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Carina sat in her car, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. The radio was low and her intermittent sighs drowned it out entirely at times. She had only been waiting for about five minutes, not far from a building her wife had probably entered about an hour and half ago. Maya did like to be early for appointments, she mused, whereas Carina hated waiting.
The Italian was also a tiny bit anxious whenever she met Maya after therapy. The first time she surprised her, they had gotten into an argument, as Maya inferred Carina’s presence there was because she didn’t trust that Maya would have gone by herself.
It had now been almost two months since Maya’s breakdown in the barn. She was on sick leave until she had completed the mandatory evaluations, which was another element of contention between them at times. Beckett was suspended, pending the results of an investigation and then a further hearing, and Andy was made interim-Captain, at least until the whole mess is righted.
Carina had little care for what else was happening at Station 19. Her clinic days had become few and far between, and when she was there, her bags were placed in the Captain’s office and she did not venture further into the station other than the clinic itself. She now only spoke with Andy and Ben, and she refused to speak about anything other than patient care in those walls. Andy, and less regularly, Ben would stop by the apartment, where they would speak openly but within the station, Carina didn’t want to give anyone anything to gossip about.
In the week that followed the incident, Carina had learnt from Andy that the others in the station had previously been openingly joking about who they would side with in the ‘pending’ divorce. It had broken her heart that their marriage had become a comedy to these people they had considered friends.
At a pre-arranged coffee catch up with Travis later that same week, Carina had offhandedly asked who he had chosen in the apparent divorce. When he laughed and said ‘you of course’, Carina had lost all faith in the station and promptly told Travis that she would no longer be able to make it for coffee and wished him well for his campaign.
It wasn’t to say that they didn’t try to talk to her or ask after Maya, but for Carina the damage was far too extensive for her to just brush it aside. To move on and forget.
She spots Maya stepping out of the glass doors, which stops her thoughts running into the darkness again. She no longer wanted to consider just how far it could have gotten had the incident not have taken place.
Maya has equally spotted her car. She can tell by the small smile and roll of her eyes.
It has Carina getting out and leaning on the open door, as she watches her wife make her way over. The sun is bright and in her eyes now, so she uses her hand to shield them.
“You look familiar.” she greets, with a full smile across her face.
Maya laughs softly and then points her thumb back at the building she just exited, as she gets closer to the passenger side. “Well I go there a lot.”
Carina playfully pouts. “That’s not the line.” she whines, as Maya pulls open the passenger side door and she herself gets back in her car.
Maya again just laughs, as she settles into the seat tiredly, turning to face Carina. “It was that or ‘well I did sleep with you last night’.”
Carina laughs before leaning over the centre console and kissing Maya’s lips. She can see Maya is exhausted and hazard a guess that the nature of the session had been tough. “You okay?” she asks, learning early on not to ask how it went. Having asked that after previous sessions, she realised it made her wife clam up and go inside her head. So, she’s learnt to just check Maya was okay. Maya will tell her in her own time.
“Yeah.” the blonde sighs out with a half smile. “I thought you had to work?”
“I got let out on good behaviour.” Carina casually replies, while putting her seatbelt on.
“You asked Jo to cover, didn’t you?” Maya summises with a grin, at knowing Carina’s moves.
The brunette turns her face to Maya again, noting she was being watched rather endearingly. “Maybe…” she offers with a little laugh. “I owe her a couple of hours next Friday in return. Seatbelt.”
Maya does as she is told and reaches for the belt, while Carina begins to pull out of the parking space. “Did she carry out the examination?” she asks, as the click resounds inside the car.
“She did, Bambina. All is molto bene.” Carina nods with a wide smile, glancing at Maya briefly before focusing on the road again.
“That’s good.” Maya replies with a nod to herself. “Sorry I couldn’t…”
“No sorries.” Carina cuts in quickly, placing her hand on Maya’s thigh. “It’s the first one you’ve missed. I was already at work anyway and your appointments are important to keep. There will be many more, I promise.”
Maya just hums in reply and Carina is aware there is a level of self-deprecation going on at the other side of the car, so she gives a firm squeeze to the leg below her hand.
“So being twelve weeks, we can start telling people?” Maya is back to watching Carina and there is light again in her features.
Carina hasn’t told anyone this as of yet, but ever since the experience in the barn and just how distant and vacant Maya’s eyes appeared, she sends a silent little prayer whenever she looks up to find them bright and dancing again.
She smiled indulgently, knowing where this was leading. “Yes, Bambina.”
She was pregnant. It had been another difficulty to handle at the time. Maya was in and out in those early weeks, full of anger, embarrassment, self-loathing. She was seeing Dr Lewis twice a week, until she was recommended to another therapist, who specialises in PTSD. They now have weekly meetings and Maya has an appointment with Dr Lewis every fortnight instead, at least until she is reviewed in about a month's time.
Throw in a pregnancy test and the fear of having to go through another attempt, they were both raw. When it came back positive, they were elated.
That was until Maya returned from therapy the following day and started packing a bag. Carina had been beside herself in concern and it was only when she managed to get Maya to calmly sit at the end of the bed and focus, did she find out how her words were coming back to haunt her.
You can’t have a baby with THAT. I am THAT, Carina. It’s me. It won’t magically go away. So I need to.
Once Maya had cried herself to sleep that afternoon, Carina had found Dr Lewis’ number and asked if she knew anyone that she herself could speak with. It had been a turning point, particularly as the recommendation seemed to have a number of patients who have firefighters as spouses, partners and family. She was able to speak of her fears and be understood.
“We can tell Andy then, when she comes round tomorrow, yeah?” Maya asks, almost pleadingly in excitement. “I mean she did stand guard while Baby was conceived.” There is a pause as something dawns on Maya. “Oh God, our baby was made in the station bathroom.”
Carina laughs at the look of realisation and wide eyes on Maya’s face, before she has to turn her attention back to the road.
“In all honesty, my love, if we were a straight couple, our baby would have likely been conceived in a public bathroom long ago.”
There was a sharp inhale of breath and a scandalised “Carina!” from her wife and it was the best reaction she could have hoped for.
Maya had fallen asleep not long after they had returned to their apartment, so Carina busied herself with washing and making sure she had the ingredients she needed for dinner later. She was just about to return to their bedroom, when there was a quick, sharp knock on the door.
Not expecting anyone, she frowned and moved to answer it. When her eyes met the person standing on the other side, she could only frown further.
“No, no, no, no. No.” Carina angrily greeted, glancing down the hallway to make sure Maya had not been disturbed.
“Dr DeLuca.” Chief Ross spoke, seemingly unfazed by the response of her presence.
“No.” Carina replied firmly, leaning back into the apartment to grab her door keys and walking out into the apartment hallway and closing the door behind her. “No, you do not get to come here …and ..and..”
“I understand your worry of me being here.” Ross began, glancing around their surroundings before once again observing the doctor. “I just stopped by to check on Lieutenant Bishop. Can we…” indicating back to the apartment door.
“No, we can’t.” Carina steadfastly answered. “This is our home. This is where Maya feels safe and I am not having you here, to potentially unravel the progress she has made. She is on sick leave, as per your policies and procedures. If you need to speak with her, you go through the correct channels, Chief Ross.”
“Dr DeLuca, I am…” Natasha tried again, only to be met with a held up hand.
“I don’t want to hear it.” Carina cuts in. “I am not deluded, Chief. I am aware that some of Maya’s choices have led us here, but what happened under your leadership is…” she pauses to gather herself. “..unthinkable. You allowed that man to harass and degrade my wife for 6 months. You may not have been aware of each particular incident but you turned a blind eye, all due to Maya questioning the nature of your relationship with Sullivan.”
“Blackmailed. Not questioning.” Ross rebuked calmly.
“I am aware, but I also wonder why you never reported it. She had no proof, no. It would have been simple. It would have been following your precious protocols. Unless you had something you needed to hide, so instead you allowed that man to find out what Maya had done and then sat back as he abused his power.”
Natasha Ross had the good sense to look down at her feet at this point. “It was not intentional. I was not aware.”
“Did you know, when Sullivan reported Beckett for drinking, he had them running in that barn until some of them were physically sick. They could not stop until he had a confession on who reported him. The entire team.” Carina continued, watching as that got the Chief’s attention again. “It seems Sullivan doesn’t tell you everything that is happening in that station, does it?”
Resounding silence gave way to a door or two closing below them.
“Why are you really here, Chief Ross?” Carina finally asks.
“As I stated, I came to check on Lieutenant Bishop.” Ross repeats.
“Nothing to do with Beckett’s hearing approaching and what that might uncover?” Carina bitterly laughs. “You know, I blamed my wife for creating chaos when I learnt of the blackmail. For needing to always live in chaos. I did irrevocable damage to her and our marriage in that belief and I have since realised that chaos is rooted throughout your entire fire department.”
Carina allows that to hang in the air between them for a moment.
“We should not be held accountable for our predecessors' mistakes…” she acknowledges, knowing she has the chief’s full attention at this point. “...but we should be held accountable for not trying to fix those mistakes.”
“Dr DeLuca…”
“Maya just wanted a fair hearing.” Carina cuts in. If this was the last time she spoke to Maya’s boss, she was going to make it count. “The same that Sullivan was provided. The same that you will be providing to Beckett.” she spat. “That was all. You based your assessment on reports left by a predecessor, who opposed change, opposed growth, opposed firefighters having a social platform in the community. My wife did not follow a direct order to avoid a child dying in a street with his family watching. She took another available emergency vehicle and drove a boy to hospital. She did not steal. She did not drink. She did not bully. She made a call to save a life and she was punished harshly for it. All because she effectively embarrassed someone of a higher rank.”
Carina wipes a small tear from the corner of her eye but refuses to look away from the other woman.
“I do not condone her actions with you, Natasha. She regrets them herself. However, you were her beacon of hope after that call and you dismissed her on the basis of someone else’s opinion and a buried report. You deemed her insubordinate and a risk to a team for refusing to follow one order. She has followed every order since and look at where it has gotten us.”
Ross clears her throat but has little to say in return, which makes Carina sigh and glance back to the apartment door.
“I believe we are done.” Carina quietly explains, approaching the door again. “Next time you wish to speak with my wife, I’d appreciate it if you go through the correct process and we will come to you. Please do not come back here, unless you have an actual fire to put out.”
She is exhausted when she opens the door and does not glance back, as it is silently closed behind her.
As Carina comes back inside the apartment, Maya is standing in the kitchen, pouring a glass of water. The Italian smiles endearingly at the sight, Maya’s hair ruffled from the nap and her eyes still not fully observant with tiredness.
“Where’d you go?” Maya asks, taking a sip from her glass.
“Oh, Mrs Ritson needed a hand with her bags.” Carina explains with a shrug. She is fully aware she has just lied to her wife. There was, however, no way she was telling her that her Chief had decided to show up on their doorstep to check-in . This was Maya’s safe place and it will remain as such.
“Hmm.” she nods in reply, before looking at Carina’s stomach. “I’ll speak with her grandson next time I see him. They’ll have to look for other help for a while.”
Mrs Ritson was the tenant down the hall and often knocked on the door to see if Maya was unavailable to help with odd jobs. Once Carina moved in, it became a tag team effort. She was a pleasant enough lady and she smiled fondly whenever Carina spoke of Maya, as apparently the blonde had always been a great support ever since she moved in.
“Wait until she hears the little one crying all night. He might actually be able to convince her to move in with him and his family this time.” Carina laughs with a wink, which has Maya smiling. “Why are you up anyway?”
“Hmm, I feel lazy sleeping the day away.” Maya replies in a sigh and Carina knows some things are particularly hard for the firefighter to unlearn.
“It’s not lazy, Maya. Not when it’s needed.” Carina replies, as she tops up the water glass and then takes Maya’s hand in hers, pulling her back to bed. “Come, I’ll lay with you and I’ll let you hold my boob.”
Maya’s peals of laughter and the memory of the rhythmic heartbeat she got to listen to earlier, were the best sounds she has heard to see her through the day.