Work Text:
Pro heroes tend to gather in UA’s teacher lounge, since UA was turned into a shelter for war refugees. Fresh out of the hospital, Mirko and Eraser Head step into this happy chaos.
Present Mic : Sit where you can… we did add more armchairs, but more and more people keep coming here… Shouta, gimme your bag, I’m going upstairs !
Eraser Head : I’m good, I’ll do it…
PM : Pig Head ! Mirko, can I do something for you ?
Mirko : If you are willing to carry my luggage in my room, I’m okay with it !
Present Mic grabs Mirko’s heavy luggage and instantly regrets everything. He valiantly wiggles toward the elevator.
Aizawa crashed in a soft and kinda dirty armchair in a corner of the room, breathing a huge sigh of relief.
M : Tired already ?
EH : I had physical therapy this morning… He’s relentless, I’ll kill him before he kills me…
M : Takahata ?
EH : Himself.
M : Ha ha ! I have the same one ! I love him, no time to get bored ! And he never lets a mistake slip, he’s nasty !
EH : So that’s what my students feel like…
Mirko laughs again, so loudly the whole room look at her.
M : I think they love you still… You saved their lives what… 4 times ?
EH : … and the other way around. Grunt…
M : hey what’s happening ?
EH : My leg keeps protesting.
M : Do you have your painkiller with you ?
EH : grunt… No need. It’s just a normal pain.
Present Mic : All done !
M : Hey, Mic ! What the hell is a “normal pain” ?
PM : Oh no… again ? Shouta thinks it’s normal to always be hurting somewhere ! He refuses to admit it could be a medical issue.
EH : I don’t even know how many times I was stabbed, of course I hurt ! I’m not going to numb myself each and every time !
PM : First, you already pain and sleep issues back in High school. And second… you only ever take your painkiller when a nurse put ‘em in your mouth.
EH : grunt… it’s okay, I’m used to it.
M : It’s really not a good sign that you are so used to pain that you can bear post-surgery bone pain without any meds… I know you are the kind of guy who “Cuisinart” his own paw, but still, something’s wrong ! I’ve been high from breakfast to supper for the last 2 weeks, how do you think I survive physical therapy on two limbs ?
EH : GRUNT !
M : I beg your pardon ?
PM : It means you are maybe right, but it bugs him.
Recovery Girl comes in the teacher lounge, giving candies and kisses to everybody.
PM : Hey, young lady, over here ! We have an emergency !
RG : Hello my darlings ! How can I help you ?
PM : Aizawa got onto a whole new level ! He just called the pain from an amputation “normal pain”.
EH : No ! Shush !
M : That’s literally what you said !
RG : Young Shouta… I am not going to repeat myself on this topic. If you are reluctant to take opioid, we can try something else.
EH : I already took an Advil this morning…
RG : What about gummy bears ? Here Mirko you can have some too.
EH : Candies ? What…
Recovery Girl takes a colorful bag out of her overall’s pocket.
RG : THC within, guaranteed, premium quality ! I import them from the US and I keep them for pro heroes. Not a word to the students !
EH : sorry but…
M : Thank you Recovery Girl, you rock !
PM : oh jeez… All I have is a mild sprain…
RG : that’s better, you stay sober and watch those two ! I wonder how young Shouta will take it…
EH : I never said I was going to try it !
M : Don’t tell me you are THAT naive ? Shut up and eat !
Mirko grabs a big yellow gummy bear, put it in Eraser’s hand, then put a red one in her own mouth.
RG : It works within 10 to 20 minutes, good luck !
Aizawa gazes at his hand for a while… then he eventually swallows the gummy bear.
EH : THERE ! You cannot say I never try anything new, now !
M : WOOHOO !
PM : oh my god what did I do…
Naturally, and according to the laws of stupid crack-fics, Ms Joke chooses this moment to arrive in the teacher lounge.
EH : oh no !
PM : Don’t worry… in a few minutes you’ll find her perfectly bearable.
EH : So it works on psychological torture ? Why didn’t you say so earlier ?
***
M : Wow… I think it’s starting to work… This armchair is getting more comfortable by the minute…
EH : Best armchairs in the room ! I spent years molding them by sleeping on it !
M : It’s true then, you can sleep anywhere ?
EH : Not really… I’ve been insomniac since childhood. I patrol at night so I have something useful to do… and then when I’ve been up for long enough, and I exercised enough, my body allows itself to collapse. And I call that “sleeping”.
M : Oh… that alone could explain your pain thing… You must be absolutely SHREDDED !
EH : Well… right now I feel very relaxed…
M : That’s what you needed ! Recovery Girl is the best !
EH : How come I didn’t know she had that in stock ?
M : She assumed you would be too uptight ?
EH : Why does everybody keep assuming I cannot have fun !
PM : Your attitude ? Your talking ? The way you work ?
EH : okay, okay…
M : Your face ? Your clothes ? Your…
EH : I said OKAY !
MS Joke : Who DARE talk ill of my soon to be husband ?
EH : Oh my god… my head…
PM : Hi Joke ! Er… why are you doing here again ?
MJ : I’m here to support my dear Aizawa, who just came out of the hospital, happy to see you back in one piece !
EH : That’s… not totally true.
MJ : AHAHA you’re a riot !
M : Soon to be… husband ? Why does she say that ?
EH : To piss me off.
MJ : Come on, I still have hope ! One day you’ll break your celibacy vow and…
EH : For fuck sake Joke how do I have to say it ? You piss me off, you make me uncomfortable, and I am not celibate, you idiot, I’m GAY ! Do you understand that word ? G A Y ! So stop following me, stop flirting, stop patting me on the back, I never thought that was funny, it makes my blood boil !
Eraser Head clumsily stands up and rushes to the staff kitchen, slamming the door. Present Mic has the face of someone who just saw a terrible accident happen in slow motion. Mirko hardly manages not to laugh out loud. Ms Joke stares at the kitchen’s door, dumbstruck.
Another Ketsubutsu teacher joins her and tries to put a hand on her shoulder, but she leaves the room, crying. The teacher mumbles “I… I tried to tell her… but I didn’t want to interfere. Sorry…”, then he leaves too.
Mirko stays silent a minute, then she stares at Present Mic.
M : So you two… you are ?…
PM : NOPE !
M : Ho ? I thought ?
PM : hey, wait… I never did a public come out…
M : Because you don’t need to… everybody knows.
PM : oh.
M : Sorry, the gummy bear makes me talk too much.
Mirko joins the kitchen, where she finds a very busy Aizawa.
M : So… are you okay ? It was… intense !
EH : I’m so hungry !
M : Oh, that’s a normal side effect, now that’s reassuring, you are just human after all !
A : Oh, gimme a break… I’ve been pushing her away gently for YEARS ! What does it take for…
M : WOW ! No ! I was not talking about this ! You’ve been more than patient all this time… but… you don’t usually show that amount of emotions in public. Well… beside the “grumpy” one.
EH : Yes. And I don’t get what people would want me to change. I don’t ask anyone to change their way !
M : I understand.
EH : and I’m getting even more HUNGRY !
He searches the fridge, and the cupboards… everything that was ready to eat disappeared in some hero’s stomach, or toward the refugees’ kitchen… Also, more teachers came here to eat since the construction of the tunnel to Shiketsu started.
EH : I know.
M : You know ?
EH : I know what I should do. I cannot step back anymore. Yes… This is the only logical take of action there is… Mirko help me ! We’ll make a CAKE !
M : Ah ! Now THAT makes sense !
EH : It’s the meaning of LIFE !
M : Alright !
EH : A cake, it’s just like… life ! You gather different ingredients, that have no taste if you take them separately… like flour, baking powder, egg white… Other have far too much taste like sugar or fruit concentrate… But all together, with enough beating and whipping, and a few minutes in an oven under inhumane conditions… they all emerge into a BEAUTIFUL CAKE !
M : I should have known you'd be a philosophical stoner.
EH : also a hungry one !
M : okay, okay… I’m sure we need to separate the egg from the shell to begin with… Focus, I’m still struggling with fine motor skills with this robot hand !
Eraser Head realizes he doesn’t know how to bake a cake, browses his phone, and proudly shows Mirko a recipe.
EH : Super Easy Cake for Kids Wearing mittens !
M : I suppose it’s suitable for two recently amputated adults, one of them one-eyed.
EH : It’s no big deal, it only affects my depth perception…
He proceeds to pour flour in the bowl, but half of it ends up behind the bowl.
EH : It’s no big deal, I’ll do it again.
Once the flour AND the baking powder are in the same bowl, Mirko volunteer to pour the sugar. She’s almost at the appropriate number on the scale, when her robot hand decides to go south, and she pours the whole bag into the bowl.
EH : It’s no big deal, it’ll be better with more sugar.
Eraser Head appears to be dexterous with the eggs, but he insists on beating the egg whites, while it’s not in the recipe.
EH : I saw Sato do it a thousand times. And his cakes are always delicious. It cannot be that hard…
But Aizawa forgot that cannabis will not only make you less anxious, less self-conscious, and ease your pain, but also make your muscle go soft. He’s working on it for 5 minutes, but the egg whites only make a few bubbles…
M : Secure the bowl with both hands, I’ll do it !
A stoned Mirko is still as strong as 4 grown men. The foam appears under Aizawa shiny eyes, while he’s getting more and more enthusiastic.
PM : Hey how are you two doing ? Aizawa, you know, nobody’s mad at… what are you doing ?!
EH and M : A CAKE !
PM : I thought you were… sad…
EH : Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof ! I’ve already been sad today, but now, I want a cake !
PM : I just wanted to let you know that Fat Gum is here… I let him know of your… state.
Aizawa stops all together, sit on the ground, and weeps.
M : What the…
PM : Oh no…
EH : I… I… Suuuuuuuuuuck !
M : Eraser, you don’t suck ! You’re my friend !
PM : Hey listen… now that you came out to half of the heroic society… let’s do it all the way !
EH : I… can’t… Don’t you realize ? He’s so CUTE, what would he do of an old dirty grump like myself ?
M : Oh… I didn’t see that coming…
PM : He likes them big…
EH : And he is so SWEEEEEEEEEEEET… did you see him play with Eri ? She calls him TOTORO ! And he smiles at her ! He’s PERFECT !
PM : Yes and… er… he loves to eat, and you are making a cake ! Come on, I’ll help you finish it, he’s going to love it !
Those three idiots cannot cook, but the miracle of weed give them extra abilities. The batter seems to be edible… the electric oven is fairly easy to use. Present Mic brew some emotional support coffee for Eraser Head.
As Mirko and Aizawa have lively philosophical debates about love, Present Mic watches the time and get the cake out of the oven.
M : It’s beautiful ! We should decorate it !
EH : We should have some of the colored sugar Sato brought for the festival…
They end up putting sugar all over the cake, plate, table, and Present Mike’s jacket.
EH : I never saw anything that beautiful my whole life…
PM : Do you feel ready to step out of that kitchen now ?
EH : of course why ?
PM : well earlier you…
EH : It was a coffee deficiency !
PM : Alright !
They come in the teacher lounge with the cake, some plates and spoons, and a bottle of milk. The room far less busy now. Fat Gum uses 2 third of a couch, while talking with the Big 3 and Eri. Mirio keeps babysitting her despite his new responsibilities. The effect of the edibles are wearing off Aizawa, who’s now in a state of Grace where the pain is numb, but the brain kinda works.
Fat Gum : I can’t believe it, you 3 ! You made a cake !
Eri : Yes ! Pink cake ! It’s a LOVE cake !
PM : hehe…
M : Shush you !
Eri : Tamaki, can you change into a pink cake ?
Sun Eater : Er… it doesn’t work that way… but I can make myself pink once I ate some !
Aizawa slips next to Fat Gum on the couch, devoid of his usual awkwardness. He looks so satisfied he could purr… Fat Gum cuts the cake like a pro.
Did Recovery Girl know she would accomplish much more than pain management ?