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It felt stupid to care about looks now, but she was really starting to hate the angry pinkish lines that the cannula left across her face. The nurse always adjusted it far too snugly- to keep it from moving, he said, but how much moving was she doing, anyway? She could barely sit up without Frederick or Asuka to help. And it wasn’t like ripping the thing out was going to make her die any faster, because if it would, she already would have found a way to knock it off.
Something by the door thumped. Aria lolled her head towards it, half expecting the handle to turn and the door to open. It didn’t. Just like the last four times she’d checked.
With what little energy she had, she made a frustrated huff in the back of her throat and went back to staring at the ceiling. Asuka had left the TV on the channel she loved, the one that played old movies with cheap budgets and terrible acting that always made her laugh, but now she couldn’t even stand to look at it. She stared at it from time to time, like there was something she had missed before…but it only felt like staring at static. It was hard to tell if it was from the perpetual monotony of a hospital room, or a side effect of the eroded holes forming in her brain tissue.
Asuka was getting coffee. That’s what he’d said. Asuka never drank coffee. It would have been a cheap excuse, anyway, he’d barely gotten the words out between terse, hitching breaths. If she’d had something within reach, Aria would have done her best to peg him in the face with it. That made for an entertaining thought, but it lasted for all of three seconds before reality sank in. Her muscles were already wasting away, and even beyond that, processing sensory information was one of the first things to fall out of whack. She’d forget where her own arm was halfway through drawing it back, and whatever she was throwing would probably just conk her right in the back of her own head. And the only thing worse than the failure and embarrassment would be the pity, Asuka and Frederick would immediately swarm and coddle her like a goddamn infant, like they hadn’t been the ones trying to keep up with her more often than not in the lab, and it wasn’t fair, none of it was fair, it wasn’t fair that she was dying, it just wasn’t fair.
The universe, however, did not care for what was and wasn’t fair, and all it gave her for her little outburst was an annoying tingly sensation in her left arm. What a fun thing, dying alone. Not much else to do but take tally of all the ways different parts of her were pathetically sputtering along and futilely trying to keep going.
Frederick was outside smoking. That was good to know. He loved his cigarettes more than he loved her. He’d practically been smoking nonstop since she was deemed incurable. Nowadays, it was a frequent point of bickering between him and Asuka, who kept extinguishing them and expressing his exasperation. What did he think was going to happen? It wasn’t going to kill her faster, either, and for all his chain-smoking and slouch, Frederick was never anything less than the picture of health. Asuka could just walk out if he didn’t like the smell, but it was never about himself. It was just another attempt of his to try and mother her, mother the both of them like the caring parent he himself had never had as a boy, like it served any real point.
Yes, it was cruel. Why should she care? It wasn’t like there was anyone else around to hear her thoughts. What did it matter?
The door, without any warning, without so much as a knock, jerked open and slammed into the wall.
“Wooof, ain’t seen a door this sticky since my roommate’s stag party! Yeesh!”
It wasn’t Frederick, and it wasn’t Asuka, either. Nor any of the doctors she’d become familiar with during her stay. And if it were a doctor, she would have been amazed how he hadn’t been fired years ago.
Faces didn’t look quite like they used to, but from the crease of their eyes and the curve of their mouth that came in fragments, they didn’t come across as especially bothered by their own intrusion. He only stopped when he was already inside, nearly stumbling over his own feet in the process.
He threw up his hands, like she actually posed any kind of threat. “Oi, oi, easy lass, not lookin’ fer trouble, jus’ here fer a bant.”
Aria stayed silent, at first trying to actually process what he’d said, then trying to figure out if ‘bant’ was an actual word that her memory had rotted away, or if this guy was just a moron. Was this a dream? It didn’t feel like it. At least in her dreams, she could get up.
The stranger had a slouched posture, standing in the way Frederick sat over lab samples, and later complained about his stiff shoulders. “What’s yer name, then?” He glanced over to the whiteboard opposite the bed. “Aria? Real pretty, I like it! M’ name’s Axl.”
Something about that felt correct. He looked like an ‘Axl.’ She’d have expected the man was one of the hospital preachers, traveling to the rooms of deathbound patients and wringing one last religious display out of them. But this guy didn’t look much like a preacher, not even a youth pastor. Honestly, he looked downright schlubby, between the baggy pants and greasy long hair. Aria didn’t like assuming the worst of people, but, well, she was dying, and this guy looked like he’d go door-to-door looking to bum off prescription painkillers. She had half a mind to say that’s why he had come to begin with.
Aria realized he was staring at her. “Oxy’s in the top cabinet.” She grumbled, rolling her head back towards the window. “Not like it does anything for me, anyway.”
“Oi, oi, slow down.” The man raised his hands. “Not here for the pills, promise.”
“Okay. Then fuck off.”
“...Ooookay.” She heard him shuffle across the floor and flop into one of the room’s chairs. “So it’s a real rough day, innit? I getcha. I getcha. Bein’ in the hospital sucks. None of these wankers know shit about decoratin’, why’s everything gotta be gray?”
Something about that almost made her snicker. She brushed it off as a muscle spasm. “With the amount things cost here, they could afford some paint.”
“How’s that?” The man said. His eyes widened slightly. “Ahh, gotcha, gotcha. Right, ‘merican healthcare. Still shit where I’m from, but I don’t envy any of ya across the pond.”
“Sounded familiar. British?”
“Mmhm! Cotswolds. Red hair looks natural, you Irish?”
Aria tried to shrug, but the muscles didn’t listen. “Dunno. Parents died, couldn’t ask.”
“Ahh.” Axl nodded. “Guess you can ask ‘em soon, yeah?”
She paused wondering if he really had just said that, without a hint of hesitation. Part of it made her want to laugh, but a wave of anger drowned it out. A litany of swears bubbled up in her head, but none of them felt tangible, none of them felt like something her mouth could form around, and all she could do was let out an angry sound and look away from him again.
“Aw, hey, I…” He trailed off, uncomfortably shifting in his seat. Aria granted him no sense of relief. At least now, they could both be uncomfortable.
Things went quiet for a while. Perhaps her brain just fizzled out and didn’t let her process anything. Maybe Axl had shuffled off in embarrassment while she wasn’t looking. No such luck. Instead, he’d busied himself staring at the whiteboard again.
“TP…tee-pee…” He said, tapping at his chin. “Ya got toilet paper stuck somewhere?”
Aria huffed, rolling her eyes. “‘Temp- Temporoparietal infection.’ My brain’s setting itself on fire.”
“Yeowch. That’s rough.”
He looked at her expectantly, like there was some response he hoped she’d give, but she went back to ignoring him. Any of the brief hope he’d gathered sputtered away and turned back into awkwardness. After a moment’s hesitation, Axl scooted his chair closer to her.
“Aww, c’mon, can’t even get a little somethin’? I’ll leave ya be if you want, just seemed like ya needed a chat.”
Something about his earnest voice made her snort. “Sure. Why not.”
“Yeah?”
“Better a chat with a stranger than my own best friends, they’re not gonna do it anyway!”
Something in her brain clicked out of place. Axl’s face vanished somewhere into the background of the room, but she could still hear the air as it was sucked through his teeth. “Oof. Friends’ ‘ve gone off and left ya? While you’re in the bloody hospital? That’s pretty cold. I can get why that’d piss ya off.”
“Well, somehow you’re the first person who’s said something like that.” Her tongue slurred the last few words together, and she squeezed her eyes shut, willing everything to work correctly. “When I get mad at something, or at them, one of the nurses just says ‘that’s fine. That’s normal. Emotional disturbance is common with temporal lobe damage.’ Do they think I’ve got nothing to be pissed about? I’m sooo happy they’re feeling calmed and reassured while I’ve got a fucking hole in my brain!”
“Gotcha…” The man turned towards the far wall. “These friends a’ yours, you close?”
One hand twitched in her lap like a dying fish. Aria hadn’t even noticed it move. “I thought so…”
“How’s that?”
“They’re here. Downstairs somewhere. They don’t want to be around me.”
The TV screen flickered between static and commercials. In his cheap hospital chair, Axl picked at the worn edge of her blanket as it dangled over the bed’s edge.
“How long’ve they been gone?”
“A while. Longer than it should take to make a coffee or smoke a cigarette.” She replied, with as much disdain as she could force into each word. “Probably not coming back. Ever.”
“Aw, c’mon, Aria, that’s quittin’ talk. You really think they’d do that to ya?”
Aria glared. “You sound more on their side.”
“Hey, hey. I ain’t on anyone’s side.” Axl raised his hands. “Just hate seeing friends not get along. Leaving you be like this is a shit thing to do, I just wanna know why the hell they’d do it.”
“Because they’re fucking cowards.”
“Think they’re scared?”
“They’re scared? I’m dying! Why are they more worried about hiding from me? Am I just supposed to die quietly for their sake and get it over with?!”
“Hey, you said it, not me.” Replied Axl.
“I- !” Aria had to pause. “I…”
“Would them feelin’ guilty make you feel better?”
“I don’t…I don’t know,” she sighed, putting a hand over her eyes. “I don’t want this to hurt them. They’re my best friends. I know how much it’ll hurt them when I’m gone. But then why not be here now when we’ve still got some time…?”
“...m’sorry, chief.”
“Sorry? What are you sorry for?”
Axl shrugged. “Just wish it all went better for ya. Life can suck, ‘s just a matter of fact, but it don’t mean it’s all that much of a fun fact.” He thought for a moment, then nodded to himself. “Part a’ me thinks, if they’re going to all this trouble, it’s gotta mean they care about you a lot, right?”
She faltered. “...They do love me. I know they do. Maybe…maybe part of me wants them to hate me instead. Then they won’t miss me as much. It won’t hurt them.”
“Huh, makes some kinda sense.”
“They’ve been with me this whole time. I know they really do care about me.” Aria let a little smile come back to her face. “I guess if I had to pick anyone, I’d be glad to have them as my friends.”
“Freddie and Asuka sound real lucky to have you, too.”
She paused, smile dimming a bit. “...You’re not actually here just to chat, are you?”
Axl flinched, with a guilty sort of smile. “Guess you’re the scientist, aintcha?”
“I never told you their names.”
“Ah. Yep, sounds about right. Always the little details that trip me up. Shit.”
“How long were you waiting for me to be done talking?”
“Eh. Chattin’s nice, don’t go thinking it was some kinda obligation. I like meetin’ my clients, makes the whole thing more personal, yannow?”
“So what should I call you? An angel? The Grim Reaper?”
He thought for a moment, ultimately shaking his head. “Which d’ya prefer? No skin off my nose either way.”
“You aren’t either? What are you, then?”
“‘m just here to help, that’s all. Just here to make the whole thing a little less shit. Hardly even noticed yourself going, didja?
She hadn’t. The thought hadn’t occurred to her, but she hadn’t. It had been months since she could recognize her own left hand, or process conversations without any trouble, but they had come back without her even realizing.
Still, the concept hit her all at once. Her hand felt for the blanket, but rather than pull it back, she gripped on tightly. “Is it…time to go now? I’ve taken so long already.”
Axl stood up, but tucked his arms casually behind his head. “Well, I gotta admit, I’m pullin’ strings a bit. Couple of minutes ain’t gonna hurt anyone in the long run, how much’s that really mean in the endless river of time?”
“Couple of minutes?”
“Your soul’s a little loosey-goosey at the moment, slipping in and outta that meat shell. Usually I gotta pluck the wiggly ones out like baby teeth to make sure everyone gets where they’re headed on time. More efficient, yannow? But I’d hate to rush you, especially when you’ve got a visitor…”
“...Visitor?”
The door slammed hard into the wall, and Axl immediately vanished. An auburn smear darted in, harried and smelling of smoke.
“Aria!”
Like Axl, her regained senses disappeared into the wind. She had enough awareness to recognize the room was occupied, but not much more than that. A second pair of lighter footsteps followed the first.
“Frederick? Good lord, what are you-”
Faint mechanical sounds drowned out the conversation. Aria had grown to ignore the various thrums and beeps of the machines keeping her alive, but she could hear them falling out of alignment, fading into hums, softening.
“Oh- no, no no no-” Asuka- wet, soft, brittle, the way his voice always went when he was desperately trying to keep his voice from breaking into emotion. She remembered breakthroughs in the lab, listening to that warbling of his voice and just waiting for it to break into childlike eagerness when he couldn’t hold onto his emotions anymore.
“Just shut the fuck up! Shut up- Aria, can you hear me? Aria?” Frederick had never hesitated in making his feelings known, but something about him now was holding him back.
Frederick’s warm, broad hand held onto one of hers and squeezed, as though he could transfer some of his own life energy into her, make her last just a little bit longer. A wet drop landed on the back of her wrist and rolled down.
“Aria, please,” he hissed out through gritted teeth. “I’m here, Asuka’s here. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”
They had come back. Both of them. Deep down, she always knew that they would.
More by instinct than intention, she weakly squeezed back, and felt Frederick flinch at the sensation. Her half-closed eyes went all the way shut, and she took in a breath.
“It's okay. I forgive you.”
The last syllable came out as little more than a breathy wheeze. And something…fell loose. There was no other word for the sensation. Somewhere in the distance was a flat, mechanical noise, but she was too tired to care. Too tired to worry. Aria just wanted to sleep.
Something poked her in the shoulder. “Hey. Gonna get up?”
Opening her eyes once more, everything had become colorful and vibrant. Axl stood overhead with a brilliant grin, offering a hand. “C’mon! You can rest on the ride there!”
Aria blinked in confusion, letting him easily pull her out of bed and onto her feet. Standing? It had been a long time since she’d done that. “‘Ride?’”
“Ooh, I gotta feeling you’re gonna love it.” He guided her away from her bed and towards the direction of the door. “It’s right outside!”
She found herself hesitating. Aria looked back over her shoulder, to the dull white room that, somehow, seemed to have gone even duller. Frederick and Asuka hunched over her deathbed, shoulders trembling as they clung to her lifeless body.
Axl put a hand on her shoulder, voice softening. “If it helps, they’ll end up here eventually. Everyone does. And trust me, up here, we get the best reunion ragers.”
When he opened the door, rather than a hospital corridor, there was a lively station platform. One of the aisles was occupied by a massive train belching steam from its pipe, in a way that almost made it seem like it was greeting her.
“Hop right on up! Right into the main car.” Axl gave her a hand, and she pushed off of it to reach the front of the train. He climbed up after her, immediately reaching for a floor switch and pulling it back in one smooth jerk. “Ready to head off?”
“Yes. I think so. As much as I’ll ever be, at least. Can I ask where we’re going?”
He grinned. “Home! Now reach up overhead, grab the silver bar and yank it! Can’t be a choo-choo train without the choo-choo, can it?”
Aria supposed she couldn’t argue with that. With a smile of her own, she found the handle and pulled. The machinery overhead let out a single sharp shriek, and the train shuddered into motion. She gave it another tug.
“All abooooard!” The man howled in glee over the train’s whistle. “Take a seat, blokes and birdies! It’s a highway to hell, a stairway to heaven, and a steam train to the afterlife!”