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It's late at night, Chris is fast asleep in his room, and Buck is laying on their couch, the room only lit by the dim yellow hue of the floor lamp. He has Eddie's slumped weight right on top of him, his boyfriend laying his head right on his chest and ear right above Buck's heart, one arm dangling off the couch. It's a good weight, grounding. It feels safe and home. They are watching a documentary together, volume put on low. Well, they started as watching together, but now it's more like Eddie is watching it alone because Buck is currently busy with playing with his boyfriend's hair.
He has his fingers buried into Eddie's soft brown strands and is gently tracing them along Eddie's scalp, twirling his finger around and then lightly combing his hair. It's not his fault that Eddie has beautiful hair, it's so soft, fluffy and smells good, so he will make the most of it as he can.
But when Buck keeps playing with Eddie's hair, he notices something that makes him feel funny inside in a good way.
"You have two grey strands." Buck says with a quiet but playful voice, hand still in Eddie's hair.
"Shame." Eddie mumbles, his head rising and falling with each breath Buck takes. "I only had one before I met you."
"Fuck off." Buck rolls his eyes and smiles even though Eddie can't see it. He stays silent for a minute before he continues his tease. "I can't wait to see you become a silver fox." It's the thought of growing old together that makes Buck's heart skip a beat.
To that, Eddie lets out a light chuckle and lifts his hand to rest it on Buck's arm, rubbing up and down and sliding his hand under Buck's short sleeve, lightly squeezing his relaxed muscles. "And you think you will stay like this?"
"Oh, man." Buck snorts and rests his head against the armrest, staring up at the ceiling, his eyes shining as he talks. "Do you think we'll still be in this house?"
"I don't know." Eddie shrugs. "Maybe we'll buy a bigger one."
"Maybe a cottage." Buck folds his other arm around Eddie's back. "With a big yard."
Eddie hums. "Our kids can visit us whenever they want."
"Yeah." A fond smile twists up Buck's lips as he imagines it. Him and Eddie in their sixties, living in a cozy cottage just the two of us, their kids , kids, coming in for a visit. It feels good even as a dream. "That would be nice."
The conversation dies down as Eddie continues to watch the animals on the screen but Buck's mind stays where it was a few minutes ago, still imagining the life they can have in the future. Growing old with the love of his life, living in a beautiful home with kids, being actually happy. And suddenly his eyes glisten with tears because he'd never thought he would have… this . He'd never thought he would have Eddie. But he has. And it's the best thing that has ever happened to him.
Buck breaks the silence not long after. "Eddie."
"Hm?"
His voice slightly trembles as he speaks. "I love you."
Eddie must've noticed this, because he lifts his head up from where it was resting and looks at Buck, a soft expression on his face as he cups Buck's face. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Buck shakes his head with a quiet chuckle, a tear falling down his face. "I just— I don't know—"
"Baby." Eddie smiles and slides up just a little so he can get closer to Buck's face. "It's okay." He leans forward and plants a soft kiss on Buck's lips. "I love you, too. And I can't wait to grow old with you."
Buck stares at Eddie and smiles, his boyfriend's hazel eyes warming his heart. "Me too."
"Do you have any plans for today?" Buck asks Eddie the next day as he gets dressed. He has the morning shift and it's Eddie's day off, so he won't be seeing him until the evening.
Eddie watches Buck from where he is lying in bed. "Not much, maybe I'll go to the bank for some errands, but that's it."
"Okay." Buck says and checks his watch. He needs to hurry if he doesn't want to be late.He sits on the mattress and gives Eddie a quick peck on the cheek. "I better get going."
Eddie smiles. "Have a nice shift, babe."
With that, Buck leaves the house.
During the afternoon, Buck's phone chimes in with a text but before he can read it, the bell rings.
The call is a disaster, a fucking false call, but they notice it too late. Buck notices it too late.
They are dispatched to a theatre hall and Buck goes in first to look around— followed by the rest of the 118. The first floor is oddly empty so he goes upstairs to have a look and that's when it dawns on him that it's a fake call.
"Cap, there is no—" He feels a cloth being pressed over his nose, not being able to breathe in but the strong chloroform scent. He struggles against it but it makes him feel dizzy and everything fades as his eyes close.
His head feels like cotton, his eyelids feel heavy. But something in him tells him to open his eyes, that he has to wake up. So he listens.
As Buck slowly slits his eyes open and blinks the blurriness away, things come into his focus one by one. His eyes wander around to see he is in a small room with grey walls and only a small window, the only furniture in the room being a square table across from him. His back is resting against something solid and when he looks down at himself, Buck notices that he is left slumped on the floor. He runs a hand down his face with a groan as he tries to bring himself to wakefulness more and more, shaking his head a little, then rises to his feet with one hand resting on the wall for support as he gets up.
"What the hell?" Buck murmurs to himself and takes slow steps around the room, looking around in an attempt to examine the place, which is not a lot.
There is nothing in the room to examine, his attempts fall short, but his eyes catch the closed steel door so he rushes towards it and grasps the handle. Buck twists the knob up and down with all the force he has, shouldering the door to open it but it's no use. The door is locked.
"Great." He lets out a sigh and walks back to where he was, but he turns around when the steel door makes clicking sounds, followed by a creak as it's being pushed open, a brunette woman appearing behind it with a cup of water in her hand.
"Oh! You're awake." She tells him as she walks in and places the water on the table. "Thought you might be thirsty."
Buck's brows knit as he shoots her a deadly stare and swallows down the heavy feeling in his throat, trying to calm the fast beating of his heart. The woman is making him feel uneasy in a strange way. "Who are you? Where am I?"
"Relax, Mr. Buckley." She answers in an almost sweet voice. "We're not here to hurt you."
"What do you want?"
She rests her hand on the edge of the table and looks at him, the look behind her eyes weirdly calm. "We don't want anything from you. It's the department we have a problem with."
Buck clenches his jaw. "What kind of problem?"
"That, I can't say." She shuffles the keys in her hand and turns around, twisting her head towards Buck one last time before she leaves. "I'll be back in a few hours. I'm Jane, by the way."
With that, she leaves the room and locks the door, leaving Buck alone, staring at the door behind her.
Who is she? What do they want from the department? Why did they take him? Where the hell is he?
He has so many questions and none of them have any answers, at least not right now, and he has no way to get out of here.
Does the 118 know he is here? Did they tell Eddie? God, Eddie must be so worried for him.
Buck slides down the wall and sits on the floor as racing thoughts run around his brain. He has to get out of here as soon as he can, he has to get to Eddie and his team before something bad happens, but first he needs to calm down and think about how to do that very carefully.
Buck closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath to put himself at ease, and starts to think.
He can do it.
It takes more than a few hours for Jane to come back, Buck realizes as he checks his watch— it's almost midnight, and although he uses that time to come up with an escape route at first, eventually his thoughts shift towards the rest of his team, but mainly Eddie and Chris. He hates to think how worried all of them must be right now, and he hates it even more at the fact that he can't do anything to change that. His heart breaks all over but he can do nothing about it.
It was supposed to be a simple call, a simple shift, and he was supposed to go back to his family, not sit in this empty, cold room waiting for someone to save him. That is, if he doesn't get killed by the time they find him. Despite Jane's friendly attitude, this job and his life taught him to trust only a few, he knows this well enough. So he knows his life is hanging on by a thread.
That's why he has to get out.
His thoughts get interrupted by the sound of the door opening. Buck shoots his head up to see Jane walking in with a plastic box in one hand— dinner, what Buck assumes, and a white envelope in the other. That, Buck has no idea what is about.
"Sorry I was late." Jane says apologetically as she puts the container on the table. There is a strange look on her face, Buck notices, a whole different look from this morning. She looks almost sad, blue. Buck doesn't know if it's an act or real. "Here, enjoy your dinner."
Buck doesn't get up from where he is sitting, he stares at the container and then at Jane, his eyes serious and suspenseful. "How should I know it's not poison?"
Jane shakes her head."I told you, we want nothing from you."
"Then let me go."
"I can't do that." Jane lets out a sigh. "Don't make this harder for yourself."
"Yeah, right." Buck snorts half heartedly.
Jane checks her watch, then clicks her tongue. "I should go. Let me know if you need anything." As she walks towards the door, she stops dead on her feet and turns around. Her eyes get annoyingly sympathetic; it makes Buck nauseous. "Oh, by the way, my condolences. It must be hard to lose a partner."
Wait, what.
What the—
"What?" Buck's brows knit, his lips twisting down. What is this woman saying?
"He was your boyfriend, right? The one on the news?"
Buck gets on his feet and takes a step closer to her. The walls feel like they are getting closer. "What are you talking about?"
"Eddie Diaz?"
"What the fuck? He's not dead." Buck blurts out. This woman must be out of her mind because she doesn't make any sense whatsoever. And it's getting on Buck's nerves each passing second.
Eddie isn't dead. He was with him this morning. He isn't dead.
Jane keeps looking at him like it's Buck who is delusional. "They said there was a mass shooting at the bank."
"There must've been a misunderst—"
"He was there too, right?" Jane asks. "They showed the footage on the news."
No, but— no, no it's— it can't be true. It's not true. Eddie isn't dead. It can't be true. No, it's not true. Please.
He wants to throw up, his heart is beating out of his chest and it's beating so fast and so strong it feels like it's gonna give out any second, his limbs feel heavy, his head feels dizzy, everything is spinning and his mouth feels dry, his face feels on fire and his throat is closing up, he can't breathe— no, no, this isn't true. This woman is lying, Eddie isn't dead . Buck opens his mouth to say something, to speak, but all he manages is a short breath. "H-h-he—"
"His kid must be devastated."
"He's not dead!" Buck shouts. His face heating up more and his eyes wide open, burning with pure anger. This woman is lying because Eddie isn't dead. He isn't fucking dead. He can't be dead, no, please, it can't be true. "He's not dead! Stop lying!"
Jane offers him the envelope in her hand, and puts it on the table when Buck stares at it but doesn't take it. "The pictures they showed on the news. In case you want to see them." She gives him one last look and turns around, uttering words that Buck despises to hear as she leaves. "I'm really sorry, Buck."
No. This isn't true.
Eddie isn't dead. They were together this morning, he breathed in his scent this morning. There must have been a misunderstanding, it must be someone else, a mix of names, similar faces, something, anything , please anything God please don't let it be him it's not him please it's not him, not Eddie.
Buck's eyes burn with tears as they widen and stare at the envelope on the table. Shakes run through his body and it feels like it's ice running through his veins instead of blood.
It's not Eddie. Eddie is alive. He doesn't believe anything that woman is saying. She is a fucking liar. Eddie isn't dead, he is trying to find Buck and Buck will get to him. He will see him again.
But something pokes him to look inside the envelope. Just to be sure. Just to make it clear that he is right.
Taking a deep breath, Buck gets closer to the table and takes the envelope in between his fingers, his hand trembles so hard like a leaf that it shakes the white paper with it. He opens the envelope and tosses it on the table as he takes the folded paper out.
He feels scared. He feels so scared. He doesn't want to do this. Buck drops his head and stares at the paper that's ready to be opened, but he isn't ready. He doesn't want to do this. He just wants to go home to Eddie, that's all he wants.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Buck holds the edge of the paper and a part of himself hates his mind for praying that the pictures belong to someone else's body.
His heart feels in his mouth as he hesitantly unfolds the paper and it takes his breath away like a gut punch.
Buck's world stops.
Buck crumples the paper in his hand as he clenches his eyes shut and drops his head, fisting the paper so hard that his knuckles go white. " No. " He barely breathes out, biting down his lip to muffle the whimper trying to leave his throat but it comes out anyway.
The man in the picture is Eddie.
"God, no, please ." Buck whispers as he shakes his head, eyes still clenched close, too scared to face the reality, but the picture is already etched onto his brain. The man in the picture is Eddie.
Eddie is dead.
It's too much for his heart to carry, everything feels heavy and suffocating and it hurts, everything hurts . It hurts so much his whole body is shaking and he feels trapped, he can't breathe, his lungs don't fill with enough air, the lump on his throat chokes him.
The love of his life is dead. Gone. Hours ago without him having any idea of what happened.
Buck opens his eyes and uncrumples the paper, smoothening it and taking it between his hands so he can look at the photograph again. He traces his shaking fingers over the picture— over Eddie , and stares at it.
Eddie is laying on the floor, blood covering his whole face, darkening his hair, making a pool on the ground next to his still form. He is wearing the shirt Buck bought him for his birthday and it's ruined. It's ruined with his own blood.
His vision gets blurry as he stares at the picture, tear drops dropping on the paper— on Eddie, one by one.
Buck kissed him goodbye this morning. He ran his fingers through his soft hair yesterday, but now it's matted with blood. They made plans about the future yesterday . They were supposed to grow old together, see each other have greys in their hair, and buy a big house so their kids can visit. They were supposed to be happy together until the rest of their lives. Live a long life side by side. They were supposed to go together. Not like this, never like this. Not when they finally found happiness.
Not when Buck is away from him.
His limbs feel heavy, everything is spinning, he needs to sit down, he needs to take a breath but he can't. His body doesn't let him. Buck grasps the edge of the table and doubles over, head dropped between his arms. He doesn't feel good. He shuts his eyes tightly and digs his teeth into his lower lip, hard enough to draw blood. The beating of his heart feels too much against his ribs, it makes him nauseous. He fists the paper in his hand hard and feels his tears wetting his skin as they flood down his face.
Eddie is dead.
His boyfriend is gone.
Buck doesn't know how, but at some point, he manages to slide down and sit on the floor, knees drawn to his chest and arms folded on his kneecaps. He has his cheek pressed against his arm, the wrinkled picture still tightly held in his fist, his red rimmed eyes staring blank at the space before him.
He sits there and thinks about Eddie. His boyfriend's laugh echoing in his ears, the crinkle of his eyes when he smiles appearing in his mind.
He thinks about the first time they met, the first time they kissed, the first time they held hands.
He thinks about Eddie and Eddie only.
At some point, Jane brings him food. He doesn't eat. He doesn't get up. She brings her water, but he doesn't get up.
He thinks about Chris, he needs to be there for him, he needs to leave this place and be with Chris, but he doesn't have any strength left in him to move.
He doesn't know how much time has passed since Eddie's death, since he has been sitting in the exact position staring at the exact same space, but it doesn't matter. He died with Eddie anyway.
It's been three days since Buck got taken, and everything is proceeding too slow for Eddie's liking.
He hasn't been able to get a proper shut eye since Bobby told him what happened three days ago, and every second they fail to make progress, Eddie is getting one step closer to losing his mind. Which doesn't seem that far.
The ones who took Buck have a history with the department, according to what Bobby and the chief told them. The woman and her team were working at LAFD in the past, but in time, some accusations about misuse of authority and stories of corruption came to surface, leading them to face serious investigations, and inevitably getting fired from their jobs.
And now they are getting their revenge by using Buck as a coy to get what they want.
"Anything new?" Eddie asks Bobby for the second time that day. It's their lunch break and they are sitting in Bobby's office, looking through some documents Athena sent them.
Bobby leans his back against his chair and pinches the bridge of his nose. "The chief is still trying to get along with her until the police locate their place. Dancing to her tune."
"And?"
"We are getting close." Bobby nods his head.
Eddie lets out a long breath through his nose, his jaw clenched. "We need to find him." He doesn't care about the rest. They need to get to Buck. He , needs to get to Buck. That's all he cares about.
"We will." Bobby tells him in a tone that somehow manages to ease Eddie's nerves a little. It sounds hopeful and promising. Something he needs. "We are so close."
Eddie runs his hand down his face. He feels so tired. Everything feels so wrong and he wants it to be over.
He stares at the computer screen but he doesn't see anything, not when all he thinks about is Buck. "I hope so." He mumbles. Because that's all he can do.
In the end, they manage to find him.
Eddie gets the call near the evening when he was at home going through the same documents he did this morning in case he missed anything, and the second his phone lights up with Bobby's name on the screen, his heart skips a beat and he springs to his feet as he takes the call in an instant. Bobby says the ones who took Buck agreed to set up a meeting and of course LAFD and LAPD made a plan, thankfully Chris is at a sleepover, he doesn't have to worry about him being alone, so Eddie grabs his coat and keys and storms out the door.
The operation turns out to be a success. With the help of LAFD, the police ambush Jane and her team, and while they are busy with arresting them, Athena gets the keys from Jane and hands them to Eddie.
"Go." She says with a firm voice, her piercing eyes looking straight through Eddie. "We got this handled."
With one last look Eddie gives Athena, a look that carries gratitude but also fear, he runs for his life— for Buck's life, and goes upstairs to find the room Buck is locked in.
It doesn't take him a long time to find the right door but it does take him a little to unlock it. His hands shake as he shuffles through the keys and his heart is beating out of his chest, his body feels on fire with heat and worry.
Because behind that door, Eddie doesn't know what to expect.
What if Buck is hurt? What if he is injured? What if he is unconscious?
What if Buck is dead ?
He clenches his eyes shut briefly and shakes his head to clear those thoughts out of his head, and slides in the last key inside the lock.
With a swift turn, the door clicks.
And as Eddie lets himself in, he finds the person he was yearning for right before his eyes.
Before him, his boyfriend is sitting on the floor with his knees drawn to his chest, arms crossed on his kneecaps and cheek pressed against his arm, staring at the window on his right. Buck doesn't see Eddie, but Eddie sees him, and the sight is all it takes for his worry to be washed away because Buck is alive. He is right there, alive and breathing. With no visible injuries. And now, Eddie is here to keep him safe.
"Buck!" Eddie's feet rushes towards Buck and he crouches down in front of him.
But Buck doesn't react, he doesn't even flinch or lift his head. He keeps staring at the window. So this time, Eddie wraps his fingers around Buck's bicep and squeezes lightly as he tries again. "Buck."
Buck startles and shoots his head up to look at Eddie and god damn it, his beautiful baby blues are now red rimmed and puffy, his face sunken like he hasn't been sleeping for days and Eddie hates every second of it, he hates the way it twists his chest.
Buck's worn down face screws in confusion and he knits his brows, looking at Eddie in complete shock like he doesn't believe what he is seeing. "E-Eddie?"
"Yeah, Buck. It's me." Eddie smiles gently and cups Buck's face, tilting his head to see his boyfriend. "I'm here, you're safe."
But Buck holds his wrist and lowers it down from his face, his broken eyes widening with fresh tears as he starts to shake his head and pulls away. His voice painfully hoarse as he speaks. "N-no, no, you're— you're dead, you're dead."
Eddie's blood runs cold at Buck's words, sending chills down his spine. What the hell is going on? Why does Buck think he is dead? What the hell happened in those three days that made Buck look like this? He doesn't like this. Not one bit.
"Buck, I'm not dead." Eddie holds the hand Buck's has around his wrist. "What are you talking ab—"
"No, no— I'm losing my mind." Buck shakes his head, a tear falling down his face and his eyes keep fixated on Eddie, shattered. "You're dead. You died."
Eddie's lips part open in shock, his eyes filling with worry and the thumping of his heart getting loud against his chest. "Buck, baby—"
"Don't call me that!" Buck shouts at him and yanks his hand back. "You're not him! He's dead!" The rise and fall of his chest gets shallower each second. His breath hitches in his throat and more tears stream down and wet his face as he looks through Eddie. He looks like he is close to hyperventilating if Eddie doesn't stop him. "He's dead. Oh, god, he's— he's gone, what am I gonna do? He's—"
"Buck, I'm not dead!" Eddie tells Buck and holds his hand again, his voice getting thinner as he desperately tries to make Buck believe he isn't dead. "I'm right here."
"No, you're dead!" Buck's voice trembles along with his body, he almost chokes out a sob but it stucks in his throat as he clenches his jaw. His once pale face now slightly flushed and the look on his face so broken . "I saw you dead, they—they told me you were dead!"
Eddie takes Buck's face between his hands, getting closer and staring at him in terror and shaking his jead frantically. "Baby, please , I'm not dead! I'm no—"
"No, they showed me the pictures, and, you were— you were in the bank, too, and—"
"What pictures?!" Eddie almost begs, trying to get something out of Buck so he can understand what the hell is going on, but then he notices the wrinkled paper in Buck's hand, grasped tightly.
He loosens Buck's grasp and gets the crumpled paper in his hand, smoothening it quickly to see what Buck is talking about.
Eddie barely swallows down the bile rising up his throat at the sight.
In the picture, there is a man sprawled on the floor, covered in blood from almost top to toe, his life taken away from him.
A man that looks exceptionally like Eddie.
"Jesus." Eddie murmurs to himself in horrifying shock as he stares at the picture, his eyes blown and mouth gaped open.
The man has the same clothes that Eddie has, same skin tone, same hair style, same everything , and his face looks so much like him and for a brief second, even Eddie himself feels his stomach twisting in knots at the picture. But then, his whole body burns with rage and anger, ready to explode and burn everything around him because this , the man in the picture, that's not him, but Buck doesn't know that.
He doesn't know that because whatever they told him in these past three days broke his boyfriend enough to believe the opposite, and the thought of it alone makes his insides burst.
Eddie tears the paper in half and crumples the pieces again, tossing it far away from them with force. Buck's brows arch in protest but before he can react, Eddie places his hands on both sides of Buck's neck, thumbs resting on his jaw, and pulls himself close, almost feeling his boyfriend's short breaths against his skin. "Buck." Eddie says calmly, but there is a firmness to it, determined to change Buck's mind. He stares straight into Buck's lost eyes. "Evan, you have to listen to me. This isn't me." He shakes his head. "This is not me, baby, that man isn't me, okay? You have to believe me, please ." He takes Buck's hand and puts it on his own chest, right above his racing heart so Buck can feel his heartbeat, know that Eddie is alive. "See? I'm here. I'm right here." Eddie's voice cracks at the last word, his eyes get misty all of a sudden. "I'm not dead. I'm alive."
Buck's breath hitches in his throat and his eyes widen, shaking with unshed tears. "But— but the— the pictures—"
" Not me." Eddie presses, begs for Buck to believe him. "It's someone else."
"You were there!" Buck shouts, his voice wet and trembling. The shallow rise and fall of his chest give him no room to breathe. "You went there! You were at the bank!"
"I didn't! I didn't go!" Eddie protests desperately, his face burning with worry and fear, tears dampening his face as they fall. He lifts his hand up to cup Buck's face. "I didn't go! I texted you to tell you I changed my mind but you didn't answer." He chokes out a short gasp of breath, brows wrinkled. "I'm right here, Buck, you have to believe me."
The words manage to slow Buck down, the appalled look on his face softens and transforms into a confused one. "Y-you didn't go?"
"I didn't, I swear I didn't."
"Y-You're not—" Buck stares around, eyes frantically wandering the room and then falling on Eddie. The realization finally hitting him. "—you're not dead?"
"I'm not, baby." Eddie's lips twist up in a broken smile and caresses Buck's face, sniffling before he speaks. "I'm right here."
Buck's hand on his chest fists the fabric of his shirt, his expression dumbstruck as he looks around and it hurts so much to see him like this, it aches every fiber of Eddie's being. The realization in Buck's eyes grow and grow as he visibly struggles to comprehend Eddie's words, tongue tied and baffled, brows knitted; when it finally hits, Buck's eyes fix on Eddie, grasping Eddie's chest harder, and his face slowly screws as he chokes out a loud, gut-wrenching sob. " Eddie. "
And just like that, Buck falls apart.
Buck crashes into Eddie and wraps his arms around him tightly, one hand clenching the back of his shirt like a lifeline and the other on the nape of Eddie's back, fingers buried into his short hair and Eddie lets him, he lets Buck hold onto him as he yanks Buck close and envelopes him in his arms, placing his hand on the back of Buck's head and keeping him steady where his boyfriend's temple pressed to his. Eddie buries his nose into the crook of Buck's neck and closes his eyes, fingers digging hard into Buck's shirt and feeling the warmth of his skin despite the clothes.
"I'm here. I'm right here." Eddie whispers, his tears wetting Buck's collar.
Buck only lets out another sob, his wails echoing in the empty room, his whole body trembling. "I thought I lost you." He barely manages to say between his hiccups and holds onto Eddie tighter.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Eddie apologizes, not knowing what for. For everything. For not finding him sooner, for letting them make him believe Eddie is dead, for leaving him alone with his suffering. A muffled mewl leaves his throat, not being able to hold it in any longer. He plants a kiss on the crook of Buck's neck. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Buck's cries get silent from how hard he is crying, eyes clenched shut and mouth twisted down, veins on his throat close to tear open, leaving him breathless until he chokes out a gasp of air and lets out another painful weep. "I thought you were dead!"
Eddie hides his face in Buck's shoulder, trying to pull Buck even closer, fingers in Buck's hair tugging at the strands, voice unsteady and muffled. "I'm right here, I swear. I'm right here."
Buck cries and cries and cries, clenching Eddie tight enough to crush his bones but Eddie couldn't care less, he lets Buck hold onto him as he sobs his heart out. In return, Eddie holds onto Buck as his own tears dampen his boyfriend's shirt, murmuring never ending apologies, he holds onto Buck as if his arms are the only thing that keeps him together, fearing to death that Buck will shatter if he lets go. So he doesn't let go.
They stay like that until both of their cries die down, which takes a while, they keep holding onto each other even after they stop crying, Eddie breathing in Buck's scent and Buck grasping Eddie so tight, his red rimmed eyes staring ahead almost blankly above Eddie's shoulder.
They stay in the same position until Eddie realizes they are still in that room and it's time to go home. "Come on." He mumbles against Buck's shoulder. "Let's get out of here."
Buck gives him a tiny nod, and Eddie slowly disentangles himself from his boyfriend. His knees and legs crack and ache from the uncomfortable position they were in but he doesn't give a shit, none of it matters.
He gets on his feet and offers his hand to Buck as Buck stands up, Buck accepting the offer and squeezing Eddie's hand tightly as he does.
But after one step towards the door, Buck's knees almost buckle and his eyes roll back, slumping against Eddie's side.
Eddie immediately wraps his arm around Buck's waist and steadies him, fear surrounding his senses. "Whoa, whoa! You okay?" He asks worriedly. Does Buck have an injury he missed? Did he overlook anything? Is Buck hurt anywhere he can't see?
Buck nods and blinks his eyes tightly to gather himself together, straightening up in Eddie's hold. "I'm good." He croaks out, letting out a short breath. "Just felt dizzy."
"Okay." Eddie replies gently, still keeping his eyes on Buck just in case, not letting himself relax.
Which turns out to be the right thing to do because after only a few steps, Buck's legs give out and they hit the ground, Buck going completely pliant under Eddie's arm as Eddie tightens his hold and lowers both of them on the ground.
"Buck, hey, hey!" Buck's head lolls against Eddie's chest as Eddie taps his cheek. He shoots his head towards the door and shouts for help. "Bobby!"
Buck slowly cracks his eyes open in the ambulance but Eddie doesn't let him sit up, he combs Buck's curls and massages his tense muscles, and Buck drifts off once again.
The nurses tell Eddie there's nothing physically wrong with Buck, just any other human being's way of giving out after days of extreme emotional distress and exhaustion— which sounds pretty natural considering he was thinking Eddie was dead until only a few hours ago, and Eddie doesn't know if he should laugh or cry at how fucked up that sounds. Probably cry, but he doesn't have the energy right now.
He never leaves Buck's side, not daring to move a muscle in case Buck wakes up and can't see Eddie, he sits on the chair next to Buck's bed and watches the way his tired face looks distraught even in his sleep— if he can call this sleeping; he watches the unsteady rise and fall of Buck's chest, trying to put himself at ease by telling himself that they're both safe.
When Buck wakes up, his eyes get misty at the sight of Eddie, tears threatening to fall and Eddie brushes his lips against Buck's, kissing him slowly and softly; he strokes Buck's face and rests his forehead on Buck's, and reminds him that he's alive.
They leave the hospital and pick Chris up from his sleepover because Chris insists on seeing Buck, it hits Eddie then that he wasn't the only one to spend his days without Buck and the feeling twists his stomach in some way. He watches Buck kneel and hug Chris from afar and nails the sight onto his mind.
It's only after midnight when Eddie gets to be alone with Buck in the bedroom, in their comfortable clothes, Eddie lets Buck hold him as he uses Buck's chest as a pillow, covering his boyfriend's body with his own, his chest pressed to Buck's and ear resting above Buck's heart while Buck lies on the mattress with his back resting against the pillows. Buck has his arms loosely folded around Eddie, nose buried into his hair and fingers tracing the nape of Eddie's neck. It soothes him, tries to pull him to sleep but Eddie resists it, he wants to feel the grounding weight of Buck's arms around him. He was craving it for three days, everyday feeling like a lifetime, and now he wants to savor every second of it. He wants Buck to hold him close as much as he needs. He feels bone deep exhausted, mentally more so than physically, yet he can't bring himself to imagine how wiped Buck must be feeling right now. Eddie wasn't the one to go through literal mental torture after all. He wasn't the one to go through his days thinking half his soul is dead.
They stay silent for a while until Buck's low voice fills the room.
"I missed you so much." Buck closes his eyes and whispers into Eddie's hair.
Eddie intertwines his fingers with Buck's and brings his hand closer to his chest, kissing the back of his hand. "I missed you, too."
He knows Buck's words carry a different meaning, he wishes they weren't, but they do, and it ruins him all over again.
No matter how hard he tries to stay awake, Eddie's vision gets dark as his eyes betray him and droop, the last thing he feels being Buck's arms around him holding him close. It gives him hope and Eddie drifts off thinking everything will be okay.
But the universe proves him otherwise.
Soft hands around his back squeeze Eddie's shoulder blade lightly and pull him away from his sleep, causing him to slowly slit his eyes open. Eddie blinks the blurriness in his vision and realizes it's morning, and he's still in Buck's arms, Buck's fingers tracing along his shoulder soothingly.
"Good morning." Buck nuzzles his nose into Eddie's hair and plants a tiny kiss.
Eddie smiles softly, feeling the steady rise and fall of Buck's ribs under him, and slides his hand down to Buck's side. "Morning."
Bobby gave them a few days off to rest and recover, that means they don't have anything to do today, it's the weekend and Chris doesn't have school, either, so Eddie is willing to make the day count with his family as much as he can.
His mind already starts running with possible plans to do today until he lifts his head up to face Buck and when he does, his mind stops.
Eddie has to bite the insides of his cheeks to prevent his face from falling even though the sadness in his eyes give him away, because when he lifts his head, he sees Buck with his pale face and bloodshot eyes, corners of his eyes faintly red and forehead wrinkled.
His boyfriend looks like he hasn't slept. At all.
Buck is looking at Eddie with the softest but most fragile expression despite his exhaustion, like Eddie will disappear if Buck dares to blink, and within seconds, every last piece of peaceful feeling in Eddie's chest fade and leave their place to something piercing and heavy.
Eddie purses his lips and lifts his hand to cup Buck's face, thumb brushing over his skin back and forth. "Did you get any sleep?" He asks quietly but fails to hide the worry in his voice.
Buck wraps his fingers around Eddie's wrist and kisses his palm. "I didn't feel sleepy." He answers with a shrug and smiles. "Come on, I'm starving."
Eddie can only stare at Buck with a hesitant look, and before he can even react, Chris knocks on their half open door with a smile and leaves them no choice but to get up for breakfast.
They have 2 days to themselves until their shift starts and life goes back to normal, and Eddie figures he can convince Buck to get some sleep somehow— maybe it was only a one time thing and Buck ends up sleeping anyway, so he puts his thoughts aside and brings himself to start his day.
He has never been so wrong.
Throughout the weekend, Buck doesn't sleep. He doesn't take a nap, he certainly doesn't sleep at nights, he just watches Eddie's every move like a hawk without trying to be obvious and making Eddie uncomfortable. Eddie catches up on that, and the reason just suffocates him more and more, but more importantly, he can't do anything to stop it.
Until the end of the weekend, Buck ends up looking worse. His baby blues get glassy and bloodshot, dark circles painting his under eyes, his naturally pale skin becomes ghost white, and his posture slouches down when he walks, his movements getting slow.
The night before their shift, they get in the bed and lay on the mattress facing each other, and by the time Eddie loses the fight against sleep, Buck is still in the same position, staring at Eddie silently.
When Eddie wakes up early in the morning before his alarm the next day, he opens his eyes to find Buck just as how he left him, body turned to him and resting against his fluffed pillow in almost half sitting position, watching Eddie with his half open eyes. Eddie's own eyes ache just by looking at his boyfriend, Buck looks like he's forcing them to stay open, like his eyelids are sand and weigh a ton, it doesn't take long for Eddie to understand that once again, Buck stayed up all night and kept his eyes on Eddie.
Eddie scoots closer to Buck and runs his fingers along Buck's hairline, scraping his short strands back his ear and down to the nape of his neck, something stinging his heart when Buck's face softens and his eyes almost flutter close. "You can sleep, you know." He whispers. "I'm not going anywhere."
Buck smiles half heartedly, a fake smile that doesn't spark his baby blues. "I know."
"Buck—"
His annoying alarm cuts him off, and Buck props himself up on his elbow and stretches his arm over Eddie to turn it off.
"Come on." Buck says, pushing himself out of the bed. "We should get ready for work."
Eddie runs his hand down his face as he lets out a sigh and stares at the ceiling. He stumbles out the bed with his mind racing in the background to find a way to put an end to this.
Turns out he doesn't need to beat himself up because Bobby gives Eddie a helping hand.
Through the whole shift, Buck follows Eddie with his eyes like a lost puppy. He barely leaves Eddie's side during the calls unless Bobby assigns them seperate orders— which he doesn't, he never sits in a place where he can't see Eddie clearly, he just never leaves Eddie out of his sight.
There are only a few hours left for their shift to end and the 118 is settled around the dining table, Chim reading something on his phone while Hen drinks her coffee and stares at Buck with her squinted eyes, occasionally throwing questioning glances at Eddie, who has Buck sitting right next to him, their knees brushing against one another.
"You okay, Buck?" Hen finally asks Buck, keeping her tone friendly.
Buck arches his brow with a confused look. "Yeah, why?"
"I don't know." Hen shrugs. "You look a little tired."
Hen is right, if anything, she is actually downplaying it because Buck looks straight out of the grave. A dead man would look alive next to him.
"I'm good." Buck answers and nods, he smiles at Hen and takes a sip of his coffee.
Their conversation dies down until both Eddie's and Buck's head shoots up at Bobby's voice.
"Eddie." Bobby stops on his feet and gestures to his room. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
Buck straightens up in his chair and glances first at Bobby then at Eddie, his shoulders tensing up and jaw clenching even though he is trying to hide it.
He can't hide it from Eddie, though.
"Sure, Cap." Eddie nods, and feels Buck's hand on his thigh. He already feels bad when he turns his head to see Buck looking at him hesitantly, his eyes fragile.
"Where are you going?" Buck whispers so no one else can hear.
Eddie puts his hand on Buck's and squeezes. "I'll be right back, I promise."
After Buck gives him a tiny, reluctant nod, Eddie follows Bobby to his room.
"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Bobby asks in his calm tone, leaning his hips against the desk and bringing his hands together on his lap.
Eddie crosses his arms, his tone matching Bobby's but more guarded. "Like what?"
Bobby lifts his brows, seeing through Eddie, a visible concern overtaking his face. "How are things at home?" He asks but Eddie knows what Bobby means.
It's the feeling of being understood and seen that unravels his guard. Eddie feels the weight on his chest slightly lifting, like he has finally found someone to unburden his struggles. Someone who also cares about Buck in a totally different but one of the best ways. His eyes meet Bobby's for a brief second, and the look on Bobby's face encourages Eddie to pour everything out.
Eddie lets out a long sigh and drops his head, bringing his fingers to pinch the bridge of his nose. "It's…" He places his hands on his hips and shakes his head. "He isn't doing okay."
Bobby's concern deepens. "Nightmares?"
"God, I wish." Eddie chokes out a hollow snort and lifts his head to look at Bobby. He wishes it was the nightmares because that would mean Buck is at least getting some sleep. "He's not sleeping."
"Why?"
"You know why." Eddie blurts out, feeling the frustration kicking in as he remembers what happened only a few days ago. He digs his teeth into his lower lip and looks away. Everything he's tried to keep under control finally breaks the surface. "I'm scared, Bobby. I don't know how much longer he can keep doing this."
"He needs you." Bobby says, and although Eddie is painfully aware of that, hearing someone else say it makes a different impact on him. It shakes him by the shoulder and brings him to his senses. "You two are off tomorrow. I want him rested by the time he comes back, both of you."
"Okay." Eddie nods.
Before Bobby leaves, he puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder and gives him a grounding squeeze. "It's gonna be okay."
The words ease Eddie, a faint smile curves his lips. "Thanks, Bobby."
After their shift ends, they drive home and have dinner with Chris before Hen picks him up for a sleepover at their home— something Eddie requested specifically just in case, he doesn't want to risk Buck waking up alone just when Eddie leaves the house to drop Chris off to school; they take a shower together and spend some time watching a movie on the couch side by side until Eddie checks his watch and sees it's a reasonable hour to go to bed.
"Time for bed?" Eddie asks Buck and strokes his thigh lightly.
Buck gives him a warm smile and nods. "Yeah, okay."
Eddie switches the lights off and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, Buck follows him and does the same routine, when everything is finished, they make their way towards their bedroom and Eddie climbs under the covers.
On a normal day, he would lay on his back or his side, but today, Eddie fluffs up his pillow and rests his back against it, earning a confused look from Buck as he slides under the blankets as well.
"I thought you wanted to sleep?" Buck asks him, propping himself up in a half sitting position.
Eddie nods. "I do. Come here." He wraps his fingers around Buck's sleeve and pulls him into his chest.
Buck's face falls in a frown as he lets Eddie pull him close, but his voice comes out hesitant. "What are you doing?"
"I'm not sleeping until you do." Eddie replies in a gentle but firm tone. He won't sleep until he makes sure Buck's eyes are closed and his breaths are evened out.
Buck pulls himself away and sits on the bed, his hair ruffled and pale face baffled, knitting his brows. "Uh— wh-what?"
"Buck." Eddie straightens himself up a little and looks at his boyfriend. He almost gives up when he sees Buck looking at him with such fragile eyes that twist his heart but takes in a deep breath to collect himself. "Do you really think I haven't noticed? You look dead on your feet."
"Eds, no." Buck shakes his head, letting out a nervous chuckle. "I'm fine."
"No." Eddie refuses to accept Buck's lie, he scoots closer and holds Buck's arm, tugging at him once again. "I'm not gonna let you keep doing this."
"No, no, no, Eddie, stop." Buck struggles under his hold and lets himself loose, his eyes already shining with fresh tears. "I'm— I'm good, I swear." He shakes his head, the rise and fall of his chest gets fast.
"Baby." Eddie softens his voice and cups Buck's face, then slides his hand up to brush his curls. "You're not good, you know that."
"No." Buck's quiet voice trembles as he speaks, wrapping his fingers around Eddie's wrist and lowering it down. He shakes his head frantically but Eddie doesn't let him get away, he gets the upper hand and tightens his hold around Buck, pulling him close again. "Eddie, please ."
Buck's broken pleas make him feel horrible, Eddie hates himself for being the reason for them, he swallows down the lump in his throat and ignores the burning feeling on his face as he wraps his arms around Buck and places his hand on the back of his boyfriend's head, drawing him closer to his chest.
"Shh, it's okay." Eddie pulls the covers on top of their intertwined bodies, and tightens his hold. "Close your eyes."
Buck tries to get away but it's a weak attempt, he just struggles until he realizes Eddie won't let him. His breath hitches in his throat as he lets out a whimper and grasps the fabric of Eddie's shirt, the tip of his fingers almost digging Eddie's shoulder. "Please don't make me go to sleep." He begs and Eddie's heart shatters into millions of pieces.
"It's okay, Buck." Eddie rubs soothing circles on Buck's back. "You can sleep."
Buck slides his arm under Eddie's neck and clings onto him, hand clenching Eddie's shoulder blade, and his face screws as he breaks into sobs, a gut-wrenching cry tearing his throat. "You won't be here when I wake up."
"I will." Eddie says, the lump on his throat gets heavier no matter how much he tries to ignore it, and he feels his eyes burn as tears start to form. "I swear I will." He plants a kiss on top of Buck's head and his hand finds its place on Buck's head, keeping him near. "Close your eyes."
"No." Buck whispers and shakes his head as he chokes out another muffled sob, pressing his face into Eddie's collarbone deeper to hide himself, his shoulders trembling with each agonizing cry and his tears dampening Eddie's shirt.
"Shh." Eddie shushes him quietly, his insides breaking apart at his boyfriend's desperate attempts to make himself small. He cradles Buck in his arms tighter and moves his hand to comb Buck's curls, assuring comfort and safety. He lowers his hand down to Buck's face, slightly turning Buck's face to see him and lightly strokes his eyebrows, the gentle movement leaving Buck's eyes no choice but to flutter close, and Eddie starts rocking him slowly, his own body slightly rocking along with Buck. "Shh, it's okay."
Buck utters out a whimper when his eyes betray him and close despite his resistance, his face twisting more, his sobs get more desperate and his flooding tears wet his flushed skin.
Eddie kisses the top of his head as the hand on his head slides down to Buck's back, and he keeps patting his boyfriend's back to calm him down; his lingering fingers lightly trace over Buck's brows and eyelids until his face relaxes as Eddie shushes Buck and whispers soft words. "It's okay, baby, go to sleep."
He holds Buck in his arms and rocks him to sleep, scraping his fingers along Buck's brow to his hairline, he nuzzles his nose into Buck's curls and breathes him in. It takes a while, but eventually Buck loses his fight and his grasp on Eddie's shirt loosens, his tense form relaxes under Eddie's arms, and his breaths slowly even out.
Only then, Eddie allows himself to let out a shaky breath, turmoil of emotions of the past few days striking him like a lightning, he drops his head on the pillow and closes his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart and forcefully bringing himself to sleep knowing Buck is safe in his arms.
At some point during the night, Eddie snaps his eyes open when he feels Buck's breath against his neck getting sharp and shallow, and his face screwing, his hand resting on Eddie's shoulder fisting his shirt.
When Eddie realizes Buck is close to having a nightmare, he slides his one hand under his boyfriend's hoodie and rests it over his undershirt, pressing his body close and stroking his thumb back and forth. "You're okay." He buries his nose into Buck's hair and whispers, planting a light kiss. "I'm here."
In a matter of seconds, Buck's face relaxes and his grasp loosens, the rise and fall of his chest slowly returning to normal.
He goes back to sleep after making sure Buck is sleeping soundly.
When his and Buck's alarm go off in the morning, Eddie immediately turns them off, he lets out a sigh of relief when he sees Buck not moving a muscle, and slides next to his boyfriend to get some more sleep.
Buck wakes up around noon, and Eddie watches it happen.
He wakes up before Buck and carefully disentangles himself so Buck can lay comfortably, then rests his head on his hand to watch the way his boyfriend's slack face rests on the pillow and his beautiful curls stick around everywhere, his chest rising and falling steadily. It helps Eddie feel calm and hopeful, it makes him breathe easy.
After a while, Buck presses his nose into the pillow and slowly cracks his eyes open, the glassy veil over his baby blues slowly fading as he blinks. He still looks tired, but he also looks so young and soft and beautiful, Eddie finds himself smiling, his emotions swirling wildly.
Eddie hoovers over Buck and drapes his one arm over his torso, leaning in to plant a kiss on Buck's forehead, then another kiss on his temple. "Good morning." His hand strokes Buck's shoulder blade with a light squeeze and Eddie lowers his lips down to place another kiss on Buck's jaw, down to the hollow of his throat, breathing his warm, sleep-ridden scent in.
He pulls away a little and his smile widens despite the ache in his heart when Buck looks at him in awe. Eddie brings his hand to caress Buck's face. "Good morning." He says again.
Buck smiles at him sheepishly, shiny eyes still fixed on Eddie, and he blinks slowly. His voice sounds rough with sleep, but soft when he speaks. "You're here."
"Of course I am." Eddie leans in for another kiss on top of Buck's head, he closes his eyes and takes his time. "I promised you I will."
Buck gives him a nod, tears dwelling in his eyes, he sniffles as a happy tear rolls down his face. "You did."
"Do you believe me now?" Eddie asks softly and brushes Buck's curls. His heart skips a beat as he waits for Buck's answer.
Buck takes his hand and pulls Eddie towards himself, nestling closer. He locks his fingers with Eddie's and looks at him, the spark in his eyes slowly coming back. "I do."
For the first time in days, Eddie believes things will be okay.