Chapter Text
Okay, so I’m a little confused. I understand the mission I’ve been given. Ever since the reappearance of the Phantom thieves, it is important to keep tabs on them, especially since they seem to be ‘on tour’ around Japan. And of course, I understand the importance of tracking their shopping history.
If their money is going towards dangerous items or illegal organizations, it’s important we know. But… well, what I’ve found is rather boggling. It’s hard to explain in short, so I’m afraid this report may be longer than I would like. I’ll try to sum it up, but if you would like to know more in depth, please read on. Essentially, this is what I’ve gathered from a few months of observation.
Their leader is fucking rich.
When the Thieves seem to have hunkered down, they spend hours upon hours inside their camper, which they seem to be using as their hideout. The only one who leaves is their leader.. what was his name again? Ren? Akira? Whatever is was, the kid leaves the camper and does some weird ass shit. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant ‘exhibits peculiar behaviors’. Pardon my french.
Anyways, this kid heads of to a variety of stores and vending machines (aka every single one within a two mile radius).
He never seems to buy anything suspicious in itself, energy drinks, bandaids, burgers to go, nothing to out of the ordinary for a large group of teenagers on a road trip. What’s strange about it is the amount he buys.
Who the flying fuck needs FOUR PACKAGES OF BANDAIDS. That’s not even all. The kid buys out practically every store he visits, just showing up and taking the entire stock.
I’d say the teen spends about 10,000 yen each trip (lasting about 15 minutes), but no more than a few hours later he re-emerges from his hideout with the same amount of money and buys the same things. I can’t deicide if I envy the business for gaining such a loyal and deep-pocketed customer or if I pity them for barely even managing to restock their items by the time this same guy shows up to buy it all. I know the vending machine stockers must be losing it.
Every day I’d say the leader purchases at least 50 to 60,000 yen worth of strange items, always seeming to return from his camper with a newly packed wallet.
What scares me more is that apparently his in person expeditions aren’t the only times he blows money like it grows on trees.
By tracking his online spending, I’ve found that this kid’s pockets reach the core of the Earth. It seems not only does he fucking purchase random energy drinks and shit from in person stores, but he buys the EXACT SAME THINGS FROM ONLINE.
At this rate, I wonder if he even uses the occasional knife or crowbar (A about one new one bought with every stop) he purchases of the internet. If it weren’t for that or the fact that I know this man is from the Phantom Thieves, I’d think this was just some psycho who really fucking likes adhesive bandages. Seriously, that guy must be running the damn company with how much of that shit he buys.
In conclusion, besides some model guns, a few knives, and a katana they probably have no clue how to use, I’d say the Phantom Thieves shopping list isn’t that deadly. Not unless they’re planning to strangle you with all the cat outfits their leader keeps buying. (By the way, I don’t think I’ve ever seen their cat wear any of those either. Yet another testimony to the absurd amount of money this kid must have.)
Let me give you a word of advise, though, if you ever arrest their leader again, put him in a mental institution and give him some spending advisor, because his spending habits are nothing short of practically impossible with his age. I marvel at how he isn’t in debt.
I swear, if I made half of whatever the fuck this kid was making, I’d have retired years ago.
Give me a fucking raise,
Agent 5