Work Text:
The fire joyfully bristles in the chimney; long warm flames that attempt to free themselves from the ashes to fly above. They rhythmically dance alongside the music they created by devouring the wood underneath them. Red, orange and golden flames mix within each other in beautiful bright colors. They boldly illuminate the dim lighted room, as though they were created just to do so. Standing by the door, eyes transfixed within their beauty, Chan almost forgets himself.
“Hyung?”
His eyes painfully tear away from their focused gaze and forces him to snap back to reality. He blinks once at Hyunjin because he’s curiously looking at him from his bed, then twice to remind himself where he is.
“Can I help you with anything?”
“I—” he straightens his back and steps away from the doorframe he had accidentally been leaning against. He grips the doorknob of Hyunjin’s room with a trembling fist and hopes to god his brain starts working before his younger bandmate worries. “I— Yeah I came to check up on you, I—” he runs a hand on his face and ruffles his hair to give himself some countenance. His eyes find Hyunjin’s patient ones when he lowers his palm. The book he had been reading is now resting on his lap, and he doesn’t look impatient to hear out what Chan has to say. “Do you have some time tomorrow to drop by my studio? I need you to record some background vocals for some of the b-sides.”
Hyunjin frowns, and Chan immediately regrets his words. The younger dancer had a long day. He doesn’t need someone to remind him of work and annoy him about it when he’s finally relaxing in the safety of his room. All of his members are very adamant on separating work from home, but Chan still struggles in that field. His mind is constantly thinking. It doesn’t know boundaries when it comes to his working hours. There’s always something work related weighing his conscience. There’s always something to worry about. There’s always a deadline he needs to reach. Always a song he needs to review. Lyrics he needs to finish. Recordings he needs to touch up. Meetings he needs to schedule and attend. He’s always stressing and overthinking about them all, be it at the company or late in the night in the safety of his room. He shouldn’t be imposing this to his members. He shouldn’t be talking about work with them when they’ve all asked him multiple times not to mention it to them during their off hours if it can wait.
Chan’s insides twist in guilt, making his stomach painfully ache. His mouth is already opened to apologize when Hyunjin cuts him short. “Of course, I’m free tomorrow. Whenever.” He easily responds. His voice doesn’t hold any hint of annoyance in it. He tilts his head and narrows his eyes. Chan has the strangely comforting feeling that he’s seeing right through his soul. He feels seen. “Is that all you wanted to talk about?” Hyunjin asks with a hint of disappointment in his voice.
Chan slowly nods. He wishes that there was more to talk about. He looks around Hyunjin’s room as if he could find something to say hanging on the walls or hiding under his queen bed. Everything is so appealing in the bedroom; from the fairy lights gently lightening the corners of the walls to the fire casting a red light on the darkened room. He tries not to let his eyes linger and so he takes a step back and snaps his attention back to Hyunjin. “That’s all there is.”
An empathetic smile glazes Hyunjin’s lips. It makes Chan feel small. He’s a kid again, standing by the door of his sister’s bedroom after yet another nightmare had shaken him out of his bed. Her sleep had always been light; now that he thinks about it, maybe it had been his fault. She always woke up the very second he cracked her door open at an unholy hour of the night. She would scoot over, softly tap the space next to her, and as he ran to slither under her blanket that was too huge for both of them, she would sleepily cuss out the monsters that had dared terrify her brother.
He blinks the memory away. His sister and himself have both grown, and so have his monsters. He’s too old to be looked at like that. He’s too grown up to linger by his sibling’s doorway to hide under a blanket that would swallow him whole. He’s too old to ask for help, too old to want help. Besides, it’s not like anything bad happened anyway. He has no reason to stay this long by Hyunjin’s bedroom, but he has, and he’s pretty sure he’s already being weird.
“Night Jinni.” He ends up murmuring in finality, a small smile tugging his lips. He pulls at the door to close it on his face.
“Wait! Channi Hyung?”
Chan pushes back the door open. “Hmm?”
Hyunjin has sat up on his bed. His long legs are folded in front of him like a butterfly. He taps the space beside him. “Do you wanna come in?” He shyly asks. “I’m feeling a bit lonely.”
It takes Chan too long of a second to nod. “Y-Yean. Yeah for sure.” He steps into the room and nudges at the door behind him. It doesn’t fall closed, stubbornly remaining ajar, but it’s good enough. Hyunjin scoots aside, even if it’s not really necessary; his queen bed is large enough for three people. A bit awkwardly, Chan sits on the edge of it as though waiting for permission.
“C’mon. Come lay down.” Hyunjin adjusts the pillow next to him. His is squished behind his back. Chan climbs beside him, careful not to disturb the white sheets. His back aches and his head pleasantly throbs when he finally lays down. Hyunjin and the chimney are to his right while the window the bed is pushed against is to his left. The queen bed had been placed in one of the four corners after that one night Hyunjin had accidentally rolled and fallen off the bed. Chan side glances at Hyunjin who’s laying against the wall, the once discarded book close to his chest. A lamp is strategically placed to his right to cast its light down on the yellow pages.
“Are you comfy?” Hyunjin closes the book and abandons it on the floor by his head.
Chan switches his stare to the ceiling. Hyunjin had painted a map of the constellations on it with paint that glows in the dark. It never fails to amaze him. His eyes follow the lines that connect one star to the other while trying to remember their names. “Like never before.”
Hyunjin softly hums. He grabs a sketch book and a pen that were laying at his feet, and distractingly starts drawing.
“It’s cold here.” Chan mutters behind trembling teeth. He pulls the blanket from under him and slithers inside the warmness. An unpleasant shiver wrecks his body, making him feel like it’ll break him.
“You’re always cold when you’re exhausted.” Hyunjin lowers his sketch book to half-heartedly glare at his leader. “Did you push yourself too hard today?”
“Not more than usual.” Chan turns on his side so that he doesn’t have to face him. He can feel his stare on his back while his own eyes are transfixed on the window. Raindrops are comically racing down the glass. The storm outside mutely screams. “I’ve had way worse days.”
Hyunjin sighs in exasperation. “You’re accumulating fatigue Hyung.” He stresses out. “You’re being overworked. You’re meant to crash down eventually.”
Chan hums under his breath. It’s relieving to hear it from someone else. It feels good to have his hard work acknowledged. It reassures him to hear that it’s not just inside his head. That he’s not just being lazy or making a big deal out of nothing. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “You really think so?”
“Yes!” Hyunjin exclaims. “Of course, I do! A whole year of rest will not be enough to pay you back for everything you do for us.”
Chan breathes out a laugh. “I will try to rest more.” He promises
A comforting silence settles in the room. Hyunjin doesn’t insist, and Chan silently thanks him for it. He closes his eyes and let his mind be rocked by Hyunjin’s gentle humming.
He’s not sure what happens next. One moment he’s curled up under Hyunjin’s blanket, the fire illuminating the side of his face and the stars glowing above, and the next, he’s out like a light.
---
Chan makes sure to apologize the very moment Hyunjin is awake for accidentally falling asleep in his room last night. The bed might be large enough for both of them, but he never wanted to invade his younger bandmate’s space. It wasn’t his place to sleep there.
“You’re fine!” Hyunjin exasperatedly sighs in Chan’s studio the fourth time he tries to apologize. “You’re a far better sleeper than Jisung anyway. I barely felt you stir all night.”
“Hey!” Jisung shouts from behind the glass Hyunjin is recording in. “When did we even share a bed?”
Hyunjin gasps in indignation. “We shared one during Kigdom’s week AND skz-code!” He points an accusing finger at him. “You were a nightmare! You elbowed me thrice and you constantly threw your legs at me. It’s a miracle that I didn’t die! I woke up with bruises!”
Jisung crosses his arms on his chest. “It was a small bed.” He defends.
“It was a QUEEN BED!” Hyunjin shouts.
Chan laughs at them while Jisung pouts beside him. “You know what? I’ll need you to record your part again. All of them from the start.”
“What? You just said they were perfect!”
Jisung pulls a tongue at him. “I changed my mind!”
Hyunjin loudly gasps. “Channi Hyung!”
The rest of the day goes by smoothly. It’s the best Chan has felt for a very long time, and even their staff seem to notice it. He won’t admit it out loud, but he makes sure he finishes work early in the hope to catch Hyunjin before he falls asleep. It’s embarrassing and maybe a bit childish, but he hopes they can have a little moment like they had yesterday; a small chitchat around the chimney in a room devoid of artificial light.
He doesn’t have to think for long on a valid reason to go to Hyunjin’s room because he calls him over first.
“Channi Hyung!” He shouts when his leader walks past his bedroom. “Didn’t you say you knew one or two things about constellations?”
Chan cracks the door open and puts a step in the bedroom. He finds Hyunjin to the door’s right side, sitting on a chair in front of a blank canvas. “I do!”
Hyunjin discouragingly gestures to his ceiling. “I don’t know what to draw next.”
Chan stares up. “Hmm…” He thoughtfully hums, eyes flying across the wall.
“Lay down, your neck is going to ache like that.”
Chan doesn’t wait to be asked twice. He jumps on the bed and lays down horizontally so that he can have a better look at the center of the ceiling. “So, you started with Polaris right in the middle”
Hyunjin nods, a paint brush on his lower lip. “I did.”
“And then you drew the constellations around it so Ursa Minor, Camelopardalis, Cepheus and Draco.” His finger follows the painted constellations. “Logically, you could go with Cassiopeia next, which is located between Camelopardalis and Cepheus, or you can draw the Ursa Major. She’s right behind the Ursa Minor.” He points the blank parts of the ceiling where they would have to be painted. “Or there’s the Lynx but she’s a bit farther down.”
Hyunjin quizzically looks at him. “So… you recommend…?
Chan breathes out a laugh. “Cassiopeia. She’s the closest.”
“I didn’t know you knew this much about stars.” Hyunjin thoughtfully says. The fire in the chimney cracks in approval.
Chan closes his eyes as Hyunjin starts googling the constellation. He allows himself to bath in the warmness of Hyunjin’s room. The fairy lights gently illuminate the darkness; saving him a headache. The wind whistles outside the widow at his feet. “Cassiopeia is one of the easiest stars to see. It’s visible all year long. It has the shape of an M or a W depending on how you look at it. It consists of a total of five stars; the brightest one is Shedir.” The constellation appears behind his closed eyelids. He can feel a small smile on his lips. “Based on mythology, Cassiopeia was a queen who offended the beings of the sea: The Nereids.”
“What did she do?” Hyunjin curiously wonders. Chan can hear his pencil ever so softly brush against the canvas.
“She said she was prettier than them and they got mad. They cursed her to circle around the north pole while being chained upside down to her chair.”
Hyunjin thoughtfully tilts his head. “That’s pretty drastic and hard to imagine.”
Chan hums. Sleep is creeping up his neck and numbing his muscles. He flutters his eyelids open, but he finds them impossibly heavy. “Yeah most of the tales you’ll read in mythology are pretty extreme. They’re not exactly bedtimes stories.”
“How did you learn this much about stars?” Hyunjin asks in a whisper like tone.
“I wanted to include them in our lyrics.” Chan stretch his sour muscles. Hyunjin’s sheets are way too warm to stay awake. “So, I bought a small book about constellations and such. I didn’t manage to write about any yet but reading it has been really fun.”
“Lucky me!” Hyunjin joyfully exclaims. “I can use all of your knowledge to myself.”
Chan props himself up on his elbow. He lays on his side so that he can face Hyunjin. “Which constellation can I interest you in, my lord?” He teasingly asks.
Hyunjin’s eyes fly to the ceiling; thoughtful. “I’ve always been interested in the Leo constellation.” He confesses. “What can you tell me about it?”
“Well her principal star is called Regulus.”
Hyunjin halts. “Wait, like Regulus Black? Sirius Black’s brother in Harry Potter?”
“Yup! Half the Black family are named after stars.” Chan informs. “Sirius, Regulus, Draco, Andromeda…”
“That’s so cool!” Hyunjin turns to Chan wide interested eyes. “But let’s not stray from the subject at hand. You were saying about Leo?”
“Well, a long time ago, people used to refer to Leo to indicate the start of summer because that’s only when you can see it. It was named after the Lion because of the sheer heat of the season that is in accordance with the animal’s strength.”
Chan keeps going; unable to stop. No one in his entourage had ever shown interest toward stars. He received so many sighs of exasperation when he talked about it to his family and friends that he stopped mentioning it all together. His knowledge about it is a precious thing to him that he buried very deep within his chest. Well, until Hyunjin.
They talk about the galaxy, stars and constellations for a long time, deep into the night.
Somewhere along the line, Chan falls asleep before he acknowledged it.
---
Chan promises himself to stay away from Hyunjin’s room the second time he accidentally falls asleep in it. Hyunjin might be nice, but Chan doesn’t want to push his luck. It doesn’t even make sense to him; he usually has so much trouble falling asleep; why is it that he becomes so sleepy that he accidentally falls asleep in someone else’s room? It’s even weirder knowing that he normally struggles with places that aren’t extremely familiar to him.
Maybe Hyunjin has superpowers and bewitched him or something.
He had been doing well in his little self-given mission to stay away from Hyunjin’s room. He has to admit that their little late-night talks are dearly missed, even if they had occurred only twice. He was convinced that he wouldn’t find himself in the said bedroom anytime soon, until his cat went missing.
Chan had looked everywhere. He usually wouldn’t look for her. He prefers that she comes to him on her own will, which she does often because of how cuddly she is. Today happens to be one of the few exceptions. There’s a horrible storm outside and Chan wants to make sure she hadn’t accidentally been locked out.
She wasn’t in his room. She wasn’t in neither of Jisung’s or Changbin’s room. She wasn’t in the bathrooms, in the living room nor was she in the kitchen. He had looked under every furniture and in ever cupboard, but she was nowhere to be found. He didn’t even dare call her name because it was late at night and he knew Jisung was already fast asleep.
With a deep sigh that painfully rumbles through his chest, Chan stands up from where he had been kneeling on the living’s room floor to check for the third time if his mischievous cat wasn’t hiding under the couch. She wasn’t.
There’s only one place he didn’t look.
With shaking hands and trepidation rocking his heart, he walks toward Hyunjin’s room.
If she isn’t in there, that means she has been locked out, and she’s out there, under the storm. Chan will search for her all night long under thundering rain if he has to.
“Hyunjin, have you-” His words are cut short when a sleeping and very much purring white cat catch his eyes. She’s curled on Hyunjin’s chest under the book he’s reading; warm and safe. “Princess!” He shouts while rushing toward her. “Oh, thank god!” He sighs in relief as he scoops her up.
“Been looking for her?” Hyunjin lowers his book and stare up at his leader.
“I thought she has been locked out!” Chan cuddles the cat close to his chest. She opens lazy eyes and climb on him to rest her tiny chin on his shoulder.
Hyunjin drags his eyes back to his book. “You would have found her sooner if you weren’t avoiding me.” He accuses.
Chan’s heart tumbles at his feet. “What?”
He doesn’t receive an answer, but he can very much see that Hyunjin isn’t reading his book anymore. Only his eyes are fixed on the yellowed words.
Carefully, Chan sits on the edge of the bed, at Hyunjin’s feet. Princess happily slides down to continue her sleep on his lap. “Is that i- is that how I made you feel?” he stutters.
“Oh c’mon! Don’t pretend like you aren’t.” Hyunjin angrily lowers his book. “We spent two amazing nights chit chatting until 3 am and next thing you know, you wouldn’t even walk past my room for days.”
“It’s not like that Hyune, it’s just-” Princess jumps off his lap, as though she had sensed his growing discomfort and was getting annoyed by it. “You kindly welcomed me in your room and I accidentally fell asleep in it twice.” He looks up to Hyunjin to show him the extent of his remorse. “I slept in your bed without your permission and I don’t want it to become a habit. I don’t want to impose by presence to you or make you feel like you have to welcome me for a late-night chit chat session. I don’t know, maybe you just want to be on your own I didn’t- I don’t want to be a burden to you.”
Hyunjin abruptly sits up. He reaches to hold both of Chan’s hands in his own. “Hyung, you’re overthinking again.” He squeezes his hands and looks him deep in his eyes. “I love spending time with you. It makes me feel like- like we have something special.”
“Hyunjin…”
“I know that we’re always together,” he continues, “but as a group. When was the last time it was only you and me? I just- I just feel like I don’t have any special bond with any of you. Like I’m no one’s first choice.”
Chan opens his mouth, itching to comfort and reassure the man that has long been like a brother to him, but he holds himself back, knowing that Hyunjin needs to talk it out first. “I mean, you have a special bond with 3racha. Minho and Jisung are platonic soulmates. Jeongin and Seungmin are two sides of the same coin, Felix and Jisung are practically twins and he’s your Aussi bro.” His eyes divert to the side, full of anguish. “I don’t have that. With any of you.” He takes a broken inhale. “The last two days, the moment that we had, I don’t know it felt like I was finally having something special with another member. Something for just you and me and not the whole team.”
“Hyunjin that’s not-” It’s Chan’s turn to grab Hyunjin’s hand and squeeze them to make him look at him. “You do have a special bond with the other members. You can’t see it, but we do. Minho and you are like cat and dog, in a good way.”
“Minho has Jisung.”
“But he also has you. We all share different bonds with different people, but that doesn’t mean that he likes you any less. He can do things with you that he can’t with Jisung, that’s something special just the two of you share.”
“Like what?” Hyunjin snaps, not sounding convinced.
“I’m pretty sure he can’t wrestle or stuff paper into Jisung’s mouth without hurting his feelings. That’s your dynamic with him and I know you both like teasing and playing with each other like that. I know it’s something very precious to Minho even if he doesn’t say it out loud.” Chan reassures. “Besides, it’s not just about you and Minho. You’re Jisung’s bestie. He tells you stuff he doesn’t tell any of us.” He keeps talking when he notices Hyunjin’s posture starting to relax. “You’re Felix’s role model. I see the way the looks up to you. He likes to style himself like you, he started confidentially growing his hair thanks to you, and he even likes to share the same rings as you. He hasn’t removed the rings you gave him for what? A year now? They were present in both Oddinary and Maxident trailer. I don’t have that with Felix. You do.”
A soft smile appears on Hyunjin’s lips. “I guess you’re right.”
“Oh and I’m not even done.” Chan laughs. “You and Seungmin are each other’s number one fan. You know how much confidence and strength he gains from your support. Jeongin sees you more like a real brother than any of us, and you know it’s true. Plus, you’re the only one that knows how to make Changbin genuinely laugh.”
A teasing grin appears on the corner of Hyunjin’s lips. “What about you and I?”
“You’re my Hwanzalez.” Chan softly smiles. “You see me in a way other don’t. You made me want to do more for myself.” Without his permission, his eyes tear up. “You made 10 years old Bang Chan feels safe.”
Hyunjin’s expression shifts into a pained one. “Hyung…”
“I’ve been thinking about why I get so sleepy when I’m here with you.” Chan continues, blinking away the tears because god it’s embarrassing, he should be comforting Hyunjin not be the cry baby. This is not about him. “And this might sound dumb and cringe, but I think my inner child feels safe with you. Safe enough to fall so easily asleep when he struggled so much to not feel in danger in his own bedroom.”
One moment, Chan is cold; soul bared open, and the other, he’s engulfed in strong and warm arms. “Let’s do this yeah?” Hyunjin murmurs in his hair with a voice hat tries to not fail him. “If I ever want to be alone, I’ll close my room. If not, it means I’ll be honored to talk until 3 am and have a sleepover together. Just you and me.” He steps back, giving Chan space to breath. They look a bit stupid; Chan realizes. Their eyes are red, and they bear shaking smiles, but it’s the most at peace he’s felt in a very long time. “How does that sound?”
“It sounds perfect.”
Princess meows in complaint at being forgotten and left without cuddles.
----
“YOU WERE NEVER HERE!” Felix screams, frustration and anger making his voice shake. “YOU WERE NEVER FUCKING HERE!”
Chan stares at him, eyes widened in shock. His body is frozen in the hallway; unable to move. All of his members are standing opposite him, eyes full of betrayal and hurt. “YOU’RE ALWAYS HIGH UP YOUR HORSES, PRETENDING THAT YOU SAVED US.” He gestures to the members behind him. “YOU RUINED US. IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOUR SHITTY ASS SONGS, WE- WE WOULDN’T-” he chocks on his words, tears swelling his eyes. He is wrecked by cries that tears at his body.
Changbin puts a hand on Felix’s shoulder and steps forward. Minho hurries to hide Felix in his arms and lets him throw up gut-wrenching cries within them. He hides him from him, as though Chan will hurt him; will hurt them. There’s such a huge distance between Chan and his members that it makes him feel like a cliff had dug itself between them.
“We’re tired Hyung.” Changbin begs. “Jisung and I are tired of trying to fix the mess behind you. You know that your producing skills were never good, do you?” He sighs; deep and long. “It doesn’t matter now. They forced us to disband because of your incompetence.”
Chan opens his mouth to speak, to beg for their forgiveness, to beg them not to leave him behind, but he finds himself unable to utter a single word. He sees them walk away, he sees the seven people he would die for abandon him and Chan can’t move, can’t speak. Boiling tears clogs his airway but all he manages to do is let them overflow on his pale cheeks. He hisses a breath that refuses to be let out, and just as his knees are about to crash on the floor, he brutally startles awake.
His room is plunged by darkness. He can barely decipher the shadow of his TV hooked on the wall. It comes in a slow realization that eases the rapid beating of his heart; it was a dream. A nightmare. Relief washes over his body; releasing the pain in his muscles. His blood rushes in his ears and his breathing comes out shallow and quick. It was a nightmare; he repeats to himself. Nothing is true. His members don’t hate him. They didn’t disband. It was all- it was just a nasty dream they don’t- they don’t—
He wants to cry. He wants to cry and sob and roll into a ball under his bed. The dream is still so vivid. So fresh in the front of his mind. Felix’s screams still ring in his ears. Changbin’s words still burn his throat like inserted spikes. What if there was truth to their words? What if they’re really mad at him?
He stays still in his bed, looking without seeing the darkness that swallows him whole. Only his breathing and the deep humming of fridge resonates in the silence of the apartment. He glances at the digital numbers of his clock. 4:43am.
A shudder runs down his spine when his feet kisses the floor. Goosebumps crawls up his skin as he abandons the blanket behind him. With weak legs, he walks out of his bedroom and walks straight to Changbin’s bedroom who’s just next to his. He just needs to make sure that they’re all still here. That they didn’t abandon him because he— because he ruined them.
Changbin is fast asleep in his bed, and so is Jisung. One of them is softly snoring while the other is sleeping upside down. They look unbothered and peaceful enough. Hyunjin isn’t in a better state of consciousness. His door is cracked open, and by his side, Princess is peacefully sleeping. She seems to have found a haven in the dancer’s bedroom as much as her owner had. She lifts her head when she hears him and softly meows to call him over. Chan can still vividly remember when she was only a small white ball of fur in Minho’s excited hands. “I know you always wanted a cat but never dared to get one.” He had excitedly said while handing her to him. “So, I dared in your stead.”
Minho, who had looked at him as though Chan had stabbed them all in the back. Minho, who had hidden Felix in his arms to protect him from him. It might only have been a nightmare, but Chan knows Minho will protect the younger members over him If it were to come to it. He would take their side. He would turn his back on him if he does them wrong. There was too much truth in his dream. Too much things that could happen in reality. If he isn’t a good enough producer, if he ruins them, they will abandon him.
He debates with himself for far too long. Maybe he could just climb on Hyunjin’s bed and lay down next to him. There’s a big vacant place next to the window only occupied by Princess who Chan is sure will be very pleased on receiving cuddles. Hyunjin won’t mind, he repeated it multiple times enough. “Why do you think I bought a two-place bed? For unplanned sleepovers of course! You can always come whenever.” He said only yesterday.
Standing in the cold hallway, feeling impossibly lonely and scared, it’s hard to refuse the offer. He can’t go back to his room. He can’t go back in there, where his nightmare is still staining his blanket and pillow; waiting to engulf him back in its horrendous arms the very second he finds his bed. Just the thought of it makes him nauseous.
And so very carefully and as silently as possible, Chan enters Hyunjin’s bedroom. He climbs on the bed and crawls up to the pillow to curl up in a small ball in between Hyunjin and the wall. Princess nudges his nose with her own and softly meows.
Hyunjin stirs and Chan freezes.
“Channi Hyung?”
“Hey.” Chan whispers. He feels like a child caught doing something he shouldn’t, and yet, there’s relief that release the tension in his chest. He didn’t want to admit it, but maybe he wanted Hyunjin to wake up. Maybe he wanted someone to ask him what happened. Maybe he wanted comfort, even if he knows he shouldn’t. He has taught himself to swallow down the sobs and call it a day. He has learned the hard way that talking about his pain will only transfer it to someone else without releasing it from himself. Asking for help is embarrassing. Crying is shameful. He can’t be weak. He can’t let a fucking nightmare take a tool on him, but here he is, looking for comfort. It’s not like himself. It’s not like the Chan he raised.
“What happened? Is something wrong? What time is it?” He sits up, mind still numbed by sleep. He reaches for his phone under his pillow and narrows his eyes at the bright screen. “Did you have trouble sleeping?”
Chan sits up. He uses the wall behind him as support. “No. No I-I had a nightmare.” He stutters. “I’m sorry I didn’t want to wake you up.” It feels and it sounds like a lie. It was more than a nightmare. It’s always more than just a nightmare.
“Oh no.” Hyunjin breathes out, sounding completely awake. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He gently pounders.
Chan nods. He feels collected enough to reminisce the dream. “We- We were in our old dorms. You were all standing in front of me and-” his throat becomes sours. It’s as if daggers had suddenly grown inside it. He tries to swallow down to clear his vocal cords, but it only manages to bring the tears in the forefront of his eyes. “and Felix was- he was crying, and he was saying that I ruined you all and that-that” cold tears burn their way down his cheeks. They’re so sudden, so unexpected, that Chan is left shaking and trying to find his way through his slurred words. He was so sure that he was calm enough, so sure that it wouldn’t be that easy to make him cry.
“Hyung…” Hyunjin reaches out to rub his shoulder but Chan is unable to stop. He needs to let it out. He needs Hyunjin to know.
“that I’m the reason we disbanded.” He cries out.
“Hyung we haven’t disbanded. We would never.” Hyunjin tries to reassure. “It was just a nightmare.”
“B-But But-” Sobs break his speech and makes him stutter. His chest is heaving and he’s hiccupping, and he knows he’s being too loud but there’s no way out, he’s too deep in. The nightmare is so fresh. It feels so real. Everything about it is so clear in his mind. He remembers every said word, every tear, every facial expression. “But Changbin said- Changbin said that my tracks are sobad and that him and Jisung are t-tired of fixing them behind me and I-I-” he turns to face Hyunjin in the hope to make him understand that Felix is right. He’s destroying them. They need to kick him out before it’s too late. “I’m the reason we disbanded. I’m the reason we didn’t succeed. Because I make the tracks. Because of my shitty producing skills. It’s all because of me. It’s all- all-”
Hyunjin submerges Chan in his arms in one swift movement. He rubs his back up and down and whispers words that Chan isn’t able to hear. His own sobs drown his tears as though he were underwater. He cries and he wails in Hyunjin’s shoulder and his hands claw at his arms to keep him from drowning. It’s not just about the nightmare. It has never been about the nightmares. It’s what they tell. It’s not being able to swipe them away with the back of his hand because he knows there’s truth in them.
“-yung, Channi hyung.” Hyunjin calls while holding him closer. “You’re an amazing producer. An amazing artist and leader. We are successful thanks to you. It was just a nightmare. None of it was true.”
“But what if it is.” Chan stresses out. “What if Ch-Changbin and Felix really hates me. What if they really think that- that I’m horrible and- and that I’m ruining us?”
Wood cracks under the weight of one’s foot somewhere behind Chan. He swallows down his cries and let hiccups silently wreck his body. “What happened?” Changbin’s voice worries. “Is Hyung okay?”
“A nightmare.” Hyunjin responds. His eyes fly from Changbin to Chan when he recoils back from his arms. “A very bad nightmare.” He adds in a shaking voice as he keeps his full attention on Chan who’s furiously whipping his eyes. “Hyung is having trouble discerning reality from a bad dream full of horrible lies.”
Changbin walks in the room and sits on the edge of the bed. Chan can feel his heavy stare on him. “Can I help with anything?” He whispers.
“Hyung dreamed about you criticizing his producing skills.” Hyunjin explains. Chan keeps his eyes hidden behind the palms of his hands. His cries threaten to explode past his sealed lips. Fear consumes his lungs. He can’t hear Changbin scold him. He can’t do it. Not again.
“What nonsense is that?” The rapper angrily exclaims. Chan flinches. “Hyung, everything you create is a masterpiece.” He leans down and rests a hand on Chan’s knee. “We would have never come this far without you.”
“B-But Jisung and you a-always have to fix things after me. It-It’s never clean. It’s never perfect.” Chan wails.
“No one’s perfect Hyung. If we were, we wouldn’t be 3racha. Hell, we wouldn’t be Stray Kids.” Changbin patiently explains. “That’s what a team is for. We complete one another. You always have to revise Jisung’s and I’s songs and lyrics. You always produce and arrange our tracks for our solo songs. You’ve never complained and hated us because of it.”
Chan doesn’t find anything to say to that. Slowly, his breathing calms down and so does his tears. He sniffles quietly and tries to pull himself together. His chest doesn’t hurt as much, even if it’s only by a bit. It’s hard to admit, but Changbin is right.
“Who said that you ruined us?”
Chan almost startles. He lifts red eyes to Hyunjin.
“Who said it?” The dancer insists; looking determined.
“F-Felix.”
Hyunjin immediately reaches for his phone and opens his contacts.
“What are you doing?” Chan panickily asks as Hyunjin clicks on the younger Australian’s name and lifts his phone to his ear.
“You are far more important than anyone’s sleep.”
Chan simply stares at Hyunjin; stunned.
As they wait for Felix to pick up, Changbin lifts Princess from where she was worryingly looking at her owner and hands her to Chan’s who gratefully scoops her in his arms. “I’m going to get you a cup of water.” He whispers, just as Felix answers.
“Hey Lix, sorry for calling you late.” Hyunjin mutters into the phone. “No, we’re okay.” He reassures. His eyes worryingly shift to Chan. “It’s just that Hyung had a nightmare. Let’s just say that you were mean in it and Hyung thinks you’re really upset at him.” He nods and listen for a second that makes Chan’s heart fall. “Yeah, here you go.”
Chan hesitates for the span of a heartbeat before he takes the phone that Hyunjin hands him. His heart beats in his ears as he brings it to them. “Lix?”
“Chris?”
Chan breaks again right there and then. Heavy droplet of tears falls down on Princess’ white fur to disappear within it. A sob breaches out of his trembling lips even if he tries to muffle it in her neck. He can’t help it. Felix is too close to home. He has always been. Chan could almost fool himself into believing that he’s back in Australia, in the warmness of his home.
“Hyung, are you crying?”Felix worries, panic edging his voice. There’s some ruffling coming from his side. “Was I really that mean?”
“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Chan asks instead, because Felix’s words from his dream are too cruel to say out loud again.
“Of course not Hyung!” Felix almost shouts, sounding offended. There’s more ruffling and movement coming from the other end of the line. “I could never be mad at you. There’s nothing in the whole world that you could do that would make me upset at you. You’re that kind of Hyung.”
“Thank you Lixie.” Chan says since he can’t just hug him.
“I’ll be there in two minutes okay?”
Chan glances at Hyunjin in surprise. “Lix, you don’t have t—”
“I’m already on my way.” Felix cuts. “I know the door’s passcode so don’t bother moving.”
Chan defeatedly sighs. He can’t help feeling guilty even if he can’t wait to see Felix’s face to chase the sobbing one from his nightmare. “Okay.” He ends up saying. “Thank you.”
“See ya.”
Felix hangs up, leaving Chan to stare at the phone.
“He’s coming?”
“Yeah.” Chan slowly nods. “I think so.”
Changbin enters then, a warm cup of hot chocolate in his hands. “It’s getting pretty cold.” He says with a small smile. “I thought it would be better to heat your insides.”
“Thank you.” Chan responds. He barely has the mug in his hands for a second before Hyunjin takes it from him the moment he hears footsteps hurrying through the apartment.
Chan only has the time to blink before he has a handful of dark hair and freckles in his arms.
“Channi Hyung!” Felix shouts, a bit too loud, a bit too dramatically for it not to be obvious that he’s trying to make Chan laugh. Still, he succeeds easily. “I deserve a life sentence in jail! I deserve to be grounded of video games for years! How could I have said mean things to you in that horrible nightmare of yours?”
Chan wetly chuckles as he gratefully hugs Felix closer. He smells like the perfume Chan gave him on his trip back from Australia. The gentle smell of daffodils slip through his nostrils. It’s a smell Chan had clung into when he got homesick because it reminded him of the flowers planted in his grandfather’s garden.
Chan lets himself cry in Felix’s arms. He lets Hyunjin rub his back and Changbin watch over him from a distance to give him room to breath. He lets himself be weak, pathetic and fragile. He lets himself be truly seen.
Chan had never been this openly vulnerable because he had never done anything this courageous.
He knows that it makes him stronger even if it doesn’t feel like it. Even if it might never feel like it.
He knows too, that it’s okay to feel that way.