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Kesler's entire life had been filled with constant noise; between his five older siblings and his four kids, there was constant noise.
He loved the noise. It felt safe. It felt like home.
But now, every sweet sound had been sucked out of his life and replaced with the most painful kind of silence. Juline said she wouldn’t believe he was dead until she saw his body. Bex wouldn’t speak. Rex clung to them like they would fade away in front of him. While Lex didn’t understand that his brother was gone, Kesler didn’t have the energy to explain to him for the fifth time this week that his brother was dead.
It was like someone had ripped his heart from his chest and smashed it on the ground, and he was stuck with the broken pieces sticking into his skin.
He wanted to wake up from this nightmare, but there was nothing he could do.
His son was dead, and he never even got to say goodbye.
He lay awake in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep while his wife was in the closet whispering into her imparter again. he couldn’t just lay there. The silence allowed his thoughts to run wild. he imagined what it must have felt like when his son was trapped under the water, Dex gasping for air but his lungs filling with water. How scared he must have been when he realized he was gonna die as he sunk to the bottom of the ocean where his body could never be found. It made Kesler’s heart pound in his ears, and he decided it wasn’t worth it to lay alone with his thoughts. He got up and left a note on their bed. All it said was
I’m going to his wanderling. Love you, snowdrop , Kesler
Kelser quietly crept up to the leapmaster, trying not to wake the triplets, and light leaped to the wandering woods.
At least It was supposed to be quiet here. It was meant to be a place of grief.
Kelser sat under his son's wanderling, looking up at the stars, begging them to let him cry. Still, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t feel a thing. It was like his emotions were trapped, locked in a box that was just out of his reach
he was empty, hollow, numb
he hadn’t even cried at his son's planting. He just held his wife and kids, trying to keep what was left of his family together. He went out once a few after the planting, and Kesler finally understood why Grady and Edaline hid away after Jolie's death. People whispered things like.
“at least it was a bad match and it wasn’t one of the good kids.”
“the boy wouldn’t have even manifested.”
“it was probably his fault you know how bad matches are”
he couldn’t take it. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry because his son mattered just as much as any noble child, but he couldn’t. All he did was ask one of his sisters to do the shopping for him because he couldn’t handle going out, not with the whispering.
His son was only twelve years old. Dex didn’t even get the chance to manifest, he didn’t get the opportunity to prove them all wrong, and he didn’t get the chance to make things better for the talentless like he always talked about. all he got to do was go to Foxfire and get bullied, and when he finally made a friend and finally got to know his uncle and aunt that he always wanted to meet. he was killed by the ocean,
the ocean !
Kesler felt like he was drowning too, trapped under the water, able to hear everything above him but unable to swim to the surface. He could have kept the accident from happening. They could still be alive.
He had almost asked if Sophie could come over and study at Rimeshire, but he wanted her to be somewhere she was comfortable. Because she was in a new place, and she needed at least some familiarity, plus they liked their little spot.
If he had only asked for her to come over, he would still have three living sons and have gotten to see his brother and sister again.
A rock bounced off the tree in front of him and hit his boot. he looked over to see Grady.
“It's not fair. She was just a little girl! ” he threw another rock as if it was a period.
“How…how long have you been here?”
Kesler said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Grady didn’t answer. He jumped up and grabbed a rock off the pathway throwing it at the stars.
“why? Why? do you do this to us!” he screamed at the stars “they say you know everything that will happen and that it’s set in stone, but why do we have to suffer so much!?” he ran his fingers through his golden blonde hair “wasn’t taking one of our daughters away from us enough for you!? or must you make us suffer with this all over again?”
He was quiet for a moment, and Kesler got up and started to walk over to him when Grady said with a dark laugh.
“are you gonna take Eda too?”
He threw his hand up at the sky “you’ve taken everyone else! why not just finnish the damn job?”
He fell to the ground and started to sob. Kesler rushed over and tackled him in a hug. Kesler wanted to cry with him, but he couldn’t figure out how, so he just held him because he did know what else to do.
Grady eventually choked out.
“one of her last memories was finding out that we canceled her adoption. She thought we didn’t love her, didn’t want her before those monsters killed them.”
Kesler took a minute to process what Grady said,
“what do you mean monsters killed them? they drowned because of the high tide that’s what-“
“-the council said?” Grady snorted “since when did they tell the truth?”
Kesler couldn’t argue with that. They took so long to tell them that their son had drowned that Grady had already told them. They didn’t even have the courtesy to let the triplets have time off school for more than a few days.
Grady pulled their registry pendants out of his pocket and handed them to Kesler.
“how did-“
“that’s not important,” Grady said, waving his hand as if he was brushing away his words “look at where they broke, ” putting air quotes around the last word.
Kesler held them in his hands for a moment. These were on two living, breathing twelve-year-olds less than two weeks ago now. These were all that was left because no one could find the bodies.
He looked at the broken ends to see they were straight as if cut with a knife.
“…what the?”
Grady raised his eyebrow “now you see why they didn’t want us to have the pedants. It would show their perfect little word has child murderers,” he snorted “they would much rather pretend it was just a tragic accident.”. They
Kesler nodded. Dex was a bad match, and Sophie was a rebel science experiment. They were probably a little happy they were gone. Less trouble to deal with fewer people ruining their perfect little world.
“it was the Black Swan you know…that killed our kids.”
Grady digging his fingers into his pants
“they killed Jolie because I didn’t join their little cult, ” he spat, “and now they killed them too.”
Kesler didn’t know what to say. He did believe that there was a possibility that Jolie was killed by them. Fires like that don’t just start out of nowhere, but he didn’t know about this time.
“Grady, why would they kill the creation they tried so hard to hide?”
“because they socio…” he looked at the ground for a second before looking over at Kesler “who else would it be?”
“someone who doesn’t want them to have a…what did they call her? the Moonlark?”
“well they’re definitely not good people,” Grady said, his voice dripping with venom “they killed a little girl because she was a created to be a weapon and boy just because he was there.”
Kesler nodded that whoever killed they were definitely worse than the Black Swan, and they needed to be stopped so they wouldn’t do this to any more families. He still wasn’t completely convinced that Jolie's death wasn’t a coincidence, but Sophie and Dex were definitely murdered.
Kesler looked up at the sky, which was starting to turn pink, then looked over at Grady and said, “we need to go home…our wives will-“
Grady sighed
“Eda took a strong sedative before bed she won’t be awake for another two hours at least…but you should get home, your wife and kids need you, Kesler.”
Kesler nodded, stood up, and grabbed his leaping crystal. He looked back at Grady.
“is it normal to feel nothing?…or am i broken?”
“I wouldn’t be able to tell you if it’s bad, Kes, but you are definitely broken,” he said, standing up “our kids are dead, Kelser. We both are broken, and we always will be”
Kesler looked at the ground. Grady was right. He was broken in a way no one should be.
“you can’t do this alone again Grady, we both lost our kids this time if you close everyone out again at least let us in?”
All Grady did at first was nod and look at his feet. After a minute, he said
“you’re right. We can’t do this alone, not this time,” he sighed. “I’ll ask Eda if it’s okay if you all come over tomorrow, we’re all hurting right now. We need to be together now more than ever.”
Kesler smiled a little for the first time he got close to smiling in over a week,
“Hail me this afternoon and let me know, okay? I don’t want to push her.”
“I think it will be good for her” Grady ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ll Hail and let you know if she’s okay with you all coming or not… if not, we can just talk.”
“Yeah…that…that sounds good…” he looked back to the entrance of the wandering woods. “I really need to go I don’t want Jules to worry.”
“go, take care of your family” Grady waved him away with his hand. “I’m gonna stay…just for a bit.”
Kesler watched him sit under Sophie’s tree as he light leaped away.
It was still completely dark when he when got back to Rimeshire. He walked inside the house, hoping not to wake anyone. When he walked past the living room, Juline was on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. Her eyes were red and puffy. The temperature in the room was below freezing, and there was a trail of ice crawling out from her in all directions, covering half the couch and going up the wall. When she saw him, he walked into the room, and she started sobbing. He ran over, doing his best not to slip on the icy floor, and scooped her up, sitting on the couch, cradling her ice-cold body in his lap, not caring about sitting on the icy couch.
“don’t you dare leave me like again”
She said between sobs.
He kissed her forehead and held her tight as she buried her face in his chest.
“I’m sorry, I’m here,”
he whispered over and over, his breath creating puffs in the air as he ran his fingers through her hair and kissed the salty tears off her face. He should have known that leaving would have scared her. she had been holding it together for so long, stuffing down her tears in favor of focusing on the triplets and trying to get him actually to eat something. she would cry to herself at night after she would whisper in her imparter in the closet. But the second Kesler would try to comfort her. She would stuff it all down again and tell him she was okay. She was taking care of everyone but herself, and he was glad she finally let him hold her and just be there for her.
Kesler carried her up the stairs and back to their bedroom. They lay in bed, and he listened to Juline’s hiccuping breaths slowly turn into shallow breathing. He lay awake as she slept. He needed to open the shop because they were running out of money. he didn’t know if people would avoid coming or buy out of pity. He didn’t want to ask his siblings for money. He could take care of his family himself. That was his job. he must have fallen asleep at some point because he woke up with Rex curled up Next to him, Lex at his feet, and Bex curled up next to Juline. he sat up, and Rex snapped awake and said anxiously.
“Dad…” he rubbed his little periwinkle eyes with his palms “ Dad . where are you going?”
He looked down at his son; he looked like a smaller version of him, a smaller version of his brother. as much as he loved all his sons, Kelser didn’t like the strong genes. He always teased Juline about as much anymore.
He sighed and said
“i’m going downstairs to make breakfast do you want to come?”
Rex nodded quickly and jumped off the bed with his Jackalope Harry in hand. Kesler sat up, and Juline started to pat the spot on his bed where he had been lying looking for him. Kesler grabbed her hand, leaned over, and tucked her hair behind her ear. Her eyes opened just a crack, and he whispered.
“i’m gonna go make breakfast okay?” before kissing her cheek.
She nodded, and he scooted off the bed and grabbed Rex’s hand before heading downstairs.
He let Rex choose what they made, let him put the chocolate in, and let him put as much as he wanted in his mouth.
Rex almost smiled
, almost
the rest of the day was normal
normal compared to every other day since he died, Lex asking where Dex was, Juline desperately trying to explain it to him for the sixth time, Bex staring off into space and only nodding or Shaking her head when asked questions, Rex clinging to everyone like they where gonna fade away in front of him and Kesler
He was still numb.
He wanted to feel something. He wanted to scream, cry, break something, anything,
but for a reason that the stars would only know, he was unable to shed a tear even though it felt like his chest with broken glass.
He just floated through the day like an empty shell; his body wasn’t his own. He was on autopilot, and taking care of his family was all he could think about.
Early afternoon, Grady hailed and said that Eda was okay with them coming over for dinner. Kelser brought it up to Juline, and she was okay with it as long as the Triples were.
The whole family went over to Havenfeild, and it was quiet but in a completely different way.
There was constant noise from the dinosaurs and all of the other animals, and the gnomes were going in, and out of the enclosures it wasn’t quiet in the slightest, but something was definitely missing.
someone
a sweet twelve-year-old little girl who, for some reason, was left in the forbidden cities.
A little girl who was taken away from everything she knew and into a world where she didn’t understand a thing.
A little girl who was killed by monsters who didn’t want her to fulfill whatever purpose she was made for.
A little girl who just wanted her family.
Rex and Lex couldn’t take their eyes off all the dinosaurs, and they looked happy for the first time in over a week. Even the light had returned to Bex’s eyes.
Grady and Eda walked over to greet them. Grady had his arm wrapped around Eda’s waist. She had massive bags under her eyes, and her hair pulled back into a messy ponytail at the back of her neck. she was walking so slow that Kesler was sure that if Grady let go of her, she would melt to the ground.
Juline ran over and tackled her sister in a hug. They both collapsed to the ground clinging to each other and sobbing. Rex clung onto Kesler’s arm as Grady walked over and asked the triplets if they wanted to pet Verdi. All three of them nodded, and Grady took them to her enclosure. They actually laughed just a little when the Gnomes and Grady desperately tried to get her to eat the fruit of the day, as Grady called it.
Rex asked if he was named after her, a question Kesler avoided for the time being.
He usually would have laughed at the question and told him that he was definitely named after her because it was somewhat the truth, but now he didn’t have the energy.
He watched his kids, who were happy, even if it was just for this little moment.
While he still couldn’t convince himself to feel.
Eventually, Eda and Juline came over and told the triplets that dinner was ready and to hurry and eat before Grady ate all the mellowmelt. So the triplets and Grady ran ahead, and with Eda and Juline walking arm in arm behind them, while Kesler lagged behind, he didn’t feel like eating.
He sat on the porch alone, hoping they wouldn’t notice that he wasn’t there. His chest was tight, and he couldn’t think. It was like his mind was filled with smoke, and he was trying to find the door.
Grady came out a few minutes later with two plates of mellowmelt.
“you’ve been out here for a while.”
Grady sat next to him on the porch and slid the second plate of mellowmelt over to him. Kesler shook his head and looked at his shoes.
“Jules’s made me promise to make sure you ate Kes.”
Kesler sighed heavily and took the plate from Grady, holding it in his lap. He was eating to make her feel better, not because he wanted to
“I need to reopen Slurps and Burps,”
he said before taking a bite of the cake
“why?” Grady said, dropping his Fork on his plate “it hasn’t even been two weeks. Kesler people would under-“
“we need money.”
Kesler said, matter a factly, taking a bite.
Grady scratched his head “oh, I forgot about the whole bad matches lose their birth fund thing.”
“Lucky you, ” Kesler scoffed and immediately regretted it. “I'm sorry that was-“
“no, I deserved that,” Grady said with a laugh “you know we can just help you. You don’t need to open back up the shop.”
“we’ve been over this,” Kesler said, a little sing-songy through a bite of his food.
“yeah, I know, you need to take care of your family without outside help” Grady leaned back and sighed “im never gonna stop offering, you know that right.”
Kesler rolled his eyes. Grady was just as bad as the rest of his siblings, if not worse. He was glad they were talking again more than anything. Before, it could go years without even a text. He was glad they didn’t hole themselves away again, but the circumstances were horrible. He just wanted it to be like it was before, even before Jolie's death. When they would have family dinners and game nights. He wished she could meet his kids and her little sister. Jolie had begged her whole life for a younger sibling. She got one it was just too late.
He looked over to Grady.
“do you think they can still talk to each other?”
Grady looked over to him, his mouth stuffed with mellowmelt
“whot”
“The kids…” he cocked his head up to the sky “…do you think they can talk to each other in the stars.”
Grady slowly chewed his food and swallowed.
“I…i don’t know,” he smiled just a little, “but if they can, she can talk to them too.”
Kesler leaned back on his hands, looking up at the sky
“We can pretend they can.”
Grady nodded
“let’s just pretend they can, even if they are silent.”
Kesler and Grady sat there eating in silence until Bex came outside and cuddled up next to Kesler. she fell asleep in less than five minutes, and he carried her inside with Grady right behind him. Eda saw them and conjured up a blanket covered in mercats that she wrapped Bex in.
Juline signed and shook her head.
“We should get going before the boys fall asleep too.”
she stood up, and Rex hopped up from his spot on the couch next to her and followed with Lex close behind. Juline gave Eda a hug and whispered
“i love you.”
when they finally pulled apart, and Juline said
“hail me, okay?”
Eda nodded and said
“I will…tomorrow,” she gave her sister a little smile “i love you too.”
they packed up what little things they had brought and double-checked to make sure Rex had Harry. as they headed out the door, Grady said
“you better hail me, Kesler I’m not done trying to convince you to let me help you in some way.”
Juline snorted
“good luck with that one, Grady.”
====
It took about three days and six prattle pins, but Grady convinced Kesler to let him help in the shop. Kesler convinced himself that he was doing this for Grady, that he was the one who needed company.
They walked into Slurps and Burps, the doors burping when they opened them, and his heart dropped to his feet.
The first thing that made Dex laugh was the door burping. They hadn’t even expected it, Juline had brought him to the shop to visit, and when the doors opened, he let out the cutest little laugh. His little freckled face was glowing, and his dimples were more obvious than the first time he smiled. Kesler spent the next twenty minutes running in and out of the shop just to hear him laugh, not even caring that he had customers; Dex wouldn’t be that small forever.
If only Kesler had known that he wasn’t gonna have him forever.
Grady put his hand on Kesler's shoulder. He flinched and realized he had forgotten to breathe.
“are you sure you-“
Kesler ran to the lab in the back of the shop and dug around the desk, doing his best not to read Dex’s two-week-old school notes and goggles that Kesler had told him to pick up at least seven times. Finally found the remote to the door and switched off the burping. He wasn’t going to be able to handle hearing that, and he didn’t think he would be able to handle being in the lab for another second.
he walked out of the lab, head down, and ran straight into Grady, who grabbed him by the shoulders and said,
“you really don’t have to do Kes if you need to go home-“
“no, i-“
he looked down at his hands, which were shaking, and gripped the remote so tight that his knuckles were white. He stuffed it in his pocket. Why was he feeling things now out of all times? This was the time to be numb. He took a deep breath and stuffed it all back down
“I’m fine, Grady.”
they worked in silence for the most part, and the customers were so awkward. The ones who did talk just mumbled an apology, and others just bought their elixirs and moved on with their days, he thought the worst ones were the ones who just stared and didn’t say anything, but he was very, very wrong.
Late afternoon, a stuffy noble came in. the first thing she did was say it was about time that he got rid of that ridiculous burping door, which wasn’t the first time he had gotten that comment, but it just kept getting worse. She complained that they didn’t have her specific hair Elixer in stock and was offended that Kesler said he wasn’t going to be able to make any. she was just about to interrogate Grady because it was the first time she had seen him since the fire. as if that wasn’t enough when he sent Grady to the back to check and see if they had some of her very specific Elixer, Kesler knew they didn’t Grady just didn’t know how to handle customers like this, she looked down her nose at him and said.
“i don’t see what you are so upset about, don’t you have two more bad match sons at home as replacements?”
his ears started to ring, and he was shaking
“get out of my store NOW!”
she scoffed and put her stupidly perfectly manicured nails to her chest
“I'm sorry ?”
he pointed at the door and roared
“Get OUT! before I say or do something I will regret!”
the woman huffed and pranced her way out of the store, grumbling about illogical Talentless all the way like she hadn’t just called his son replaceable. He slammed the door sign to close the second the doors closed behind her. He couldn’t deal with another stuffy noble today.
Kesler couldn’t get what that woman said out of her head. The boys could never replace Dex, and Dex could never replace them. They were all their own people. So what were people doing? thinking he wouldn’t miss one of his sons because he had two more at home.
He was so lost in thought that he ran right into Grady, knocking the box of elixirs out of his arms, half of the bottles breaking on the ground. Kesler watched the sparkly purple liquid pool on the floor. It was like every one of his emotions turned into a massive tidal wave that broke down the dam, holding them back. Everything that had been bottled up came out at once as he collapsed to the floor sobbing in the puddle of Elixer and glass. Grady threw the box to the floor, just sitting with him, and cried as he sobbed so hard he couldn’t breathe.
His son was dead. He was never going to clean up his school notes or wear his protective goggles when helping Kelser make elixirs or smile so big that his dimples were visible across the room. His baby boy was gone, and he wasn’t going to get him back.
They sat on the floor for the stars know how long while Kesler cried until he couldn’t anymore. When he was aware of his surroundings again, the stars were out. He looked out the big windows at a couple of twinkling stars that were side by side and said
“do you think they can hear us?” he said, his voice cracking
“I don’t care,” Grady said, helping him up “ill still talk to them even if they can’t.”
Kelser looked at stars twinkling in a rhythm, almost like they were trying to send a message to him.
“I think I will too.”