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He blinked, as if coming awake, and saw that he was walking along a deserted pathway, Little Apple by his side. She was behaving fairly well, considering how she normally was, and would only occasionally stop to graze along any grass that came by. Wei Wuxian’s feet were aching now, and it was dark outside. His heart began to pick up pace, as his feet continued to make their way down the path, as if without his permission.

The last thing he remembered was sitting beneath a tree, the sun in the center of the sky, before dusting off his robes and standing to continue his way out of Moling. Moling was not very far from Caiyi and Gusu, and Wei Wuxian honestly was unsure of what direction he’d been walking in the past several hours. He wasn’t even sure if he was still even in Moling.

Panic began to rise in his chest. This kept happening. He’d be doing ordinary things and thinking ordinary thoughts, then would seem to wake up in another place, as if something had taken over him and then deposited him at random. He always was able to come back to himself fairly quickly and remember where he was. But sometimes he would awake and look around himself, and know he was supposed to know where he was, but he didn’t.

The worst time had been when he was visiting Jin Ling in Carp Tower. Everything looked so familiar there. But one day, he had suddenly blinked to awareness right in the back gardens, near Jin Ling’s rooms. He had looked around and knew he was supposed to know where he was. However, in that moment, he didn’t know and he was afraid. He felt like he had died again and come back in another body. The feeling of reoccupying a body when you never wanted to leave in the first place was a jarring and horrifying experience.

When Wei Wuxian finally was able to gather himself, he slowed his pace to a stop. “I can see the dirt path in front of me,” he murmured. “I can see the trees, and Little Apple’s furry head. I can feel the robes on my back and the ground beneath my feet. I can feel my feet aching. I can smell the air and the smell of earth and vegetation.” He shut his eyes. “I can hear crickets and the sound of the wind in the trees.”

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, heart rate finally at a normal pace. His feet were hurting so much. It was like he had walked without rest ever since he had last been conscious. He took a deep, steadying breath and stumbled into the woods along the path. Little Apple stayed grazing along the grass as he collapsed under a tree. He could feel his heartbeat in his feet, pounding with the relief of not being used.

After visiting Carp Tower and experiencing what had happened there, he was beginning to think he was cursed. His heart, desperately weak and lonely, was beginning to ache so hard he gave up and made his way towards Gusu. If he were asked why it had taken him this long to visit Lan Wangji even once, he would not have been able to answer. He couldn’t explain it. Why did he want to avoid him? Why did he desperately want to see him at the same time? It was all very confusing. In fact, it was almost the exact same he felt when he woke up from these episodes. Like he was supposed to know, but just didn’t.

Jin Ling had found Wei Wuxian in the garden before he had really come back to himself. He had immediately shot into a lecture, demanding to know where Wei Wuxian had been and why he had disappeared in the middle of dinner and only just returned. He had demanded to know where he went, what he had done, and why do you look like that, Wei Wuxian, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost.

After he had examined Wei Wuxian’s face a little more closely, his sharp tone began to soften into something a little bit more confused, and even a little afraid. He had continued his inquiry, called for a doctor even, but everyone’s pursuits in discovering what was wrong was fruitless. Wei Wuxian did not know what to tell him. He had felt sorry to Jin Ling for worrying him and making him call for a doctor in the middle of the night. But it was an unavoidable thing when one looked as pale and afraid as Wei Wuxian did.

Wei Wuxian did not want to sleep. He was afraid of waking up, not knowing where he was. He was afraid of waking up and not knowing he was awake and continuing to go where he did not want to go. He took a deep breath and looked over at Little Apple. He thought maybe while he was away, he let Little Apple rest, but maybe just continued to stand himself. Normally, she’d be tired too if she had gone all day like him. However, she seemed like she was fine. She must have rested while Wei Wuxian remained upright.

Wei Wuxian looked down at himself and patted himself for any odd injuries or any sign that something bad happened while he was unconscious. Everything seemed normal and where it should be. It was a relief, but a small one.

He shakily stood up on his legs, feeling like his body was made of jelly, and shuffled over to lean on Little Apple and then swing himself onto her back. He couldn’t help but press his hands down onto her in front of where he sat in order to lay down as much as he could on her small frame. He encouraged her to move forward and was incredibly grateful for her sudden compliance in this moment.

As she began to move, Wei Wuxian twisted his head up blearily to look at the stars. After twisting his head around and finding his whereabouts, he breathed out an incredibly heavy breath of relief. He was still heading towards Caiyi. In fact, he found himself hoping that maybe Unconscious Wei Wuxian was an energetic and zealous man, and that he was much closer to Caiyi than he was before he fell unconscious.

Wei Wuxian elected to not think too deeply about it all. He found himself feeling anxious when he did. Besides, there wasn’t much good that thinking about it all could do. Clearly he hadn’t figured it out on his own, and clearly he was not a reliable source. He wasn’t even sure what was happening during these episodes. He needed to be watched and evaluated in order to even begin to make any sort of theories.

He did not look forward to the prospect of having to be watched all day long by Lan disciples and Lan doctors. He’d be incredibly bored, and Wei Wuxian felt that they would not be as lenient as Lan Wangji was when it came to the rules that Wei Wuxian would inevitably break. Although, he had been very tired lately. Maybe he’d get some much needed rest all the way up in the Cloud Recesses, where he’d be safe.

Safe, he thought with a sigh. He supposed he would feel rather safe there. It was mainly due to Lan Wangji’s presence and authority, and the fact that Lan Sizhui was also the head disciple. Lan Qiren’s existence complicated things, but Wei Wuxian felt that he could avoid him if necessary. And it was, at this point. Wei Wuxian had to be there and he needed help.

A tiny part of his heart whispered to him that it wasn’t really necessary, and that he was using this issue as an excuse to go back to Lan Wangji. It wasn’t true, but there was truth in it. He did need help. He also wanted to see Lan Wangji. Desperately. He hadn’t found a good enough reason to run back yet. It was true that the moment he had decided he needed help, he left Carp Tower and immediately began the way to Gusu. He came to that decision embarrassingly quickly.

Wei Wuxian let his eyes drift shut as he rested against Little Apples back. He didn’t want to think anymore. He was very tired. He didn’t want to sleep either. He was afraid to. Now that he was finally awake and conscious, he wanted to make sure he got somewhere. He didn’t trust himself anymore. He had come to the creeping suspicion that he had also been having these episodes in the middle of the night, when he thought he was sleeping.

He peeled his eyes back open and looked back at the pathway, wanting to gauge how close he was to civilization. To his utter delight, he could see some twinkling lights in the distance. They weren’t too far away, but he was not particularly close to them either. Feeling more energized at this prospect, he sat up a little bit and urged Little Apple to go faster. She responded to his gentle kick, but only really sped up a little bit.

Eventually, the muffled sounds of her hooves hitting the dirt melded into the sharp clack of her hooves meeting a stone street. Wei Wuxian reluctantly slid off of her back. It was like his feet were being stabbed with a knife in each heel. He winced and held her reins as he led her to the closest inn. Tying her up in the back stable, he immediately rushed inside.

There was one innkeeper at the desk, head in his hand as he dozed. The room was completely empty and dim, with only a few candles lit throughout. He approached just loud enough that it would alert the innkeeper of his presence.

The innkeeper jolted awake as Wei Wuxian approached the desk. “Oh. Hello, traveller. What can I do for you?”

“Just a single room please. My donkey is in the back stable already, as well.”

The innkeeper nodded and gestured for him to follow. Wei Wuxian fell into step behind him. His feet still ached, but it was a dull ache that was reaching the point of numbness. He barely noticed it at this point.

The innkeeper bowed lightly as he gestured inside the room he just opened. “Please, I hope you enjoy your stay. Do not hesitate to come down and ask for anything you need.”

“I actually have an odd request,” Wei Wuxian said, taking a few steps inside. He glanced at the door. “When the door is locked, is it able to be opened from the inside?”

“Ahh, no,” the innkeeper said, looking regretful. “It can only be opened from either side with the key.”

“Actually that’s perfect. When I shut the door, would you lock it? And come back and unlock it when the sun rises?”

The innkeeper blinked at him. “You…would like me to lock you inside? Are you sure?”

Wei Wuxian nodded, refusing to feel awkward. He was too tired and achey to feel uncomfortable. Who cares if this one innkeeper thought him odd? Plenty of other people thought worse of him, and they actually knew his name.

The innkeeper looked awkward, however. “Of course. I will do as you ask.”

“Thank you,” Wei Wuxian said sincerely. He nodded politely and shut the door. A moment later, he heard the innkeeper lock the door and make his way back to his desk at the front of the inn.

Turning around, Wei Wuxian wasted no time in stripping out of his outer robes, taking off his shoes, and immediately falling into the bed. He did not bother trying to clean himself up or even get under the covers. All he wanted in that moment was to sleep and hope that he wouldn’t wake up somewhere else.

__________

When he awoke in the morning, he felt more rested, but still exhausted. He had woken to the sound of the innkeeper unlocking his door. He only must have slept for a few hours, which meant that his episode the day before had lasted for many hours. Probably around fourteen. That fact was an icy hand around his heart. He felt as though he could actually feel the chilled fear creep into his veins.

He stared at the ceiling above him and let out a breath. He blinked, eyes still feeling heavy. He wanted to go back to sleep. But who knew when he’d blink awake again if he did? Or where. He found that he was very afraid of the prospect of making his way up the mountain, slipping into an episode, and wandering back down. He had an odd fear of this happening over and over, keeping him away from the Cloud Recesses indefinitely.

The rolls of anxiousness that developed in his stomach was enough to reduce some of the heaviness in his limbs. He sat up and quickly redid his hair. He pulled on his outer robes and his shoes, hastily making his way down to the innkeeper. “Thank you for doing what I asked,” he said, digging in his pockets. He took the rest of his money out, more than what it would have cost to stay there, and gave it to the man. If he was going to Gusu Lan, he wouldn’t need money.

The innkeeper stared at the money, wide-eyed. “Oh, no, I don’t need—”

“Can I leave my donkey here for a few days? She doesn’t need much. Just a roof and some delicious hay.”

The man stared at the money, then looked back at Wei Wuxian. He nodded once. “Just a few days.”

“Thank you,” he said sincerely. “I will be back for her. Or—someone will be. I appreciate your efforts.”

The man nodded again and bowed.

Wei Wuxian nodded back and rushed out. He glanced towards the stables and regretted leaving her a little, but he couldn’t find it in himself to feel too badly. She’d honestly probably prefer to be in this predicament than rushed up the side of a mountain by Wei Wuxian. She was too slow for the pace he needed to go anyway.

He rushed through Caiyi, not stopping like he normally would to chat with the shopkeepers and look at what they were selling. He hadn’t even stoped to get any Emperor’s Smile, which definitely made a pang sound off in his heart. He would kill for some of that alcohol at the moment. But his urgency and his own worries were stronger at the moment. So was his longing heart.

When he reached the base of the mountain, at the mouth of the pathway, his feet began to ache again in protest, still unrecovered from the walking he had done the day before. His urgency also seemed to fade. He was unsure why. He had expected another burst of energy to flow through his veins when he saw the mountain, being so close yet so far. But as he stood there, he felt the exhaustion creep back into him.

He supposed it was maybe a mixture of dreadful anticipation of trekking uphill for that long with the pangs he was feeling and the sweet, balmy relief he felt simply at the thought of being with Lan Wangji. The Cloud Recesses were never a place of inviting warmth for Wei Wuxian, but it was more familiar to him than Lanling, or the Unclean Realm. The only other places that might have been more familiar were Lotus Pier or the Burial Mounds. However, both of those places held haunting memories that still made Wei Wuxian jolt awake in the middle of the night.

The Cloud Recesses, however, only held warm memories for Wei Wuxian, when he really thought about it. This only made that relief stronger, so strong it made his bones heavy with it. Perhaps if he had an episode on the side of the mountain, he’d remember where he was more easily than in places like Carp Tower and a beaten path in Moling. This simple fact alone made him want to collapse in ease.

He took a step forward and began his journey up the mountain.

Wei Wuxian had not found any kind of pattern with his episodes. It would happen very suddenly, seemingly with no warning. One moment, he’d be awake, the next, he felt as though he was waking up from a deep sleep. The only constant was that it happened and that he always felt as if he had no idea where he was, even though he knew he should have. He didn’t know what he’d present to the Lans when he arrived, only that he needed help.

As he made his way up the mountain, he wanted it to be mindless. He didn’t want to think about the way his stomach cramped at the pace, that his head was pounding, or that he hadn’t had a drink of water in who knows how long. He wasn’t even sure of when the last time he ate was. He very frequently felt ill after waking up from an episode and had very little appetite. He had been traveling almost non-stop since leaving Carp Tower. He thought that maybe, if he hadn’t eaten during an episode, that he may have had a bowl of congee or two. Everything tasted like ash.

Wei Wuxian did have to pause for breath a few times, hand catching on the side of a cliff, fingers gripping into the stone and dirt. A few times, he saw some bunnies hopping along the grass, and every time, Wei Wuxian’s heart gave a little jump, and the borrowed energy they gave him pushed him further and further up the mountain.

By the time he reached the gate, his breath was heavy, there was sweat on his brow and dripping down his back. His body was hunched forward, too weak to carry itself upright anymore. He stopped a few paces away from the disciples guarding it, who were watching him in surprise.

He rested his hands on his knees. “Hello,” he practically wheezed. “I’m Wei Wuxian.”

They stared at him. “We know,” one of them said.

“Great,” he said earnestly, peaking up at them. “Truly, that’s good to hear. I won’t have to convince you.”

Their eyebrows furrowed, as if asking, ‘why would you have to prove it?’

Wei Wuxian didn’t really know why, but it had been a fear. Essentially, anything that might have happened that would hinder his entrance to the Cloud Recesses made him worry. However, now that he was at least in the presence of Lan disciples, who would surely not leave him to die, he felt much better. Although, he wasn’t sure what he was like when he slipped into an episode. Maybe he seemed quite normal and they would let him wander back down.

“May I enter?” He asked breathlessly. “I’d like to—I’d like to see Hanguang-jun.”

They glanced at each other. “Um, his excellency is quite busy. We aren’t sure if he’s available.”

“That’s ok,” he said quickly. “I don’t mean to bother him. I just mean…Can I come in? Can I come? I’ll go anywhere and stay anywhere and I’ll simply wait until he is available. I just want to talk to him.”

One of them nodded. “Okay, Wei-gongzi. Changming will take you to the guest quarters.”

Wei Wuxian nodded gratefully. “Many thanks.”

Lan Changming gestured for him to follow. Wei Wuxian eagerly entered through the gate. Although he felt as if he may pass away from exhaustion, getting past that barrier was such a massive win for Wei Wuxian’s fragile heart that he felt as if he could surely climb more steps. All he could think about was falling head first into a soft, Gusu Lan bed amongst their white, dark wood, and blue interior designs. It had always been quite cozy, yet still cool. Their rooms were a delicate balance between soothing and comfortable. Simply thinking about it made Wei Wuxian woozy with the prospect of shutting his eyes. He was afraid that if he blinked, he wouldn’t open his eyes again.

Lan Changming remained quiet.

“Lan Changming, huh?” Wei Wuxian said conversationally, aware that his breath was much heavier than the man beside him.

“Yes,” he said politely.

“How come you all are just letting me in, huh?” He asked inquisitively. “I thought for sure you all would rather me stay a great distance away from here.”

Lan Changming’s mouth twitched, although he tried not to show it. “Well, Wei-gongzi, Hanguang-jun has told us that we should let you in immediately if you were to come.”

If that didn’t warm Wei Wuxian right down to his toes, nothing would. “Oh,” he said, voice a breath.

They exchanged no more words for several moments.

“Do you know when Hanguang-jun will be available?” Wei Wuxian asked, trying not to sound too desperate. “Or when he’s normally available? Or…I don’t know.”

“I’m not entirely certain of his excellency’s schedule,” he responded, honestly. “Even if I did, I could not be certain that it would be the same today.”

Wei Wuxian nodded. “That’s fair.” If it came to it, Wei Wuxian would just barge his way into the Jingshi if he had to. He was just shameless enough to do so.

“He will be notified of your arrival,” Lan Changming said. “Hanguang-jun prefers it if we immediately tell him who has entered the Cloud Recesses.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Wei Wuxian said. “Don’t bother him with my presence until he has the time.”

“Sorry, Wei-gongzi, it’s our orders.”

“You can still tell him,” Wei Wuxian argued. “Just wait a bit, why don’t you? He’ll still have to wait to see me anyway, right? Why burden him with the prospect of having to attend to a guest while in the middle of such important business?”

Lan Changming said nothing.

Wei Wuxian sighed and let it go. If he was honest, he rather didn’t mind the prospect of Lan Wangji seeing him as soon as possible. At this point, being this close, Wei Wuxian felt quite impatient to see him. The only thing stopping him from rushing to wherever he was right now was the fact that he may collapse as soon as he saw him.

The guest quarters really did seem so far away in that moment. It felt like the journey would never end. Particularly in the presence of a shy Lan disciple. Wei Wuxian imagined being escorted by someone like Lan Jingyi would have made for a fairly lively stroll. Wei Wuxian was looking forward to seeing the juniors as well. Although, they were not quite juniors anymore. Lan Sizhui would always be a junior to Wei Wuxian, however. If Lan Jingyi kept his personality the way it was now, he thought he would have a difficult time not seeing Lan Jingyi as a junior either.

Eventually, Lan Changming brought him to a stop at a room situated by a few others. There did not seem to be many guests in the Cloud Recesses at the time, which Wei Wuxian was honestly grateful for. Less people to accidentally disturb. Both consciously and unconsciously.

When Wei Wuxian was alone, he immediately collapsed onto the bed. He hadn’t even taken off his boots or slid under the covers. He face planted and shut his eyes immediately. It took him no time to fall asleep. He could only hope that when his body woke up, his mind did, too.

Wei Wuxian’s body jerked what felt like only moments later. The crust in his eyes was enough for him to know that he had slept for some time at least, but his body felt so exhausted that it was like he had slept for only a few moments. His heart was pounding in his chest, reminiscent of the nightmare he had just had. The feeling of falling backwards, not knowing how far he was from the ground, the last thing he saw being Lan Wangji’s horrified face…it was enough to spark a fire in his veins. It lit him from the inside out.

He pushed himself up, feeling sticky with sweat. His heart was quivering in his chest, the feeling of that memory so heavy, so real, that it was making his head swim. He pressed his hand to his head. It was a familiar feeling. It often happened around the time he’d slip into unconsciousness. This made a new fire light up his bones.

He stood up, pressing his hands to his temples. He began to bounce on his feet, hoping to get blood flow to every inch of his body. He forced his eyes open and looked at the wall. “I see a window with a white screen,” he croaked. His eyes roamed. “I see a door with intricate designs. I smell wood and fragrance. I smell my own sweat. I can feel my robes sticking to me. I can feel my hands pressing on my head. I can hear—I can hear—” His mind raced for something to grasp onto. “I can hear myself. I can hear my blood pounding.” For some reason, himself being the only thing he could hear made the anxiousness rise like a tsunami in his stomach.

One hand groped around his waist and he clutched Chenqing. He immediately brought it to his lips, hands shaking as he adjusted his fingers and began to play a high note, in the key of a tune that constantly played in his heart. He shut his eyes and focused only on the sound of his di zi. The way it pierced his ears on the higher notes and sunk into his chest on the lower notes was able to ground him just enough for his heart to stop pounding so wildly in his chest.

Just as his heart was returning back to normal, the door to his room opened. He dropped Chenqing and it clattered to the floor with a crack that made him cringe a bit. He turned, heart in his throat.

“Wei Ying.”

Wei Wuxian’s chest heaved, both in shock and delight. “Lan Zhan,” he breathed.

Lan Wangji stepped into the room, tall and bright. The sun was hitting just right into the guest quarters, making everything into a bright white, including Lan Wangji’s robes.

“You’re here,” Wei Wuxian choked out. His hands ached to reach out, but they stayed glued to his side. “You’re here.”

“You’re here,” Lan Wangji murmured, stepping fully into the room. He shut the door behind him, and the light dimmed, but was still shining through the white of the window screens.

“Yes,” Wei Wuxian said, voice hoarse. Now that he was here, he didn’t know where to begin or what to say. Suddenly, a lump formed in his throat. The relief he felt was so intense, so palpable, that all he wanted to do was fall at his feet and beg for Lan Wangji to take care of him and fix his problems and take away the misery that crept in his bones like rot.

Lan Wangji watched him in silence for a moment, gauging him. He eventually sighed and took another step forward. He reached out and rested his hand against the side of his face. His thumb rested against his cheek. Wei Wuxian leaned into the touch, absolutely demolished. When had he last touched another person?

Hands finally moving, he reached up and placed his hand over Lan Wangji’s, and with his other hand, gripped his wrist. He thought if Lan Wangji pulled away, he really might die.

“Wei Ying?”

Wei Wuxian opened his eyes. He had not known he had closed them.

“Oh, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said. Only when he spoke did it enter into his brain that he actually was crying and it wasn’t simply a lump in his throat.

“What’s wrong?” Lan Wangji asked, voice urgent as he stepped closer. With his other hand, he pressed against the other side of Wei Wuxian’s face.

Wei Wuxian also stepped further into his space. He let go of Lan Wangji’s hand and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He pressed his face into Lan Wangji’s robe, at his collarbone. “Help me,” he said miserably. “Please.”

“What?” Lan Wangji said desperately. “What is it? Tell me what I need to do.” He seemed quite bewildered. Wei Wuxian could not blame him. He had likely been informed of Wei Wuxian’s arrival, prepared for a casual visit and instead walked in on him having a mental breakdown.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Wei Wuxian breathed.

“Tell me what’s going on.” Lan Wangji pulled away and Wei Wuxian felt a little bit desperate. But Lan Wangji simply maneuvered him back to sit on the bed. Wei Wuxian went pliantly as Lan Wangji knelt in front of him. He had his left hand on Wei Wuxian’s arm and his right hand on his face again. He looked at him carefully, as if assessing damage. “Are you hurt?”

“No,” Wei Wuxian said, voice hoarse. He wiped the tears off of his cheek. He hadn’t quite known how miserable he had felt until he was suddenly in the presence of Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji always made him feel less burdened. It was hard to acknowledge the burden that weighed on his shoulders when he was the only person who was carrying it. Lan Wangji always had shouldered some of it for him.

“I’m not hurt,” Wei Wuxian reiterated. “But something’s wrong with me and I don’t know what. I think I may be cursed.”

“What’s the problem?” Lan Wangji asked anxiously.

Wei Wuxian reached out and held his face in his hands. “Oh, Lan Zhan.” He took a moment just to look at his face. He had missed him so sincerely. It had felt like such a long time. He swallowed. “I’m having these…episodes. I don’t know what to call them. I’ll be doing something quite ordinary, like walking, or eating, or even sleeping, I think, and I’ll suddenly go unconscious, but my body remains awake.”

Lan Wangji frowned.

“I…For example, I went to visit Jin Ling and at dinner, I just…blacked out. Only, Jin Ling said I just disappeared. I woke up in the gardens. I didn’t know where I was. I knew I was supposed to recognize everything, because it all seemed quite familiar, but…But I didn’t know where I was.”

Lan Wangji’s left hand, the one that was holding his arm, slid down to his wrist where he was looking to measure his qi. He frowned. “Your energy is normal.”

“Lan Zhan,” he said helplessly.

Lan Wangji looked back up at him. “How long has it been happening for?”

Wei Wuxian considered. He felt shame wash over him quite unexpectedly. When he spoke next, his voice was barely above a whisper. “About a month after we parted on the mountain.”

Lan Wangji’s fingers seemed to grow cold as he stilled. A moment later, however, he blinked and shifted. “Wei Ying, that is…it’s been happening for eight months?”

“Has it really been that long?” Wei Wuxian asked, somewhat desperately. “I haven’t seen you in nine months?”

Lan Wangji was looking at him intently. His gaze seemed to burn into him. “Tell me what else is happening.”

“I really don’t know,” he whispered, twisting his hand around to grasp Lan Wangji’s. “I don’t know. It happens quite frequently. More and more often and I wake up more and more confused. I don’t know what I do when I black out. I don’t know if I do anything. It seems that I just do ordinary things. I don’t wake up with injuries very often.”

“Very often?”

“I have woken up bleeding or bruised a few times,” he murmured, not meeting his gaze.

Lan Wangji’s hand tightened on his. “Why did you not come to me sooner?”

“I don’t—I don’t know,” Wei Wuxian said. “I didn’t think much of it at first. I think it mainly happens at night. I never knew the difference. I only really noticed something was wrong when I began to do it in broad daylight, when I’m awake.”

“No one has seen you? No one can tell you what you’ve been doing?”

Wei Wuxian shook his head. “No, I’ve spent all this time by myself, Lan Zhan, there’s no one to keep track of me. When Jin Ling said I just walked out of the dining hall and I didn’t recognize his gardens was when I thought something must be wrong, truly.”

Lan Wangji was silent for several moments. “Any other symptoms?”

“I just feel tired all the time. I imagine it’s because my body isn’t sleeping when my mind is.”

Lan Wangji looked particularly anguished for a moment.

Wei Wuxian made a noise in the back of his throat at the look on his face. He reached out with the hand that wasn’t already holding his, and grabbed his shoulder. “Please don’t look like that. I’m ok, really. I just need someone to watch me, see what I do when I have an episode. We can figure out what to do then.”

Lan Wangji took a moment and then nodded once. He stood, causing Wei Wuxian’s hands to slide away. He stepped to the other side of the room, where there was a jar of water and a basin. Wei Wuxian felt the loss of his presence immediately. He really hadn’t touched anybody in so long. He hadn’t touched Lan Wangji even longer. It was particularly terrible.

Lan Wangji poured water into the basin and dipped a cloth into it. Bringing the damp cloth back over, he knelt back into the same position. He wiped at Wei Wuxian’s brow gently, one hand on his knee. Wei Wuxian put his hand over the hand on his knee and shut his eyes.

“I’m so tired,” Wei Wuxian whispered.

Lan Wangji stood, but remained close. “Come with me.”

Wei Wuxian felt his bones protest and he hadn’t even moved a muscle. “Do I have to, Lan Zhan? I just said I’m exhausted, didn’t you hear?”

“Yes,” Lan Wangji said. “Come.”

“You aren’t going to take me to the doctors are you? I really would like to sleep first.” His eyes were still shut, but his face was tipped up towards where Lan Wangji was.

“Wei Ying,” he murmured, reaching out to grasp his hands and pull him up.

Wei Wuxian’s body followed the pull, not exerting a single ounce of energy to lift himself. Lan Wangji had lifted his entire body weight without a single puff of exertion. Wei Wuxian swooned in his heart a bit. He was too tired to do it physically.

Lan Wangji supported him and held him up when Wei Wuxian made no attempt to stand on his own. He made a small disapproving noise.

Wei Wuxian felt absolutely delighted. He smiled, leaning his head onto his shoulder. “Oh, Lan Zhan. You’re the one who lifted me up. You have to face the consequences.”

Wei Wuxian, with his eyes still closed, experienced a strong sense of vertigo and thought he was perhaps fainting, but it was really due to the fact that Lan Wangji had swept him up into his arms. Wei Wuxian’s eyes popped open in surprise and a sound of shock escaped his throat. “Lan Zhan.”

“I’m facing the consequences,” he said flatly.

If Wei Wuxian was delighted before, he was properly elated now. He laughed and rested his head back on his shoulder, turning his nose into the robes. “I missed you so much, Lan Zhan.”

Lan Wangji’s hands tightened where he held him. He swept down quickly to grab Chenqing, not fumbling with Wei Wuxian even a bit. Wei Wuxian grabbed it from his hand and tucked it back into his belt.

“Where are you taking me?”

“Back to the Jingshi,” he said simply.

“Really?” Wei Wuxian asked, twisting to look at his face. “Why?”

“To watch, if an episode occurs.”

Wei Wuxian didn’t think that was really why, but he wouldn’t stare a gift horse in the mouth. He smiled and settled back in his arms. “You’re going to carry me like this in broad daylight?”

“Yes.”

Wei Wuxian grinned and shut his eyes, completely unable to not full body relax like this. He felt that even if this problem never went away, it wasn’t nearly as miserable as it had been before.

There was no commotion as Lan Wangji walked him back to the Jingshi. Wei Wuxian had dozed on his shoulder, so he really couldn’t be sure if they had even passed anybody on the way back to Lan Wangji’s rooms. “Did the disciples not tell you right away that I was here?”

“What do you mean? How long have you been here?” He voice was carefully stilled water, with currents raging beneath the surface. It was like an icy river.

“I must have been here for a few hours, based on the light,” Wei Wuxian murmured. “I asked them not to tell you right away so I wouldn’t bother you. I didn’t think they’d listen.”

“Nobody told me you were here,” he said darkly. “I heard you.”

“You heard me?”

“Playing Chenqing.”

Wei Wuxian smiled again. He hadn’t smiled this many times in such a short period since he had left Lan Wangji on the mountain. “You heard me playing your song.”

“Mm,” Lan Wangji murmured in disagreement. “Your song.”

“Mine?” Wei Wuxian asked, confused. He opened his eyes to look at him and noticed they were approaching the Jingshi. Lan Wangji said nothing as he made his way up the steps. He slid open the door and kicked it shut with his foot. He gently sat Wei Wuxian on the bed and went to the other side of the room, behind the privacy screen.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said, when he still didn’t answer. “What do you mean mine? You were the one who wrote it.”

Lan Wangji was quiet, and the only sound Wei Wuxian could hear was of water being poured into a tub. He could see the flash of a talisman, which must have been a heating talisman. He stepped back around the privacy screen and approached Wei Wuxian.

“Why won’t you answer me?” He pouted, following Lan Wangji with his gaze as he knelt in front of him. He began removing his shoes. Leaning down, Wei Wuxian stopped his hands. “Ah, you don’t have to do that, Lan Zhan.”

Lan Wangji looked up at him.

Wei Wuxian smiled at him sweetly. “You’re so indulgent, Lan Zhan. I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” He swatted Lan Wangji’s hands away and removed his shoes. “You drew me a bath and everything. You really are too kind to me.”

He still said nothing.

Wei Wuxian stood and undid his vambraces as he made his way over to the privacy screen. He pulled the ribbon out of his hair and set his accessories down on the table with Lan Wangji’s water jar and basin. “You still haven’t answered me.”

Lan Wangji was watching him. “Wei Ying,” he said.

Wei Wuxian looked over at him. He didn’t speak, afraid that what would leave his mouth would be much, much too telling of the whispers in his heart.

“I wrote it for you, Wei Ying. It’s yours.”

Wei Wuxian blew out a breath. He felt like crying.

Lan Wangji stood from where he had been on the floor. He approached him and brushed his fingers along his face, standing so close that it made Wei Wuxian’s skin feel as if it was on fire.

Wei Wuxian did not meet his gaze, and instead stared at the threaded clouds on his robe. He loved that Lan Wangji had clouds on his robes. He didn’t know why. All Lan disciples did. It just looked different on Lan Wangji. It really looked like the clouds when they decorated Hanguang-jun. “You sang it for me in the cave. You wrote it for me all the way back then?” Did his voice really sound like that? It was absolutely wrecked. How embarrassing.

Lan Wangji’s fingers trailed down to the base of his jaw so he could cradle his face in his hand. “Yes,” he said. “All the way back then.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes, already full, spilled over when he finally glanced up at him. His voice was a whisper. “Why did we ever part on that mountain, Lan Zhan? I don’t think I’ve had an ounce of fun since then.”

Lan Wangji’s eyes seemed to soften as his thumb brushed along his jaw. “I asked myself that question many times, from the moment you disappeared from my vision. I came to the conclusion that being on the same path as someone does not always mean that two have to physically be beside each other. I do not feel that I chose this path with you, the same way I don’t think you chose it either. We were just born to be on the same path together. I don’t think physical distance could change that.”

Wei Wuxian’s tears did not slow. He pressed his forehead to his chest as his shoulders shook. “Maybe you’re right. I’d still rather be near.” The truth of that ripped through his chest like a blade. The feeling of it was so strong he didn’t know how to express it. Wei Wuxian had asked Lan Wangji to help, but above all, he really was asking for him not to leave him alone again.

Lan Wangji’s hand that had been on his face, drifted towards the back of his neck, underneath his hair, as he pressed him closer. With his other arm, he settled it at Wei Wuxian’s waist. “Yes,” he said. “I would prefer that, as well.”

Wei Wuxian turned his face to press into his neck. He took a deep breath, basking in his presence and closeness for as long as he could. He soaked it in like the dew dried in the morning sun. He sniffed. “I don’t know what I do when I’m unconscious. I’ve been quite hesitant to find out. If I do something to hurt someone, or you…Promise me you’ll subdue me, that you won’t let me hurt anyone.”

“Wei Ying,” he murmured, sounding pained.

“I can’t always tell when it will happen. You’ll have to be vigilant. Or whoever it is that watches me. Please, Lan Zhan, I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“I will not let you hurt anyone.”

“Including you,” he said firmly, pulling back to look him in the eye. “Especially you. I don’t care if you have to be a little bit violent with me. It would be less painful than waking up and realizing I hurt you. Do you understand?”

Lan Wangji was frowning, but he nodded.

Wei Wuxian smiled and couldn’t help but reach back in to press his nose back to his throat for just a moment. He tilted his head up so his nose brushed across his jaw. If his lips also brushed along his pulse point for just a moment, then it was what it was. Lan Wangji’s hands quivered against him.

“Thanks for heating the bath for me,” Wei Wuxian murmured, pulling away. He turned and went behind the privacy screen before he took anything too far. He stripped out of his robes and immediately sank into the water. It wasn’t that he hadn’t bathed in a long time, but he definitely had picked up a lot of grime and sweat from rushing from Lanling to Gusu.

Lan Wangji began playing the guqin at the desk in the center of the room. That familiar sound, in this familiar place, with Lan Wangji’s familiar presence made that sweet, coolness of relief seep into Wei Wuxian’s skin. Even if the next time he opened his eyes he hadn’t known what he had done the past few hours, he’d wake up to Lan Wangji, the most familiar thing to him. And even if, hatefully, Wei Wuxian didn’t recognize him at first, he knew that he soon would, and that he’d be safe in every moment of confusion in-between.

After Wei Wuxian was clean, dressed and cozy, the sun was beginning to go down. It wasn’t nearly late enough for either of them to go to bed, but it was unspoken between them that Wei Wuxian would be retiring soon. Now, however, they sat at the table where Lan Wangji had just been playing his instrument, eating food that had been brought to the Jingshi.

“So, did you just ditch all of your duties when you heard me?” Wei Wuxian asked, mouth full of food. He hadn’t eaten a proper meal, or even wanted to, in several days.

“I did not ditch them,” Lan Wangji said, already finished with his food. Wei Wuxian had been stuffing his face for quite a while. Lan Wangji was busying himself with refilling Wei Wuxian’s bowl and refilling his water cup. (He had firmly decided Wei Wuxian would have neither tea nor alcohol until he was fully rehydrated. He had not been happy to learn of when Wei Wuxian had last drank and eaten.)

“What’d you do then, huh?” He had to bite his tongue on calling Lan Wangji every term of endearment he knew. It was an odd impulse, one he’d never had before.

Lan Wangji’s ears seemed to turn a light shade of pink. He did not meet Wei Wuxian’s gaze, which was just as well, because Wei Wuxian was busy gaping at his ears in delighted shock. “I told them that I would be taking the rest of the day off. I delegated the rest of the day’s work.”

Wei Wuxian’s heart squeezed. Having food and water, despite his undeniable bodily depletion, made him sincerely more energized and jovial. “Oh, Lan Zhan,” he said fondly. “I could just—I don’t know. You’re just the best, Lan Zhan. I missed you so much.”

Lan Wangji’s lips twitched upwards and his ears became even redder.

“Oh, you’re so cute,” Wei Wuxian whispered desperately. “I like you so much.” He had not known any of those words were going to come out of his mouth. Wei Wuxian’s own face felt flushed and he looked back down at his bowl to stuff his face.

Lan Wangji, apparently in shock, took a few moments to recover. When he did, his voice was a little hoarse. “Wei Ying, you should rest.”

“I will,” he promised, still a little embarrassed. “I just want to finish this.”

Lan Wangji stood up as Wei Wuxian finished scarfing it down. When he was finished, he set all of his empty dishes back onto the tray and stood shakily, body still weak and exhausted. He stared at Lan Wangji, who had began making up his own bed. “You want me to sleep here?”

Lan Wangji looked at him, like it was obvious. “You said you believe your episodes occur in the middle of the night, correct?”

“Yes,” he choked. “But you can’t watch me all night. What about your own rest? You’re so important and you need to sleep at nine, like you’re used to.”

Lan Wangji shook his head. “I can still rest and make sure you’re safe. I will meditate.”

“You will not meditate all night and call it rest!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed. “No way. No way. Get some other disciple to watch me and I’ll sleep in the guest quarters.”

Lan Wangji looked a little hurt by that.

Wei Wuxian backpedaled immediately, not expecting that expression to cross his face. “U-Um, or I could stay here, if that’s what you want. But you can’t just meditate. I’ll be ok. You should still sleep. I’ll—” He whirled around, looking for another place to sleep. “I can sleep on the cushions for the table. I don’t mind.”

Lan Wangji came over to him and gripped his wrist. He dragged him over to the bed. “No. You will sleep on the bed.”

“But what about you?” He asked desperately.

Lan Wangji stared at him.

Wei Wuxian suddenly felt a little silly. His throat seemed to close as he began to speak. “You should just sleep with me.”

Lan Wangji’s ears reddened again.

Wei Wuxian felt his own neck heat up. “I mean—Just…I’ve known you since I was a teenager. You’re my soulmate. We can sleep in the same bed, right?”

Lan Wangji said nothing, but nodded once.

Wei Wuxian laughed a little hysterically. He pretended everything was normal, for his own sake, and crawled into the bed first. He tucked himself against the back of it and looked up at him. Lan Wangji was staring at him. “Obviously it’s still early,” he said, voice a wisp. “You can just join me whenever you’re ready.”

Lan Wangji hesitated for one moment longer before he went to blow out the candles that were lighting the room. He came back to the bed and crawled in. “I’m ready now.”

Wei Wuxian laughed a little breathlessly as Lan Wangji situated himself and pulled the covers up over the both of them. He watched him silently in the dark as his eyes began to adjust. “You’ll definitely be able to sleep now,” he murmured. “If I do have an episode, I’ll have to crawl over you to get out, so you’d definitely be alerted.”

“Mm,” Lan Wangji said.

Wei Wuxian smiled as he rolled onto his side. He tucked his elbow underneath his head as he looked at the outline of Lan Wangji. “You’re tired, Lan Zhan?”

“I could sleep now,” he said instead.

Wei Wuxian laughed again, just a few breaths through his nose. “So honest, my Lan Zhan.”

Lan Wangji glanced at him from his position on his back. They were only a few inches apart, but it felt like a gaping chasm. “Yours?”

Wei Wuxian’s smile dropped slowly. He looked at him seriously. “I guess not,” he murmured. “You are your own. But I’ve always liked to think that you were a little bit mine. My zhiji, anyway. That at least.”

Lan Wangji looked back up at the ceiling. Wei Wuxian watched him, and could not tell if the shine on his eyes was just because Hanguang-jun was always bright, or if his eyes were growing wet. “I am,” he murmured, lips barely moving. “All of it. All of me. Yours.”

Wei Wuxian’s own eyes definitely grew wet. He bit back his tears; swallowed them down. “Really?”

Lan Wangji looked at him again. His eyes were surely wet. “Aren’t I so honest, Wei Ying?”

Wei Wuxian smiled and shuffled closer, unable to help it. He pressed his chest along Lan Wangji’s side. “So honest, my Lan Zhan,” he repeated. He wrapped his arms around Lan Wangji’s arm and pressed his nose into his shoulder. I can see the thread of Lan Wangji’s robes, he thought. I can see the outline of his face in the dark. I can smell the fragrance of sandalwood. I can feel Lan Wangji’s heartbeat from his wrist. I can feel the rise and fall of his chest. Wei Wuxian pushed his face in closer. The very dredges of his soul seemed to settle. I can hear him breathe.

__________

Wei Wuxian opened his eyes. Or, it felt like he had when his eyes opened after a brief blink. He was sitting upright, a table in front of him. There was food in small, nicely made bowls, and small cups of tea next to a teapot. His heart flew into his throat, chest immediately tightening. Where was he? It all looked familiar. It was like he was hovering above himself and his body was what knew where he was.

His breath quickened, but he bit down on his tongue. Chest tightening, his eyes darted around the room. It looked so, so familiar. He knew he was supposed to know where he was. He knew that he was meant to recognize it, but he couldn’t name where he was, or what he was meant to be doing. He only knew that he was supposed to know and he didn’t. He couldn’t remember what he had been doing before, only that he saw blackness before, and now saw this familiarly unfamiliar place.

“Wei Ying?” A soft voice asked.

Looking over, Wei Wuxian’s eyes trailed up past the table and fell on white robes. He glanced up and saw a smooth, perfect face. Dark hair spilled over his shoulders and framed his face, which had lines of worry across his brow and around his mouth. Wei Wuxian felt disoriented for another moment, but he knew this face. “Lan Zhan,” he said, voice a croak.

His breath came quicker, somehow more upset than he had been before now that Lan Wangji was here. Maybe it was because it was now safe to panic. When he was alone, he had to remain level-headed. He had to tamper down his feelings of anxiousness and fear, otherwise he’d be driven away by the villages he stayed in for acting mad.

Lan Wangji stood and rounded the table quickly before kneeling at his side. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Wei Wuxian grabbed his arm tightly, chest heaving. “Where are we? Where are we? I don’t know where I am.”

Lan Wangji frowned and pressed his fingers to Wei Wuxian’s wrist. His frown deepened. “We are in the Jingshi, Wei Ying.”

“The Jingshi,” Wei Wuxian mouthed, glancing around the room. Sunlight was brightening the screens on the windows, illuminating the room in white light. Outside, there was an ornament that hung in front of the window, and its shadow casted itself into the room against the wall. “The Jingshi,” he said out loud. “I know this place.”

“Yes,” Lan Wangji said patiently.

The memories of it all, and the name itself, trickled back into Wei Wuxian’s mind slowly, like honey being dolloped into a cup of tea. It seemed to start at his head and trickle down his shoulders until it reached his feet. It all came back the way feeling crept back into your arm after you had slept on it wrong for hours.

His breath was still heavy, and Lan Wangji laid a gentle hand on his chest. “Breathe, Wei Ying.”

Wei Wuxian listened to his advice and forced himself to take long, deep breaths instead of short, shallow ones. Eventually, the fire-like panic that was inside of him slowly simmered into a warm heat at the back of his neck. Wei Wuxian stared at the spot on Lan Wangji’s robes that had the threaded clouds. It was a calming design. Wei Wuxian had always liked them. He liked that they were a light blue so soft it was almost white itself, the way that snow sometimes looked blue.

He swallowed, not lifting his gaze. “What happened? What did I do?”

“Nothing,” Lan Wangji said seriously. “After your nightmare, you didn’t go back to sleep. You sat in bed for quite some time, staring at the wall. I stayed awake with you. After about an hour, you stood up and tried to leave—”

“Wait,” Wei Wuxian said, shutting his eyes as he wracked his brain for what he remembered last. “Wait. What nightmare?”

Lan Wangji did not speak for a moment. “You had a nightmare last night. You were shaking and breathing heavily, so it woke me up.”

Wei Wuxian did not remember a nightmare.

“You sat up very suddenly and continued shaking for several minutes before you went completely still.”

Wei Wuxian frowned and thought back very hard. “Lan Zhan…I don’t remember having a nightmare. I didn’t say what it was?”

“No, Wei Ying. After you calmed down, you were catatonic.”

The same fear gripped his heart and with the hand that was still holding Lan Wangji’s arm, his hold tightened. His other hand gathered Lan Wangji’s robes at his forearm. “I don’t remember anything, Lan Zhan. The last thing I remember is going to sleep. I was awake the whole time?”

“Your body was.” Lan Wangji’s voice was carefully even. “I did not stop you from leaving the Jingshi. You walked around for some time, but I led you back in so you wouldn’t catch a cold.”

Wei Wuxian couldn’t stop the helpless breath of laughter that escaped him. “So thoughtful.”

“You wandered the Jingshi for a while, then sat down at the table. You have not moved since. I tried to see if you would eat, but you would not.”

Wei Wuxian finally looked up to meet his gaze. Only when he noticed he couldn’t quite focus on Lan Wangji’s eyes did he realize that his body was shaking. “Please.” He didn’t know what he was asking for. His brain was spiraling down a path that only made his chest tighten in fear.

Lan Wangji looked concerned. He still had one hand on Wei Wuxian’s wrist and the other on his chest. “Your qi is normal. I don’t sense any resentful energy in you.”

Without any warning from his own mind or body, Wei Wuxian’s chest began to heave again. He pressed his face into Lan Wangji’s shoulder, near his collar, and began to cry. “Help me.”

Lan Wangji put his arms around him, one hand on the back of his head. He also seemed to be shaking. “You said it started about eight months ago.”

“Yes,” he whispered, willing his tears to stop.

“It hasn’t happened before, even once? Or anything like it?”

Wei Wuxian thought back. “I don’t know, Lan Zhan…Back in the Burial Mounds, I would sometimes get a little lost in my head, but it was never like this. I’d be working on talismans and suddenly stop and stare at the wall for I don’t know how long. I’d very suddenly snap out of it, but I could still tell you what I was thinking and still give an estimate for how long I spaced out for. This is much different.”

“We should speak to the doctors,” he said seriously, fingers stroking through Wei Wuxian’s hair.

Wei Wuxian did not want to, but he nodded. “Can I have a bit? I just…need to get my bearings.”

“Anything you need.” His voice was a caress. He did not move from his position and continued to brush his fingers through Wei Wuxian’s hair.

Wei Wuxian shut his eyes and leaned into him further. He moved his arms from where they had been grabbing onto Lan Wangji, and shifted so that he was curled into his chest. Barely even thinking about it, he opened his eyes and said in a whisper, “I can see Lan Zhan’s robes. I can see the table and the congee on it. I can feel the ground beneath me, and the cushion at my feet. I can feel Lan Zhan’s hands.” For a reason unbeknownst to him, Wei Wuxian’s throat tightened at those words. When he spoke next, his voice was shaky. “I can smell the food on the table and smell the firewood.” He turned his nose further into Lan Wangji’s robes, where he had gone almost completely still. “I can smell the fragrant oils from Lan Zhan’s hair. I can hear the fire crackling.” He turned and rested the side of his head against his chest. “I can hear his heart beating.”

“Wei Ying?” He eventually asked, voice strangled.

“It helps me calm down,” Wei Wuxian explained softly. He felt significantly more at ease now, tucked into Lan Wangji’s arms and all of the things he listed at the forefront of his mind. He knew what all of the things he listed were, and what they were called, and that was a comfort to him. “It helps me to remember things and to know that I remember them. Even if I don’t know where I am when I open my eyes, at least I know what the sound of water is, or the sound of the wind in the trees.”

Lan Wangji’s arms tightened. “We will figure it out. I promise.”

“I know you will, Lan Zhan. I trust you.” Wei Wuxian leaned back. “I feel much better now,” he said faintly, turning to the table. He looked at the contents and noticed Lan Wangji had not touched his food either. “Hey, how come you didn’t eat anything? Just because I couldn’t doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

Lan Wangji stayed in the same spot for a few more moments before he made his way back to the other side of the table. He wordlessly began setting food into Wei Wuxian’s bowl. “I was worried.”

Wei Wuxian smiled as he stared at his bowl slowly grow in size. He picked up his chopsticks and began putting the food into his mouth. It wasn’t warm anymore. It was somewhat cold, actually, but he didn’t mind. He was actually quite hungry. “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, you don’t need to worry about me. There isn’t anything to worry about with you on the case.”

Lan Wangji only shook his head.

Wei Wuxian’s smile widened as he silently ate the food given to him. He felt a little numb now. It was emotionally draining, to get such little sleep, wake up in a body that was already awake, and then proceed to have crippling panic grip his heart. It made him so tired, but he was afraid of sleeping again.

Lan Wangji was eating silently across from him.

In the quiet of the Jingshi, and in his emotionally numb state, Wei Wuxian murmured, “Sometimes I think that maybe it’s this body I came back in.”

Lan Wangji stopped eating. He stared at him, looking stricken.

Wei Wuxian blinked at him, not expecting that expression. He, however, continued to explain. He spoke the secret fear of his heart like he was whispering into depths of the sea, hoping both that someone would hear and that it would be drowned in the waves. “Sometimes I think that maybe, now that I’ve done what I was brought back for, I’m being forced out. That I wasn’t ever meant to come back for good, and was only meant to be here in order to exact Mo Xuanyu’s revenge.”

Lan Wangji stared at him, face going blank. It slowly morphed into a smooth, jade-like appearance. It looked indifferent, but Wei Wuxian knew him.

“I’m sorry,” Wei Wuxian whispered. “I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t know what will happen. But if that very thing I fear is actually the truth, then I’m sorry, Lan Zhan. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to leave you again.”

Lan Wangji abruptly stood, bowl clattering on the table. Wei Wuxian looked up at him, feeling his heart beat painfully in his chest. Lan Wangji looked down at him coldly. “If you’re sorry for it, then just don’t leave me again.”

Wei Wuxian stood, legs like jelly. He went to him, resting his hands on either side of his face. He stroked his cheek with his thumb. “Okay, Lan Zhan. I won’t then.”

Wei Wuxian said this, but he did not know if he would be able to carry it out. It didn’t feel like he was dying, necessarily, but would he, since this body was brought back the way that it was? Through the sacrifice of Mo Xuanyu? He did not know if dying would be different in this body, so there was no way for him to tell if that’s what was happening.

But he told Lan Wangji he wouldn’t, so he would at least try. Before he had arrived at Gusu, he had felt like as long as he was with Lan Wangji, he could handle this, whatever it was. He felt like he’d be able to bear it if he wasn’t alone. Now, though, he was afraid that he would have Lan Wangji and Lan Wangji would have Wei Wuxian, and then they’d have to part again.

Wei Wuxian, in his past life, had desperately tried to hold onto everyone he could. He tried to hold on to Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli and Wen Ning and Wen Qing and the Wens and then Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui, but it had all been in vain. He had tried to keep them all tucked close to his heart and for himself to be tucked close in theirs in return. In tucking the Wens close, he pushed his siblings and Lan Wangji away. In trying to keep Lan Wangji close, he pushed the Wens away, albeit in an emotional way. There was a part of him that knew he could not give all of himself to the Wens when he began to come to terms with the fact that most of him belonged to Lan Wangji. He had tried so ardently to divvy himself up evenly between all of those he held dear, when really, most of his heart was tucked up in the Cloud Recesses. It had been a difficult thing to reconcile, when before, his heart had belonged to Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng alone for so long.

Guilt had eaten him alive back then. He felt like he had failed everyone in trying to please them. He felt angry that those he loved did not understand his intentions and did not support him. His anger also filled him with guilt, particularly when that anger became destructive and had ended up hurting so many people he had loved. He knew that he hadn’t really killed Jin Zixuan. He knew that he hadn’t lost control at Nightless City. He knew those things, but it was in hindsight that he knew. His newfound knowledge did nothing to erase the experience of standing in front of those golden robes, blood blossoming across Jin Zixuan's chest. It did nothing to erase his horror, his bone-chilling terror at thinking he had lost control, that he had effectively ripped the heart out of his own sister’s chest and left his nephew fatherless. His knowledge now did nothing to get rid of what went through his mind as Wen Qing spoke her last words to him and then having to stumble upon the Wens hanging from the gates. It did nothing to stop his sister from dying in front of him, of watching his brother truly begin to hate him. It did nothing to stop that look in Lan Wangji’s eyes as he looked down at Wei Wuxian falling into the ravine.

In his attempt to hold onto these people, they all crumbled between his fingers. Knowing this and lamenting it in his heart every moment made him want to run away from anyone who tried to come near him. How could they not see? Wei Wuxian’s hands were mallets made to crush, his heart a poisonous stone that pumped venom through his veins.

But Lan Wangji was looking at him with that terrible expression on his face. So Wei Wuxian stayed, and he went with him to the doctors, and hoped that Lan Wangji would not be stung by the bite of the heart that belonged to him. He hadn’t even asked for it, yet Wei Wuxian had given it. He may have not even known that Wei Wuxian had pressed it into his hands all those years ago. He did not know what he held, what he carried, what was in his possession. And it was a curse of a thing.

Lan Wangji held his hand in his as he led him to the medical pavilions of the Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian felt a heaviness within him that was so burdensome it was beginning to make something collapse inside of him. He had felt so desperate to come here and see Lan Wangji. Now that he was here and with him, he somehow felt even farther away. There were many things he wanted in his heart, many things that he wanted peace from. It was unfair of him to expect Lan Wangji to alleviate it all. And now, in seeking him out, he opened the door for Lan Wangji to be victim once more to Wei Wuxian.

He sat on one of the beds as Lan Wangji stood beside him. He looked looming and large, like a huge statue guarding the entrance to a sacred cave. It made Wei Wuxian’s heart twist.

The same information Wei Wuxian had shared with Lan Wangji was shared with several of the doctors. They did not know any more than they did, by the end of it. They stared at him with severe, grim faces, but listened intently and asked very appropriate questions. They conferred with one another before sharing that they were also unsure of it all. Eventually, they had to send them away, telling Lan Wangji to bring him back if he slipped into another episode. They wanted to observe him in that state. It was a fair request.

Lan Wangji stared at Wei Wuxian as the doctors filtered out of the room. Wei Wuxian stared back.

Wei Wuxian eventually broke the silence. He slapped his hands on his thighs and stood. “Well. I guess we still don’t know anything. What’s on the agenda for today then, your excellency?”

“Nothing,” he said.

Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes a bit. “Don’t be silly. You can’t sit around and stare at me all day, waiting for something to happen. I can leave you alone for a while. Where are the kids? Are they here? I can visit them.”

Lan Wangji looked at him like he was hurt by his this, which made Wei Wuxian want to eat his words immediately, but he answered before Wei Wuxian could say anything. “They are here. They are teaching classes right now. You can visit them when they’re finished.”

Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but enter his space. He leaned against him. “Lan Zhan,” he murmured. “You know I want to be with you all the time. That I always have.”

“Do I?”

Wei Wuxian did not know what to say. “Well, yes. Yes, of course. You didn’t know that?”

“No,” he said easily.

Wei Wuxian’s brow furrowed. He had thought he had been quite obvious with it all. “Well, I don’t know where you got the idea that I didn’t. Quite an oversight, you know. What did you think I bothered you all the time for?”

“To annoy me.”

Wei Wuxian smiled up at him. “Well, yes. Because that was the only way to get you to pay attention to me.”

Lan Wangji’s ears reddened.

Wei Wuxian blew out a sigh and tugged on one of his ears. “I like that.”

Lan Wangji looked even more flustered and he walked away without another word. “Let’s go.”

“Wait,” Wei Wuxian said, following after him. “Wait, so what are we doing? Are you going to work? When are the kids finished teaching? Also, they’re teaching? That’s amazing!”

Lan Wangji glanced at him and paused right outside the doorway. “What do you want to do, Wei Ying?”

Wei Wuxian paused, surprised at the question. He stopped next to him. “Um, what do you mean?”

“Is there anything you’d like to do? While you wait for Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi to be done with classes.”

Wei Wuxian thought about it. He thought about seeing the bunnies, going to the Cold Springs, going back to the Jingshi…He thought about doing them alone and with Lan Wangji. He eventually came to a conclusion. “To be honest, Lan Zhan, I really don’t mind doing anything as long as I’m with you. If you have work to do, then I’d like to sit with you while you do it.”

Lan Wangji stared at him for several moments. “You won’t be bored?”

“I probably will be,” he said honestly. “But I don’t know. I think I could use some boredom right now. Everything has been much too exciting for me lately, and I’m getting quite old. I’d like to just relax with you for a while.”

He continued to look at Wei Wuxian, silent now. At first, Wei Wuxian thought maybe he was touched, but now he was being so quiet that Wei Wuxian thought maybe something else was going through his head. But his gaze suddenly softened, and his mouth did that thing where it didn’t move yet somehow looked like he was smiling.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said desperately, taking a step toward him. Why did he always seem so far away, even when they stood next to each other like this? Wei Wuxian was suddenly bombarded with a memory of sitting beneath a tree, seeing Lan Wangji pass by below and feeling the ache to run to him, only to remember everything that had happened since he lost his golden core.

“What is it?” He asked. He reached out and grabbed a lock of hair that was hanging in front of his face. He placed it neatly back beside his face, and let the tips of his fingers brush along Wei Wuxian’s cheekbone.

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Wei Wuxian said, laughing breathlessly. He turned away. “What kinds of things do you have to do, Lan Zhan? I’ll help with what I can, and stare at you dreamily while you do the rest.”

Lan Wangji huffed out an unimpressed breath and began walking. Wei Wuxian followed. “I have some correspondence to work on. My meetings for today have been postponed.”

“It’s not because of me, is it?”

“Not because of you,” Lan Wangji said. “But for you, yes.”

That was certainly a lovely way of putting it. Wei Wuxian loved him.

They walked in silence the rest of the way, where Lan Wangji normally completed his work. Wei Wuxian glanced around the familiar stone pathways, and softly colored buildings. He could see the library down a hill and he actually felt a feeling of fond joy creep through his chest at the sight. Familiar things that he could place right away held a now-dear space in Wei Wuxian’s heart.

He had been considering what might be an undeniable familiar thing. In other words, Carp Tower was not one of those things because he had familiarized himself with Carp Tower in young adulthood, so while he would know where to go and knew what it looked like, its familiarity wasn’t in him. The same could be said about other places, like the Unclean Realm, or even parts of Yiling or the Burial Mounds. The Cloud Recesses felt more familiar because he had been so young and because everything had still been quite nice back then. Wei Wuxian considered that maybe Lotus Pier would be the most familiar. But a niggling thought that always dug into him was that even Lotus Pier was not a place of origin for him. It was just where he had spent the most time. Would other places be more familiar, since it was where he was born? Would the streets, where he scrabbled for food and safety be more familiar? What did he have that was really his, really something that was homely and familiar?

Wei Wuxian came to a terrible realization that everything familiar to him was borrowed. The Jiangs and their home had been borrowed, his time in the Burial Mounds was borrowed, and now he had nothing. The next, kinder realization, one that made him feel warm and cool at the same time, was that the only thing that had never felt borrowed was Lan Wangji. He couldn’t place what the difference was. He couldn’t explain why he had felt he needed to earn his siblings’ affection, but not Lan Wangji's. He couldn’t explain why it was different with him either. It was just a simple truth.

Some time had passed and now Wei Wuxian was across from Lan Wangji, lying on the floor in front of his desk, feeling quite content. The sun was in just the right spot to illuminate the floor in front of Lan Wangji’s desk without hitting him, but it allowed Wei Wuxian to remain near and still bask in the light. Because of his dark robes, his clothes absorbed the heat as soon as it touched him, and it seeped into his bones like a broth.

Wei Wuxian felt like he was being tossed up and down. One moment he was sick with anguish and fear, the next he was happier than he had ever been.

“How’s Zewu-jun?” He asked quietly, not wanting to tarnish the peaceful atmosphere.

Lan Wangji did not falter in his brushstrokes along the paper. “Fine. I visit him weekly. He improves with every passing week, but he is still suffering.”

“Mm,” Wei Wuxian said, nodding. “I see. Do you think I could talk to him? Would he mind that? I haven’t seen him in quite some time.”

Lan Wangji glanced up at him then. “Of course. You can do whatever you want.”

Wei Wuxian smiled and rolled onto his stomach. He propped his elbows up and rested his chin in his hands. “Whatever I want, huh? You really mean that?”

“No one can stop you from doing what you want.”

Wei Wuxian nodded, pretending to be thoughtful. “Yes, you’re quite right, Lan Zhan. I could steal every bunny in the Cloud Recesses and bring them to the Jingshi and you’d let me, wouldn’t you?”

Lan Wangji looked back down at the letter. “Mm.”

Wei Wuxian smiled at him and watched the way his hair cascaded over his face as he tilted his head down slightly. His posture was perfect, of course, but he covered his face more than he normally would. Wei Wuxian figured out why when he caught a peek at his red ears.

Wei Wuxian was truly about to burst. He pushed himself all the way up and crawled over to Lan Wangji’s side, who did not move a muscle. He shuffled over until he was at his left side. He sat back on his knees and tucked his hair away from his face. Lan Wangji was like a statue. Wei Wuxian laughed through his nose as his finger brushed along Lan Wangji’s ear. It seemed to get even redder. “You absolutely have to stop that, Lan Zhan, I can’t take it.”

“Stop what?” He asked, barely managing to sound annoyed.

“Just about everything,” he said honestly. “But mainly that.” He touched his ear pointedly. Lan Wangji turned his head finally to look at him. He didn’t look embarrassed exactly, but he did look teased. “If you keep doing this, I’ll—”

“You’ll what?” He asked, when Wei Wuxian didn’t finish.

Wei Wuxian swallowed, parted his mouth to allow a huff of breath to escape him. “I’ll—”

Footsteps sounded in the room like a thunderous march. Wei Wuxian turned. It was Lan Jingyi. “Wei-qianbei!” He exclaimed delightedly, sliding to a stop in front of the desk. He bowed to Lan Wangji before turning his gaze to Wei Wuxian again. “You’re here!”

Wei Wuxian also felt quite delighted. He stood, clasping Lan Jingyi on the shoulder. “I’m here. How are you, Jingyi?”

“Um, absolutely wonderful now!”

Wei Wuxian beamed at him. He really liked Lan Jingyi. “What have you been up to? I heard you’re teaching a class. Who knew that you’d be disciplined enough to teach some Lan disciples, huh?”

He immediately crossed his arms petulantly. “Everyone knew. After all, it would be a significant loss to not share my expertise with the rest of the sect, wouldn’t it?”

“Oh, I’m sure of it,” Wei Wuxian said placatingly. “Where’s Sizhui?”

“He’s coming,” he said easily. “He’s just slow.”

“You mean you ran.”

“Of course not,” he said defensively, glancing at Lan Wangji, who was just writing his letter.

Wei Wuxian just laughed. In the next moment, Lan Sizhui stepped into the room, eyes twinkling and shiny. “Sizhui!”

Lan Sizhui smiled at him so brightly that Wei Wuxian felt a little blinded. “Wei-qianbei. I’m so happy to see you.”

Wei Wuxian rested his hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “It’s good to see you, too.”

“Hanguang-jun,” he said, not forgetting himself. He bowed towards Lan Wangji, who nodded at him once. Looking back at Wei Wuxian, his eyes sparkled. “Where have you been? What have you been doing?”

Wei Wuxian absolutely refused to let the truth dampen his mood. “I’ve been everywhere, to be honest. Before coming here, I had went to visit Jin Ling in Carp Tower. He’s quite well. Still the same as ever, though. I think he’d like to see you two.”

Lan Jingyi nodded very seriously. “Yes, we’d like to see him, too. We just don’t have much time. We’ll probably have to wait to see him until the next cultivation conference.”

“How tragic,” Wei Wuxian sympathized. He quite liked being able to do what he wanted, whenever he wanted, and couldn't imagine not being able to. Although, according to the chief cultivator himself, he was quite allowed to do just that.

“We’re preparing to go on a night hunt in a few minutes,” Lan Jingyi said. “Can you come?”

Wei Wuxian felt touched. He glanced at Lan Wangji, who shook his head at him. He pouted. “I thought I could do whatever I wanted.”

“You can do whatever you want,” he confirmed. “But if you’re asking my opinion, it’s no.”

Wei Wuxian pursed his lips and turned back to the kids. “Well, you heard him. It’s a no.”

“But he said you can do whatever you want,” Lan Jingyi said, sounding confused.

“And I want what Lan Zhan wants.”

Lan Sizhui had a secret kind of smile, one that was quite pleased. Lan Jingyi glanced at him, then glanced back at Wei Wuxian. “Um, whatever, Wei-qianbei. You can come another time.”

Wei Wuxian nodded. “I would sincerely like that.”

Lan Sizhui smiled at him. “Maybe we can have dinner tomorrow with you and Hanguang-jun.”

Wei Wuxian nodded, glancing at Lan Wangji again, who seemed agreeable. “Yes. Let’s do that.”

They both beamed at him again before walking out of the room and disappearing into the afternoon sunlight. Wei Wuxian stared after them, feeling like a whirlwind had just come through the room. It was pleasant though, and left him feeling warm. He turned to smile down at Lan Wangji, who looked at him with a soft expression.

He sat down next to him again and leaned on him. He peered down at the paper as he rested his head on his shoulder. “Remember when we were younger, and I’d bother you in the library? You wouldn’t even look at me. If I tried to do this back then, you really would have stabbed me, I think.”

Lan Wangji huffed out a breath as he signed the letter. “No. I would not have hurt you seriously.”

Wei Wuxian laughed. “Not seriously, huh? What would you have done then, Lan Zhan?”

“I would have fought you,” he said quietly, carefully folding the paper into a scroll. “You would have held your own. I would have become even more frustrated that someone who acted so shamelessly could hold his own against me in a fight.”

Wei Wuxian twisted his head up to look at him. His smile remained. “Then what, Lan Zhan? After you realized you couldn’t beat me and I couldn’t beat you?”

Lan Wangji shook his head a little. “I do not know. I probably would have just left.”

Wei Wuxian held his arm and nestled back into his shoulder. “Then I’m glad we didn’t fight. I’ve always hated watching you leave.”

There was a dead silence after that, so deafening that Wei Wuxian wished he hadn’t said anything. There were two instances they both were certainly thinking of and both moments were painful in their own way. Wei Wuxian first saw the image of parting on that mountain, and if that wasn’t horrible enough, he was then assaulted with the memory of watching Lan Wangji disappear down that desolate path after visiting him in the Burial Mounds.

“I’m sorry,” Lan Wangji said suddenly.

“Nope,” Wei Wuxian said immediately, bouncing up to his feet. He tugged on his arm. “No, none of that. That’s all over and done and I’m much too tired to think about such terrible things that mean nothing now. Let’s go do something else then. Are you done with your correspondence?”

“Yes,” Lan Wangji said, allowing himself to be tugged upwards. “Where did you want to go?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Let’s go to the Cold Springs. That would certainly help wake me up and heal my achey bones from all this wandering around I’ve been doing unbeknownst to me.”

At the mention of Wei Wuxian’s issue, Lan Wangji’s expression changed. He nodded and led him out of the room without another word. Wei Wuxian followed, happy to not be talking about departures anymore. He did not like to think on those things.

The walk was pleasant to the Cold Springs. The air was slightly chilly, but it was still warm from the sun and the humidity from all of the mist in the air. Wei Wuxian had not cared for the Recesses when he was young, due to all of the stifling rules and school work he was expected to do, but all of that aside, it was quite a lovely place. Wei Wuxian found that he liked it significantly more than he did before.

The sun was tucked away behind clouds and tree cover where the Cold Springs were. It was so beautiful there. The small bridge, the few bamboo shoots, the trees, the sound of the trickling water—it was all so lovely and inviting. Wei Wuxian would like to spend more time there. It had all of the things that helped him to ground himself when he awoke from an episode. Even being there in that moment was enough to fill him with a great sense of peace.

He was busy taking in all of the scenery, so when he turned back to see that Lan Wangji had already taken off everything except his trousers, Wei Wuxian felt a bolt of something shoot through him. What had happened to the bold shamelessness of his youth? He lamented it sometimes.

Ignoring his own response, Wei Wuxian also stripped out of everything but his trousers. He set his robes beside Lan Wangji’s and followed him into the water. It was so cold that he immediately froze in place. He blinked a few times, unused to the temperature, before pushing forward and stepping towards the middle, where Lan Wangji was settling.

As Wei Wuxian waded in, Lan Wangji’s shoulders seemed to relax. Wei Wuxian could see his scars and whip marks like this, which was a deeply unpleasant, rage-inducing sight. Wei Wuxian felt a familiar wave of righteous anger that he had to push down quite forcefully.

Wei Wuxian settled a few feet away from him, eyes still glued onto his back. He felt that he was about to burst simply at the mere sight. This was the one of the only subjects of Wei Wuxian’s remaining rage. “Lan Zhan,” he eventually breathed.

Lan Wangji seemed to already know what he was thinking about. “It’s ok, Wei Ying. It’s in the past.”

Wei Wuxian let a huff of air leave him. He did not want to let it go. “Mmf,” he huffed. “It was in the past, but it’s not ok.”

Lan Wangji said nothing.

Wei Wuxian waded closer. “It doesn’t hurt, does it?”

“No,” he said, voice soft. “It doesn’t hurt. The skin is tight sometimes, but it is not painful.”

Wei Wuxian took a deep breath through his nose before he charged through the Cloud Recesses to demand answers from Lan Qiren. He took another deep breath and let it out slowly. Instead of focusing on the violence against Lan Wangji, he started thinking about other things, like his devotion and his strength and the fact that those parts of Lan Wangji were used on the likes of Wei Wuxian.

Throat suddenly tight, Wei Wuxian lifted his hand out of the water, reaching out before his brain even caught up with his action. “Can I—”

“Yes,” he whispered.

Wei Wuxian could not be positive what Lan Wangji was giving him liberty to do. Maybe it was anything--everything. Wei Wuxian’s fingers brushed along his back, touching the scars laying across his shoulder blades. Lan Wangji shuddered beneath him. Wei Wuxian’s fingers brushed the tips of his fingers across to his right shoulder as his left hand came up and mirrored the actions of his right. He stepped closer until his chest was pressed to his back. He rested the side of his face in-between Lan Wangji's shoulder blades as his hands shifted so they went up underneath his arms and his hands rested just underneath his chest.

Lan Wangji was slightly rigid for a moment before the muscles in his back loosened and softened. Wei Wuxian could feel the rise and fall of his diaphragm from his breathing. It was the most calm Wei Wuxian has felt in ages. Truthfully, the most calm since before the massacre at Lotus Pier. His eyes fluttered shut. He could hear and feel Lan Wangji's heartbeat, feel his breath, and everything in that moment was Lan Wangji.

Wei Wuxian was beginning to quiver. He did not feel cold. But he felt charged with an emotion so strong he thought it’d over take him until it rattled him completely apart. His hands shifted up, drifting softly across Lan Wangji's skin, like he was asking for more of him. Sometimes it felt like even if Wei Wuxian had all of him, it still wouldn’t be enough.

Lan Wangji’s hands came up and rested against his. His hands, despite having just been in the water, were a warm-cold. The surface of his skin was cool from the springs, but beneath the surface, his hands were warm and full of life. Wei Wuxian shook again, tightening his arms, fingers digging into Lan Wangji.

He turned his head, nose brushing along his skin, lips a hair’s breath away. He let out a breath, feeling his hands shake as he lifted himself up. He half stood so that he could shift the position so his chin rested on Lan Wangji’s shoulder. He knocked his head gently against his affectionately. “Oh, Lan Zhan,” he sighed.

His left hand brushed up, wanting all of him, and when he met rough skin, Wei Wuxian tilted his head down and saw the brand on his chest. He had forgotten about the brand until that moment. His fingers brushed along the grooves of it. “How did you get this, Lan Zhan? Who did this to you?”

Lan Wangji turned his head a little bit, bumping his head against his, like he was torn between amusement, placation, and embarrassment. “I did it.”

Wei Wuxian pulled away a little bit to look at him. “You branded yourself with a Wen brand? Why?”

Lan Wangji faced back forward and tilted his head so his hair hid his face. He was quiet for several moments. “You were gone for a long time, Wei Ying,” he eventually said.

Wei Wuxian slumped against him a little bit. His head rested against Lan Wangji’s. “You did it because I was gone?”

By way of explanation, he whispered, "I missed you."

Wei Wuxian shut his eyes and pressed his forehead into his hair. Wei Wuxian desperately hoped that whatever was wrong with him wouldn’t take him from Lan Wangji again. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “Don’t apologize to me.”

Wei Wuxian let out a sigh and tightened his hold on him, spreading his hand flat against the brand. He wanted to tuck himself and Lan Wangji away, far from anything that could hurt them or make them have to separate again. At these thoughts, the anxiousness was beginning to creep back. He felt a little desperate. Why couldn’t he have more than a few moments of peace? He felt like he needed to just think for a moment; about what to do and how to keep himself and Lan Wangji together. He was always caught between a rock and a hard place. Without Lan Wangji he was miserable, but he couldn’t think clearly with him around either. Lan Wangji consumed all of him when he was around and muddled his brain into simple, desperate thoughts, like: I want you, don't leave me, come closer, you aren't close enough, never close enough.

Aching for the nearness, Wei Wuxian reached up with one hand and tugged his hair away from his face. He nosed underneath his ear and and couldn’t help but press his lips gently at the base of his jaw. But needing to think, to solve this, so they could stay together, he said, “Lan Zhan, I’m going to go now.”

Before he could explain, Lan Wangji jolted. He turned in his arms and stared at him with an intense gaze.

Wei Wuxian felt a little caught in it. “What is it?”

“You’re going? Where?”

Wei Wuxian reached up and held his face in his hand, heart beating violently in his chest. “I just meant I was going to leave the Cold Springs first. I need to think for a moment. You should definitely follow, but maybe give me a few minutes of a head start.”

Lan Wangji looked at him, eyes narrowing slightly.

“Seriously,” Wei Wuxian said defensively. “How can I possibly even try to think clearly about anything when you’re around? You consume absolutely every part of me, you know.”

Lan Wangji looked unimpressed by that comment, but Wei Wuxian thought that was because he didn’t believe that Wei Wuxian was speaking sincere truth. However, his posture relaxed after a moment. He nodded once.

Wei Wuxian looked at him for a moment longer, cataloguing his face. He really could look at him all day. It was a mistake to take that extra moment, however, because he felt like he'd absolutely rattle apart if he let go of Lan Wangji. “I’ll head towards the Jingshi, okay?”

Lan Wangji nodded.

Wei Wuxian basked in having Lan Wangji in his arms for a second longer before untangling himself and shifting away. Their gazes were still locked together. Wei Wuxian felt like Lan Wangji expected him to run away at any moment. It was difficult because while he didn’t plan on running away, there was that urge in his bones. It was like his skin was being seen-through, and that was what he wanted to run from. It was beautiful to be seen, but so very dangerous, and opened every possible door to hurt and longing. There was an electrifying gratification from it all, but also a chilling fear. If anyone were to see him, though, and if Wei Wuxian had to choose anybody for it to be, he’d pick Lan Wangji, so he knew that he wouldn't leave.

Wei Wuxian went back to his robes, skin already like ice. He slipped the robe back on and felt Lan Wangji’s eyes on his back. Turning, Wei Wuxian glanced at him one more time. He smiled. “I’ll see you in a few minutes, Lan Zhan.”

He wasn’t leaving, and yet he felt like he was running away. He turned and left the Cold Springs.

__________

Somehow, Wei Wuxian ended up in front of Lan Xichen’s door. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t as if he ever had sought Lan Xichen out for help. It was just that he didn’t know what to do, and if Wei Wuxian was being honest, he felt like Lan Xichen was more likely to be brutally honest with him than anyone else on the entire planet. He knew Lan Wangji would worry. He did not want that to happen, and yet he found Lan Xichen’s rooms anyway.

Wei Wuxian stood on the doorstep for several moments, debating whether or not it was even a good idea. Before he could knock, the door was opened. Lan Xichen stood in front of him, tall and elegant. “Wei Wuxian,” he said, neither warm nor cold. He had a welcoming expression on his face, however.

“Zewu-jun,” he greeted, bowing.

“Come in,” Lan Xichen said, stepping back and gesturing for him to enter.

Wei Wuxian took a few steps inside and glanced around surreptitiously. It was pristine inside, but also warm and inviting. The lights were dim, and there was a soft, crackling fire in the wood stove in the corner. He stopped a few paces in. “I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

“No,” he said reassuringly, shutting the door and walking around to stand in front of Wei Wuxian. “What brings you here?”

“I wanted to visit,” Wei Wuxian said a bit awkwardly. “I just arrived yesterday and thought I’d see you.”

“Where is Wangji?”

“Um,” Wei Wuxian hummed. “Probably on his way to the Jingshi. Or to look for me.”

“He doesn’t know you’re here.”

Wei Wuxian shrugged helplessly.

Lan Xichen studied him for a moment. “I was informed that you were brought here and that you’ve seen our doctors. Is something wrong?”

Wei Wuxian let out a small, breathless laugh. “Well, I’m not entirely sure, Zewu-jun. Something’s not right, that’s for sure. I don’t really know how wrong.”

“Tell me,” he said warmly, gesturing for Wei Wuxian to sit at the table.

Wei Wuxian went to sit on the cushion, back straight. He waited in silence as Lan Xichen went to sit across from him. He took a moment to speak. “I’m having some odd episodes.”

Lan Xichen nodded.

“I…I just seem to disappear, is what it feels like. I black out and for hours at a time although my body is still awake and moving, and then I just suddenly wake back up. I often don’t know where I am when I regain consciousness, even if I’m in a familiar place. It’s a very odd feeling.”

“Hmm,” he said thoughtfully. “And you don’t know what causes it or when it will come about?”

Wei Wuxian shook his head, eyes falling to the table as his shoulders began to sag. “No. It began about eight months ago and has progressively gotten worse. It happens at night, as well, when I’m asleep. My body will wake up, but I do not.”

“The doctors had no theories?”

Wei Wuxian shook his head. “No. They want to observe me if I have another episode.”

“What do you do during these episodes?”

“I’m not sure. It seems that I just wander around and do not speak or anything else. Lan Zhan said I was a bit catatonic.”

“He saw it happen?”

“Last night,” Wei Wuxian confirmed. “In the Jingshi, he said I woke up from a nightmare and then slipped into an epi…sode.” He trailed off when he realized he just told Lan Xichen that he was in the Jingshi. Would he deduce they were in the same bed? It seemed quite obvious. Did Wei Wuxian care? Did Lan Xichen care?

Absolutely none of this was lost on Lan Xichen, who simply smiled serenely. “May I ask why you’re telling me about it? Not that I don’t want to hear it.”

Wei Wuxian shrugged, avoiding his gaze. “I feel odd. One moment I feel perfectly content, the next I’m quite miserable. I’m exhausted from how little rest my body is getting. I do not know what to do. I’m afraid that it’s…a side-effect of the spell that brought me back. I’m afraid that I’m…” his voice dropped into a whisper as he said the words. It was the first time he had uttered them so straightforwardly. “I’m afraid I’ll die again.”

Lan Xichen considered him from across the table. “Why are you content?”

Wei Wuxian blinked at him. “What do you mean?”

“You said one moment you’re content, the next you’re miserable. I can assume you feel miserable because of this affliction. What’s the thing making you feel content?”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes drifted upwards as he thought about it. He felt his neck heat up in embarrassment. Was he really going to describe to Lan Xichen that Wei Wuxian was seriously obsessed with Lan Wangji? “Well, I wasn’t, until I arrived here. I haven’t felt content in quite a while, Zewu-jun.” Why was he telling him this? Lan Xichen just looked so friendly and caring in this moment. He reminded Wei Wuxian of his sister.

Lan Xichen nodded thoughtfully, also glancing around as he considered Wei Wuxian’s words. “So you’re content to be here with Wangji and you’re afraid you’ll die.” Wei Wuxian flushed immediately at the notion of being so transparent. “Well, that makes quite a bit of sense, doesn’t it?”

Wei Wuxian blinked at him. “Does it?”

“Why wouldn’t it? You and my brother have been quite close for a long time. You have both been beaten by hardship over and over and you’ve finally come to a place in which everything is calm, so now you have the time to finally feel content. And now you’re afflicted by an unknown problem that makes you feel as though this contentment will go away again. It makes perfect sense.”

Wei Wuxian shook his head, smiling. “Well, I guess when you put it that way…”

“Do you have nightmares, Wei Wuxian?”

Wei Wuxian thought about it. “Sometimes. Lan Zhan said I had one last night, but I don’t remember it. Maybe I do and because I slip into an episode, I don’t remember all of them.”

“When you can remember them, what are they about?”

“Just about everything miserable that’s ever happened to me or to someone I love,” Wei Wuxian said, somewhat sarcastically. “Who needs to come up with any new horrors when my memories are right there, waiting to be accessed?”

“Have you ever shared them with anyone? Have you ever woken up and told someone what you just dreamed about?”

It felt like an odd question. Why would Wei Wuxian want to discuss what only made him miserable? “No, Zewu-jun.”

“Maybe just try it,” he suggested calmly. “You don’t have to go through with it or do it ever again. But just try.”

Wei Wuxian did not think he would. He nodded anyway and smiled. “Sure, Zewu-jun. Whatever you want.”

“You said Wangji does not know you’re here?”

“No,” Wei Wuxian sighed, glancing back at the door. “He thinks I’ve left the Cloud Recesses.”

“Why?”

“Because I acted like I would.”

Lan Xichen was silent.

“I never intended to,” he said, eyes falling to the floor, body still twisted towards the exit. “Maybe I had the urge a couple times, but I didn’t really plan on doing it. I think Lan Zhan could tell. I just wanted a few minutes alone, and I knew that he thought I asked for it so that I could leave.”

“Wei Wuxian,” Lan Xichen said softly. “I care about your turmoil. I do. However, I also care very deeply about Wangji’s. Whatever you decided to do, please make it final. Just as you feel content one moment and miserable the next, so does my brother. However, his solution is already known. What is unfortunate is that for him, the power to solve it does not lie with him.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes wetted immediately. He did not meet his gaze for several moments. He did, eventually. “Does Lan Zhan love me?”

Lan Xichen did not seem to expect that question. He looked a little miffed. “You have to ask? And even if you do, you have to ask me?”

Wei Wuxian smiled despite himself as he swiped at his eyes. “Yes and yes. Does he?”

Lan Xichen shook his head and stood. “You are a foolish man, Wei Wuxian.”

Wei Wuxian nodded as he stood as well. “Yes, yes, you’re quite right about that.”

Lan Xichen led him to the door. “Do you love Wangji?”

Wei Wuxian looked away. “You have to ask?” He echoed.

Lan Xichen let out a breath that almost sounded like a laugh. His tone grew serious again. “You make a decision for two, you know. While you should make your decision based upon yourself, understand that you do not make this decision in isolation. Wangji has already made his.”

Wei Wuxian sniffed as the tell-tale signs of tears began to gather in every part of him. He nodded. “Yes, Zewu-jun.”

Lan Xichen sighed and opened the door. “Go soothe my ridiculous brother. He’s probably beside himself right now. Whatever you choose, I ask that you stop dangling him from a string.”

That cut Wei Wuxian’s heart very deeply. He flinched and nodded once. He stepped out of the room and down the steps without another word.

It was dark out at this point. The sky was black, and the sound in the mountains were quiet like they were in the day, but in a different way. It was all soft noise and calming wind. Despite this, he still felt that tell-tale wooziness he got when he slipped into an episode. He did not want to disappear when Lan Wangji already thought he left. He rushed towards the Jingshi. He did not even know if Lan Wangji would be there. Even if he wasn’t, he’d rather wake up in Lan Wangji's home than anywhere else.

His feet moved just quickly enough without it being a run. If he was stopped for breaking the rules, his focus would snap, and he’d really be a goner. He chanted what he could see, feel, smell, and hear in his head over and over as he crossed through the pathways and wove himself towards Lan Wangji’s rooms.

Just the sight of the Jingshi helped him feel less dizzy. He swallowed and made his way up the steps. Even though the Jingshi was still the best place to slip into an episode, if Lan Wangji was not in the room, Wei Wuxian really thought he’d go crazy. He pushed the doors open and stepped inside. He shut the door behind himself immediately.

Lan Wangji was--thankfully, wonderfully, beautifully--sitting at his desk, playing the guqin. His head snapped up when the door opened. He looked at Wei Wuxian in surprise, mouth slightly parted. “Wei Ying.”

“I’m here,” he said in a tumble. He went straight to Lan Wangji’s side, legs wobbly as he reached out to grab his hand. He squeezed his eyes shut. I can feel Lan Zhan’s hand. I can smell the sandalwood. I can hear the sound of the guqin reverberating in the air.

“Wei Ying?” He said again, voice shaky, as his hand turned over and squeezed back.

“Hold on,” Wei Wuxian said, voice cracking. “I just—I don’t want it to happen again.”

Lan Wangji was quiet for a moment and suddenly, Wei Wuxian could feel his cool hand on his face. “Open your eyes,” he murmured. Wei Wuxian did. He met his gaze and Lan Wangji was staring at him with worry lines on his face. But he also looked so kind. “What can you see?”

Wei Wuxian let out a breath. “Your eyes.” He swallowed. “Your forehead ribbon. You.”

Lan Wangji brushed his thumb along his cheek. “What can you feel?”

Wei Wuxian’s chest began to expand. “Your hands.”

“What can you smell?”

Wei Wuxian began to feel a little embarrassed. “Your hair.” He couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. It was all Lan Wangji.

His eyes softened when Wei Wuxian laughed. “What can you hear?”

Sound was always the most important one to Wei Wuxian. It took him outside of himself. His eyes could see what they wanted to see, he could smell what his nose wanted him to smell, he could feel what his body wanted him to feel, and they all had to be near. But sound--sound carried beyond all of those things. He could hear something he couldn't see, smell, or feel. Sound existed outside of Wei Wuxian. His voice was so weak that it came out as a breath. “I can hear your voice.”

Lan Wangji remained quiet for a few minutes as Wei Wuxian just breathed, deep in and deep out. When Wei Wuxian’s shoulders finally began to relax, Lan Wangji shut his eyes and tipped forward, pressing his forehead to his. “I thought you left.”

Reaching up and resting the side of his hand against Lan Wangji’s face, Wei Wuxian also shut his eyes. It was not lost on him that he was touching Lan Wangji’s forehead ribbon. He shook his head a little. “I didn’t.”

“It seemed like you would.”

“I thought about it,” he admitted. When Lan Wangji’s body seemed to tense, he decided that he deserved a better explanation. “It was a fleeting thought, a fleeting feeling. I was just confused. I still am confused, to be honest, but there are some things I’m certain of, so I’ve decided to stay.”

“For how long?” He whispered, betraying that he feared Wei Wuxian's departures as much as Wei Wuxian did himself.

Wei Wuxian hadn’t thought about it in such clear terms. He knew what he wanted, but not what he'd do. He brought his other hand up, rested it against his neck. He breathed through his nose. “I don’t know. There are things I’m still worried about. Things I am still confused about. But again, there are things I am certain of.” He still worried about his own death and bringing it upon Lan Wangji and making him watch. He was confused on what to do with it all; what to say, what to give. But he was certain that he couldn't leave Lan Wangji again, as long as he wanted Wei Wuxian by his side.

“Please,” he said, voice so anguished it was like he had not known joy for quite some time. Wei Wuxian hated himself sometimes. “Just tell me.” The get it over with was present in everything except words.

Wei Wuxian’s eyes filled. He brushed his nose against his. How much had he hurt him, in the past? In the present? “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Before he could explain why, Lan Wangji abruptly pulled away. Wei Wuxian’s hands trailed after him, and a noise left his throat. “Lan Zhan?”

“I can’t keep doing this,” he admitted, body faced completely away from him.

Wei Wuxian’s mind was reeling, heart already running away and hiding in a pit. “H-Hold on. Wait. This isn’t what—keep doing what?”

Lan Wangji turned and looked at him. Oh, why did his face look like that? Wei Wuxian thought he really wouldn’t be able to stand it for another second. “I can no longer lie in the middle of the road,” he said.

Wei Wuxian pushed himself up shakily. The dizzy feeling was back again. “Lan Zhan—”

His vision went black.

__________

When his eyes blinked back open, it was still dark out. He was sitting on something soft. His skin felt cool on the surface, but on the inside, he felt quite warm. He blinked rapidly, feeling that anxiousness creep into his chest. He looked around and realized he was sitting on the side of a bed, feet flat on the ground. Beside him, a figure was slumped on the floor, back against the bed. His head was tipped downwards, dark hair cascading forward and hiding his face and spilling down white robes. There was a moment in which Wei Wuxian felt a flood of relief at seeing Lan Wangji. He hadn’t known where he was or what happened, but Lan Wangji was there, so it must have been ok. But in the next moment, he remembered that he had another episode, right in the middle of a terrible conversation he couldn't quite remember the details of.

Wei Wuxian breathed in once. Lan Wangji did not know Wei Wuxian was awake. He shifted his body, limbs stiff and aching in protest. Lan Wangji’s head snapped up at the movement, eyes finding his immediately. He could tell at once that Wei Wuxian was awake.

Turning to stand on his knees in front of him, his hands grabbed at him almost frantically, connecting with whatever they came into contact with first. He had one hand on Wei Wuxian’s left that was resting beside him on the bed, and the other hand was on his knee. “Wei Ying.”

Wei Wuxian let out a deep breath and held his face between his hands, shaking from stiffness. “I’m sorry that happened while we were talking. How horrible.”

“Yes,” Lan Wangji agreed firmly. “It was horrible.”

Wei Wuxian shook his head, leaning down to press his forehead to his. The cool metal pressed into his skin like a balm. “I’m sorry, Lan Zhan. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said, voice somewhat cold.

“What were we talking about? Before I blacked out. What had we just said?”

Lan Wangji drew away slowly, hands retreating as he stood.

“Don’t,” Wei Wuxian said desperately, standing to follow him before he could think about it. He reached out and brushed his hand on his shoulder. “Don’t. We need to talk about it. I…I don’t remember what was said last, but I remember that it was important and that it shouldn’t have gone the way it did. I remember that I needed to explain myself and I wasn’t doing a good job.”

Lan Wangji didn’t turn, but his posture seemed to turn into a sculpture of ice. “You were in the middle of telling me that you were going to leave again, and that you were certain of it.”

Wei Wuxian’s brain felt like it flipped over completely, like an egg. “Wait. How could that have been what we were talking about? I’m not planning on leaving again.”

Lan Wangji turned to look at him. He looked tormented.

Wei Wuxian made a noise and stepped close to him, wrapping one arm around his waist, and the other holding his face. “Lan Zhan, why are you looking at me like that?” He asked hopelessly. He suddenly felt like crying. "Why do you always look at me like that? Like you’re miserable and hurting? Tell me how I can fix it, please. Please, I'll do whatever I can.”

“Wei Ying,” he said, voice thick with the sound of tears. “You aren’t leaving.” It sounded like a question, but his voice was flat.

“No,” he said emphatically. “No, I’m not leaving. I mean…I don’t know, maybe I’ll go to Caiyi and get some Emperor’s Smile, or visit Jin Ling, or visit somewhere eventually, but I…I mean I’m not really married to the idea of staying anywhere, except by your side. Had I given you the impression that I was leaving you here?”

Lan Wangji looked at him like his brain also had been flipped over like an egg. “Yes,” he eventually choked out, agonized. “Yes, you gave me that impression.”

Wei Wuxian immediately nuzzled into his cheek, breathing in the smell of his skin. “Sorry. Sorry, Lan Zhan. It was a misunderstanding, I promise.”

“You said you were sorry,” he said, by way of an explanation. “I told you to tell me what you had decided and you said you were sorry.”

Wei Wuxian cringed a bit. “That does sound quite horrible, doesn’t it? I probably was sorry, but about a hundred million other things.”

Lan Wangji’s hands raised, and Wei Wuxian could feel how shaky they were when he laid them against his back, tentative, like he was afraid he'd scare Wei Wuxian away. “What do you have to be sorry for, Wei Ying?”

Wei Wuxian slumped a little bit, face trailing down to tuck into his neck. “Where to begin, huh?” He paused, thought about his conversation with Lan Xichen—which he still did remember, thankfully—and hesitated for only a moment longer before pressing a kiss to his skin, right where his pulse was. He left his mouth there, just a breath away so that when Lan Wangji's blood pumped, his skin would brush against Wei Wuxian’s lips again. Lan Wangji stilled. He shifted the hand that was against Lan Wangji’s face and tangled his hand in his hair. Lan Wangji’s breath shuttered. “First of all,” he began, voice shaky as nervousness crawled up his chest. “I’m sorry that I let you just—leave me on the road, which I still am quite upset about, you know. I’m sorry that it took me so long to come back.”

Lan Wangji’s hands tightened on him, breath shallow.

“I’m sorry I left you in the first place, all those years ago, and that I made you watch.” His voice was raw, scratched, like the words were ripping their way up his throat. Lan Wangji made a wounded noise and pulled him in so close that it almost crushed Wei Wuxian. He liked it and stepped even closer. “I’m sorry that whatever is happening right now is happening, and that I’m worrying you and that I don’t know how to fix it so you’ll stop looking at me like that with those eyes.”

“Wei Ying,” he said, like a protest.

Wei Wuxian did not let him continue. He shook his head and his left arm, the one on Lan Wangji’s waist, inched up his back and he gripped his robes. Swallowing, he kissed his throat again, trembling as he trailed his lips up towards his ear. Brushing his mouth on his earlobe, Wei Wuxian then trailed kisses down his jaw. “I’m sorry I’ve never done this before,” he murmured against his skin. Lan Wangji’s hands were so tight it felt like it’d bruise.

Reaching his chin, Wei Wuxian paused, gathered his courage, and pressed his mouth to Lan Wangji’s bottom lip once. He didn't linger and pulled back just slightly to gauge his reaction. Lan Wangji's hands curled, gathering Wei Wuxian's robes between his fingers. Encouraged, Wei Wuxian leaned in again and kissed his mouth in the same spot, letting it last a little bit longer. His mouth parted against Wei Wuxian’s and a soft huff of breath left his lips. Wei Wuxian tugged his bottom lip between his teeth, feeling quite gratified when another noise left Lan Wangji’s throat. Wei Wuxian tilted his head back slightly, pulling Lan Wangji with him, who just chased after him, and kissed him hard on the mouth. His hand immediately came up and cradled the back of Wei Wuxian’s head, soft in contrast to the near violent kiss he was giving.

Wei Wuxian pulled him closer, one hand full of robes and the other full of his hair. His mouth parted in a soft gasp and Lan Wangji entered, effectively making Wei Wuxian very, very sorry that he hadn’t done this before. “Lan Zhan,” he whispered, voice practically a whine, when their mouths parted for a moment. "Don't stop," he said. It was the first time those simple, desperate thoughts he had whenever Lan Wangji was near actually escaped his throat. It was gratifying. Lan Wangji immediately pressed back into him, and Wei Wuxian bit at him until he opened up and Wei Wuxian could slip inside.

“I love you,” he said urgently, barely ceasing in kissing Lan Wangji. His mouth was wet where his lips brushed against Lan Wangji's as he spoke. “I love you. I love you, I’m sorry I haven’t told you before.”

Lan Wangji made another noise, sounding desperate and shattered. “Wei Ying,” he said, tongue darting out against Wei Wuxian's bottom lip as a precursor to the bite he then immediately delivered.

“You—” Wei Wuxian cut himself off to kiss him again, mouth parting against his as Lan Wangji slipped downward, mouth also parted against his skin. He trailed open-mouthed kisses down Wei Wuxian's neck, making him absolutely lose every part of sanity left in his brain. “You could do anything to me and it’d change nothing,” he eventually breathed out, letting out a soft whine when Lan Wangji licked at his skin. He moved his left arm so it could tangle in Lan Wangji’s hair along side his right hand. He pushed himself up as he dragged Lan Wangji's mouth back to his. He held his face in front of his, noses brushing. Lan Wangji's eyes were an inferno, matching the flames inside of Wei Wuxian's chest. “I don’t care what you do to me, what you say to me, if you never let me out of your sight again or if you sent me away forever, I’d love you the same. You need to know that,” he breathed, mouth a scant inch away from Lan Wangji’s.

Lan Wangji was staring at him, mouth red and glistening. Lan Wangji’s eyes were glued to Wei Wuxian’s mouth in a vacant sort of way, like he was not even in the same realm as anyone else. Wei Wuxian could understand the feeling. “Wei Ying,” he said desperately.

Wei Wuxian shook his head, one hand trailing down his shoulder, pressing against his collarbone and down his chest, slipping in to press his fingertips to his skin. “You don’t have to say it back. I know. I know you.”

For Lan Wangji, that was like being told he was loved all over again. He pressed his forehead to Wei Wuxian’s and shut his eyes. He took a deep breath through his nose. “Wei Ying,” he said.

“Yes?” Wei Wuxian said, eyes shutting, too. He breathed him in, tightening his fingers in his hair. His other hand trailed back up over the skin of his chest, creeping up his neck.

“Stay with me. Please. You can leave the Cloud Recesses if you wish, but please let me follow.”

Wei Wuxian opened his eyes and looked at him, just as Lan Wangji had opened his own to gaze at Wei Wuxian. “Lan Zhan, if I did leave and you didn’t follow, I would come straight back and tie you to me if I had to.”

Instead of smiling, like Wei Wuxian maybe thought he would, his face crumpled and he squeezed his eyes shut again.

Wei Wuxian let out a whine and pulled him in close, kissing his cheek, his nose, his other cheek, and then his mouth, warm and soft. “Lan Zhan, don’t look like that, please. I’m sorry that I wasn’t clear about it. It’s my biggest regret.”

Lan Wangji shook his head and opened his eyes. He looked at him for a moment, still as a statue, before pitching forward and pressing his lips to his. He was gentle, lips moving against his like river water falling over a stone. He pulled back, just a few centimeters away. “Wei Ying, I love you.”

Wei Wuxian immediately tucked his face into his neck, body on fire. “Ahh, I said you didn’t have to say. I can’t bear it.”

Lan Wangji enveloped him in his arms, tucking his arms around him in a way that made Wei Wuxian feel like he was cocooned. “I need to say it. It’s my biggest regret that I never told you. I should have, many years ago. As soon as I realized it.”

Wei Wuxian smiled despite himself, snuggling closer, lips against his collarbone. The soft press of his lips turning quickly into teeth. “When was that?”

Lan Wangji's arms tightened. “I couldn’t tell you when I started. I know that I was infatuated with you from the moment we met, but I don’t know when I began loving you. I know that it only became clear to me during the Wen indoctrination.”

Wei Wuxian breathed deeply, with his whole chest. “Oh, Lan Zhan. Me too. To all of it. We really are the same, aren’t we?”

“Mm,” he said pleasantly, almost dreamily. “Yes.”

“Let’s sleep,” Wei Wuxian murmured, feeling like his bones were made of mush. “I feel so exhausted. I’m sure you do, too.”

Lan Wangji said nothing, but let himself be pulled in that direction. They shifted over to the bed and arranged themselves into the same position the night before—Lan Wangji on his back, and Wei Wuxian cuddled into his side. However, only a moment after settling in, Wei Wuxian couldn't help himself. He shifted, crawling up and resting on top of him. His lips dragging and trailing up Lan Wangji's neck. Lan Wangji's hands immediately came up to rest against him, one on his back, one at the back of Wei Wuxian's neck. His mouth parted just before Wei Wuxian's lips met his, not even bothering to start out slow. He licked at Wei Wuxian's teeth, alternating between biting and gliding through Wei Wuxian's mouth with no shame. Wei Wuxian's breath felt punched out of him when Lan Wangji licked down his neck and sucked at his skin, alternating between teeth and tongue.

"Lan Zhan," he said, pitching his head forward to hit the pillow by Lan Wangji's head. Lan Wangji said nothing and turned over so that he was hovering above him. His mouth never left Wei Wuxian's skin. "Ugh," Wei Wuxian groaned, hands coming up to grip into his robes. "Please," he said, voice cracking, not knowing what he was asking for.

"What?" Lan Wangji asked, mouth finally lifting. He tilted his head up to look down at Wei Wuxian. His lips were red and wet and his expression very self-satisfied.

Wei Wuxian stared up at him, breath heavy. "I love you endlessly," he breathed. "I...That word isn't even enough. It's more than that."

Lan Wangji's gaze softened. He looked so beautiful, hair falling around them, so inky black that it was like there was just a void cascading around them. "Wei Ying," he said, in that voice.

Wei Wuxian's eyes fluttered shut at the sound. No one said his name like that. No one ever could. It sounded like honey and thunder and rivers and moonlight.

"I thought I'd die without you."

Wei Wuxian's eyes opened, finding Lan Wangji's immediately. His eyes were glistening, but serious, as he looked at Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian's chest tied up in knots. "Lan Zhan?"

"When you fell," he whispered, face unchanging, but his voice gave him away. "When you fell, a part of me thought the moment you hit the bottom, I'd cease to exist. I did, in a way."

Wei Wuxian's eyes pooled. "No," he whispered, like he was begging for it not to happen, even though it already had. He touched his beloved face.

Lan Wangji nodded once, tilting his head into Wei Wuxian's hand. "I think that if thousands of words were written trying to express how it felt to be without you for so long, it still wouldn't be enough. It still wouldn't do it justice."

Wei Wuxian's face crumpled and he turned away to stare at the window beside the bed. The moon casted white light through the screen.

Lan Wangji pressed his nose and mouth to Wei Wuxian's cheek, right beside his ear. "The same can be said for the intensity of feeling I had when I heard you playing Wuji on Dafan Mountain. I thought for a moment that maybe I had died. But no, you had simply come back to me."

Wei Wuxian, wanting to take in all of his words, found himself unable to. He thought his head might have been smoking from the way his brain immediately malfunctioned when he heard the word Wuji. "Lan Zhan," he said, hand tangling in his hair. "What? When you heard me playing what?"

Lan Wangji reached over with one hand and tilted Wei Wuxian's head back to look at him. He ducked, brushing his lips across Wei Wuxian's, mouth still wet and smooth. He, very gently, took Wei Wuxian's bottom lip between his teeth and brushed his tongue along it. "Did I not tell you?" He murmured against him, releasing Wei Wuxian and then pressing a practically non-existent kiss on the same place he had just bitten.

"Tell me what?" Wei Wuxian whispered back, torn between ravishing Lan Wangji's mouth with his own and hearing him speak.

"The piece I wrote for you is called Wuji."

Wei Wuxian immediately shook his head. "Stop. Stop, I can't," he croaked, completely unable to process everything he was hearing, feeling, experiencing. It felt like he would light on fire any moment. However, at the same time, he had never felt more grounded, more real. The sensations rocking through his stomach were so undeniably real that it was impossible to doubt his existence. It was also impossible that he worked himself up to this state, or that anyone else could. Only one person could make him like this, so if it was happening, then he was real and Lan Wangji was real and that was the most comforting thought to ever enter Wei Wuxian's head.

"You can't what?" Lan Wangji asked, pressing forward, chest against chest.

"How can you be like this?" Wei Wuxian asked, voice sounding like a beg. "How can you--you've never been like this before. I feel like I'll explode."

Seeming to understand what he meant, Lan Wangji's lips turned up in a slight smile. He kissed him. "I've always been like this."

Wei Wuxian had a hard time considering this answer when Lan Wangji was busy coaxing his mouth open with his own and sucking on his bottom lip. His tongue entered Wei Wuxian's mouth, soft and warm for just a moment before he retreated, making Wei Wuxian chase up after him in protest. Wei Wuxian made a noise of disapproval when Lan Wangji took too long to kiss him again. Smiling a little, completely smug, Lan Wangji dipped back down and trailed a wet path down Wei Wuxian's throat. Wei Wuxian's breath stuttered out of him when Lan Wangji sucked at his skin for the second time. After several minutes, however, he was able to come to a semi-rational conclusion about what Lan Wangji had said. He supposed it was true. Lan Wangji really had always been like this, just in less verbal ways. He fought him almost immediately upon meeting. He broke a rule in challenging Wei Wuxian to a fight for breaking a rule. Lan Wangji, the disciplined rule-follower, watched Wei Wuxian break every rule known to mankind and cultivators alike and simply worried about his health and that was it. He allowed him to kill in Nightless City and only worried about Wei Wuxian getting hurt. He even defended him against ghosts and other cultivators. Even when he thought Wei Wuxian had done everything he was accused of, he caught his arm on the side of the cliff and begged him not to go. When Wei Wuxian came back, he immediately, without thought, stood by him through everything.

He tangled his fingers in Lan Wangji's hair and forcefully pulled him up from his neck. When Lan Wangji relented and let himself be pulled, there was a soft, wet noise when his lips left Wei Wuxian's neck. He took one moment to look down at Wei Wuxian before he took the hint and kissed his mouth again. "You've always been like this," Wei Wuxian murmured against Lan Wangji. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders to pull him in more. Lan Wangji pressed into him, mouth slick and needy against his, swallowing his words in his mouth like he wanted to consume them. "Although, you never kissed me before. I would not have minded this a little sooner."

Lan Wangji bit at his lips then his jaw. "You never kissed me either, Wei Ying." His voice was slightly hoarse, but soft, full of many things Wei Wuxian couldn't put a name to.

Wei Wuxian bit him back, reveling in the sound of Lan Wangji's stuttered breath as he did so. "And? I'm kissing you now, aren't I?"

Lan Wangji pulled back and looked at him like he wanted to devour him whole. "Are you? It seems quite like I'm the one kissing you."

Wei Wuxian let out an incredulous laugh. He pushed on Lan Wangji's chest until he gave in and went back to his original position on his back. He straddled Lan Wangji's waist, elbows on either side of his head. "You want me to kiss you, Lan Zhan?"

Lan Wangji's eyes both twinkled and looked hungry. His mouth had looked so wet for the past several minutes. It was making Wei Wuxian's brain turn to mush. He reached one hand over and brushed his fingers along his mouth, as if he was drying him off. Lan Wangji's eyes never left his and his tongue darted out to lick his fingers. Wei Wuxian shut his eyes for a moment, but didn't allow his efforts to be thwarted. When he opened his eyes again, Lan Wangji's lips were just as kiss-bruised, but drier now. With three fingers still on his mouth, he pulled away before Lan Wangji got anymore ideas. Wei Wuxian's current objective was to tease, and he would not be able to if Lan Wangji started sucking his fingers.

Wei Wuxian hovered over him, eyes glued to his now-dry lips, slowly descending at a pace that really was like torture, even for him. Now that he was looking at him, he felt rather annoyed that his mouth wasn't wet anymore. He came to the conclusion that he liked it better the other way. "What's the verdict, huh? Lan Zhan, my Lan Zhan. I dried you off. Do you want me to kiss you? Make your lips wet again?"

Lan Wangji's chest began to rise more quickly. He kept his mouth shut, but his eyes burned into Wei Wuxian's.

Wei Wuxian smiled down at him, fingers playing in his hair. "You don't want to talk anymore?" he teased, remaining a few inches away. "How cruel of you, Lan Zhan. You don't kiss me for so long, ask me why I never kissed you, and won't even tell me that's what you want? Tell me what you want, Lan-er gege."

His eyes narrowed very slightly, then suddenly cooled, mouth softening. Despite his chilled expression, his hands were tightening and his breath was becoming more shallow. He parted his mouth slightly and remained silent for a moment before speaking. Just the feeling of his breath puffing gently against his lips was enough to make Wei Wuxian start to abandon the teasing. "What?" he questioned, almost sarcastically. "You want me to beg for it, Wei Ying?"

Wei Wuxian felt his blood actually turn into molten lava. He let out a breath and then stopped breathing altogether as he stared down at him. He was about to just simply lose his mind and maybe abandon ship completely at the way this conversation turned. But then he paused and considered. "I don't know," he said in a whisper. He trailed one hand down Lan Wangji's chest, wriggling his fingers into Lan Wangji's robes to press into his skin. "What would you say?"

Lan Wangji's lips twitched upwards. "I'm not quite sure, Wei Ying. I don't think I'd ever need to."

Wei Wuxian let a huff of laughter escape him, eyes trailing up from Lan Wangji's chest back to his eyes. "Oh? What if I don't want to kiss you? Wouldn't you have to beg then?"

Lan Wangji's hands slid up Wei Wuxian's back. One hand settled in-between his shoulder blades, and the other pressed to the back of his head. He forced Wei Wuxian down, but not all the way. "To be honest," he began softly, eyes on his lips. "I could make you kiss me right now. I wouldn't have to beg."

Wei Wuxian lit on fire once more. He kept his face neutral. "Mm," he murmured thoughtfully. He dipped lower, lips finally brushing against Lan Wangji's, who parted his lips and let a breath escape him at the contact. His eyes closed. Wei Wuxian smiled. "Isn't this a form of begging, Lan Zhan?" he questioned, trailing his fingers down Lan Wangji's face. "You are a man of few words, after all. It's only natural that you'd beg without words, as well." He dipped one finger in between Lan Wangji's lips, where he had opened up. It was just the tip, but Lan Wangji still licked at his finger and tried to pull it in more. Wei Wuxian didn't let him. He pulled it out and let the wetness trail down his throat. He tipped forward, letting his tongue trace Lan Wangji's lips. "You're begging for it by holding me here. By bringing me closer without forcing me." Lan Wangji let a soft noise escape his throat, mouth parting against Wei Wuxian's tongue. "You're begging for it by opening up for me," Wei Wuxian mused, moving his index finger and thumb to grip his chin. With his thumb, Wei Wuxian pressed downwards, causing Lan Wangji's bottom lip to part further from his top lip, making him open up wider. Wei Wuxian paused at the sight and stared at him for a moment, a bit starstruck. "You're so beautiful," he croaked.

Not expecting Wei Wuxian's teasing to end with that, Lan Wangji's eyes met his. "Kiss me. Please. Please, Wei Ying."

Wei Wuxian wasn't one to deny Lan Wangji's requests. He immediately dipped and kissed him. He tangled both hands in Lan Wangji's hair and pressed down into him as much as he could. A small noise escaped his throat. "I wish I could merge with you," he panted against his mouth, licking his lips open and sucking on his bottom lip. "I--" he cut himself off with another sound when Lan Wangji pulled his lip from his and bit down on him hard. "Lan Zhan," he said desperately, mouth brushing against his. Lan Wangji took one hand from his back and ran his fingers both softly and firmly against his chest. He slipped his hand into his robes and pressed his hand to Wei Wuxian's beating heart. Skin on fire, Wei Wuxian began to feel like he was about to start crying. "Lan Zhan," he said, voice wobbly. No one touched him like Lan Wangji did. No one even touched him anymore at all. But even when they had, they never brushed their fingers on his wrist, along his back, along his fingers, like Lan Wangji always had.

"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji murmured, maneuvering his head so he could trail kisses down Wei Wuxian's neck and suck into his skin again. "What is it, Wei Ying?"

Wei Wuxian, unbelievably, did begin to cry. He rested his head against the side of Lan Wangji's as his warm mouth shared its warmth with Wei Wuxian. His breath was shaky as he shut his eyes.

When Wei Wuxian's breath shuttered again, Lan Wangji's lips stilled, and he gently released Wei Wuxian's skin from between his teeth. He pulled back and moved around until Wei Wuxian was hovered above him again. But he was practically holding him up with his hands gently on his face. "What is it?" His voice was so tender, so full of care and devotion.

Wei Wuxian looked at him, cheeks wet. "I..."

Lan Wangji, seemingly knowing exactly what he needed, softly turned Wei Wuxian over onto his back. He turned on his side, elbow propping himself up so that he was hovered above Wei Wuxian without full-body looming, like he had earlier. With the arm that was propping himself up, he began to brush his fingers through Wei Wuxian's hair. His other, free hand, caressed Wei Wuxian's face. "Mm," he hummed, brushing tears away with his thumb. "My Wei Ying," he said, voice like a breeze.

Wei Wuxian looked up at him, a soft sob leaving him as Lan Wangji said those words. "I just--"

Lan Wangji looked down at him patiently, expression and hands so gentle and warm.

"Just--" He tugged Lan Wangji down, wrapping his arms around his shoulders as tightly as he could. Lan Wangji went down willingly, pliantly, tucking the arm that had been holding him up under Wei Wuxian's neck, and the other shifting to wrap around his waist. He remained higher up on the bed, head on the pillow, so that Wei Wuxian could wriggle his way down to tuck his face into Lan Wangji's neck. He began to cry in earnest. "I'm sorry," he wept. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry, Wei Ying," Lan Wangji said gently. His arms were tight around him; grounding.

"But I am," he breathed. "I have so many things to be sorry for. I'm-I feel so miserable all the time. I feel like I've always been miserable, Lan Zhan. Even before everything. Even when I was at Lotus Pier as head disciple with my siblings. I didn't belong there, I didn't, and I tried to make myself belong there for so long."

Lan Wangji just breathed, and Wei Wuxian could hear it and could feel it and that was plenty.

"I-I-" His words stuttered in tune with his sobs. "I felt like I've never had a place. Everything is familiar, but not home. How can I live in a world I don't belong in? That's how I feel, how I've always felt, but there was never any time to think about it."

His arms tightened around Wei Wuxian, but he remained silent.

"And-" By this point, Wei Wuxian's chest was physically aching, both in love and in despair. "And I love you and I've always loved you and I didn't know what to do with it. Because I thought I was supposed to belong in Lotus Pier, and when I met you and when we began spending all that time together, I began to feel about you how I was supposed to feel about the Jiangs and their home."

"Oh, Wei Ying," Lan Wangji murmured, lips brushing on his hair.

"Lan Zhan, you have to understand. I was afraid. I was afraid of that feeling and I felt like I had done something wrong because I was always feeling like I had done something wrong to the Jiangs. And then when I came back-" He cut himself off when another sob wracked through his chest. For a reason unbeknownst to Wei Wuxian, it was very difficult for him to talk about coming back. If he had to guess, it was because he was afraid of having to go again. "When I came back, I had nothing except for you. And it felt right and familiar and it made me feel guilty, because look at everything I had done. How could it be right of me to feel joy and comfort and belonging with you after I had destroyed everyone else's lives?"

The arm around Wei Wuxian's waist shifted up to press into his hair, cradling Wei Wuxian's head lovingly and protectively. He clearly had thoughts about Wei Wuxian's words, but let him speak.

"But in thinking this way," Wei Wuxian said shakily, "I hurt you, too. I'm so sorry for that. I've hurt you so much, so many times, simply because I couldn't figure out my own burdens."

Lan Wangji sighed, unable to take it anymore. "Wei Ying, my love," he said softly, fingers brushing through his hair. "I understand. I do. I understand more than I think you realize. Of course I felt the same way when we were young. I also felt out of place and felt a sense of duty that I did not think I could achieve no matter what I did. I also felt that belonging with you and was afraid of it. I thought my devotion to you should have been to my sect. Of course I know. I know you."

Wei Wuxian squeezed his eyes shut and pressed further into him.

"I know that I have hurt you, too." His voice was weaker now. "I have failed you many times because of my own fear."

Wei Wuxian made a noise of protest. "No. No, Lan Zhan, you've always been perfect to me."

Lan Wangji huffed out a breath that sounded like a laugh. "I feel the same way when you talk of failing me. Wei Ying, I think we both have just failed a lot throughout our lifetimes. And I love you too much to even think of blaming you for circumstances outside of your control."

Wei Wuxian weighed his words and found that he did agree. He kissed Lan Wangji's skin, afraid to speak.

"I think that every person who lives is meant to be alive. I think that every person on this earth is here for a reason. Everyone has a purpose and those purposes are different things, so we all find our belonging in different ways. I think many happen to find belonging with who they are born with or where they are born. Not because their purpose is existing in Lotus Pier or in the Cloud Recesses, but because those places are the hands that hold those people alongside what they are here for." His voice was so enchanting, so smooth, so cold. It was like water flowing down a stream and it was taking Wei Wuxian with it down the current.

Wei Wuxian felt his breath settling at the sound of Lan Wangji speaking those words. Even though they didn't take the pain away from the past, it made the past make more sense, and that was enough for Wei Wuxian.

"You and I," Lan Wangji said, his own voice now shaking. "You and I didn't have a place to hold us together. I don't mean that my only purpose is you and that your only purpose is me. We each have our own purposes. But I think, because my purpose is not tied to the Cloud Recesses and yours is not tied to Lotus Pier, we needed a different vessel in which to hold us together with our purpose. The Cloud Recesses are the hands that hold my brother and Lotus Pier are the hands that hold your brother." Lan Wangji paused, chest seeming to stutter with his words. "Wei Ying, you are my hands."

Wei Wuxian's arms tightened as he began to cry again. He nodded his affirmation, knowing he would not be able to speak past the tears in his throat for the moment. Lan Wangji let him gather himself and gather his thoughts. When he did begin to feel put-together enough to speak, his voice could barely be considered anything more than a croak. "I never thought about it like that, Lan Zhan. But you're right. You're completely right, that's what it is."

Lan Wangji pulled back to look down at his face. His eyes were wet with tears. "Wei Ying," he whispered, voice weak. "Your burdens are my burdens. My burdens are your burdens. To be truthful, I don't even consider them to be mine or yours at this point. They're just ours. Everything that is mine is yours."

Wei Wuxian reached up and held his face in his hand. "Lan Zhan, I would like to make one adjustment to your incredibly accurate and lovely theory."

Lan Wangji's lips twitched upwards. He looked at every part of his face, like he couldn't get enough. "Tell me, Wei Ying."

Wei Wuxian lifted his head so their noses brushed, and their breaths mingled. "Lan Zhan, you are my hands, but I think you're most of my purpose, too."

__________

Wei Wuxian didn’t have another episode for two more days. He kept expecting it to happen, but it didn’t. He didn’t get dizzy either, which was what typically happened when he was about to slip. He couldn’t explain why. He honestly hadn’t gone that long without an episode for quite some time. The doctors had no idea why either. Wei Wuxian had really been hoping it was just going to stay away. He joked that it was true love’s kiss that healed him. Much to Wei Wuxian’s chagrin, Lan Wangji didn’t think it was very funny.

However, a few nights after they had talked, it happened. Instead of opening his eyes to see the Jingshi, however, he was in a bright white room. Or, at least, it seemed white when he blinked his eyes open at first. It was just pristine and full of sunlight. He frowned, looking around. Nothing seemed familiar this time. Oddly, that was more comforting than knowing he was meant to know where he was, but didn’t.

“Wei Ying?”

Wei Wuxian turned, finding the owner of that voice. “Lan Zhan,” he said. “Where are we?”

Lan Wangji looked incredibly worried. He was standing very near, hovering. “We’re in the medical pavilions. The doctors have been observing you.”

“What happened?”

“You had another nightmare. You woke up disoriented and upset, then went catatonic, like last time.”

Wei Wuxian thought back. “Hm. I don’t remember a nightmare. The last thing I remember is making out before I fell asleep on top of you.”

Lan Wangji’s eyes widened slightly, ears immediately turning red. He was much less bold in the daylight.

Wei Wuxian snorted.

A doctor walked in, pausing when he saw that Wei Wuxian was responsive. “Wei-gongzi,” he said in greeting. He bowed towards Lan Wangji. “Hanguang-jun.”

Lan Wangji nodded at him, looking like he was trying to hide the fact that he was flushed. Wei Wuxian watched him, satisfied and very much wishing he was closer.

“You’re awake,” the doctor said. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” he said. “A little confused. Disoriented. It’s not as bad when I wake up after going to sleep. It just feels like waking up in a different place. And it’s worse when I know I'm supposed to be in a place that I know. I’m not familiar with this room, so it wasn’t as…” He didn’t want to say scary. Which it was.

The doctor nodded anyway, seeming to understand. “We observed you for quite some time and had Hanguang-jun share with us exactly how it happened. Based on your report from a few days ago, at his excellency’s request, we had sent out inquiries to the other sects to garner their opinion. We just received some feedback.”

“Oh?” Wei Wuxian glanced at Lan Wangji, slightly uncomfortable at the thought of all the sects knowing about his problem. Lan Wangji shook his head minutely, knowing what he was thinking. Wei Wuxian relaxed. “What’d they say?”

“The Jiang sect was familiar with the symptoms. They are sending the lead doctor from their own case. He should be here shortly.”

“The Jiang sect, huh?” Wei Wuxian asked, stomach plummeting. He felt a little depressed. He missed Jiang Cheng whenever he thought about him. He also felt immeasurable guilt when he thought of him, so he tried not to do it very often.

Although, he was quite relieved to hear that someone else had dealt with this issue and heard of it. “Do you know if the person was fixed?” He asked.

“That is the impression we got,” the doctor said, nodding.

Wei Wuxian’s shoulders slumped as he looked at Lan Wangji, who also appeared less stressed than he had in days. Wei Wuxian looked back at the doctor. “The way you’re talking about it is like it’s not a curse. It’s a medical issue?”

The doctor did not confirm or deny. “Sorry, Wei-gongzi. We do not know. We are waiting to hear from the Jiang doctor.”

Wei Wuxian nodded and the doctor left immediately after bowing. He sat there for a moment and looked out the window. The sun was shining into the room from a high angle. It had been a long episode then. “Happened for a while this time, huh?”

Lan Wangji sat next to him on the bed. “Yes.”

Wei Wuxian pressed his shoulder against his as he watched his side profile. “Sorry. Did you worry very much?”

Lan Wangji said nothing and pulled Wei Wuxian’s hand into his. He brushed his fingers in gentle patterns across his palm.

Wei Wuxian rested his head against his shoulder. “I’ll be ok. The Jiang doctors are great. I couldn’t tell you how many times I was sent there with broken bones and gashes the size of a rabbit. They fixed me up every time.”

Lan Wangji shot him a flat look.

Wei Wuxian laughed.

They stayed like that for a while, in a comfortable silence. Wei Wuxian eventually laid back on the bed, back aching from sitting up for so long. Lan Wangji stayed where he was, but turned his body so he was facing him. He still held his hand, though he was now staring out the window.

Wei Wuxian’s eyes fluttered shut, feeling tired. “How long this time? Twelve hours?”

“Around that,” Lan Wangji said.

“Mm, you must be so tired,” Wei Wuxian murmured. “I’m exhausted and I just sat around. You worried yourself the entire time, which is always so tiring. Lay down with me.”

Lan Wangji neither moved nor spoke.

Wei Wuxian groaned and pulled himself up so he could drape himself over Lan Wangji and hang off him like a limpet. “Please, I just want to be close to you. I told you I never want to be without you again. Simply holding my hand is not enough.”

Lan Wangji put an arm around him and nosed at his cheek. His lips brushed against his jaw. “I’m waiting for the Jiang doctor. You may rest if you’re tired.”

Wei Wuxian sighed and shifted so he was more comfortable against him. “Oh, fine. I’ll rest. But I won’t move.”

He did not seem to mind. He accommodated Wei Wuxian’s position and weight, holding him comfortably against him. Wei Wuxian rested the side of his head on Lan Wangji’s collarbone, face against his neck. He kissed his throat once and Lan Wangji pulled him in closer. His eyes shut again, barely able to keep them open. "How's Little Apple doing?"

"Fine," Lan Wangji responded quietly, as if he was reserving the quiet atmosphere. "She's adjusting well."

"Good," Wei Wuxian smiled. They fell into silence again. He dozed in and out of consciousness for a while. He couldn’t be quite certain how long it was. He eventually heard footsteps sound off in the room and he peeled his eyes open when Lan Wangji seemed to straighten.

Wei Wuxian blearily pulled himself out of Lan Wangji’s arms as he rubbed his eyes tiredly. The Jiang disciple entered without fuss and bowed to Lan Wangji. He nodded in return.

“Your excellency.” He looked at Wei Wuxian. “Wei-gongzi.”

Wei Wuxian smiled at his familiar face. “Hi.”

He stood straight and respectfully as a few Lan doctors entered and bowed to Lan Wangji. “I was informed to give Hanguang-jun this letter to give to you, Wei-gongzi, but since it appears that you are the patient, I will give it straight to you.”

Wei Wuxian received it with both hands, nodding in thanks. Curious, he opened the letter and looked down at it, noting the familiar penmanship.

Wei Wuxian, I know you’re in the Cloud Recesses. You should be grateful I didn’t immediately out you to the rest of the sect for being the patient the Lans needed help with. Only you would wreak so much havoc that the Lan sect would have to ask for help in regards to a medical case.

Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but snort incredulously. They all stared at him oddly.

My doctors are under strict orders to not tell a soul who the patient from my own sect was who had the same condition as you. The only reason I’m telling you is because I know you won’t believe them unless I tell you the truth. I’m the patient. The one they treated was me. I suffered the same affliction several years ago. I don’t know how different yours is, but the symptoms are very similar and we share the same history. This is how I knew the patient was you.

It’s a sickness of the mind, Wei Wuxian. The Lans shared with me what your symptoms were. You’re probably too thick to connect the dots, but I will go out on a limb and guess that you slip into these episodes whenever you are experiencing some kind of negative emotion, like the nightmares you’ve been having. That is how many of my own episodes started. I had to be observed nearly all of the time before the doctors were able to figure it out, so you better be thankful you don’t have to be watched like an animal for months on end.

Your body is defending itself. It’s like passing out from physical injury. When we become too injured and experience too much pain to function, our bodies shut down, but do not immediately die. When the brain experiences too much mental injury, it also passes out, in a sense. It’s a protective factor to spare you from further pain. The reason you experience so much confusion is because your mind is disconnecting from your body. It’s only natural to take a while to reconnect.

The doctors are going to tell you the same thing, but I’m telling you first because you’ll tell them they don’t know what they’re talking about. They do. I had to painfully go over every negative thing I’ve ever gone through in order to try and find what my mind was trying to protect me from. I don’t have a definitive answer, but I do know that in processing it, I was able to move past it all. I no longer have those severe episodes. I sometimes slip into deep distraction in which I cannot focus for a few minutes, but it does not last very long, and I remain fully conscious. In other words, I’m alive, I wasn’t dying, and neither will you.

Now pretend you know nothing and give your full attention to the doctors.

Sect Leader Jiang

Wei Wuxian blinked at the paper, silent for several moments. He pretended to still be reading so his brain could have a moment to process what the words were saying. He was speechless.

He looked up at them, blinking and smiling warmly at them. He thanked them for delivering the letter and gestured for them to speak. As the doctor relayed the exact things that Jiang Cheng had detailed in the letter, only without disclosing that it was Jiang Cheng who was the one who experienced it, Wei Wuxian completely zoned out, lamenting what his brother shared with him. Oh, how he had failed so many people he loved.

Lan Wangji, however, was listening intently. While he seemed relieved that Wei Wuxian was not knocking on death’s door, he also seemed significantly distressed at the reality of the situation.

Wei Wuxian tuned back into the real world when he finished speaking. He nodded at him and smiled. “Thank you for your time and effort in coming here.”

He nodded at him. The Lan doctors stepped forward. “We will confer and find out what we need to do to treat you here so that he may return to Lotus Pier. We will let you know when we are ready to begin.”

Wei Wuxian nodded again. “Sounds like a plan.”

They bowed and left promptly.

As soon as they were out of ear shot, Wei Wuxian turned to Lan Wangji and thrust the letter into his hands. “Read this, Lan Zhan.”

Only when Lan Wangji was halfway through did Wei Wuxian consider the fact that Jiang Cheng probably hadn’t meant for Lan Wangji to know. Wei Wuxian didn’t dwell on it. Lan Wangji was his soulmate. What was he supposed to do, keep a secret from his zhiji?

When Lan Wangji was finished, he glanced up, meeting Wei Wuxian’s gaze. He looked sad. “Wei Ying,” he said.

Wei Wuxian nodded in agreement. “Lan Zhan.”

Lan Wangji set the letter down and they reached for each other at the same time. Wei Wuxian tucked his face into Lan Wangji’s neck again. He felt quite safe there. “I’m sorry, Wei Ying.”

He shook his head, pressing his lips to his neck. “No. No sorries. It’s over and done with, remember?”

“Not quite,” he pointed out.

Wei Wuxian smiled and tugged on his skin with his teeth, teasing. He pulled back and looked up at him when Lan Wangji's hands tightened. “To be honest, a part of me is a little relieved. I really was worried I might have been dying.”

Lan Wangji’s eyes narrowed. He did not like flippant talk about Wei Wuxian and death. “I would not have let that happen.” His voice was stubborn, almost petulant. It was denial rather than fact.

Wei Wuxian, however, smiled warmly, repeating the words Lan Wangji had said to him a few nights earlier. “Kiss me. Please. Please, Lan Zhan.”

Lan Wangji’s eyes drifted to his lips. He bent forward agonizingly slow, just as Wei Wuxian had expected him to. His lips eventually met his. Wei Wuxian sighed through his nose and reached up with both hands, one on his face and the other tugging lightly on his forehead ribbon. Lan Wangji reached up and held his hands in his.

I can see the clouds, he thought. I can feel the cold morning dew dripping from the trees. I can smell the snow on ground. I can hear the sound of a river trip and fall on the rocks.