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The gang was coming over today, he had everything ready. Lucas was bringing a movie and Eddie was bringing the adults- no “adult stuff” though. Steve made that clear.
Everything was ready in the living room, his mom was out for work and knew everyone would be there. It was all planned and ready. He’s excited, genuinely, just a little tired- as usual. It’s not new, he’s always tired. Dustin forced himself out of bed and onto the couch. Steve or Eddie would probably be the first to show up, as they normally are.
Dustin jumped awake at the sound of someone knocking.
“Lucas? You’re here early.”
Lucas smiled, “Obviously, I couldn’t wait to show you what I found though.” He handed him the VHS tape, “The Thing, they finally had it! Plus Steve wasn’t working so no one could tell me no.” He walked past Dustin and sat on the couch.
“That’s awesome! He might get mad when he’s here though.” Dustin forced, he needed to sound as excited as his friends. He’s looking forward to it. I mean, he’s always the energetic one. He closed the door and sat beside Lucas, closing his eyes for a moment.
“Dude, is everything ok? You seem out of it.”
“Yeah! Yeah no, I’m good, just closing my eyes for a moment.”
“Have you gotten any sleep?”
Have you gotten any sleep? How could he? They nearly fucking died- multiple times. Everything that happened- Max, Eddie, the fight. No. No, he hasn’t been able to sleep. How the hell could he? Everything was fucked up- everything wasn’t normal. Yeah, they defeated vecna and everyone is alive but…but it wouldn’t ever be the same. His mom moved to Hawkins to keep him safe, to keep them safe. Yet he’s over here keeping her safe. Keeping the whole town safe. They don’t even deserve it.
“Yeah. Just a bit tired, you know?”
Lucas pulled his legs on the couch and faced his friend. “Dustin. Can we talk? Like a serious conversation. I’m worried about you.”
Here we go again. Another conversation, another sympathetic smile, or another offer of comfort. Just leave him alone.
“Yeah sure.”
“What’s been going on, man? You haven’t been talking to me or really hanging out like we used to. I barely even see you out of these get together’s. Even Eddie hasn’t-.”
“You asked Eddie? Dude.”
“Yes, ok? I asked him because I thought maybe you were hanging out with him. We always hang out, Dustin. Us. You wouldn’t even stay home when you were sick. What’s going on? I’m worried- I miss you, man.”
“It’s fine, ok? I’m fine. I’ve just been dealing with some things. It’s not that big of a deal.” He replied, pulling his knees to his chest.
“Please- please talk to me. I care, I’m here. I don’t care how bad it is or what it is. I’m not going to judge you- I never will. Please, just talk to me. Please?” Lucas was practicing begging at this point. He genuinely cared, it was obvious. He didn’t deserve to feel like that, especially not over Dustin.
“Ok. Just…don’t tell anyone, Please?”
“Of course.”
It’s not like this is the first time he’s felt like this, it’s always kind of been there. Sometimes it lasts for months, the longest he’s had was a year. It goes away but it comes back, it’s confusing and random. It’s like every time things start getting better these feelings come back, like they know he’s happy. Sometimes they make him think of things he’d never do or consider. Sometimes they suggest an escape, he doesn’t want that though. It hurts, to feel like that every day. Being so tired, being so sad, and being renounced.
“Do you ever feel like…tired?”
“I think everyone does, Dustin.” Lucas tilted his head slightly.
“Obviously, dude…but do you ever feel mentally tired? Like just so exhausted that it hurts.”
“No? I mean, I have rough days but not tired? Is that how you’ve been feeling?”
Dustin nodded, holding his knees against his chest as he leaned over to rest his head on the couch.
“Yeah. Every day. I just feel so…exhausted. Like so tired that even breathing and moving feels like shit. I just…I’m tired. It’s stupid and I know it’ll pass. I know it’ll be fine. Shit happens.”
“It’s not stupid. What do you mean ‘shit happens?”
“I mean shit happens . This feeling, these conversations, the upside down. Shit happens- all of the time. All of the fucking time. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being scared- of being stressed. Yeah “ we beat him ” but did we actually? We said the same shit last time and it happened again. Everyone believed it. I believed it! But it wasn’t the end! It never fucking ends! I’m tired of it! I’m done! I can’t take it anymore.” He shouted, sitting in a new position so he could pull at his curls. “I can’t take it. I’m done, Lucas. Done. I just want things to be normal again. I want to hang out all of the time again. I want us to ride our bikes in a non-life threatening moment. I want to have sleepovers again and know those monsters are only in DND. I’m tired of saving the world. I’m tired of watching people suffer and seeing my friends hurt. I’m tired of all of it. When do we get to be happy? When do we get to be normal? When do I get to live life like a normal teenager? I wanted to be normal- to be another weird nerd. I wish my problems were bad grades or stupid. No! Instead I have to deal with all of this stupid bullshit! When do I finally get a chance to rest? When do I finally feel happy? I’m so tired. I’m so fucking done.”
“Dustin, calm down. Let’s just-.”
“No, Lucas! I can’t calm down! I’m mad- I’m so fucking pissed! What did I do to deserve this? What did we do to deserve this bullshit!? After everything- after all of our hard word none of it fucking mattered! It always came back! We never won! How the fuck are we sure we did this time!? I’m fucking done. And this town? This shitty stupid fucking town? It’s bullshit! What is the point of defending it anymore!? They don’t care about us! They never did! All they’ve ever done is bully us and be mean to our friends. Why are we even doing anything for them? We should’ve just let the upside down take it.”
“What? Dude, no. I know this town is shitty but we live here. Our parents- our friends. They live here. We literally grew up here, we made memories here. You and me, we literally became friends here. This town sucks and so do so many people here but I wouldn’t want it to disappear. My life is here. You’re here, dustin.” Lucas scooted forward, grabbing Dustin’s hand as he spoke, “I know. I know it’s hard. It’s like everyday I’m just waiting for bad news- like it’s never got to end…but how can you live? I think we’re always going to feel like this. We’re always going to worry…but we have each other.”
“Yeah, Sure.”
“What? Dude, I really mean that. I-.”
“Obviously I don't want to lose you guys, ok? I love you guys. I know it’s fine. I know I have you guys. I know it gets easier and all that bullshit. Trust me, I’ve heard it a million times. I know, ok? I know it gets better and I just have to wait. I know…but I’m so tired of waiting. Of being forgiving. Eddie nearly died-.”
“But he didn’t.”
“I know! I fucking know that, lucas! I know he didn’t! But he could have. He could have died fighting for all of those undeserving assholes. I nearly lost him. You nearly lost max. Doesn’t that make you mad? All of these people- all of these pieces of-.”
“Yes. It makes me so mad. So fucking angry. They didn’t deserve Eddie, Max, El or will. They don’t even deserve you, Dustin…but I’ve forgiven it.” He interrupted, grabbing Dustin’s other hand as he gave a comforting squeeze to the other. “They don’t deserve what we did or what happened to us but we deserve to let go. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to move on. It’s bull shit- what they did to us- what happened to us. It’s all bullshit! But you don’t have to always feel like that.” Lucas stood up from the couch and pulled the other boy into a hug. “I love you, man. I really do. I know everything is crappy right now but I’m here for you. I don’t want you to feel like this alone. I don’t want you to feel like this at all…but I know it’s hard. I know it’s bullshit. I care about you man and I don’t give a shit about whatever this town has to say about us or our friends. I know who you are and I know you deserve nothing but the best. I can’t make you stop feeling this way but I can do my best to help. Whenever you feel like this- feel anything, you can tell me. You can talk to me about anything, dude. I don’t care if it’s weird or gross. I don’t care what it is, just reach out if it bothers you. I’m here for you. Always.”
Dustin pulled away from the hug, whipping his eyes from the few tears that escaped down his cheeks. He wasn’t really one to cry but all of these emotions. They were all too strong. “…thank you. I Just Never thought anyone would understand how I felt- how I feel. I love you too, Lucas. I just…i've been so angry. So damn…sad? It’s just been so much that I feel like I can’t keep going. I just feel so much anger and the constant fear of it happening again. I’m scared, man. I want to be happy. It’s all I’ve wanted since all of this crap began. I will reach out more, if you’ll listen?”
Lucas laughed, pulling Dustin back into a tight hug. “Of course I’ll listen. But I think we should maybe get you cleaned up? I think I heard some loud ass metal approaching.”
He smiled as he pulled a tissue from his pocket and began to wipe down his friend's face.
“A handkerchief? What is this, the 1800’s?”
“Nope, it’s a napkin that I used to hold my corn dog with.”
“That’s really gross.”