Work Text:
El always wondered three things,
- Why are there so many languages? English is already hard enough.
- Why does Mike always lie?
- Is love supposed to feel this way?
El always thought she was doing everything right, just like the women on tv. Signing her letters with 'Love, El', dressing up pretty, always doing as he says and showering him in love. But what did he do? The bare minimum, just like Max said.
He can't even sign his letters with 'Love, Mike'. Instead it's just 'From' everytime, even though she heard him claim that he loved her before. Was it a lie? But why?
El thought about this many times, and sometimes it even brought her to tears. It seemed so easy on tv, but then again, that isn't real. This is. And it sucks.
She doesn't know what she wants, but she knows that she's felt it before. Actual love, understanding and belonging. Mike could never give her that, even if he tried. They share no similarities.. other than being outcasts, maybe. But for Mike, he at least has people that are actually like him. El has no one.
He claims that he loves her, but she knows it's a lie. Maybe it's always been. And she knows that back then, when she was fighting against one, he was also lying. It brought her to tears, and she just wished for him to shut up already.
Perhaps, if he did, Max would still be herself.
But she can't blame him for everything. Yeah, he's a liar, but maybe he has a good reason for it.
El has always noticed the way Mike acts around Will, and how he looks at him. She may be a bit inexperienced, but she's not stupid. She can tell that he.. feels for him.
Does he love him?
Maybe he does. And maybe this explains everything. But if he loves someone else, then why is he still doing this? Why can't he just.. dump her?
At this point, she's not even convinced if she loves him anymore, if she ever really did. The only time she felt accepted.. it was with Max. She truly understood her, in some odd way. And she didn't try to restrain her in a box, telling her what to do.. But instead guided her into finding herself.
And she sometimes even catches herself thinking back to those days and smiling to herself, her face getting hot and the concern of "Do i have a fever?!"
But with Mike, it feels like she's being chained up and limited to do things he wants. When she confronts him, he simply brushes it off and blames it on others, not even acknowledging her concerns or feelings. When she tries to talk about something she likes, he doesn't know what she's talking about. And when he tried to thank her for the painting and she asked him what he was talking about, he explained that she commissioned Will to do some painting.
What does commission even mean? And did he completely forget that she told him she has no idea what Will was painting?? She was so angry and confused that she simply didn't give him an answer.
They are completely, and utterly incompatible.
And if he doesn't want to dump her, then she's going to dump him. Again.
"You heard me. I'm dumping you.", El crossed her arms, looking up at Mike with a determined look. She's not going to change her mind, and something tells her he knows that too.
"What— Why? What did I do?"
"What did you do?? How about lying to me? I know you don't love me, Mike. You're.. a liar. And.. And that's just not what boyfriends do! They don't lie!"
Her voice got louder, as her expression changed into a frown. But she didn't want to be angry.. She wanted to settle this, on good terms.
Taking a breath in, she calmed herself down. As she sat down on the boys bed, she took a moment to compose herself.
"Look.. I'm not.. mad. Maybe a little bit. But I'm not trying to be. I know that it's because of Will."
"What does Will have to do with this?"
"You love him, don't you?", She stared up at him, and before he could answer, she continued.
"I'm not dumb, Mike. I see the way you look at him. That's exactly how people look at each other when.. they're in love."
Mike's face changed from shock to anger to fear to something El couldn't even describe. It nearly looked like he was malfunctioning.
"Y.. You know what you're saying here, right? I mean.. me loving Will that's-that's crazy! I mean I'm not..", He seemed to struggle getting the words out, and El didn't know how to help him.
"I'm not.. queer."
Queer. She's heard that before. Not only on tv, but also around town. People always said something negative regarding it, but when El asked Will about it, he explained that it was not a bad thing. It's just when people of the same sex (which he also had to explain to her) love each other.
She never understood why people disagree with it. It's just people loving each other, so why is it forbidden? Why is it called disgusting and evil?
"It's not a bad thing, Mike. I don't care. Actually.. I think that maybe I am.. queer." She looked away, a sort of shame washing over her. But why? Despite knowing it's okay, she still feels as if admitting it out loud was... bad.
There was a long pause, before Mike simply goes, "What?"
El sighs, "Over the last year I.. often compared you and Max. And I noticed that she made me feel a lot more.. like me, than you do. Than you ever did."
She could hear Mike scoff, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. At first she thought he'd go off on her, but it appears that he's just processing all of this.
As he sits down next to her, it gets awfully quiet. It takes Mike a good few minutes before he finally speaks up again.
"And.. you really don't think it's bad? Being.. queer, I mean."
She looks up, meeting his gaze, and simply shakes her head.
He scoffs again, with a small smile that disappears almost instantly before he looks down onto his lap.
"Yeah.. Perhaps I do like Will. I think.. I always did. At some point it just became the norm that I didn't realize it. But once I did i tried to suppress it..", He let out sigh, biting his lower lip. It wasn't easy to talk about this, it seems.
".. Because others think it's bad?"
He looked at her again, nodding his head after a few seconds, "Yeah.. They do horrible stuff to them.. to us. It took me a long time to come to terms with this and.. I don't think I completely am, even now."
Mike sighs, fixing his position so his body was more angled toward's El, looking her straight into the eyes. He took her hands, and held them in his own.
This time, it didn't feel like a petty romantic gesture, but a gesture that was sincere and loving like family. It felt.. real.
"Listen. I'm sorry. I never meant to use you but I just.. it's scary, finding this out about yourself when the world out there doesn't accept it. And back then I thought.. this is how it's supposed to be. Like in the comics.. the boy and the girl end up together. But I quickly realized that's not what it is. And I only thought about myself, not you. I should've never lied to you, El."
El smiled, squeezing his hands tighter. This is all she ever wanted to hear. Something that finally explained everything.
Of course, this doesn't make the pain go away. The boy she was dating loved someone else the whole time. But then again, she was starting to think that maybe, she did too. Perhaps they're more alike than she originally thought.
El pulled him into a quick hug, noticing that he's got a little tear-eyed.
"It's okay. I'm not mad.. not anymore. I think this is better for both of us.",
"But.. We're still friends, right?"
"Of course. Nothing changed, really. You're still you.. and I'm still.. me."
Everything seemed so much better now. There was no tension in the air, no pent up, shoved away anger and frustration. It was just them, talking about their crushes and finally being able to understand each other.
It was always meant to be this way. They should've never even tried, because some things just aren't meant to be. But that doesn't mean that they can't be compatible.
And now, she may also finally have something exciting to tell Max once she wakes up. Something that El will not be ashamed of. Not anymore.