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He misses her when she leaves. Of course he does.
Her frozen hands in his warm ones, the lines that form her face made paler by the moonlight that usually accompanies their work. Hong Ji Ah’s presence has much in common with that of a crow perched on a tree branch, watching passersby with dark, intelligent eyes. Except that the crow would have blood red lips instead of a sharp beak, a long black coat in place of wings. Or maybe he’s become stuck in a useless metaphor again, thoughts all tangled up in her.
It’s generally believed that distance, be it in time or space, brings about clarity of thought but In Beom is inclined to dispute the claim. His thoughts regarding Ji Ah have only lost coherency in the months since her departure.
He sits, following falling leaves with his eyes as he wonders whether she’s gone somewhere warmer or colder than Seoul in the fall. She was never fond of traveling so he imagines she’s still in Korea, but from the lack of information on her whereabouts, she could be in South America for all he knows. If she is, then it’s spring instead of fall and the flowers are blooming instead of dying.
Once again, his thoughts have gotten away from him. In Beom has never done well with keeping still in one place and knows he’d happily accompany her on whatever adventure they inevitably encountered. Instead he’s stuck in a waiting game with fate, hoping she’ll still want him around whenever she decides to return.
The overcast sky looms overhead and he thinks of last year when he first met her and the weather was much like this. It was the season of misty mornings and breath fogging in the air, when even In Beom had felt the cold. Ji Ah wears heavy coats even in summer and he can’t imagine what she must have felt upon finishing an exorcism. He’d seen her shiver, from light tremors to full-on teeth chattering on a particularly bad night.
As always, he’d offered his hand to her, but was surprised when she yanked him forward and burrowed into his chest. His hands had rested lightly on her back, afraid he would somehow spook her, and they had stayed that way until she’d declared she was warm again, broken out of the embrace and walked off in the direction of her car, muttering something about king dumplings.
It was small, not really a triumph by any significant measures, but the thought of being useful to her in some way had made him smile.
_____
If someone had told Ji Ah a year ago that she would come to miss In Beom’s constant presence in her life, she would’ve laughed at them. He was so unlike her, she thought.
Optimistic, quick to smile and with a penchant for wearing clothes lighter than someone constantly being thrown across the floor had any right doing.
And yet.
She stares out the train window at fields passing by and hears her mother’s voice in her head explaining the neverending harmony of yin and yang and though it’s ten in the morning she suddenly wishes she had a beer in hand.
There’s better ways to cope, she reminds herself.
Serves her right for deciding to go on a journey of self discovery. As it turns out, many wise people across the world have similar thoughts on clarity of mind being important to connect with one’s inner world and hidden abilities. The annoyance she feels at their words tips her off to the fact that they’re probably right. Better to let In Beom buy her several plates of food instead.
Damnit . He’s been on her mind more than Ji Ah cares to admit.
Warm hands clutching her cold ones, strong arms lifting her from water that threatened to drown and holding her close. Running headfirst into a job and knowing he was half a step behind her.
Feeling her heart drop at seeing him disappear over the ledge of the abandoned building the second time he'd been possessed by his uncle's ghost. The nameless fear that had only come into existence when she heard his body hit the ground below. She had run, faster than she'd thought she could, afraid that something had gone so wrong she would never atone for it.
In Beom's body had been broken, no doubt about it, yet the ghost had persisted in dragging him along. For all the knowledge on ghosts and exorcisms that her family had collected for generations, Ji Ah had still wanted to scream to the heavens and ask them how it could allow for such things.
Especially because the memory would disappear as soon as the ghost vacated his body. He didn’t know her fearing for his life, ready to do something reckless just to keep her promise of his safety. She’s cold to him, she knows, both in the figurative and literal sense of the word, but years of burying herself deeper and deeper have left Ji Ah with no other way to be.
The world is full of monsters and nobody can face them all, least of all her.
_____
The summer has gone once again when she finally reappears, a lone figure at the end of the street with dark sunglasses who rolls a suitcase behind her like she had gone for a weekend trip, not an entire year. In Beom isn’t home at the time, but instead receives a frantic call from Office Manager Joo who’s all too happy to share the news. The sudden urge to drop everything and immediately run to Daebak Realty invades him, but he does his best to temper it.
Surely, she’s tired from traveling, he reasons. No point in losing his cool when she’s safe and finally at home. Anyway, he knows the more hours that pass from the point of her arrival, the less likely to snap at him she’ll be.
Though for all he knows, she simply caught a train from the next town over. He still doesn’t really know where she went. On some level, it bothers him, and he wonders whether he should have looked for her or not. Truthfully though, he knows that the old adage is right and you can’t find somebody who doesn’t want to be found. Anyway, he respects her too much to have gone chasing after her for no reason.
It’s not like she was ever in any danger. The exorcist has always taken her combat training very seriously and is capable of having most grown men flat on their faces in a matter of seconds. Heaven knows he’s been on the receiving end of those skills more times than he cares to count.
Instead of doing something stupid like run all the way to Daebak Realty just to make sure that, yes she’s actually there , he goes to the bakery he once bought her macarons from, orders a dozen and waits for what he’s now come to know as working hours. It’s a long time before the sun sets and the moon rises into the dark sky.
When he walks into the realty office, he finds it empty. He can imagine Office Manager Joo slipping out early with a knowing smile on her face. If nothing else, her call was made with the sole purpose of making sure this meeting happened and In Beom knows he’s folded just by showing up here, but he can’t find it in him to care.
He stands before the stairs and looks up, realizing that he has no idea how this is going to go.
_____
Ji Ah sits cross legged on the floor in front of her television, the glow of the screen washing over the table before her and the empty plates of food on it. If there is something she can doubtlessly admit to having missed about the beat up corner of the city which she calls home, it was the easy access to all the restaurants she already knew she loved.
She hears a surprisingly hesitant knock on the door and somehow knows it’s him. Ji Ah calls for him to enter. The door opens and closes, and she hears his footsteps growing closer but keeps her eyes on the television in front of her.
He places a bag containing a sweet smelling box on the table in front of her. She eyes it briefly, then meets his eyes for the first time.
“What’s this?”
“Dessert,” he says.
Never one to hesitate when it comes to food, Ji Ah snatches the bag off the table and opens it to find it’s full of macarons. Probably the same ones he’d gotten her that one time.
She picks one from the box, biting into it instantly and he seems to take her hum of approval as an invitation to sit on the floor next to her. She glances at him briefly but says nothing. In Beom watches the saleswoman on the screen show off a particularly ugly coat as Ji Ah eats a second and then a third macaron.
“I got my powers back,” she says after she’s finished half the box.
He nods slowly. “I’m glad. I knew you would.”
“I’ll be opening for business again.”
“Do you think you’ll need a medium?”
She smirks. “Only if it’s a special one.”
He laughs. “I’m glad you’re back.”
She’s glad to be home, though she doesn’t quite care for the way her heart gives the tiniest of squeezes at the sound of his laugh. It’s ridiculously sentimental and not at all like her, but some small part of Ji Ah is glad he hasn’t somehow come to hate her during the past year. She knows he has plenty to resent her for, broken bones and unpleasant family truths delivered with bitter words she later regretted, yet she knows he doesn’t. It’s not his style.
Grating though she might find it at times, In Beom is an optimist at heart and loyal almost to a fault, despite what his previous occupation might lead one to think.
As she grabs another macaron, he fills her in on little details of the past year which her aunt didn’t get to share before Ji Ah had declared that she needed a nap. He and Chief Heo have made a business of erasing people’s digital footprints and despite what it sounds like, he assures her the business is perfectly legitimate, even if not all of their clients are. Soo Jung has finished her training at the police academy and is waiting to be assigned to a station. Chief Heo is very proud of her, and apparently beginning to plan what he considers will be the perfect proposal.
She’s glad for them, truly. Ji Ah remembers the girl shivering in fear at the world around her and feels somewhat proud that she’s mustered up the courage to live her life the way she wants to.
Unni indeed , she thinks.
Still, the room falls a little too quiet after the news of the couple’s intent of finding eternal happiness together. Ji Ah is no stranger to silence, having lived with the silent spirit of her dead mother as her only companion for years on end, and usually makes no effort to break it but, for reasons she’d rather not dwell on, this one makes her antsy.
She pushes the box with the remaining macrons towards In Beom. The crinkling of the plastic bag which holds the box is the only sound in the room.
He takes a macaron and bites into the pastry, staring at the television again for a few moments.
“Do you have any potential clients yet?” he finally says.
She looks ahead at the television too. The saleswoman is showing off an impractically small purse. “Not yet, but it shouldn’t be too long. People die every day.”
Just like that, she feels their usual dynamic shift back into place.
_____
The true shift comes a few weeks later, on the night of a particularly difficult exorcism.
Wandering spirits are never easy to deal with, he’s come to learn, but he knows from the way Ji Ah’s jaw clenches as they walk up to the location that she’s anticipating a fight.
Later he comes to, slumped against a wall and sees the cut on her cheekbone as she lightly shivers. It’s then that he realizes just how bad it was. He reaches for her hand and she lets him take it, but there’s a sick feeling in his stomach that tells In Beom he’s to blame for the thin red line on her cheek.
It’s a miserable cycle to be in, this thing they do most nights. Still he knows he wouldn’t do it if he didn’t know he was safe by her side. She keeps her hand in his for a few silent minutes, then,
“Let’s go back. It’s getting late.”
‘Late’ has an entirely different meaning for her than it does for most people, but she knows he understands. Tonight she makes no stops at restaurants or convenience stores and keeps driving until they reach the old building she calls home.
At the point in the street where they usually head off in opposite directions, he hesitates.
“Do you have a first aid kit or something?”
She raises a dark eyebrow. “Are you hurt?”
Come to think of it, there’s an ache in his shoulder that definitely wasn’t there before, but he doubts a first aid kit would help. He shakes his head. “No, but you are.”
“I’m fine.” she says flatly.
“No you’re not. Please let me help.” He knows he probably sounds desperate, but he won’t be able to sleep properly if he doesn't at least try to make it better.
She hesitates, then tilts her head toward the door of the realty office, effectively inviting him in.
The office is well lit as always. After all, these are working hours for them. Ji Ah reaches behind the Office Manager’s desk and pulls out a small plastic box. She hands it to In Beom before leaning against the desk and crossing her arms.
It’s nearly empty, but he finds what he needs. He dampens a piece of gauze with antiseptic and raises his hand toward Ji Ah’s face before suddenly stopping.
“I’m sorry, it’ll probably sting.”
She gives him a look that indicates she’s perfectly aware of the fact.
He nods. “Right. Got it.”
As lightly as he possibly can, In Beom cleans the cut on Ji Ah’s cheek. Her jaw tightens but she neither flinches nor says anything and it’s proof enough that she’s been through worse. He continues by putting antibiotic cream on a cotton swab and approaching her again, but the angle is all wrong. He tries to adjust before giving up.
“Can I just…” the sentence dies, directionless. Nonetheless, she nods.
This time he carefully places a hand under her chin, carefully holding her head in place as he leans closer and applies medicine to the cut. As he does, his mind is torn between two thoughts. The first is frustration at memory loss being a side effect of his damned psychic powers. The second is the impertinent realization that he’s never been this close to Ji Ah.
He manages to stay on task though, and if his hands tremble a bit as he closes the first aid kit and hands it back to her, he hopes she doesn’t notice. In Beom quickly bids her goodnight though it’s now closer to dawn than anything and hurries home before he can do something stupid.
Tossing and turning in his bed does nothing to quiet his thoughts instead, bringing the dreamlike, half forgotten memory of her hands on his face, gently probing for wounds. Half asleep, he imagines her gentle but firm touch drifting further. Glossy black nails running lightly down his neck and toward his chest, running down the length of his arms before finding the pulse points on his wrists. The thought of her icy fingers warming against his skin the longer they stay on him does something to the pit of his stomach and he decides not to dwell on it as sleep overcomes him once more.
_____
Ji Ah’s reflection stares back at her from the bathroom mirror.
Dark circles are visible under her eyes and she knows she should go to sleep before the morning can catch up to her, but she stays rooted to the spot and stares at her face. Stares at the glossy line of antibiotic cream on her cheekbone.
As much as he probably wishes she had, Ji Ah had not missed how his steady hands had gone shaky as he closed the first aid kit.
The logical part of her wants to blame it entirely on the first part of the night, on the guilt that had entered his eyes as soon as he’d seen her face after waking. It’s clear he blames himself for things entirely outside of his control. She doesn’t share his concerns. It’s not like the possessing spirit unlocks some violent impulse within the host, she’s read enough dusty books to know for sure. Horrible as it may be, the medium is nothing but a vessel once the spirit enters. A particularly strong one like In Beom might on occasion try to wrestle back control of the body but she knows it’s rare.
If anything, it’s her who should feel guilty of dragging relatively ordinary men into the tangled web of a world that she inhabits. A black widow spider sending them off to do her bidding as she stands and watches them be tossed like rag dolls for her sake.
She has seen In Beom thrown against the floor too many times for it to sit quietly in her heart. Still he wakes up and offers her comfort, his good humor never far behind. Does forgetting make it easier? Or does he resent the fact that the memory of his nights was now littered with holes?
The touch of his hands had been featherlight. Slender fingers against her chin and barely touching her cheek, seemingly unaware of how he’d almost leaned over her. She’s surprised to find that the thought of tugging him down towards her by the crystal necklace he always wears, threading her fingers firmly in his silky hair, holding his head against her neck, and feeling his warm breath ragged against her skin sends a momentary thrill down her spine.
She really has to make more of an effort to pull herself together.
The result is admirable, as she’s almost able to look him in the eye the next day. By the end of the week, she’s able to bring deadpan humor up to the surface again. One or two jobs pass by and she’s glad that they’re relatively easy. Jobs take longer to complete nowadays as the influence of ‘Medium (Special)’, as she still has him saved in her phone, gets further under her skin and they often find themselves tying up loose ends from the lives of their clients. Ji Ah realizes that she minds it less and less as time goes on.
One night they find themselves sitting on the floor of some abandoned warehouse after an exorcism, holding hands as they lean against the wall. There’s salt in his hair from where he’d collapsed after she’d exorcised the spirit and she briefly wonders whether she should brush it off. Instead, she decides to take a leap forward in another way.
In Beom beats her to the punch. “It’s fine, you know,” he says.
Ji Ah frowns. “What is?”
“This, all of it. I’m here because I want to be. You don’t need to worry about it.”
She scoffs in disbelief that he’s worried about her when she knows he beats himself up for similar reasons. “Only if you stop feeling bad that your soul is built like a revolving door.”
“My…? What ?”
“It’s not your fault what the spirit does once they take over.”
He chuckles humorlessly. “It feels like it sometimes.”
“It’s not,” she says firmly.
He’s quiet for a moment, his hand holding hers just a bit tighter and she thinks she understands it. Eventually, he speaks again. “You know what we should do? A company vacation. I think it’s a great idea and it would really boost morale.”
She scoffs, already rolling her eyes but nevertheless lays her head on his shoulder, already feeling the warmth return to her body. After a moment's hesitation, In Beom shifts slightly and drapes his arm around her.
For a moment, in the stillness of the cold night, it’s enough.