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It was Friday evening. The rain was pouring outside against the big windows of Clint and Bucky’s apartment. Bucky was sitting on the couch with Natasha’s head laying on his lap. She had come by half an hour ago while Clint had already disappeared into their bedroom to make a phone call. Yes, the three of them were a couple but Natasha preferred to have her own flat with which Clint and Bucky were absolutely fine.
“Yeah that’s exactly what I was thinking earlier!” Bucky’s laughter echoed through the living room while Natasha wiped a few tears of laughter out of the corner of her eyes.
“You should’ve seen Steve’s face when Tony came up with that idea!”
“NO, BARNEY, YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME! THEY ARE A PART OF WHO I AM AND IF YOU CAN’T ACCEPT ME LIKE THAT THEN FUCK YOU!”
Clint’s sudden scream from their bedroom made Bucky and Natasha simultaneously flinch.
“Jesus, what was that?” Natasha looked visibly worried.
Bucky sighed.
“Clint is having a call with Barney, you know, his brother he barely talks about or with. And apparently it’s not going so well…”
“Yeah I know who Barney is. But I didn’t know it was that bad…”
“Yeah…” Bucky scratched his head and tied his hair into a messy bun while talking.
“Barney called a few days ago and asked Clint if they wanted to meet up again because it’s been so long yada yada. Anyhow, the thing is – Barney is still heavily annoyed by Clint’s tics and Clint wanted to tell him that they cannot meet under these circumstances.”
Natasha rolled her eyes.
“God… what a dick. Like – who could seriously be annoyed by it? The tics belong to him. They’re a part of who he is even though Clint still kinda denies it at this point.”
“Yes…” Bucky sighed again. “I don’t get it either. And you have to keep in mind that he’s on meds now so they’re even less intense than they probably were during their childhood. I think, without being an expert on it, that Barney just doesn’t really get that Clint doesn’t do it on purpose.”
“Exactly… he still doesn’t get it!”
A very exhausted and angry looking Clint with red teary eyes walked around the corner.
“Hey baby!” Both Natasha and Bucky jumped onto their feet and hurried towards Clint to pull him into a loving hug.
“Hey you guys” he sighed and let himself melt into the warmth of their bodies that surrounded him. He was exhausted but also still seething with anger. The tingling feeling he always got before a tic started to spread and eventually he had to tic. His entire body was shaking for a few seconds but Natasha and Bucky held him tight.
“What do you need, my love?” Bucky asked and gently caressed his cheek.
“I- uh...” Clint’s brain was too foggy from what just had happened to think straight.
“I dunno…”
“You wanna come on the couch with us and cuddle? Maybe wanna talk about it?” Natasha suggested.
“Yeah, that’s- that’s good.”
“I’ll make us some hot chocolate then” Bucky said and Clint and Natasha let themselves fall onto the big couch.
While the hot chocolate was being made Nat spread her legs that Clint could cuddle up between them and lean against her chest. She let her hands run through his messy blonde hair and kissed him on the head. Then Bucky came back from the kitchen carrying three steaming cups.
“Oh god, you are the best!”
Clint craned and Bucky leaned down to give him a kiss. Then he sat down next to the two of them and lifted Clint’s feet onto his lap.
“So…” Natasha still played with his hair. “Wanna tell us what happened in there?”
Clint made a unintelligibly grumpy noise and slurped some of his hot chocolate before he had to tic again and then started to tell.
“Well… for the uninitiated people here – meaning you Nat – Barney called last week and asked if we wanted to meet again because we haven’t seen each other in ages. Technically speaking I always avoided meeting him ‘cuz he’s an asshole. And-“ His flow of speech came to a halt.
“I already told Nat about Barney’s opinion on your tourette’s… I hope that was okay?”
“It’s fine. Thank you, Buck.” Clint smiled lightly.
“Anyway – now you know what he thinks about my tics and he just made it very clear that his opinion hasn’t changed. He still hasn’t fucking understood how hurtful his stupid comments are. After all these years you could expect from him that he made at least a little progress when it comes to that, don’t you?!”
Even though it was a rhetorical question Bucky and Natasha nodded earnestly.
“He literally said my reactions is ‘too broad-brush’ and that I overexaggerate. I’d ‘dictate him rules’ if I tell him that it’s fucking impolite and hurtful when he always tells me that my tics are ‘too much’ for him… which basically means I am annoying him. Like who the fuck does he think he is, telling me to stop something I literally cannot control!”
Bucky had started to lightly massage Clint’s feet while he listened to his boyfriends tirade.
“I think-“ Bucky started.
“Ouch! Be gentle, my feet are still made out of flesh!” Clint involuntarily had to laugh at this even though he was still angry.
“Sorry!” Bucky grinned. “Well, what I wanted to say was that I still think Barney hasn’t really understood that your tics aren’t controllable. I think if he really would get that, he would understand that he hurts you so much with this.”
“But this would also mean that he would have to deal with how badly he has treated you in the past and I honestly doubt that he would voluntarily do that” Natasha tossed in.
“Yeah you might be right…” Clint sighed. “The weird thing is that he says he does understand that his comments are hurtful but he sees himself so in the right that I am just so helpless. I’m talking to a brick wall, you know what I mean? He said I had to allow him to say that my tics annoyed him. I couldn't expect everyone else around me to conform and do nothing because communication wouldn't work that way. …at least he didn’t misgender me or used my deadname this time.” Clint laughed dryly and sarcastically.
“Urrrgh! Does he even listen to what comes outta his mouth?” Natasha asked. “That is literally the point here! You cannot control it. Everyone else has to conform. It’s not your fault you do this.”
“And concerning the latter – if he still hasn’t got that your trans, he’s an absolute douchebag” Bucky added.
“Exactly! It’s almost like I am talking to my dead father again. He never understood when I told him I wanted to be a boy when I grow up and he always sent me to my room when my tics were ‘too much’ for him.” Clint angrily put quotation marks with his index and middle fingers around the words “too much”.
“But then my parents also were like ‘yada yada, you needa distinguish - just because we’re criticising your tics it doesn’t mean we don’t love you!’ God how I hated this!”
“Oh baby…” Natasha wrapped her arms around Clint and squeezed him tight.
“Just know we would never judge you for it. You hear me – never” she whispered into his ear.
“Thank you”
Clint teared up. And suddenly he had to cry.
“I never thought I’d find people like you guys...” he sobbed.
“Oh babe” Natasha pulled him tight into her arms and Bucky got up to kneel down next to them in front of the couch and gently caressed Clint’s cheek.
“I love you, Clint. We love you. And we will always be there and stand up for you, no matter what, okay?”
Clint nodded but another sob hindered him from agreeing out loud. He didn’t know how long they remained like this. Was it just minutes or half an hour? He couldn’t tell. All he could say, all he could feel was the welcoming warmth of Natasha’s body underneath him and the soothing caressing from Bucky’s right hand. He felt so unworthy of their unconditional love. He only had experienced love of the torn kind until he had met them. First Natasha, then Bucky. The love he had experienced before had never been unconditional. There had always been something wrong with him. They had always found a fault with him. Usually it was about his tics or his transness or both. The weight of this experience dared to crush him in this very moment so he had to say it out loud. He took a few deep breaths in and out until he found his voice again.
“I loved and still love my mum so much but I hate it that she couldn’t accept me for who I am. It’s tearing me apart. I don’t want it to seem that your love is any less meaningful to me but what I wanna say is that it just his different when a parent doesn’t accept you for who you are than a lover, you know?”
They understood.
After a while that felt like an eternity they moved apart.
“Anything in particular you wanna do right now, baby?” Bucky asked gently.
Clint scratched his nose and thought about it. His body was aching from a tic attack he had while he was on the phone with Barney, it was late and he didn’t want to escape this cozy and soothing atmosphere just yet.
“Actually… I’m very tired… Can we- can we maybe just go to bed and cuddle for a bit? If- if that’s okay with you…”
He was, as always, insecure about if he asked too much from his partners. This anxiety would never fully leave, he thought, but the look in Natasha’s eyes reassured him that it was more than okay. He recalled what she once had said to him when he had been really anxious about this: “Remember, Clint, we are capable of setting boundaries and we will tell you, if we need some space on our own. But we will never ever be mad at you for seeking love and touch and affection. This is what humans do”.
As they were laying in bed all snuggled up, Clint in the middle, he felt like he could finally relax. His tics had already abated since he was so tired and he was with the people he loved the most. In these seldom moments he could truly let himself fall and know he would be caught by four strong arms. Maybe, one day, he would be able to accept himself the way Natasha and Bucky already did. It didn’t feel as impossible anymore as it had a few months back. He smiled. It all would work out eventually he thought to himself while drifting off into a dreamless sleep.