was thinking of him and he just assumed he was an afterthought. Ted tried to remind himself that his anxiety wasn’t him and one bad thought doesn’t make him a bad man.
Rebecca finds him standing in a small alleyway next to the restaurant hunched over his. “Ted, is Michelle’s mum doing ok? Michlle and Henry, they’re both doing alright?”
At this Ted starts and looks at her. His heart feels like it wants to box its way out of his chest with fear; he was so stressed about his relationship with Michelle and Henry that his mothers health hadn’t crossed his mind.
“You ran out talking about her mum texting you and needing to talk? So I just wanted to come check on you and make sure you were all doing ok.” Rebecca gave him a small smile, “you may not know this, but I have a vested interest in making sure everyone in the Lasso family is happy and healthy.”
While Ted could still feel his heart beat in every cell of his body, Rebecca looking at him with a teasing little smile made a pretty good distraction. Rebecca looks back at the restaurant, sighs, and starts to send a message on her phone. “One moment, I’m just going to message Keeley to let her know we won’t be making it back to dinner. To spin some story that sounds believable, but not too dramatic that it makes the news tomorrow.”
Rebecca also informed him she ordered a car for them. Ted started and realized that, while he was still in his suit jacket, her bare shoulders probably didn’t enjoy England’s brisk air. Almost on autopilot, Ted removed his jacket and placed it on her. He knew if he asked she would say she was fine, and while he didn’t disagree, he didn’t have the mental energy to banter with her about it. “Wait, what about your bag and coat?”
“Oh, don’t worry! Girl code dictates that anything left in an emergency is carried and given to you at the next meet up.” Rebecca says while typing on her phone, “I’m just letting her we aren’t coming back to dinner. Keeley will have already moved my bag next to her and Roy will almost certainly refuse to let her carry it herself, so I’m not too stressed about it.”
“If you came out here to distract me with the image of Roy holding your purse, it worked.” Ted laughed. It was weak, and not even close to the one he gives away free to strangers, but the fact he could bend his mouth into a smile at all showed Rebecca Welton was a miracle worker.
“Well, wearing all black certainly doesn’t hurt when it comes to fashion.” Rebecca joked.
“True! Hard to clash anything with a ‘fit like that.” Ted mused, “Do you think I should try that out? Ted Lasso, man of mystery in an all black suit?”
When she didn’t respond, Ted looked over to see if she was alright. Walking the uneven ground to the sidewalk might not be a long journey, but a twisted ankle is a twisted ankle (he didn’t know which came first, the shoe or the knife, but the fact you can choose to walk on something called ‘stilettos’ really should have tipped people off to how dangerous they were). When he didn’t see anything amiss, he saw that she was the one looking him over. When she looked up, he could have sworn the lights from across the street were making her look flushed. When the silence went on a little too long, which for Ted was about 2 to 6 seconds, he reached up and gave her head a gentle poke. “Ground control to Major Welton, everything ok in there?”
She cleared her throat and stood up straight, going so far as to adjust her shoulders to Ted’s bemusement. She looked like she was about to enter the ring, not step up to the curb. “Sorry, I was just thinking… you know. Keeley would probably love that, you know?”
While they were waiting for the car, Ted did his best to rack his brain on waning adrenaline. “And what would that be?”
Rebecca looks at him and when he doesn’t respond, huffs and rolls her eyes. “You know! If you ever wanted to change up your look, I am sure she would love to have a movie montage day with you.”
Ted must be more out of it than he thought because when Rebecca looks at him after making sure the car is still on its way, she helpfully clarifies, “The suit? You said you were considering changing up your style and I’m sure Keeley and maybe even Higgins would love to help you.”
“Oh! That? Haha don’t worry about that, I don’t think that look is in my repertoire.”
“Oh, I disagree.”
Ted would argue if it weren’t for the fact that Rebecca’s voice made it sound so much more like a fact than opinion that he didn’t really know what to say to that. Luckily, he was saved from having to work through any half further thoughts by Rebecca’s town car arriving.
—------------
By the time they arrived at his apartment, Ted had officially moved past tired into full on exhausted territory. He was so busy twisting himself up into knots thinking about how upset he would be if Henry didn’t floss and how he was a hypocrite for not wanting to do it himself that he didn’t even notice Rebecca was still next to him until she used his shoulder for support to take off her shoes. “Ugh, I know these shoes make your arse look great, but at this point I’m starting to wonder why I even bother, you know? If I really need someone to reassure me on my appearance, I could remember Keeley when she saw my Mallorca photos and that should tide me over for the next millenia.”
Ted had no idea what to do with any of that information.
Ted might be a lot of things, but he wasn’t stupid enough to ask what those photos and her physical appearance had to do with one another. Ted thinks Mallorca is a place in Spain, but if context clues are a real thing, he will not ask about anything considering the state of dress one usually wears near bodies of water and sunshine is not what his mind needs right now. Not because he doesn’t love learning new things, especially geographical, but the idea of Rebecca asking him what he thinks of her body is the exact way to shut his brain down completely. So much so that he doesn’t even notice that she had moved away from the entryway while he was still struck dumb not thinking about anything at all what so ever.
Ted startles when Rebecca pokes her head around the corner from the kitchen and calls out asking if she can make some tea for herself and anything for him. “Ted, please tell me someone purchased a proper tea kettle and someone had enough forethought to sneak it in here when you weren’t looking.”
“Spain who?”
“What?”
“What.”
Rebecca just looks at him and laughs, “I said! Would you like me to prepare you anything? I’m going to make myself some tea and I figured, since it is your house, I should be gracious enough to prepare you something as well.”
Ted, in what is probably the first real laugh of the night, says “You know that I live here, yeah? Technically, I should be the one preparing the food and drink. After all, you are the guest here, it’s only proper.”
Rebecca scoffs at that “Please, I am not a guest.”
Ted wanted to make a joke about if she wasn’t a guest, what did that make him, chopped liver, but the sight of her moving around his kitchen and knowing where everything was did something to his heart. The fact she knew where everything was because she, in a fit of restlessness about the team’s chances of winning last season, had rearranged his entire kitchen in what she called ‘the correct, proper way of things’ made him feel like he might just pass out from lightheadedness. Ted didn’t think it was fair to make a man have a beautiful woman talk about beach trips and being so at home in your kitchen after the night he had just had.
He was so tired, but he couldn’t seem to move his feet from that one spot. If his mother were here, she would ask him if he had turned into a tree and sprouted roots because that was the only explanation as to why he wasn’t fluttering around like a hummingbird on a sugar high the way he was wont to do. At the thought of his mother, he remembered the text Michelle had sent and how he had never texted her back. He pulled his phone out, but he didn’t have a single thing to say. Well, that wasn’t true. Ted has a million and one things to say- he just couldn’t think of a single of them at the moment.
When the screen went from dim to dark and showed nothing but his own reflection, he placed it on the counter and stalked off to the living room. It was only when Rebecca slowly moved over to the living room holding a cup of tea and a water bottle did Ted think that maybe ‘placed’ was perhaps too forgiving a word for what he did to his phone. Rebecca gives him a small smile and wasn’t that just a kick in the head? Here Ted was upset over the fact that an hour at most had passed since Michelle had sent the photo to him. Ted often received photos at odd times, being a parent meant you would often forget things and once you remembered you would do it right then or risk repeating the entire process in 4 to 6 hours.
It’s only when Ted thinks of Michelle essentially raising Henry as a single parent does Ted feel like he’s going to burst. Ted doesn’t think he’s ever made himself so stressed that he was going to get physically ill, but life was nothing if not a series of first experiences you had no say in. Rebecca clearly thinks from the way his face lost all its color that he probably has it in him to make himself sick if the way her eyes widen and she rushes to his side is anything to go by. “Ted? Ted, it's alright. Here, drink some of this- slowly, take your time- and just breathe with me. I’m right here, you’re safe, I’ve got you.”
Ted thinks that's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to him and promptly does his best to ball his eyes out.
After what feels like hours, days, a lifetime of crying, he finally is able to catch his breath. He is leaning against the foot of his chair and Rebecca is next to him. Although, when he uncurls himself from a ball that he didn’t even remember going into, he is no longer in his chair. He is sitting on the ground and a more accurate description would be to say that Rebecca was leaning against the chair and he against her. She had an arm around him and was making shushing noises that signified comfort over wanting quiet. He sat up and tried to let her know that he was alright now, he was done with whatever the hell that was, but it came out more a painful croak.
Rebecca did her best to keep one arm around him while she reached for the water she must have set on the table when she moved to get to him. The way she was so attuned to that kind of thinking, to care for him without scrambling really made him think she would make a great– Ted thinks he’s really going to be sick this time.
Because the universe likes to bully one Ted ‘Theodore’ Lasso, Rebecca picks up that he isn’t in a place to talk, but can not handle silence right now. So, after making sure he has the water well in hand, makes her way over to the kitchen while turning to check on him every few seconds. “I know whenever I’m feeling particularly down, it is always a safe bet to have something to snack on hand. What are the odds you have any biscuits left lying around?”
Ted just looks at her and feels like he can’t remember a single word of any language. He can’t be totally sure, but he thinks only people need to eat and since he is just a wrung out sponge of emotions, that doesn’t really apply to him. It’s only when Rebecca returns with a bag of chips does his brain bring itself online. Even though his face was all red and his eyes were scratchy from tears, Ted rushes to grab a bowl for them to use. While he didn’t care, the idea of his mom finding out he made Rebecca eat out of the bag when he had perfectly clean bowls in his cupboards was too risky. The fact he would most likely be the one who lets that information slip might be an even larger factor, but that was neither here nor there.
Rebecca takes the bowl with a bemused smile that says Ted is being a ‘silly American, but it’s charming so I’ll allow it’ and starts to pour out some chips (crisps, if you enjoy driving on the left side of the road legally) for them to enjoy together. “I really must apologize, Ted. I know that you could probably whip up some biscuits with the snap of your fingers, but I think we both agree that my first and only attempt at baking is just that- my first and only attempt.”
Ted goes to disagree, after all Rebecca is amazing at everything she does, but from the look on her face and the memory of those one time biscuits in mind, he instead opens his mouth to insert some crisps instead of his foot. While he stands by the fact Rebecca is truly amazing at many things, baking is a bit of a weak spot for her. She asked him to try her ‘Birthday Biscuits’ she was going to make for Keeley and neither of them is entirely sure what she did to them, but they were quickly shown the bin. Rebecca sheepishly admitted that she had never really had to cook or bake growing up and that, even with expensive tutors and classes, she could never seem to get a recipe right.
Ted had ended up baking some for Keeley while Rebecca had decorated them all up so that they ended up with almost as much glitter on them as the birthday girl herself. Ted has ended up baking them both a batch of biscuits to munch on while they waited for Keeley’s to cool enough to decorate and they had watched Great British Bake Off together. She had sworn that she didn’t mess them up on purpose when Ted had joked she could have just easily just asked him to make them instead of going through all this rigmarole. Part of Ted was disappointed to learn it hadn’t been a trick because she was as bored and in need of company as he was. But then he remembers the look of incredulous anger on her face when a man on the show had the audacity to over knead his dough while they themselves still had granules of bitter biscuits between their teeth and thought that there isn’t really a need to complain when you end up getting everything you wanted in the end.
Ted just says “I don’t think they were that bad, to be honest.”
Rebecca lets out a single ‘HA!’ at that. “Please! Those things were atrocious! To this day I have no idea what it is I did to them exactly, but I think we can both safely say it was something you only need to learn once.”
Ted takes a moment to think on this and coincides the point with a simple, “Guess you’ll just have to leave any and all future baking to me.”
“Sounds perfect to me.”
Ted looks at her in shock. “Well, now you know that sounds long term.”
“That isn’t a problem for me.”
Ted thinks his eyes are slightly smaller than the moon outside when he looks at her picking at specific chips because she was always very particular about the shape of a chip if she was able to. It was so rare she wasn’t just eating to eat food as quickly as possible while working, he let her be. Besides, he always thought it was kind of adorable how she would eat all the big, whole chips first before ultimately being forced to eat the broken ones.
Ted thinks it’s ironic that being so relaxed with a person that emotions usually catch up with you. “Rebecca, I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this.”
“Nonsense! I could have easily just left you to go home alone, but Ted, I really just want to make sure you are alright.”
“Just the fact you stayed to deal with all of this means a lot to me. I just know that I can be a little… much at times. Too much, if we're both being completely honest.”
Rebecca gives him an exaggerated once over, with her hand on her chin like she was judging whether a piece of art really was worth the nine zeroes behind its name or not. “Hm. Hmmm! Nope! I don’t think that’s it. In fact, I might even go as far as to say you are just the right amount, actually.”
Ted wasn’t crying, but tearing up and crying are two very different things and he knows that for a fact.
—-------------
After debating on who should get the bed or the couch (Ted says that as a guest, she deserved the bed; Rebecca said that she is still not a guest and she can’t steal his bed when he clearly needs the rest more). It was only Ted’s body saying they either decided now or he slept on the ground at his feet that he gave in and took the bed (out of vocal protest). Ted leant her some of his clothes as pajamas and went to get ready for bed himself. While he gets lots of crap about being a grown man who keeps his college clothes, he has yet to have a single complaint once someone needs comfy clothes to wear as pjs or for family movie nights. He let her use the restroom first out of courtesy, but instantly regrets it as his sneaky plan of stealing the couch was foiled before it even really began. Although the knowing look she gave him when he went to get changed makes him think he was not as sly as he could have been. Too clever by half for his own good he was, Ted thinks. Then again, he might be being a bit too generous in describing his half zombie state as being subtle.
Ted clears his throat, going to scuff his shoe on the floor until he remembered he is not wearing shoes and if the contest is his toes vs the floor, the floor would always win. He ends up standing with his hands in his pajama pants pockets while staring at his own feet doing what can only be called a very mild, terrible flamingo impression. He quickly shakes his head and looks at Rebecca. It isn’t even an exceptionally sexy look, it's not even aesthetically pleasing, instagram worthy casual clothes either, just old college clothes that look very well worn. Yet, seeing her wearing his soft clothes standing in too pale lighting from outside his apartment, he thinks either the world stopped or his heart did. Either way, expecting him to speak at that exact moment would be a fool's errand.
Rebecca, because she is built differently, and by different he means better than him in every way, fills the silence for him. “Ted, I know today wasn’t ideal. The dinner was about what I expected, which is to say dreadfully boring. However, I just wanted to remind you that you can ask me for anything, yes? I am glad that I found you when I did, because the idea of you in that alleyway by yourself is just awful. I like being able to help you, even if it's just being a body so that you aren’t alone.”
Ted knew she meant well and he thinks that's the issue in a way. He knows that anxiety is real, that it’s a serious issue for so many people, that there is no shame in having anxiety or anything else that makes you a part of who you are. And yet.
“If it’s alright to you, could we pretend that that whole” and here he waves his hand like a magician pulling out a card, “all that earlier? Today was a team meeting, dinner, and then here and now? I just… I just want something that isn’t a topic of debate. You know?”
Rebecca looks at him with understanding. “Of course, Ted. I think we are both gossiped out at this point. Something quiet and personal sounds like just the thing for both of us.”
While Ted has had very few comfortable silences in his life, this was easily top 10. Top 5 even. Ted thinks that for someone who has such important things to say, Rebecca really does know how to work a quiet room.
“Welp! I think I’ve kept you awake long enough and tomorrow we’re back on that early bird grind! Or at least, I am. Lord knows those boys have energy to space, but they ain’t sharin’ it.”
“If only. Goodnight, Ted.”
“Goodnight, Rebecca. Sweet dreams.”
Rebecca turns to get ready for bed, but the hint of her smile was something Ted didn’t mind carrying with him.
—------
Laying awake when you should be asleep is a form of purgatory, Ted thinks. The alarm clock said he didn't know because he didn’t ask, but the odds of it being any combination of numbers that wouldn't upset him were low. He just couldn’t stop thinking about Rebecca. Rebecca who gave him a job; a job to destroy a club she hated. Rebecca who apologized for her wrong doings; who laughed at his jokes, who held in moments that he needed arms around him, who asked for his opinion because she wanted it, who confessed to things he almost certainly would never have learned if she hadn’t told him. Rebecca Welton who told him she believed in him.
The thing is, Ted has no reservation admitting he was in love with Rebecca. In his head anyways. No, the problem was the fact that Rebecca deserved so much more than he could give. Not monetarily or anything, although that is not untrue either considering that she had and made more money than he ever would and in fact was the indirect reason that he himself received a paycheck. And the fact that she was his boss was a bit of a sticking point until he reminded himself that afc Richmond never has and never will be normal about anything they did. He wasn’t even sure half the people were qualified for the jobs they acted out, himself included, and he knew Higgins could do anything, but his official title was just a placeholder on paper for all the things he did for the club.
They were all paid well and treated well and it was unlike most jobs any of them have worked before, so the fact that technically she was his boss didn’t bother him because he had seen and acted on the fact they were all equals with each other; nothing more, nothing less. Rebecca would never punish a worker for personal grievances and they all knew that for a fact. The fact that she had in fact done that exact thing in the past haunted her enough for everyone to know how true that was.
No, the problem had nothing to do with work and everything to do with his own life. He couldn't imagine having another serious relationship ever. Just a few years ago he had been married with a wife and kid at home and now he lives alone an ocean away from them. Not to say Ted still held romantic feelings for Michelle, they both had a tear filled 3 hours conversation last summer about how that wasn’t true for either of them. But it was the memory of holding Henry in his lap and explaining why he wasn’t staying and why Michelle and Ted would date other people that cements in Ted’s mind that he was making the right choice.
Ted didn't deserve the moon or the stars, let alone someone who would hang them just to see him smile. He had no right to ask someone for a home, to have someone build one around him because he couldn't do it himself. He didn't deserve happiness.
He might not know much, but he knew how to break his own heart.
—----------------
Rebecca was still asleep when he got up the next morning. He tried to be as quiet as he could getting ready (which mostly involved a lot of putting things in his bag to do at work) and made sure to leave a note saying she could stay as long as she liked. He had very little to offer in the way of breakfast foods so he figured she wouldn’t stay long, but felt the need to make sure she knew she was welcome.
He figured he owned her a bit of a late morning after all that she did for him. Besides, he had a lot to think about this morning and he's pretty sure seeing Rebecca's face with bleary eyes and red sleep marks from a pillow would almost certainly crumble any resolve he had. He wasn't happy with it and he didn’t think she would be either, at first. He knows if Beard were here he would make a remark about how 'ends justifying the means has never been a good mentality for most people in the past’.
For the first time in his life, he is truly happy Beard isn't here with him. That man doesn't read him like a book, he reads him like a one page pamphlet and he doesn't need that energy right now, thank you kindly.
And with that thought, Ted takes off to the coffee shop. The odds of one of the guys bringing something into share was high, but his need for caffeine Now was even higher. Besides, he figured having two cups of coffee in the morning couldn't be too bad considering he’s usually expected to be awake for at least some part of the work day.
Being the first one in the office (except Dani who is more awake at 7am than Ted has ever been in his entire life) was an odd experience for Ted. It was like being in a school in summer; it transforms into a liminal space that isn't quite awake yet. He wonders if this is how Beard lives his life everyday and thinks to invite him to hang out more in the future because this sucks.
He realizes that, because Rebecca had been with him all night and he didn't want to risk waking her, he never made her boss biscuits. While he fully thinks she will understand as she was there with him and knows he wasn't in a place last night to do so, it feels like a bad omen. He briefly considers finding a ladder in the building to walk under, maybe two bads cancel each other out, but dismisses that as math rules when everyone knows bad luck clearly bad luck follows science rules and would simply just stack together. He then thinks he is, in fact, just incredibly tired and needs some caffeine in the form of a coffee or three.
At this thought, or should he say manifestation, in walks Beard with four styrofoam cups. "Black, white chocolate mocha, purina tea and earl grey tea. Guess which is which."
"Hm. It's hard to say, let me think about it." Ted ponders, altho he supposes the effect is lost on Beard considering Ted's mustache is currently sporting a 90s boy band-esque whipped cream frosted tips from having already taken a sip.
"What if that wasn't yours, then what."
"I'd be so livid, I can't even think about it. Does England have any nearby mountains? I'm only asking because running away to live in a small suburb town doesn't have the same vibe as turning into a mountain man, you know?"
Beard gives him one of his smile smiles while blowing on his own tea. "In England specifically or in the UK as a whole? Because if you're willing to put up with the possibility of banshees, I know just the place."
"Oh, terrifying! No, thank you. But! I do appreciate your quick thinking and ingenuity."
"I aim to please."
At this point Higgins walks in and spots the cups. "Oh! Is one of those for me, by chance?"
"You're a Diamond Dog aren't you?"
Higgins looks so pleased at this both he and Beard share a look agreeing that they needed to hang out the three of them more. Even since The Thing with Nate, they all have realized maybe communication is the key to any relationships (who knew!). Higgins looks at the sides of.the cups and, seemingly at random, grabs a cup and takes a sip. "Wait, how did you know if you grabbed the right one? Miine was obvious because it was the only one with cream poking through."
"Hm? Oh! Our names are on the sides."
Ted knows he wasn't betrayed by Beard in any sense of the word, but his cheeky little grin makes him question his life choices. Children at the office plus a kid at home? Sheesh! His mood immediately whiplashes back into the sour at the reminder Henry isn't at home with him except he was at home, it is just that Henry’s home and Ted’s home are two different places now.
Maybe they both notice the slight mood shift because Higgins says that not that he has a delicious beverage on hand, he thinks he's ready to get a start on the day. Beard nods his head in agreement and Ted tells Higgins that's a great idea. For the sake of productivity, but more importantly distraction. He is not looking forward to talking to Rebecca, but sometimes things hurt before they get better, right?
A bit later Keeley dropped Roy off with a kiss and floated away talking about going to see Rebecca real quick before she left for work. Seeing those two together always made him feel like he was rewatching The Princess Bride. True love making it through from beginning to end, with a few hill tumbles and rodents of unusual size in the middle, but in the end twue love won.
Ted does his best to curb his wince at the reminder that Rebecca will be in her office by now. Normally the thought of her here working so hard for the team made his chest warm and fuzzy, but what was once a weighted blanket is now a crushing humidity; gross and uncomfortable.
Ted waits a few minutes for everyone to settle into their daily routine and also for Keeley to get in her girl talk time before telling the others he'll be right back. Beard gives him a side glance and Ted just brushes it off by saying “just need to talk to the boss real quick.”
He didn't want to have the conversation at work, but realizes if he has to wait all day he might just explode. While talking with Rebecca always made him calm, this conversation was making him the most stressed he’s been in awhile. The fact it reminded him of receiving divorce papers from Michelle was not lost on him and that just made him consider running back to his office and pretending to have amnesia. Who was he, where was he, what even was a Kansas? However, Ted knew that he had to do this because even if it hurt right now, it was like ripping off a bandage. The slower you are with it, the worse it feels. No point in dragging this out and making everyone miserable.
Part of Ted was pleased to find her door open and her alone so that he could just get it over and done with, but a small part of him had hoped someone was there and he would have an excuse to turn tail and run. But instead the universe punishes him by instead finding her at her desk, sun shining on her face. Her smile when she sees him walk in makes her face light up brighter than this or any star possibly could and he’s shocked no one heard his heart just break right inside his chest considering how loud it was.
“Ted! I was just thinking about you!” Rebecca starts, “You were gone by the time I got up, but I was hoping you and I could talk a bit.”
She makes to stand up, probably to the couch for a more sitting situation and a relaxed talk between friends. However, Ted beats her to the punch and sits in the chairs in front of her desk. He thinks it would be best if he wasn’t sitting next to her when he said this. He knew what he needed to say, but seeing her up close would make any and all resolve crumble and he needed to be strong to do this. “About that… I just wanted to say, thanks, first off.”
Rebecca, recovering from the abrupt seating arrangement, smiles and brushes him off with a simple “Nonsense. You needing a friend in a time of need is something I am glad to provide.”
“Well, I am glad for that. And like you said, our friendship means a lot to me. So, I just wanted to come up here and thank you again. I know when I asked you to write that whole night from your mind I probably sounded like a lunatic, but I really appreciate it.”
Rebecca is still smiling at him, but her eyebrows furrow a bit. She seems unsure about the wording, but dismisses it. Ted thinks it's unfair the universe makes people have to communicate face to face sometimes because having to look someone in the eyes while you break their heart is a fair punishment, but just because he deserves it doesn't mean he enjoys it.
Ted takes a deep breath and goes on. “I know it’s silly, but it really makes me feel better pretending the whole night never happened. Just- dinner, sleep, end scene. You know?”
Rebecca, bless everything that went into making her the person she is today, seems to know where he is going with this. Almost as if fighting it, arguing with herself that she was misunderstanding when it was clear she wasn’t, she slowly her smile dims. Rebecca doesn’t take an audible breath, but he can see her collect herself. Sitting a little taller, back a little straighter, Rebecca just says “of course.”
Ted deserves an Emmy or an Oscar or some award for not breaking down into tears right here, if only to beat himself over the head with what he was doing here. “Thanks, Rebecca. It feels a bit weird to ask, but I’m glad to have you as a friend. Lord knows if anyone else saw me they would run another pointless article about me and no one wants that!”
“Well, happy to help! I… I like to think I can be counted on when it comes to my friends.” Rebecca forces through a fake smile.
Ted both instantly regrets this decision, but also feels validated. He hurt her so much with just this, he doesn’t even want to begin to imagine the ways he could screw up over the years. Michelle was amazing and look at what he did with her. To do it twice felt unfair to not only Rebecca, but to himself. He wanted to be with her more than anything and that’s how he knew he was making the right decision.
He does his best to make small talk to move on from the awkwardness of the conversation, but they both seem to have entered some sort of customer service equilibrium where they’re both smiling and yet neither one was happy. “Welp! I’m gonna boogie my way back on down to my office! Gotta get back on that trick play grind!”
“Yes, quite! Well, I will catch you on the flippity flop!” and with a wince Rebecca stands to walk him to the door.
Ted thinks it's a shame he has to go hide in his office for the next millenium out of shame because that was pretty adorable. And with the heaviest heart and heavier footsteps, Ted makes his way back to his office. Ted thinks his shoes were accidentally switched with dumbbells because he’s never walked so slow in his life and for a man who struggled to commit to cardio that was saying something.
—---------------
When Ted manages to get back to the office, the boys have officially started their warm ups. The boys were doing training in the gym with the fitness coaches, so Ted and the others did their best to muster up the energy to fill out paperwork and the occasional trick play. Normally Ted didn’t mind the paperwork aspect as Beard and Roy could figure out who needed to be where while Ted would be there to motivate and put those plays into action. However, Ted feels like his entire body has been zapped of energy when he finally makes his way into the office and just stands staring at his desk for a moment.
Maybe because they’ve all known each other for a few years now and have grown to know one another or maybe because deep down Ted actually did want to talk about his emotions for once, but when Higgins asks “Is everything alright, Ted?” he can’t seem to find it in himself to do anything except be completely honest. Shout out to Jan Maas because maybe the truth really did set you free, Ted thinks.
After Ted tells them all about what happened that night, leaving out a few inner thoughts that would forever stay between him and God, he ends by telling them about the conversation in her office just now. The silence that followed was the icing on the cake of things that Made Ted Uncomfortable. Which, he figured, is exactly what he deserved after all of this. Still, if it hurt this much it had to be the right decision in the end as far as he was concerned.
"Ted…" Higgins trails off.
Ted's face does its best to fold inward with his flinch as that tone means that You're Not Mad, Just Disappointed. Oh, how the dad turntables.
"So you told her you wanted to forget the entire night, not just the anxiety attack?"
“Coach, I can’t believe I’m the one saying this, but that was not cool.”
Ted doesn’t sigh, but he does feel his chest squeeze a breath out of him. “Maybe so, but at this point it feels like a cruel kindness. Yeah, it's mean and not the best way to deal with it and I know that! But isn’t that worth it in the end if it saves everyone from a messy situation in the long run?”
Higgins says “Ted, as your friend, all I ask is that you stretch a bit before you decide anything.”
Ted and Beard break the momentary tension to look at one another. The look Higgins gives Ted is one that only any father worth his salt can; with exasperated affection and devotion. “Well, it’s just a bit dangerous to make such a leap before a proper warm up.”
Ted felt his eyebrows raise up and a small laugh bubble up out of him, but Beard looked like he was seriously considering getting up to hug the man. If nothing else, that image alone will fuel Ted for years to come.
“Rebecca doesn’t deserve an anxiety riddled divorcee who freaks out at the mere mention of his family that he left behind.” Ted explains.
“So, the fact that Rebecca is divorced and works a very stressful job means you couldn’t be together? I must say, Ted, I didn’t expect you to have such an outdated world view.”
Beard just gave Ted a very stotically smug ‘what he said’ look that made Ted’s heart swell with fondness for them both. With a clap of thunder that can only be made from slamming something down with your whole arm on a table can produce, Roy stands up from his desk. Ted will never admit it out loud, but the fact that since he couldn’t see Roy’s desk meant sometimes he forgot he was there. Object permanence who? However Roy seemed to enjoy reminding people that he was there and this was just further proof to the three of them.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?'
"Alphabetically or chronologically?"
"Don't play fucking dumb with me!"
"I'm not playing! Wait."
"This is fucking serious, so fucking act like it. Did you or did you not act like a piece of shit to Rebecca right after she helped you during a fucking terrible moment in your life And don't bother lyin', cause we know you have, I just want you to grow a fucking spine and say it."
Higgins and Beard join Roy in starting Ted down and he finds himself folding like a house of cards in close proximity to a tornado. “She helped me when I was having a rough go of it, just as I like to think any of you would. I asked her to forget all about my little episode and she agreed. My intent was never to hurt her! I just wanted to establish boundaries so that no one got their feelings hurt. I’m not removing her from my life, but making sure that we can be friends for a long time without me royally screwing it up."
"So you think that because she saw you at a bad time in your life, you should kick her to the curb? New flash, asshole, she saw your MC Hammer Halloween costume! She's already seen you at your lowest, we all have!"
"You said I pulled that outfit off."
"No, I said it was better than your Porky Pig idea, which was fucking terrible."
"Huh, wow! Really misremembering that one.” Ted awkwardly laughs, “Anyway! Don’t get me wrong, while I would love to sit here and talk about Halloween costumes with you- and I mean that so genuinely- but I really do have work to do. My check list won't check itself! Man, wouldn't that be the day, although how would that even-”
Roy growls at him in a way that makes him think that maybe the idea Roy might secretly be some sort of English cryptid might have actual merit. "No, no fuck you actually. You want a fucking checklist? Alright! Step one: grow a pair. Step two: don't be a little coward boy. Step three: you two admit you’re in love and stop making those weird heart-eye’d faces at each other that make the rest of us physically ill with disgust and envy. Step four: there is no fucking as step four, it isn't that fucking complicated!"
While Ted was doing his best to keep his emotions in check, the fact he couldn't keep his mustache aloft with a smile was speaking more to the truth than his mouth could at the moment. Ted felt so happy that Roy cared, but the fact it was he was hearing it because he was hurting not just Rebecca, but the others as well didn’t really make the moment a joyful one.
“No, what you don’t fucking seem to get is that you changed everyone here with your happy-go-lucky, I see the best in people, believe in believe entire fucking life style. But you have your head so far up your own ass, you can't even see you've changed, too. You aren't that man and I don't know what Ted with Michelle was like, but she was nice the few times I met her. Smart and not afraid to swear if she needed to. Rebecca is smart, too. If she can be hurt in the past by fucking Rupert Mannion, Viagra's answer to the world's most interesting man, what makes you think she is going into this blind? If someone can be hurt as much as that woman has been and still want to give it another go, don't you think maybe, you might be, hypothetically, a half decent human fucking being?"
"....well, when you put it like that-"
"Intelligently?"
"Wow, you really are just going for the jugular today, aren't you?"
"If you weren't such a fucking idiot, I wouldn't have to be."
"Roy, you're always like this."
"And you're always an idiot. For fucks sake Ted, you deserve to be happy and Rebecca could easily be that happiness. Why the fuck are you making this so hard on both of you?"
“I guess it’s my turn to be confused. Rebecca is someone special and valuable to the world, someone with something to give. Me? I hate to say it Roy, but I'm tired. I'm tired and old and I just don't think I can be a good man and I tried so. Hard. With Michelle. Everyday I tried, but I couldn't make myself happy for her and she deserves to be happy! She does. And if I can't be happy for one amazing woman, what makes you think I can do it for another?"
Roy sighs. "Rebecca is strong, confident and powerful and more importantly she knows how to protect herself. She's a woman in football, a sport that is for everyone until it isn't, but she's still standing. I've seen her make a grown man flinch and instantly tear up a little just from looking at him. Rebecca runs this club like I've never seen from a manager before. Fuck, she cares so much, she's couldn't even ruin this club correctly! Are you really gonna look me in the eye and tell me this woman doesn't know exactly what she wants? That you know what's good for her better than she does? Because if that’s true, then, yeah you're right. Rebecca doesn't deserve that."
Ted looks at him with what Roy can only describe as gooey; like if someone made his eyes out of chocolate chip cookies and served them to you still warm. "Don't. Don't you fucking dare use those big, dumb Kansas cow eyes on me."
Ted sat there and really thought about that; about all the things the others had said (or didn’t say). Roy wouldn’t lie to him. If he says Rebecca could be happy with him and that maybe, just maybe, he was a good man, Ted wouldn’t be in the wrong to believe him. He could also admit to himself that he didn’t see himself as a good man, but if Rebecca did, that was enough. More than enough. Just the right mount, actually.
Ted gives a tearful sounding chuckle and asks “When did you and Higgins get so smart?”
“Higgins and I were always smart. ‘S not our fault you just fukcing figured that out.”
Ted looked at Roy, Higgins and Beard. Thought about the Diamond Dogs, the team, Rebecca. They all thought he was worth something. That Ted was a man with something to give that wasn’t just charismatic coaching and witty one liners.
He knew he shouldn’t allow himself to hope – he had no right to ask for something like a home. But Ted realized, did he ever ask for one? Looking back, no one had ever really made him ask them for it. All these people did was return the care he gave them. Maybe not always in the same way, but just because something was different didn’t make it less, just different. Ted was a lot of things and a well meaning fool was a good portion of them.
He had been so lost in silent thought that when he abruptly stands up, the others start. Oh, right. Inner monologues means no one heard his sound barrier breaking revelations. “Fellas, if you’ll excuse me. I have to go right to a grievous wrong of my own making and tell a woman I love her.”
“Good luck, Ted!” Higgins calls after him. “”Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve ever seen him run.”
“Metaphor, but make it literal.”
“Hm.”
—-----
Ted knows from past experiences knocking is not only polite, but the respectful thing to do. But he thinks that his frantic knocking before entering was probably more stress inducing than just barging in at this point. Although maybe his anxiety is making the knocks sound like war drums to only him, but he couldn’t be sure.
When Rebecca calls out to him that whoever it is can enter, Ted tries his best to calm down his heart and self down before opening the door. If someone else is in there with her, he thinks it's probably not the best time to confess his love for her. Luckily, the universe must think that for all his failings, Ted Lasso deserves a pass and Rebecca is alone.
“Oh! Ted, hello! Is there… um, sorry I was just….”
At this, she starts to shuffle things around her desk. He’s not sure if it's a habit one develops when working desk jobs over the years or if she’s trying to find something ‘work appropriate’ to talk with him about. Either way, Ted is going to do the unthinkable and cut the small talk out of the equation. “Rebecca, do you have a minute?”
“Of course, what can I help you with?”
At the sight of her sitting at her desk with a ‘haha yes us women do love frivolous things don’t we, I’m being polite for business but I so wish I weren’t’ smile he tells himself that he will do everything he can to make Rebecca Welton happy for the rest of both of their lives. He goes around her desk and holds out his hand to her. Almost like a reflex, an instinct born from the trust that didn’t have time to shake from the few hours of whiplash Ted was giving all of them, she places her hand in his. When he notes her hand is solidly in his with zero hesitation, he knows that he loves her and she loves him. Now to prove that he is in fact worthy of all of that love, knee jerk overreactions notwithstanding.
Rebecca just looks at him in confusion, but doesn't remove her hand when she’s standing up. When he looks down at their joined hands he has to control his urge to laugh. In a subconscious move, both he and Rebecca were trying to soothe the other; he was rubbing her knuckles with his thumb while she was rubbing the backs of his fingers with hers.
“I don’t know what happened between us earlier, but after the dinner, I thought.” Rebecca looks at the ceiling in a move that Ted knows means she’s fighting not to tear up, “I thought maybe that was our moment. You know? The moment in every romcom where they open their eyes and there you are! And there I am! But when you came in and told me that you wanted none of it to have happened? Ted, my heart aches over many things, but I won’t do it over a man. Even if that man is an exceptional one, I can’t.”
Rebecca seems to steel herself to get the rest of what she needs to say and Ted will do nothing but listen to her for the rest of his life to make up for any and all mistakes. “If you were anyone else, Ted Lasso, that would be enough to be done with them. We could work together, maybe even continue to be friends! But any and all romantic feelings would be gone between us.”
Ted tries and fails not to sound too hopeful when he asks, “However?”
Between one breath and the next, and a very impressive eye roll, Rebecca’s entire body releases the tension it had been holding since their conversation a mere few hours ago. Ted owes her a lifetime of spa appointments for not even a full day of misery, although the idea of them sharing a couples retreat in the future makes him far too pleased to care about the decent amount of money that would cost. He then immediately has to stop himself from laughing at his own joke about finding a sugar mama. Probably should save those for after their first date. Or even the fourth one, now that he thinks about it. Or maybe a tenth anniversary. Pacing yourself is always important in both sports and love, if you really think about it.
“However, I think we both know that the other isn’t just some random person in our lives. I’m not perfect either, you know? I will do things that will make you want to pull your hair out and make you question my sanity and yours, for agreeing to be with me, but that’s just the thing. I want to have moments with you. I want to have a relationship, a life, a home! With you, together in a place of mutual respect and understanding. I just need to know that we can both learn from our mistakes and that making a decision like this- rashly and for the both of us- is not something that will happen again. Because I’ve had that before, with Rupert. And I can’t do that again.”
“Rebecca, I swear I will never do anything like this again. And I agree, I am not perfect and I will make mistakes in the future, too. Probably in the near future, but that’s because I am just so nervous around you I feel like everything I do is all wonky! But I swear on the Queen of Kings, Mrs. Shania Twain herself, that I will never, ever! Make a major decision about our lives without your input. In fact, I look forward to arguing with you about many aspects of my apartment with you.”
Unbeknownst to either of them, they were both swaying like two kids at a school dance; incredibly nervous, but so privileged to be in the other's arms even in such a simple way. “My logic felt right in the moment, but that was wrong of me. Part of the reason Michelle and I didn’t work was because we were both a little too independent, I think. And that will be a hard habit to break, I’m not gonna lie to you. But I hope that you’ll give me the chance to make it right and do me the honor of giving me a kick in the pants if I ever need to be reminded that I might be slidin’ down that slippery slope.”
Wanting to make things lighter, softer Ted says “Rebecca, you are the wind beneath my wings, the sun and the sky, the-the- ah, shoot what’s a good analogy, you are the, um I just really like your hair and your arms and-”
“Ted, I don't want you to list all the ways you think of me or what you like about me.” Rebecca’s blush was such a sight on her, he needed to pause just to capture it in its full brilliance. Listing all of Rebecca’s amazing qualities could always be picked up later.
"I’d spend forever telling you what I like about you if you’d listen to me for that long. You don’t know what you did, but you pulled me out of myself – I just want so much to give you the world you gave back to me, is all.”
Neither moved from their positions, both simply enjoying the comfort of belonging. ”Well, I think this is the best way this whole mess of my own making could have turned out.” Ted remarks.
"And what way is that?”
Ted let out a snort at that. “You’re really going to make me tell you, huh?”
“I’m afraid I'm going to insist, Mr. Lasso."
He hummed in contentment. “Well, those gorgeous blue eyes of yours have completely defeated this college-educated brain of mine; I don’t know if I have the ability to be eloquent right now.”
"You don’t have to be Lord Byron, Ted,” Rebecca joked while playing with the ends of his hair. He has never been so happy to have slacked on his regular haircuts. It barely had even the hint of a curl to the ends, but if she kept messing with it like that he might develop a bit of a fondness for the shaggier look.
“Well, how about I give it a try anyway? For the heck of it.”
“If you insist.”
"You make me feel strong for letting myself be weak. Comparing you to the sun feels unfair because how could I expect it to shine as bright when it knows it could never have what you have." Ted told her, "I'm not saying I'll always make you happy or that we won't fight or disagree or that we'll be attached at the hip all day, everyday. But all I ask is that you let me try. Let me try to be the man you deserve, Rebecca Welton. Let me be the man you say that you see when you look at me and I promise I'll do everything I can to make it worth your while."
"That's a hard sell, sir. I hope you know what you're doing."
"No, ma'am I do not! But I promise to give it one heck of a fuckin' go."
Rebecca's eyes lit up and she laughed with a bewildered look on her face. She gave him a knowing look and said, "you only do that because you know it always gets a reaction out of me."
His mouth said "There's no way of knowing." but his cheeky, little smile might have dimed him out.
Rebecca takes a deep breath and with her eyes full of resolve, grabs Ted's collar and kisses him and presses against him with her whole body. Ted has stars in his eyes when he looks at her and he thinks they seem to reflect back at him or maybe it's just her eyes are full of stars, too.
"Rebecca Welton, I love you to the moon and back."
"Ted Lasso, I love you even further."
Ted is still laughing with pure happiness when he goes to dip her into the next kiss. He can't be certain, but he's pretty sure both of them smile through most of the next ones, too.