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Being involved in the destruction and failures of the Conclave. Treated like a prisoner, but expected to serve? Burdened by a title I never asked for. Shoved with responsibilities as heavy that could crush the Maker’s strongest warriors; every one of those reasons were enough for me to have run away and disappear from the surface of this land forever. So what if they’ll die if I acted so selfish? We were doomed anyway!
Those were the thoughts I wanted to say, but alas even I wasn't selfish enough to just abandon it all. I still want to help Thedas heal from this madness, and I doubt I will ever forgive myself if I turn around now.
So I stayed with the Inquisition with Cassandra guiding me. I did see you, I did notice you. A handsome, responsible Commander of the Inquisition, stood confidently mentoring our volunteered soldiers. I swear to Andreste, I did not find your neatly-combed blond hair, your perfectly symmetrical face with a scar on your upper lips to be attractive at all. To other women, and some men, perhaps. But not me. I paid you no mind. I was too focused on figuring out our next course of plans. And so did you.
I wonder how you felt when I always favoured Josaphine and Leliana’s plans and tactics over yours. Did you think I was biased? Did you think I did not care? Perhaps I really didn’t. You were the only male amongst our ranks and you clearly favoured the Chantry way. I had no strong opinions of you.
However feelings can change. Mine’s did. It was the first time when I noticed you blushed and flustered at my harmless question about marriage. The way you turned your head away, desperately asking me to change the topic, and even the way you say “Maker…” I never realized it sounded like music coming through your lips. I always thought you were a fierce lion, a cold steel impossible to break through, but that fine morning changed every opinion I had about you. For the first time I realized I have been treating you unfairly. I thought you were stubborn, but I was the same. We got to know each other better after that. I listened to you talk about times as a Templar, and you listened to me about my stories in the Circle. Those times were… very sweet.
After that I paid attention to you more, even at the war table. I considered your plans and judgement, and was surprised at how thoughtful they actually are. I never said it then, but I apologized for underestimating you before. You are a smart man, Cullen. I shouldn’t have doubted you.
When our situation turned for the worst, you never gave up. At Skyhold I looked forward to seeing you more. Every time I came back from adventuring, I couldn’t wait to tell you of the stories. I found myself enjoying whatever new facts you have to tell me, as I slowly found myself missing your voice whenever one of us was away.
Yes, I was starting to miss you. Ugh. The first time I realized I had been catching feelings, I bit my fingers. I was a young woman in my late 20’s at that time, so to have myself acting like a teenager with a boy crush was very, very, very embarrassing to me. I think some of our friends noticed too. Whenever you’re not looking I ask them about you. They teased me of course. And I… for once, could not deny them.
I was falling in love with you. I, the Inquisitor, was in love with her own Commander.
What will outsiders think?
As we spent more time together, playing chess, taking strolls around Skyhold discussing about ourselves, and even the times I noticed you also glanced back at me during our meetings, my feelings for you grew stronger. I was sure now that it was love.
Every day after that I wondered if you felt the same towards me. Did you give the same gentle smile to everyone else other than me? Do you talk as much as you do whenever you’re with me? I hated myself for these questions and hated myself more to never have them unanswered.
So one peaceful morning, I chose that I waited enough. If you were not going to do the first move, I will.
I came knocking on your door like I did every other day. And just like every other day, you looked so handsome welcoming me in with that wonderful smile of yours.
“Cullen, may we have a moment? Just the two of us?”
“Yes, of course. What do you want to discuss?”
“It’s about us.”
Your smile dropped a little. I know you noticed that I noticed. The forced smile that you wore after did not suit you at all.
“Of course, Inquisitor. Let me sort my papers.” You had to address me as that title, mustn't you? But I wanted to be patient, so I waited. Watching you put away your documents on your desk and some into your drawers. You are such a tidy person. Agh! What a perfect man.
“Alright. Shall we?” Like a gentleman you are, you led the way to our usual stroll. Yet we both know none of us are fools. You knew today was going to be different.
“It's nice weather we’re having today, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“I mean… Maker, I knew this time would come soon. It sounded better in my head. I am not good at this…”
“Cullen…” I called out to you. I have to say it now, before you run away. Before I lose you.
“Cullen, you left the Templars. But can you care for a mage?”
I remember the surprise on your face when you heard that question. How your head turned and fell, as if you’ve failed yourself. Yet I anticipated your answer.
“Of course I do!” You stammered. “I just— I—“
You couldn’t turn your handsome face to me. I knew it wasn’t your fault. I knew better to know and understand that you, Cullen, have burdens you were carrying with you. It hurt me to see you unable to express yourself, your pain. You didn’t have to say it; I knew you held back because of your own fear,
towards no one else but yourself.
“Then what’s stopping you?” I stepped to your side. I did not want to intimidate you, I just wanted you to face me. Please, I plead internally. Look at me.
“You’re the Inquisitor.” You finally replied to me. Oh. “I’m your Commander. We’re at war. I…” I can sense your hesitation. And now I understand your concerns. “I didn’t think it was possible.”
Gently, I reached for your hand. “I’m still here.”
When you were finally brave enough to look at me, I gave you my warmest smile. I knew that you might have liked me, yet having a confirmation was a better comfort. And knowing my feelings were reciprocated, made me the happiest.
“You are…” You returned with his own soft smile. The softest I’ve seen. You leaned so near that I could feel your breath on my skin. I closed my eyes to brace myself—
“Commander Cullen! A report from Sister Leliana.”
We both leaned back and hung our heads low. I had to look away from the poor young lad, mostly embarrassed of myself. You probably noticed it too. With how red my cheeks turned so quickly.
“What?!”
I didn’t look, but from your tone I knew you were angry. Knitted eyebrows glaring at the pitiful soldier that walked into our agenda accidentally. I would defend him if I wasn’t too busy pretending not to exist.
“Sister Leliana’s report. You said to deliver it without delay.”
There were still some moments of silence. It was so quiet I almost thought you had eaten him alive.
“Or, to your office. At once.” I glanced to see him scrambling back into the tower. You sighed.
“Cullen, if you’re busy I can come back later—“
You didn’t let me finish the sentence; instead you kissed me. Holding me close by the arms as our warm lips met for the first time. So this is what you taste like. There were so many emotions running through my veins. I have never seen you more daring. I kind of liked it. That side of you.
“I’m… sorry. I couldn’t help myself.” You blushed so sheepishly that I found you so adorable. I can only return with a giddish smile of my own. I must have looked so silly. You didn’t seem to mind.
“That was perfect.” I whispered.
“ Oh. ” How dare you grin after sounding so surprised. “I’m glad.”
You kissed again, gently this time. And I closed my eyes to let our lips linger against each other longer. My admiration for you only grew after that second kiss. Our lips may be chapped, but I cared not for those.
“How long have you been waiting for this?” I finally asked while still in your arm.
“Longer than I let on.” You chuckled, seemingly more relaxed than you were a few seconds ago. That bright smile of yours made me forget about the war, even for a moment. How lucky I am to have that from now on.
How lucky I am to be yours.