Chapter Text
“Former emperor, to be precise!” Luz declared. The disgruntled man(what was left of him)did not say anything. The large jar had once stored dill pickles, and had just enough room for his shrunken head. It was the perfect entertainment for a rainy day - five friends seated at a dining room table, looking at what remained of Belos. What a sight - lumpy, slimy ooze gathered into the vague form of a face, which looked like it might melt. The dark green was even more sickly than the last time they’d met.
It was a small kitchen, and Luz had never seen it so crowded. The jar was in the middle of the table, and all were leaning towards it - Amity, Gus, Willow, and Hunter. The human realm had treated them well so far, and they dressed in its clothes. On the kitchen counter, speakers were playing bebop jazz, and the phone’s screen showed the album cover for Monk’s Dream. Camila was out grocery shopping, and Vee had gone to the movies, so there wasn't anyone else in the house.
Luz said “Well then, let’s use the direct approach. How do you get to the demon realm? I know that you know. You know that I need to know if I want to see Eda and King again.” There was no response. “And Lilith and Hooty and Emira and Ederic and you get the picture.” Yet again, refusal to make a sound. “Well!?” she said, and slammed her hands on the table, almost knocking the jar over. Still, the slimy visage remained unfazed.
Hunter said “I say we put him in the oven.” “Hunter!” Luz said with a look of shock on her face. “I’m scared, Luz. He nearly got us all killed!” “I know. I’m scared too, Hunter - scared that we won’t make it back in time! To the demon realm!” “If he could do it by himself, the five of us can do it together! Besides, we’ve got an advantage: we’ve been there before! I’m sure we can figure it out, Luz. You’re smart! And creative! Belos is dangerous. Let’s get rid of him before he tries anything.” “No. We need to get information out of him. Somehow.” “He’s not going to tell us anything! He hates all of us! You the most.” The face in the jar chimed in - “That’s not true, Gus is my least favorite.” Gus replied “Okay buddy, I’m putting you in the microwave.” Hunter said “Oven!” “The microwave is faster.” “I want it to be slow.” Luz said “Hunter. Seriously.” Amity said “Wait a minute, he just talked!” Everyone sat in stunned silence, and in his tiny prison Belos scowled.
Willow said “Hunter made some good points. We’d be wasting effort trying to ask things we could figure out ourselves. And he definitely doesn’t want to tell us.” Amity said “We should at least make a serious attempt. To talk, I mean. And we did just get a breakthrough.” Gus said “Yeah, just to trash talk.” Luz said “Whatever! It’s still progress. Listen. I spent-uh, WE spent three days trying to build a portal and didn’t get anywhere.” Gus said “It was pretty much just you.” Amity said “Well if somebody wasn’t suddenly obsessed with skateboarding-” “What were you doing?” “I was appreciating art! It was research! A better appreciation of the human realm might help us somehow.” “Got any insights from anime?” “No.” “Didn’t think so.” Luz said “The point is, so far we’re not even close to building a portal. The way to build one is right here. On a silver platter! And you want to put it in the MICROWAVE?!” Hunter said “Oven.” Amity said “Sorry Luz, I regret to announce that I agree with Hunter.” He said “Whaddaya mean regret?” She continued “Look I’m sorry I wasn’t more helpful with your efforts to build the portal.” “Nah anime is addictive I get it.” “But I’m sure that you ca- uh that we can do it! If we all pool our efforts and get serious we can pull it off! But keeping Belos around is too much of a risk.” Hunter said “Thank you Amity. Well Luz, you’re outvoted. Four to one agree to put him in the oven.” Gus said “Microwave.” “The method of disposal is immaterial.” “I beg to differ. If the jar cracks he might escape.” “The microwave doesn’t cook things evenly! Parts of it might still be cold, and we know that if a part of him survives-” “As if that’s your reason! You said you wanted it to be slow!” “I meant thorough.” “No you didn’t! You meant slow!” “Amity, what do you think? Oven or microwave?” She said “Uhhhh…compromise? We could put the microwave in the oven? No that’s stupid.” Hunter said “That is stupid. But it’s still better than Gus’ idea!” “What?”
Willow slammed her fists on the table, very loudly. She had the room’s full attention. “I changed my mind. Luz, I agree with you. We should make him talk.” Luz said “Uh, I don’t like your choice of words.” “Then, if it fails, we can always put him in the oven.” Gus said “Microwave!” “Actually, I have an even better idea. We put him in just for five minutes, then we take him out and ask him. If he’s rude to us, we put him back.” Hunter exclaimed “Yes! Willow, you’re a genius!” Amity said “You’re terrifying.” Willow said “Well he did try to explode the entire Boiling Isles.” Gus said “I don’t like this in-between. Either we go all the way, or nothing. And someone might drop it!” Luz said “No one’s going to drop it. We’ll be extremely careful.”
(Meanwhile Hunter preheated the oven to 350 F, then after a pause, changed it to 250)
“Hunter, I am serious, turn that off right now. We are NOT doing that.” Hunter said “Give me one reason why not.” “He will be less talkative if we do that! And we might melt his brain by accident!” “So what? There’s barely any left anyway.” “If we want him to talk we need to treat him with respect!” “Respect? Where was his respect for any of us?” “Listen Hunter, sometimes you have to negotiate with people you don’t like. That’s life. You can’t just set anything on fire if it doesn’t make you happy.” “Doesn’t make me HAPPY? He tried to END. YOUR. LIFE.” “Are you trying to get him to talk or to get rid of him?” “Get rid of him obviously! I only agreed with Willow because of the part that involved putting him in there. I’m not taking him back out.” Gus said “Well eventually somebody is going to have to clean up the mess. If you know what I mean.” This observation silenced everyone.
After a long moment Hunter said “I’ll do it. And we’ll bury it somewhere.” Willow said “Hey! I thought you agreed to try to get him to talk first!” “That’s wasting time we could be spending on building a portal. He’s not going to talk.” Luz said “You can negotiate with him if you’re respectful. I’ve done it before, and I can do it again. And you can’t always put people you don’t like in the microwave!” Hunter said “OVEN.” Gus asked “Did you just say you can’t always? Like you can sometimes?” Amity said “I just think we should make up our minds. All this back and forth is wasting time.” Gus said “You changed your mind already.” “Did I? When?” “Two minutes ago!” Willow said “It doens’t matter! Okay, let’s vote.” Gus said “Somebody is just gonna change sides again.” Amity said “Okay, I promise I won’t change my vote after I do it.” “Great. Okay, on three. Three. Two. Ah wait. One. Ah whatever.” Luz, Willow, Gus, and Hunter had all raised one hand. Luz said “Oh! We got a majority.” Hunter said “Yeah. Finally, you voted to put him in the oven.” “WHAT!” Willow said “That’s not what I thought we were voting for!” “What were we voting for?” Gus said “Sorry, my bad. Okay, if you want to put him in the oven, raise your hand.” Luz and Willow dropped their arms immediately. Luz said “Okay, if you want to have a respectful discussion, raise your hand!” She and Willow raised an arm, and Hunter and Gus dropped theirs. Luz said “Amity?” “I don’t know Luz, I really don’t think he’ll listen to us.” Gus said “Why didn’t you vote to fry him them?” Hunter said “We’re using the stove now?” “No stupid! In the microwave!” “You can fry things in the microwave?” “Nevermind. Amity, you have to vote. Pick something.” She answered “Ah, I can’t. Give me some time.” Hunter said “Hurry up.” “Don’t rush me!” Gus said “You’re taking too long.”
(the oven is still on)
Hunter said “Listen, Luz. I’m sorry. I’m just trying my best.” “That’s okay. I am too. No hard feelings.” He wrapped his arms around Luz - she said “Oh are you giving me a hug? That’s sweet” - pinning her arms to her sides, and squeezed tight. With surprising strength he lifted her off the ground. Then he shouted “GUS! NOW!” Luz started kicking and wriggling, and said “GUS NO!” Gus did not listen to her - he grabbed the jar and ran to the microwave. As he was opening the door Hunter said “The oven, you idiot!” “That’ll take too long!” “I PREHEATED IT!” Luz was still wriggling as she shouted “Amity! Stop him! Willow!” Neither of them moved.
“Amity, please!” Gus put the jar in the microwave and asked the fallen ruler “Any last words?” Belos answered “I hope you all live miserable lives and die slowly.” “Gee, thanks.” He slammed the door.
Luz bit Hunter’s arm, and he screamed “OW!” and lost his grip. Luz landed on her feet, and managed to start running, but Hunter tackled her from behind and they both hit the ground.
Microwave buttons were beeped and booped by Gus, and the low vroom of the microwave began - its sound mostly drowned out the noise of the wrestling match between Hunter and Luz.
With her arm pinned behind her back, Luz shouted “AMITY!”
Amity pointed at the oven and said “You don’t need that on too.” Gus said “Oh yeah,” and leaned over to push the buttons. It was while he was trying to find “cancel” that Amity pounced.
“OH COME ON! REALLY!?” Gus said as a slimy purple limb wrapped around his torso. The abomination magic lifted him off the ground. As Amity walked forward, Gus was shifted back and hit his head on a door frame. She said “Sorry!”
Amity first stopped the microwave, then turned off the oven. None of the appliances in the kitchen were on. In the tense moment that followed, the room was eerily quiet. She asked Gus “Can I put you down?” “Yeah can you?” “I mean can I trust you?” “Can I trust you? Are you gonna tell me to cook your lunch and then attack me?” “Look, Gus, I-” Hunter had quietly let go of Luz’s arm and ran at the abomination magic. Luz shouted “Look out!” but by then Hunter had already ran into the limb from the side, slicing through it. As Gus was falling, Hunter pushed “start” on the microwave, and it hummed again. Gus landed on his feet. The purple slime pooled on the floor, until Amity started pulling it back, dragging it towards herself. She never got far - first Gus snapped his fingers, and with a puff of smoke a blindfold appeared over her eyes. Then Hunter tackled her.
The blindfold vanished with another burst of smoke after they hit the floor. Gus said “Sheesh, you are violent today.” After some squirming Hunter managed to pin Amity’s arms. She said “Luz, if you get him o-!”
Willow pushed a button on the microwave, and it stopped. Then she shouted “ENOUGH!” with surprising power. There was a moment of perfect silence, of absence of sounds of appliances. “Hunter, let go of Amity. Now it’s three vs. two.” Hunter responded “Why are you on her side now?” Amity asked “Yeah why are you? Not that I’m complaining, I-” Willow said “Hunter. Off.” He stood up, and helped Amity to her feet, saying “No hard feelings.” She answered, “I understand where you’re coming from.”
Gus sniffed and said “Something smells delicious.” His eyes went wide, and he put his hands over his nose.