Chapter Text
The Thursdays of Lily’s seventh year, made her feel like she was really working for her weekend.
Thursdays consisted of a double block of N.E.W.T. level Defense, followed by N.E.W.T. level Transfigurations, followed by a double block of N.E.W.T. level Potions. Arguably the three hardest of the core classes, at least for Lily, all rolled into one day.
One day where her brain didn’t get a chance to rest.
And when she walked into the defense classroom and saw ‘Patronus Charm’ scribbled across the board in Professor Bones’ nearly illegible handwriting, her stomach dropped.
They had been studying the patronus charm on and off for the last couple of weeks. Last Thursday was the first time that they had a practical lesson on the spell, and Lily hadn’t even managed to produce a white whisp at the end of her wand.
You know who did manage a white whisp?
James Potter.
Actually, by the end of the lesson, he had produced more than a whisp, he had produced a large funnel of white light that almost became corporal before disappearing in a flash. Professor Bones had awarded him 10 points to Gryffindor and Lily had given him a tightlipped smile of congratulations.
She dropped down into her seat and pulled out her textbook, hoping that maybe she was going to give another lesson on how to transfer the happy feelings into the spell. It wasn’t exactly clear. It didn’t make sense that the spell could decide that one memory wasn’t good enough anyway. If something made you feel happy, then that should be enough.
But she knew that it was going to be another practical magic lesson.
She wasn’t the only one in class that hadn’t managed anything last time, but Lily wasn’t used to being one of the students that struggled with a spell. She had always been one of the students that got something right away. She read all of her material before coming to class and made sure that she had all the wand movements memorized so that she started all her lessons with a leg up.
All it had taken was one smarmy eleven-year-old to mutter something about how Lily couldn’t cast ‘lumos’ correctly because she was a muggleborn, and Lily had made sure that no one would be able to say anything like that about her again.
But this spell was hard.
Really hard.
Mary plopped down on the stool next to her and sighed. “Here we go again.”
“You did better than I did last time.” Lily pulled her wand out and twirled it through her fingers.
“Hardly.” Mary gave her a look. “Did you come up with a new memory to think of?”
“No.” Lily shook her head. “But maybe it’s not the memory, maybe I’m mucking up the movements.”
“You never muck up the movements.” Mary argued.
Lily knew that, but she also knew that the happiest she’d ever felt was when she’d walked through platform nine and three quarters and realized that she really was going to Hogwarts. That it was a real place, and she hadn’t dreamt it up.
“Evans, MacDonald,” Remus’s voice sounded from the desk behind them, and they both turned around to greet the prefect. “Morning.”
“Morning,” They both replied.
“We’re doing the patronus charm again.” Lily blew her hair out of her face and frowned at Remus.
He frowned back at her. “Do you think this is going to be the spell they have us do for our N.E.W.T. exam?”
“Probably.” Mary muttered. “Since I can’t get it. Marlene and I tried for hours the other night and I couldn’t manage it. All I can get are sad little whisps.”
More of their classmates shuffled in. Peter joined Remus at his table and Lily turned back around in her desk when James and Sirius sat down at the desk behind them.
She was pretty sure that James had started to wave at her, but she wasn’t going to turn back around to find out.
Professor Bones swept into the room and smiled at them all when she reached the front of the room. Her smile was warm, and her entire demeanor was soft and inviting, but Lily continued to frown. She really struggled with not being able to perform a type of magic. If no one in the class had gotten further than she did, that would be one thing, but there weren’t any students who had done worse than she did and that was hard to sit with.
“I know that a lot of us struggled with this spell last time we worked on it, but I did give you an entire week to practice on your own, or work up the courage to try again here in class.” Professor Bones clapped her hands together. “So, let’s just go for it, yes? I’ll walk around and give you pointers, but I’d really like to just give you all the time you need to practice. This spell is so important, and I’d really like for you to get comfortable with it.”
At least there were only two Slytherins in class with them. If she’d had to endure this lesson with Wilkes or Mulciber or Avery or Rosier or Sev- Snape, it would have been even more unpleasant. But most of the death eater wannabes had opted out of taking defense against the dark arts.
She’d much rather put up with the smarmy looks from the Ravenclaw who was consistently ranked third in their year, than the mutterings of any of those boys.
Professor Bones waved her wand and sent all of their desks and stools flying to the edge of the room and told them all to spread out in a large circle so they could observe each other. Lily chewed on her cheek as she and Mary made their way to the edge of the classroom.
“You look like someone spit in your tea.” James Potter somehow ended up on the other side of her and Lily pressed her lips together. “Alright, Evans?”
She huffed and gave him a small shrug. “I just can’t get this spell.”
He ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “It is a tricky one.”
That only upset her more since he’d managed to do the best of the bunch in last class. And if he’d practiced at all outside of class, she was sure he’d manage a corporal patronus during this lesson.
“Can I ask what your happy memory is?” James asked.
Lily looked over at him and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
It wasn’t just because he’d done better than she had last class that she wasn’t thrilled to be talking to him just then.
James Potter had been made Head Boy this year, opposite her Head Girl. And even though she’d been expecting him to screw it up, take advantage of his position, or generally behave in a way that proved Dumbledore was made to give him the badge, he had been nothing but perfect at the job.
He showed up on time, and he docked points responsibly. He helped her fix problems between prefects, and he was patient with third years who felt like they were much older than they were. He stepped in when people were being too rowdy, he enforced the rules, he did his share of the paperwork and Lily never even had to remind him of the stuff they had to get done.
He’d shown himself to be worthy of the position, and on top of that, he was kind and funny and charming and helpful and he still managed to drive Lily mad with nothing more than a comment or a look.
She shouldn’t have been annoyed by his question, and she knew that she shouldn’t be annoyed by his question, but she was. Because she was annoyed with him, as a whole.
“I’ve tried a few different things.” She said with a shrug, not wanting to start a conversation.
“Like what?” He asked, and it felt like he was trying to start a conversation.
“I don’t know, like seeing the Hogwarts Express for the first time, or waking up on Christmas morning when I was seven, or the first time I did magic on purpose. Stuff like that.”
James nodded and pushed his glasses up his nose.
“More practicing and less chatting, please!” Professor Bones was looking in their direction, which made Lily clench her jaw in further annoyance. She hadn’t wanted to talk to James in the first place, and now he was getting her into trouble.
Or trouble adjacent anyway.
She raised her wand and tried to immerse herself in the feeling of hugging her mum and dad when she got home for Christmas Holiday her first year.
She carefully enunciated the spell and moved her wand in the exact right pattern, and yet…
Nothing.
Not a single thing came out of her wand.
She slumped her shoulders and turned toward James.
“What do you think about?”
He hadn’t yet managed a corporal Patronus, but it was only a matter of time and they both knew that.
James twirled his wand in his hand and shifted from one foot to the other. “It’s not a big memory.” His eyes almost glazed over, like he was transported back in time already. “I think about this one night in fourth year when me and the lads stayed up all night eating left over dinner and pumpkin pasties and our weight in candy. It was after exams, and we were all a little delirious. Nothing really happened, but it’s one of my favorite memories.”
Lily pressed her lips together. Staying up late with friends? That was his happiest memory?
She had been thinking about this entirely wrong.
“Dammit.” She let out a heavy breath and shook her head.
“What?”
She looked back at James and shook her head again. “No, not you. That memory sounds great, it’s just, Mary was right.”
“I usually am.” Mary spoke up from her other side. “What was I right about this time?”
“My memory isn’t good enough.”
“Oh,” Mary made a face. “I didn’t say that. I only knew you weren’t doing the other parts of the spell wrong.”
“That’s true,” James agreed. “You’re the most technically skilled in class.”
It was such an off the cuff compliment, said so casually, as though he complimented her all the time, that Lily felt like her brain was misfiring and she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to react.
And so she ended up just staring at him until he cleared his throat and turned toward the middle of the room.
He held up his wand and carefully cast the spell.
It wasn’t corporal, but Lily was fairly sure that she saw the snout of something come out the end before the white light turned into a funnel shape.
“Very good, Mr. Potter!” Professor Bones grinned at him
Lily chewed on the inside of her cheek and rolled her wand in between her hands.
What was the happiest she’d ever been?
It shouldn’t be a hard question. She had lots of happy memories.
And why shouldn’t the thought of Christmas or Hogwarts be happy enough for the spell?
She closed her eyes and tried to sift through her memories. She could really use an organized pensive right about now.
Her eyes snapped open as she remembered the time that her and Petunia had made a pillow fort in the living room and forced the poor cat to sleep in there with them all night. They had stayed up watching late night television and painting each other’s nails. That was before she’d met Severus and her and Tooney were still best friends.
It made her chest ache, but she remembered how happy she had been and how the two of them hadn’t been able to fall asleep because they hadn’t been able to stop giggling.
She held up her wand and tried to cast the spell again.
This time, white light shot out into the classroom.
It didn’t last long, and it didn’t take any kind of shape, but there was light!
She glanced around her to see if anyone had noticed that she hadn’t completely failed that time, but Mary was focusing on her own wand movements. James had noticed though and he gave her a small smile of encouragement.
Lily felt her cheeks heat up and she quickly looked away. Why was he standing next to her? He was always in the middle of his group of friends. But Remus, who she was actually friends with, was standing four people down from her and instead, James was next to her.
Class went on and she tried different memories, that focused less on the importance of the moment to her overall life, and more on the genuine feeling of pure happiness.
James tried the spell a few more times, getting more light and some shape, but nothing corporal. He spent most of the class helping his friends.
Mary was producing quite large shields of light by the end of class, and Lily was consistently producing shields as well. She knew now that she just had to find the right memory, the right feeling in her chest that wasn’t tainted with any other emotions.
There was only fifteen minutes left of class when Professor Bones stopped in front of James and nodded at him.
“Alright, Mr. Potter, let’s have another go, yes?”
Lily put her wand down and turned her head to look at him.
“Right,” James said, pushing his glasses up his nose as he took his stance, one leg slightly in front of the other, his feet about a shoulder’s width apart, his wand arm raised at the perfect height. He narrowed his brow in concentration and then spoke clearly, “Expecto Patronum.”
The entire class seemed to gasp in unison as a perfect rendering of a stag jumped from the tip of his wand and landed in front of James before it began prancing around the room.
A fully corporal patronus. He’d managed it.
Lily did her best to keep from feeling jealous or comparing her own accomplishments to his. She clapped along with the rest of the class and when he turned to look at her, his face entirely lit up at his triumph, she did her best to give him an honest smile in return. It was an incredible feat of magic, after all.
“Brilliant, Mr. Potter!” Professor Bones clapped her hands as well. “Twenty points to Gryffindor! Absolutely brilliant!” The professor looked around the room, her eyes briefly dancing over Lily before she walked away.
Lily could tell that she was purposefully choosing not to ask Lily to attempt the spell immediately after James had managed to execute it perfectly, and that stung a little, but not more than Lily found it relieved her.
“A stag,” Sirius’s voice cut through the din of the classroom. “Who would have thought?” He laughed, and Lily could tell he was making some kind of joke, but it was lost to her.
“Shut up, Sirius,” James’s hand jumped to his hair, and he looked over at Lily. Almost expectantly. “I didn’t think I was gonna get it today.”
Lily pressed her lips together and nodded. “It’s very impressive, Potter. Were you still thinking about the memory of you and your friends?”
He froze for half a second, long enough for her to notice, but then shrugged. “Nah, I picked a different one.”
“I wish the spell wasn’t quite so temperamental.” She said, not feeling as though it was her place to ask what his happiest memory had been if he wasn’t going to offer it up.
The clock was still counting down to the end of class and Lily really wanted to try again before they had to head to their next class.
She’d tried other memories with Petunia, she’d tried memories of Sev, she’d tried memories of her and Mary, but nothing had given her a corporal patronus.
And then a memory came to her.
A group of her housemates that had stayed for Spring Hols last year. It was early April, the snow had melted, there was still a chill in the air, but the sun usually chased it away by midafternoon.
She had stayed, so had Mary, James, Remus, Sirius, and a few others in the years above and below her. In total there had been about a dozen students.
One afternoon, they had all wandered out to the courtyard in front of the school and decided to play gob stones. A few students from other houses came to join them and they got a tournament going before too long.
Lily had sat there in the middle of the most magical place she’d ever been, surrounded by her peers, and she had never felt more like she belonged where she was. When she was home, she felt like she had to hide the magical parts of herself, and when she was in school, most of the time she felt she had to hide the muggle parts of herself, but for that afternoon, her knowledge of the muggle game of marbles helped her team score extra points and everyone wanted pointers and even though her team didn’t end up winning the tournament, the winning team had adopted the strategy that her father had taught her when she was a kid and she just felt like she wasn’t meant to be anywhere else.
Lily had smelled like week old garbage at the end of the afternoon thanks to the gob stones, so she didn’t think it would work as her happiest memory, but nothing else had made her feel as content as that day had, horrible smell or no.
She took her stance and held up her arm.
Professor Bones walked to the front of the room and held up her hands, about to draw the classes attention for a quick recap before the end of class.
“Expecto Patronum!” Lily stated clearly, rushing to make sure she spoke before the professor.
The light she’d been achieving shot forward, but this time it started to take shape. Lily held onto the happy memory, willing herself not to lose concentration as she watched the light bend and form.
“Oh, Miss Evans, very good!” Professor Bones cheered, clapping her hands together as a white, slightly wispy creature, stood in the center of the classroom.
“No bloody way,” Mary lightly tapped her shoulder. “And just when I was starting to think that I might get this one before you.”
Lily could hear their praise, but they sounded almost as though they were underwater. She looked at the animal that still stood in the middle of the room and watched as it turned it’s head this way and that, as though it were capable of inspecting it’s surroundings.
It was a doe.
She was graceful and elegant as she turned around and started walking back toward Lily. She had her head tilted curiously, her white eyes wide.
She was the exact match to the stag that James had produced earlier.
And James was standing right next to her. What if her patronus wasn’t walking back toward her? What if she was walking toward-
A rush of nerves had Lily dropping her wand back to her side and the doe disappearing in a flash. She felt her cheeks splotch red as well and refused to look in James’ direction.
“Excellent work,” Professor Bones was in front of her now, a wide smile on her face. “I’ll award Gryffindor another ten points.”
And then she was addressing the entire class and Lily wasn’t listening to a single word she was saying.
They’d been studying this spell for a while now and Lily had read as much as she could about the theory of the spell, trying to understand it so well that it couldn’t possibly give her any trouble in class.
She knew what it meant to have a patronus that was a match for someone else’s patronus.
Mary nudged her with an elbow as Professor Bones waved her wand, the desks and chairs slowly making their way back to where they had been. “So what memory finally got it for you?” Mary asked, and Lily couldn’t figure out what she meant for a minute. But then she heard Sirius laugh.
“Yeah, I wonder what she was thinking abo- oof.”
Lily resolutely kept her eyes on her bag as she collected all her things.
Determined to ignore everyone but Mary, she looked up at her friends confused face. “Would you believe me if I said gob stones?”
Mary had been looking over Lily’s shoulder, but she looked back at Lily with her brow raised. “Like the tournament from last year?” She laughed. “How did that beat out-“
“I don’t know.” Lily shrugged, her mind not focused on their conversation in the slightest. “Come on. We’ve got to get to Transfiguration before Beth and Nicco take our seats.” She hitched her bag up her shoulder and linked her arm through Mary’s.
They were almost to class, and blessedly far from any of the Marauders, when Mary asked. “So are you acting weird because your patronus-“
“Yep.” She interrupted Mary again.
“And that means that-“
“Don’t say it.”
“James Potter is-“
“Mary.” She warned.
“He’s your soulmate.”
“Mary!” Lily pulled her arm away from her friend.
Mary pinched her side and wiggled her eyebrows. “Oh come off it, Evans. You can’t keep pretending that you don’t fancy him. Not to me.”
“I don’t.” She muttered. “Now please stop before someone hears you.”
Mary relented but rolled her eyes. “You’re allowed to have feelings for a boy, Lily. Literally no one would fault you for it. Especially if that boy is, James bloody Potter.”