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Dimitri nodded when Alberta all but gave him permission to escort Rose back, which was good because he didn’t think he’d be able to stop worrying otherwise. He didn’t trust anyone else to make sure she got back safely, not after all he went through in order to be there in the first place. It would’ve taken an order to stop him from going with her, and even then it was a toss up. He had already broken the rules once tonight, what was one more?
He realized when they arrived at his bike there was only one helmet. Without question, he held it out to her. She didn’t react, still processing and in shock, standing half exhausted on shaking legs. She handled herself well when Alberta and the others arrived, but she was slowly cracking now that it was just her and Dimitri. It was as though the tape was coming off and water was spilling through the cracks.
He smoothed back her hair, gently brushing the side of her face as he placed the helmet on. It was only then she looked up in his direction, glassy and sullen eyes. He snapped the clip and instructed her how to sit.
Once on the bike, he didn’t have to tell her to put her arms around him. They coiled around his stomach, reflexively. Like she was trying to curl inwards and make herself as small as possible. Like maybe if she held on to him tight enough, it would keep herself from collapsing.
The ride home was filled with a melancholic cloud looming above. On the one hand, he was relieved beyond words that she was alive, but he knew that what she went through tonight would change her forever. He hadn’t even begun to process his own emotions and thoughts, too consumed with tending to Rose.
She looked more like herself when she handed Dimitri back his helmet, even gracing him with a small smile. It felt forced, but it was a start. She nodded to him in thanks, which he reciprocated.
She started walking towards the novice barracks, only slightly surprised when Dimitri followed in step behind her. Probably just wanting to make sure she didn’t do anything rash. He was her mentor after all.
They were silent the whole way there, until they were standing out front of the building.
“I didn’t know,” he blurted out. When she turned around to face him, he clarified, “about the live fire. It never should’ve come to that. I didn’t know you’d be in any actual danger. Any of you.” He added after a beat.
“I know that.” The fervor in her voice made his heart burst, tiny explosions of love and tension rolling off his shoulders. “Why did Alberta send you to come get us alone?”
Just like that, his shoulders stiffened and his guardian mask dropped back down into place. He even looked slightly remorseful, or embarrassed. Rose couldn’t decipher.
She got the message, loud and clear, though when he didn’t say anything. Just clenched his jaw and swallowed down his words, heavy like stone. “She didn’t send you at all.”
She already knew the answer, and she knew the answer to the unspoken question, lingering amongst them, about why he did it. She wasn’t going to press her luck by asking. She didn’t have the energy to process that information today, anyway.
“I’m sorry if it gets you into any trouble.” She cast her eyes downwards. It was shitty what happened, but still she didn’t want him to have to suffer the consequences of doing the right thing. It wasn’t his fault after all.
“I’m not,” came his instant response. He cleared his throat, “try to get some sleep, Roza.”
She laughed, no humor hiding behind it, looking anywhere but directly at his face. She didn’t want him to see, sure that he would know instantly what she was thinking and feeling. “I don’t think I could sleep if I tried, but thanks, Comrade.”
When she turned to leave, she was surprised once again when he grabbed her hand gently. She was expecting to come face to face with him, but instead he started pulling her in another direction. Her feet didn’t even hesitant knowing her heart would follow him wherever he went.
He didn’t even have time to think about what he was doing. Or be nervous when they ended up in his room, his hand on her lower back as he guided her through the door. All he could think about was the look on her face, the way she sobbed, and the feelings brewing that he knew all too well. There was no way she was going to be able to be alone right now. Granted he knew there would be other novices she probably could’ve found comfort in, but they wouldn’t have been him.
Rose looked around the room, it was almost exactly what she imagined it would look like. It was tidy, organized, apart from the few books scattered about. This just wasn’t how she imagined her first time in his room would be. When she finally turned to face him, she must’ve had a confused looked etched across her face because he spoke up.
“You shouldn’t be alone right now. Just lay here and try to get some sleep.”
“What about you? Don’t you need sleep?”
He shook his head, nodding towards the desk with a book laying open on it. “I have some more reading to do.” At her hesitancy, he pressed, “just close your eyes for a few hours and I’ll wake you when I’m ready to sleep.”
That was a lie. They both knew he would’ve sooner slept sitting upright in a chair than wake her.
She looked over at his bed, exhaustion setting in but she couldn’t let herself. She inhaled deeply, breath coming out in jagged shudders. “I’m afraid of what I’ll see when I close my eyes.”
Dimitri knew that feeling, and it’s the last thing he wanted for her. That’s the reason he did what he did next. She stiffened when he pulled her into his arms, but he couldn’t pretend any longer.
The adrenaline had worn off and all that was left was terror. Slowly, Rose sunk into the embrace and wound her arms around him.
“I thought,” he cleared his throat, grip tightening. “I thought you were dead. When I saw you there, so still. I didn’t know what to do.”
That’s all it took for Rose to let go, all silent tears and shaking muscles. He held her, muttering calming words to her in Russian. She could feel the slightest pressure on the top of her head as Dimitri laid a kiss there. After a few moments, silence blanketed them and they pulled apart.
Rose sighed and resigned, carefully laying down on top of his bed. It smelled like peace, and it wasn’t long until she felt herself relaxing. The last thing she saw was Dimitri watching her out of the corner of his eyes, then there was only darkness.