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The morning after the play at Henley Hall, Neil left his parents’ home and walked back to Welton with a skip in his step. When he approached the dorms, he was practically attacked by the rest of the Dead Poets. All of them cheered for him and sang their praises, congratulating him left and right. They had congratulated him plenty last night, but Neil had told them he had to leave with his parents and the boys clearly had not had their fill of showering him in compliments. As Neil looked around he saw the faces of his friends who he loved dearly.
Except for Todd - where’s Todd?
When he was finally able to disentangle himself from the group of young men surrounding him, he went back to his dorm room and told the boys he would meet up with them later.
He walked in and saw Todd sitting on his bed with his notebook and a pen in hand. He smiled to himself, reveling in the now typical scene before him, and cleared his throat to call Todd’s attention.
Todd startled, clearly having been lost in deep thought, and looked up at Neil. He returned his smile.
“It went well then?”
“He’s threatened me within an inch of my life if my grades slip at all, but… he’s actually going to let me stick with it,” Neil told Todd, still in disbelief himself. “I - Todd, I don’t know how to thank you.” Neil felt himself becoming choked up, not for the first time in the past 24 hours.
Todd looked at him with amusement painted on his features.
“You don’t have to thank me for anything, Neil. No one would, but especially not you.”
“I know I don’t have to, but I just - Todd I really don’t think I’d be here right now if it weren’t for you. With the way I was feeling yesterday, I - I -” he lost the words as he began to cry.
Todd immediately jumped up from his bed and was at his side in a second.
“Hey, Neil, it’s okay. Really, it’s okay.”
Todd’s attempts to placate him only led to him crying even harder. Why am I crying when I’m so happy? Aren’t people only supposed to cry when they’re sad?
“Why don’t you sit down for a minute?” Todd offered, leading Neil to his bed. Todd sat down beside him and slung an arm around his shoulders.
“I think everything is just hitting you now and it's overwhelming. It’s normal to cry when you’re overwhelmed, too, not just when you’re sad.”
Neil looked up at him with an expression that clearly said And what the hell would you know about it?
Todd just chuckled and shrugged. “That’s what I hear, anyway.”
Neil returned a laugh and finally calmed himself enough to finish his thought.
“Todd, when I came back to the dorm before talking to him, I - I didn’t have any hope left in me. I know I’m the one always saying to find the positive in every situation, but with not being able to do the play and my father finding out that I had lied to him… I mean, I figured he was going to send me to military school or something. And I thought to myself that I would rather die than continue to stay under his thumb like that.”
Todd wrapped his arm tighter around Neil’s shoulders and leaned into him.
“Well, I know I would have missed the hell out of you. I know the others would have too. I’m glad you’re here, Neil. Whether you know it or not, you make our lives better. You - you make my life better.”
He paused for a moment, like he wasn’t sure if this was something he should have said.
Neil looked over at Todd and stared into his blue eyes, finding warmth in their icy depths. There had been something there between them the day before yesterday, when Neil had hugged him. He was so worked up with grief and fear in the wake of his father’s confrontation that he figured he had made it up. Conjured anything to help himself feel better in that moment.
But when he looked into Todd’s eyes now, he saw that same look, felt that same tug in his chest pulling him toward Todd. He didn’t know what it meant, but he did know that he felt differently about Todd than he had ever felt about any of his other friends.
Their bond was stronger somehow. Deeper, despite not having known each other for so long. It was like their souls were one in the same. Even though they were wildly different from each other, there was something there that was inexplicable. Too enigmatic to put into words.
He thought about all of the times that they had laughed together in this dorm and the hours they had spent in comfortable silence. The way that, almost from the very beginning, they had felt totally at peace with one another. Neil had always been fine with his roommates in the past, but he had never felt the level of peace that he did when Todd was around. He didn’t know if it was because Todd was new, and Neil had immediately felt the need to include him, or because he was shy, and Neil had wanted to protect him. He didn’t know if it was some combination of the two or something else entirely. But he did know that he had immediately felt drawn to him.
He had seen Todd come out of his shell so much in the past year. He knew a lot of that had been Keating’s doing, but he liked to think that he had played a role in that, as well. He hadn’t realized how beautiful Todd was until he saw him deliver his poem in front of the whole class. And even then he didn't really understand the way in which his feelings had shifted, only that they had. All he knew was that Todd made him feel so full of emotions that swelled in his chest. He didn’t have a name for them, but he knew that he liked the way it felt.
His eyes moved from Todd’s eyes to his lips and god they looked so soft. He wondered what they would feel like pressed against his. He noticed Todd’s lips part and moved his gaze upward to meet Todd’s again. There was an answer there to a question that Neil hadn’t realized he was asking.
Before he knew it, he was moving forward and his lips were met with Todd’s.
His insides rioted, fluttering with emotions he hadn’t known he could feel. The feelings that had sat in his chest for so long, bursting forth in one brilliant moment. He felt Todd’s other hand move to his knee and brought his own hand up to cup Todd’s cheek.
Neil had only ever kissed one person before, a girl he went to elementary school with. He couldn’t even remember her name, but he knew it hadn’t been very good. Nothing like this. Not even close.
Neil leaned further into Todd, deepening the kiss. Todd mirrored his enthusiasm and Neil thought to himself that he never wanted this to end.
He could have never imagined that he would end up here, especially with Todd. He realized, then, how silly that was. How inevitable this all felt, now that it was happening.
Todd had always been something special. Someone that Neil had instinctively wanted to protect. To have for himself. He had never been wary of his new roommate, even when he didn’t know him. From the start, he had felt drawn to him in some indescribable way.
When they broke apart, Neil looked at Todd and saw his own smile reflected there. He reveled in the knowledge that whatever he felt for Todd was reciprocated. No small miracle.
Neil marveled in how drastically his life had changed in two short days. Where there had been fear, was now comfort. So many of the uncertainties that had been plaguing him, consciously and unconsciously, had been resolved. And he felt more hope than he had in a long time.
That night, Neil fell asleep with Todd wrapped in his arms, and thought about how gracious that unknown higher power was to have given him such joy and to allow him to hang onto it.
~•~
Things returned largely to normal after that. Classes went on as scheduled, with Mr. Keating’s course always looked forward to. The Dead Poets Society continued their meetings in the cave in the woods. And Todd and Neil remained inseparable, though there was a new recognition between the two, and a secret that they shared only between themselves.
“Helton” continued to live up to its name, but, with each other to lean on, they didn’t think it was all that bad. Not when they knew the happiness that awaited them at the end of each day, coming back to each other.
They never told a soul, given the time period and overwhelming lack of acceptance, but there were a few who seemed to notice. None of them ever addressed it, but the couple could tell by the looks they received. Looks filled with love and happiness for them. Looks that said I know, I understand, I support you .
Time moved through the chill of autumn, the gloom of winter, the promise of spring, and the freedom of summer. Year after year, as the temperatures cycled, the leaves changed, and the flowers bloomed and died, they had each other.
And isn’t that the best that life has to offer?