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In the time since the defeat of the Krang, the mood had slightly shifted in the lair. The quiet was palpable, accentuated by Leo’s silence as he lay asleep recovering from his injuries. The first night had been the toughest, Donnie thought, remembering the panicked thoughts racing through his mind as he’d scanned Leo for injuries and found many more than he even thought possible.
“Is it really that bad, DonTron?” Leo quipped, making some expression between a grimace and smirk.
Donnie hesitated to answer, overwhelmed by all the problems lighting up on his screen. “I…”
Leo’s smirk faltered a bit. “Look, do you need me to walk you through it? We both know I’m more of the medic around here, hermano.”
“No, no, you’re hopped up on adrenaline right now. You’ll crash pretty soon, and you need to rest anyways. I… I can handle it, Nardo.”
Donnie shook his head, willing the memories of that night away. It was long, and probably the scariest thing he’d ever had to do in his life, but Leo was okay. He was recovering, albeit more quietly than any of them had expected.
Donnie peeked into the medbay, his eyes resting on the rise and fall of Leo’s plastrum as he slept. Good. A hand suddenly hit his shoulder and it took a good amount of restraint to keep him from whipping around and knocking whoever it was in the head with his bo.
“Oh! Sorry Don, did I scare ya?” Raph looked away sheepishly as his hand slid off Donnie’s shoulder. “I was just gonna ask if Leo’s doin good.”
Donnie could sense some sort of guilt permeating Raph’s words, but couldn’t really understand why. “He’s doing great considering all of his injuries. But if you’re worried about the excessive sleeping, it’s just helping his recovery. He’ll be wiped out for a good week, I’d say.”
“It gets so quiet without him,” Raph sighed, massaging the space between his eyes. Donnie vaguely recalled Leo calling it his crevasse, which made Donnie miss him even more.
“Yeah.” Donnie could fill the silence, but somehow it felt almost disrespectful to Leo. He could never take his place, even if he’d… no, he shouldn’t think about that.
Raph must’ve noticed the shift in his expression, because his eyes grew worried. “Is everything okay, Donnie?”
“Fine. Just… missing my dearest brother, Leonardo.” He half-heartedly clasped his hands together, trying to convey his sarcastic yet truthful tone.
“I miss him too, Dee. Mikey does too… I think he’s tryin to distract himself with baking. Speakin of which, you want any brownies?” He pointed a thumb in the direction of the kitchen.
“No, maybe later. I have to check on Leo’s vitals currently.” Not a complete lie, although last time he checked was only twenty minutes ago. Really, he wasn’t sure if he could handle being with the two feelingsy-est brothers while his own emotions were in turmoil. He didn’t want to break down on them, not when they had their own issues to work through.
Raph nodded, none the wiser. “You get to that, I’ll go hang with Mikey.”
Donnie stood at the entrance to the medbay for a while after Raph had left, watching Leo’s barely moving body. Under any other circumstances, seeing Leo sleep this much would be nothing short of a miracle. He had a tendency towards insomnia, staying up until the wee morning hours until his messed up circadian rhythm finally kicked in.
Donnie walked into the room, sitting by Leo as he got to work checking on his vitals. Heart rate good, oxygen levels good, blood pressure good… everything seemed in order. He guessed that Leo’s concussion would be about healed, and the only visible reminders of his injuries now were the bruises and scratches all over his body, as well as the sickening cracks in the middle of his plastrum from where it had been stood on.
Donnie felt a shiver run up his back. He couldn’t fully know what had happened before Mikey had opened the portal, but he knew it had to have been bad. Leo didn’t talk about it when he was awake in between his naps that felt more like comas, but Donnie saw something different in his eyes. And that was saying something, considering how little Donnie tended to notice that sort of thing. It was like… Leo knew what would have happened if they hadn’t gotten to him in time. How could he not? Donnie again tried to force these lines of thought from his head, but it was growing harder and harder. He bit down on his lip, trying to focus on checking that all of Leo’s wounds were clean, despite having cleaned them not too long ago.
“Just need something else to ponder,” he muttered, not realizing he’d said anything.
“…ponder? What does that even mean?” Leo’s eyes fluttered open, bleary from sleep.
Donnie’s eyes grew comically wide as he scrambled backwards in his rolling chair, tilting it precariously. “Nardo, you scared the living daylights out of me!” Something in his tone suggested that although he was referring to Leo’s sudden awakening, he had a hidden meaning behind his words.
“Well excuse me Dr. Frankenstein, I thought you might like to see your creation wake up!” Leo snarked, holding his arms out and doing a crude imitation of Frankenstein’s monster.
“I’m surprised you even know that much about Frankenstein,” Donnie snarked back, without much of the same heart in it. He fidgeted with his hands, his eyes looking anywhere but at Leo now that he could see him watching.
Leo took note of Donnie’s closed off expression, holding back whatever scathing response he had been thinking of. “How have you been?” He tried his hardest to sound casual.
“Fine.” Donnie said, in that way that Leo knew meant he should stop asking. He fiddled with some of the medical equipment, checking on the IV bags.
“Really?” Leo attempted, raising an eyebrow. “Because this is the third time you’ve checked on me in the past hour.”
Donnie looked over in disbelief. “You’ve been pretending to sleep just so you could catch me taking care of you?!”
“Wha— I would never , how dare you think so lowly of me! Honestly, we’re brothe—“ he said smugly, only being cut off as Donnie bonked him in the head with his bo.
Donnie usually had something to say to any witty or sarcastic comments from Leo, but he found himself drawing a blank. What gave Leo the right to make fun of him for checking on him just a tad obsessively? Did he even realize how terrifying that night had been, when he wasn’t sure if they could save Leo even after they’d gotten him away from the Krang? Did he know how quiet it was without him, how much room for Donnie’s thoughts his absence had created? He sucked in a breath through his clenched teeth.
Leo did not have the good graces to notice Donnie’s inner turmoil. “Owie! I think you just gave me another concussion, Don.”
Donnie didn’t answer, trying to take a deep breath and not do whatever intense thing his brain was building up to. He was just so angry that Leo was acting like all of this was normal, like he hadn’t almost died, almost sacrificed himself and left the rest of them behind to deal with it. He seethed quietly, running his hands along his legs in a calming motion.
Finally, Leo noticed his discomfort. “Hey, I’m just messing with you. I actually was asleep for most of it, I just always hear you talking to yourself, man.”
“Just so I don’t have to deal with how quiet you are,” Donnie muttered, a deep hurt in his voice.
“Whuh? Speak up, sir, you know I’ve still got some of that good ‘ol post-concussion tinnitus,” Leo said casually, accentuating his point by rubbing a finger in his ear.
That seemed to be the last straw for whatever minor explosion was going on in Donnie’s brain, and his anger suddenly flowed out. “STOP THAT!” He slammed his fist on the table next to Leo’s bed with a loud thunk.
Leo made a small noise of surprise, shifting to sit up. “Woah, hey, what—?”
“Don’t keep acting like it’s all okay, like what you did was fine! Do you know how it feels, to… I thought that you were gone, Leo! Even when you got back, I thought for sure that I wouldn’t be able to… you had so many injuries I didn’t even know where to start, and there you were trying to walk me through it like you weren’t on the brink of death!” He gripped his arms so tightly he could feel his nails digging into his skin. He felt something else bubbling up, something he really didn’t want to feel or show or even acknowledge.
“Every time I… whenever you’re asleep and it’s just me, and Raph, and Mikey, I can’t help but think that this is what it would be like if we hadn’t been able to save you. And I… Leo, I can’t think about that, but I keep allowing myself to anyways, because I don’t have you to keep my thoughts occupied! But even now, when you’re awake, you just—!” He could feel that emotion he didn’t yet know bursting out, and he inhaled sharply, eyes stinging with tears and throat tight. “You act like you didn’t even do it! You act like you didn’t try to leave us all behind!”
He shook, trying to loosen his grip around his arms but not being able to. His throat felt like it was closing, and suddenly he couldn’t get out another word out, his mind clouded by the weight of what he’d just admitted. He couldn’t… he couldn’t think anymore. He needed to breathe. He couldn’t even register how Leo was reacting to any of this.
Leo was saying something… it was muddled up in Donnie’s harsh breaths and overwhelming thoughts. A hesitant hand rested on Donnie’s shoulder, and then another hand grabbed his own and squeezed it. Donnie squeezed back weakly. This was always the way Leo brought him back, even if he felt so ridiculous for making someone so hurt comfort him.
“…Donnie?” Finally, some words broke through the haze. “Hey Donnie, good, just keep breathing.” Leo’s eyes were concerned and extremely guilty.
Donnie took a deep breath, realizing his face was soaking wet with tears. He guessed he’d been reliving the feelings of that night, that he’d tried to push back until they suddenly burst through the floodgates, so to speak. He shakily removed his hand from his arm, still gripping onto Leo’s with his other.
“Donnie, I’m… I’m so sorry, I had no idea,” Leo floundered, noticing he’d regained Donnie’s attention.
“You… really… don’t think about the consequences of your actions,” Donnie said between breaths, clearly exasperated.
“Not really,” Leo looked away and rubbed the back of his head, uncharacteristically sincere. “I just… I couldn’t handle the thought of a future without you guys in it. I thought it’d be better if…” he trailed off, not wanting to bring that up so soon after Donnie had yelled at him for it.
“Well, it wouldn’t. We’d feel the same way if you weren’t around. Likely even worse, considering how much you hold us all together, okay? Your annoying, and frankly awful jokes are almost always the things that keep me from going completely insane.” A small spark of Donnie’s regular snark weaved it’s way back into his voice.
Leo smiled bittersweetly, eyes shining at the semi-compliment. “I won’t do that again,” he said, knowing he couldn’t fully keep that promise forever.
Donnie squeezed his hand harder, making sure it hurt. “You better not, you nincompoop. Or I’ll die too so I can murder you in the afterlife.”
“Yowch! Jeez, Donnie, I’m still a poor healing boy who needs you to be gentle!” Leo teased, putting his other hand in Donnie’s face.
Donnie smiled while rolling his eyes, feeling the weight of all his emotions lighten. Only Leo could create all of his problems and solve them in the same vein. He sighed exasperatedly, ready to fight Leo to get some good sustenance now that he was awake. Everything would be okay. Leo was right there, and he wasn’t going anywhere soon if Donnie or his brothers could help it.