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Jun loved how he felt like he belonged with SA1NT.
He loved the members.
Jun just didn’t love them.
He loved being there for them, loved seeing his designs sit prettily in their skin, loved being with them. Jun loved when they all fell asleep on the couch with the TV droning into static, loved how they all seemed to know exactly what was needed at any given time.
He just hated how he felt out of place, sometimes. They were all eager to reassure him that he wasn’t— that he fit with all of them, and Jun believed them. Still, the little inchworm of anxiety gnawed at his very soul. Jun wanted to be certain— more certain that he and Jaewon were done.
Now, Jaewon was standing in front of him, asking for an appointment at his tattoo parlour. Jun bit the inside of his cheek, letting go when he tasted blood.
“Ahn Jaewon.” He mused. “I have a spot for you now if you’d like to do a consultation.”
“That’d be great.”
The two of them spoke crisply, professionally, like strangers.
Jun led Jaewon to a chair and pulled up his sketch pad.
“What sort of design are you looking into?” He thumbed past numbers of flowers and planters that he had once imagined he’d show to Jaewon.
“A tiger. My forearm spiralled into a full sleeve. Peonies and lots of colours.” There was something hard under Jaewon’s voice, layered in a way that scared Jun. He’d never seen Jaewon this upset before.
“Alright.” Jun smiled brightly. “Are you sure you wouldn’t want a lipstick mark on one of the flowers?”
He regretted the words as soon as he had said them— regretted the fact he’d ever wanted to say them. However, Jun wanted to hurt Jaewon and get him back for the three years of aching pain he’d been subjected to. He was filled with disgust. What was he? A preschooler?
Hurt flickered over Jaewon’s features, but his face was quickly schooled into place. “I’m fine, thank you. Can I book that appointment?”
“Sure.” Jun held out a waiver. “It’ll be in a week.”
Jaewon nodded, looking over the form.
“Are you sure there isn’t another artist you’d want instead?” Jun asked, trying to get something out of the other male. He desperately wanted to reconnect and run away. Jaewon had been his best friend. (He had SA1NT now. They were more than friends. They were family.)
“Believe me,” Jaewon glared at him. “I’d want nothing more. However, I trust you.”
Jun couldn’t help but shiver from the ice in Jaewon’s voice and gaze.
“I’ll see you in a week.”
Jaewon left the parlour after shooting Jun a slightly withering glance. Jun watched the door close, and nearly crumpled to the floor of his studio. Why couldn’t he handle being around Jaewon? Why did he have to make the lipstick comment?
Why had Jaewon’s chosen tattoo been nearly identical to the one he’d made for the boy, three years ago?
Jun’s phone rang and he answered it without glancing at the caller ID.
“Jun?”
Minsung’s voice was enough to break him. Every pent-up emotion burst forth in a torrent of anger, fear, disappointment, regret, and disgust.
“Hyung.”
“Jun I needed to ask if— are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” He said hoarsely. “What did you need to ask?”
“If you wanted tofu for dinner— no, you’re not okay. What happened?”
“He just booked an appointment.”
Minsung paused. “How does he know where you work?”
“I don’t know. I was stupid and I made a stupid comment and I’m feeling sick.”
“Breathe.”
“What? I— Of— Of course I’m breathing. Minsung, don’t be stupid I need to breathe to be alive.”
He could practically feel Minsung’s eye roll through the phone. It didn’t make sense— everything was spiralling and he was shutting down.
“Slow your breaths down. You’re hyperventilating.”
Jun suddenly became acutely aware of his heaving chest. He coughed, sputtered a bit, and straightened.
“Deep breath in, 1, 2, 3. Exhale, 3, 2, 1.” Minsung’s voice was suddenly very low. “I’m on my way.”
“Why?”
“Cause family is there for each other.”
Jun hung up the phone and wept bitterly until Minsung came to fetch him. He was a mess, sweat and tears matting his hair, combined with stress and desperation.
—————————
“I don’t know if I can do the tattoo,” Jun mumbled to Minsung. He was sitting in the back room, sipping at a small cup of water. “I can’t cancel it because money and I don’t have a lot of clients, but I can’t do it right now. Every time I’m around him, I want to hurt him.”
“Why?”
“He hurt me. And I can’t help but feel that it’d make me feel better.”
Minsung clicked his tongue. “We both know that’d do nothing.”
“But it feels like it should.”
Minsung walked over to sit next to Jun and wrap him in a protective hug. “You could cancel doing the tattoo.”
“I told you why I can’t, Sung.”
“But you reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.”
“It’s Jaewon. I still care for him and need him and want him in my life.”
“Maybe do the tattoo and get closure, then.”
“His appointment is in a week. It’ll be over in a week.” Jun’s voice was hollow.
“Just a week, Jun.” Minsung carded his fingers through Jun’s hair. “You’ll be free in just a week.”
“Can we go home, please?” Jun set his cup on the table and began flipping light switches. “I don’t want to be here right now.”
Minsung drove him to his apartment and Jun stopped, looking at the empty and unforgiving walls. He hesitated before looking back at Minsung.
“Can I go home with you?”
“Anytime.”
—————————
Taeseok had Jun glued to the couch from the moment he entered the apartment. They were watching some cheesy TV show, but Jun wasn’t paying attention. He was so tired, down to his bones and everything felt right. Kyunghun was scribbling away in a notebook, Hyunjin was blasting an alien, Youngjoon was watching Taeseok watch his show, and Minsung was right beside him on the couch.
This was home.
This was love.
This is what Jun wanted.
Every time he nearly drifted off, Jaewon’s face would float into his mind and startle him back awake. Jaewon had once been family, home, and love. Jaewon had once been Jun’s best friend. Jaewon had once been a safe place.
It was almost as if Jaewon had ruined him for any other relationship. Everything about SA1NT and Minsung felt achingly real, but they could all be hiding something. They could be stringing him along. Jun hated that feeling os much. He wanted to love and trust them, but it felt like he couldn’t.
The week passed in a blur (Jun never went back to his apartment) and suddenly he was sitting, pressing a stencil to Jaewon’s arm. The ink sat prettily on Jaewon, pretty enough that Jun almost saw someone else.
The buzz of the tattoo gun drowned out most things, including his own thoughts, and Jaewon didn’t say anything.
When the tattoo finished, Jun looked at Jaewon. “I’m done.”
“It looks great.”
“Why?” Jun blurted out.
“Why what?” Jaewon’s voice was cold. “Why did you cut me out?”
“I didn’t!” His protest felt flimsy.
“You never told me about my dad even though you knew! You didn’t tell me about Wyld! I knew but waited for you to tell me!”
“Don’t put this on me, Jun. You brought this on yourself.”
“That doesn’t even sound like you,” Jun whispered. “You’ve changed.”
“Of course, I’ve changed! It’s been three years— everyone and their mother has changed. I didn’t stay in the past, like you. I moved on, unlike you. I have a mission now.” Jaewon was frosty, eyes hard and most set in a line. “It didn’t take you long to find a new idol group, anyway.”
Jun looked at him, mouth gaping. “Is that how you see me?”
“And what if it is?”
“I trusted you! I don’t go looking for fame and all that!”
“Look. Spare me the sob story on how you got with SA1NT, but just know, I’m going to take down your father. That’s my end goal. My Magnum Opus. My Motus Operandi.”
“You’re what?”
“Doing what you wanted.”
“I— You’re assuming things, Jaewon. I just wanted my best friend back.”
“Well. We don’t always get what we want, do we?”
“No,” Jun replied, frostily. “We don’t. We’re done here, Jaewon. Kindly pay for your tattoo and remove yourself from my shop.”
—————————
“Thought I’d find you up here.” Minsung took a long drag from the cigarette between his fingers.
“How’d the tattoo go?”
“The work looks great.” Jun chewed the end of his stick. “Jaewon and I had a talk.”
“And that went…?”
“We’re done. I can’t be around someone like him, right now, and frankly, ever.”
“And?”
“And I realize that I’m home now.”
“Well.” Minsung spread his arms. “Welcome home, Jun.”
Jun smiled and knew he loved SA1NT.