Work Text:
Seoham was an attractive man, everybody said that, so it was only natural to feel attracted to him. And if just occasionally Jaechan felt something close to an infatuation, that he considered normal too. After all, they had gotten pretty close during their few busy months of filming, followed by a quick period of promoting, cut short by Seoham’s enlistment. Anyone would feel what he sometimes felt if they had to kiss once-twice-thrice someone they admired and considered a close friend. No, Jaechan wasn’t concerned about his silly feelings, not when they were spurred by his hormones being funny, reacting to Seoham’s natural charm and all the time they had to spend together, acting a couple.
It was when all the promotions were finished, and he had to focus on the comeback with his group, that his still lingering feelings started to bother him. All of a sudden, he had no reason to go see Seoham when a month before they had spent nearly every day together; abruptly, they went from talking to each other all the time to barely texting on rare occasions.
It bothered Jaechan to no end. Weren’t they fated, him and his doting hyung? As easily as they had been pulled towards each other, they were also set apart, having come together in a stroke of luck, only to fall apart again in the mundane. He wanted to call him every night, to tell him about his day, the stray cat he saw on his way home, the setting sun lighting up his bedroom prettily. He wanted to ask him how he was doing, how was work, was it very dull? Did you go and see the new Thor movie yet, are you eating well, do you sometimes think of me too?
Jaechan wasn’t lonely, not with his teammates and fans supporting him every day; all the attention was still fairly new and unfamiliar, but not unwelcome. He wasn’t bored either, his idol life kept him busy, throwing him into thrilling situations, allowing him to meet new and exciting people. He wasn’t scared or embarrassed to call his hyung, when he had done it so easily so recently for a simple chat even when he had nothing to say.
He just didn’t.
He thought Seoham had stopped contacting him but it went both ways.
He thought he was waiting for a good enough reason to call him, to say
> Hey, guess what!
But no reason ever felt enough.
And the longer the silence between them stretched, the further away he felt from Seoham, as
if he had gone to fight a war in a strange country, instead of working 9-5 in the same city Jaechan lived.
All they had now was a text message here and there, and even those felt like an obligation, a friendly nod across the street to the guy you used to work with.
And Jaechan hated that he could be just another cute dongsaeng to Seoham, and that he couldn’t stop thinking about him, months after their work relationship finished. So, he threw himself into his career in the spotlight, taking on challenges and turning his focus on idol Jaechan, burying Seoham’s Jaechan in the back corner of his closet along a pile of dark hoodies.
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> Hello, this is Jeong In-seong, I’m in charge of Park Seo-ham’s bday party, on oct 28. We would be glad if you could join! Please reply to this message if you are coming, so I can send further details if necessary
He stared at the text message, clearly a copy-paste sent to a bunch of Seoham older and newer friends, not marking Jaechan as anyone special. It was two weeks until the big day and Jaechan already had his gift prepared (he had bought it on a whim, not putting much thought in it), yet he let his thumb hover over the delete button for a bitter second.
He should ask me himself,
a childish impulse to push Seoham even further away, to let him know,
see that? I don’t think about you and I don’t care what you think about me.
But he wasn’t a child anymore so he hit reply instead,
> thank you for the invite, when and where is the party?
Two weeks later and Jaechan was standing before the restaurant’s entrance, fidgeting with the straps of his bag, trying to peek inside to see if Seoham was already there. He could count ten or so people, mostly strangers to him but he guessed he must have at least heard about them from Seoham before. Thinking he spotted a familiar face or two, Jaechan took a calming breath and stepped inside.
Upbeat music was playing loudly and the dim lights created a club-like atmosphere. There was one long table in the middle of the room where all the food and drinks were set, but only a few guests were sitting there, scrolling on their phones. The restaurant stretched further into smaller rooms and areas separated from each other by house plants and bookshelves filled with mason jars and other knickknack, offering a quieter corner for those who wished for it.
From where he was standing, Jaechan could see a group of guys talking not too far from him but most of them had their backs turned towards him and none of them had noticed him enter the restaurant. Loud laughter rang across the room at someone’s joke, and suddenly Jaechan felt so small and awkward that he turned on his heel, ready to run outside, wishing not for the first or last time in his life that he had his teammates with him.
Before he could open the door again, however, he was met by a familiar chest, all dressed up in a black knit jumper and a pea coat. Of course it had to be Seoham, Jaechan cursed mentally, to catch him off guard and flustered. Yet making eye contact with the taller man, it seemed he wasn’t the only one left stunned.
Seoham’s eyes went comically wide as he recognised Jaechan, his lips forming a small oh! and arms frozen in an attempt to stop Jaechan from bumping into him. The sight was so silly yet familiar that he couldn’t help the soft giggle escaping him, seeing Seoham in person for the first time over several long months.
Jaechan took a step back to have a more appropriate space between them and lifted up the small bag still in his hand.
“Happy birthday, hyung. Don’t be so surprised to see me here.”
Seoham seemed to relax a bit, his expression changing into something more cheerful as he accepted Jaechan’s present.
“Thank you, Jaechan-ah,” he said, then looked down at the gift in his hands. There was an awkward pause where neither of them knew what to say or do exactly, something that never really happened between them before. It allowed Jaechan to take in the sight before him; Seoham’s hair had grown back to its regular length and he had brushed it back in an effortless look, he was biting his lower lip gently, clearly looking for something to say. He looked good but then again, he always did, Jaechan considered.
Seoham looked up and started:
“Do you—“
“Hey, look who’s finally here!” someone hollered from across the room, making everybody’s heads turn.
“It’s the birthday boy! Happy birthday!”
Other voices joined in as Seoham was dragged towards the centre of the room and surrounded by well-wishers and hugs, his arms quickly filled with various gift-bags and neatly wrapped boxes, the man himself smiling widely and thanking everybody happily.
Something warm settled in Jaechan’s chest, seeing Seoham surrounded by his friends, his eyes shining in the low light, smile never leaving his face. There was good food and laughter everywhere, there was a cake and twenty nine little candles, endless bottles of beer and soju, even an acoustic guitar someone had brought along and which ignited several off-tune but enthusiastic singalongs.
Jaechan couldn’t stay brooding in company like this. Jiwon, a girl who he guessed to be around his own age, showed him photos of her pet rats on her phone, and that somehow lead to a deep conversation about the types of breakfast cereals. It turned out she was majoring in script writing and had spent a week on the set of Semantic Error, although she hadn’t spoken to neither Jaechan or Seoham there. How she was acquainted with Seoham then, Jaechan never learned. As the night carried on, he got steadily more and more tipsy, encouraged by the overall exuberant air and unending cheering.
Occasionally he would glance at Seoham’s direction across the room, where he was always talking to someone or listening them closely or laughing brightly at their jokes. It was obvious to anyone with eyes, Jaechan thought, why he was so loved. No one else in the room glowed as he did, he was a magnet or maybe the Sun, drawing everybody into his orbit, keeping them there in his light and warmth. Jaechan was almost envious of Seoham, desiring to be more like him, to be worthy of his affections, to be funny enough and pretty enough to draw him closer in return.
Deep in the night, Jaechan’s head was getting heavier and heavier and he knew he had to call his manager to come pick him up. Suddenly he felt a wave of dizziness and he stood up on unsteady legs in search for some fresh air. There was a small courtyard hidden in the back of the restaurant, thankfully empty, where Jaechan could sit on a low brick wall, his feet dangling in air and his head in hands.
Sitting there alone, he laughed softly at himself and his sorry situation. He was physically nearer to Seoham than he had been in months, yet still he felt so impossibly distant, more than ever before.
“I really miss you,” he whispered into his cold hands.
“Jaechannie?” Out of nowhere a familiar voice called. “What are you doing out here?” Seoham asked as Jaechan’s head snapped up.
“Uh…” surprised, he struggled to form a coherent reply, “just getting some air, you know,” he finished pathetically.
Seoham walked closer and he couldn’t even bear to look at him, not in his unraveling state.
“Where’s your coat then, it’s freezing here,” Seoham’s gentle voice came from somewhere very near to him, now close enough for Jaechan to feel his heady perfume, the heat of his body.
“I’m not sure,” still looking down at his own lap, his voice sounding small even to himself. Seoham’s unexpected presence was making him feel drunk again and he thought he was going to lose his mind with how close Seoham was standing to him.
Looking up, he was stunned to see that where he was sitting on the wall he was now high enough to face Seoham directly at eye-level, leaving him nowhere else to look but at his nose, his forehead, his lips. Overwhelmed, Jaechan turned his gaze downwards again, where his knees were nearly touching against Seoham, his mind running at hundred miles per second, heat coursing from the centre of his chest to his cheeks and the tips of his ears, mouth going dry.
“Jaechannie…” Seoham whispered as his hands came up to rest on Jaechan’s thighs, a light touch, nearly innocent in their placement, but Jaechan could swear it was burning right through his core.
Taking a sharp breath in, he looked up again, this time straight into Seoham’s honest eyes, hoping to see whatever answer that would allow him to have this, something reassuring, telling him it was okay what he felt, what he wanted, what he missed so much.
The hands on his thighs got heavier, the breath on his face stronger, and as the pair of dark eyes moved from Jaechan’s eyes to his lips, he realised that maybe he wasn’t alone in this. His heart was beating like crazy, his breathing quickened, and his fingers twitched by his sides, desperate to hold onto something yet terrified to break this moment.
Jaechan kept staring at Seoham’s lips, mesmerised by their shape, and unconsciously he leaned forward just a fraction, his body begging to get closer and closer and closer. Seoham angled his head slightly to nose against Jaechan’s jawline, the featherlike touch setting Jaechan’s skin on fire, their breathing quickly growing laboured, the faint smell of alcohol now clearly evident on both of their breaths.
When Seoham’s hands moved higher, Jaechan couldn’t hold back a small whine as his hands moved to grab onto Seoham’s upper arms, gripping him too tightly, whether to ask him to stop or to encourage him, Jaechan didn’t know. Seoham kept brushing his nose against the side of his face, down to his neck, back up again to his chin, to his cheek. The slow movements were driving Jaechan crazy, he felt so shaky and unbalanced that when the moment presented itself, he only pushed a tiny bit further and captured Seoham’s lips in a soft kiss.
It was nothing like the kisses they had shared on the set, before cameras and microphones and a dozen pair of watchful eyes. He froze against Seoham, mind blank, completely unaware of his surroundings or time passing. All he could feel was Seoham Seoham Seoham, and nothing else mattered.
When Seoham pushed back against his lips, it was like a rubber band snapping, and Jaechan was spurred into action. He opened his mouth to allow him in, unabashedly groaning when their tongues touched, digging his fingers painfully into Seoham’s arms. Seoham’s hands came to hold his face, guiding the kiss deeper, lacing his fingers in Jaechan’s hair. There wasn’t much left of the previous tenderness, with want and heat and pleasure taking over, pushing them together in an almost desperate kiss. Jaechan felt his eyes beginning to water, all his sounds swallowed by Seoham’s perfect mouth.
When Jaechan pulled back a fraction to catch his breath, Seoham’s eyes snapped open and he took half a step away, hands falling from Jaechan’s face. Seeing his shocked face, a cold feeling of dread washed over him, quickly putting out the fire that had burned so brightly inside him mere seconds ago.
“No…” was all Jaechan could say, watching Seoham take another step backwards, hand rising to his lips, a wild look in his eyes. Tears threatened to spill from his already moist eyes when Seoham broke eye contact and buried his face in his hands, clearly in pain and unhappy.
“No, wait,” he tried again but it was not enough, Seoham was already leaving, turning his back towards Jaechan, shoulders hunched and head down. Feeling like a bucket of ice water had been dumped all over him, a freezing hand clenched around his heart, squeezing hard.
“Hyung, wait,” he called out and it sounded more like a sob but at least it made Seoham turn around, even if he wouldn’t meet his eye, even as his hand was already on the door handle.
“I- I’ll go get your coat, alright?” and then he was gone and Jaechan was alone again.
He felt empty and numb. He wanted to go home and bury himself in his blanket. Rubbing his eyes dry, he hopped down from the low wall and just stood there on the small patch of yellow grass. Where had he left his phone? Oh right, it was in his bag, still at the table where he had chatted with Jiwon earlier. What time was it, were his teammates messaging him already, asking him when he would get back? He really needed his phone.
The door opened and Seoham was back with a coat that didn’t belong to Jaechan.
“Sorry, I didn’t know which jacket is yours but you can take mine, I don’t mind.”
Jaechan accepted the coat with stiff fingers and put it on without thinking about it.
Staring at the ground, he asked:
“Can you get my bag as well? Jiwon knows which one it is.”
In a few minutes, Jaechan had his bag in his hands and he quickly fished his phone out, shooting his manager a short *I’m done now* message.
“I have to go, my ride will be here in a moment,” he told Seoham who was still standing nearby, unsure what else he could say or do. Sorry for ruining your birthday party? They were both to blame for that. Can we talk about it tomorrow? He didn’t know what he would say anyway.
“I’ll walk you out,” Seoham replied, not looking at him either.
They made their way back to the street in front of the restaurant, where music from inside could still be heard, and where streetlights cast bleak shadows across the buildings and parked cars. His ride was nowhere to be seen and Jaechan wished Seoham would go back inside, not hover around awkwardly when he had nothing to say, no energy or emotions left to spare.
Finally, fucking finally, a familiar car appeared and Jaechan nearly let out a sigh of relief when it stopped in front of them, his hand quickly grabbing the handle to get inside. He was already seated and ready to shut the door when Seoham suddenly stepped closer and put his hand on the open door, stopping Jaechan from closing it. He bowed lower to look at Jaechan who could do nothing but stare back at him openly.
“I’m sorry, Jaechan, I really am,” was all he said before pushing the door close. As they started driving, Jaechan let his head fall against the window, watching midnight Seoul rush by. Too late he realised he had forgotten to give Seoham his coat back.
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He woke up with his mouth feeling like it was stuffed with cotton, eyelids sticking together. Thankfully there was no headache or nausea but he was thirsty and his face felt terribly puffy. Rolling out of bed, Jaechan shuffled into the kitchen, greeted by Kyoungyoon already looking fresh and dressed.
“Morning sunshine! You look awful,” the boy said cheerily, way too loud for Jaechan’s liking.
“Mmh,” he mumbled in response, grabbing a juice from the fridge and drinking it directly from the pack.
“Had a good time last night?” Kyoungyoon tried again when Jaechan wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
Thinking about it, his head cleared up a bit more, and he felt a mix of emotions. Embarrassment, shyness, sorrow but also a tinge of hope and excitement.
“I guess so, yeah,” he replied finally when the other boy kept looking at him, waiting for an answer. Kyoungyoon didn’t seem satisfied by his answer though, he asked again, this time in a more careful tone:
“Did you get a chance to catch up with Seoham-hyung? What’s he been doing lately?”
Despite himself, Jaechan blushed, the memories from previous night coming back stronger at the mention of his name. They hadn’t actually talked to each other much and Jaechan had no idea how he was doing, not really.
“You know, he’s busy with work and stuff,” he said, shrugging. It was weird, Kyoungyoon had never before asked about Seoham and Jaechan didn’t understand why he was so interested about his daily life this time.
“Oh I see,” Kyoungyoon nodded thoughtfully. “It’s a shame though that you guys see each other so little now. I get that he has a job and more responsibilities but he should still have time on the weekends, right? Maybe you two can go somewhere again, now that we don’t have much schedule at the moment.”
Jaechan stared at his friend. What was he saying?
“Don’t look at me like that. You’ve been working so hard and you deserve a vacation, even if it’s just for a few days. And it shouldn’t be with us, we’ll annoy each other to death. You should ask Seoham-hyung to go with you.”
There was no way he could do that, Jaechan thought. Everything was ruined now, his head a mess, and none of his feelings made sense anymore.
“Uh-huh,” he said as he escaped the kitchen and Kyoungyoon’s sympathetic look. He closed the door to his room and crawled back under the covers, hand feeling the sheets for his phone. Unlocking it, he saw a new message notification from Seoham and his heart skipped a beat, his hands tightly gripping the phone. What if it was an apology again, sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, please let’s forget about it? Or even worse, a logical explanation, how these things sometimes happened when people drunk too much and it was completely normal, so don’t worry about it?
Jaechan opened the message and screwed his eyes shut. He peeked through his lashes at the bright screen, forcing himself to read the words in front of him.
It was sent at 2:13 in the morning as a single block of text.
Jaechan quickly scanned through it first before reading it more carefully the second time. He bit into his knuckles and smiled to himself, seeing the words written by Seoham late at night:
> hey I hope you got home safe and are already asleep but I cant sleep so I’m writing you to say thank you for your gift and for coming to my birthday party, I was very happy to see you again and I know I should’ve called you more often to ask how you’re doing but I guess i was afraid I don’t know why but I think you are amazing you know that?? I really admire you jaechannie and maybe that’s why i kissed you and I’m not sorry that I did and I hope you’re not either. please don’t think too harshly of your silly hyung and let’s talk again sometimes