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At first, it had been easy for Minho to ignore the jokes. It was just funny coincidences, and Jisung watching too many sad dramas that made him write only breakup songs. They had even joked about it with the members. Everyone knew how gone they were for each other. Minho had never doubted that. They had gone from young love to a strong and trustworthy relationship.
He had no reason to feel insecure even if Jisung seemed to write heartbreaking songs like he was going through two divorces each week. They were in love, they were happy. Not a single reason to worry. Right ?
Maybe it was Minho's confidence not being at its highest. Or maybe it was moving dorms, and not being able to see Jisung as much as he wanted with their schedules getting more and more packed. But, after another comeback, and a brand new breakup song from Jisung, Minho started to hear an insidious voice in his head saying that maybe they weren't as good as he thought. Maybe Jisung wasn't happy with him but he was too kind and considerate, he would never put the group at risk during their busiest period by breaking things off with Minho. It wasn't like he had to force himself with Minho, as they barely saw each other nowadays.
Once upon a time, the teasing from stays, making fun of Jisung for being unhappy in love would have made Minho laugh. Now it was just daggers thrown at his heart, feeding his insecurities. Each time Jisung laughed off the jokes without properly setting things straight, Minho felt his heart breaking a little more.
Somewhere deep down, Minho knew it was irrational, Jisung couldn't say he was in a relationship, let alone a happy one, but it was tiring to hear everyone mocking their dating life. It was making him miserable. He tried to talk with Jisung about his concerns, but Minho had never been good with words. It was easier for him to show his affection through acts rather than through words. That's probably why Jisung didn't catch the weight of Minho's words. He didn't notice the way he was slowly but surely breaking.
Every "I love you" from Jisung's mouth started to sound empty to Minho’s ears. He wanted to believe him, but the insidious voice was still there, saying that he was forcing himself for the group's sake. Jisung deserved better, Minho couldn’t be making him happy, if he was Jisung would write happier songs. There were so many signs, Jisung wasn’t as clingy to him as he previously was. He didn’t complain when they couldn’t see each other outside of schedule for days. It had to mean something.
Jisung was never going to hurt him, Minho was so sure of that. So he had to be the one bursting their bubble. If he could save their friendship and encourage Jisung to be happier by breaking up with him, Minho had to do it. It was for the best, Jisung would be able to move on without feeling bad because of Minho. Sure, it was going to hurt, but he would get over it eventually. Minho was happy with Jisung, but if he was not able to make him feel the same anymore, then Minho should let him go. He would always put Jisung's happiness first, even if it wasn't with him. His decision was taken.
He confronted Jisung one day, meeting him at his apartment, when he knew no one else was home. Jisung looked tired when he opened the door. He had pulled a fews all nighters with 3racha but he was happy with the songs they produced, he started explaining as he was leading him to his bedroom. He tried to hug him but Minho took his hands, taking a step back. Jisung looked at him with a frown.
“We need to talk,” he said.
“You are scaring me a little !” Jisung laughed, but his expression was warry. Minho thought about delaying the discussion until next time. He yearned for Jisung’s proximity. It would be so easy to snuggle with him on his bed, and forget everything. But he remembered how they almost had a big argument the very morning because Jisung forgot he was supposed to meet with Minho. The whole group had been tense for the interview that followed. It couldn’t last like that, Minho couldn’t let this happen.
"I need a break," he said, the words burning his throat.
The pure look of horror on Jisung’s face almost made Minho backtrack and erase any word he had said. But he kept his goal in sight. It was like removing a band-aid, it would sting like hell at first but it would eventually fade.
"Are you -? For real ?" Jisung asked, sounding lost and hurt.
"This is not working. We barely see each other. It hasn't felt the same lately. We aren't happy." Minho said. I am not making you happy, was implied.
Tears gathered in Jisung's eyes and Minho started to think that maybe he made a mistake. But it was too late as Jisung quickly put a mask on, hiding his hurt behind a wall of fury. And it exploded on Minho.
"Don't put words into my mouth ! If you want to break up then say so ! But don't make it seem like that's what I want to do !"
Jisung got angrier. Minho tried to mumble excuses but Jisung slammed the door shut on him.
That's how Minho ended his relationship of almost 4 years. But it was for the better, right ?
Unfortunately, it only got worse and worse from then. They were rehearsing for the world tour and starting promotion for their first comeback of the year. It should have been joyous moments but Minho felt like shit. Everything was a mess. They had to look happy in front of the cameras but Minho was pretty sure he wasn't doing a good job. Most of the time it felt like he was seconds away from breaking down. His eyes couldn't help but search for Jisung all the time.
But Jisung, since their breakup had taken to ignoring Minho, as much as he could without it looking weird on cameras. Minho couldn't blame him, Jisung was mad at him. He was dealing with the breakup in his own way but not having him close hurted. Thinking that he still could have Jisung's friendship after they parted had been a big miscalculation on Minho's part. There was sadly no turning back. It wasn't like Jisung would even want to get him back considering how he couldn't seem to stand even breathing the same air as Minho.
It was also terrible to not be able to be there for Jisung when he was clearly hurting. And Minho was the cause of it. He had lost some weight, Minho had noticed. He was avoiding the gym lately from what he heard from Changbin. Usually, Minho would have taken him to a date in a little restaurant and just being with each other would have helped.
It was worse than ever and Minho thought he preferred having Jisung even if his feelings weren't there anymore than not having him at all. The other members were here for him, going on walks or getting dinner with him, but it wasn't the same.
Minho was just the ghost of himself.
He did everything for Jisung and for the kids, so that they wouldn't suffer from Jisung and Minho slowly but surely drifting apart. A clean breakup was better. But then, why did it hurt so much ?
Winter disappeared and spring came back, and with the sun pointing his nose, rays of hope came back into Minho's life. Jisung seemed to finally calm down. It didn’t seem like he didn’t know Minho existed anymore, and he even laughed with him once or twice. Minho wondered if one of the members had talked to him or if it was a sign Jisung was moving on. The latter option wasn't making Minho happy. However, it was comforting to not walk on eggshells around Jisung. Minho had to stop himself from touching Jisung sometimes, but at least he wasn't systemically brushed off anymore.
The decisive moment happened just before they went on tour. Minho was watching TV with Felix and Jeongin when Seungmin came home, an embarrassed Jisung trailing behind him.
"I think we should talk," he blurted out as soon as he noticed Minho. It brought him back to a few weeks ago, when he was the one to pronounce those words. He understood just now the dread Jisung must have felt, because it was certainly scary.
They stared at each other. Minho was trying to find what Jisung was thinking. His eyes were more open than they had been in weeks and it was clear he was hurting. He had dark rings under his eyes and looked paler than usual.
Minho led them to his room, ignoring the anxious glares they got from the other members.
It was strange having Jisung here after such a long time. The vision was one he was used to, Jisung sitting at his desk, but he had never felt so out of reach.
"I'm sorry for reacting like that. I shouldn't have been so upset when it's something you can't do anything about," Jisung started rambling. He was stressed if his leg fidgeting was any indicator. Minho burned to reach out, put his hand on his tight and soothe him but he had lost this right.
"It's fine, I understand," Minho answered, vaguely guessing that Jisung was trying to apologise for the cold shoulder he gave him.
"It's ok to fall out of love and you shouldn't have to force yourself. It's your decision and I just need a little time to accept it."
"Wait -" Minho interrupted Jisung, trying to process everything he said. "Wait - what do you mean fall out of love ?"
"I mean ... it has to be that, no ? If it was something else … Like something we needed to work on, you would have talked to me about it, no ? I don't see any reason for you to want to break up so it has to be that, no ?"
Listening to the way Jisung's voice got wobbly and how his eyes started filling with tears, Minho began to think he might have misunderstood the situation a little.
"I - No ! Isn't it you who was getting tired of our relationship ?"
"What made you think that ?" Jisung sounded offended, his eyebrows raising in a shocked expression. His lips turned into a pout.
"You - You only wrote breakup songs, and we weren't seeing each other anymore … I thought I wasn't making you happy."
"Minho, you know where I get my inspiration from ! And it has never been from my own relationship, our relationship !" Jisung pleaded, his attention focused on Minho, like he wanted him to see how honest he was being. Minho could see how concerned he was from his furrowed brows.
"But when people make jokes about your love life you always laugh or look a little bit depressed …" It sounded wrong to Minho's ears now that he said it outloud but he couldn't help feeling insecure.
"I just don't know how to brush it off without being too obvious," Jisung answered. He scratched his neck, showing his embarrassment. He brought his legs to his chest, resting his head on his knees. He looked so small, making Minho’s heart skip a beat.
“We were arguing more and more, and you didn’t seem to mind when we weren’t able to see each other,” Minho added. He was letting all go, hoping it would enable him to move on.
“I - Ok, I may be at fault there. It’s the packed schedule and the overall pressure … You know how I tend to latch on the closest person around ? I - I didn’t want it to be you,” Jisung admitted. It suddenly made a lot of sense to Minho. He replayed all the times he almost argued with Jisung. They never argued, not really, but they had been tense lately. Those times coincided with the times Jisung stood him up, Minho now noticed. “I know you were stressed too, so I didn’t want to burden you more with my problems,” Jisung added. It looked like Minho wasn’t the only one who had been struggling on his own, trying to protect the other.
"It will seem silly now, but all those little things plus the fact we barely saw each other started to make me doubt everything,” Minho explained.
"Oh," Jisung understood after processing Minho's words for a few seconds, his eyes wide open with a glint of understanding. "Wait - When you talked about it a few months ago, about the songs and everything, were you truly worried ?"
"I - Yes …" Minho answered, his voice being no more than a whisper. It was hard to show his vulnerable side so much. He avoided Jisung's eyes until he talked again. However, he was touched that Jisung remembered this moment, even if he had misunderstood Minho’s seriousness at that time.
"Minho, I'm so sorry… It never occurred to me that it was something that could make you insecure." His voice was filled with emotion and Minho had to look at him again to make sure for himself, but Jisung had never looked more genuine.
"I should have explained it more explicitly before letting it go this bad …" Minho admitted. Both were at fault here.
Minho wondered what he was supposed to say now. He wanted Jisung back and he was pretty sure that it was what Jisung wanted too, but he was too scared to ask. He felt like his heart was on his lips.
They simply looked at each other. Minho felt a little underdressed in his jogging, while Jisung was wearing a sophisticated outfit, the type he liked to wear when he wanted to look good. Minho hoped it did it for him. If he did, it worked. Minho was charmed by his slim jeans and fitted shirt. His hair was a little messy from when Jisung had played with them nervously.
It was Jisung who broke the silence. His piercing eyes searched for Minho, and his voice was confident when he talked.
"The break, did you really mean it ?"
"I thought that it was something you wanted…" Minho answered honestly.
"And if I don't want that ?"
Jisung looked as scared as Minho, but he had no reason to, because all this time Minho had not thought about anything else but Jisung. Minho grabbed Jisung's hand, pulling him to sit next to him on the bed.
"Jisungie, would you still want me ?" He asked, cupping Jisung's face with his hands. Jisung's hands covered his own, he held Minho's eyes as he answered.
"Of course," Jisung slightly turned his head, closing his eyes as he softly kissed Minho's hand, "I love you. I really do. Please never breakup with me again, those weeks were torture."
Minho laid down on his bed, pulling Jisung with him. He ended up with Jisung on top of him, his head on his chest.
"I am sorry. I missed you so much. I love you," Minho whispered into Jisung's ear while brushing his hair. God, he had missed having Jisung close so much.
They snuggled together in silence for a few minutes. Jisung played with Minho’s shirt while Minho stroked his back.
"I will try to write other things than breakup songs from now on," Jiung said, his voice sounded like he was sulking a little but his expression was light.
"No, don't stop yourself, I'm good as long as I know they're not about me," Minho laughed, kissing away his frown. He loved Jisung's songs, he just had to prevent himself from imagining things.
The tense silence following Minho's words was highly suspicious. "Han Jisung, you wrote breakup songs about me ?" Minho's tone was a little scandalised but there was no bite to it.
"Well I had to do something about all those feelings when you broke up with me." Jisung tried to explain, panicking a little.
"Don't tell me you wrote a breakup song about me, before you even wrote a love song ?" Minho asked, a little offended but it was mostly to tease Jisung. However it quickly turned into curiosity when he noticed Jisung's cheeks and neck turning a pretty shade of pink.
"What is it ?" He inquired. Jisung avoided his eyes but Minho wasn't one to admit defeat, his voice turning pleading, "Please ?" He asked, raising Jisung's head with a finger under his chin so that he was looking at him.
"Iwrotelovesongsaboutyou," Jisung spilled, so fast that Minho almost didn't catch everything he said.
"You what ?" Minho asked because he couldn't believe it.
"I wrote love songs about you !" Jisung whined, sitting on the bed, turning his back to Minho. He hid his face between his hands but his neck was now completely red.
"Why is it the first time I hear about that ?" Minho asked as he sat behind Jisung, circling his waist with his arms to bring him closer to him, as he sat against the wall.
"Because it's embarrassing ! They are bad !" Jisung complained, still hiding behind his hands.
"They ? Like there are several ?" Minho asked. This night was full of surprises.
"Stop it," Jisung whined, "They are just silly songs. You wouldn't like them."
"Hey, they are my songs ! Don't say bad things about them !" Minho complained before he softly kissed Jisung's neck. He felt him relax in his arms as his lips continued their path on his neck. "I would love to hear those songs. I am sure they are perfect."
"Maybe I will let you listen to them one day. Maybe." Jisung said. It seemed like he had trouble focusing, with Minho's hands on him. Minho decided he would taunt him later, for now he had better things to do. He had missed Jisung's body too.
A few months later, Minho was in his bed, watching their new content just released. He smiled proudly watching his members talk about their new album. He laughed a little when it came to one new breakup song from Jisung, the irony of it.
When Jisung came onto screen, looking all fluffy and cute while talking about his song, Minho couldn't help but melt a little at the sight. Suddenly Jisung said something that had Minho replaying the part, his heart squeezing as he heard again Jisung said "I am doing fine and I have no problem with relationships". Damn, Minho was so in love with this boy.