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“Your spacing out again Tooru. Oi are you even with me right now!?”, a sharp sting pulses though my head knocking me out of the bubble I created in my head, “could you just not throw a volleyball at my head for one day please”, I try to rub the pain away, but I even know that’s useless.
”I wouldn’t have to if you just answered me, I’ve been taking too you for the past few minutes, but all I got was a blank stare”, Iwa comes up beside me and plants himself in my peripheral vision, I hate that look, it’s like I’m being told off by my mum.
They definitely spend way too much time together.
“What’s going on in that head of yours huh?”, he crosses his arms while he scrunches his thick eyebrows up in a attempt to look intimidating, great now he looks like my dad when he’s telling me off.
That’s it he’s band from coming over too my house now.
I look to the side so I don’t have too witness his scary gaze any longer, I clutch the volleyball in my hand while bouncing it absentmindedly on the gym floor, “nothings going on, sorry I wasn’t listening, can we get back to practice please, it’s the last one we all have together and I want to make it count”.
He eyes me suspiciously before dropping his whole ‘upset parent’ thing he’s got going on. He snatches the volleyball out of my arms and points a finger at my face, “we’re walking home together, you’ll tell me then got it”.
I smile down at him, “about what Iwa-Chan? There’s nothing to talk about”, I can practically feel the anger roll off of his body as I walk back over to the team, I may or may not have walked over with my hands on the back of my head, but there’s no need to investigate that further.
And maybe for the rest of the practice session too.
You’d understand if he threw one at you, that shit hurts like hell.
~~~~~
“Alright spill it”, I open my mouth to speak but he doesn’t even let me answer, “and I don’t want any of that shit about ‘everything’s fine’ because I know when your not”, I immediately shut my mouth.
“That’s what I thought”, he says while he side eyes me, “is it about the Karasuno match, we did our best you need to stop-“
”No I’m past that now, it still hurts like a bitch but I’m done feeling sorry for myself”, I take a few deep breath’s In because I know what I’m about to tell him may earn me a smack or two.
”After the match I sort of ran into someone, actually it was sort of like I was cornered and I had no where to run”, slight exaggeration on my part but it fits my point of view.
“And who was this mystery person, was it another one of your fan girls?”, I can’t help but laugh at the thought of him being one of my fan girls, now that would be a sight I would pay to see.
“It was Ushijima”, I emit, Iwa stops dead in his tracks and scowls down at the concrete below his feet like it’s wronged him in a way, “and what did he say?”, I roll my eyes at his dramatics, and people say I’m the dramatic one.
”Nothing, it doesn’t matter”, he looks up at me in disgust almost, “If it’s been bothering you this much then something was definitely said”.
”Iwa-Chan if you keep scrunching your face up like that then no one is going to want to date you”, I rest my hands on my hips in a disapproving manner, which he ignores of course.
”Tell me what he said Oikawa”, his tone is actually serious this time, it almost makes me scared.
Almost.
“All you have to know is some things were said, somethings that at the time made me want to strangle him, but you’d be happy to know that i didn’t strangle him, I did in my head though”, oh I so strangled him in my head.
“Look I’m sorry about practice I was just off in my head and- stop doing that”, I feel like I’m in a horror movie, “Iwa-Cham stop your scaring me”.
“Fuck off I’m only smiling”, that’s exactly the point, it’s a unhealthy balance of creepy and a pained look, jeez he really needs to work on that.
“It’s disturbing, stop that”, I shield my eyes from the horrific view in front of me, he scoffs at me then I feel a heavy pain on my foot, “could you stop assaulting me for just one day that’ll be greatly appreciated”, I move away from the bully that I call my best friend in hopes to not be hurt again.
“You so have a crush on him still”, and with that sentence I almost throw up in my mouth, the horror of the sentence alone makes me feel all itchy and gross, “absolute blasphemy, I have a crush on people like Jason momoa or someone like heath ledger, not-“, I can’t even put his name in the same sentence as them two, it would be against my nature to do so.
“Oh you so do have the hots for him still, why else would he still be on your mind, Tooru it’s been two weeks and your still thinking about him”, my mouth drys up as he continues spewing nonsense, okay I may have had a small crush on him in my first year but that soon wore off.
But to think after all of the spats and death stares, mostly from my side, he still thinks I have a school boy crush on the man.
Fine yeah he’s hot, and he’s begrudgingly handsome from far away, and okay yeah he’s semi descent at volleyball and all, but that doesn’t mean I still have a crush on him. No way.
“Jesus your even thinking about him now aren’t you, you’ve really got it bad, and I thought your crush on him in our first year was embarrassing but this is something else”, he walks past me and slaps me on the back like we’ve just won a set in a game.
“Remind me again why I told you about this”, I groan into my hands at the feeling of my head nearly imploding at all of the unnecessary thinking I’m doing, “and I was not thinking about him thank you very much!”, I shout after him, he raises his thumb into the air as he turns onto his street with his back facing toward me.
“Still have the ‘hots’ for him, my ass I do”, I whisper, my face must be an absolute picture because as soon I walk through my front door my mum is crowding around me, “some personal space would be nice mum”, she scowls up at me, great now she looks like Iwa when she’s mad.
“I’m sorry, just had a long day, love you”, i quickly kiss her cheek, i quickly brush pass her and up the stairs, “dinner will be ready in thirty minutes!”.
“Okay!”, shouting back as I close my bedroom door and throw my school bag on my bed as well as throwing myself on it too.
My eyes keep drifting in and out of sleep as I just lay dormant on top of my covers, today has been a day. And I feel even worse lying to Iwa about the ‘Ushijima’ situation, I wasn’t lying about the run in with him though.
Just sort of lied about the text message he sent me before practice, to be honest it was as a surprise to me as it probably would of been to Iwa if I told him. I never gave him my number and I’m pretty sure no one I know would give it to him either, so the unopened text that’s still in my phone remains a mystery.
Doesn’t stop me from looking at it constantly, I’ve reread it over and over in my mind since it popped up on my home screen.
‘I wanted to apologise for my choice of words the other day, I was out of line, hope you can forgive my manner.
-Ushijima Wakatoshi’
Who the fuck signs their full name after a text, and ‘forgive my manner’ only he would put that in a text, it’s so him. When I saw the the text pop up on my phone in the locker room I fully flung my phone across the room, I’m just glad it landed on the mound dirty practice bibs.
How dare he worm his way back into my head, I only just got him out of it. And it’s not that I’m mad with him anymore, in fact it’s made me more fired up too destroy him in later games, and now with me going to play for San Juan in a few weeks I’ll be sure to achieve it.
However it’s not his words that have stuck in my head, it’s the calmness of his chiselled features when he said the words, like he didn’t mean to say them with hurt involved. And the way he stood his ground as I threw back insults, it’s was almost… attractive.
I said almost. Don’t get ahead of your selfs.
It’s not a new development that he’s attractive though, he always has been, doesn’t mean I don’t hate him for the countless times he’s beat me and the unmoving sportsmanship he shows after he’s done so.
I just hope me moving to the other end of the world will make me a better player, so one day I can finally beat him, and when that happens I’ll shake his hand and walk away a happy man. Probably get extremely drunk afterwards but that’s besides the point.
“Dinners ready!”
I can already see it now, I’m going to win against you one day Ushijima Wakatoshi just you wait and see what this worthless pride can achieve.
~ nine years later ~
Tokyo Olympic stadium
“You ready for this toto?”, our captain ,Philippe, grabs our shoulders in a tight grip as we huddle together for a pre-game pep talk, everyone turns and smiles at me with determination in there eyes, “so ready”, I reply.
“Well then, let’s beat them on their own turf, and get us that gold medal”, there wasn’t really any need for pep talk to be honest, I can feel the fumes of adrenaline bursting out of us all. We’ve climbed our way to the semifinals, and smashed our way through to finals, only to play the ‘monster generation’ aka Japans national team.
I see them huddled together also at the other end of the court, I smile as I see Hajime in the middle of them all hyping them up to win this match, and I’ll tell you know I don’t intend to go down without a fight. I could of cried when Iwa met me off the plane, I think we both knew the importance of what this is, either Iwa will be the trainer for gold medal Olympic team or I’ll be a Olympic gold medallist.
Either way we’d both be cheering each other on.
“suerte y no jodas”, we all giggle at the captain’s choice of words, he’s right though, ‘good luck and don’t fuck up’, probably the best choice of words he could of used in this situation to be honest.
We disband from the circle and get to our pre-game rituals, Sammy calls his wife, Joesph prays by the bench and me well I just like to annoy the other team from behind the net. Much to Hajimes distaste of course.
Out of the corner of my eye I spot him, the man of the hour, ‘the ace of all aces’ they call him now, he’s earned the title though, after a year or two of despising the man I stared to realise that it was never hated I felt towards him. Well not always anyway.
But it was something much more scarier than that, I liked him, after all the tears I shed and the times I broke my myself down to make myself better enough to beat him, it was all a lie. Because I played to win, never because it was fun, because I wanted to beat him.
But watching him lose on tv from my couch in Argentina and he still comes of the court with a smile on his face, it put everything in perspective for me. I lost my love for volleyball, I only strived for points and just to say I won, never because I enjoyed playing the sport.
So it became my routine to watch his games, to either see if he won or if he had lost, and just to see that happy look in his face wether he lost or not single handedly saved my love for volleyball, along with a few days of beach volleyball with shoyo too.
So I’ll resend my words from when I was younger, I want to win against him, not because I need to, I don’t need to show him I’m better or that I am worthy. But just to see that smile, that unapologetically happy smile on his face, because it doesn’t matter at the end of the day if I win or not, but too see Hajime happy at becoming a trainer of a gold medallist team and to see the smile on Wakatoshi face if he wins, that’ll be enough for me.
Ushijima somehow senses me looking as his attention automatically directs at me, he’s older now, his hair is still the same though. But everything about hits changed, he more built out, muscles galore if I do say so myself, the only word that comes to mind when I think of him now isn’t, annoying or infuriating or something along them lines.
The word I’d use is beautiful, there’s many reasons I’d use that word to describe him, too many too can count. That stonic, awkward and driven man Single handedly saved me and my passion for volleyball, and the basted doesn’t even know it.
It’s been years since I saw him, it still took me by surprise when he sent me a happy birthday text a few months after I left for Argentina. But surprisingly it became a running thing between us, every holiday we’d send each other a celebration text, at first I thought nothing of it, but after a while I’d count down the days until the next holiday where I’d receive a text from him.
He’d even sent me a safe travels text before I got on the plane to Tokyo, and never has a text message made my heart skip a beat before.
And here he stands in front of me, only a few metres from me. My old rival.
He mouths ‘good luck’ too me, and I spot something in his eyes, like a fires been lit inside of him. He’s excited.
‘You too’ I mouth back, my content smile turns feral as he smiles back at me, it says ‘show me what you got’, and by the gods I’m going too show him everything I’ve got.
The starting line up whistle blows, both teams instantly switch on there game faces, me included.
This is it Tooru, make the most of it.
Show them what worthless pride can be turned into.
~~~~~
The ball drops painfully slow on the other side of the court. We freeze, the whole stadium freezes as the line man calls it in, the referee shoots his hand to our side of the court.
It all becomes a blur of motions to me, Philippe covers my body with his, Tommy and Aaron pile onto me like there life’s depend on it.
“Oh you beautiful, beautiful man Oikawa Tooru! You did it!”
“Toto!! You did it!”
“What a great send off Tooru, we’ll done my boy!”
We won.
With my serve.
I throw my pride out of the window and just let the heavy tears flow from my tired eyes. The guys cradle me in there arms and just let me do so, I hear people scream my name, Hajimes is in there somewhere.
The guys stand me up and that’s when I notice the tears in there eyes too, they all did this for different reasons, and they achieved it. By putting there faith in me to serve the last ball.
Coach calms us all down and gets us to line up at the net to shake hands, I go down the line of the men in front of me. Kageyama looks at me with absolute defeat in his eyes, so I grab both of his hands and elope them, this takes him by surprise as he looks at me in confusion, “I believe we’re even”, I say with no malice in my voice.
He doesn’t scowl, or frown, just smiles with tears in his eyes, “next time, I’ll beat you, one last time”, he replies.
Shoyo looks at Kageyama with absolute unadulterated love, he pulls on Kageyamas jersey to follow him down the line, Shoyo nods as a sort of a thank you and off he goes down the line.
“Well done”, his voice snaps me out of the haze I’ve been in since that ball landed on the other end of the court, I can now hear all the cheers of the fans that are in the stands, I can hear the music playing that travels around the stadium. I can hear everything.
He’s the first one to initiate the hand shake between us both, but I can’t seem to take my eyes off him and his smile. There it is, that dammed career saving smile.
Although my eyes may be looking at him, his eyes seem fixated on our interlocked hands, “Ushijima?”, I say his name to try and get him out of his own head and it works surprisingly well, because next thing I know he’s pulling me closer to the net just enough that I can hear the his whisper clearly.
“I’m proud of you”, and with that he lets go of my hand and leaves me standing here, confused and a little teary. I try and grab his hand once more but he’s already making his way to the side lines where the rest of the unhappy looking team are.
The guys grab my shoulders and move me towards are side of the side lines where coach is waiting for us with a massive smile on his face.
~~~~~~
“Toto! Why aren’t you drinking buddy? Come on it’s time to celebrate”, Tommy clings to my side in the cramped Argentina common room, his gold medal hangs around his neck and a unmoving smile still present on his face.
“Give me a while, I just haven’t processed it all yet, once I do I’ll be on that dance floor I promise you”, well I wouldn’t exactly call that a dance floor, they moved all the furniture to the side and plonked a speaker in the middle.
“That’s the toto I know and love!”, I smile at my teammate as he dances his way over to the make shift bar at the other end of the room, the common area is filled to the brim with the Argentina teams and all different types of country’s teams, bronze, sliver and gold medals are scatted around the room or hand proudly on peoples necks.
I’ve been ordered to keep mine in my room by Hajime, some bullshit about me probably losing it. The Japan volleyball team are no where to be found though, even though we invited them after the match, maybe they’ll turn up later, the nights only young after all.
I get talking to a few of our women’s swimming team members until I feel a buzzing in my jean pocket, I excuse myself and try to weave my way though the crowds. I finally make it outside and I’m hit hard by the evening breeze, It always surprises me how cold it can get at night here, I guess I’m just accustom with the hot now.
But nothing could of surprised me more than the name that’s plastered on my phone screen.
‘Incoming call from Ushijima’
I don’t even hesitate to answer it, he sounds surprised, as if he didn’t expect me to answer at all. Oh he’s so wrong.
“Hey”, his tone is still, and yet my heart is doing everything but that, “hey”, he can probably hear the nerves through my voice as I answer in barely a whisper.
“I know your busy… but… I would like to see you… if you’ll allow?”, my heart sinks and rises back up my body simultaneously, I can’t even blame the cold on the way my shaking anymore.
I want to shout yes, a 100% yes, but nothing comes out, just unsteady breathing and shaky hands.
“If you would… I’m by the running track, if not…”.
I run, by the gods I don’t think I’ve ever ran this hard in my life, I don’t know if he’s on the phone or not, and honestly that’s not even my main priority right now.
Getting to him is.
I round corners while bumping into a few people, I follow the multiple signs towards the practicing tracks at the end of the village, I think I pass some of the Japan team on the way there.
I round one more corner and that’s when I find myself huddled over by the entrance to the track, steam escapes my lungs and travels into the crisp evening air, I try to wipe the sweat off my forehead as I attempt to regain my senses.
That’s when I see him, the track field lights beam down on to him creating a halo shape above his head, I want to laugh at the image but I’m still trying to breathe normally.
I knew I shouldn’t have worn jeans.
“You came”, he doesn’t sound surprised anymore, although he does look awfully concerned about the state I’m in at the moment.
I look him in the eyes and don’t fight the smile that’s appearing on my face, “you called”.
I stand up straight and almost level with him, of course he’s still taller than me, why wouldn’t he be.
“Did you run here?”, I shake my head, “nope… okay I may have jogged a little but I didn’t want you thinking I wouldn’t come, so I had to make sure to be here as soon as I could, and wow it’s a hell of a journey, honestly instead of making the runners do like twenty something laps around that thing they should just get them to run that because my god-“
He’s laughing.
My god he’s laughing.
Holy fucking Christ he’s laughing, not even like a petty laugh, no like he’s genuinely laughing.
And I can’t look away. Not even for a second.
He unfortunately stops when he sees me looking at him like a lost puppy.
“You still have a knack for storytelling I see, you always did use too have a flare for dramatics-“
“I like you”, I slap myself mentally and consider doing it physically as the three dreaded words leave my stupid mouth, my heart beats out of my chest at a million miles a minute as he doesn’t even react to my statement, like he didn’t even hear it.
I don’t take it back though, why would I do that, it’s true, the statements true and I don’t don’t go back on things if I’ve said them out loud.
I said I’d beat him one day. Check done.
I said I’d win against them all. Check and done.
Yet I never admitted this out loud, but there’s always a first for everything.
“I like you too”.
…
….
…..
“What?”
“I said I like you too, I’m sorry if I didn’t make it obvious by now”, excuse me?
“I thought you knew I liked you, I wasn’t very subtle with my crush on you back in high school”, I’m sorry what?
“I even got your number off Tobio so I could start to talk to you more, but I got nervous and didn’t, so I apologise for that, I guess I was just waiting”.
“Waiting?…”
“For you… it’s always been you I guess, ever since that first game we played against each other when we were younger I just knew, I never wanted to admit it to myself though, didn’t want to give you the satisfaction I guess”, he chuckles as he try’s his best to explain, but I’m already gone, fully off with fairies.
“Wait no like do you still like me? Because I like you, and I have for like six years and counting, and it’s getting to the point where I can’t do this anymore and just seeing you at the other side of the net today made me realise that I need to throw my pride out of the window and just ask you out… or am I getting this whole situation wrong”
He just smiles at me, “you talk way too much”, before I can even act offend he cradles my face in his slightly cold hands, “I like you Oikawa Tooru, and I don’t want to waste anymore time than I already have with you, so please… will go on a date with me, no silly text messages or glances over the net, just me and you”.
I pause for a second and scowl, “hey I actually enjoy them silly little text messag-“, the hands that cradle my face pull me in closer to the point where our cold lips touch, my body reacts before my brain has the chance to process anything that’s going on. So I kiss him back, it’s warm, it’s welcoming and it’s… beautiful, so, so beautiful.
I don’t think I know how long we share the kiss for but neither wants to stop, or even let each other go for that instance. He chases my lips as I move away slightly, I can help but chuckle a small bit at his eagerness as I place our foreheads together.
My hands are planted firmly on his chest and are hidden within his large puffer coat, I shiver as his hands travel down my neck and around my body, just to land on top of my waist.
“So… when are you taking me on that date huh?”, he pinches my waist a few times then rests his head in the crook of my neck, his hot breath on my neck instantly warms me up as well as the warmth of my probaly red cheeks.
“Anytime, anywhere, I don’t care anymore”, i brings his forehead back up to rest on mine, “I like this new Ushijima, it’s sexy”, he raises an eyebrow mockingly at me, “oh yeah?”.
“Yeah, really sexy”
“That’s what a seven year crush does to a guy… it drives them crazy”.
“Oh please tell me more”, i interlink our arms and pull him along, I rest my head on his shoulder as I walk him back to the Argentina dorms. If seventeen year old me ever saw twenty seven year old me arm in arm with the Ushijima Wakatoshi I think I may have a heart attack or call the police.
But now, as I walk arm in arm with him, it feels right, it feels comfortable, like this was meant to happen.
Like it was supposed to be this way.
I may have hated him and vice verser, but in this moment now, there’s no hate, not even a smidge of dislike In the air.
Yet there’s a feeling of something in the air, and if that word starts with ‘L’ and ends with ‘E’…
Then I won’t push it away, no more running or fighting.