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As the sun plummets behind the milky purple sky, Rei finds herself on the balcony of Chu2’s penthouse, leaning against the guardrail as she silently recounts her day alone. The rest of RAS resides inside the apartment, celebrating their latest success of a live show. There’s a hopeful side of her that says that Rei should be in there with the rest of them, but Rei feels, no, knows she doesn’t deserve it. The vocalist sighs, turning back away from the penthouse and gazing out towards the stars. She rests her chin in her hand.
She can’t exactly articulate why she’s feeling this way. It’s not like she made any glaring mistakes during their performance. Chu2 had nothing but good things to say about Rei’s role in the show. Still, Rei can’t help but feel dissatisfied, somehow.
It’s frustrating. No matter what Rei does, she can't help but feel dissatisfied everywhere she goes. Dissatisfied, disconnected, and dissociated. Like she’s viewing herself from the outside in.
Rei lets out another sigh. She knows that RAS’ LAYER shouldn’t be feeling like this, but she is not RAS’ LAYER right now. She is Rei Wakana, an empty shell of a person, unlike the cool and confident LAYER the RAS fanbase holds so dear. And as Rei Wakana, she doesn’t deserve to partake in celebrations of LAYER’s accomplishments.
Rei loves being a part of RAS with every fiber of her being. In a sense, RAS completes her in a way none of her other fellow musicians have. However, once she takes a step off the stage, she always feels so blurry. Almost as if the girl atop that stage is a completely separate person from herself. A cold, intense, and carefree representation of the person Rei continuously fails to be.
Rei’s vision blurs as hot tears well up in her eyes. She wipes them away gently.
“Hey.”
Startled, Rei flinches, before turning to face the blonde appearing behind her. How long has she been standing there for?
“Masuki,” Rei responds, her eyes still wide with surprise.
Masuki moves to lean against the railing beside Rei. Anxiously, Rei takes a deep breath.
“You’ve been out here for a while,” Masuki says. Her voice is casual and calm, yet Rei can sense concern within her tone. “You’re missin’ all the good stuff. I just beat the shit outta CHU2 in Mario Kart.”
Rei chuckles in response. Not because she finds Masuki’s words humorous; it’s one of those awkward, uncomfortable laughs. Masuki slumps down a little, resting her arms on top of the railing.
“You’re thinkin’ about something, ain’t ya?”
Rei simply blinks, wrapping her fingers around the railing. “Maybe,” she says, glancing up at the sky.
Masuki snorts. “C'mon, you’ve gotta give me more than that.” A beat passes. Then two. “We’re all worried about ya, you know.”
Rei sighs. She tilts her head to the side, staring at Masuki blankly. She doesn’t not want to tell Masuki what’s bothering her, but she doesn’t really want to explain it either. How could she explain something she couldn’t quite grasp around herself?
“Rei,” Masuki whispers. Slowly, she blinks, frowning at the vocalist. “If there’s any way I can help-”
“It’s stupid,” Rei finally responds, resting her chin in her arms. “You shouldn’t have to worry about it.”
Masuki looks Rei right in the eyes. “But I wanna worry about it,” she says, and Rei can feel her chest tighten, slightly. “I wanna be able to worry about ya. You’re my… friend.”
For a moment, Rei gazes at the drummer with a blank expression, quickly replaced with the most artificial of smiles. “I guess you’re right. I just…” Rei sighs. All of a sudden, her throat feels tight. Come on, think Rei, think! “Do you ever feel like… you aren’t, well, you?” Her voice trembles as she speaks, and internally, she recoils from the stupidity of her words.
Masuki stares at Rei for a moment, perplexed. Eventually, she shrugs. “I guess… maybe sometimes? Like when I say somethin’ really stupid to someone.” Masuki stretches her arms over the railing, before glancing back at the vocalist. “What do ya mean?”
Rei hums. She's tossed and turned over these feelings for months, maybe even years. Why is it so difficult to put it all into words now? She swallows back down the tears that are threatening to spill. “I guess… I feel like I’m not myself. Like I’m viewing myself as another person would, and things just… happen to me.”
Masuki looks confused, yet she nods at the vocalist in understanding. “Kinda like you’re dreaming?”
Rei nods. “Everything sort of blurs together, and I just feel like… like… this body doesn’t belong to me, you know?”
Rei hiccups a sob, resting her head on the railing. She’s never considered herself a very emotional person; the incident with CHU2’s mother was the first time she had cried in who knows how long. But right now, everything feels so wrong, as if the Earth was to orbit in the opposite direction. Rei feels a hand on her back, rubbing in gentle circles.
“Hey…” Masuki murmurs, leaning towards the vocalist. A soft silence fills the cold air surrounding them as hot tears spill down Rei’s face. She feels broken, as if someone had gone in and smashed her brain to pieces.
“I’m sorry,” Rei mumbles into the guardrail. “This is stupid.”
“There’s no need to apologize, dude,” Masuki replies, pulling her hand away. “I’m not gonna pretend like I know what’s goin’ on in your pretty little head. But…” she pauses, likely searching for her words, “I wanna help you. In any way I can. And I bet the rest of ‘em would say the same.”
Rei sniffles, pulling her head up. “Are you sure?”
Masuki nods. “Of fucking course.”
A beat of quiet drifts between them, sounds of the city filling the air. Rei swears she can hear the wind blowing through the trees.
Finally, Masuki speaks once again, almost as if she was working up the courage to say what she wanted to say. “Do you… want a hug?”
Slowly, Rei nods. She leans against the drummer, wrapping her arms around her and resting her head on her shoulders.
“Thank you,” Rei murmurs. She pokes her head up, and with blurry, tear-stained eyes, she glances up at the sky. Through the haze, she sees two bright stars glistening in the moonlight.