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Chapter Text

-We're here, sir," said Lark.
-Finally, says Oswald Cobblepot, better known as the Penguin to his friends and enemies. -Take the rest of the day off, Lark.
-Thank you, sir.
-It's nothing, said the Penguin as he got out of the car.

Home sweet home.

He entered and found his eldest son Ignatius in the entrance hall talking to the staff.

-Everything has to be impeccable and I want you to know your alibi by heart... Hey dad, here already? The lawyers did a good job.
-That's why we pay them well. How did everything go while I was away?Oswald asked while handing his belongings to a chambermaid without a look.
-Nothing more to report at the Iceberd than the usual incidents, Ignatius replied.
-The casinos?
-The house wins as usual.
-Drugs?
-The Khadym need a warning about who is in charge. Poison Ivy also has a new form of magic mushroom that she would like to market.
-Interesting. Weapon?
-The White Shark is a pain in the ass and I think we should reconsider the Dealer's offer.
-Language, son! And I decide whether we accept the Dealer's offer. Art and merchandise?
-Oh, we found some pretty expensive things for the buyers. I saved us a Van Gogh for the grand salon. The Kingfisher.
-Good choice, it will be lovely above the chimney. Did my colleagues come by?
-Two have been asked to spend the night in the guest rooms after going AWOL from Arkham. The hatter made waffles the next day for breakfast, which was nice.
-The birds?
-The vet says they are all fine...including the Emu. It will bury us.
-I will settle for her to bury the bat. And school?
-Erm...

Hasty steps saved Ignatius from responding. A young boy ran up to Oswald and hugged him. The Penguin let one of his rare cruelty-free smiles slip as he ran his hand through the child's curly hair.

-I have missed you too Martin. Did everyone behave during my absence?
-I'm gonna f*****g kill you! shouted a voice from upstairs.

Martin signed the answer: mostly.

-Shouldn't they be with their mothers?
-Ethan says the internet is better here for his homework ," says Ignatius. -And the twins really didn't like their mother's new boyfriend.
-They could have asked if it was just that. A better connection or a hitman are very affordable these days...

A gunshot was heard.

Oswald took a deep breath before whispering:
-If I wanted to keep separating people who are trying to murder each other for stupid reasons, I would have stayed in prison.

And he climbed the stairs.

******

-What did I say about trying to kill your siblings? Oswald asked sternly.
-I fired blanks at the ceiling," Aiden said piteously. -I just wanted to separate them...
-Traitor! My own twin!" complains Addison.
-Hush! I have asked a question and I am waiting for an answer.
-...To save it for when you're dead because you don't want to see that and fighting for your criminal empire is the only valid reason to kill each other, Ethan finally said.
-Good! Am I dead?
-No, sire.
-So may I know the reason for your conflict?
-...He took my mug.
-I didn't even know you had a reserve mug for yourself!
-I always use it! And you wouldn't give it back to me when I told you!
-Could I at least finish my tea?
-You could have transferred it to another mug," said Aiden.
-Not only is it more work for the maid, but it will cool the tea!
-You know what? I have changed my mind. Just slaughtering eachother, is not worth the trouble.

Chapter Text

Harley was tied to a chair with a hood over her face. When the hood was finally removed, she realized that the Penguin was sitting across from her with one of his umbrellas pointed in her direction.

-Hey Ozzy...
-Quinn, I am not in the mood. You have two minute to give me a good reason not to shoot you between the eyes.
-Yeah, you look a little tired, buddy," said Harley, looking concerned for him.-Look, I wasn't gonna do anything wrong, I just...
-NOTHING WRONG? You tried to steal me! You took ...said the Penguin, shaking the red and black checked bag.
-A blanket?

Oswald looks at the woman in the jester's costume with confusion. With her, it could as much be that she'd been kicked out again by the Joker and wanted a blanket to be more comfortable in her car to sleep on as it was that Punding had asked her to bring back a blanket from the children so that the hyenas would become familiar with their scent in case he had a disagreement with the Penguin.

-Look, I get it, I have nephews. It's like snakes and venom. The younger they are, the worse their microbes are. And then each one passes it on to the other and becomes worse with each new host.
-I'm going to ask Zsasz to finding out who sent their brat to daycare with gastroenteritis and to cut off their eyelids, take out their intestines from the front and the back while keeping them alive because I swear that's how I feel right now. It had to be the week when I had everyone!
-Did he catch it too?" asked Harley.
-Who? Zsasz?
-Yeah, because I'd wait a while if I were you. I mean, you gave it to Ed, who gave it to Professor Crane who gave it to Jervis who gave it to me. Punding and Red are immune,but I think Arnold's starting to show symptoms.

The Penguin swore under his breath.

-And that's why I'm here. If we all have to go through this, so does he.
-He?
-The Bat-bully! I wanted to put the blanket in his car, under a seat. That way he and maybe all his little gang will get as sick as we are. Wouldn't that cheer you up a little?

Oswald stares at her for a moment before standing up and untying her without a word.

-Forget the blanket. Just go to the laundry and get the youngest's pajamas. That should be more effective.
-Thanks, Oz! Hey, while I'm here, do you want me to make you some soup or I do have that great herbal tea that Pam gave me...
-Just lock the door behind you," said Oswald, already walking up to his room.

Chapter Text

A limousine stopped in front of a warehouse that looked disused. The door swung open violently with the Penguin came out and turned to the door and barked:
-Get down! Now!
-Dad, I swear to you that...
-Ethan Oswald Cobblepot, you get out of the car right now or you will regret it!

His son hesitantly got out of the car and Oswald, having lost patience, took him by the arm and dragged him towards the building. Once in front, the Penguin knocked on the door with force.

-Open, it's the Penguin asking to see the Mad Hatter!

Ethan wonders what kind of strange existence he lives in where that phrase looking like from a children's book is so terrifying.
A woman dressed as a sexy rabbit (hare actually) opens the door.

-Good evening Harriet, can we go inside?

The woman stares at the crime boss who is still holding his frightened son by the wrist.

-...Sure, I'll put a kettle on.

*****

-Dodo darling? To what do I owe the honour of a visit from you and your nestling? asks the mad hatter as he gets up from the mattress where he is sitting smoking a shisha.
-Good evening Jervis. My boy has something to tell you," Oswald said before pushing Ethan in front of him.
-Dad, I swear I didn't steal anything!
-Ethan!
-I'm normally a fan of nonsense but for once I'd like to understand what's going on," says Jervis.
-My son has stolen one of your toys," said Oswald. -Given our cordial relationship, I did not tolerate this behaviour. We are here to make him give it back to you and to apologise.
-Can I see what he would have stolen from me?" asked the inquisitive hatter.

Oswald pulled a telephone from his pocket and handed it to Jervis.

-There you go. I don't know exactly if it's a piece of your chips that he used for his app or if...
-An app?" asked a confused Jervis.
-Yes, the mind control app.
-I have never conceived app. In fact," says Jervis, looking at the application. -It's not even close to what I use. My technology is based on making the subject docile and obedient. Whereas this is...ou may call it ‘nonsense’ if you like but I’ve heard nonsense, compared with which that would be as sensible as a dictionary!
-What? Father and son asked.
-I think my boss is impressed," says Harriet, returning with a tray of tea.
-Little Eaglet, did you do this all by yourself?" Jervis asked Ethan in wonder.
-Yes, I have" Ethan said in shock before continuing with some pride. -You are one of the many specialists whose work I have read but I wanted to do my own thing. I wanted to try something intrusive. By downloading the app and using it, people become more influenceable by it and the fact that it is specifically designed for groups of people takes advantage of the reduced thinking capacity disp-layed by groups to...
-You take your tea with sugar, lemon, milk...asked Hariet to Oswald who looked in shock as his son discussed mind control technology with the mad hatter.
-I think I'm going to need some whiskies.

Chapter Text

-Ignatius!" exclaimed the Penguin.
-What now?" asked his eldest son. -I'm trying to find out which Black Mask lieutenant is...
-Boy, I just had a very interesting conversation with the university. No one has seen you for three months at any of your classes. Do you have an explanation to offer?
-Maybe they made a mistake. Some of my files are under the name Cobblepot, others under the name Ogilvy and that's when they get the spelling right...
-Ignatius Edward Ogilvy Cobblepot, how stupid do you think I am?
-Fine. I stopped going to my classes! You were in prison, I had the rest of the household to look after, the Lodge, our business and I felt that continuing my classes was unnecessary.
-Unnecessary? You think you'll go far with just your high school diploma? We had a deal! I let you join the family business on condition that you continue to study!
-I don't need a degree to run a criminal empire. How much do you use your PhD in Orthology, exactly, in your business?
-Do you want to know how much I use my knowledge of cell and molecular biology, organismal biology, ecology, evolution, chemistry, mathematics, calculus, statistics, language and business? It's not practical to trade, make weapons, make and sell drugs, launder money or deal with all the mutants, inventions and other crap they look like they came out of a H.G. Well book in this town! Do you know how lucky you are, you ungrateful brat? I am paying to give you an education that many can never have without going into debt!
-Oh, please! You do this for your image and the family honour! And I'm sick to death of family honour. That's why I had to take three years of violin lessons and had to "confirm" that Cousin Joshua had totally fingered a girl at summer camp!
-I thought he asked you to say he had kissed a girl?
-No, fingered. Not that it was any more credible. But back to the point: You have 4 other children including Ethan who is already looking at the top schools specializing in business, technology and computer science! He's going to be your self-made millionaire businessman before he's 25 by making the new additive crap of the next few years. Why can't you just accept that I'm not interested?
-Because it is important, Ignatius. It's not something you're going to get away with throwing a tantrum or giving Zsasz your pocket money to kill your violin teacher. Look, don't you like to study business? So go study something else! What would you like to do? I wouldn't even be angry if you told me you wanted to do a course. That's fine too. Look at the Carpenter, that girl makes a very good living with only a course.
-No, thank you. I am an adult, it is my decision and it is final. But look, even though it might take a while, I promise, I'll pay you back the money you gave me for my studies.
-I don't care about the money! I won't let you ruin your life!
-I can manage without your influence and money. It'll be all the more satisfying," said his son, already daydreaming.

The Emperor Penguin would be a good name. And it's going to piss off his old man.

-Sigh, I didn't want it to come to this," Oswald said with a disappointed look.
-Get to what, father? Are we enemies now? Are you going to put a bounty on my head?
-I am your father, Ignatius. I made you and I can destroy you if I want to. But I don't need something so drastic to manage your whim. You want to act like a spoiled child, I will treat you like one! I will be happy to tell everyone I know about my little baby boy and all the embarrassing incidents he has had. Maybe even I could tell how long you've needed a nightlight to sleep. It's not very threatening, a crime boss who doesn't like the dark.
-I am not afraid of the dark, Father. I just don't like confined, obscure places.
-Oh, my apologies. A crime boss who doesn't like confined, obscure places isn't very threatening, my darling baby.

The Penguin can see the beginnings of doubt in his oldest son's eyes.

-You wouldn't dare.
-You want to test me?

Father and son stare at each other but Ignatius is the first to look down. The young man left the room without a word, barely holding back his anger.

-I expect you to participate in your classes in the next session. Take the opportunity to think about what subject you want to study, concluded the Penguin.
He hears Ignatius pounding the wall with his fist from the other side. Well, as long as he keeps his tantrums private, who cares?

2 months later

-So how is it going?" asked Oswald.
-Fine.I found something I like after all," Ignatius admitted.
-Well, there you go! It was not so hard, after all?
-True, my classes are more interesting than I expected.
-What did you end up taking?

Ignatius hands him one of his textbooks.

-Introduction to Criminology? reads the Penguin in disbelief.
-Don't worry, I didn't take the psychology class that wasn't mandatory," Ignatius said with a smirk. -I don't want to hang out with your friends from the asylum. Honestly, considering the number of people who took it before they ended up there, it must be cursed.

He had prepared himself for all of his father's reactions except this one.
He laughs.

-Waugh, Waugh! You're...a vicious little bastard, you know that?
-Like father, like son.

Chapter Text

Addison hates these parties: it's boring, uptight and reminds her of how she looks. But as Dad says: It's important to keep up appearances. They have the honor of the Cobblepot family to represente. The only consolation is that her father knows how much she hates it and he lets her buy whatever she wants with only one comment:
-Anything for my little dove.

So she does what she has to do: smile stupidly, laugh at awfuls jokes, promise to give the bimbo's number to one of her brothers, change her political views depending on who's talking to her, and see which politician she recognizes from the Iceberg for trying to get a waitress (or waiter) into bed. Suddenly she hears Amanda's laughter (easy to identify, it sounds like a fox who hyperventilates).

-Did you see that girl? What is she wearing? says Amanda.
-Something that even dead my grandmother would not wear, says Reiner.
-Wayne should have continued to adopt pretty boys instead of this retard, complains Wendy.
-Not even able to speak properly! continues Reiner.
-I'mmmm Cas-san-dra! imitates Amanda with a voice that sounds like a mix between Rain Man and a Chinese accent from a 50's movie.
-HAHAHA!

They talk about Cassandra Wayne, the new adopted child of Bruce Wayne. Her father thinks Bruce has just as many bastards as he does but doesn't have the guts to assume it. So he will just say that he adopts them out of kindness to hide the scandal and be fashionable. As much as it would mean that the guy has been sexually active since he was 12 years old, the counter argument is that all of his adopted children have black hair, blue or green eyes and are physical athletes like him. Between her and her brothers who are all biological children of the Penguin, there is already more diversity: 2 blond, 2 ebony and one brunette, 4 blue-eyed and one hazel-eyed, 3 tall and 2 short, not to mention that she is the only one with her father's nose.

What a bunch of idiots! Whatever is wrong with this girl, it can't be worse than...Oh no.
Addison doesn't know if Cassandra hasn't learned English well yet, if she has anxiety, is autistic or just traumatized by what her life was like before. But she knows the face of someone who knows they are being made fun of when she see it. And this is the case with Cassandra.

...What the heck, her dad will give her a hard time in the worst case scenario.

******

Cassandra did not want to come. Too many noises, words, rules and social code to remember. It's just too much for her. These three: the blonde girl with fox eyes , the tall brown boy with the body language of a scavenger and the black girl with a smile that has too many teeth like a shark have been watching her since the beginning of the evening, amused. She knows that they are laughing at her and that whatever they say is very funny.

She wishes Stephanie were here.

Suddenly this other girl arrives: small, curvy, jet-black hair and a long pointed nose. This expression in her features: pride of a monarch, control to hide an insecurity, voracity of a hunger that will never be satisfied, icy anger ready to destroy everything in her path. Father and daughter look very much alike, Cassandra notes.
But Cassandra wouldn't give her the same bird as a totem. With her hair up, her quick movements despite her physique and all her finery, she reminded her of a little rooster. A vicious little thing that even if it looks a little silly is ready to give you a deadly ergot shot.

*****

-Amanda, honey! Nice to see you too Reiner and Wendy! Addison continued with a smile that did not reach her eyes. -What makes you laugh like that?
-Nothing...
-Cassandra Wayne, says Reiner.

He was always the dumb one of the trio.

-And it's funny because...?
-Uh...Well, you know...she's a little...weird and...she talks funny, begins Reiner realizing he's walked into a trap.
-No, I'm sorry, I must have missed the humor, Addison says, looking at her nails. -You know, the older you get, the harder it is to learn another language. Or maybe she has a hearing problem and because she can't hear herself, her voice sounds strange. Or maybe her throat is the problem. You know, throat cancer even if it don't take your voice away can still feel like you're gargling with nails with every word you say. Or maybe she's just no-neurotypical. You know, the kind of weirdo who can't look you in the eye but finds the cure for cancer. So the opposite of you, whose parents have paid their doctors to find every possible medical excuse in the book to give you more time for exams and yet they still had to pay for the new school library to get you through sixth grade. But at least you are a social butterfly! Mostly.

Addison then turned her attention to Wendy. Let's finish the weakest one with...compassion we will say.

-You know, you're right. This dress is atrocious. It covers her too much, it doesn't show off her body and it's too simple. And yet, everyone notices her. I mean, I don't think she has any makeup on and look at that face. Personally, I need 2 hours to get ready and custom made clothes just to look pretty without hopping for more. Seriously, Wendy, I just wish I could be like you and come in with a discounted fake Channel dress. So ironic!
-...It's not a fake.
-Honey," said Addison, taking her arm and pointing to a seam. -It is a mass production to the ready-to-wear industrial made in China. Trust me, I have an eye for fakes.
-Is it any wonder that it runs in the family? Amanda says.
-Good taste?
-Be a piece of trash thug who like to plays aristocrats wannabie.

******

Oh no, thought Cassandra. Everything about the rooster suggests that she will kill the fox.

******

Ok, she wants to go for the jugular? Let's show her we don't mess with the Penguin daughter!

-Amanda, my father is out of jail because everything they had against him turned out to be unfounded. Are we careless about where our customers' money comes from? Yes, but let's face it, 97% of the people here are. My father will treat anyone who wants to do business well as long as they give him the same respect that he offers. And yes, that includes the Joker. But unlike yours, my father was never Warren White's partner. How is his trial going? Well, I hope so. Because in prison my father was still a king. Your dad on the other hand... well let's just say guys like your dad end up at the bottom of the food chain.

Amanda looks like she's about to cry. Serves her right.

-It was fun to chat with you but I have more interesting people to see...

******

The rooster makes a major mistake and turns her back on the fox. A seriously injured animal is always dangerous, so Cassandra has no choice but to intervene.

*****

Addison is grabbed from behind and surprise screams. The rest of the scene is even more confusing. Cassandra Wayne is the person holding her, but she is also holding Amanda's wrist as she holds a glass herself.

-Stop, Cassandra said to the blonde.

Addison has to hold back her laughter. Cassandra does it like a child trying to be severe with a puppy. My god, she's cu...
No, not right now focus. Also, she is strong. Addison is not obese but is not a lightweight either...Focu!

-Let me go, you freak...

Cassandra lets go of her wrist and Amanda drops the glass, spilling its contents on her and the floor before the glass breaks.

-You ok?
-I...Yes! I'm fine...Just put me down, I'm too...
-You're al-right, Cas said with a candid smile before gently setting her down.
-It better be the case, said an icy voice.
-Dad! Cassandra was just helped me because ....That crazy cow was going to throw her glass at me!" realizes Addison.
-She started...
-I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding," Amanda's mother said quickly, looking at her daughter with anger and the Penguin with terror.
-Hey, I'm sure we can handle this!" said Bruce Wayne, suddenly appears out of nowhere. -Nobody wants to spoil the mood of the night!
-I suppose so," said the Penguin coldly.

It's important to keep up appearances. That's why dirty laundry is done in private.

******

-What an ill-bred little brat! exclaimed the Penguin as they returned to the limousine.
-Do you want to have her father killed in prison? ask Aiden.
-No, believe me, he would like that too much. Let him profit from what he has sown, Oswald said.
-Someone has already avenged Addison anyway," says Ethan with a smirk while his little brother is asleep with his head pressed against him.

He took out of Martin's pocket his notebook where he wrote what he wanted to say when people didn't speak sign language and opened it to the last page.

I'll put one of Miss Harley's firecrackers in her bag. Good night!

-That's my boy," said the Penguin proudly.
-Is there Joker gas in there?" asked Aiden.
-I hope so, it would make a good alibi, Ethan says.
-My little dove, you are very quiet.
-It's nothing, Dad. I didn't mean to embarrass you tonight.
-Nonsense, you did not embarrass me, far from it. I may not like Bruce Wayne and the fact that people make excuses for all his stupidities because his parents died a tragic incident. This does not mean that I condone making fun of a child with a disability, even if she is a Wayne. It was noble to defend her as you would have done for your brother. Nevertheless, she has good reflexes.When her father and brothers have blown all their money, remind me to offer her a security job.
-Sure, it would be... cool.

******

-Are you going to tell him?" asked Aiden.
-No. Not him or Mom right now," Addison replied dryly. -And certainly not our brothers!
-I don't think they would have a problem with that. Mom would just want you to be happy and dad has lots of friends like you. And the worst reaction our brothers could have would be a lack of interest.
-I know, I'm just not ready, okay?
-All right, then. The Wayne part will be harder to swallow though.

Chapter Text

-Do you have them?" asked Addison.
-Yes," said Ethan.
-Okay, give them then," his sister continued, holding out her hand.
-I'm not sure that's a good idea," says Ethan.
-Whoa, you want to participate in the family business and you don't even have the balls to use a fake ID. I can't wait to see you make drugs deal!
-I told you we shouldn't have invited him to come with us," said Aiden, joining them.
- I plan to specialize in other more rewarding fields. And where would you get the fake IDs?" asked Ethan.
-You're not the only one who can make them," says Aiden.
-I'm the only one who can do it for free and without it getting back to dad, said the blond with pride.
-Unfortunately, he's right," says Addison. -But Ethan, I have a backup plan if they refuse to give us drinks even with the fake ID cards.
-And what is it?
-Do you know who I am? This club belongs to my daddy!
-...Seriously? asked her younger brother doubtfully.
-If it works for losers like Amanda Lydecker, Reiner Hardwick and Wendy Lawford, how could it fail with us?
-Okay, that's a good point, acknowledged Ethan.
-So now that you're reassured, shall we go? Aiden asked.
-Yes!

24 hours later

-Bleur!
-You see, Martin, this is why you should drink responsibly when you are old enough to drink legally, Oswald explained, gesturing to Ethan.

Judging that the lesson is understood, he sends his youngest player away to turn to his middle child. Ethan is already bracing himself for the fight of the century and it's going to get worse with the headache that's crushing his brain.

But his father has a different reaction.

-That's it. Better get it all out, he says, rubbing Ethan's back.
-W-what?
-Alcohol irritates the stomach, your body tries to get out what hurts it. Not very pleasant but good for the long term. Do you think it's all or are you in for another round?
-Um...I think that's it.
-Very well, he said, giving him a glass of water and two aspirins. -You take this and go back to bed. We'll get the kitchen to make you something light in a few hours.
-Do I have alcohol poisoning?
-Don't be dramatic, said the Penguin, rolling his eyes.
-Then why are you so calm and nice?
-Because this is the first time, expect a very different treatment next time.

*****

When he gets up and goes to the dining room (his father refuses to let him eat in his room), Ethan can see that his brother and sister are not much better than him: Addison's eyes are red and puffy tended that Aiden has his head buried in his arms, wincing at every sound.

-Dad, please, can we just call a doctor and go do IV therapy please? Addison whines.
-No, we'll treat it the old fashioned way. That way you'll know what to do without your benefits if you decide to do it again.
-I'll never drink again," Aiden groaned.
-You ready to put this under contract, son?

Aiden decided that not responding was the smart choice in his situation.

-Olga!" called Oswald.

The maid placed several dishes in front of the three teenagers.

-Dad, I don't think I can eat anything. Maybe forever, Ethan said, feeling the nausea return.
-Saltines, this will help you keep the water you need," said Oswald, ignoring him. -Bread is a calorie blank. Honey, orange juice, egg, it will help to get the alcohol out of your system. Banana, tomato and pho, the potassium can't be bad for you in your condition. Tea for nausea. Also please reassure me that none of you geniuses have taken anything else besides alcohol? Because now is the time to come clean, children. Cannabis? Cocaine? Ectasy? Amphetamine? Ketamine? Mushroom? Pills? If any of you have taken Soul, I need to know now!
-No, we didn't take any drugs and certainly not Soul," groans Addison.
-We learned our lesson from Scarface, never get addicted to your own merchandise," groans Aiden.
-Why are you talking to the ventriloquist about drugs?" asked the Penguin in confusion.
-I was talking about the...Aiden began.
-Let it go," said his sister.
-If you are so worried, maybe we should listen to them and call a doctor.

Ignatius stood leaning against the frame of the dining room. Ethan decided that he was officially his favorite sibling now. The maid hands him a cup of coffee.

-Yes, please, now," asks Ethan.
-Just ask them to do a urine test and you'll be set. Thank you Olga. You are too kind.
-My pleasure, moy dorogoy.

Forget what he said, he likes the pet birds more than Ignatius right now.

-We could indeed do that," said Oswald reflectively.
-You're just a filthy hypocrite!" shouted Addison as she stood up before quickly sitting back down as the room began to spin.
-She's right," Aiden complained. -You were hitting the clubs long before you turned 21.
-Maybe, but unlike you, I was reasonable!
-Waugh, Waugh.

All the children turned around in surprise at their father's characteristic laughter.

-Ignatius, my boy, you were never reasonable. You have found a loophole and it is not me who will blame you, on the contrary. Enjoy it for all of us!
-What is he talking about?" asked Ethan suspiciously.
-I don't know...
-Oh come on boy, you don't think you went to her with that intention but it was a nice bonus, wasn't it? I've known Ivy for a long time and I'm sure her daughters have also inherited this ability. Which one has a sweet spot for you? Rose? Hazel? Or... What is the name of the last one? Tulip?
-Thorn. Her name is Thorn, eventually replied Ignatius.
-Thorn, of course. Ivy and her sporelings, unlike Rappacini's daughter, can choose whether their kiss will kill you. But they remain poisonous beings. But such a small dose received at each intimate moment can build up an endurance to most poisons. And ethanol is a poison at the end of the day. There's a reason no one is crazy enough even in Arkham to follow Harley Quinn into a drinking contest.
-So you're not reasonable, just a man whore who got lucky, says Addison.
-Language, young lady!
-Yes, I used your mother as a role model.
-And that goes for you too Ignatius! I have my doubts that your fiancée would like to hear this.
-Fiancée? We're not there yet, father!
-We can always hope. You could do a lot worse than one of Ivy's spawn. And when I say I'll take grandchildren of any colour, that includes green. I am a romantic, I never wanted to use you for this despite some very lucrative offers, but if your loved one comes with a profitable alliance, I will be happy as a father and businessman.
-...Who?" asked Ignatius, slightly disturbed.
-Why are you interested? I said no.
-Did they make you offers for each of us? asked Ethan.
-Yes, even Martin," says the Penguin. -I would have thought they would at least wait until he was old enough to shave. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a doctor to call," said Oswald, leaving the room.
-Hey, wait, you can't start talking about this and not finish! Ethan started to get up before realizing that this was a bad idea.
-Who had the most offers? Or the best offers?" asked Aiden with curiosity.
-I think I'm going to be sick again," says Addison.

Chapter Text

Ethan was waiting in the headmaster's office for his parents to arrive.

-What did you do? asked his father.
-Oswald! shouted his mother.
-Crystal, I need to know what he did to know what angle to take...
-Can we at least hear what he has to say?
-I'm not sure...Ethan says honestly.
-Mr. and Mrs. Cobblepot?
-It's Mrs. Larson," says Crystal.

The secretary is smart enough not to ask for the couple's backstory.

-Your son's principal and homeroom teacher are ready to receive you.

****

-So what exactly is the problem? Oswald asked.
-My class does an exercise every year to learn how a society works, the teacher explained. -And your son has completely destroyed my efforts. So I wanted to discuss the measures that must be taken.

Ethan sighs, he's dead.

-But still?" asked Oswald.
-I beg your pardon?
-You didn't tell us what he did. I'm not even sure I understand what kind of excersize it is? complains Crystal.
-Everyone has a role to play in keeping society afloat, says the professor.
-Okay boy, tell us in your own words what happened," said Oswald to his son.
-I got the part of the policeman but I didn't like it," Ethan said, looking at the floor.
-Color me surprised," said Oswald, looking at the professor with contempt.
-Okay honey, so what did you do?" asked Crystal gently.
-Since I didn't like to cause problems for others, I looked the other way sometimes and people would give me gifts so that I wouldn't give them tickets.
-Predictable, says Oswald.
-So I lost my job. But I didn't care and opened a store instead. I sold the products that Ignatius had given me.
-What kind of product?" asked Crystal a little worried.
-Gum, soft drinks, travel candy, firecrackers and fake book covers.
-It's not so bad, Oswald said. -Is that the problem? The kid sold things?
-No, they had the right as long as it was with exercise money. Even though I was expecting something else as a sales product. Like fruit or household help.
-For fake money?" asked Oswald, looking discouraged at Ethan.
-Until the exchange rate appears, says Ethan.
-The exchange rate?
-And there the problem, continued the professor. -At the end of the exercise, the children who would have managed to have no debt and at least 5$ of money from the exercise could participate to a pizza party. Those who had no money or debts have additional homework to do to explain where they made a mistake. And that's when your son got the class in trouble. He had most of the money from the exerciser and he exchanged some of it for real money!

The teacher expected anger and disappointment, not a little pride in the father's eye and the mother looking at him as if he were the last of the idiots.

-So son, what is the exchange rate?
-With the demand, we went up to $40.
-Maybe we'll make something of you after all," Oswald said, ruffling his son's hair. -So, your problem is that some kids went to great lengths to avoid extra homework and get pizza? I mean, I'm not a teacher but the majority of children if you give them a choice between a bag of sweets or chores will take the sweets. If they don't, it's because they suspect a hidden agenda.
-Can you just tell us what you want from us? Crystal asked.

Crystal was a bit naive when Oswald met her but she was never a fool. Clearly, she is waiting for the teacher to drop the other shoe.

-I think Ethan should lose his pizza party privilege and do homework with the others.
-What?" said Ethan in horror.
-That's not fair, my son didn't break any of your rules," Crystal got angry.
-It was an exercise to understand how society works...
-Ethan started out as a policeman but became discouraged by the lack of resources and respect, causing him to become corrupt. He then lost his job, becoming the equivalent of a drug dealer or let's be generous, a marijuana shop owner as you had no problem letting him sell products that were forbidden outside your classroom. He then became a money launderer for rich clients who wanted to avoid problems with the government. I think he understood how society works," says Penguin coldly. -And I don't see why he should have to do extra homework on something he understands perfectly.
-He won't be attending the pizza party," said the teacher, crossing his arms.
-Very well," said the Penguin as Crystal looked at him in shock, expecting more resistance. -Well, I guess you're off school for the rest of the day, Ethan.
-What makes you say that?" asked the teacher.
-The options are either to go and eat pizza with his little friends or to do extra work in another class. You refuse him the former and you don't have the argument to impose the latter so I guess that's the best option. What do you think, Headmistress?
-This is probably the best solution, the director acknowledged.

Ethan smiled at the news.

-Good, that's settled then. Oh, and just out of curiosity, what happened to the students who used Ethan's services?
-They have failed so they do the extra work.
-What percentage of the class is it?" asked Crystal.
-More than half of them!
-Good luck with their parents, Crystal said with a sincere expression as Oswald tried to stifle his laughter.

****

-They're going to crucify him on the spot," Crystal said.
-I think that when you have this level of naivety, not to say idiocy, it's natural selection," says Oswald.
-Can we go and eat please?" asked Ethan.

Oswald then noticed that his son was holding his hand as well as his mother's. He has a better relationship with Crystal than with Violet but that doesn't mean that the three of them hang out a lot. He assumes that they can play happy family for a while over dinner.

-I do have a free hour, you? Oswald asked.
-Free as a bird, answers Crystal. -Do you want to go for a pizza or anything else? She asks Ethan.
-Whatever you want, said Ethan just happy to have his mom and dad all to himself together.
-You know we could have better quality pizza delivered from school to your little friends stuck doing extra homework. I'm pretty sure your teacher will give them the cheapest one he can find even if it's only to feed 5 kids. Wouldn't that help your popularity?
-Really? Ethan asked with wide eyes.
-Oswald, would you not encourage our son to use his classmates to push this poor teacher out of work please? asked Crystal.

Chapter Text

-Hi Oswald!

Oswald sighed and turned aroundt o the blonde woman in yoga pants :
-Good morning Debby.
-It's not often we see you in the morning.
-For once I had the kids and my schedule was free, I decided to bring the twins and Ethan to school myself. Now if you'll excuse me...
-Actually, I'd like to talk to you. I know your idea was accepted for the charity auction but I'm not sure it's a good idea for the school.
-And why is mental health awareness a bad idea? asked Oswald.
-Don't you think that's a little...
-A lot of the immediate problems in this city seem to be related to the lack of mental health resources before and after the fact," says Oswald. -Many people need help and it's good to be able to differentiate between professionals and charlatans. What else do you want? Redesign the uniform again? Look at the majority of other parents who seemed to like the idea. Bruce Wayne even offered to double the amount with his funds.

Although complimenting Bruce Wayne makes him feel a little dirty if he's honest.

-Something practical and helpful to kids like sending messages of encouragement to children in schools in difficult neighborhoods.
-Sending kids from private schools with pep talks to poor public schools...How bad do you want your kids to get beat up?
-I'm sorry, what?
-Look, if the majority want to change the cause and propose a better alternative like I don't know, send resources to schools with less means. If you knew how many kindergarten teachers worked for me to be able to offer construction papers to their classes. It's an eye opener. Now, if you'll excuse me, I don't want the children to be late...
-Oswald, I don't know if you have a dog in the fight, but for the number you've been around, you know they're either maniacs who should be in the chair, idiots with no future or people who make excuses for not working.
-Debby?
-Yes?
-You have heard my terms and my children as well as yours will be late if you continue. Sort it out with the rest of the parents.
-I would do that. I'm sure Bruce will find my proposals an interesting alternative.
-Good luck to you.

No chance of that happening, Oswald thinks. But maybe just to be safe...
Oswald opens the door.

-Dad?
-Do any of you know Mrs Oates' children?

Addison, Aiden and Ethan nod their heads.

-Good. You have my permission to take drugs from the house and offer them. The first of you to make them junkies can have a new bike and the exotic animal of your choice.
-A wolfhound? ask Addison.
-A anaconda? ask Ethan
-Even a polar bear? ask Aiden.
-Hey, if I can find it on the black market, it's yours!

Chapter Text

Why? Why had he made this stupid decision? Yes, he tries to put a veneer of respectability on his person, creates relationships and who knows? Maybe even do a good deed.
But right now, he'd rather wish Batman was breaking some of his bones.

-And your opinion, Mr. Cobblepot? asked Mr. White.
-I admit to being a little confused. When I was asked to participate in the school council, I expected more relevant issues. Like I don't know, bullying? Children can be very nasty to each other.

And not everyone is as lucky as he was to be able to hunt them down 20 years later and kill them in horrific ways.

-I don't think it's that big a deal," says Mr. White. -It's already hard for me to understand why we cuddle some overly sensitive kids.
-I take it that you never had the honour of discovering the taste of water from the toilets forced on you by your little schoolmates, Wren," said Oswald with a carnivorous smile. -But please, continue to explain why three boys with long hair and two girls with shaved heads will destroy society.
-I agree, we should move on to a real issue," says Ms. Taylor.

Thank goodness.

-I would like to remove some books from the school library that are problematic. I made a list if you want to see and feel comfortable to add titles.

Oswald took the sheet and began to read before asking:
-You should have separated what goes away from what is reserved for the older ones. And why is there a kindergarten book on this?
-Because it's obscene and it is...
-It's just a cute story about penguins adopting a baby," Oswald continued.
-It's a little more than that, I don't know if you've read it...
-Yes, I have it at home. And I have a degree in ornithology. This is very common in many bird species, especially ducks and penguins, which often adopt abandoned babies.
Completely natural, Oswald said with a smile, waiting to see if she would say out loud what was bothering her.
-Well, some animals eat their own feces and we don't imitate them.
-You'd be surprised," said Oswald, continuing to read. -The Diary of a Young Gir? What is your problem with this one?
-The subject is really depressing.
-We can agree that the Holocaust is depressing.
-Look, I'm sure this is a very important topic for you.
-Well, given that two of my children and my nephew are...
-Your background.
-I'm sorry?
-You're...
-Anglo-Saxon Protestant. My family was from New Castle before we came to America. I don't mind but why do you think I am?

Oh he knows why but he's bored and wants to play a bit.

-Uh...said Mrs. Taylor looking for a credible explanation. -I knew that one of the founding families was and ... Your name is as it could have been anglicized.

Good save, dumbass, thinks the Penguin before resuming.

-No, it is the Kanes who are Jewish. Some of the Waynes too I think. But back to the point: are you going to let Shakespeares be taught in class?
-Yes, why?
-Because I think it's important. He's one of the greatest authors out there and I wanted to make sure that he had a place, especially after looking at your list.
-I don't see the point.
-Is that so? It's interesting. Do The Bluest Eye, To Kill a Mockingbird or Animal Farm have hard subjects? Yes. But Shakespeare' works feature murder, cannibalism, sex, violence, suicide, immorality, cross-dressing, rape,incest, black magic, many scenes that could be called homoerotic and just so you know, it's not literally swords that Romeo and his friends are comparing to see who has the longest. So I propose that all these books with similar subjects be accessible to children deemed old enough to study Shakespeare. Counterargument?
-I guess if their parents give them permission...
-Why not? My children are very mature and as long as it's not Le grand cahier, I trust them. What's next?
-I have some good news," says White. -We have someone to come and talk to the kids for the sex education class.
-Oh, good news indeed," said Oswald. -Is it a doctor or someone specialised in this kind of course?
-We have a man for the boys, a woman for the girls and then we bring them together in the auditorium for the abstinence discussion.
-Is it mandatory?" asked Oswald.
-We are in one of the 38 states that mandate sexual education.
-I mean the part about abstinence.
-I told you it's mandatory.
-Am I to understand that we are in one of the 30 states that allows this education to be limited to abstinence and for the rest, ignored or lied about it?
-They don't need more," says another father. -We do not want to encourage them to...
-To what? Not being a teenage parent or ending up with a venereal disease? the Penguin said angrily. -I can't believe this! These children need to have their questions answered honestly!
-Some of us want to raise our children as respectable people, says a woman playing with her pearl necklace (it would be so easy to strangle her with it).
-I think most of you have forgotten what it feels like at this age. For better or for worse, I remember. You're full of hormones, thinking you're invincible one minute and consumed by despair the next.

He remembers the first time he saw Ann: her long legs, her thin neck, her blondness, her big...generous nature, her graceful movements and her ability to break the fingers of anyone who doesn't understand the word no...She looked like a swan that had been given human form like Princess Odette.

-The mother of my eldest child, a real beauty both physically and mentally. And who is interested in my person. You could have told me that there was a possibility that she would eat me post-coitus, I would have asked the percentage. But if my personal experience is not enough, let me tell you about my professional experience.
-Professional?
-Mr. Cobblepot manages several establishments, including the Iceberg Lodge," said Mr. White with the same disdain as if he were saying that Oswald was a dishwasher.
-Indeed. And it taught me something important. Do you know the first thing you should tell your children about alcohol, drugs and sex?
-Th..
-Allow me to finish. The first thing to say is: it's fun. Until it stopped being fun. Because what happens is that they are told all their lives how wrong and horrible it is. Then, one day for some reason, they try. And their reaction is: but those old jerks lied to me! They decide they know better. Make up for lost time. Et voila! That's how you end up with a kid who overdoses in the toilet, needs to drink a bottle of volka by himself to finish his day, or makes you a grandparent before you're old enough to get the senior discount. And half the people we call to tell them their kid is on a stretcher heading for the hospital where they have 15 minutes to pay us for the damage before we call the authorities, tell me: not my kid, he's president of his student council at his university, she's only 21, he'd never take drugs or alcohol, she comes from a good family,they have a purity ring, etc... The only time they've been right is when the younger one used the older one's ID card. But I don't think it's very nice to be told: all my apologies, it wasn't your 22 year old son, just his 16 year old little brother who just got $500 worth of damage and so full of coke, I don't think he's going to sleep for the next 3 days. That's why I've explained to my children exactly when they're old enough to understand what's going on with alcohol and drugs. I never want to be in that position, I don't want something horrible to happen to them because they were too scared to come and talk to me, I don't want to keep them naive and offer them to the wolves.

White and the pearl bitch look at him with disgust but the Penguin sees the beginnings of doubt and horror in the eyes of the rest of the parents.

-You want to scare them? Show them videos of childbirth and medical photos of patients with venereal disease. I have no problem with that. But they also need to know what a condom is! And the pill, plan b, medications for the majority of its naughtiness and...
-You want to talk to them about abortion and anal sex too while we're at it?
-Do I want to? No. Would it matter if we did? Honestly, maybe. I don't know if you are aware of this new trend among gangs?
-No.
-It seems that many of them decided that breaking some bones when you don't pay them back was a bit old fashioned. Instead they take a fruit and place it where the sun never shines. So, objectively, I'm thinking that maybe knowing how to use lube would be a good idea just in case. I mean, I know it's elastic, but God, how do you pull out a pineapple...
-That's enough! got angry Mr. White.
-I am open to dialogue about adding lube to the curriculum," says Ms. Taylor.

Before Oswald can continue, his phone rings.

-Excuse me, just a moment. Good evening?

At the other end of the wire, he hears Ignatius:
-Hi dad. Are you still at the parent council meeting?
-Yes, but if there is an emergency, I can leave.
-Not exactly. I just wanted to know if I could get into the car with you afterwards. I was in the park with some friends and it looks like the buses are stopping early tonight. And I'm kind of loaded for...
-Of course, at this age, if you're sick, you can't take any chances. Let me just get my things and I'll be there in 15 minutes.
-Are you using me to get out of the meeting?
-No, no. Everyone will understand," said Oswald, turning to the others. -My youngest is ill, I need to leave.
-Sure, go ahead, said White looking happy that he was leaving.

*****

Oswald's car pulls up beside the park where he can see a figure approaching. His son arrives with a recognizable umbrella in one hand and carrying a heavy bag in the other. Which is definitely not his school bag.

Oswald hears the knock against the trunk but signals the driver to ignore it. Ignatius knocked several more times before giving up and opening the door.

-Can you please open the trunk?
-You can put your bag with us," his father replies calmly.
-I'd rather...
-And I'd rather not even try to defend you because you had the bright idea to bring a gun to class," said the Penguin coldly.
-I'm not crazy, Father," said Ignatius, handing him the umbrella. -I took the one with the piano wire hidden in the handle.
-Are there any bullies bothering you?" his father asked, suddenly calmer.
-No," said Ignatius, relenting and putting the bag in the car. -But I didn't want to come unarmed.
-To what?
-Let's just say I'm practicing for later...

Oswald pulled the bag off the ground and opened it.

-Hey! That's private!
-Is this your diary? No? Then I have the right as your father to look at it.
-It's just my unsold goods, my money and my customers blackbook," says Ignatius.
-Customers?
-I sell stuff at school," said Ignatius candidly.
-What kind of thing?" asked Oswald worriedly.
-It's quite varied but my biggest sellers are soft drinks, fake permission slips from the nurse, brass knuckles and drugs... My clientele is very diverse.
-Drugs? Ignatius, if you steal from me, I will review my views about corporal punishment!

This spoiled child has the nerve to roll his eyes. All right, he asked for it.

-Or I could keep the money," said Oswald, counting the large sum of cash.

No wonder, the kid didn't want to walk home with it on him.

-I didn't steal from you! Said his elder son, now much more worried. -Thorn provided me with the devil's lettuce, it's super easy to get pills for attention deficit disorder from kids who are willing to trade up, and for the more...difficult stuff, I just dug through the Iceberg's box of lost items. There's always at least a couple of thing there. I swear, I'm surprised I haven't found a human head yet.
-It already happened when you were little. Twice," said Oswald.

Ignatius has a small laugh before continuing:
-Most of the drinks, like sweets and condiments, I steal from the teachers' room or buy them in bulk for cheap and sell them to the school. The secretaries let me use their fridges.
-Is there a woman on this earth who does not want to mother you?
-Hey, I bring them cake on their birthday and I burnt Josie's ex-husband's car. The asshole cheated on her with her sister.
-And the rest?
-Ethan showed me how to make copies similar to the nurse's pass. And before you get mad, my business is his when I leave. Sorry, twins, you have nothing interesting to offer me. Brass knuckles are not that difficult to find in hard plastic. The guys are pretty lame, they just want it to be big and gansta. The girls, on the other hand, have no limits. Colour, patterns, stickers, glitter, nails and more. One girl, Kitrina, even ask made crystals claw for hers. They are really cool.
-The percentage of those who really use them and those who use them for show? asked the Penguin, more curious than anything else.
-A third actually use them, I would say. And the majority are girls. It's handy for something that can just look like a fashion accessory and can become a weapon," says Ignatius, playing with the umbrella with a knowing look. -I think some people just use it as a threat but several girls have asked me if there are ways to clean up the blood. When they are not just proud of it.
-You've done a lot of selling tonight. A special occasion or are you doing your Black Friday early? the Penguin asked mockingly as he read the notebook.
-I have to clear out as much stock as possible because that little shit Taylor opened his big mouth.
-Taylor? Is that the first or last...
-Timmy Taylor, screw that guy. I'm not going to lower my prices for the weasel who made fun of me in the first grade because I said rubber instead of erase.
-After meeting his mother, I'm surprised he knows the slang.
-He just told the teacher that I had cursed. And then I got the speech I know your mother died and it's hard...bla-bla lame shitty condelance crap.
-What did you put in his case?" sighed Oswald.
-Just heroin and a gun.
-You were reasonable," said the Penguin, continuing to read the notebook. -Oh, SB is the shortcut to what and how NW can afford it?
- Noble White and SB is for sugar booger.
-Say that again?
-Would you rather I just say cocaine?
-You know what? Yes! That would be less disturbing. White? I met him too.
-What a fucking asshole.
-Language! And you are friends with Noble?
-I'm nice to him, don't get me wrong. He asked me if I had anything stronger for him to perform better. I explained to him how to cut it and warned him that I wouldn't know in advance when I would have another one. He wanted it anyway. But...let's say he sees me as a friend and I'm just being nice because both my parents were bullied at school. And uh...I feel like the guy might end up in Arkham after shooting his whole family. His father will have run after it anyway.
-Want to give an example?
-He euthanized his dog because his GPA had dropped, he lost his right to a door for both his bedroom and bathroom, constantly compares him to his older brother Warren and ...Remember when you took me to your stupid country clue?
-Of course I remember! I just hope you're good and to my surprise, you did even better. You saved that poor kid from drowning... Wait, that was him?
-Yeah, it was his father who threw him into the deep end of the pool without a float to teach him to swim. And beat the crap out of him afterwards because I helped him out before he drowned. And it would have been worse if he knew we were the same age.
-Damn it. When he does it, don't forget to say that you didn't see it coming. That everything looked normal and that you are as shocked as everyone else. And if you feel bad for him, send him a box of cigarettes and ramen soup to Arkham. Best way to make friends and find protection.
-Will do. ...And what about my bag?
-You worked hard for your money so I think I should leave it to you but you still stole from me.
-Sigh...So I'm being punished, am I?
-To punish you might be a bit harsh. I think you just need a little guidance.
-What?
-I'm not really interested to the kids you sell soft drinks to or the latest gizmo. But consumers with a pedigree could be interesting in the future. I'll let you continue, I will even provide you with a few things but you have to report back to me and when I tell you to stop, you listen.
-No, no way!I don't want you to hold me on a fucking leash!
-Well, you can kiss your activities goodbye and start paying me back now. If it's not claimed, it's the property of the lodge and therefore belongs to me! You have talent and ambition, my boy, but you need to learn respect and resilience. But if you want to prove my point by throwing a fit, go ahead.
-...Will I at least have good stock to sell?
-Soft stuff, mostly, maybe some small cheap stuff or target for your age, Penguin said as his son sighed in disappointment. -There's something we're going to give you too. Paraphilia of contraction: condom, plan b, oral condom, the pill, etc...
-They won't give us this in health class for free?
-No, they'll just give you a pamphlet about how it makes Jesus sad and cross your legs until the wedding. Trust me, it'll be as popular as your brass knuckles.

Chapter Text

-All right, do your worst," said Owsald, releasing the twins and Ethan into the shop. -You too, Ignatius.

He promised a toy to everyone no questions asked and after such a long absence during the holidays, it seemed appropriate.

-Hey dad?" asked Ignatius. -Do you mind if I keep the money for another time if I don't find anything I like?
-We can go to another place for you if you want," says his father.

Incidentally, the boy will start puberty in a year or two. He may be getting a bit old for G Barne.

-No, I'm fine. I'd rather have it for when I see something I really like than go for the first vaguely interesting thing i see.
-That's very reasonable of you, son. Note, if you see a trinket that you like, I don't mind if we take it as well.
-Mm, I guess I can see if that fancy shop has any chocolate cigarettes.
-You can check but I have the impression that they have definitely stopped producing them because of the bad example for your generation.

Ignatius rolls his eyes, clearly finding the idea stupid.

-Let them rename them the cancer candy and let's not worry about it anymore.

******

-Hi, honey," said a woman in a nurse's uniform, leaning over to Addison with something in her arms.
-Hi? said the little girl, suspicious.
-Congratulations it's a girl, said the woman putting a baby doll in her arms.

The girl looks at the doll with a disgusted expression before giving it back to the woman.

-No thanks, she says before walking away.

Oswald had to restrain himself from laughing. His daughter had a love for jewelry and pretty dresses, but otherwise she was perhaps more masculine than her brothers. Still, lovely uniform. Clearly designed for the daddies and the bicurious mommies.

-Can I have her please? Aidan asked.
-Of course, darling," said the employee, giving it to him.

Once the doll is in his arms, Aiden has a huge smile on his face.

-What are you going to name your little girl, sweetie?
-Marina.
-Nice salesmanship," said the amused Penguin to the employee. -Is that what you want, my beautiful boy?

The child nods.

-Very well. Let's see if your siblings have found what they want too.

******

So, a griffin toy that makes steam (Ethan), racing cars (Addison) and the doll (Aiden).

-Ignatius, last chance, said Oswald.
-Nothing, I tell you.
-All right, young man.

Next step, the park. The one near the shop is quiet, clean and has tables to sit at. Perfect for the kids to play with their new toys and for him to work a bit while watching from the corner of his eye.

-Daddy!
-Yes, yes, don't be impatient," said Oswald, taking them out of the bag before handing each one of their toys. -Try not to destroy them from day one.

They chirped happily, then disappeared just as quickly into the playground.

-I'm going to the bathroom," says Ignatius.
-Wait," said Oswald, digging into his pockets.
-Dad, I can go to the bathroom alone...
-Without a doubt. But since you couldn't find anything in the shop, I wanted to give you this," said Oswald finally find out the object and threw it to his eldest son.
Ignatius grabs it and as he realises what he is holding, his expression softens.
-Thank you!" said Ignatius, looking in wonder at the lighter with his initials on it.
-Don't start a fire, okay?

The child nods before leaving. Oswald had make made the lighter as a way of proving his satisfaction to Ignatius for the last banquet held at his home. The boy can blubber all he wants, he is gifted in music and Oswald is determined to make him parade a little. Anyone with means can pay for music lessons for their child and get them to play some notes. To have a little Mozart on the other hand, that is a rarity. He plans to give it to him next time but the lack of a gift seemed a bit sad.

******

Ignatius notices a sign saying that the toilets were closed but enters anyway.

-Hey Zsasz.
-I hope you have a good reason for having me here, said the assassin with a bored look.
-I thought you might like a new scar," says Ignatius.
-And I don't think your father would like you to use my services without his permission.

Ignatius then took out a large amount of money from his pocket and handed it to Zsasz.

-Look, I've been saving up for your services for 3 years! Imagine what you can offer your Bubbe with this.
-Are you using my affection for my grandmother to your advantage?
-She is the only thing with your torture dungeon that your nilist ass cares about.
-...Who do you want me to get rid of?" asked Zsasz as he started to pick up the money.
-My violin teacher.

*****

-What are you playing with ?

Aiden looked up to answer the older boy:
-With my baby.

****

-Daddy, heard the Penguin as he felt Ethan tug on his sleeve.
-What is it, my beautiful boy?
-Someone is bothering Aiden.

As if to confirm the words of the youngest, Oswald saw his daughter running towards her twin.

******

-Let her go!" shouted Aiden trying to stop the older boy from taking the doll.
-Or what, f****t? laughed the other.

Aiden finally let go and the doll hit the boy directly in the face. The boy fell with shock and his nose began to bleed. Aiden bent down to pick up the doll and the older boy tried to stand up.

-No!

And hit him with the doll again. And again. And again. If Oswald had counted correctly, Aiden had hit the child at least 10 times.

-I think your brother is doing well on his own, my little dove," Oswald said to his daughter.

Aiden stopped to look at Marina's condition, looking horrified.

-What have you done to my son, you little freak!" said a man, grabbing Aiden by the collar of his coat.
-Let him go now," said an icy voice.

He turned to see a short and fat man with a nose reminiscent of a bird's beak in a dark coat with a fur collar, a monocle and an umbrella in hand despite the mild daytime weather. A little girl with a nose similar to his is standing next to him, looking defiant. A slightly younger child holds his sleeve with a worried look.

-Is this feral child yours?
-Yes, he's mine and I'd like you to let him go.

The man released Aiden, who ran to join his sister.

-And what do you have to say about what your brat did to my son?
-Just one thing.

Oswald turned to Aiden and said:
-Well done, son. I am proud of you.
-WHAT?
-Your son, sir, attacked my boy when he was playing nicely in his corner without disturbing anyone. He only defended himself, which is his right. My son, who by the way is younger and smaller than yours. I also suspect that the fact that he was playing with a doll was the reason that he was identified as easy prey by your youngster. Let that be a lesson to you, boy. Just because someone looks weaker than you or ridiculous to you, doesn't mean you should underestimate them. Better you learn it now than in a club or in jail in ten years," Oswald said to the child with the bloody face. -As for you sir, you should not tolerate such foul language from your progeny. So watch your own language in front of him and I have found if not enough that cod liver oil is an excellent and safe alternative to soap to correct the problem.
-Listen to me, shorty! You're gonna pay for what your kid did...
-Are we talking about settling this with our lawyers or the old-fashioned way in a car park?" asked Oswald with the emotion of a cashier asking for paper or plastic.
-I don't know who you think you are...
-Oh i'm sorry, where are my manners? Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot and you are? said the Penguin with a big smile.

The colour slowly drained from the man's face as he finally realised who he had in front of him. His son looked at his father confused as to why he no longer seemed ready to break the man's nose.

-I'm waiting," said the Penguin.
-There is no need for that...said the man with a new, much more docile attitude.
-I insist," said the Penguin with a smile that seemed to be filled with fangs.
-Here, catch," heard the man behind him and turned to see a boy about his son's age throwing something at the Penguin.

He then realised that he had taken his wallet, which the Penguin was searching without embarrassment.

-This one is mine too," said Oswald as Ignatius gave a smile as carnacious than his father's. -Gregori Locker? said the Penguin, showing Mr. Locker his license. -I will make a copy and send the original directly to your home this week.
-I...I need my license to drive and get home, try Locker again. -Please.

Does Oswald feel guilty about humiliating a father in front of his child at an age when parents are supposed to be invicible?

-Here," said Oswald, throwing some coins at his feet. -There is a bus stop on the corner.

No. The only compassion he feels is for Aiden and...he's vaguely hungry. Maybe they could stop for bagels. That would be nice.

The wallet follows, thrown (accidentally) into a puddle. Oswald pushes it towards the man with his umbrella. Locker quickly picks it up and his kid, almost runs away from them.

-Sigh, do you have all your stuff? I don't want to send someone to rake the park at 2am because one of you is crying about a toy.
-Yes.
-Well, I think that was enough excitement for the day, let's stop for lunch and go home, shall we?

Oswald notices that Aiden is still sniffling, rubbing his eyes to get rid of the tears.

-Hey, it's okay, I'm not mad, I told you I was proud of you...
-She's hurt," said Aiden, raising the doll to his father.

Oswald has to hold back a grimace. The doll is in worse shape than the brat who messed with his son. He can even see blood and a piece of tooth (it's probably a baby tooth, it just falls out at the first sign) stuck in what's left of the doll's head.

-Indeed, maybe don't use Marina as an improvised weapon next time. Look, it's late and I'll have to rest before I go to work. But tomorrow morning I'm sure I can get her to the shop first thing and someone can fix her.
-You're sure?
-Of course. A nurse gave her to you, so there's probably a doctor who can fixe her. At the very least, you'll have to be a little patient until it's finished, can you?
-Yes.Thank daddy.

*****

-I'd like to make an exchange please," said Oswald as he put the doll on the counter.

The employee gives him a panicked look.

-Sir...
-I will pay for the new one. I just want an identical copy. Call me sensitive, but I didn't have the heart to tell my kid that his baby was good for the dumpster. I told him that she might need to stay at the hospital for a while so if there are delays, it's not a problem. I just want an exact copy so he can't tell the difference. Poor darling was upset enough after that brat broke it.

Oswald thinks it's not necessary to say it was with his face though.
The employee is immediately relieved.

-It shouldn't be difficult then, just let me see if we have any remaining on site or if we need to call the warehouse. And it's really sweet what you do for your child.
-Thank you.

The employee returns 5 minutes later with Marina's perfect twin.

-That's it, no one will know.
-Excellent.
-Anything else, sir?
-As a matter of fact, yes. How much cost the prams are out of curiosity?

*******

-I expected more from you too, Zsasz," said the Penguin.
-Boss, you never had a problem with me taking clients on the side as long as it not went against your business," said the killer calmly.
-Really? You don't see a conflict of interest in killing my son's teacher?
-Not really. It's not yours. Also, don't you think that maybe this was your kid's way of telling you that he doesn't like to perform in front of others? Maybe he's shy?
-Ignatius? Shy? Waugh, Waugh! No, this child is anything but shy. He's very cheeky actually!
-When can I leave the naughty corner? the child complains.
-Which comes first between finding a better punishment or you being old enough to shave," Oswald retorted.
-I have the right to a lawyer!
-Yeah, but with what's left of your pocket money, you'll be stuck with a public defender and they suck!
-Boss, is it really such a big deal?
-Believe me, Zsasz, if there's one thing I've learned with children, it's that they need: affection, patience and just the right amount of mental cruelty.

Chapter Text

-During this time the Blue Bird, or Prince Charming, did not cease to fly round the castle. The Princess sat at the window and every night entreated that she might be delivered. 'O wicked Queen!' she cried, 'to keep me shut up like this because of Prince Charm...What on earth do you want? Oswald said, interrupting his reading.

Batman watches him from the window.

-I'm trying to put my child to sleep and your nightmare face isn't helping.
-Knowing how you make your living could also give him nightmares," says Batman.
-So judgmental. Am I the one who puts my kid in short pants with the colours of a traffic light? It he even yours? You know what, I don't care if he is or just some kid you pick up in the gutter. You are not in a position to lecture me. Now get out, this is my weekend with my progeny. I have not done anything ille...
-We both know you can be just as dangerous with a weapon as you can with just a phone," Batman said coldly.
-So what, you're going to hold me over the balcony until you hear what you want? Maybe wake up my kids and have them watch?

Batman does not answer and continues to stare at him. Oswald dares to hope that he has not just given him an idea. He means, sure in front of a girlfriend or an audience, that's his style not in front of children, even less if they are those of the person he is interrogating, right? He's not that crazy, right? He's a grown man who dresses up as a bat and fights the Joker at least once a week...Oh crap.

Penguin then drops the toddler in his cot. Martin does not appreciate this and shows his displeasure by hitting one of his toys against the cot.

-What's wrong with him? asks the bat.
-He is mute. He can cry at the top of his lungs, but he will never make a sound. So he found an alternative. Quiet, son, the bad man will soon be gone, Oswald said gently to the child.
-This is the life you want for him,we will surely meet again. The others are already on this path.
-See my comment on your bird. But if your opinion is just that I'm a bad influence just for being...well, there are a lot of people who should not have children. The mayor, are you going to threaten him too? He regularly receives pretty hefty bribes from Rupert Thorn and not to mention all those criminal cases he insists on blaming on you. It's not a good example for his boy, said the Penguin, reaching for an umbrella at the foot of the rocking chair.
-For now, I warn your son to stay out of trouble.
-Oh, he's just starting to walk and already a threat," scoffed the Penguin.
-I'm talking about the older one. The one who is unloading your cargo with other members of your gang at the port.

Ignatius wanted to get into the family business. And Oswald had agreed because he knew his son well enough to know that bargaining would work better with him than refusing outright. As long as he continued school and his results did not suffer, he was free to participate. And then...Oswald respects that he wants to prove himself on his own without his help. He goes under his mother's maiden name and starts at the bottom, playing the runner and lookout. The child still wants his empire but he wants to conquer it, not inherit it. Another thing they have in common, he supposes. And normally he would respect that choice but tonight...

-For every bruise my son brings back tonight, I'll cut a piece of one of your little helpers, and if one isn't enough, I'll go through as many as it takes!
-If you care so much about them, why not offer them a better alternative than following in your footsteps?
-They will choose their path and one way of the other, they will restore the reputation of this family. To be a Cobblepot is an honour!
-Daddy?

Oswald turned his head to see Ethan still half asleep who had entered the room.

-Who are you talking to, daddy?
-I...

Of course, the moment he turned his head, that flying rodent had scurried away. Screw him.

-I was reading a story to your brother. I guess I got a little too theatrical. Do you want to come and finish it with us? he asks as he takes Martin out of his cot.
Ethan nods before climbing onto his father's lap and sitting down. Oswald feels a little reassured with his two youngest with him in safety. Part of him wants to go check on the twins and is still chomping at bit for Ignatius. But first, to finish what he had started.
- 'Where was I?...O wicked Queen!' she cried, 'to keep me shut up like...

*****

Martin and Ethan were finally sleeping.

After dropping off the elder of the two in his room, he went to look at the other rooms. Almost had a heart attack when he found Aiden's room empty. Before realizing that... Of course. Sleeping like a log in his sister's room.Every time one had a nightmare, they went to join their twin. If he had known this would happen at least once a week, he wouldn't have bothered to give them each a room. Well, they're still little and he shouldn't complain that they have an alternative to climbing into his bed.
Only Ignatius remains. Oswald indulges in a rare luxury while waiting: cigarettes. He tries as much as possible to avoid smoking in the presence of his children. To hell with him dying of cancer, but no way are his kids paying for his bad lifestyle. At 4 a.m., Oswald finally sees on the camera at the entrance, a teenager moving and opening the door.

-Good morning Ignatius.
-Dad? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up...
-I wasn't sleeping," the Penguin cut him off. -So how bad was it?
-How do you know....
-Because I wouldn't be where I am without it. Come on, hit me, tell me how much we lost," the Penguin ask impatiently.
-...One tenth...

The Penguin sighs with relief.

-Only that? Okay, we can recover the costs by...
-No, a tenth is what could be moved before HE came along.

Ignatius can see his father struggling to contain his anger and swearing through his teeth. The only reason he doesn't scream is to avoid waking up the younger ones.

-What happened?" finally asked the Penguin.
-Batman came in and... took out our entire operation. I swear I told the others as soon as I saw his car. But it went so fast! He dodged bullets, he took bullets and I don't think he even broke a sweat! Are we sure this guy is completely human?
-He's intimidating, isn't he? Oswald asked his son quietly.
-He looks like a fucking monster," said Ignatius with a mirthless laugh. -How is this possible? He's just a guy, he has no power and he doesn't even kill!
-Son, I was honest enough with you to let you know that there are worse things you can do to someone than death. But if you need an example: remember KGBeast?
-The hired gun? Yeah, a bit slow but he does what he has to do.
-Anatoli Knyazev was the darling of communist Russia. An incredibly brilliant, powerful, cyber-enhanced assassin who didn't hesitate to cut off a hand or kill 100 people in addition to his target simply because it was more convenient. That was the KGBeast who came to Gotham.
-What's happened?
-Brain injury. Some good head banging as well as the fact that he ran out of air for a little while after the bat buried him alive. Russia didn't want him after that. And here was the poor thing just good to be a pile of muscle for hire for whoever needed it.
-Whoa, he can be as vicious as you when he wants to be, says Ignatius.
-Son, I need you to be honest with me, did he hurt you?
-No, says Ignatius. -When he was done, he saw me, shivering in some corner scared out my wits, and he walked up to me and stood over me and...told me to stay out of trouble, said the clearly humiliated teenager.- I was nothing and certainly no threat to him.
-You felt emasculated.

His father does not ask a question, he gives a diagnosis.

-Yeah, I do.

He is waiting for his father to tell him to stop whining and act like a man if he wants to be treated like one.

-It's nothing, he's good at getting under people's skin. He came to taunt me earlier and because of that, I was afraid I would have to go to the hospital to look for you in God knows what condition. He's a bully, don't let him get into your head, understand?
-Yes, sir.
-Now go and sit.

Ignatius obeys and goes to sit on a chair. Not sure what his old man wants: he doesn't seem to be in the mood to yell at him and he is a little old to be put on the naughty corner as punishment.

-You and I are going to look step by step to what happened tonight, how it could be avoided in the future and if I have incompetents to punish," said the Penguin, placing various documents on the table in front of Ignatius.
-I already have some ideas," says Ignatius as a smile begins to appear on his face.
-Also.

Oswald pulls his son into an embrace.

-I had to sit down for this?
-You're too tall, it looks ridiculous now.
-I've been taller than you since I was 11 years old, get used to it!
-I...What is that?
-I know, I need a shower...says the teenager, trying to get up before his father stops him.
-Sit. Down," said the Penguin, searching his son's pockets and finally pulling out a pack of cigarettes. -Do you want to explain yourself?
-Margot didn't have a pocket on her jeans and she asked me if I could keep...
-Really? I don't even have the right to a better lie than I'm keeping it for a friend? Also tell me what back alley crook can afford Dunhill? You've stolen mine, you snotty brat!
-Yeah, betrayed by your snobbish tastes. I don't even see the difference with the regulars!
-Ignatius Edward Ogilvy Cobblepot, continue like this and I swear I will...
-You're home!

Oswald turned to see Addison, Ethan and Aiden with Martin in his arms in the living room with them. What the hell, he's too tired for that.

-Yes, your brother has returned. And he'll tell you everything about his evening before you go back to bed," said the Penguin with a crooked smile. -But Daddy is a bit tired and will go to sleep for say...noon, which sounds reasonable. Ignatius is in charge from here on.
-This is parenfication," hissed his son.
-No, it's entrusting my most precious possession to my best lieutenant. And I'll get it back!" he said, stuffing the cigarettes into his pocket.

Chapter Text

-It's so tragic, isn't it?" asked Penguin over the phone. -To go from number 4 to 278 on the waiting list for this kidney transplant especially when your brother's expectation is 3 months at best.

Oswald hears a faint sob and tilts his gaze towards the toddler in his arms. Ethan is still asleep in his arms, suckling on a pacifier...God, he's cute when he sleeps. The sound comes from the person on the phone. Good.

Oswald resume:
-Not to mention your nephew. God knows what an infectious needle can give you.

After announcing to his interlocutor that he has destroyed everything he cherishes, Oswald hangs up and gets up as gently as possible, his youngest son still asleep in his arms. The little one is put in his crib where Oswald tucks him in.

-Sleep well my beautiful boy.

Once out of the room, he goes to the living room to join Zsasz who had taken the liberty of making himself a sandwich.

-You'll excuse me for being long but routine is important if I want this one to sleep.
-No problem, boss. Not too difficult to put your kids to sleep while threatening someone?
-It actually helps," says Oswald.
-Really?
-At this age, they don't understand the words, just the intonation. And they seemed to like it no matter if I told them a story or the description of what you did tonight to the parents of our bad player.
-Glad you can combine business with pleasure.
-Not really. Honestly, it's maybe the one thing I'm really going to miss when they grow up.

To hear the horror in the voice of someone who has lost everything they love while his child sleeps peacefully against him.

-I guess it finally happened: they made me soft.

Chapter Text

-Ethan? asked the Penguin.
-Yes, Dad?
-Are you feeling good?
-Of course, why do you ask?
-Because your voice sounds hoarse and you're wearing a pullover in this temperature.
-Said the guy always dressed in a suit, Ethan retorted.
-Let me at least see," Oswald said, putting his own hand to his forehead before pretending to do the same for Ethan.

Ethan let it happen and Oswald took the opportunity to pull the turtleneck

-I KNEW IT!

*****

-Addison, Aiden, come here right now," shouted Oswald.
-Dad, it's not their fault!
-Who then? Ignatius? Martin? Does your mother have a new boyfriend or girlfriend...
-It's none of them!" says Ethan.
-Who did what? Ignatius asked.
-Not us," says Addison. -Whatever Ethan said, he's lying...Whoa!

Ethan's neck now exposed shows blue-purple hematoma.

Who did this? signs Martin.

-It's not important," says Ethan.
-If you're too scared of them, I can take care it for a price," says Aiden.
-I'm not scared! It's just...I don't think it's worth it.
-Ethan, it was cute at 5 years old when you want to make peace with the little neighbour who pushed you off the playground, Oswald said. -It's stupid now when someone has tried to strangle you!
-Okay, first of all, I know that Ignatius broke the eye socket of the neighbour.
-You're welcome for that!
-Second, can I at least explain myself?
-Very well," said Oswald. -We are listening.
-Okay, so there's this guy who started buying me goods in my class...
-Why did he get your black market instead of us? Addison grumbled. -We are older!
-You should have made me an offer like him," replied Ignatius.
-Shut up and let him continue! Oswald said angrily.
-We started to talk a little and hang out together, he doesn't have many friends. And he invited me to eat at his place. It was...okay. His mother left the family, his stepmother died, his father works all the time, same thing for his elder sister...It's a bit sad. And so his father had left money to order. We settled down to watch a movie and then went to his room. We were talking and he leaned over to me and I was like...Oh, okay let's see where this goes. As long as it stays above the belt, I'm ok to try. But strangulation was not one of the things I was open to.
-Alright, son," said Oswald in a surprisingly soft voice. -Firstly, it's perfectly normal to want to experiment at your age.
-Yes, I know that, Ethan said, rolling his eyes.
-Good. And I understand that you don't want to cause your friend maybe more any problems but maybe we should call Harley to explain things to you...
-Oh hell no! Screw this guy, I'm glad his dad sent him to Willowood Asylum!
-What?
- And he didn't lie to me, I checked in the documents of the asylum, he really had him committed. Listen, when JJ started choking me....
-JJ?" said Aiden. -Are you for real, Ethan?
-Aiden, would you like to develop?
-With pleasure, Dad. JJ's real name is Jame Gordon jr, the commissioner's son! And he looks like a teenage version of Jeffrey Dahmer with red hair.
-About as many red flags as the Chinese New Year, I agree," Oswald said.

-Look, when JJ tried to strangle me, I bit him in the face enough to make him bleed. His father heard us and even though JJ was the one bleeding with me on top of him, he immediately understood what happened. He knows what his son is and he had him locked up. He apologized, he wanted to take me to the hospital, that if I wanted to press charges, he would understand...Dad, he didn't do anything wrong. Besides, even if you tried to destroy his life, I don't think you could, it sucks enough as it is.
-If he knew despite how he found you that his son was the aggressor, that means you weren't his son first try and he knew that, Oswald said coldly. -And given your poor decisions over the last few hours, let me be the judge of what we do. Everyone has something they value more than their own life.
-Okay, says Ethan. -His ex-wife is a total alcoholic who doesn't want anything to do with his kids to whom he still has to pay alimony, his second wife was killed by the Joker, his son is a psychopath who he just put away, his daughter was tortured and paralyzed by the Joker and she is still in a wheelchair. He has been tortured by the Joker himself many times, is one of the few uncorrupted cops in this city so he is overworked, gets no respect and doesn't want to retire without someone with his level of ethics or insanity to replace him. He could never get a job elsewhere because he looks like an incompetent.

-When it's just that we're extreme gifted," says the Penguin.
-He doesn't really have any friends except Batman. But if you think you're going to get him this time, by all means do it!
-I'm willing to give it a shot," says Ignatius.
-Ignatius, no! Take it out on his sidekicks, the bat is ours...
-He doesn't have your name tattooed on his person!

He must have other colleagues that he is at least vaguely close to," signed Martin.

-He has two colleagues he's friends with, but I don't think it's going to work out, Ethan says. -He has a certain Harvey Bullock...
-On the list of cops to be sent a cheque at Christmas and photos of them at the brothel! says Ignatius.
-Okay, this one doesn't work. Who's the other one?" asked Oswald.
-Renee Montoya...
-Fine, then let's kill her...
-NO! shouted four of his children (and Martin wrote it down).
-I'm sorry, why this attachment? Oswald asked in confusion.
-Dad," said Ethan. -She is the only woman, gay, Latinx high ranking member of the Gotham Police Department. And you want to kill her to cause emotional distress for a white, straight man?
-...Seriously, are you making fun of me? ask Oswald. -I am not...I have employees of all ethnicities, the majority are women, I am an ally, I even have transgender waitresses!
-Please don't use the card I have black friends," Aiden grumbled.
-I'm just going to say that your veneer of respectability is going to get chipped off faster, it's going to beat the Flash to the race," says Ignatius.
-Very good! I won't touch her! However, I want to say that not considering her as a possible target is a form of benevolent discrimination!
-Sure, Dad, said Addison. -Ethan, everyone has dirt in their past and you're not bad at finding it. Make a little effort and dig in!
-I have already look. All I found was that he had two infidelities: with the girl who became his second wife and before with his sister-in-law.
-Now we know why his first wife drinks," says Aiden.

We use this then? signed Martin.

-Sadly my boy, in the police force, over 15 years ago, no one cares, says the Penguin. -The first wife will be blamed, the second is Sarah Essen. You die trying to save thirty babies from the Joker during no man's land, we could learn tomorrow morning that she was into sadism and bondage and she'd still look like a preacher's daughter. But the sister-in-law...
-Died with her husband in a car accident over 20 years ago, says Ethan.
-Dammit! All right, I'll get someone to inject him with AIDs...
-Dad!
-He'll be able to retire without feeling bad if you do that," says Ignatius. -God, his life really sucks to the point that even giving him AIDs is an improvement.
-Well, let's kill his little psycho for what he did to Ethan," Oswald suggested.
-Don't you think that even though he will be sad, on some level he'll be relieved if you do this? Ethan asked.

Oswald sighed before saying:
-Maybe we ask the city to give him an emotional support animal and we get it killed...
-No!

Don't do this!!!!!!!! Write Martin.

-I think he's just numb to loss after all this time, Ignatius said with a discouraged expression.
-Well, I don't care!" shouted the Penguin. -One of my children was injured, he will pay somehow. Besides, I suspect you know how, Ethan. You were very quick to counter every argument but there must be something you've found.
-I said it was okay. He doesn't even know my last name...
-Well, I guess it's between the dog or the girl in the wheelchair...
-Dad!
-Ethan, think about the dog! Begged Addison
-And the girl in the wheelchair, Aiden reminded her.
-That too, if you want, said his sister, shrugging her shoulders.

Ethan sighed but eventually said:
-There is one thing, but it's one of the few, maybe the only pleasure he has left.
He showed something on his phone to his father.
-A bit mediocre but we take the wins we can get," replied the Penguin.

******

-Gordon.

The commissioner turned to see Batman on the roof.

-Batman, I didn't think I turned on the...
-I learned about James. I'm sorry and if I can help...
-Unless you have a gadget to cure psychopathy, I think I'll have to settle for medical help. At least he's not at Arkham...

Gordon put his hand to his mouth.

-Jim?
-I'm sorry, I'm exhausted. Between JJ and the fact that the police department refuses to serve anything other than decaf, it's a little hard at my age. Can you believe it? One week after I say on my FB page that I appreciate the police station serving free coffee to all its employees, they change the policy.

Chapter Text

It's good to be back, thought the Riddler as he walked into the Iceberge Lodge.

As horrible as it sounds, after the earthquake that destroyed Gotham, he decided to flee. Don't get me wrong, he likes a bit of anarchy and chaos but role-play mad max, not for him. But once the situation had calmed down, he had returned. Star City was nice and he had fun with Green Arrow, but Gotham was still his home.

-One death in the afternoon please, he asked the waitress.
-Making a double and charging it to the house.
-Ozzie! said the Riddler as he turned to look at his old friend.
-I'm glad you're back in Gotham," said the Penguin, returning his smile.
-What can I say? I miss this city and its people. You have to tell me everything!
-With pleasure. I look forward to hearing about your adventures, too. Let's go upstairs.

******

-No, for real? With Ivy?" asked Ed. -And I thought she was a piece of mossy wood instead of a heart.
-Love changes you, I suppose," says Oswald.
-And what does the Joker think about it?
-I don't think he gives a damn. Maybe they are some kind of open relationship?
-Or maybe it's because Ivy is a woman and it doesn't really matter to him.
-Who knows with him? Aahhh, excuse me, I'm getting tired, says the Penguin, trying to stifle a yawn.
-That's normal, it's almost 5am, Ed realized.
-I guess it's time for night owls like us to go to bed.
-Riddle me this: I have a base but I’m not a baseball field,I have sheets but I’m not a binder, I’m sometimes a king but I don’t have a crown,I’m used every night but I’m not a light, I have a room named after me but I’m not a bath.
-I'm too tired to think, but I assume it's a bed or a room or some such thing. And yes, you can sleep in one of my guest rooms.

*******

-Good morning," said Oswald. -Get a room ready for my guest.

Ed held out his coat and leaned against the wall. He could have fallen asleep standing up.
Suddenly, a woman of Asian descent in a green dress approached Oswald. His girlfriend of the moment, perhaps.

-Peri, did the night go well? asked Oswald.

Peri leaned over to whisper something to the man.

-I see. At least he'll know what to do if he gets picked on at school," laughed the Penguin.
-She's the babysitter for which of your children? asked the Riddler before a blade was placed under his chin.
-Peri and her sister Gale don't normally do nannies but my youngest needs someone with their talent so they're bailing me out while they find a better contract," explained the Penguin.
-I'm sorry, I'm sure you're very talented in your regular job as well as being an excellent babysitter," said the Riddler.
This seemed to calm Peri, who retracted the blade from her wrist.
-It's true I didn't tell you," realized the Penguin. -My family has expanded again.
-What?

******

The Penguin guided them to a nursery. Inside, a woman identical to Peri (Gale, Ed guessed) swayed in a rocking chair with a baby sitting on her lap. The baby threw something and Gale did the same. Both things landed against a corkboard and the Riddler realised that the baby was throwing a toy and the woman was throwing a knife and stabbing it into the wall.

-I wanted to put pictures up, but if it amuses him," says the Penguin.

The baby then turned its head towards him and waved. Something is weird about this baby...
Gale got up and took him to his father.

-Here, my beautiful boy," said Oswald as he took him in his arms. -Did you miss me at all?

At that moment, the Riddler understood.

-He is mute.
-Yes. The doctor doesn't know if he was born that way or if something damaged his vocal cords during the no man's land. It's not so bad, honestly. He can have a normal life even like this. That's one of the reasons I asked Gale and Peri to come. I want him to see people with similar difficulties to his who have succeeded.

He then showed the baby to the Riddler:
-Martin,this is Edward Nygma, better known as the Riddler.

The Riddler looked at the child intensely before saying:
-Oz, do we walk your friends home or...
-They are already gone.

The riddler looks around in surprise beford he said:
-Well, at least we can talk in private.
-If it's a plan, can it at least wait...
-He's not your biological kid.

*****

-Edward, we are friends but watch your mouth.
-Look, I'm not saying this to be mean. In fact, I'm sure you already knew that, I'm just curious as to why.
-What is your evidence?" asked the Penguin dismissively.
-Babies look more like their fathers in the first year of life to trigger a sense of attachment and make them want to stay.
-I'm pretty sure my boys didn't get the memo: Ignatius, Aidan and Ethan look nothing like me! Only my poor daughter take after me, and thank God Violet's genes have softened her physique.
-Your three boys have your blue eyes and Aidan has black hair like you.
-And his mother. Believe me, if she was a redhead, I would raise a ginger.
-Okay, where is his mother? And who is this?
-Dovina Partridge, a socialist and ornithology enthusiast whom I met at an evening dedicated to the protection of endangered species. One of the many victims of no man's land.
-Is her lobe attached?
-What are you talking about?
-Dovina's ears, their earlobes were attached or not? continued the Riddler.
-Call me boring if you like but the bits that interest me in a woman are the more traditional ones. I don't really care about the earlobes," said Oswald incredulously.
-Yours are not attached unlike Martin's. This is a recessive gene, even if you assume that Dovina had them, the chance that you will produce a child with attached earlobes is less than 30%.
-Blonde hair and blue eyes are also recessive. I have produced 4 children with blue eyes and 2 with blond hair.
-Even the name doesn't fit!" said Ed.
-What is your problem with the name Martin?
-It doesn't work with the theme!
-Can you go back to a more traditional style of riddle, I'm lost.
-Addison and Aiden, Ethan, Ignatius, Oswald...All your names start with vowels! If Martin was your child from the beginning, his name would have started with U or Y at the very least," Ed explained as if it were obvious.
-Oh, I never realised but you are right! It's ironic, since Martin is the only one I've named.
-What?
-The other 4 were all named at the whim of their mothers. You can be sure that otherwise I would have named Addison after my mother.
-Not even the middle name?" asked Ed with concern.
-No why...Oh! No, sorry, Ignatius is named after Ann's father, I think, not you.

Oswald could hardly contain a laugh at Eddie's sulky face.

-It's just a sweet coincidence that my first child's middle name is the same as yours.
-You had a vasectomy after Ethan was born, Ed spat out.
-You could have started with the fact that you read my medical file. And then I have...some reserves of genetic material if I ever get the fancy to have another one. It might also be useful the day they finally get comfortable with stem cell technology. I'm definitely going to need a lung transplant one day.
-You still haven't said how you got him, the Riddler reminded him.

Penguin sighed as he looked at the baby.

*****

The earthquake was a blessing in disguise. He was able to take control and even gain popularity because of his connections and the merchandise he owns. He enjoyed being the city's favorite son and living like a king. It would end one day but by then he would have gained wealth, power and influence.
People come to him and plead for favors. He asks for a price but he can be clement. And he was ready to be clement with ...the incubator that gave birth to Martin.

******
-I have children, so that made me a bit softer. Not enough to spare someone who says he has three mouths to feed, he should have thought of that before. But you know, 10 years ago, I probably would have agreed to sell popsicles with drugs in them to target a younger market, but now...it seems tacky.
-Hey, you know my opinion on this," says Ed. -I want to kill Batman as much as the next guy but do we really need to blow up a bus full of handicapped orphans for that?
-I think we are maturing unlike others," says Oswald. -Finally, this woman...I was ready to give her the benefit of the doubt: She may have had nothing to feed him or other children to take care of and thought this was the only solution, she may have been raped or not been able to have an abortion. She may have genuinely thought I could give him to loving parents and normally that's done quite well. I mean really, you pass drugs illegally once and you can't adopt but there's nothing stopping you from doing it if you're on the sex offenders list. But after the earthquake...
-I'll have a lot of respect for whoever decides to pick up a kid to keep him from starving, but we know what kind of world we live in," the Riddler said coldly. -This child would be more likely to end up being eaten by our shocking large population openly interested in cannibalism or lent to a pervert who would replay his favorite scenes of Daisy's destruction for resources.
-Exactly," sighed the Penguin. -I explain this to her, I offer to take things instead, she had good quality jewellery in gold and precious stones, some work, I advance her some vives, nothing. And she thought that I would not accept because of the child's handicap. Including the scenario where we give it to a pervert. That it's less fun when it doesn't scream but at least nobody notices. As far as I know, this child was made for a specific purpose, I don't remember exactly if it was a baby trap to hold a man, to get state assistance or some other such reason. I'm just trying to stay calm and not think about mine.
-She reminds me of my parents," Ed said mockingly.
-I hope they would have at least asked for something better. Food, water, warm clothes, toilet paper, weapons, medicine. Even alcoold or drugs, I would have understood.
-What did she request?
-A way out of Gotham and money.

The riddler starts to laugh:
-Are you kidding? I think if you had access to this in the first place, you would have gotten your kids out of the city first. And what is she going to do with the money?
-I think it was for once that she was outside. And at the risk of being blunt, if it was really possible and I was open to the exchange, why would I pay a lot for this one when I can get more for less? Thank God, he is already smarter than her," said Oswald, looking at his youngest in his arms.
-And yet you agreed to it.
-If I didn't do it, someone else would. But I told her that the cash I had was limited so I would only give her what I had on hand and a good bottle which I offered to open," said Oswald with false innocence.
-What did you put in it?" asked the Riddler with curiosity.
-Honestly, I can't believe what you and the others sometimes forget. I know a lot of the people in Arkham don't always have access to their medication or have to spend time for the negative effects to stop but still. I've got Joker venom, Ivy poisons, Crane's toxin and even a bit of Banes' venom. I just mixed it all together.
-Okay, she's dead for sure. Quickly if she was lucky, definitely painfully.
-I confirm. I asked Raven to throw away what was left. And I decided to take the baby to the floor where my entourage was for safety.

*****

Oswald puts down the baby who starts to wriggle on the bed. He was going to have to find a cot or a moise to make the situation easier.

-Couldn't you have held back?

He turned to see Violet standing before him with her hands on her hips.

-What?" asked the Penguin.

Violet showed the baby.

-At least tell me that your new flame knows about your other children. Because making her visit your harem will be bad enough as it is!
-I'm impressed that you're using the right definition for Harem," says the Penguin.

Technically, a harem is a place for the female members of the sultan's family (his mother, sisters, etc.) and his children. A Seraglio is actually closer to what people imagine a harem to be, i.e. a place filled with beautiful women to entertain the Sultan. Ok, he has one too but it's not girls who bought from a trafficker, just women who are willing to offer him company in exchange for resources. They can leave whenever they want!

-What are you...
-Daddy!

Ethan, Addison and Aiden are now around him. He welcomes this distraction.

-At least someone is happy to see me, he says as he picks up Ethan.
-What's going on?

Crystal joins them accompanied by Ignatius.

-Baby!" said Aiden suddenly, climbing onto the bed to see the infant.
-Aiden, no!" said Oswald as he placed Ethan back on the floor and stop his other son . -Does not bother the baby.
-Do we have a new sibling? ask Ignatius.

Violet and Ignatius just assumed that the baby is... Whoa, if he had known that one day he would have this kind of reputation!

-...Yes.

Oswald answered without thinking. And he does not regret it. Why not after all? This little thing has no one. His handicap makes him even less desirable to the public. He can afford one more mouth to feed. Just one more for the road. Five is a good number and it will be his last.

-Is it a girl?" asked Addison.
-No, it is a little boy.
-I don't want it then! I have too many brothers already," complains Addison.
-Addison! her mother gets angry.
-Well, that leaves you as your father's only little princess," said Oswald. -Say hello to Martin.

Finally, he can baptize one. But Addison has a point: if it had been a girl, he could have called her Esther. Well, the Cobblepots have always made more boys than girls anyway.

-Oh, he's cute," Crystal said as she picked him up before saying worried:
-Oz, he doesn't look good. He doesn't even make any noise.
-Yes, he is mute. I don't know if it's from birth or something that happened in the incident that killed his poor mother.
-My God, Oswald I had no idea...
-It's nothing Violet, you didn't know. Look, I need to keep going for now because time is also a resource that we are sorely lacking.

Also getting comfort from your ex for imaginary girlfriend who died is distasteful even for him.

-I'll send a doctor to check him out, he concludes quickly.
-Poor little guy," said Crystal.
-Do we have powdered milk and diapers for him?" asked Violet.
-I'll send some up too, Oswald promised.
-What's the news about Aunt Miranda and Cousin Joshua? Ignatius asked.
-They are fine, they were outside with her family when the earthquake hit.
-Yes, we can miss Joshua's birthday, Aiden said before his father gave him a reproachful look. -Sorry.
-And how did your exploration go? Penguin asked his elder son.
-Well, we found a whole stock of Zestie," Ignatius said proudly.
-That's my boy!
-I can't believe you let him out," growled Violet. -And all for some stupid soda.
-You speak as if I sent him alone without a weapon. He wanted to go and we need that for our alliance with Scarface. He is willing to trade ammunition to get his fix.
-He's right," says Crystal.
-You're telling me that the puppet drinks soda?" asked Violet.
-Yes, Mr. Wesker pours it directly into the mouth of Scarface. It's not even in my top ten of the weirdest customers I have at the Iceberge but it must not be good for the wood?
-I'll be honest, I've never thought about the long-term effects of soft drinks on wood but I'd say that's not what I'd call Wesker's main problem," says the Penguin. -Well, please take care of Martin and make me a list of what you need in addition to nappies and milk powder for him or yourself, nothing is too much to get for you all.

******

-You just left him there?" asked a shocked Ed.
-Despite my complicated relationship with Violet and Crystal, I can assure you that neither of them would hurt Martin. I've seen them interact with Ignatius. They are their children's brothers before they are my sons.

Ignatius was a little distrustful of the mothers of his siblings after his experience with one of Oswald's girlfriends. Oswald took it upon himself to explain the situation. Crystal basically made it her mission to be a kind of cool big sister to Ignatius. Violet is willing to take him in if Oswald is not able to take care of his own son (he made a mistake, damn it, and has been trying to make up for it ever since). Martin had received the same treatment. Probably the reason why the little one had trouble getting used to his new life cycle. He had enjoyed living with his father, his four siblings and his two not-mothers. It's a bit empty now with just his dad, a brother and the rest he just sees from time to time.

-Sometimes I think they'll take a page from Les Diaboliques, killed me, make it look like an accident and just collect all the kids and money before moving into my house and maybe becoming lovers.
-You seem pretty calm with this possibility, Ed notes.
-Only because I am sure that at least one of my children will avenge me by killing them or refusing to visit when they turn 18. Whatever hurts them the most.
-I don't ask you how you got the legal documents, anyone with hacking knowledge or money can declare himself what he wants, says the Riddler confirming his own situation.
-Even easier and cheaper after the no mand land. So many births, deaths and undocumented incidents, says the Penguin. -My last car cost me more than Martin's papers," laughed the Penguin before telling the baby.- Don't worry, I would have paid double if I had to.
-You do know that one day your kid may have to take a blood test and may have questions. Or do you hope to be dead by then?
-I have planned this. I would simply tell him that I thought I was his father because of my history with his mother and that I had asked her shortly before the earthquake. It was impossible to do a test under those circumstances and I wasn't going to let him die simply under the possibility of doubt. And once I was able to do the test...I was too attached to him to make any difference.
-But riddler me this: Why say that this Dovina is his mother?
-Because I may be unlucky in love but I always seem to have chosen the mothers of my children well: Ann may have been more morally flexible like me, but she cared for Ignatius more than anything, Violet sees me as a monster but will tolerate me for the sake of Addison and Aiden, Crystal gained a spine the day Ethan was born...I would like the youngest to be entitled to the same treatment, not someone who only sees him as a defective thing just good to get her goal. I dated her once and she was pregnant at the time of the no man's land. No one is going to dig any further.Dovina was a nice girl who loved birds and was kind to everyone, which is what he deserves to have. You know as well as I do how destructive it is to never have been wanted.
-...Yes, but someone wanted him," said Ed, watching the child sleep.

Chapter Text

Oswald groaned in pain. The bat bastard had done him pretty good. No choice, he was going to have to ask the girls to take care of his business tonight and just work from home if the painkillers helped enough. He then felt something jump on his bed.

-What the...Martin come down from there, your father is ill!

A gentle family euphemism, Oswald always says sick rather than injured. It sounded less scary and involved fewer questions that way.

The child obeys, looking frightened.

-I'm sorry my boy, I'm not in any condition to play at the moment. I'm trying to get enough rest so I can work later on," says Oswald more calmly. -You understand?

Martin nods.

-Good boy.

*****
Some hours later, Oswald woke up. Everything still hurts but he thinks he can work for a few hours. When he gets up, he feels something in his bed. Pulling back the covers, he finds a penguin stuffed animal that he remembers giving to Martin (The kid has stuffed animals of all species in his room but it seemed appropriate for the first one). There is a note in the beak of the toy. Oswald unfolds it to read the message.

I know you're not really sick. No virus can break a hand. It's ok, I know that Batman is a meanie.Don't worry. Ig, Addy, Aiden, Ethan and I will avenge you. I'll let you Peter until you feel better.
Martin xxx

Oswald will swear on his deathbed that he let out a groan of pain because he made a wrong move. Not a squeak because of a note written by his six year old son.

Chapter Text

Oswald Cobblepot loves his children. All of them, he loves them no matter how much they drive him crazy sometimes. He loves the ambition of Ignatius, the boldness of Addison, the bravery of Aiden, the intelligence of Ethan and the resilience of Martin. They will restore the reputation of the Cobblepots and unlike others like the Falcoms, their underground empire will not end up being destroyed by inheritance wars.

But he would be lying if he said he was always comfortable with it. Because Oswald can nurse a baby bird fly, drive a man to suicide only with words and keep his head above water when everyone drowns during a recession...But damn, he had no idea what to do when Addison was put in his arms, panic when Aiden followed. And let's not even talk about Ethan. He's sure the baby screamed louder as soon as he saw him. He knows it's not logical, they were babies. They cry at the drop of a hat. But part of him thought that they didn't love him by instinct. This is not a big deal. All he has to do is give Violet and Crystal a check every month, a gift from his secretary for Christmas and their birthday and they'll be fine. He will pay for their higher education and stay as far away from them as possible. Case closed. Their mothers would certainly not complain.

And then he got a call from England about Ann. Ann Ogilvy, what good memories! A beautiful young girl he had met during his years of study in Europe. Two foreigners (because in this kind of institution, Scottish and American are as close thing to exotic as you will find), with a rather flexible moral sense. As a scholarship student who did not have the same means as the majority of the school, the pretty thing provided the campus with what they needed to make ends meet : drink, drugs, girls (or boys) and other illicit stuff. Personally, Oswald only wanted contact. The family fortune was melting away and he understood that he would have to go through this to get by. Ann had brought him where he needed to go and he had served as protection when the water was too hot for her in school (his name still had some power). A business relationship that had turned into a friendship and, at least for him, a love affair. Maybe she had loved him too. Enough to spend several nights with him and apparently have his child. But Oswald was not born yesterday, he had asked for tests. Positive, he was the boy's father.

When he went to the orphanage, he was shocked. If it hadn't been for the tests, he would never have thought it was his son. The child is tall, blond and photogenic. Like his mother, in fact. The only thing Oswald can see of him in this child are his icy blue eyes. Oh, and they are names that were in vogue two centuries ago.

-Ignatius, this is your father, Mr Cobblepot," explains the social worker.

The child stares at him, looking legitimately confused.

-Go and say hello," the social worker urges him.
-Only if he wants to, says the Penguin.

What did this idiot expect? That he would call him Daddy and jump into his arms? His mother is dead, a man he has never seen and who looks nothing like him introduces himself as his father and takes him to another continent. Seriously, Oswald was prepared for screams and tears.

-Hello sir," said the boy, holding out his hand.
-Nice to meet you, Ignatius. Do you have all your belongings? Is there anyone you want to say goodbye to?
-No.

Well, at least it simplifies things. Before leaving, he still tried to coax the child.

-Do you want anything? A toy? A treat? Maybe something to read?
-I like your cigarette holder, can I have one?
-No.
-Why?
-You are not going to start smoking before you reach puberty. In fact, never start, it's very hard to quit.
-Second-hand smoke is worse than primary smoke. So you might as well give it to me.
-Wonderful, you're a smart-ass. Which do you prefer, candy cigarettes or nothing?

He chooses the candy option and Oswald even lets him have some other sweets.

*****

The flight home goes quite well except for the moment when Oswald falls asleep to find that Ignatius has taken his lighter (thank God not the cigarettes) and played with it.

-Hey! Give me that back right now or else...

Before he could find the else, the child, not frightened, only sulky, gave it back.

-I wasn't going to set anything on fire.
-Maybe not on purpose, but I'm not going to take any chances," Oswald said severely.
-Can I have mine? Please? With my initials like you.
-I don't see the need for a lighter in someone who hasn't even reached double digits in age.

After that, the child sulk and Oswald goes back to sleep.

*****

-Is this your house?" asked Ignatius.
-And yours now too," said Oswald.

Some rules are needed until he can send him to school.

-You don't bother my birds. If you want to see them or interact with them, you ask me first. You don't play with my umbrellas...
-Why would I play with your umbrellas?
-I don't know, you play with my lighter, why not with the umbrellas? Look, if you're bore, we'll go and buy you a few things, but you have to be on your best behaviour for that. I also expect you to maintain good hygiene...Can you bathe yourself? Oswald asked vaguely worried.
-I am not a baby, said Ignatius, clearly insulted by the question.
-There are times when I wonder about this.

The child was not so bad but their relationship was...cordial. He was fed, housed, heated, Oswald gave him something to play with (again, Oswald had expected worse when he took him to buy toys) and didn't break anything. In fact, his only problem with the child is his strange habit of refusing to sleep in his room. He usually finds him asleep in one of the living rooms in a chair or a sofa when it's not just a nest of blankets by the fireplace.

-Why don't you sleep in your bed?
-I prefer the couch, why do you mind?
-Not really but don't come crying to me when you have back problems in 20 years.

But otherwise it's fine. They are polite to each other but it is clearly not a family relationship.Or maybe just lik the uncle you are polite to because your parents told you to be. He tries to eat with him when he comes home early (it's rare but he makes the effort). Sometimes a little polite conversation, lets him play outside (fresh air is good at his age). They have a routine, he assumes. It's like Ann left him a cat. Did he want the cat? Not really, but apparently he can take care of it without having to worry about it too much.
Then he made a mistake. A mistake that almost cost him his first born.

*******
His father asked him several times if Ignatius was sure that the hatchet was buried. It took him a few minutes to understand what he was talking about. They argued about a lot of things when he was growing up. Stupid things as well as important things. If he wants a list of blames, he'll give it to him. But this? On the contrary, he is not angry at him. He is not happy that it happened but he is happy with the final result.

*****

His father... It feels strange to call him that. This man is not like him. He is, however, what his mother said he was. Mostly. He should have been excited. He had flown for the first time (and in first class), he was in America, he was in Gotham, the city where criminals are kings, his father is rich and if he doesn't love him, he is still willing to throw his money at him as long as he leaves him and his stupid birds alone. Social springboard, anyone? He just needed to play his cards right and who knows? He could be a king of Gotham. The sky was the limit.

So he plays the game, he's as good as gold when his father is around. And he explores when the old man is not there. His father was insistent about umbrellas. So that's the first thing to check. The guy doesn't even lock his bedroom door.
They look ...posh, he supposes. The handle is carved like a bird's head. Maybe it's just for looks, he thinks as he takes one of the umbrellas. ...It's heavy. Too heavy for a normal umbrella. Ignatius plays with the handle to open it, thinking that there might be something hidden inside. The umbrella does not open but a blade comes out of the top.

-Whoa!

He had already heard of sword cane but sword umbrella that a new one. He wonders what others are doing. But before he can try anything else, he hears footsteps. He has time to put the umbrella back in its place but not to hide.

-What are you doing here?" asked Oswald.

He is with one of his girlfriends (one of the regulars). Ignatius doesn't even try to remember their names (not that his father presents them to him anyway). He gives them numbers and the lucky ones he sees more than once get a nickname. She's Arsemonger because she loves looking down on his father's servants too stupid to realize that you shouldn't insult the people who make your food but intelligent enough not to do it in front of the master of the house.

-I'm looking for you," said Ignatius as innocently as possible.
-All right, what's the reason?
-I need new rain boots. My old ones are tight and damaged, Ignatius says quickly.

The best lies are those with a base of truth.

-Oh, sure. We'll go and buy you some this weekend," said Oswald more calmly. -Now go and play somewhere else.

Ignatius leaves without a word.

-You too," said Oswald, addressing the woman.
-But I want to play with you, Ozzie," said Arsemonger with a baby voice. -Also, I would like to know if you have thought about my book...

She makes a move towards Oswald but he stops her.

-Rachel, he's here," said the Penguin coldly. -I don't want to pay a shrink in 15 years.

After that, the Penguin locked himself in his room. Arsemonger sulks for her part, for whom, Ignatius wonders.

-Did you hear him? Fuck off!
-It's my home, you fuck off!
-Hey cum stain, little news for you: he wants me, not you.
-Eww, that s my dad. Thee are a mody dick doll.
-Did you just call me a doll with a dick? Rachel got angry.

The child laughs before saying:
-Nah, girlsmodes make much more effort than yer do.

Rachel rushed towards Ignatius who remained unmoved. She wants a reaction to prove that she has the advantage and he won't give it to her.

-Listen to me, you are just a mistake he made and the first chance to get rid of you, he will take it. So enjoy your time here while you still can.
-Want to make a bet on who goes first? Because honey, I think your insistence he help publish a caption cook of shitty poetry killed most of hisinterest in you. It's only a matter of time before he loses your number and find better.
-I'm not a loose whore like the others including the whore that shits you, Rachel retorted coldly and she grabbed Ignatius by the shirt.

The child looks at her before laughing at her surprise:
-You sleep with my dad to get stuff, how are yer different? The doll who asked him if he could buy a new wheelchair for mother instead of tom foolery can use argument, not thee. Also you can't think of anything better than whore, Mrs. Poetess? Slag? Scrubber? Trollop?

Maybe it was mean, but it was honest. This is probably the reason for her reaction. Arsemonger then slapped him and forced him to turn around to look at her.

-Ow! Thee hit me, yer ligger...
-Yeah, and I can do it again," Rachel says proudly. -Do you want us to keep going until you yell enough for Ozzy to come? You know, just to tell us to keep it down.

Ignatius looks at her suddenly worried. He would take his side, right? He is his son after all...If you thought he cared about you, you would have already told him the problem with your room, he realizes.

-Listen to me carefully:I am beautiful, intelligent, desirable, artistic so he likes to take care of me. You're just a big snot he picks up with a Ukrainian whore and because that bitch is dead, he has to have you here instead of sending you a check like the other bastards.
-Other? I have...I have siblings?

He had not even considered this possibility. Rachel takes his arm and digs her nails into it.

-Yeah, maybe he could send you with the other Ukrainian whore, the white trash gold digger or just put you all little bastards in the same bag before throwing it in the river. That's what we should always do with litters of pussy in heat, she concluded before giving him a final slap.

*****

After that Rachel (or as he affectionately calls it years later: arsemonger whore. That was her favourite word after all. ) and he is at war with each other. Every time she's there without his father being there, she digs her nails into his arm, pushes him and once even spilled her boiling coffee on him. This time at least, the maid Olga intervened. Ignatius learned a lot of Russian insults in the process. At least one person who cares about him in this house.
But the problem remains the same. She has the advantage over him, she is desired unlike him. Even if she is definitely not his father's favourite doll. He would have to show himself useful, so that the old man would have a reason to keep him. His mother died because she thought that by staying in the soft centre of crime, she would protect him. Just don't rock the boat, keep the status quo. High enough to survive, too low to be really interesting. And we all know how that turned out. Now Ignatius must take his place. To prove that he is worth keeping, feeding and housing.
...He could cripple Arsemonger.

Chapter Text

It was hard to get into his father's room but he managed with a little help.

-She won't bother you here, the blyad!
-Thank, Olga.

He returns to where he originally saw the umbrellas. He had had time to observe them a bit and knew which one he wanted. The one with the gun in it.

******

-Hey Rachel.

The kid is standing in front of the door of the room where she has settled down holding something hidden behind his back.

-What do you want crotch goblin ?
-Does my father know thee re here?
-Of course he knows! And I love that I'm always ready for him when he comes home!
-Oh, thee re his house pet now?
-His...? Oh,you shitty little....

Ignatius pulled the umbrella from behind his back.

-Backs up septic tank !

Rachel's face paled to the point that she almost looked like a mine.

-Hey, baby. Let's not get too worked up...
-Shut up, you! Honestly, the high-pitched whining voice just makes me want to do one more hole," said Ignatius, preparing to take aim.

Rachel tried to run away.
Ignatius thinks that in another context it would have been funny. He calls himself an idiot for not having thought of this detail. Because if his father wasn't yet super comfortable with fatherhood, he still had the reflex to not keep his weapons loaded in the house.

-Click

Ignatius and Rachel freeze, suddenly realizing the situation.

-Fuck!

Ignatius tried to flee, then to fight but...

*****

-What are you doing?" Oswald asked coldly as he saw the maid rummaging in his desk.

It's the russian, Olga, he thinks.

-I need a key! Cupboard key!

Oswald is surprised. Normally, she would have made some excuse, scared of the consequences.

-And you need this key at the risk of your employment and safety because...? the Penguin asked coldly.
-I don't leave detka locked up!
-What are you talking about? What's in the cupboard?
-Your son is locked inside, sir!

And it is Oswald's blood that becomes cold at that moment.

****

Oswald opens the cupboard door violently.

-Ignatius?

Ignatius is on the ground, hyperventilating. Realizing the door is open, he rushes out towards Olga without a look for Oswald. The child is crying and screaming, clinging to her.
Oswald hates how familiar it sounds.

It's going to sound stupid but it had to happen for Oswald to realise what Ignatius is. He's just a little boy who saw his mother, the only person he had in the world, shot like a dog. How young he is, that the child was so calm and detached because he already knows that showing weakness in this cruel and cold world is a death sentence. Deep down, his son is very much like him.
His son... What have you done, Oswald?

-Ignatius...
-Scapa flow away!
-Mr. Cobblepot, he's not well...

He can see the maid turn pale as she looks at the child and Oswald rushes to see for himself forcing the child to turn around to look at him.
Ignatius is big now, he can defend himself. Oswald has seen him fight with weapons and bare hands, his technique is sometimes lacking but he is strong and vicious. But his little boy with two black eyes and the piece of umbrella rib sticking out of his arm will never fade from his mind.

-What on earth happened to you?
-I said leave me the hell alone!
-Language!

Ignatius is startled and Oswald immediately regrets yelling. He's just a little boy. He's scared, he's in pain and he's trying to be as threatening as possible to protect himself. Oswald had a little experience in this field.

-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I'm just worried for you...

It's fine, he's just a little boy, you were able to handle cassowaries and batman. He can't be any worse. What to do, what to do...

Control.

-Do you feel at ease with her?" asked Oswald.
-Who?
-Olga. Do you want her to stay with you while we talk about what happened?

Ignatius looks up at the woman.

-I don't mind, moy dorogoy.

It reassures the child a little but it does not calm him.

-I fight, I have lost! Are yer satisfied?
-Against what? A heavyweight boxer?

The child tenses up again and Oswald realises that he must remain calm.

-If you don't want to say anything, fine. But I want you to know that the person who did this to you not only hurt you and locked you up, but made Olga come and search my office for the key. You know what would have happened if I had been too angry to ask her what she was doing there?
-Killed her, said Ignatius and Olga in chorus.
-I was going to say fired her.

Olga gives him a look that says that she has serious doubts about this statement.

-Never mind. My point is that the person who hurt you and locked you up also endangered this woman whom you clearly value. A woman who was willing to risk a lot for you. If you don't want revenge, don't you want to avenge her?

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. The Penguin will tell you that this is not necessarily the case. But goodness, if there's no better candy in the universe. And Ignatius deserves a treat after all that.

-One of your girlfriends," Ignatius eventually said.
-Erm...I have a lot of feminine company...
-The arsemonger whore who wants to be your pet house.
-I'm going to give you a pass on that language because you clearly had a very bad last 24 hours but I expect better from a son of mine, Oswald sayd, discouraged by the child's language.
-Is it just me or should my brothers and sisters also not swear, father?

Oswald is shocked by the child's remark that he knows about his siblings as well as the fact that he can make the word father sound like scumbag. An opinion that Olga clearly seems to share given her expression.

-I don't remember talking about...
-She did it. She told me yer have other children. She told me only reason I m even here is because my mum died yer have no one park me with a ant and dec for their problems!

Oh no, the tears are back, Owsald realizes.

-It's not exactly that...
-So wot is it?cries the angry but clearly also sad child.
-Hey, take it easy, you'll make the damage worse!
-As if yer care!
-I care! Blame your mother for not saying anything, not me!
-Thee really have no idea? Ignatius asks incredulously.
-At the moment my only thoughts are to look after you and find out who did this to you, because your description is quite vague.
-This is the suka podonok who was a fake redhead before becoming a brunette and thinks she's better than your other lovers because she thinks she is Anna Akhmatova when the only chance to publishes is you if the fancy takes you to help, says Olga.
-Rachel?" asked Oswald impressed by the maid's observation skills.
-Also I bit her on the left arm if it help, says Ignatius.

*****

Oswald managed to reach Dr Thorne and he was on the move within the hour. Oswald could have gone to a hospital but wanted to 1) avoid the scandal, 2) try to not traumatize his boy further and 3) deal with the problem himself. He stays with them while Thorne (who, to the Penguin's surprise, is really good with children for a man who spends his life pulling bullets out of mobsters' bodies and other rogues).

-I wanted to be a pediatrician but life decided otherwise, he had replied to the Penguin when he saw his expression.
-Will he have any after-effects? Oswald asked, giving the child a worried look.

Oswald is not a sensitive soul but after having helped Ignatius to undress to see the extent of the damage let us say that he had to come back from old habit to remain unperturbed.

-He will have a scar on his arm but nothing more physically. I'm going to give him a tetanus shot, just to be sure. For the rest, just make sure he doesn't do anything that can open his wounds or tire him out too much. For how it happened...
-I know who, I know exactly how, I don't care why and I'm taking care of it tonight.

****

Rachel was sitting in one of the iceberg's private rooms. One of Oz's drivers had come looking for her and had left her no choice but to get in the car and come with them. She had been waiting for at least half an hour when the Penguin finally joined her.

-Oz, darli...
-Stay seated, we have to talk," said Penguin as he settled in.

She obeys, nervous.

-Guess what I found in my cupboard.
-I don't know, I'm not very good at guessing...
-Or lie. I found my boy. And he had a very interesting story to tell.

Rachel realizing the situation tries a pathetic explanation:
-This little psycho tried to pull a gun on me! I...I just spanked him and put him in the closet. I told the maid to take him out after 10 minutes. It's her fault she forgot. He bit me and ripped out an extension from my hair, she said, pointing to a mark on her arm.

Oswald extends his hand as if to examine the arm. Rachel holds it out, trying to induce a sob.

-Stop your bogus crying or I'll help you make them real, said the Penguin as he squeezed her arm as a warning before releasing her. -You really think I'm going to feel sorry for you after what you did to my son?A spanking? The definition must have changed since I was a child or I have spanked many people who owed me money. He's covered in bruises and he's going to have a scar because of you!
-He must have done it to himself or one of your employees must have...
-Allow me to have doubts about a little boy beating himself up, lock themselves in the cupboard while finding a way to hide the key god knows where and spends several hours screaming hoping someone will notice. And for my employees, they know how I would deal with them if I caught one abusing my birds, they can assume it wouldn't be that different for my child. But if you want to talk about faulty employees, we can talk about Jimmy.
-I don't know any Jimmy...
-He's my accountant. You see I was confused about how you could know about my other children. I'm a man with many enemies so I don't talk acquiescence about them. But who do I talk to a lot about them? My accountant. That I learned will give privileged information for a hand job. So thank you for that. Also just for your general culture: Neither Ignatius' mother nor Violet are Ukrainian. Scottish and Hungarian respectively. And yes, Crystal comes from a very disadvantaged background we might say, but gold digger? I think someone's projecting a little.
-Your son attacked me with a gun!" continued Rachel. -Do you think it's normal?
-Honey, look who you're talking to. My son tried to injure you after you threatened and hit him. I was the same age and have the same motives as him for my first murder.
Oswald wasn't going to rub it in Ignatius' face though. His brother Jason was only a few years older than him and not the sharpest pencil in the box. Also it's like with buying houses, this generation has more limitations than theirs. Yeah, with modern technology and without the pre-acquired notion that the family is innocent by default, his ass would have ended up in juvie in no time.
-I'm quite proud of the little one actually. He wanted to deal with the problem himself and who knows? Maybe he would have made it if the weapon had been loaded. I'm even pretty impressed with how hard he tried to defend himself and even managed to hurt you. It's no small thing to fight someone twice your weight and armed.

But look at that," Oswald realizes amused. She managed to produce some real tears finally.

-Ignatius will probably be disappointed that I am taking care of you. But then again, he's still small and will be able to return the favour in a few years.

*****

-I feel vaguely insulted," said Oswald, watching the child eat.
-I don't like eel jelly," says Ignatius eating the alternative meal make by the maid.

Macaroni and cheese, this kid prefers freaking macaroni and cheese. Olga used the caciocavallo podolico to make him because nothing is too good for le petit prince.

-This is Thai snapper sashimi with kimchi dressing and accompaniment, Oswald says discouragingly. -It's not even the same animal!
-That was nice of yer but raw fish soup with onions, radish, other weird vegetables and flowers. Would yer have eaten that at my age?
-Yes, I was born with good taste.
-So more for you, that's good.
-Too much generosity, Oswald said, rolling his eyes. -Ignatius, listen. I know you can do this on your own normally, but with your arm and other injuries, I think you're going to need some help bathing for now.
-Okay, I hope Olga gets a bonus for that at least.
-No need, I'll give it to you.
-Huh?

*******

-All right, so if you're shy, we can put a towel around...
-I can wash my own candle wick thank you, Ignatius said as he tried to find a way to get into the bathtub with one arm.
-Good news at last," said Oswald, picking up the child and putting him in the bathtub. -How's the water?
-Fine.

Ignatius remembers how his father tried not to look at his bruises. Yeah, feel like shit, thee ve earned it old prick! Now let's hope it's not awkward...
It doesn't. Ignatius is confused by how gentle Oswald is and knows what to do as if it were his job. He is even humming while he does it. He finally noticed Ignatius' expression.

-Is there something wrong?
-Why are yer good at it?
-You are not the first person I have given a bath to, Oswald said, continuing his task.
-My siblings?
-My mother...Your grandmother," Oswald quickly corrects himself.

Oswald suddenly feels angry at Ann. Ignatius is the only one of his children who was born before his mother's death. If she could love Oswald, what would she have done when she saw Ignatius. A genuinely beautiful boy with blond hair, blue eyes, tall and healthy. Even beaten up, the kid is cuter than Oswald ever was at the same age. Hell, he's better looking than Jason, Robert and William ever were. Thanks a lot for that, Ann!

-Why do yer park baths? Thee are the bairn, Ignatius asked, snapping him out of it.
-Do you know what an stroke is?

His son shakes his head negatively.

-In simple terms, it's when a blood vessel explodes in someone's head. Sometimes it's not so bad. You just have to be more careful with your health, you get tired more easily or you need help to walk. Sometimes it's more serious and you need help with things as simple as washing, going to the bathroom or you lose a good part of your memory.This is what happened with your grandmother. I was lent money to have a home help for her care but even then I had to take care of her sometimes.
-So yey had be the parent, she was the baby," says Ignatius.
-That's a cute way of putting it. She took care of me all my childhood when it would have been easy to hand me over to a nanny so taking care of her seemed the right thing to do. It wasn't a chore. Close your eyes, I'll wash your hair.

And he means it. The hard part was when she became catatonic, not recognising anything or anyone. Which makes him think.

-Ignatius, I know this is a touchy subject but what does your mother say about me? I would like to understand the logic of her actions.
-My mum said yer were ugly...
-How nice to her.
-So yer had be smart, resilient, hardworking with have a personality. She said she liked hanging out with yer but it was just a playground fling, yer had stop playing in end.
-I'm not sure I understand.
-Thee were born with half the silverware in theer cakehole and my mum is from the east end! Even with her snob degree, they never let her forget it. She wasn't stupid, she knew yer probably had a fancy doll waiting in the States. People like yer don't marry people like us!

The Penguin looks at the child in disbelief. Ann thought she wasn't good enough for him? And he had thought the same thing. Yes, Ann came from a poor background and could be a bit rough on the edges but she was beautiful, intelligent, graceful...Between his looks, the loss of the Cobblepots' money as a reputation, why would she want to...
Oswald starts to laugh.

-What's so funny?" asked Ignatius.
-Nothing, just...I have a friend who always says that life is a cruel joke. I think he is right. I loved her but I thought with my homely physique it would never happen. And you tell me that she thought I wanted a pedigree. Honestly, if I were to judge by the mothers of your siblings, I think I have a weakness for women of low economic background. And I wasn't even rich then. My father had lost everything. All of it was regained by me. Waugh, Waugh! At least I know why your mother didn't say anything. She was probably afraid my family would bring out an army of lawyers to make sure they got custody of you. Lawyers for family guards are more terrifying than the guys who defend people who are guilty of war crimes.
-Still,both my parents are insecure idiots," said Ignatius with a disdain that made Oswald almost proud.
-That probably means you are too, my beautiful boy.
-No, I'm not going to be like yer two. I know am good enough to get wot I want.
-What do you want?
-To reign over an empire.
-Just that?" asked an amused Oswald.
-Yes, and I'll get it!" said Ignatius angrily.
-You have the will to, I give you that. In the meantime, time to go to sleep. You need strength for your future empire, Oswald said as he pulled Ignatius out of the bath before giving him a clean towel.
-I'm not bard wired.
-Boy, you've had a tough day, no, let me rephrase that, the last month has been tough. You need to sleep and in your bed. You think it's painful now? It's always worse on the second and third day and not to mention the risk of opening your stitches. So just tell me honestly what's wrong with your room? Is it too cold? Too hot? Are you allergic to pima cotton?

The child supports his look before finally saying:
-Can yer leave the door open?
-Why?
-Because I don't like dark and confined spaces.
-Are you scared of the dark?" asked Oswald.
-I'm not afraid of the dark! I love the dark! I just don't like it when it's in confined spaces!

It makes so much damn sense," Oswald realises. He always fell asleep in open spaces where he could see a light source. And not to mention how he and Ann were found. Spending the night with your mother's freshly murdered corpse in a small, confined alley leaves its mark.

-...Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?
-I'm not a baby.
-I know. Everyone has at least one stupid thing that gets under their skin.It's just yours. I know a doctor who loves helping people find it. In a horrific way but he hasn't found anything yet that wasn't valid in some way.
-What is yours?

He could lie or say he has nothing, but it's his son. He deserves some trust.

-The loss of control. It's a bit harder to define than yours but it requires my constant attention. And maybe I should have given you some," Oswald said, waving Ignatius forward to put on his pyjamas.-So what do you say you sleep in my room tonight and tomorrow I'll go buy you a night light?
-Okay.

*****

-Hey, I...
-The whole reason I let you in my bed was so you could sleep," said Oswald, already regretting his action.
-I just want know two things then I ll sleep, I promise.
-Sigh and what would you like to know?
-I'm going to meet my siblings?
-...Yes. I'll sort it out. They are younger than you, I don't know if you will have much fun with them yet.

Violet and Crystal would not dare to refuse. Both out of human decency and the fact that the rules of the guard were at his discretion. And now that he thinks about it.

-You have a sister Addison, her twin brother Aiden and another brother called Ethan. Oh, you have an aunt by marriage and a cousin. Also younger but closer to your age. You could meet them too if you like.
-We'll see. My other question: did yer kill arsemonger whore?
-If you swear again, I'll send you back to your room with a flashlight," Oswald said sternly.
-But she's dead?
-No. But she must wish she was.
-What did yer do?" asked Ignatius excitedly.
-It's too disturbing for your age, I'll tell you when you're older. Now go to sleep.
-Okay. Good night dad, Ignatius said as he tucked himself against his father's stomach.

Oswald surprises himself by not pushing away the child. Somehow, it feels...right.

-...Good night, son.

Many years later.

There were a knock at the private room of the Iceberge Lodge of the Penguin.

-Who wants to talk to me?" asked Oswald.
-It's just me, Dad," said Ignatius as he entered.
-What can I do for you?
-I'm here for my last present," his son said fiercely.
-Oh no, not that! No buyer's remorse! I asked you what you wanted and you said you just wanted to go and pick up a cargo in a nice warm place with your girlfriend and that was it ....
-And it was really fun. No, I'm talking about knowing what you did to arsemonger whore.
-Ignatius, you know what it means now, so stop calling her that! And why?

Oswald scolds him but to be perfectly honest, there is something endearing about hearing his elder son use his childish words and having his old accent come out for the occasion. Only Ignatius would have babies words like that.

-I am considered an adult everywhere on the planet now. I can drink, smoke, join the army, get married...
-Being tried as an adult.
-You can't use the argument that it's too disturbing for my age now," his son said with a small grim.
-You've been waiting for this for 14 years? asked the Penguin incredulously. -Oh, what the hell, all right. We're going to need alcohol though.

And the Penguin tells it all, leaving no detail out.

-You weren't kidding when you said it was disturbing," said Ignatius, looking slightly shocked.
-Parental instinct manifests itself in different ways and does not always appear immediately, says Owslad. -I guess that's the way mine manifested in the beginning. I wasn't exactly comfortable with any of you at first. Looking after you seemed complicated and I didn't think I had what it took. Then Rachel hurt you and...I don't think I had felt that way since one of my pet birds had been killed with a stone in front of me. And for the first time I knew what to do. I also learned one or two things a bit more common in childcare along the way.
-Congratulations on realizing that introducing your kids to seafood would go over better if you had them put in macaroni and cheese, says sarcastic Ignatius.
-I don't hear you complaining about the weapons training . Anyway, if you think what I did to Rachel was too much...
-Haha, nope! Serves her right," said Ignatius, raising his glass to toast with his father.

Chapter Text

-No, but did you see that? the woman complains.
-What?" asked her suddenly worried husband.

The woman pointed to a man with a pram talking to the hostess of the restaurant.

-Fucking breeder!
-It's not illegal, remarked the husband.
-This should be! Can't we eat in a nice quiet restaurant?
-It is not even in our section.
-These things scream loud and I have delicate hearing.
-We can ask to take away if you want...
-NO!

******

Oswald finished sitting Martin on the bench next to him when the waitress arrived.

-Morning Mr. Cobblepot, what will it be today?
-Good morning, Janes. I think I'll go with the caviar and uni crepe. Martin, my beautiful boy, do you want to explain to Janes what you want?

Martin began to sign proudly. The restaurant is good but Oswald had gained interest especially when he discovered that one of the waitresses spoke sign language. Yes, his son can understand what is being said to him but he is still a bit small to be able to write things more complicated than his name so having someone he can communicate with like this is welcome. The girl is a sweetheart and Oswald shows his appreciation in a generous tip.

-Perfect, I'll be back in a moment with your plates.
-Thank, my darling," said Oswald.

******

When Jane returned, the Penguin had picked up his child and seemed frustrated.

-Sorry, I didn't mean to be so long, says the waitress.
-Not at all but can you tell me what is going on here? The shouting?
-Oh, this? That's nothing.
-Darling, I also run a restaurant. I know the kind of theatricality that happens, so tell me: is it something serious like a forgotten allergy or does someone not want to pay their bill?
-The latter," sighed the waitress. -I'm really sorry, sir, she's always like that...
-Because this is not the first time?
-No, umm...The 4th time I've seen her do this...At least her reasons are different each time. The last time was because she wanted to pay only half of her meal because she wanted to pay for her spouse's birthday but since she had only eaten half of the repa, that was all she should pay according to her, laughed embarrassed the waitress.
-And the restaurant accepted this logic?" asked the Penguin with disgust.
-No but as it was a birthday meal for him so a guest paid for it instead of her.
-I see. Would it be too much to ask you to take this back and get it to go? I don't think I can enjoy the meal like that and if your establishment tolerates this kind of behaviour, it's their right.
-Off cours, sir.

******

-You should give us the free meal and also the meal for the next time as compensation for our horrible experience! the woman screamed.
-Madam, please calm down...
-Please, honey...tried her husband.
-No, they owe it to us after all the crying and screaming of this brat...
-Was there another child in the restaurant?

The woman turned to see the man with the pram preparing to leave.

-Typical! You can't raise your own damn kid so you let everyone else take care of it!

Oswald had a joyless smile before taking Martin from the pram saying:
-I can assure you that my son did not scream the whole time we were there.

The child is indeed surprisingly calm, clearly clinging to his father for protection but otherwise unflappable.

-Because your parasite is a perfect little angel?
-Because my son, as indicated on his medical bracelet, is mute," said Oswald, pointing to the jewellery. -But I also try to raise my children to behave well in good society. That's why my two and a half year old behaves better than some adults.
-Are you comparing me to your slowe brat? And anyone can buy a medical bracelet and...
-No, you can't. And I compare him to someone who has a temper tantrum, who screams and behaves rudely since we arrived and according to the staff, it is a routine.
-They are freaking liars! Are you going to let him talk to me like that? she asked her husband.

Because the man had either recognized the Penguin or at least the danger he represented, that seemed to be the case. Oswald glanced at the waitress and had a moment of pity. If their boss tolerates this, the girl might lose her job just to satisfy the customer.

-Miss, please give me their bill. That way they can leave and I make sure you get a tip, Oswald said as he placed his son back in the pram.
-I will bring it to you...
-I prefer to pay at the till.
-Sure, follow me.

The woman seemed satisfied and the man terrified.

-It is not necessary, said the man trying to run after him but his wife stopped him.
-What are you doing?
-This is the Penguin, what are you thinking?
-Pff! No, it's just a little fat guy with a monocle. The real Penguin has flipper hands.

*****

-There you go, Oswald said, handing them the bill. -Enjoy the day, who knows what tomorrow will bring? Perhaps the loss of your employees...
-Oh no, I am essential...
-Half a day a week, I'm sure they can find a replacement with a better attitude," says the dubious Penguin.
-I need my job, Mr. Cob...said the man in a pleading tone.
-Like all of us in this economy, says Penguin. -That reminds me, some buildings have had terrifying rent increases lately, they are asking double the original price. Particularly in the Burnley area.

The woman seemed to finally realise the mistake she had made while her husband tried to keep his composure.

-And in addition, you need to spend time with your family, continued the Penguin. -Some people manage to stay clean for years and yet one day they slip back into addiction.
-Not my bro...
-Or maybe something very disturbing will be found on your wife's computer and your sister will think that letting you see your nephew is a bad idea," continued the Penguin mercilessly.
-Is it really such a great loss...
-Shup up.
-I also want to apologise before I go," says the Penguin. -I have implied that some parents have brought up their progeny badly and even if this is true, speaking ill of the dead is in very bad taste.
-My parents are not...
-It's only been 5 minutes so maybe you haven't been warned yet. Really generous people, giving all their money to charity...
-What? But...
-You can try to contest it of course, but lawyers are expensive so without a job and a flat not to mention that the accident was suspicious...I strongly advise against it. Now,if you'll excuse me, I have a toddler to look after who, despite his good nature, is likely to become a bit temperamental as the poor kid hasn't eaten yet, Oswald said before leaving them.

******
-Hey, sorry I took so long my...

Martin was in the pram nibbling on a piece of bread.

-We're giving it away for free and he looked hungry," said the waitress.
-Did you say thank you to the lady?
-Janes says yes, the waitress assured as toddler nodded.
-Very good. Thanks again," Oswald said, handing his card to the waitress. -For you and Jane if you are looking for a better position. With a welcome bonus if you can defrock the cook.

Chapter Text

Addison was working at a table in the cafeteria when someone sat with her.

-Ethan, I told you unless you changed your mind about Aiden, I don't..., she said before looking up from her notes and realising it wasn't her little blonde brother bu a guy from her class that Addison knew by sight but nothing more.
-Oh sorry, Brian, is that right?
-Good morning, Addison. What are you doing?
-I'm waiting for my brother, he has remedial classes to do and I'm using the time to review the student council budget," said Addison suspiciously.
-On your own?
-Christophe got caught smoking in the bathroom, Claude did worse in the same bathroom, Anna-Maria decided to quit because it was too much stress for her, Sophie broke her leg falling down the stairs and Dylan just thinks it will look good on his college application and leaves the rest to me. Tell me exactly what you want," sighed Addison.
-I just wanted to check on you...
-My sister asked you a question, said Aiden, who had just joined them, threatening.
-How did it go?" asked Addison, ignoring Brian.
-Sigh...I think I'll apologize and ask Ethan for help. At least he puts it in terms that I understand.
-Are you sure?" asked her sister.
-It's either that or have mom and dad on my case. So, what do you want?" asked Aiden, turning to Brian who realized how much taller the teenager was than him.
-I...I wanted to ask you about your father's club.
-Which part?" asked Addison. -Because apart from the restaurant, you have to be of legal age for everything else.

Maybe he wants to bring someone to eat there. If he wants a discount, he can forget it, but honestly, if he just wants to see if it's possible to get a last minute reservation, they could objectively try. For a price.

-No...Uh, is it true that there are private rooms?

Oh fuck no! Addison thinks and she can hear her twin muttering the word fanboy.

-No, you forget about it right away," the girl replies. -The Icerberg is an establishment that respects the privacy of its customers and refuses the concept of a second class customer because of a criminal record!
-Also, it's not a zoo," added Aiden. -You can't just walk around and take selfies with them.

Okay, he's lying a bit: Harley probably wouldn't say no and Ed would probably stop in the middle of a crime to take a couple dozen pictures without hesitation. But beware of the one who tries it with a proffessor Pyg or Firefly.

-Most creatures in a zoo are probably less dangerous, Addison added.
-I just need you to do a message for me," Brian pleaded.
-We're not going to bother my dad's clients because you want an autograph or ask for Harley Quinn's old panties," Addison grumbled.
-Her panties?
-Seriously, at least once a week someone comes and asks for this or the shoes at one of the sirens," says Aiden. -My father says that we should not judge but...
-I just need a c or even a d lister. Or just a guy who works for any of them.
-Need?" asked Addison intrigued.
-Guys, everyone knows how your dad makes his money," says Brian. -He must know a lot of hitmen or just thugs who are willing to kill someone for $200.
-200 bucks?" says Aiden. -At this price, it's somewhere between a broken leg and a good kick in the balls...According to what I read on the internet," Aiden said hastily.
-You didn't really just ask us that?" said Addison.
-What's wrong with that? I don't know why you pretend that...

Addison pointed to something on the ceiling and Brian followed her finger.

-It is a private school for the cream of the crop in Gotham for generations. But it's still a school with surveillance cameras that come with it.
-It could be just for show...
-Nah, Wayne Industries provides them and upgrades them every year," says Addison. -Why do you even need a...cleaner?

Brian looked at Addison confused before Aiden told him:
-Who would you like to hire someone to clean up and get rid of superficial things?
-Oh...Uh my grandmother. The old bit...beloved. She needs help with everything but holding her purse strings. She is really cranky and refuses to give me more than $50 for my birthday. I don't know if yours...
-Our grandmothers died before we were born," says Aiden.
-Okay, you know what, Brian? I'll help you," says Addison.
-For real?
-Yeah, for real. The cleaners come in two categories: the professionals and those with a code. The professionals will do just about anything, except for the occasional flashy target: politicians and starlets mostly. Even babies in their beds when it's their parents who pay, it doesn't bother them. So don't think you can talk to them if something goes wrong. They and only they matter.Those with a code often start with a lack of options and cling to their standard like a drowning with a lifeboat. You can dialogue with them, you can even bargain with them. They are compassionate but beware of those who overindulge. If you tell them, I don't know: That grandma use to lend you to her bingo buddies to do unspeakable things to you and they discover that it was a nasty lie to get half price... You'll wish they'd just do the same thing to you as they did to Grandma rather than what they've got in store for you. Understand?
-I think so...
-Great, good luck with your research then," Addison said, patting his shoulder before picking up her things and motioning for Aiden to follow her.

-Do you think he'll do it?" asked Aiden once they were away from Brian and the camera.
-Not by himself and I doubt he can find a pro. Surely, he will end up hiring someone desperate who will leave evidence everywhere. After that, it's up to his lawyer and his funds. Hey, I have an idea.
-What is it?
-We could tell Ethan what Brian is up to and that he was stupid enough to talk about it on camera. Blackmail future material in exchange for helping you with your tutoring.
-Sounds like a good trade," says Aiden.

Chapter Text

-Ignatius, I can't do it," Ethan whined.
-I guess you're out then," says Addison.

Ethan looks like he's about to cry and Ignatius intervenes.

-It's a family affair, he stays, says the older boy. -Addison, get busy changing the toy cars plates and Ethan give the scissors to Aiden, we'll find you another job to do. Maybe you can prepare the drug bags? Ignatius says as he picks up sandwich bags and pixie sticks.
Ethan handed the action figure whose head he was trying to cut off with round-ended scissors to Aiden and took the objects given by Ignatius.
-Why, are you in charge?" asked Aiden.
-Because I am the one with the most experience," says Ignatius. -My mother works in the business too and I live full time with Dad. Now Aiden, finish cutting off G.I. Joe's head so we can declare a gang war with the barbies.
-You're going to need this," Addison said, handing him the red crayon.

Edward Nygma watched the children played, troubled.

-Are you enjoying the show?" asked the Penguin, amused.
-Oz! I'm just...
-It's all right, Eddie. I know you don't have a vile agenda. You can carry on.
-It's just so...
-Strange?
-Oh thank god, you understand.
-Of course I understand. Well, for different reasons. I'm not an only child like you, but my brothers never really played with except if you consider using me as a target to play dares.It's just fascinating to see them interact with each other," says Oswald fondly. -But anyway, it's going to be time.

Then he went into the room to say:
-I know you're having fun but I'm waiting for you to be at the dining roomin in 20 minutes to have supper with me and Edward.
-Daddy, why can't we eat here again?" asked Ethan.
-Because it's only when my friends like the Joker comes to improvise that you can," says Oswald. -Ed enjoys your company.

Translation: Ed is one of the rogues who will not disembowel any of Oswald's kids out of debit or boredom. Whose motives range from not hurting the children in general if they can avoid it, sincere friendship with Oswald or being aware that it would create a monster that will destroy everything they hold dear.

-You can continue your war game afterwards before you get ready for bed," said Oswald before leaving them.
-Panic room? asks the Riddler curiously, following him.
-The same model as the White House, says Oswald.

Chapter Text

-So how is it going?" asked Oswald.
-So far, so good," replied Ethan typing on his laptop. -I think we will be able to recover most of the data. Seriously, it was a pretty basic virus. Probably one of your customers asked one of his IT guys to do it. They don't seem to have targeted a particular video.
-They probably did not want to be identified. Could you...
-Track them down? No problem, just give me a moment.
-Take your time.
-Oh!" said a sudden high-pitched voice.

Ethan looked up to see one of his father's girlfriends who had just entered his private room at the Iceberg Lounge.

-Your boy looks just like you!

Father and son stare at her for a moment before the Penguin says:
-That's not very nice for Ethan.
-I mean with the monocle like you," said his girlfriend, looking worried that she had said the wrong thing.
-Ah, Ethan realized. -It's true that my eyewear looks a bit like a monocle.
-What do you need it for? continued the girlfriend.

Ethan turned to his father who signaled that he could speak.

-Someone damaged the lounge's computer tower. The guy who usually takes care of it is out of order so dad asked me to take a look.
-And he did a very good job under the circumstances," says Penguin.
-I have your address for the computer where the virus came from but for the file I will have to review it...
-I want the address but forget the second part!
-Why?
-Because the majority of blackmail material is for 18 years and older.
-Dad, I'm not a baby, I've already seen...
-Ethan, not only would your mother kill me, but these are pictures and videos of politicians. Whatever you imagine it to be, it is worse. Most of my colleagues have healthier romantic and sexual lives than what's in there.
-One of your colleagues is the Joker, Ethan noted.
-This includes him.

Ethan suddenly looked at the screen as if a shark was about to jump out of it.

-Yes, it's that bad. Now, give me the address, ask the kitchen to make you something to eat and go home, you have school tomorrow and I have work to do.
-It was sent from a Shreck company office, Ethan said.
-Good boy.

*******

Ethan went to the kitchens to get some food and thought about whether he wanted to set up in the dining room or in one of the private rooms (the perks of having your father in charge). Maybe he could go say hello to Cream Cheese (no other place to keep a polar bear than the Iceberg, his mother doesn't have the space for it and his father refuses to let it be at his place in case it would stress his birds).He was choosing when he heard a young redheaded waitress start to cry heavily. She was trying to clean her uniform.

-Are you okay?

The girl looked up to see the young blond man.

-Uh...No, sorry I...Just...customers who are buttholes.
-It seems to have been more than people complaining about the grilling of their steak.
-They're just... rough. They wanted to go in the private floors. I told them it was not possible. They weren't happy...One didn't like the beer he asked for so he placed it between my...

Ethan then understood where the stain on her uniform was coming from, starting at her cleavage and running down to her stomach and finally to her shorts.

-Spout first, Ethan realized.

The poor girl looks barely older than him.

Ethan's mother had been a waitress at the Iceberg Lounge. Let's skip the questionable details about the fact that his father had conceived him with one of his employees, his mother had always said that the Iceberg was not a bad place to work...by Gotham standards. Basically, bad things can still happen to you but you have a good salary, insurance and his father seems to care a little about the people that work for him. In Gotham, working for a crime lord is better than any customer service or fast food job and his father is one of the most stable and caring of the lot.

-Give me your tray.
-What? sniffed the waitress.
-I will replace you, just give me your tray, pen and pad. Which table?
- 44. Thank you," the waitress said as she handed him the items.
-It's a pleasure.

Luckily, Ethan still had his school uniform on (he had come straight without changing clothes). Without the jacket, it would pass.Ethan walked over to the table as a colleague joined the waitress.

-Hey, what are you doing? You're not here to hit on the boss' son!
-The boss'son?

****

-Good evening, my name is Ethan and I will be your server for the rest of the night.

The table where 4 men are sitting looks up at the teenager.

-Where is the girl? I thought this place had a reputation for having hot chicks, why did they send us a fairy?
-All our waitresses are busy so I thought as the owner's son, I'd lend a hand," Ethan said, putting a hand in his pocket.

*****

Oswald heard the phone ring.

-Are you okay, Pengy?
-Yes, Lulu, let me just see," he said as he picked up the phone and saw a text appear.

You're going to want to look at table 44.

Oswald turned to one of the security screens.

******

-Is this your father's club?" the group leader asked dismissively.
-Yes. And I understand you have a problem...
-Yeah, I got one! I'd like to know why you leave us with the peasants?
-Given that we offer bottles of wine on the menu that are worth more than $1000, I don't think the word peasants is appropriate. If the restaurant and bar is not for you, I can guide you to the casino upstairs or the nightclub. It's still a little early for the latter but it should start filling up in an hour, Ethan says, looking at his watch.
-Don't play the r*****, you know what I mean!
-...Look, if you're there for something stronger than alcohol, just drop by the nightclub to show some good faith. We have mic detectors but once you're in, we have private rooms where you can pick your poison. If it's company you want, I can take you to the brothel. But if you haven't booked in advance, it's first come, first served. Also, each professional has their own menu with the services they offer and those they refuse, no exceptions. We take cash and debit card, Ethan said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.
-You think I need to pay for it? My face isn't fucked up like your dad's, laughs the man.
-And who are you to make us regret your absence from our establishment?
-Paris Franz, he says proudly.

Ok, he knows people named Edward Nygma, Harleen Quinzel, Margaret Pye and Maximilian Zeus....But this is too much even for Gotham!

-You kill people with a baguette?
-What did you just say? Paris asked angrily.
-...I will need to see an ID card please.

Paris handed him an ID card.

-Perry Francesco?
-I prefer my alias but yes, my uncle is the Don Francesco, the most dangerous crime lord of Gotham.

Bullshit, Ethan thought. There were always wars for dominance in the underworld of Gotham and if his father had to give up his place for a short time, it was against guys like Black Mask or the White Shark. But he must recognize that the name Francesco seems familiar to him.

-So you're going to let me in, birdbrain?
-Depends, what makes you think you have the right to hang out in the same places as people like Two Faces, Scarface, Joker or Alexandra Kosova?

Paris had a small satisfied smile and Ethan heard his companions laughing.

-I'm sure none of them have ever had Batgirl.
-Has Batgirl?
-You know what I mean. Or maybe not. After I immobilized her, it gave her the hots for it.
-You say you raped Batgirl?" Ethan asked coldly.
-Nah, she loved it.
-... Which one was it?
-What?
-Batgirl, which one was it?" continued Ethan coldly. -The redhead, the brunette or the blonde?
-The redhead, of course! answered Paris.

Ethan then began to laugh before saying under the stunned looks of the men:
-You are full of crap or delusional to the last level! It's been years since anyone has seen the redhead. Here, this is the closest you'll get to the private club, Ethan says as he places a cocktail menu at theme of gotham's rogues in front of Paris. - And don't worry, there are several look-a-like in the brothel that can roleplay any member of the bat club. But it's pretty expensive.

Ethan wanted to leave but Paris grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. Hm, maybe it was time to test his...

-Can I know what's going on?

The Penguin was standing in front of them, dressed in evening clothes and holding an umbrella.

-Dad?

Paris looks at the man and begins to laugh, finally letting go of Ethan's collar.

-Damn, the only thing missing is the flippers!

Two of Paris' companions join him in his laughter but the last one remains mute. He is probably the smart one of the group. He tried to stand up but Ethan blocked him with a chair.

-Paris Franz, I presume?
-The one and only!
-Thank God for that. You're Carlos's nephew, right?
-Don Francesco!
-Yes, we are talking about the same man, Carlos Francesco. You know your uncle's first name, I hope?
-Yes.
-Good. You know what? I think he and I should work it out," says the Penguin, pulling out his cell phone.

Francesco eventually answered.

-Good evening, Carlos? Yeah, it's Oz. I am calling you because of a slight inconvenience. Your nephew Paris Franz. In fact, I am quite surprised by the name. I remember when you and I started out, we had people like Dr. Tzin-Tzin but I didn't think it was still acceptable today. Maybe because it's European? Anyway, that's not the point. Your nephew and his companions have been very disrespectful in my establishment.Yes, precisely. It seemed the polite thing to do. Yes, of course. No, I don't want there to be any discomfort between us....You know me well. So, that settles it then. Just call my secretary so we know the time and place for the flowers. Goodbye, Carlos, says hi from me to your wife and your mistress ," concludes the Penguin, hanging on.

-Well, me and your uncle have made an agreement," said the Penguin at Paris.

Oswald saw out of the corner of his eye Ethan bend down slightly but kept his grip on the chair.

-It's about time! You better offer us all the drinks we want...

The bullet penetrates Paris' throat and he collapses, beginning to choke on his own blood. These three companions only get the compassion to be killed quickly by a bullet to the head.

-Ethan?
-I'm fine. But I think my uniform needs to go in the washing, said the teenager, looking at the little red spots on his blouse.
-We'll get Olga to clean it for you when we get home. Sigh...Look at this mess," grunted the Penguin. -The cleaning team needs to take care of it as soon as possible! They already have to change Tiny's tank as well.
-Why?
-One of his idiots poured his ashtray into the aquarium. I don't want him to swallow any. Do you know how much a shark stomach enema costs?
-Probably not nearly enough. You can probably at least give Tiny what's left of them, it will calm him down.
-Not Paris. I promised his uncle that he would have something to bury, preferably presentable. That said...maybe we could give two to Tiny and chop up the third for Cream Cheese.
-I don't think it makes a difference to him," says Ethan.
-That'll make one for the waitress," says the amused Penguin.
-I didn't do this to...
-Of course not, unlike some people," said Oswald, looking at the corpse on the ground. -I raised all my boys to be perfect gentlemen. All I'm saying is that you can take her to see, feed and maybe pet a polar bear to cheer her up. What happens next is entirely up to you two so don't be stupid.
-I wouldn't be!
-So is that a yes?

Chapter Text

-What would make you happy, moy dorogoy ? asked Olga.
-I like everything you cook, Olga," says Ignatius.
-Little ass-kisser," Oswald scoffed.
-You know what, Olga? Anything that will please my father's baby mamas enough to forget for a moment that they want to give him a vasictome without anaesthesia," Ignatius replied.
-It's called a vasectomy, Ignatius... How do you even know what it is?
-Mum threatened the landlord to do it to him with a razor when he said he could fix the boiler room if she came into the toilet with him.
-That sounds like her," said Oswald, looking a little blue.
-You should stay with naughty girls instead of chasing nice girls.
-You know that I only keep you because you're surprisingly good for someone who swears she has no murders to her credit for clean up after it and that my son decided you were his security blanket?
-Do you hear that?" said Ignatius clinging to the maid. -You have the security of employment until I die, isn't that great?

******

Oswald is beginning to regret this. It went well with Ignatius but he was older than the others too. He hadn't seen them since literally the day they were born.
The discussion to explain to Violet and Crystal that he now wanted to have a more active parenting role than sending a cheque every month was fun too.

-Why do you want to see them now?" asked Violet coldly.
-Because I want to know them," replied the Penguin. -I have no problem taking it slow. We'll start with visits to my house once in a while and see how it goes from there. You'll still have majority custody, I just want them to know who their daddy is. Also, I'm not sure how to say this tactfully and given your feelings towards me, I don't think it's going to change much so I'm going for it: I have more....
-I know Crystal and Ethan.

Okay, he didn't see that one coming.

-How do you...
-Once, we received each other's check. No worries, we meet in person to exchange. She is absolutely lovely.
Oswald is waiting for the next move: she was your employee, she was 22 years old with daddy issues, her son is 18 months younger than my kids.
-You could have been a little nicer with her.
-I didn't know she'd catch feelings.
-You have charm when you want it, it can do more damage than a pretty face. So if your question was do I have a problem with Crystal, the answer is no. We've even been out together with the kids.
-That's half the question actually.There is one more child to count...
-Oswald...
-It was before you and Crystal, long before in fact even though I only discovered this a few months ago. Due to the death of his mother and his lack of immediate family, I have had custody of my old son and have been looking after him for several months. It's going pretty well and he wants to meet his siblings.
-May I ask what happened to his mother?

Translation: Did you kill Ann to punish her for not telling you that you have a son together?

Oswald forces himself to remain calm and answers:
-She died in an incident with which I had no connection. And I understand that you may have doubts given some of my history but I have evidence to exonerate myself.
-I'm waiting.
-The boy was with her when it happened. Do you think I'd make one of my kids watch his mother die in a dirty alley?

He wanted to marry this woman so he was a little more honest about one or two things. Not about his work or the fact that for him revenge is a dish best served cold, hot or with a side of misery but on other matters he was honest. Like how his mother's death had affected him.

-I am not going to ask what happened to the aggressor.
-Good. Otherwise, I have another detail you should know. Ignatius, that's his name, he's ...a bit cautious. Just don't take it the wrong way if he gets a little feral with you and Crystal.
-Don't worry, I'll respect his boundaries.
-Thank.

****

-You made a mess of my hair," complains Ignatius.
-It's only fair, you're messing up my life," Oswald retorted. -So remember, all we ask is that you be polite.
-And not kicking the babies in the head," Ignatius retorted.
-You laugh but there are people who really need to be told that.
-Who?
-Your late Uncle William, for example.
-I'm going to be better to Addison, Aiden and Ethan than your brothers with you," says Ignatius.
-It's not a very high bar but I appreciate it," says Oswald. -Why don't you go and get the presents while I finish installing the rest?

****

The two arrive together (and Oswald suddenly wonders if they are read les Diaboliques). Violet holds a toddler in each hand and Oswald is surprised to see that the two are already easy to tell apart. The boy takes after his mother while the girl takes after him. Sorry baby, if he could have avoided that you are his nose, he would. Crystal holds a baby as blond as her. He looks calm, observing everything around him. For his part, Oswald has Ignatius holding his jacket which is a first. He doesn't mind, it's flattering in a way that he trusts him. But it's also like watching a guard dog whine. If he is not comfortable, how can you be? Well, it's time to take the plunge.

-Hey, you've all grown up since I last saw you. I am your father and this is your older brother, Ignatius here.
-Day's Dawning.

Addison and Aiden look at him confused before turning to their mother.

-It's all right, one more brother to play with is good, right? says Violet.
-I'm super happy that my little Ethan has an extra big sibling," says Crystal.
-Maybe they want to come to the Grand Salon, Dad bought a lot of stuff for them," says Ignatius.

*****

-Whoa!" said Crystal, looking at the toys. -Is this from Shreck?
-It seemed like a good middle ground to me," said Oswald. -Better quality but if they are a bit tough with it, it's not so dramatic.
-You didn't have to buy all this stuff," says Violet.
-One does not catch flies with vinegar, Oswald replied. -I mean, I say that but I don't even know if they like it or not.
-For mine, it's easy classic toys for girls and boys ...and you let them exchange. I hope that won't be a problem.
-Half the men I know wear make-up and the best bodyguards I ever had were all women. I can live with a girl who wants to play with a sword and a boy with a kitchenette.

But not toys that make noise. Sorry girls, but you'll be taking this home with you.

-Do you want to hold Ethan, Ig?" asked Crystal to Ignatius.

Ignatius looks hesitantly at the baby.

-Okay.
-Don't worry, I'll show you how," says Crystal.

Ignatius looks at his father hoping for a comment that he is too young, immature or deathly allergic to baby drool but nothing comes.

-Here you go. I think he likes you.

Cute blond kids and the mother way too young... It almost looks like an ad for orange juice or the NRA. Ignatius seems hesitant but not because of the baby (Ethan seems to legitimately like him). Oswald then realizes the problem.

-Crystal? Take Ethan back, please.
-Come on, Oz, Ig is doing it right.
-That's not the point, I think it's too much effort for his arm.
-I'm fine, he's not heavy!

Now he doesn't want to let go of his little brother. Thank God for Crystal's training in calming people down without hurting their feelings (seriously, no difference between a drunk and a tired child).

-I'm going to have to feed him anyway," said Crystal, taking Ethan back. -You could play with Addy and Aiden while take care of him.
-What happened to his arm?" asked Violet.
-He told me not to touch his umbrellas but I didn't listen and I got hurt. It's okay, I just have a cool scar now.

Oswald doesn't know if he is touched by his son's lie or terrified of how well he lies. He will make him a small umbrella as a thank you anyway. Not with a model with a gun or a blade in it but the model with the shield and adding an electric weapon or pepper spray could be nice especially with school beginning.

-He just has to be careful not to open the stitches. And it's on me. I forgot that when you tell a child not to do something, it only makes them want to disobey more.
-Besides, I'd like to talk about this with you if possible," says Violet.
-No problem, we can... Crystal, what are you doing?
-I'm feeding our son?
-Can you please go to another room?
-I'm not going to take him into the bathroom. Would you eat in the bathroom?
-I said another room: a bedroom, another living room, the boudoir, the dining room as you want a proper place to eat!
-Why do you care? Crystal insisted.

Oswald showed the children playing on the floor.

-If it is for the sake of our children, I think they're more interested in the toys you gave them," said Violet.
-I don't mind either," says Ignatius.
-Of course you don't...
-She has a blanket to cover herself. Half of your girlfriends show a lot more of their baby food dispenser.

Oswald was humiliated many times in his childhood and his teenage years. It gave him a thick skin. But his bas...adorable little accident just scratched it.

-I'm going to start calling them that," says Crystal amused.
-Oswald, ask Violet.
-It's summer, of course there's more skin visible and he's exaggerating...
-Non, I just would like to discuss how we are going to raise them. I would like to avoid that they have to deal with different parenting styles conflicting, explained the brunette.
-Ah, I suppose you can do that, in effect.

The kids were busy playing (quite adorable to see Ignatius having fun with the twins) and Ethan is still enjoying his lunch so they can probably talk about it now.

-So what exactly do you want?" asked Violet.
-For a start, stop treating me like an enemy," Oswald said in frustration. -I'm trying to do the right thing, for goodness sake.
-Ozzy.

He looked back at Crystal, whom he could see even under the blanket, had tightened her grip on their son.

- I try to be positive but it's hard knowing that if you want, you can take my baby, Violet's twins and we will never see them again. I've seen you bend judges over things that were much harder for you to do when you were less motivated.
-I wouldn't," Oswald assured.

Oswald was not even insulted by the remark. She's right, if he wants, he can call one of the judges he holds by the family jewels and have sole custody of his children without ever being worried by CPS no matter how he would treat them.

-There's also something else," says Crystal. -If you are serious, then you must be invested. You can't play parent for six months and then decide it's not for you and go back to sending a check to every month.
-Do you feel the same? Oswald asked Violet.
-As much as I think my children have a right to know who their father is, I'm not so keen on having them raised by a by a crime lord. But my hands are tied so.
-Oh, please, I'm no more terrible than the people who get rich on sweatshops with 6 year old employees, sell oxycodone saying it will help their headaches or 95% of politicians! And...I would be honest with them. We'll go gradually of course but I don't want them to have a nasty surprise in ten years.
-Really?
-Ignatius knows and has no problem with it.
-What? Violet asked in shock.
-Well, his mother was in the same line of work as I was, even though she was a single mother, so she wasn't on the same level...
-Why do women always have to balance career and motherhood and not man? Crystal complains while Violet wonders what kind of alternate reality Gotham was in.
-Man or woman, I think I'm probably one of the few, if not the only one, with children in my circle," says Oswald. -But there is some truth to it, Selina and Pamela have to work really hard to be talked about and still, half the people still refer to Ivy as the assistant to the Floronic man.
-It's surprisingly informative but can we get back to the point?" asked Violet.

*****

Ignatius watched his father and the mothers of his siblings talk and decided that the moment was perfect.

-All right, try to repeat after me: Fuck.
-Fork? try Aiden.
-No, fuck. Try again, it is okay.
-Fuck! shouted Addison.
-Well done but not so loud," said Ignatius, glancing at the adults before giving them each a sweet. -Let's try a new one.

*****

-I would appreciate it if it were possible to respect my children's eating habits," says Violet. -You, Ethan and Ignatius don't have to do this, of course.
-No problem," said Oswald. -But if at 15 they decide they want to eat bacon at brunch, I'm not going to fight them on that.
-Of course, says Violet. -Same thing with poultry?
-Exactly, it will never touch my lips, but I don't have a problem with it being served at the Lodge," said Oswald.
-Ozzy," asked Crystal. -For your friends, can we choose who they interact with? I mean, I like Mr. Nygma and Miss Kyle but I'm not so sure about Mr. Jo...
-I'll stop you right there," said Oswald. -They never have to come into direct contact with them. Maybe one day I won't have a choice but I'm perfectly comfortable delaying it as long as possible and most of them wouldn't even be insulted. The majority of my colleagues have been left to the mercy of people to whom you should not even be leave with Komodo dragon unattended with them. And for the rest, I will simply flatter their egos. On the other hand...

There's no turning back now, Oswald thought.

-I have a favour to ask of both of you," said Oswald. -I've done a lot of thinking and even with the best lawyers, it would be unwise of me not to have my stuff in place if I have to go back to prison for a little while. Of course, I have a sister-in-law who herself has a son a little younger than Ignatius...
-You have a sister-in-law and a nephew? We were going to get married! How come I'm learning this now?
-Why don't you want Ethan to meet my nephews but yours is okay?
-Perhaps I was a little suspicious of the kind of woman who would marry Robert?
-Oswald," said Violet more gently. -I know by why your brothers put you through it but it's not...
-It's fine, you don't have to cuddle me on this," said Oswald. -She is a lovely woman who deserves better and if I started to see my nephew at the beginning for Ignatius, Joshua has grown on me. And Crystal, when your brother manages to stay clean, your sister comes out of her cult and your mother stops scouring the sexual predators register for her next boyfriend, we'll talk about it. Finally, what I wanted to ask you was if I had to go back to prison for a few months because of an unfortunate incident, would any of you be willing to let Ignatius live with you? I preferred him to be with his siblings and he wouldn't have pretended to be ignorant of the situation. You will have the money for him and I will be very clear that he had better behave well with you.
-Count on us," Violet said without hesitation.
-I expected more resistance," said a surprised Oswald.
-He's my children's brother," says Violet in outrage. -And I don't think that another influence can harm him.
-Please do, Oswald said vaguely amused.

The boy may have his mother's angelic face, but he remains the fruit of the passions of two twisted youngsters who found comfort and understanding in each other's arms.

-I want to as well," says Crystal. -But I'd like to know how managed him besides the : wait until your father get out of jail.
-Trust me, he doesn't want me to have three months to think about how to punish him.
-Oh, I think someone's finished eating," says Crystal, pulling the baby out from under the blanket. -Oh, I need a towel to burp him. Hold him for me," Crystal said as she placed the baby in Oswald's arms.
-Crys...
-One minute!

Oswald found himself with a baby in his arms, looking at him confused.

-Hi Ethan, you probably don't remember me but I'm your dad. Please don't cry," Oswald said, speaking in the calmest voice he could manage.

Ethan stared at him for a moment before make themselves comfortable into Oswald's arms to sleep. Aw, he's really cute that one too with hair like feathers.

-It's padded so you might as well taken advantage of it, my beautiful boy, said Oswald, deciding to enjoy the moment beford noticing the baby drooling on his blouse. -Oh, no,no, is Chinese silk...
-Do you want me to take him? proposes Violet.
-Impossible, unfortunately," said Oswald.
-Crystal is not going to...
-I can't," Oswald said with a tone that implied more than he didn't want.

Violet smiled, a little wistfully: in another life she might have woken up in the middle of the night with Oswald holding Addison, Aiden or even both in his arms in the same way.
A life where there were no corpses wherever Oswald went.

*****

Crystal hears the twins laughing as they play with Ignatius. Oh, she can't wait until Ethan is old enough to play with them. As she took the towel from her bag, she heard him:
-Shit! said the twins in chorus.
-Well done, says Ignatius. -Sweets for everyone...
-What are you doing?" said Crystal sternly.

The child is startled but quickly recovers:
-Nothing that concerns you.
-If you're learning naughty words to younger siblings it concerns me.
-I'm not your baby, I don't have to answer to you.
-No, but I can go find Oz and see what he thinks of your behavior.

Ignatius gasped in surprise and Crystal felt stupid. The boy has lost his mother and must share his father with three younger siblings. It's a cry for attention.

-Ig, listen, I just want you to understand that's not a nice thing to do," says Crystal.
-Spend the night with your boss either.
-Ignatius Edward Ogilvy Cobbelpot!

Ethan, awakened by his father's screams, began to cry. And the twins seemed ready to follow his example.

-For God's sake," Oswald growled.
-Come to Mommy," Crystal said, picking up her son from Oswald.
-What happened?" asked Violet as she approached the twins.
-Nothing serious," Crystal said quickly while trying to calm Ethan who continued to cry.
-I have a different opinion about how he referred to you," said Oswald, looking at his son.
-Addison, Aiden, what happened? Violet asked softly.
-New word, says Addison.
-Candy! says Aiden.
-That's good, darlings, continued Violet. -Can you tell me what words Ignatius taught you?
-Fuck! Shit! Berk!

Oswald's expression changed and Ignatius knew he was in trouble.

-What was the last one?" asked Oswald.
-I think yuck in French is the least worst of the lot, Violet said with a sigh.
-Berk is not yuck in French, says Oswald before turning his attention to his eldest son -Teaching your cadets swear words wasn't enough? You had to take the mother of all insults? Oswald said, trying to control his anger.
-It's not so bad in England," Ignatius argued.
-What does that mean exactly?" asked Violet.
-It's a cockney slang to refer to a part of the female anatomy whose name begins with C," explained Oswald.

A disgusting noise was heard and Oswald turned to see Crystal with vomit on her.

-Ozzy, can I borrow one of your bathrooms? I'll have to wash Ethan and maybe myself too. Maybe lay him down somewhere too, I think all this was hard on him.
-Whoa, Americans are really sensitive to that word," said a disturbed Ignatius.

He seems to show concern for someone other than himself.
A bit late for that, thinks Oswald.

-He's going to be okay, it's just cramps and all the noise has tired him out, Crystal says as she cradles Ethan who continues to cry.
-You know the place, take the bathroom and the room of your choice, says Oswald. -And you, I was very clear about what would happen to you, young man, if I heard that kind of language, Oswald said, grabbing the back of the shirt of Ignatius to drag him out of the room.
-What are you going to do?" asked Violet.
-Discipline him in private?
-And what does it involve?
-What do you imply?

Violet does not respond and Oswald suddenly realises what she fears.

-Ignatius, go sit in the corner, I have to talk to Violet.

Ignatius grumbles but obeys.

-Crystal, please ask Olga to watch the children while you look after Ethan.
-Right away, Ozzy," says Crystal.
-Are you coming?" Oswald asked Violet.

******

-So, out of curiosity, do you think I was going to beat him until he is black and blue or let him get away with it? I just curious to know what kind of a dick you think I am, asked Oswald, lighting a cigarette.
-Do you think it's a good idea?" asked Violet.
-I don't smoke when there are children in the room with me.

His own, at least.

-It could give you ten more years with them if you're serious about being in their lives. And my thinking was more complicated than that.
-Meaning?
-Some people repeat the abuse they have experienced because they think it is normal. Some remember how horrible it was and don't repeat it. But the most common thing is to just repeat it on a smaller scale. How can a parent who thinks that hitting a child just with his hands is acceptable because he doesn't hit him with an object for example...
-Or thinking that it's more humane to give them an ice-cold shower in the house than to do it with a hose outside in the middle of winter?
-Oswald, Violet said in horror and the Penguin felt compelled to reassure her.
-Don't worry, I'm very resistant to the cold. But then, I don't really want to find out if the kids get that from me. But all right, it's a legitimate concern," says Oswald.
-You're taking this well," says Violet.
-I don't exactly need to read the statics when I've seen it with my own eyes. And I have a weakness for mothers who protect their children, I can't be angry with them.
Oswald sighed before saying:
-I wouldn't hit them," Oswald assured. -I have a temper, I know that and believe me, sometimes Ignatius really tries to bring it out. It's not easy but I try really hard to remember a kid who just really needed a little patience and affection a long time ago. But there's one thing I think is worse than raising your hand for me and that's humiliation.
-Humiliation, you say?
-He gets punished, it's not pleasant and I know he acts like a a 50-year-old bartender who has seen it all with systemic hypoplasia ...But it's just an air he gives himself. He's just a little boy and I think it's twisted to make a punishment a show for the public. Okay, let me give you an example: if someone at work is late with their payments, has sold me shoddy merchandise, or has been disrespectful but I like them, I'll just ask that they be pushed around a bit. It's going to be unpleasant, it's going to be scary, it's going to be painful but that's it. It's just between me and them. If I really don't like them though...I'm going to make their spouses, kids or even their old mother watch. I won't just make them get a few broken bones or lose their jobs, I'll make them lick the floor and beg for my forgiveness. I'm going to take their dignity and slap them with it. They're going to be less of a person, less than an animal, just an object that should be grateful not to be put to the most abject use by my compassion.
-You're so screwed up," Violet muttered.
-But I do this to adults. Not my child. Yeah, show your kid that he's nothing, that you can do whatever you want to him and everyone's reaction will range from embara to the second degree to evivent pleasure at his suffering. Look, his younger sibblings are in the room, the last thing he wants is to look like a baby in front of them. Maybe I can explain to him that given what we have planned for him, you just want to know how it goes. If you still agree?
-He taught his siblings some bad words, not trying to smother them with a pillow, Violet sighed. -I think I can handle that.

********

-Ignatius?
-What?" asked the child.

He was still sitting in the corner, sulking and trying his best to ignore the twins pulling at his clothes and getting his attention by screaming the new words that he had taught them.

-Addison, Aiden, stop it!
-But mama...
-No buts," says Violet, picking them up. -We will also have a discussion about this words and why you can't use them.
-Well, it's about time," said Oswald as Olga returned with Ethan asleep in her arms.
-I help Miss Crystal to find clothes for after her bath, says Olga.
-She's taking a bath?" asked a shocked Oswald.
-She had puke in her hair,retorted the maid. -But not you worried, I take care of solntse, says Olga installing with the baby.
-Good, don't let them kill each other now," said Oswald. -And you, Ignatius, are coming with us.
-Us?
-Violet and myself.
-The lady likes to watch? asked Ignatius mockingly. -Do I at least get paid for it?
-Despite your despicable behaviour, she's still afraid I'll be too severe with you," said Oswald, grabbing his wrist. -Now let's stop postponing the inevitable.

*****

-Go and sit down," said Oswald, pointing to the kitchen table.
-No," said the child.
-Sigh...Ignatius Edward Ogilvy Cobblepot, you can do that or you can deal with worse. Which do you prefer?

Ignatius sat down at the table. Oswald took out a bottle of yellow liquid and a shot glass. He filled the glass and placed it in front of Ignatius.

-Any time you want, Oswald said.
-What did you just give him? Violet demanded to know.
-Just cod liver oil. The taste is horrible but it can't hurt him if it is of good quality, he is not pregnant and I do not make him swallow the whole bottle. It is a better alternative to soap.
-What is the worst?
-Depends on the crime," says Oswald. -Here, I think that losing the right to salt and other condiments in his meals until he takes his oil would be adequate. His record is three days.
-Can she leave now that she's sure you won't beat me up? Ignatius asked.
-It is a request born of concern, Ignatius.

Violet clearly sees him rolling his eyes (not sure if it's the idea that she's worried about him or the idea that his father would be too harsh).

- Bottoms up now," said Oswald.

Ignatius looked at the glass in horror but brought it to his lips and swallowed. Ignatius winced and pressed his hands against his mouth to keep from spitting out. Oswald sighed but took a paper towel for the child to wipe what had dripped from his lips.

-I hope this is the last time I have to do this with you. Now, do you want to go back to playing with your siblings or go to your room...

Ignatius got up from the table and rushed in the opposite direction of the main living room.

-His room. I know it sounds rude but I try to let him choose afterwards. Some people want to be comforted, others need space. He will eventually calm down and probably come out when it is time to eat. The child can react strongly when he is insecure and hurt.
-That reminds me of someone," says Violet. -Maybe he lacks attention with the little ones here.
-No, he wanted to meet them. It was with...

And then Oswald realizes the problem.

*******

-Ignatius," said Oswald as he entered the room.
-What?" asked his son, reading on his bed.
-Are you ready to come back and be civil?
-Sure, Ignatius said without looking up from his book.
-Great, but next time you can ask me straight out if you need reassurance.
-What are you talking about?" said Ignatius with a bored expression.

Ignatius often acts older than his age. On the rare occasions when he acts like a child of his age, the situation is critical. Forget the red sky and the rain of blood, Oswald will worry when Ignatius cries out for him in public.

-You test the ground. To see if I would still intervene even if the person who hurt you was the mother of one of my other children or if Violet and Crystal were no different from Rachel.
-Okay, what dumb parenting book have you read? It's just nonsense that can excuse anything and everything!
-Enough to tell me that someone may have overheard my discussion about transferring custody should the worst happen," says Oswald.

Ignatius does not answer and simply shrugs his shoulders. The fact that he avoids his eyes, however, says it all.

-Look, I don't want to think about it any more than you do, but I've already had several close calls and even without being so dramatic, returning to prison remains a possibility. So the options for you would be Violet, Crystal or your Aunt Miranda. You don't have to decide who you like best, you can move between them.
-Why do you just leave me in Olga's care?
-Because either way, it's stupid. I don't trust her to manage my assets and I have doubts about the disciplinary skills of someone who can be fired by his ward. You're not going to grow up to be a spoiled man-child who spends his day wasting time and money like Bruce Wayne!
-Is he not related to the Kanes?
-Yes, Martha Wayne had four brothers and none of them even attempted to challenge the will. I don't know what it says about them or him. Sigh...Look, I think I've made it clear that I would step in if anything bad were to happen. Tell me honestly, was Violet or Crystal mean to you when I wasn't looking?
-No, Ignatius said reluctantly.
-So give they a chance," said Oswald. -They and I will settle down to agree on how we raise you all during the supper.
-Did you put me at the children's table, you sadist?
-Insult me again and you will be there until you reach your majority.

*****

-So what exactly were you thinking, Ozzy?" asked Crystal. -Because I want Ethan to see you but he's still very little and I'm still breastfeeding him so I'm not sure about him spending the night at your place.
-I want to take it easy myself. I can take care of Ignatius but he is older and I only have him to look after. Two toddlers and a baby on top of that...I mean nannies exist for a reason but I would like to have time with them. Try to see them from time to time until they feel comfortable with me and after that, I don't know... It's every other weekend for the father in general, right?
-It could work," says Violet. -I would be more comfortable with supervised visits to start. Can we agree on the rules together?
-What do you mean?" asked the Penguin suspiciously.
-It can get a little chaotic if there are things that one prohibits and the other does not. Or how we punish some behavior or reward others. I don't know if I will correct the language of Ignatius like you do, but this is not abusive.
-You didn't make him drink hot sauce, did you?" asked Crystal.
-Don't worry about it. I don't want to treat them like snitches in prison. And soap is toxic, I know that from experience.
-Good, my mom used to make me drink it when she thought I was lying about her boyfriend doing stuff to me.
-What? Violet asked.
-Oh don't worry, he's dead. Thanks again Ozzy. You, your parents use soap?
-No, my mother gave me the benefit of the doubt and my father the first heavy object in his hand. But I had to swallow a bottle of soap several times to avoid a little bully I had PE class in 6th grade. Better to vomit for a few hours than piss blood for the rest of the week.

There is something in Violet that cracks at this point. Because Crystal is just a sweet girl who doesn't know any better and Oswald once was a little boy who needed help before he turns into a monster to survive.

-...What are you doing? Oswald asks, surprised but also interested.
-I empathize, you are the parents of my children or the brothers of my children and no matter what choices you made that followed, what happened to you was not right," Violet said as she continued to hug the two.
-She is so sweet, I understand why you wanted to marry her, Ozzy!

Most people would say that with envy, sarcasm or to hide their feelings. Not Crystal, this girl doesn't have a bad bone in her body. The same goes for Violet, compassionate to all but maintaining moral rectitude. He chooses the mothers of his children well. Even Ann, the naughty one as Olga calls her. A trusty partner and a mother who had protected her child until her last breath.

-I agree, even sick freaks get hugs if they have a sad enough story," scoffed the Penguin.
-Only if I have to be cordial with them for the next 16 years, Violet says. -And beware if he raises his hand on one of my children or their brothers.
-You have my promise," said Oswald. -As much as I believe there is a difference between hitting your baby to wake you up in the middle of the night with a stick and giving a smack to a twelve year old throwing firecrackers at cats, I have no particular desire to use corporal punishment on my children. And mental torture is so much more effective.
-I think we're going to need an example," says Crystal.
-Well, someone decided to steal my lighter to play with. And since he's not mature enough to understand that playing with fire is dangerous, I decided he wasn't mature enough for Scorcese ou Hammer. So all he's looking at now is Veggietales. Either he learns his lesson or he gets stuck reading the books that inspired the movies. Either way, I'm fine with it.
-That would be impressive at his age," says Crystal.
-It's better to be the cookbook, Violet grumbled.
-We'll see," said Oswald. -But while we're on the subject, I have something important to tell you.

The two women gave him worried looks and Oswald wasn't sure how they would react when they heard what was coming:
-Look, you know how I make my living and I've had close calls many times before. If the worst comes to the worst, I have a safe with passports and documents with false names, money and a trusted pilot who can get you out of the country.
-Is that Roxy?" asked Crystal.
-Of course. She is fearless and the best at what she does," says Oswald.
-Oswald, I may not like your methods but thank you for this, says Violet.

The three of them know too well what kind of world they live in: Cold and ruthless. Oswald lets his gaze slide to the corner of the table where they have placed the children. The three youngsters probably have as much food in their stomachs as they have put on the ground and their person. Ignatius surprisingly seems more amused than disgusted. Oswald assumes that he is taking advantage of this to get dirty too. They are in good hands, he and the girls will take care of them until they are ready to be at the top of the food chain.

-We will take care of our little creche.

Chapter Text

Martin is supposed to play in his room with his nanny . Daddy has a meeting with his colleagues. They are not supposed to disturb him when his colleagues are there. But Martin is curious. They're not dressed like businessmen and businesswomen. Their outfits are odd and colorful. Most of them smell like chemicals and wear masks. They intrigue him. Even his father seems to play along when they are there. His father always dresses well but his clothes when they are there are different. Still tuxedos but like the ones in the old movies or the novels Ethan reads.

Ethan, Addison and Aiden are not always at home unlike him and Ignatius. They are at their moms' house. He and Ignatius, on the other hand, are still at their father's house because their mothers have both died. So he and Ignatius know the house and its passages a little better. So here he is, well hidden and he will be able to observe his father's guests without him finding out.

******

-Whoa Oz, your place is beautiful!" said Harley as she twirled around in the hallway.
-Glad to hear it, Harley," said Oswald.

He prefers to avoid entertaining his colleagues at home but with the bat circling the club and most of them sleeping where they can, his home has become the default place to meet.

-I feel bad that I came without anything," complains the Mad Hatter. -Maybe I can run into a bakery and pick up...
-Nonsense," Oswald reassured him. -We have everything we need here, including an excellent selection of tea so let me know how it goes.

As the two went into the office, the Riddler stopped to ask him:
-Do you need me to...
-No, Addison, Aiden and Ethan are at their mothers', Ignatius at a friend's and Martin will stay upstairs with the nanny.
-Are you sure about this?

This time, lower, the Penguin answered:
-He sent Harley to his place, so yes, I'm sure. You are free as a bird.
-Very good. But know that it doesn't bother me. Your kids are fine and I'm the last person to blame a parent for trying to protect their children. Oh also before I forget, Magpie...
-Already hiding the good silverware.

*****

-Did you choose?" asked Harley.
-Be patient, white queen. For once I had access to something better than those horrible packs.

These two are new, Martin thinks from his hiding place. A jester girl and the Mad Hatter of Wonderland. Jester is funny, she jumps around and laughs all the time. The hatter searches in the cabinet for tea. Martin wonders if he brought a hare and a dormouse with him. He must be pressing too hard on the ceiling plate because a noise is heard and the Jester notices it.

-What was that?
-Huh? What do you mean?
-I believe there is one of Oz's birds in the pipe. Are you giving me a short shrift?" asked the Jester.

The hatter held out his arms in confusion and the Jester climbed on top of him before jumping up and grabbing onto the pipe.
Martin tried to back away but crawling through the vents was harder to do backwards. It was too late anyway, the Jester had seen him.

-AHHHH! Jervis, come see what I found!
-It might be a bit difficult," says Hatter.
-Are you're not supposed to believe in six impossible things before breakfast? Hey! Don't be afraid, we'll go down together.

The Jester pushed the plate and reached for the toddler. After a moment's hesitation, Martin stepped forward to meet her and she took him with her free arm.

-Here we go, we hold on tight and we go down.

The jester dropped and landed like a cat on the ground.

-Hi Cutiepie, my name is Harley and what is your name?
-...
-Don't be shy, I won't eat you.
-I don't think he can answer you, not like that anyway," the hatter said suddenly, joining them.

He noticed the gestures the child was making.

-Hello, my name is Jer-Vis, are you hard of hearing? said the Mad Hatter, joining his words with signs.

The child shook his head in negation.

-Are you mute, darling?

The toddler nodded.

-Oh baby, I didn't know, sorry," said Harley.

The child then pointed to something hanging around his neck.

-Look, Harley," said Jervis.
-A notebook?
-With a name! Martin. Is that your name?

The toddler nodded again.

-And your family name is...

********

-You took a long time...Oswald began before he saw what Harley was holding against her hip.
-Ozzie, you little sneak," said Harley. -Did our invitation for the christening get lost?
-Martin? What are you doing here? Why do I pay this nanny if she can't even ...
-He can stay with us at worst," says Jervis. -Let's give him some pencils to draw with. I'm sure he won't bother anyone, isn't it darling?

Martin nods in the affirmative.

-I guess we can do that," conceded the Penguin.
-I' still like to know why you never told us you had a child," Harley asked.
-I try not to mix my private life with my work life," says Oswald, taking his son from Harley's arms. -Do the math! He was born during no man's land. Nobody had exactly the time to celebrate! Not to mention that when we first met, you tried to kill me so that I would give resources to your boyfriend. It didn't feel like getting out the family photos.
-Your daddy is exaggerating a little," Harley said embarrassed, looking at the toddler. -We just had a bit of a fight and someone got a nosebleed. But we made peace and we're all buddies, right Ozzy? Harley said with her eyes watering.
-Yes, as long as nobody gives anyone else a nosebleed," said Oswald, just wanting to get it over with.
-And the rest?" asked Magpie.
-The rest?" asked Harley and Jervis in chorus.
-You've got more, right? How many is it again? Ten?
-Five," corrected the Riddler before he realized his mistake.

Damn it, thought the Penguin.

-Five! You have five children?" asked Harley.
-Did you get quintuplets?" asked the mad hatter in surprise.
-Yes, Harley, I have five children. And no, Jervis, I didn't have quintuplets, I only have one set of twins," said Penguin, pinching the bridge of his nose.
-And you still haven't married her after she gave you five children? Jervis asked in shock.

Then he saw what Martin was signing: We don't have the same mommies.

-You ...have several children with different women?
-Yes, Jervis. I have five children with four different women. My first with a college sweetheart, my twins with an ex-fiancee, my fourth with one of my employers and I had Martin during the no man's land panic. Ignatius, Addison, Aiden, Ethan and Martin. Four boys and one girl.
-Ozzy, my man, are you trying to make sure that penguins are no longer on the verge of extinction by yourself?," said Harley, impressed.
-It's a disgrace! said the hatter, becoming angry. -Abandon those poor women you knocked up! And I thought you were a gentleman!
-Abandoned? I pay alimony for 3 of them! And I only discovered the eldest when his mother died. The first thing I did after the DNA test was to bring him back with me. And I searched heaven and earth during the no man's land to bring everyone back with me. It's not my fault that Martin's mother was...
-Oh, I'm sorry Oswald, I didn't mean to bring back bad memories," Jervis said, immediately calmed down.
-It's not a big deal. Look, they are all enfants d'amour. Like William the Conqueror, Cesars Borgia, Leonardo da Vinci, Madame du Barry, Sarah Bernard, Guillaume Apollinaire, Eva Peron or Alexandre Dumas fils. They all turned out pretty well, didn't they?
-Mostly, said Edward.
-I agree," says Harley. -We are in the 21st century. A family can be defined differently from the heteronormative nuclear model.
-Thank you. I would also like to say that unlike some men of power and wealth, I have recognised all my children. I would like to see Falcome or Wayne say the same.
-I knew about Falcome, but Wayne? asked Magpie in confusion.
-All the kids he adopts look like him: dark hair, light eyes, athletic. So either they're all his or he's the biggest narcissist I've ever met. Perhaps it's both, actually.
-He would have started young, Magpie said.
-Hyper-sexuality can be a response to a traumatic experience and what happened to him was traumatic," says Harley.
-All right, he's got a pass for it," said the Penguin, rolling his eyes. -Well, in any case," said the Penguin, looking at his son. -I'll take you back upstairs.
-Hey, why are you doing this?" asked Harley. -It doesn't bother anyone that he stays.
-Besides, if the nanny did such a bad job, it would be silly to bring him back to her," says Jervis.

Oswald sighed before turning to Martin:
-Me and my colleagues have to work, so I need you to look after yourself if you're staying, alright?
Martin nodded.

*****

Martin had kept his word. Not that it helps the meeting to move forward. Because Harley and Jervis are unable to concentrate with the toddler in the same room.

-What are you drawing, darling?" asked Jervis.

Martin proudly raised his drawing of Batman with knives in his eyes and red spots around him.

-Whoah! Is this your plan to get rid of bat-dumb? asked Harley. -Oz, look at that!
-I've seen it," said the Penguin. -I like the enthusiasm but it may be a bit ambitious for his age.
-Can I have it?" asked Jervis.

Martin give it to the hatter without hesitation.

-Will you make me one too?" asked Harley. -You think you can make me smash his dumb head with my hammer?

Martin nodded.

-Yeah!

Edward turned to Oswald:
-I don't think we'll get anywhere today. Might as well get out the tea and cookies.
-Or I can just tell the others to stay for dinner. The child will fall asleep quickly after that and we can resume...Margaret puts the pencil down immediately," says the Penguin.
-But it's shiny...
-Margaret, this shiny pencil costs $1,99. And I think if you get the full box with all the colours, it's $19.99. Can you steal anything other than my children's toys?

Margaret sulkily puts the pencil down before taking a paperweight and stuffing it into her pocket. Regardless, it collects dust and Oswald thought he'd give it away at the next rummage sale.

******

His prediction is correct, after dinner, letting Martin try out Jervis's cards on his nanny (who doesn't know how lucky she is that Oswald isn't doing anything more for her incompetence) and playing with Harley, the little one almost falls asleep on the spot. It's not difficult to get him to bed. When the Penguin returns he can hear:
-Ozzy is soooo cute! You can have it all in the end! I can't wait to the day when my Punding will be one tucking in our kids.

If she only knew. The fact that she came instead of the Joker was the only reason Martin was even in the house.

Chapter Text

-It's pretty ordinary, I expected more, said the man.
-Do you think so?" asked his wife.

Okay, the restaurant is very beautiful and chic. The menu is appetizing, the waitresses in their uniforms have the right balance between sexy and classy, the music and the atmosphere are good, the hostess told them about the discotheque, the casino on the other floors and the aquarium with the different animals are nice...But for a club held by a former masked criminal, he had the right to expect better! At least a place closer to the aquarium for the money they were spending.
Suddenly his eyes were drawn to something.

-Honey, what are you doing?" asked his wife when she saw him get up.
-We're switching tables.

****

-Ignatius?

Ignatius looks up at the young waitress standing before him.

-Good evening, has Mr. Cobblepot asked for me?
-No, says the waitress. -Uh, there are special guests for the private room...

Most of his father's colleagues don't exactly have good social skills, so both for the safety of the customers and for their comfort, they are their own spaces. This makes the place quite popular especially since it allows them certain luxuries like smoking or bringing their pets with them. But most waitresses avoid them like the plague (many of them deserve it like the Joker who might douse someone with acid as soon as he gets bored, the mad hatter who reacts intensely when he thinks he sees his Alice, Poison Ivy ready to make a scandal if someone has the misfortune to have a notebook to take her order or Maxis Zeus unable to keep it in his pants). He and his father's charlies angels are occasionally seen as safer alternatives. The girls were his original bodyguards and people who know about Ignatius' relationship with the Penguin, assume that the other rogues will be kinder to him out of friendship or to avoid a gang war.

-...And Lark, Raven and Jay are busy?" concluded Ignatius.
-Yes, so I thought that...
-All right, what's the name on the reservation?" asked Ignatius, standing up.
-Oh thanks, Ig! This is Mr. Joseph Kerr.

Damn it, thinks Ignatius.

******

-Good evening," said Ignatius with a menu under his arm.

The Joker has changed his usual purple suit for a black one. Harley wears a red and black dress with a diamond cut in the very right place.

-Hi sweetie," said the blonde. -How are you doing?
-Fine, thank. Let me bring you to your table. We'll make this quick as you have poker in an hour.
-What?" said a surprised Harley. -Pudding, it's our anniversary, didn't you forget?
-Of course not, pet, said the Joker taking Harley's face between his fingers. -But I'm a very demanding man. And so, certain sacrifices have to be made.

Call it standard or a thanks for the fact that Harley always found an excuse for Thorn to go join him, but Ignatius says:
-You could learn. Poker is not that complicated.
-We're playing for big money, kiddo! I don't feel like babysitting. Speaking of which, what are you doing here?
-I'll take you to your table," replied Ignatius.

The less he told the Joker, the better.

-In that case, show us, pisher!

Ignatius obeys despite his desire to knock out the Joker's teeth.

*******

-So, as the majority arrive later, you are free to settle in wherever you like...says Ignatius before interrupting himself by seeing a couple sitting by the aquarium.
-Excuse me, can I have your names please?" asked Ignatius.
-Oh, it's a waiter here? asked the disappointed man.
-This is a private room reserved for...Ignatius tried to explain before being interrupted.
-How much?" asked the man.
-I beg your pardon?
-How much more is it to settle here?
-It's not about money," said Ignatius. -It is a private room for club members. Now if you don't mind...
-Not a question of money? the man laughs. -Listen to me carefully...he said while looking for the pin on Ignatius' clothes.
-I'm not a waiter, I'm just trying to be nice," says Ignatius coldly.
-His daddy is the boss and a good friend," Harley said before putting her arms around Ignatius as if he were a small child.
-It's about class and respect rather than money," says the Joker.
-Class? asked the man's wife as she stared at the Joker and Harley.
-Yes," continued the Joker. -And respect, which you miss since you are sitting in my favorite seat.
-I don't see your name written on that table, there wasn't even a sign saying reserve, the man got angry.
-Are you tourists?" asked Ignatius.
-Yes we are not from the state, how had you guessed? asked the wife.

*****

Oswald settles in as several of the rogues join him at the table for the monthly poker game (even they need a hobby and social interaction). Who participates usually depends on who is not locked up or has no tensions related to revenge or turf wars. Tonight, it's him, Two-Face, Ivy, Jervis, Ed and the Joker.
He is the last one to show up.

-You're late and we've already decided that we're playing half kill," said the Penguin.
-All right, you wimps," mocked the Joker. -I had to take care of Harley. It's our anniversary or some sentimental hogwash and it's really important to her. She is sitting quietly eating her birthday meal and will not disturb us.

After his words, Ivy looks like she's about to kiss him (and not in a fun way), Jervis looks sad and Ed sighs. Oswald thinks he's going to offer her dessert, this kind of scene brings back bad memories but he knows you can't do anything if the victim won't help. Better just passes the chips.

-There was also mistake with my table because of your kid. Don't worry, it's all taken care of, so don't bother getting out the leather belt. Is this the day you bring your child to work?
-Ignatius wants to work in the family business," says the Penguin coldly. -I agree with this as long as he continues his studies. So if we start with cash and then if everyone feels up to it, we'll add equipment, territory or favours, deal?
-Deal.
-Cool.
-Can I trade territory for mooks?
-Sure.
-Work for me, says Two-Face after launching his coin . -It's good that you encourage him in both
-Thank. It works better to set boundaries than to just say no.
-Good approach dodo, says Jervis.
-I can't say I'm not proud. Especially since he wants to get it on his own. He uses his mother's name, calls me Mr. Cobblepot in public and starts at the bottom.
-Maybe things would have gone better with his offspring if Falcone had done the same, Ed says.
-Well, the one that went it alone turned out well, didn't it?" said Ivy. -Except for her taste in men...
-Hey, I dated Selina!" the Riddler huffs.
-So am I!
-And you and I...When did it get so incestuous?" said Harvey.
-Small social circle," says Penguin, handing out the cards. -Also, I must admit that it helps that he looks like his mother rather than me...
-To the untrained eye, says the Joker.
-I suppose he has my ambition, some of my manners, and my only beauty," says Oswald, surprised and touched.
-Your eyes? You're right on target, but it's not that great," continues the Joker. -Blue, green, brown, such simple ways to describe eyes. For an artist like me anyway. Let's take two other people who are close to me with blue eyes: Harley and Batman. Harley has them dark, almost the color of the deep sea. Batchou on the other hand is the color of a summer sky, so bright. And for you and your brat, it's colder, greyish, icy.
-...Whoa, thanks for the colour course. Oh, before I forget, do we have Look at two and kill? ask the Penguin.
-Speaking of which," said Joker, reaching into his jacket pocket. -I wanted to bet them but never mind, he concludes by placing a bloody handkerchief on the table.

A bloody pair of blue eyes stares at the others.

-Same color," said the Joker proudly.
-Ignatius!
-Relax, he's not dead, he's with Harley...

The Penguin rushes into the private room shouting his son's name. Harvey tosses his coin in the air and looks at the result before saying:
-You're in luck, Joker.

He followed after the Penguin.

-Ice, said the Riddler. -I need ice!

The mad hatter rushed behind the bar to get some.

-Take a sandwich bag or a plastic box too to prevent infection, says Ivy.

The riddler gave Ivy a confused look.

-What? My relationship with Thorn is complicated enough as it is without letting her...whatever he is for her be mutilated.

*****

-Ignatius?" Oswald called again as he entered the dining room.
-Yes?

The young man sits at a table with Harley...with both eyes intact.
The two share a dessert as if nothing had happened.

-Hey Oz!" shouts Harley. -This cake is so yummy! What kind of jam is this?
-It's a mixture of strawberry and dragon fruit," explains Ignatius.
-Tell me you sell jars of this in the store!
-Hey look," said Two-Face, pointing to another table to Oswald.

Two corpses with horrifying smiles on their faces lay at the table in a macabre parody. One of the two bodies with its eyes removed.

-I told them to leave the room but they didn't listen. Their choice, their funeral, said Ignatius continuing to eat.

They were interrupted by a characteristic laugh that made Ignatius stop.

-You should have seen your face, Pengy!" laughed the Joker.
-What happened...
-It's okay, we've got them!" said Riddler holding a plastic box in his hands descending followed by Poison Ivy and the Hatter. -We'll just call the dollmaker and ask him to fix Ig!
-Don't worry, we're paying," says Jervis. -By card," said the hatter, pointing to one of his own. -Pheromone or if we have to resort to...
-I have my gardening tools with me and my car is electric," says Pamela.
-He's fine," says Harvey showing the two corpses.
-Oh it was a prank? asked the mad hatter.
-You waste of space, I'm going to .... began to say Ivy before being stopped by Harley.
-Red, please explain to me what is going on? I thought I was going to have a great party with Punding and my friends...
-I would like to understand too," says Ignatius.

Ed put the box on the table to show Ignatius.

-We thought they were yours.
-Oh Mister J, you are incorrigible.

Joker smiled proudly, but before he could respond, a shot rang out.

-Get out of my establishment now!" shouted the Penguin, his umbrella still smoking.
-Jez, I've known you to be more fun, Oz! complains the Joker.
-I'm going to go and ask for some take out boxes from the kitchen," said Ignatius.
-No," said his father.
-Ok, as you wish...
-What I wish you is that you make yourself useful! You're here to work and I find you chowing down and... Is that a beer?
-Hey, calm down," said Harley. -Your son offered to keep me company because I was all alone! We had cake for two and I poured some of my beer in a glass for him. I'm I'm pretty sure your son who is over 18 years old, 6'3"and 200 pound of muscle scan safely have 2 sips of beer with someone over 21! And spare me the legal aspect, it's the most benign thing that's happened in this room, we both know that. As a matter of fact.

Harley turned to hand Ignatius a roll of money.

-Here, you're not a waiter but you deserve a tip for tonight. Sorry for your bloodstains too, we went to the bank before coming.
-Thank.
-Oswald, said Two-face drawing Oswald towards him. -Head, you calm down and we go back up to resume the game. Tail, you calm down and we all go after a drink, deal?
-I don't need your coin to make a decision!
-Ignatius, said Ed.
-What now?
-Please leave. It's not your fault...
-Yeah, I know that," said Ignatius as he picked up the glass and left the room.
-Are we going to play after all?
-Read the room, Jervis," Ivy retorted.
-Harley tipped generously, I demand the boxes to go! continued the Joker.
-I'm going to put you in a box!

*******

-Well, I think we're almost done," says Jay.

The leopard seals look with interest at the bin containing the rest of their meal.

-Toast, Pompom, George, Noireau, Mata Hari, Gimli, Monroe, Stanley, Harley, Dabadie come and eat my sweeties," said Jay, holding out a severed hand to one of the leopard seals.
-Who chooses the names? That's a really strange choice," says Ignatius, taking a foot and throwing it to another seal.
-Each time we have a new one, I let all the employees write their suggestions and we draw randomly. It aslo very hypocritical of someone who named a shark Tiny.
-I was 8 years old and he was really small when we got him," Ignatius told his father.
-Jay, my darling, you have my permission to finish early tonight," said the Penguin.
-Thank you Mr. Cobblepot," said the woman after petting one of the seals one last time.

Great, thinks Ignatius. His father will probably make him empty the aquarium and wash it down or have him count the pills of drug in the reserve one by one .

-Ignatius, listen...I was worried and reacted intensely. It shouldn't have happened.
-Are you trying to apologise?" said his son amused.
-Of course not! You were drinking during your working hours! And you should have texted me to tell me that the Joker killed the tourists! How could they not recognise him?
-Maybe they thought it was people who cosplay, we have from time to time especially at Haloween. I accept your apology.
-I do not apologise, Ignatius Edward Ogilvy Cobblepot! And you better thank everyone who rushed to your aid tonight whether it was because they thought you were hurt or to protect you from my wrath!
-How many did it because I am like a nephew to them and the rest because they want to continue to be able to drink and eat at your bar without being stressed by the police?
-I am sure that both reasons were equally valid for them!

Chapter Text

-So Candide, is it?" ask Mr Cobblepot.
-Yes, Candide Lachaise," said the young woman.

Candide is a little stressed by her future boss. The man is small, round with a strong nose almost resembling a beak.Dressed in a suit that was a bit too fancy for a simple interview and wearing a monocle (who knew people still wore monocles?). He should look ridiculous but yet he manages to exude a certain authority and class.

-Votre anglais est très bon, je vous félicite. Votre arrivé c'est bien passé?
-Thank you, sir. Yes, very good. It's a bit of a change of scenery but I like the US.
-Is there anything you especially like? asked a curious Mr Cobblepot.
-The super-heroes. You have them everywhere. I think we have 5 for the whole French territory.
-It must be pleasant.
-Pardon?
-Nothing. How about I show you around and explain the rules of the house?

*****

-So you have five children...
-Yes, but you wouldn't always have them in your charge: only 2 full-time residents with me. I share custody with my former partners, the older one is independent enough to look after himself, I just want you to make sure he does his homework and respects the curfew. My youngest is the only one you will have to look after full time. He is mute so I hope you didn't lie about knowing LSI.
-No, I've been taking classes.
-Perfect. I don't have a problem with you disciplining my children, but I do prohibit corporal punishment, meal deprivation and anything that involves freezing or burning water. Time out, loss of privilege, chores and cod liver oil for the bad tongues are allowed. I have a complicated schedule due to my work and I am a very demanding man so expect a change of plans sometimes at the last minute. If your day off has to be postponed, you will receive a bonus as compensation. I expect you to help them get ready for school, help with homework, take care of them when they are sick, etc. The little one still uses his rattle when he wants something even though he starts to communicate with gestures and pictures. Practised with him. I will gave your the number to my two ex-partners for emergencies for the children. You will be given a document with the other emergency numbers and important medical information.
-Very well, sir.
-I have many birds, they should not be disturbed by strangers, which you are to them. If you have any dietary requirements, please contact the cook. I expect you to be irreproachable in the presence of my little ones but in private and on your days off, you can indulge in all the vices you wish as long as you are fit for work the next day.
-Thank?
-Your accommodation," said Mr Cobblepot, opening a door. -There is a private bathroom attached. Not great when it was originally a room for several servants but for one person after the renovation, I think you'll be fine.
-It's perfect, Candide said looked around the room happily.
-Glad to hear it. In that case, all I have to do is introduce you to the kids...Oh, no actually, there's one more thing.
-Yes?
-I work mainly in the management of entertainment establishments, so I have close contacts with many perfomers. Some are even close friends. For this reason and the fact that I have always been the more...stable person in our little group, some of them come here sometimes. I try to discourage this behaviour as I have children now but artists are what they are! I just don't want you to be surprised if you see an eccentric person in a costume and make-up asking to talk to me.
-Oh you are the mum friend!
-What's that?
-The responsible friend who takes care of others and always has a full fridge.
-Oh dear, I think you're right," laughed Mr Cobblepot. -I will make you a list of names and things to do so you don't have to worry.
-No problem, Mr Cobblepot.

*****

-This is my eldest son, Ignatius, my twins Addison and Aiden, my cadet Ethan and my youngest, Martin. Say hello to your new au pair Candide.
-Pleased to meet you Candide, Addison, Aiden and Ethan say in chorus as Ignatius mumbles the sentence, clearly bored. The baby clings to his father, watching the newcomer, curious.
-Nice to meet you too.

*****

-All right, so how are they?" asked Candide's sister over the phone.
-Good, honestly. The father worries me at first but he's a nice man, just a bit eccentric.
-Eccentric?
-He always carries an umbrella just in case and he really likes birds. He even has a pet penguin, can you believe it?
-And they say you can't buy happiness!
-He seems to really love his kids and isn't afraid to be tough when he has to be. He just has a complicated work schedule. His club looks really cool, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe I'll go and have a look on my day off. It's like Vega in a building.
-Ask him for a vip pass. You're looking after his kids after all. What are they like anyway?
-The elder clearly thinks he is too old for an au pair, even though all I do for him is make sure he doesn't skip school and keeps his curfew. But he's not one of those horrible spoiled brats I had to deal with before. He's polite to his father's employees and he even has a job he seems to like. He just rolled his eyes and tried to ignore me.
-Okay, so normal teenager. And the rest?
-The twins are fused, the girl clearly wears the pants in the duo. Quite bossy but I think that comes with having 4 brothers. The boy is quieter and very protective of his sister. Then there is their Irish tripplet from another mother. Poor thing, he wants attention so badly. But he is caught in the middle and the twins treat him as if he were the same age as the baby.
-I have nothing about the fact of having 5 children with 4 different women but the 18 month gap between twins and the other is a bit...
-I stop you there! We don't know the situation and as far as I know their mothers get on well...
-Do you think ménage a trois or that they just decided to blame the guy rather than fight for him?
-Andy, please stop theorising about my boss.
-You are no fun. And the baby, is he the one with special needs?
-Yeah, he's mute. So he needs more supervision. He's clearly daddy's boy, I can tell you that. Note that he is the youngest, he has special needs and his mother is dead, so it's not so surprising that his father coddles him.
-Good luck with it all sis.
-I've seen worse.

*****
There are ups and downs but Candide manages: yes, Mr Cobblepot has a funny schedule but he pays well. The kids have their moments or they're terrible but they're not even on her top 5 worst she's had. But...sometimes there are events that make her feel strange.

*****

The first time is when she is putting Martin in his high chair while his siblings are setting up for dinner. She can eat with the children and rarely does Mr Cobblepot join them. He usually eats at his workplace. The cook is sometimes rather cold to her but the children seem to love her.

-It smells good, what is it?

Candide almost jumps out of her skin and sees a bald man in the dining room all dressed in black.

-Hey Zsasz, said Ignatius.
-Who is he? Do you know him?" asked Candide in panic.
-He's one of Dad's employees," says Aiden.
-And why is he here?" continued Candide.
-Special delivery for Cobblepot: Judas ears, says Zsasz, holding out a plastic bag.
-At this time of day?
-He told me to bring him as soon as possible.

Maybe it's for the Iceberg restaurant, thought Candide.

-Do you grow them for him or just buy them? Candide asked.
-I picked them," the man said simply.
-I'll take this to the fridge downstairs," says Ignatius, taking the bag from Zsasz.
-So what is it? Zsasz asked Addison.
-Moroccan fish cakes with lemon sauce. Would you like some?

Zsasz sat down at the table without hesitation and began to make a plate.

-I'm sorry, but does Mr. Cobblepot allow you to...
-Are you the new babysitter?
-I am the new au pair.
-What happened to the old one? asked Zsasz to Ethan.
-She went back to Italy. Dad said she was depressed because she was homesick.
- That's what he said about the Japanese girl too, right? How badly do you treat them?
-We don't do anything to them!" said Addison. -Tell him, Candide!
-Yes, they behave well most of the time," said Candide, surprised that they reminded of her presence in the room.
-Maybe it's just the agency that made a bad choice," said Ignatius, coming back into the room. -We had a lot of au pairs but that's just because their contract is never for 10 years and just life happens. I mean, we had one who died in the earthquake, two that my dad...fired and one who decided to stay but for legal reasons, prefers to stop.
-I'm sorry, what?" asked Candide in horror.
-She just liked tucking my father more than the rest of us. Tamara was nice to us even after that, so nobody minded.
-Are you going to finish that?" asked Zsasz, pointing to Candide's plate.
-I...

Candide then noticed Zsasz's wrist and the wet spots on his shirt sleeve.

-You are bleeding, you are injured! I'll get the first aid kit...
-It's okay, love. I'll put a towel on if you're worried about Cobblepot being mad at you if the tablecloth gets dirty.
-That's not the problem, you'll get a scar if you...
-That's the goal, silly" says Aiden.

Addison and Ethan would start laughing. Candide has just enough time to see Ignatius signal them to be quiet.

-Kids, come on. Don't scare your nanny," said Zsasz with a smile that Candide thought was the most terrifying thing in the room. -But seriously, are you going to finish that?

*****

-Mister Cobblepot?
-Is there a problem, Candide?
-A certain Mr Zsasz came by...
-Oh yes, Ignatius told me. I understand that it made you a little uncomfortable. Don't worry, I have him on a leash. He is a very...disturbing and eccentric man but there is no one more professional and effective than him in the business. I don't have a problem with him being in the same room as my children but if you do, you can ask him to eat in the kitchen next time.
-No, it's fine.Your... Your errand boy just... startled me.

Chapter Text

It is also.

This week it's quieter. Addison, Aiden and Ethan are at their respective mothers' houses. She just has the oldest and youngest to look after. Martin has started to get used to her and they continue to practice sign language together. Ignatius...He obeys when she asks him something but he will be very careful with her choice of words and explore every loop he hears. Eye rolls and expressions of annoyance are also common place.

Speak of the devil.

-Ignatius, I have tried to call you several times! Your father doesn't want you to stay out so late at night when there's school the next day!
-My shift took longer than expected. And tomorrow morning, my class is maths which my grades are excellent and morals which no one cares about, so at worst, you'll call and say I have a stomach ache.
-I don't think your father would approve, Ignatius.
-Well, you can't be a rat and not say anything.
-Ignatius, you go to your room and we will hope that you will be able to get up tomorrow.
-Is that her?

Candide gets up to see a girl waiting in the hallway. She is wearing a worn yellow t-shirt, a denim mini-skirt, army boots and what Candide suspects is one of Ignatius' jackets. But that's not the most noticeable thing: the girl is green. Her skin is green, her hair is dark green, almost black, and her eyes are also bright green. She also has several jewellery that seem to imitate brambles and thorns all over her. Is she coming back from a costume party or what?

-Yes, Thorn, that's her.

The girl approaches and says:
-Good evening, my name is Thorn, I am a friend of Ig. Can I stay here to sleep please?
-Uh...I...I don't think so. I don't know if the father of Ignatius would approve of a girl spending the night.
-That's sexist," says Thorn.
-No, it is not...
-Yes, it is. You implied if I were a boy, you would let me sleep here.
-No, it's because you're the opposite sex...
-Homosexual, bisexual, pansexual and demi-sexual exist, Thorn retorts.
-Do your parents agree that you should spend the night here on a school day? Candide asked, changing her strategy.
-She's homeschooled," says Ignatius. -So it's not a problem.
-I think it's up to your parents to decide whether it is," Candide continued.
-You have an accent," says Thorn.
-She's French," says Ignatius.
-My grandmother was French," says Thorn.
-Really? Have you ever visited this side of the family?
-No. My mom doesn't really talk to them anymore. Could you tell me what it's like?
-I'd love it another time when it's not so late.
-She could say goodbye to you like they do in France, Thorn," offered Ignatius. -Kissing on both cheeks, right?
-Can we?" asked Thorn.
-Sure," said Candide, just wanting to be rid of the teenager.

Thorn then leans over and kisses Candide on both cheeks.
It was ... good. Candide feels good. Relaxed, happy and the air smells like a field of flowers.

-We go to Ignatius' room, says Thorn. -You will say that Ignatius is sick and cannot go to school for the next few days. We do not want to be disturbed...
-Well, she could come and serve us dinner from time to time. What would you like, Thorn?" asked Ignatius.

48 hours later

-Candide? Candide!
-Yes, Mr. Cobblepot?
-The school just called me to say that if Ignatius stays away any longer, they'll need a doctor's note. Do you have any idea what this is about?

Candide, seemingly unfazed by his boss's threatening tone, replies:
-Oh yes. They asked me to do it.
-They?
-Ignatius and his friend Thorn.
-Who's Thorn?
-His friend.

Her boss looks stressed. Poor man.

-I see. Can you describe Thorn?
-Of course, she is a girl of his age. She was in disguise when she came here.
-What kind of disguise?
-Her skin was painted green, her hair was dyed dark green, her eyes were bright green but I don't know if that's her real colour or lenses. She also had lots of jewellery imitating brambles and vines.

Mr. Cobbepot curses.

-You shouldn't say bad words like that...
-Where are my sons?
-Martin is in his cot and Ignatius is in his room with Thorn but he does not want to be disturbed...
-Candide. Why don't you go lie down in your room and wait for me to come and get you?
-Are you sure...
-Yes, I am!

*****

Candide was awakened later by the sound of arguing. She got up, still dazed, and opened the door of her room to go towards the source of the noise.
She finds Mr. Cobblepot and a beautiful redheaded woman yelling at Ignatius who is wearing only a sheet wrapped around him and Thorn wearing a t-shirt that must belong to Ignatius.

-Do you have any idea how worried I was?" the woman shouted at the teenager.
-I've left a message!
-Good morning, it is Wednesday and I am alive. I'm going home in two days. Do you think that's reassuring? Not to mention all the bad influence this boy has had on you!
-The tango requires two people, Ivy," says Mr. Cobbepot. -I don't think my son could have succeeded if your daughter hadn't drugged the nanny.
-I was drugged?" asked Candide.

Surprisingly, all four seemed equally uncomfortable with Candide's arrival.

-Drugged is a harsh word," said Ivy. -You were at most in a more influential stage caused by some herbal and pheromone products.
-Dr Isley, you should have been a politician," scoffed Mr.Cobbelpot. -Candide, let me introduce you to Thorn's mother, the botanist and environmentalist, Pamela Isley.
-Her mother?

Dr. Isley doesn't even look 30.

-Your son convinced her to get off her fruitarian diet! Not to mention why he brought her here.

Dr. Isley seemed to be about to gouge out Ignatius' eyes, but Thorn came to his rescue.

-Mom, who says it was my first time?
-Who told you it wasn't mine?" added Ignatius.
-What? Dr Isley asked in shock.
-Really, Ignatius?" asked a surprised Oswald.
-Some people want it to be special, Father," says Ignatius trying to look dignified with his sheet.
-I hope it was worth it then. Ivy takes your daughter and her things, I have to talk to my elder.
-You don't give me orders Oz! Dr Isley said, picking up his daughter's things anyway before pulling her by the arm with her.
-You can't keep me locked up in a greenhouse forever, Mom!
-We'll see about that!

Once the Isleys had left, Oswald turned his attention back to his son.

-And you.

Oswald grabbed his son's ear and twisted it, bringing his son up to his level.

-Ow! But let go of me!" shouted Ignatius trying to struggle while holding back his sheet.
-I am truly ashamed of your behaviour, Ignatius Edward Ogilvy Cobblepot. Not only is what you did to Mademoiselle Lachaise is unacceptable of the gentleman I tried to turn you into, but can you imagine what might have happened to your little brother?
-She was asked every time she came to make sure he was fed and clean! Can I at least go and put on some bloody pant?
-No. You'll have to apologise to Mademoiselle Lachaise first.
-I'm sorry Candide...Aw!
-No, that's not what we want to hear," said Oswald, twisting again.

If a look could kill, not only would she and Mr. Cobblepot be dead, but their corpses would be impossible to identify, thought Candide, seeing the teenager's expression.

-I'm sorry, Miss Lachaise. My behaviour was unacceptable, I hope you can forgive me.
-Of course, Ignatius. Let's start fresh.
-Wonderful," said Mr. Cobblepot, finally releasing his son's ear. -Oh, Ignatius. Don't worry. We'll get your paper from the doctor. That way you can stay at home for the rest of the week and help Miss Lachaise while she recovers from all her troubles.
-I have homework and...
-I'm sure the school will give them to us so you don't fall behind," Oswald said with a venomous smile. -Also, I would like my son to experience first hand the life of a teenage father in order to be always careful in the future.
-Unlike you, I didn't wait until my 40s to use protection!

Mr. Cobblepot grabbed and twisted his eldest son's ear again as he said:
-Child, I'm not going to go through your garbage looking for a condom. I don't even want to pay someone to do it. Are you done with your tantrum?
-Yes, father.
- That will be all, you can go and get dressed.

Ignatius picks up what dignity he has left and returns to his room.

-Thank you for being so understanding, Candide.
-It's nothing, Mr. Cobblepot.

*****

-Again? How can something so small produce so much shit?" Ignatius asked discouragedly, looking at his younger brother with disgust.
-Ignatius," said Candide with a sigh. -Let me take care of Martin and go catch up on your schoolwork.
-So you can whine to my dad and I get in more trouble? No, thank you!
-Ignatius, I am here to help Mr Cobbepot with his children. And the best thing for both of you is that you're doing your duty while I take care of Martin," Candide continued, taking the baby from his arms. -I'm sorry but you are really bad at this.

She doesn't need to tell him twice.

Chapter Text

The next strange event takes place some weeks later.

Candide begins ...to get used to the city of Gotham. A city is basically always awake (especially at night), wealth as well as crime reigns and might as well celebrate Halloween every day. Let's just say she's still pretty grateful that Mr Cobblepot gave her the number of one of his security guards.
As she was about to brush her teeth before going to bed, she noticed someone.

-Ethan? Why aren't you in bed? You'll be exhausted tomorrow!
-Daddy's not home yet," Ethan said, looking out the window.
-Oh honey, you know your daddy comes home very late sometimes. And he' ll be there tomorrow morning when you wake up, Candide tried to reassure him.

Then she looked up at the sky and smiled. She knew how to comfort him!

-Look, you see the signal in the sky. That means Batman is out there, I'm sure with him around, your father will be able to get home safely.

Ethan doesn't say a word but has an expression that Candide can only describe as shut up, you stupid bitch beford returns his attention to the window.

-I don't sleep until Daddy comes home," says the little boy.

Candide sighs before saying:
-What do you think about us waiting for your father together? You could get some sleep and I'll wake you up as soon as he gets here?
-Okay.

*****

It must be almost four in the morning when Candide finally hears the sound of the umbrella tapping against the entry packet. Ethan is asleep next to her and she gets up as gently as possible so as not to wake him up. Surely she can convince Mr. Cobbepot to give him a little peek before she takes him back up to his room. She rushes to meet him:
-Mr Cobblepot, I...
-What?

Candide holds back a scream. Mr. Cobblepot has severe bruising on one side of his face, a black eye with blood vessels bursting from the eye and a split lip.

-Oh my God, what happened to you...
-Tough night. What's the problem?" asked Mr Cobblepot curtly.
-Uh, Ethan couldn't sleep because he was worried and wanted us to wait for you...

Her boss took a deep breath before saying:
-Let me make sure I understand; it's past 4am, I'm exhausted from work and you learn me that second youngest is still up because you couldn't get him back to sleep?
-I...
-And he's not going to sleep again because you promised him he would see me. Which means I have to go to the bathroom and try to cover up all this with makeup even if it still painfull, thanks for asking, as best I can for not to terrify my child , which will take me at least half an hour and he still hasn't slept. We will be lucky if he gets 2 hours of sleep. Tell me, I dare to hope that you know any other way to put a child to sleep than to use cough syrup?
-Yes, of course...I should have...
-Doing your job? Yes, you should have! And now make yourself bloody useful," muttered Mr. Cobblepot so coldly that Candide thought it would not have been worse if he had shouted at her.
-Yes, I'm sorry, Mr. Cobblepot...
-Talk less, act more.

****

Mr. Cobbelpot reappears as promised, half an hour later and ...Candide is really impressed. Except for the blood vessels, everything else was camouflaged extremely well. He goes to Ethan and assures the boy who eventually falls asleep. After that, the mask falls off.

-Mr. Cobblepot, I thought...said Candide, holding out an ice pack.
-I can take care of myself, this is not my first ride. Mademoiselle Lachaise, you are here to take care of my children. Not only is my schedule complicated but my work can be ...intense. People drink, take drugs, are excited, demanding, tempers flare, incidents can happen. I had much worse when I was younger and I work more with the public. And I'm not one to ignore a problem if I can help it, but my kids don't need to see the worst aspects when I come home. This is the most important aspect of your work, am I clear?
-Yes, mister Cobblepot.
-Perfect. I'd say good night, but as you'll have to get up in an hour...

*****

She would like to blame the strange events of the next day on her lack of sleep but it is impossible.

-All right Ethan, try to get through the day and then after school, go back to bed for a nap ," said Candide, handing the boy his backpack.
-Will he have to wear diapers like Martin?" asked Aiden mockingly.
-Aiden! Ethan just had a bad night! I'm sure you do too.
-He goes to sleep in Addy's room when it happens, Ethan says. -He can't sleep without his big sister who is just 10 minutes older than him.
-I'm your big sister too!" said Addison.
-That's enough, you three, you're going to be late!
-Not sure that's a problem anymore, says Ignatius. -Ed just called Dad so we may have the day off.
-Ed?
-My father's best friend," says Ignatius. -Go and see him if you don't believe me.

Candide wonders if she was too tired to understand the sentence or if Ignatius is making fun of her. Also, she was a bit afraid of Mr. Cobblepot's reaction after last night. She assumes she has no choice.

****

-Of course I appreciate it, Eddie! But your boyfriend needs to find another hobby. Because for his field of study or for funds, I understand but the rest of the time. I don't know, you're the one who sleeps...

Toc-toc

-Just a minute, Eddie.

Mr. Cobblepot opened the door and found Candide looking intimidated at him.

-What is it now?
-Sorry to bother you but Ignatius said they didn't have to go to school because your best friend call? I'm not sure I understand.

To her surprise, Mr. Cobblepot seemed more amused than anything else:
-Oh, it's a bit simpler. My dear friend Edward is dating someone who works with the gas alerts for the city. The police don't always announce them on the news if they think they can handle it so Ed and his boyfriend warn their friends just in case.
-Gas Alert? What kind of gas? asked Candide terrified. -Is this so common?
-That the work of a criminal known as the Scarecrow. It can make you see your worst fears. It is not a pleasant experience. And for how common it is...I would say it's like the wildfires? It's common enough that everyone knows what to do in these situations but it doesn't happen every week. So, just stay inside today. I'd like them to study a bit anyway, but if they do the grace matinee or stay in their pyjamas, it's not a problem. I'll probably go back to bed too. Have a nice day, he said as he closes his door and starts talking on the phone again.

He is right about one thing though, the children know exactly what to do. They know they can't get out. Ignatius and Ethan go back to bed while the twins sit in front of the TV. In fact, she has a horrible feeling when she watches the news.

-Around 10 am, the eastern neighborhoods was hit by the gas from the Scarecrow causing significant damage...

Cops can't be that incompetent...But how else could Mr. Cobblepot's friend...

******
But the straw that broke the camel's back was...

-Hello, can I help you?" asked Candide.

The man had parked in front of the house and was rummaging in his car boot. He looked up as he heard the voice of the young woman and Candide was shocked by his ... unexpected appearance.

-Good evening, Miss. Is Pengy home?
-Pengy?
-Good ol' Ozzy. But he is affectionately known as Penguin because of his style and gait, says the man. -Are you his new catch? A beautiful stepmother like that, the kids must be happy.
-I'm not...
-Agree to desagree, you are lovely!
-I mean, I'm the au pair.
-Ah, that's better, you're a little young for him. Don't tell him I said that! he said with an exaggerated expression reinforced by his makeup.
-That's a promise. But why are you here?

The man slapped his forehead before saying:
-Silly me! I came to drop off some props for a show I have later...
-Oh! You are one of the performers of the club! Candide realized.

That explains the clothes and makeup!

-Exactly. Not to brag, but I'm the best comedian in town, my jokes are to die for.
-I am sure of it. But Mr. Cobblepot is not here, so...
-Listen, no need to drop them in the house. The garage or garden shed will do. I also admit that I'm in a bit of a hurry. Not only do I have a show tonight but I have to pick up my girlfriend from the hospital.
-The hospital? Is she injured?
-Not for the moment. She's a doctor at Arkham Asylum. Bad pay, bad hours, but the girl's got passion, what can I say? That was the first thing I said to her when we met, by the way. If you're here, you must be a little crazy too, Harley. Today, there was an escape, I can't reach her and I want to make sure she's okay. Some of the cases she's dealing with! Phew, you can't imagine the basket cases! One of them even beat a kid to death with a crowbar.
-God, that's terrible!
-I know. So if you could just...
-It can be deposited in one of the storage rooms. If we do it together it will go faster, said Candide, taking one of the boxes.

*****

-Okay, I think I have all that's left, says Candide holding a panda suit in one hand and a toilet handle in the other.
-Perfect! Just come inside to drop them off, I'm a little busy," said the comedian through the door.

Candide opened the door with her back, before glancing at the room, dropping the objects in her arms.

-So what do you think?" asked the Joker.
-AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

*****

Oswald finds the au pair sitting in the living room, with the baby next to her and a butter knife at hand. The poor girl is pale, trembling and seems on the verge of hysteria.
Thank goodness this is not his first rodeo with someone with a mental breakdown.

-Candide?

The young girl is startled but seems reassured when she sees him.

-Oh thank god, you are here!
-Yes, I finished earlier today. I'll take my son now if you don't mind.
-Of course...

Oswald grabbed Martin before she could finish her sentence.

-May I ask what upset you?
-I...It...I don't...

And she starts crying again. Wonderful. He takes one look at his youngest and swears the baby has a expression of what's her problem? He assumes that it is time to take emergency measures.

-Please take your time, said the Penguin after pouring her a glass of alcohol. -Also why do you have a butter knife with you?

The girl drinks it as if it were water but it seems to help.

-I didn't feel safe without a weapon after what happened but I didn't want something that could hurt someone for real.

Oswald hesitates for a moment between telling her that it's a thoughtful but stupid thing to do, or telling her that he knows people who could easily slice you up with a butter knife. He decides to keep quiet as the girl seems ready to talk.

-There is a man...he said that he, well implies that he works for you as a perfomer. And he has just...
-Can you describe him?
-He...looks like a clown with...
-Green hair?
-Yes! Is he really a...
-No. He never worked for me, he's just .... someone who runs in the same circles as me, sighed the Penguin. -Did you even look at the list I gave you?
-I recognise that I have failed, I understand your anger and disappointment. That is why I believe that stepping down to allow you to find someone more competent than me would be the best solution.
-You only get money for the time you work," warns Oswlad.
-Of course sir, this is perfectly normal. I... I can stay for a fortnight until you find someone else.

But I'm even willing to cut off three of my phalanges if it means you'll let me leave this crazy town now, her face seemed to say.

-Sigh, I'll call the agency tomorrow to see when they can send a replacement.
-Thank you, thank you, thank you, sir!" said Candide, trying to run to her room before the Penguin stopped her.
-We continue our work until we leave, understand?

Candide took Martin in her arms and disappeared without asking for anything else.
Now he had a person to call before the agency.

-Good evening Joker. I'm calling to ask you a little question...WHAT IS YOUR BLOODY PROBLEM WITH MY AU PERS? Oh, you want me to believe it's a coincidence that this is the fourth you've ruined for me? The agency is going to blacklist me! No, you can't sublet Harley to me to replace them...Is this your plan from the start?

Chapter Text

Oswald didn't think he'd get his dream Christmas present this year. Not that he's under any illusions (if there was a Santa Claus, he'd clearly be on the naughty list).

But having all his children around for the holidays was something he always wanted. Not that he doesn't enjoy his time with Ignatius, but he misses the others during the season. But hey, holidays are for mothers. Even if Dad sends them a huge gift every year. So imagine his joy when he learned that life had finally caught up with Crystal's mother. Dying in hospital and only Crystal ready to be there despite all she'd done to her. But not good enough or stupid enough to bring Ethan with her. So he was spending Christmas with him. And Violet had left the twins with him too, to keep their brother company during this difficult time. Officially. Oswald still maintained that perhaps a tantrum or two had helped. And finally, his last addition to his family.

-It's great to have everyone together for Christmas, isn't it, my beautiful boy? Oswald asked the baby. -It's your first one, so we're going to spoil you rotten.
-Dad?

Oswald turns to his eldest son, holding a Christmas card in his hand. This year it's birds drinking wine and appearing to be in a state of drunkenness while a cat looks on from behind a table, licking its lips.
That's lovely, Auntie Constance.

-Shall we do business as usual? Ignatius asked.
-Yes," said Oswald, putting his youngest on his hip before taking the card and throwing it into the fire. -Have your sibling seen it?
-No. The twins are playing...
-With Ethan?
-...No. But I think he wants to be alone. Or just play with Penny.

Oswald sighed before saying:
-What am I doing wrong?
-Nothing. He misses her and he's worried because he knows how this is upsetting Crystal. Listen, I can get them all settled in with me, including Martin in front of a Christmas movie while you make your final calls and Olga finishes preparing dinner.
-And exchange, what do you want?
-Consider it a thank you for when I asked for a gun, you said yes and paid for lessons rather than saying no because I might shoot my eye out.

And they dared to say that he regretted bargaining with his children.

-In addition, one of your friends found the movie! says his son with one of his rare, non malicious smiles.
-Really?

******
The first Christmas with Ignatius was intense. Not the kid's fault. Between the gang wars, the calendar man, Shreck's masquerade ball, finding 7 years of missed presents and Oswald still drinking like a bachelor, he'd started to crash pretty early.

-I'm sorry, my beautiful boy. Your dad's a bit tired...
-And drunk," retorted the amused child.
-I'm not...
-It's no big deal, really. You're not mean or pathetic when you're drunk.
-I'm going to hope that the other drunks you saw were customers of your grandfather's bar.
-Mostly. But I don't want to go to bed just yet," pleaded Ignatius. -Please, I just want to play with my presents and watch a Christmas movie.
-Ignatius, it's getting late anyway. We can tape your movie...
-Please, I'll mute the sound and put subtitles instead. I used to do that with Mum.

Oswald sighs. He spent the evening making sure the Calendar Man's men didn't make decorations with the faces of his waitresses, sending the Falcones, Maronie and other losers crying into their mothers' skirts for daring to try steal his territory, avoids Batman, have too much to eat, too much to drink, it's Christmas and the kid said please. Alright, he's going to retreat for once.

-I've got headphones you can connect to the television. Use this and you're better off brushing your teeth before you go to sleep.
-Thank dad.

******

The movie had been a big hit with him, but neither he nor Oswald had thought to make a note of the name. Also, a funny old Christmas movie about a bunch of students stuck because of a blizzard is a really vague description.

-Perfect, go and see if your sibblings share your tastes. I'll come and join you as soon as I've finished," says Oswald, handing Martin over to Ignatius.

*****

Oswald goes into the living room to see that Ignatius has succeeded in his mission: Ignatius is slumped on the sofa with Martin in his arms and the miracle of Christmas-Hanuka: Addison, Aiden and Ethan laughing together as they watch the movie.

Aww, who says that violent, sociopathic mafia bosses can't make beautiful children?

Suddenly a young girl appears on screen screaming as she is stabbed with a creche figurine to the accompaniment of Christmas carol music.

-Ignatius Edward Oglilvy Cobblepot! What do you think you're doing?
-...Watch the movie with my brothers and sister?

It's not his mocking sarcastic tone, Ignatius' voice sounds legitimately confused.

-Black Christmas? You expect me to believe that was the movie I let you watch your first Christmas here?
-Yeah. And if you hadn't fallen asleep, you could have given me the title.
-Is your summary of the movie Black Christmas is really a funny old Christmas movie about students stuck in a school because of a snowstorm?
-Daddy, it's an old Christmas movie," says Addison. -They say the story takes place at Christmas, and there are lots of decorations.
-And all the girls are really stuck in the dormitories because of the snowstorm. That and trying to find their friend who they don't know the killer has already taken care of, Ethan continued.
-And it's funny!" says Aiden. -Can we finish before dinner? Olga can come and watch with us too!

Has he desensitised his children to violence to such an extent that a movie like Black Christmas is a comedy for them? Or perhaps it's genetic. Nah, Martin's adopted and the baby clearly likes what he sees on screen. Well, maybe he did, but they're desensitised to violence, not abuse. Torturing and killing someone for power, money, revenge and pleasure is acceptable but abusing your partner or your children is wrong, they know that! So, he's still a good dad, right?...Ok, he's a good dad by Gotham's criminal standards, give him that at least!

-I think you're going to have to stop before the end to come and eat...You can finish the movie afterwards.
-Thank daddy!
-My pleasure, my darlings, Oswald says as he walks away, debating whether he should make them watch a more classic Christmas movie afterwards to counterbalance or just accept that Penguin don't make cats.

Chapter Text

-All I ask is that you all be nice," said Oswald.
-We're nice," says Ethan insulted.
-I mean really nice, not just polite.
-Why does she want to meet us?" asked Aiden.
-Because she and I have been dating for a while, to the point where we are considering taking our relationship in a more serious direction. She knows I have children and that you are important to me so she wants to meet you.
-And the have fun marrying my dad, I'll be polite at parties and shoot you if you touch my siblings is not acceptable because...? asked Ignatius.
-Boy, I've been able to prove that between your protection and my desire to fill my loneliness, you win. But I think I've also shown that I don't just invite evil stepmothers into my bed. She's not going to try to replace your respective mothers either, she's just my girlfriend who wants to know the most important people in my life. I hope you are all mature enough to understand this.
-Of course we are, Dad," Addison said, giving her brothers a supportive look.
-Perfect. She's coming next Saturday, then.

*****

And the worst part, Ethan realises. She's actually nice. Oh, she's still a queenpin with a list of murders, trafficking, blackmail and other crimes as long as the arm but it would be a bit hypocritical to judge her on that. Hell, she even showed up with bags of fresh produce because she wanted to cook!

-Here ya go, bambini! Pasta a la Valestra! With my pop's secret sauce! Esther said as she placed the plate on the table.

She is pretty, brunette with dark eyes, tall with a large chest (yes, his dad has a type no matter how much he denies it) and with a pedigree: daughter of Salvatore Valestra, one of the guys who ruled the city with people like Falcone or Maronie before the Freaks in mask replace them. Oh, some still survive like Thorne or Kosov but their past glories were quickly forgotten. For all Ethan could find, she's doing well: She had a symbolic time in prison but who doesn't? Otherwise, she is doing fine and probably the one who survives best among traditionalists. The kind of woman who looks good on your arm at a party, cooks and goes to church but also can execute a man and his whole family if it's to her advantage and doesn't hesitate to do it herself if need be. Aka someone who has everything that each of their mothers lack in one way or another. No, he is not bitter, why do you ask?

-That smells good," says Aiden as Ethan glares at him.
-Thank.
-Esther, my dear you're outdone yourself again, Oswald said with affection.
-Nothing's too good for my Oswald and his littles pulcinos. I even made calamari fritti just just in case.
-Ah, bellissima, you do know the way to this old bird's hearts.
-Gross," Ethan said through his teeth.
-Ethan, if you want to say something, please state it clearly," said Oswald severely.
-I try to eat a more vegetarian diet, it's healthier," says Ethan. -Not sure what I can eat in this.
-Ethan, says the Penguin with a warning tone.
-No problem, says Esther. -I had made a salad too. It was supposed to be for everyone, but if that's the only thing you can eat, take it all," she said as she served Ethan.

He should have said vegan, the teenager thought in frustration. If only he could get support from others. But no! Aiden stuffs himself like a pig and Martin just seems to enjoy being baby by Esther! He hoped at least for the support of Addison and Ignatius but even that was too much to ask.

-The trafficking of classic weapons as well as the more niche one is really our base to stay on top," Addison explained. -It sounds basic but it is something where there will always be demand and the laws have basically become suggestions so the risk is minimal.Add to that the fact that our family offers shelter to the majority of our father's colleagues, forcing them to play nice, and there's a reason Gotham is the city of the Penguin.
-Impressive, says Esther. -It's wonderful to see that you had the same education as your brothers.
-She has as much talent as her brothers, it would be a waste not to cultivate it, says Oswald.
-Thank, Addison said with a blush.
-It's refreshing," continued Esther. -I never wanted to be given anything just because of my name, but there's something truly humiliating about even the most miserable of errand boy getting more respect than you just for being able to write their name in the snow.
-The American mafia stands out as being extremely conservative and male only even today women are reduced to being used for marital alliances, mistresses who can end up having more influence than their legitimate wife or madam, says Ignatius. -Which is a strange quirk considering that many cultures equally patrical, if not more, seem to accept the idea of female in charge if it is often for lack of a better option or because their capacity makes forget their gender. Quick like that, I can set an example: Pupetta Maresca was 16 and 8 months pregnant when she came into charge and made it look easy. Stephanie St Claire was kicking ass as a black immigrant woman in the age of segregation. And the oldest known example is Moll Cutpurse, a woman who ran organised crime in London in the age of William Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth I. She specialised in gambling, prostitution, and especially in providing "male escorts" for older women with money and inattentive husbands. Honestly, they're the only ones still clinging to that, he continued to explain before realizing what he had just said. -Sorry, I'm working on my study project and...
-No, don't apologize, it's really interesting, said Esther. -What are you studying, women's history?
-The boy is studying criminology and I have to say it's money well spent, said Oswald proudly.
-What did you choose as a project? asked Esther.
-I chose the link between organized crime and immigration which shows how by allying minorities and marginal social groups, they prefer to give their support to criminal groups trying to present a form of honor code that gives them trust them unlike the police who abuse them and ignore their problems, Ignatius said embarrassed.

Stop pretending you're a jork when you're clearly just a nerd who does weight training and tell her to get lost, want to scream Ethan. God, when he thinks of all that Ignatius had done to Violet and his mother before he calmed down.

-What about you, Ethan? Your father told me that you were in several programs for the gifted.
-Originally I even wanted him to skip years but his mother objected because she wanted him to stay with his friends," says Oswald.
-Whoa, you acknowledge that she exists! This must be my birthday," says Ethan.
-Ethan Oswald Cobbepot, I have had enough of your insolence in front of our guest! You will...
-Oswald, it's nothing," said Esther. -I was prepared for a little animosity.
-He is not 3 years old, he's 15 . He is mature enough...
-But it's been what, five years since Penny died? I can understand that he misses his mother and that it's not easy to see someone in her place.
-What? Ethan asked in surprise.

His siblings and even his father look as choc as he does.

-Don't be surprised, says Esther amused. -Seeking information about the other before an alliance is common in this field. I'm sure your dad found out a few things about me too. I was a little confused about you. Several women's names so several who have custody rights for all of you even though they only gave birth once, the conflicting dates, several bribes and finally this absolutely beautiful grave for this Penny. And only then did I understand: It was a compromise between recognizing them and keeping them protected, she said, looking at Oswald. -Penny was your wife and the mother of your children. You gave her multiple identities to protect her identity and allow her to disappear with your children in case of danger.

...It's not even a stupid idea, Ethan realizes. Not many people have no problem to taking care of their ex-spouse's children (Violet and his mom rock), his father really has plans to rescue his children if he should die (top quality fake paper) and yes, they are all half-siblings except the twins but it's not so obvious. Ethan and Ignatius can pass for complete brothers (and this has already happened with people assuming that Crystal had him at an obscenely young age), Aiden is as tall as Ignatius (again, his father has a thing for tall women), everyone except Martin has his blue eyes and they all have ticks and expressions of their father. The idea that he and Ignatius take mostly from their mother, Addison from their father, and Aiden as Martin a mixture of the two is perfectly defendable. The idea of Penny being their mother though...It's a bit funny and Ethan decides to play along.

-Yeah, it's been five years since Mom passed away.

His father could stop him but he doesn't. Because that would be coming clean about the fact that he had 5 children with 4 different women not to mention the ridiculous age difference between the twins and Ethan. Also, recognize that he paid the most magnificent funeral possible in the family vault for his pet penguin.Not that Ethan had a problem with it. Penny was adorable and his father had had her for 20 years so he'd known her his whole life. His father, unlike most of his colleagues, is self aware.
Martin looks ready to bite the bullet but Aiden stops him from writing in his notebook. He probably wants to see what happens next. Addison seems to be holding back from stabbing him with a fork only because she knows their father will come up with something worse and Ignatius, oh Ignatius decides if Ethan wants to commit suicide in a big way, he'll supply the gas cans for the bonfire.

-Rival gang, says Ignatius. -She liked to go to the club once in a while and the attention she received there.It was never awkward with my father, at worst she just reminds a girl or two who was his favourite. The details are unclear, but someone took advantage of her being alone to slit her throat. It went so fast, nothing can be done. In a way, maybe that's a good thing. She must not have had time to suffer. She...she had been embalmed that we saw her because the employers and dad didn't want us to see her as...Sorry, it's hard to talk about this.

The best lies have a hint of truth in them. And clearly, Ignatius is thinking of his own mother when he talks about Penny. We might as well follow his example.

-Mom was a penniless emigrant, not to mention the fact that she and my father conceived my brother out of wedlock," says Ethan. -My grandparents were pretty conservators so it didn't go over too well. That's why my brother has our mother's name. After grandma's death, they almost got married but there were complications and I think my mother realized the danger for all of us. Yeah, Addison and Aiden were already on their way by then. And 18 months later, it was my turn to come. I think that after 4 children, my father thought that allowing her to be a stay at home mom while ensuring that we would not lack anything was a better alternative. Mom still wanted him to acknowledge us publicly. She never asked for it for herself though, we were always her priorities. She had a good sense of humor too, telling everyone that my father could find anything in no man's land except effective birth control and that was why Martin was born.

-Quite flattering, I'd say," says Esther. -There is something touching about still appreciating and desiring your partner after so much time, giving Oswald a knowing look.

Holy shit, Ignatius had guessed without knowing it, Ethan realized. Freaks are much more liberated in in their ways and more open to diversity (important word here is more, assholes like Hush still exist). More ambitious, aggressive and bold. For someone who has been stuck for her whole life with something out of her control and is willing to play with fire like Esther, she has a lot to offer. Their father is much more stable than most of his colleagues, both mentally and financially, there is a veneer of respectability and she thought he was a widower with a family who had been in at least an emotionally faithful relationship since his early twenties. He seems at first sight to be what most men like Falcone, Maroni or her own father liked to pretend to be. And as depressing as it sounds, their father may actually be a better spouse and parent than them.

-Well, I'm a romantic and I like my kids...But maybe I spoiled some of my children a little too much, said Oswald.

Translation: Ethan Oswald Cobblepot, I will make you regret having been born.

Martin as if to confirm sign: you're so dead, bro.

-Let's eat before it's cold.

The rest of the evening goes quite well and Ethan even finds himself liking Esther. Sadly, she ends up leaving even though none of them have a problem with her staying the night (okay, the youngest of them is 9...they know what's going on).

-Nostalgia has exhausted me," says Oswald. -I'll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise.
-I trust you," said Esther, stealing a kiss.

Damn, already at I trust you? Why does Ethan have the feeling that he's going to have another baby in this house?

Ethan doesn't really have the opportunity to continue to think as he is seized by the ear.

-OW!What are you...
-In the corner, now," said Penguin in an icy voice.
-Im not eleven any...ow!
-If you think I'm not going to drag you around like this, you have a very bad memory, Ethan Oswald Cobblepot.
-And Ignatius, nothing happens to him? complains Ethan.
-I am of age and no longer live under his family roof," his brother retorted.
-You come to lunch at least once a week and work for Dad!
-Don't worry, Ethan," says the Penguin. -Your brother is going straight to hell after what he just did!
-Yes, but I will have a throne," laughs Ignatius.
-Ignatius Edward Ogilvy Cobblepot, you better be out of my house in the next few minutes or I will deal with you after I am done with Ethan! Don't think your majority is protecting you!
-If it lowers your blood pressure why not? I'll just go and say goodnight to Olga first...
-Don't even think about leaving with the leftovers!
-...Whatever, just choke on it," Ignatius said defiantly, but Ethan couldn't help but notice his brother quickly gathering his things before leaving.

Between that and the expression on the twins' faces, he realises he's in real trouble up to his neck.

****

-How long?" asked Ethan, looking at the wall.
-Until it's time to go to bed," said Oswald.

Ethan is waiting for the rest of the sentence: and that's how it will be for the weekend, the week, the month, ect...
But nothing follows.

-Only tonight?
-Do you want more, boy?
-No, sire, Ethan says, deciding that the wall is the most interesting thing he's ever seen.
-Perfect. Oh, by the way: if you have to stay later at school, ask your sister or brother to call me to let me know.
-You want me to not talk you through the next few days?
-Of course not, my beautiful boy...But it will be more complicated without your phone.
-WHAT?
-Eyes on the wall! Oh, and the same goes for the rest of your eletronics. Be good and you will have access again in a fortnight.
-How am I supposed to do my homework without a computer?
-Use the school's computers early before school starts or after school before the driver comes to pick you up. Sorry, as a parent I think it would be dangerous to let you in without a phone or out at all.
-You're not sorry," Ethan said in frustration.
-You're right, I'm not.

Chapter Text

-I don't want to have this discussion with you! Shouted Ethan.
-That's too bad, Oswald said coldly. -Because you, your brothers, your sister and I are going to talk about this now.
-Isn't Martin a bit young for that? Asked Aiden, looking at the toddler.
-Perhaps," admitted Oswald. - But you're all teenagers or pre-teens, I don't want to wait any longer. They're starting younger and younger these days," sigh Oswald.
-Look who's talking," mocked Ignatius.
-Oh, it was different in my day," Oswald defended himself.
-Dad, we have the Internet now," says Addison.
-Internet?" asked Oswald.
-Ethan managed to get past security so that we could watch videos," says Addison innocently.
-What? says Oswald, looking at the blond child.
-She and Aiden said they'd stop calling me a baby if I did, Ethan defended himself.
-Snitch get stitches, says Aiden.

Oswald sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

-All right, no more choice. Children, the human body is...strange. And the first time you're in this situation you're just...confused. And all you can do is look at the body and ask yourself, where do I start? Not to mention all the fluids and protection to avoid...
-Dad, gross! Ethan yelled.
-Ethan, it's not easy for me to talk about this either! I'm doing my best!
-Why don't you pay someone to explain it to us instead?" asked an annoyed Ignatius.
-Because I'm your father and it's my responsibility! And do you know what? I wish one of your grandparents had done it for me. Yeah, it's...awkward. But it shows that you care about your children and their safety. And if you find yourself in a bad situation. You call me. I don't care what time it is, what state you're in, if you were under the influence, if they's are nice normally, I DON'T CARE! I care about you.

Yeah, Oswald could see himself as a teenager, in a T-shirt and underwear, looking at Ann herself in the same outfit, asking: where do you want to start, darling? It had gone well for a first time, but damn, if it wasn't some strange experience.

-Okay, Dad," says Ethan.
-We promise, say the twins.
-Sure," says Ignatius. -It would be a shame to turn down help.

Oswald looked down at the youngest child.

-You too, my beautiful boy. If the first time doesn't go well, your father will be there for you.

Well, it seemed like a good time to get out the biology books and illustrations.

-All right then, to dismember a corpse you have to start by...

Chapter Text

-Good evening Selina," said Oswald.

Catwoman rushed at him, claws out and he was just quick enough to block them with his umbrella.

-This is not my idea! I told them not to...
-To grab me, drug me and lock me up in your house? continued Selina.
-They drugged you? Is the baby all right?
-Who told you? Catwoman demanded to know, almost reaching Oswald's nose.
-Harley! Who do you think wanted to throw you a baby shower?

Selina calmed down, retracting her claws and leaving Oswald alone.

-Who knows besides you?" asked Selina.
-Pamela and Eddie. Probably others too but these are the only ones I know for sure. As for the rest, you know how Harley doesn't hold grudges and wants to see the best in everyone...
-FUCK!
-Kitten, please sit down. It's not good to...
-I'm pregnant, not crippled, Oz!
-And you just told me that Ivy drugged you. Just sit back and let me get you a drink. I will explain everything.
-Yeah, mocktail, Selina complains while letting herself fall on one of Oswald's sofa. -And I don't need an explanation, just a way to escape.
-Good luck with that, you know how motivated our Harley is. She was still frustrated that she couldn't do it for mine or Ivy's girls.
-She didn't even know you at the time! Pam, it's a miracle we even know her daughters exist. ...And she knows about Ed?
-No and we should ensure that this remains the case. Look, I understand your stress considering who the father is...

-The father, Sam Bradley Jr is...
-I hope you at least slept with the poor guy if you're going to use him to convince the more gullible among us. Personally, I know on who I'm putting my money on.
-We have never been exclusive.
-I hope so. I know he doesn't. Listen Kitten, I'm not that kind of guy but I am not blind either. 6.2, all muscle and that jawline...The rest must be good too because you've been back for a tour several times. Personally, if Black Canary climbs on me, I know I'm going to get screwed in some way but I get screwed by Black Canary first.
-The sad part, you wouldn't even be the worst she had," Selina groaned.
-Feel free to give her my number then. And also if you don't touch mine, I won't touch yours no matter who its daddy is.
-Really?
-Yes. But know that if I were to lose them all, I am perfectly comfortable drowning all the children in this town.
-How can you say things like that and not get to Arkham?" asked Selina more amused than anything else.
-I said all five, that shows I'm a reasonable man, right?
-Can you say the same about others?
-Eddie is one of the few people I have trusted with all my children since they were very little. Ivy, for all her vices, loves children. Jervis is no different. Harley promised herself that she would no longer be an accomplice to child death since her separation from the Joker and has kept her promise so far. Jon...I don't like the guy, I think Eddie can do better...But he's not someone who preys on children on purpose. Harvey, Freeze, Waylon, Arnold, Margaret...I mean if the kid is in the way and when I say kid, I mean a teenager, sure. Joker, Blackmask, White Shark, Basil and that pretencious mummy guy with a trench coat, the further away they are from my children, the better. I have Zsasz on a leash and uh...I don't really hang out with Bane and Firefly. Is there anyone in particular you are worried about? Him maybe?

-Oz, I'm not going to give you anything about him.
-I'm trying to understand your logic! You've clearly passed the date for an abortion so what's next? Shared custody? Will he make you an honourable woman? Or do you have a letter ready for him saying he's a Daddy if anything happens to you? Don't think that all men are as good as I am!
-He's not the father, so it doesn't matter," Selina said coldly. -And you want to have a virtue contest with Batman?
-Not all men react well when they discover they have a love child, even more so when it's because the mother has deliberately hidden it from them. And even when the reasons are understandable, it's time you'll never get back. My ex was afraid that my family would take Ignatius with them to America and never see him again. I understand. Doesn't mean there aren't days I wish I'd known. Because maybe it would have forced me to grow up faster and be in Addison, Aiden and Ethan's lives from the start. To not miss so many first times. That my mother could have been a grandmother and maybe that would have helped her live long enough to know the others. And who knows? Maybe I'd even have married Ane. And believe me, it wouldn't have been a marriage of convenience.

-But maybe you wouldn't have the other 4 otherwise. Not exactly the way they are a least," says Selina.
-Touché. That's why I've really forgiven her. Speaking of which: What is her name and how crazy is she?
-What are you talking about?
-His wife. Fiancée, companion, concubine, baby mama, crazy ex, the other woman. That's who you fear. Oh, that makes so much sense. You never had a problem hanging out with us despite your affection for the bat, and I give him the benefit of the doubt that he won't try to take the baby from you. So what are we left with? The wrath of a wronged woman. I suspect that for them as for us, violence and adrenaline are...aphrodisiacs.
-So what Oz? You're not our straight friend anymore?

-Let's just say I don't believe in the three beers bisexual but I do believe in the after years of trying to chase, torture, maim and kill someone...It gets weirdly intimate. And for that I apologise. Maybe it's another man.
-No, it's a woman," sighed Selina.
-Who?
-None of your business!
-Oh come on, kitten! You owe us that much! It's not Harley and Ivy because sisters before misters. The Carpenter and the Mars Hare don't eat that bread. Roxy is not the jealous type and Orca is happily married. Magpie? White rabbit? The Joker's new plaything?
-Oswald, really!
-I can never remember her name! And you don't want to know what my children call her.
-How do they know her? And I want to know!
-She was in many of the same classes that Ignatius at the university. Tell me who it is and I'll think about it.
-She's that young? And remember that guy whose magic source Ed stole to cure his cancer?
-She is 28 days older than him. And I don't know the Joker's age but I know it's closer to mine than hers. The supposedly immortal guy heads an eco-terrorist organisation and a cult of assassins? My poor girl, don't tell me that Shiva is after you.
-That explains the energy I'm 14 and deep. Sorry, she's a psycho but she's still a baby. And Ivy says he lost the right to call himself an eco-terrorist when he started killing whales. No, it's not Shiva. It's his daughter.
-Not an excuse. Look at me, you, Jon, Pamela, even my boy, we knew better when we were her age and we didn't just hope we'd survive because we thought we were better than everyone else so everything would be fine. Ah at least...WHAT? He has a daughter? And Batman is in bed with her?

-Several even. And he tried to use them as breeding cows. Especially the one that Batman likes.
-Is it a kind of fetish? Is he like Harley with women? He wants to save you?
-Oswald.
-I'm sorry. I understand your reasoning better. Is it wrong if I am happy that his romantic life is worse than ours? And that you would be the madonna rather than the whore. What happens next in this case?
-Not sure. I've been thinking about taking care of them, but with my profession. Maybe I should just give it up for adoption and forget they exist.
-Selina...Can I give you my opinion, please?
-Will you listen to me if I say no?
-You're going to take them with you on a burglary while the baby is still in a nappy?
-No.
-How old then?
-Perhaps never.
-Are you afraid that you won't be able to feed, house and clothe them?
-No.
-I guess you can afford a nanny. Or one of your little street kittens can return the favour by babysitting, considering all you've done for them. You won't always be as present as you'd like, but you're going to be a single parent. Even with two parents, it is sometimes difficult to find the time. For danger, it's Gotham. Whoever you are, bad things can happen. Even if you move to the safest place on the continent with a new identity and never let the kid out of your sight...they might just have a preposition to leukemia and you'll lose them. I saw you with children who were not even yours. Social cases who had literally been thrown out on the street because no one wanted them and somehow you domesticated them. I don't see how you would be a bad parent. You are clearly doing a better job than the sperm donor in any case. How many kids died under his care? And if it's just that you're tired of taking care of kids or like Eddie, you don't trust yourself to have it all the time. Whatever you do, don't put them in the system. For every child who ends up in a happy family, there are 15 who end up in a hell from which they cannot escape. And because you were in it, you will always have doubt.
-I will erase my memory, I have connections for that.

-Well, live with the horrible feeling that you're missing something and maybe you've already been Roofied, that sounds great. I guess acting like Eddie and just giving the child to someone you trust enough to trust with your life is not an option? I mean, okay he could leave his daughter with her mother and their mutual lover, that was an advantage. Don't tell me there isn't one of those stupid boy scouts who can help you! In fact, tell me. I want to know why we, the band of criminal freaks are helping you now instead of them.
-Do you want my baby? Catwoman asked coldly.
-No. I already have 5 children and on bad days I feel like I have 10! The only other child I'm going to have is if I have to adopt my grandchildren because one of my kids managed to get a life sentence.But I could use them against the father...
-Oz.
-I'm joking.

Mostly.

-Look, that's why I changed my mind. Because sending a cheque helps but...if something happens, I can't do anything. And that doesn't mean that nothing bad ever happened even now that I'm involved in their lives. But I can at least be there to help. I have all prepared if something happens to me for their future. I know they are a weakness to me...but I think it's worth it at the end of the day. Just think about it. And remember we had a contingency plan if Harley got pregnant by the Joker. Surely we can recycle that for you.
-I'll think about it...did Harley really throw me a shower?
-You can go and look in the main salon. There's food, presents and I'm sure Harley has prepared a lot of...What do people do at a shower?
-After 5 children, don't you know?
-Ignatius, I didn't even know he existed, Addison and Aiden, their mother and I didn't leave on good terms, Ethan, it seemed like putting the knife back in for his mother so I didn't go and for Martin, you know no man's land, not exactly the best time to celebrate.
-You'll watch me unwrap gifts and play stupid games without alcohol.
-Dear god, why I agreed to it? Oswald groans.
-Or maybe...

****

-But why did she do that?" asked Harley, upset.
-Maybe it was a little too much for her, Harley," said Ed.-She does not like to be in a vulnerable position.
-Take the gifts though, no gene, says Ivy. -And you couldn't hold her back?
-Sorry I drew the line at drugging and holding a pregnant friend against her will," Oswald retorted. -Besides, if someone could untie me, I would appreciate it.
-I'm on it, said Ed.
-Harley, your phone," Ivy remarked.

The blonde picked up the phone before letting out a cry of joy.

-Kitten left a message to thank us for the gifts and...SHE GIVEN ME THE NAME FOR THE BABY!
-You see that she is grateful," said Oswald.
-Want to guess the name before I say it, Eddie? ask Harley.
-Not only do I want to, but I'm sure I can become one in less than three tries," says the riddler proudly.

As he tries his luck, Ivy leans toward Oswald and asks:
-You let her get away, didn't you?
-It was going to be boring and alcohol free. We should at least have strippers invited, it can't hurt a pregnant woman as far as I know.

Chapter Text

-I think they've had enough," says a firm voice.

The Penguin's henchmen look at him hesitantly after seeing the batman.

-They're not dead," said a jaded Penguin.-My staff are just there to ensure the safety of my customers, especially this month. I don't want any fruit pickers in my establishment.
-Fruit pickers?
-I'm old, give me a break. I'm not going to be criticised for using slang against homophobes!
-Let them go, Penguin, or I'll have to intervene," says Batman.
-Sigh, very well. Back to your jobs, everyone!

They're not worth a night in jail or a beat-down.

At least one of his idiots is waiting, seemingly thinking that the bat is going to attack Oswald. Come on, he's had fifteen or so sidekicks, you can't expect him to believe that they were all straight without exception.

Even he's starting to lose patience as he tells the delaying party:
-Leave now and don't do it again.

The fool runs off as fast as his wounded body will allow, while Oswald sneers.

-Was that necessary?
-As a proud father of three children who are part of the Alphabete mafia, yes. I'd have thought you'd appreciate...
-You can't change dead people's minds.

Christ, this guy's preachy.

-It doesn't matter. I'll tell you what. I'll even go out on a limb and make sure it's me who's in charge of these bastards instead of Harley, Ivy, Ed, Crane, Harv...

Oswald stops hesitantly. Does he dare? Why not, at worst he'll just get the brush-off.

-May I ask you something?
-You can try," said Batman, looking at him suspiciously.
-How many of yours are part of the community? I don't want names, it's private, but can you give me a percentage? Because on my side, take out the queers, the Jews and the people with PhDs and you're left with a maximum of 4 people.

It's not that Oswald doesn't have a suspicion about some people, but let's be honest, with everyone's dramatic and in skin-tight outfits, it complicates things.

-All right," says Batman without further ado. -Six in Gotham and for the Justice League, I couldn't give you the exact number, but it's enough for them to have their own team.
-What?
-They're not confined to this one, but it's code name is Justice league queer, explain Batman
-No, no, I think it's good... And the Legion of Doom should step up their game," said an embarrassed Oswald.
-That's always good, but I have to admit that many of your members were outspoken long before we were.
-Hey, you can be whatever you want to be as long as you can defend it, even if it's with a baseball bat," laughs Oswald. -Still, I'm glad my kids don't have to hide.

Ignatius is not ashamed of his lack of interest in sex and his need for deep feeling as an aphrodisiac. Ethan can explore his sexuality freely, with a boy, a girl or anything in between. And his beloved Addison even has a name for what she is: Finsexuel. Basically, they have to look like girls but they don't have to be girls. That's a lot of categories to remember, but that's why the Urban Dictionary exists.

-Me too," says Batman.
-Look, it's not that I don't like us having a happy time for our rainbow kids, but if you stay here, other people will think I'm selling you information.
-They must have suspected it by now," retorted the dark knight.
-You'd force me out? It's in bad taste at this time of year.
-Just go back inside and make sure your guests don't try to do my job.

Chapter Text

Addison watched the show trying to be amused and not jealous. Easier said than done. Would it be simple if she had sisters instead of brothers? Not sure about this.

They were invited by a politician to his house because he wanted to talk business with their father (aka ask for money or get rid of another guy). Since the last governor committed suicide, her father is looking for a new puppet. So they are all here for dinner. Eventually. His father and the politician chat in the office while his wife plays the perfect hostess and live vicariously through her daughters. Because they have three daughters (very pretty, she won't lie) who are glued after her brothers as if they were the last males on earth. What the popular heterosexual female would probably appreciate: what options do you want? The bad boy, the tall dark one or the adorable nerd? And she's sure that Martin will be an equally exciting new flavor in many years. Because the irony was that the children of Oswald Cobblepot follow the same path as his greatest passion: as with the birds, the boys are absolutely beautiful and eye-catching while the girl is ... less interesting and dull.

Speaking of Martin, she hopes he's having fun with the politician's two young sons. Thank God she wasn't relegated to babysitting. So she's sitting in a lounge chair alone, officially reading but watching from the corner of her eye as the girls try to get into her brothers' pants until the men are finished and can go to the table. Could it be more macho?

-Ignatius, I'm starting college this year. Do you think you could help me to get oriented at first? asked Mckenzi.
-Sure, why not?" said Ignatius with an undisguised lack of interest.
-Whoa, you want to start your own business? says Madison. -You're so ambitious Ethan!
-I just want to do my own thing," Ethan says modestly but appreciating the interest.
-You are such a good listener, Aiden," said Makayla. -I feel like I can tell you anything.
-Thanks, I appreciate it," said Aiden, who seemed to appreciate the attention as well, but looked at Addison with concern.

Damn it, Aiden, his twin thinks. Just enjoy the moment! If you keep this up, they're going to think she and he are in an incestuous relationship. Plus, Ethan has the one she thinks has the prettiest girl. Well, back to Sarah Waters now!
Her reading is interrupted by someone sitting at the foot of her chair.

-Martin? Are you okay?
I'm tired of hanging out with Hunter and Walker.Can I stay with you? sign her brother.
-Of course, what would you like to do?
Do you want to swim with me?
-I don't really want to get my hair wet. Anything else?" said Addison.

Martin took a bag out of his pocket.

-Played marbles? Really?
If you don't want to...
-No, it's just that in a world where electronic consoles exist, your enjoyment of marbles is strange.
We all love vintage stuff in this family," Martin retorted.
-True. Besides, I'd kill for my parasol right now.We're dying of heat here.

Martin signals to her to wait and leaves, only to return a few minutes later with a popsicle in his hand.

We share? he signs.
-With pleasure.

Martin tilts the popsicle towards his sister who bite the top.

-Oh honey!

Addison turns to see the politician's wife speaking to her.

-Yes?" said Addison quickly swallowing the piece of ice and hoping that nothing had dripped.
-Do you think this is a good idea?

Now that she thinks about it, Addison recognizes that playing marbles by the pool is pretty stupid.

-Sorry, we'll pick...
-It won't help to stuff yourself.

Addison is suddenly horribly aware of the sticky sugar on her lips.

-I didn't think we were going to have dinner so soon," says Addison.

Just drops the subject, Addison begs and threatens in her head.

-Honey, it's really not healthy to be obsessed with food, the woman said, shaking her head.
-I'm not obsessed with food," Addison said, hating how whiny her voice sounded.

The lady gives her this little smile that says: I don't believe you.

-So how did it get there? she says trying to pinch Addison's hip but the latter hits her hand away.
-Don't touch me, Addison says not knowing if she will bite the woman or start crying if she continues.

She feels like her dress is sticking to her skin. Why did she put on a fucking summer dress like an idiot?

-You know, I'm just trying to help you. Don't you think you would feel better about yourself if you had at least a better silhouette and attitude?

She has the nerve to sound angry when Addison should be the one cutting her throat with a rusty screwdriver. It's really tempting right now. And for that she picks up her stuff and leaves. Because it would be in bad taste to kill the bitch married to the man making a contract with her father.
Not because her eyes are wet.

*****

Addison gasped as she heard someone banging against the tinted window of the car.

-It's only me," said Oswald, opening the door.
-Oh dad," Addison said, trying to get her best poker face on. -I don't feel very well, I would like to remain...
-After what happened, it is quite understandable, Oswlad said as he came to sit next to his daughter. -Ethan started recording as soon as she opened her mouth. You know that's not true? You are not obese. You are just built in a curve. You take care of yourself, you exercise...You were just sharing a treat with your little brother, for God's sake!
-I know," says Addison. -It's just...
-Tough. I know. And as a woman, it's probably worse for you than it was for me.
-Who cares how I look? I'm just going to be an old bitch crime lord who feeds my dogs the hearts of my enemies and the wine aunt of my nephews born from the marriages of my brothers for alliance of power.
-Sounds like a good plan," Oswald said, tucking back a lock of Addison's hair. -But don't deprive yourself of love for that. I see how you've been looking at the other girls lately and I want you to know that you're as good as they are. You don't have to be jealous...
-I am not jealous!
-This is normal, my little dove. I had my moments too because of my insecurities...
-I'm not jealous of the other girls, I'm jealous of my brothers and the attention girls give them!

Addison realised with horror what she had just said when she saw her father's monocle fall out in surprise.

-I didn't think it was going to be you, Oswald said after a moment.
-What?
-Statically, there was going to be at least one of you who wasn't going to be straight. But I didn't think it would be you.
-Aiden or Martin? Or you saw it coming for Ethan?
-Do you know something I don't? And although it's true that genetics play a role in this, Crystal was pretty fluid when we first met.
-We don't talk about our preferences among ourselves," says Addison.
-If you've confided in anyone then it's Aiden. And no, it was Ignatius. Your brother didn't show interest in anything until the little Isley girl. I'm not even sure he likes girls, I think he just likes this one. Well, it doesn't matter. As long as one of you makes me a grandfather, you can be with whoever you want.
-Aiden wants some. And yeah, he knows.
-Is he the only one?
-Yes...you don't throw that in mom's face!
-I wouldn't dare force you to come out when you're not ready.

But he will have zero problem rubbing it in Violet's face post comming out.

-So are you a lesbian?
-Uh, not sure. I mean, like girls, I'm sure about that part. It's more the boys I don't know if I'm just more demanding or if it's not for me.
-All right. You experiment with them during university and tell us what comes of it...You weren't worried about me being angry, were you? Oswald asked suddenly worried.
-No. I just...didn't want it to be weird, says his daughter, looking at the floor.
-I thought I had reacted well when your brother told us he was exploring.
-Ethan almost made out with a psychopath. In Gotham, it's basically like drinking three beers and starting to kiss someone of the same sex because Hayley Kiyoko is playing. Everyone and their mom does it.
-Oh, my little dove, he stole your thunder, didn't he?
-No! But...maybe the fact that he talks about it like it's nothing when I can't figure out how to say it...
-However, it doesn't change anything between us. I'm even going to do exactly the same thing with your girlfriends that I had planned to do with the boys that would make you cry.
-Thank you but I can do it myself, said his daughter finally giving him a real smile.
-Also, listen to me, you're perfect. But I am your father so I may not be very objective. There's one thing I know experience is hard to live with," Oswald said, tapping his nose. -It wasn't really an option when I was young, never mind how expensive it was and now it's kind of my trademark. But it's different for you. If you want to do it when you're 18, then we'll do it the day after your birthday. I warn you, it's going to be long, uncomfortable and you might get a Roman nose instead. But it's doable if you want to. But it's for you, only for you. I don't care about the nonsense of loving yourself, that's easy to say when you weren't born with a nose like that. And the opposite is true. If you like being unique, then that's fine too. Got it? I want this to be the decision that makes you happy.

-Okay, I'll think about it," says Addison. -Dad, I know it's rude but can I stay in the car or just take the bus home?
-Well, if you can wait five minutes, we'll all go home.
-No, you don't have to refuse an offer just because...
-No, I'm not doing business with someone who insulted my daughter! And even without that, I wasn't planning to accept anyway.
-Why?
-The election season has just begun. And we never accept the first offer.Especially something so uninteresting. Did he really think I'd bend over backwards to save a 2%? But you don't refuse the meal though. Well, maybe tonight we should. I think they'll be very busy for the next few hours," said the penguin with a toothy grin.
-I have tried my best to treat you like your brothers, my dearest daughter. But I confess that I still appreciate the gentleman's art of defending a woman's honour. Value that has rubbed off on your brothers.

****
After Addison left.

Cold anger overtook Aiden as he saw his sister leave the garden in disarray. He wanted to rush towards the woman who had hurt his twin but his two brothers held him back.

-Not in public, Aiden," Ignatius whispered to him.
-I sent this to Dad," Ethan said, quickly tucking his phone into his pocket.
-Your sister is a bit sensitive...

Makayla stops when she sees the look Aiden gives her.

-I mean my mom just wanted to help...

One of her sisters signals her to be quiet. Martin arrives at the same time to rush into Ignatius' legs.

-What do you want, pic? asked his older brother.

Martin showed his notebook. Ignatius tore out the page and passed it to his younger brothers.

-What is it? Madison asked before Ethan crumpled up the paper and handed it back to Ignatius.
-My little brother wants to surprise Addison to make her feel better," says Ethan.
-Aw! It's so cute! What are you thinking?" asked Mckenzi.

Martin looks at the girl coldly before leaving without a look at her.

-It won't be a surprise anymore if we say it," Aiden replied. -I'm sorry I was rude to you," Aiden said to Makayla as Ignatius burned the paper with his lighter.
-No, it's nothing.
-Maybe you can make it up to the lady somehow, Ethan said.
-Do you have a quiet place to go ?" asked Aiden with his best smile.
-I'm also interested," says Ethan.

The two sisters do not need more, taking the brothers with them.
Mckenzi looks back at Ignatius hopefully.

-Sorry love, I've already got someone. But I have something else to offer you if you want," he said, pulling a joint from his jacket.
-Oh, which supplier is it from?
-My girlfriend grows it but it's pretty close to the Twin Peak, if you like it.
-Never tried it, I'm more of a Reefer Madness consumer.
-Good taste, but I think you might have a new favourite," said Ignatius following the girl.

When they are all gone, Martin can finally take action. He still has the popsicle that has started to melt in his hand. He kneels down and starts stirring the water with it.

-Hey, what are you doing? Stop!" the politician's wife shouts, but Martin ignores her.
-I said, stop that right now," she said, running in his direction.

You should never run around a pool, it is dangerous. Especially if you have heels on and there are marbles around.
The woman loses her balance, hits her head on the edge of the pool and falls into the water. Martin barely reacts to the sound. He abandons the popsicle in the water and goes without stress upstairs to inform his father and the woman's husband of the incident.

*****

-She's alive but who knows what condition she's in with the minutes her brain has been without oxygen, says the Penguin. -Well, at least maybe it would give him some sympathy votes.
-What a bunch of old-fashioned idiots, said Addison despite being unable to hide her smile.

The door opened and the boys went inside.

-Sorry, that was a little long, we wanted to make sure we didn't forget anything," said Ethan.

Martin quickly pointed to his filled marble bag and put it back in his pocket with a smile.

-How are you feeling?" asked Aiden, looking a little worried.
-Better, thank you," replied his sister.
-So I don't want to be tasteless," says Ignatius. -But where are we going to eat?

Chapter Text

-Mister Cobblepot?

Oswald turns his attention from the birds he was feeding to look at the warden.

-Yes?
-Your visitor is there.

Oswald sighs. Ignatius has arrived. Not that he really wants to see him, but it takes what it takes. Oswald signals to the birds to disperse since they are free unlike him before extending the wrists for the transfer.

****

Oswald heads for the room he has reserved. It's better than the glass or even the table where he would be handcuffed. A semblance of normality: A table without handcuffs, two chairs and a window. With the guard at the entrance but it was better than nothing. He went to his son before he realised the problem.

-Hi dad!
-Ethan? What are you doing here? Where is Ignatius? Is he all right?
-Came to visit you, probably in the prison parking lot and yes, I think he's fine.
-All right, let me rephrase that. Why are you here instead of your brother, Ethan Oswald Cobblepot?
-Because it's been almost a year since we've seen each other, dad" says Ethan with an expression that is a mixture of confusion, sadness and anger.
-Young man, we had a discussion a long time ago about having tantrums in public space and the consequences that would follow. Do you remember or do I have to refresh your memory?
-No, sir.
-Good. Guard?" asked Oswald, snapping his fingers.
-Yes, Mr. Cobblepot?
-Can you get tea for my son in the directors' office?
-I can ask for some, says the guard before speaking on his radio.
-What?" asked Ethan.
-I had asked for coffee for your brother but since you are here and prefer tea, I have to ask for a change. And it's going to be a basic thing in a bag.Don't expect a wide range of options, we'll be lucky if there's even green tea.
-Sure.

The guard returned five minutes later with a cartoon cup of tea, which he placed in front of Ethan before returning to his post.

-Thank you.
-How did you even get in?" asked his father.
-I just showed up as Ignatius Ogilvy-Cobblepot and they let me in.
-Ethan, I know people have already remarked that for half-brothers, you and Ignatius look a lot alike. You are blond, you have blue eyes, you are tall, you are responsible for most of my headaches...But I think the fact that you are much younger, 6 rather than 6.3 and slender while your brother has a boxers physique is noticeable!
-Maybe the photo in their file was wrong, Ethan says smugly.

Translation: I changed the picture in their files, maybe even the information.

-Boy, you make my life difficult. But you leave us no choice. Any chance they left you something to take notes on?
-No, Ethan says uncomfortably.
-All right. You are the best of my children academically.In general, it means being good at retaining information and solving problems. So try to remember what I'm about to tell you and communicate it to Ignatius.
-I can do that," Ethan assured.

*****

-Okay, your system is a mess," Ethan complains.
-No, it doesn't," said the Penguin icily. -It's complicated, it's true, but if you know it, it works very well. That's why I wanted to see Ignatius today, because he knows the system inside out.
-Well, at least we know that's why rather than because he's your favorite," Ethan grumbled. -It's only been a year since any of us have seen you.

Oswald takes a deep breath and asks himself if his son will ever appreciate the fact that Oswald had opted for gentle parenting rather than the old fashioned way. Then he turned to the guard:
-Can you go and see if our food is ready? Now? asked the Penguin with a tone implying that refusal was not an option.

The guard left quickly and Oswald resumed:
-You think that's hard, Ethan?
-Your attitude is helping to settle this," his son retorted.
-Have you even considered the possibility that maybe I don't like you being here?
-Why?" asked Ethan.

Rather than being angry, the question made Oswald feel tender. Ethan may be annoying but it comes from a good place.

-Don't you think it's a bit grim coming to visit me in prison?
-Of all the things in your professional life, this is the one thing you don't want us to see? Ethan asked confused.
-That's at least one thing I don't want you to see that I can control," Oswald replied.
-Mister Cobblepot?

The guard was back with a tray and paper bag.

-Ah, lunchtime! It's about time.

The bag was placed in front of Ethan.

-You didn't have to order me anything, I could eat the food they have...
-I'm not letting you put this in your body, Ethan! It's vile and there's a reason that the majority of my meals come from the commissary. I just hope that the director's lunch will be to your liking.
-Did you bully the warden for his lunch? Ethan asked stunned.
-My taxes pay for his take out.

Ethan almost asks him when exactly was the last time he paid taxes but holds back. It's always with monetary crimes that they get guys like his dad so let's not tempt fate. He decided to open the bag instead.

-Oh, Banh mi! Thank you dad. What will you be eating?

Oswald pushed his plate towards Ethan to show him:
-It...It looks very yummi. I thought you didn't like ramen?
-No, it's only slightly better than it looks. Because that's the basis of my prison diet. Your father can afford the luxury of oysters in cane and some vegetables through his connections to the kitchens which are mostly onions, jalapeños, leftover lettuce and herbs that a good soul grows in exchange for protections. Speaking of which.

The Penguin turned his attention to a plastic bag filled with an orange liquid with a straw stuck in it. He took a sip, testing the liquid before saying:
-That's better, I don't think anyone will get stabbed in the shower this week.
-Why is your juice in a plastic bag?
-It is pruno or prison wine if you prefer. It is to its manufacture that all portions of fruit that can be found go.
-Is it good?
-This one is of good quality but that still means tasting like bile-flavoured wine cooler. This is on what I survive, Ethan. And my situation is better than the majority of people here, I am aware of that. I have my own private cell with a toilet just for me, a microwave, a window, I can come and see people in this room, work from a distance and even get some gifts on occasion. I'm still locked up, I don't sleep well, I have to deal with the eco-system of Blackgates on top of everything else, I worry about everyone outside, I feel absolutely disgusting...
-You don't look disgusting and even if you did,we don't care ...Ethan tried to say.
-I do. And Ignatius only comes out of necessity.
-Necessity?
-People ask less questions when my eldest son comes to visit me than say one of my associates. And I can make sure that everything goes well with him.
-Are you afraid he will steal your business while you are here?
-Of course not, I trust your brother.
-...Ok.
-But he has a lot to deal with in my absence in addition to the usual. There's his studies, the manor, he probably can't see his girlfriend as much as he'd like...
-Couldn't Thorn have just come to the mansion while you were gone?" asked Ethan. -I mean, if Thorn stays just to occupy their apartment...
-No. She has no one to look after her plants in her absence and I'm afraid they won't get along with the birds. Ignatius also suggested after we knew that it would take longer than usual to stay with Martin to keep a semblance of normality. It was very generous of him and honestly, if he had come back to me after a month and said it was too much for him, I would have understood. He doesn't always show it, but he cares about you," says Oswald. -Remember that when he gives you the smackdown you deserve on the way out.
-Ignatius may be physically stronger than me, but I've learned several martial arts, whereas his technique is to just hit something until it stops moving.
-In that case, there's nothing to fear," Oswald said mockingly. -Also, I just don't like having you here because it's a prison, Ethan. There are people who have nothing to lose and may have a desire for revenge, a riot may start or even just the process. I don't like the idea that some overzealous guard with something to prove decides to search you.
-No one will do that after Ron's incident, the guard assured.
-Good," said the Penguin, smiling, and Ethan saw the guard shiver.
-Mom and Violet try to check in with them every once in a while, Ethan says.
-I know and I appreciate it. Sigh...I don't think there's much more we can do.
-I'm sorry, sir.
-I don't care, I just don't want you to do it again," Oswald said sternly.

Ethan starts to deconstruct his sandwich.

-What are you doing now?" complained Oswald.
-Give you fresh vegetables to complete your meal.

He's a brat but his heart is at the right place," Oswald reminds himself.

-Thank you," said Oswald, holding out his plate. -I don't think we'll be able to work any more but there's still half an hour left on the visit. Do you have any news to tell me?
-What do you want to know?" asked a confused Ethan.
-Whatever you like: you, your siblings, the school, your mother, one of your new projects. I'm all yours.
Oswald almost laughs at Ethan's expression. There are 6 year olds to whom you tell that they are going to Disneyland that they look less happy than their son at that moment.

****

Ethan walked to the car park and recognized his brother's car. Ignatius is leaning against it, smoking.

-Hey Ig...
-Do you have any idea what you have done?" asked Ignatius.
-Yes, Dad explained to me why it's always you who comes. I won't do it anymore.
-Do you think that's enough? I've wasted the day arguing with the prison staff and waiting for you!
-I wanted to give you the notes I retained, but we can work out our differences first if you want," Ethan said menacingly.

Ignatius glared at him before saying:
-I have other fish to fry. Not to mention I'm gonna get yelled at if I don't take you back to Crystal.
-I came here alone, I can...
-Because after that, you think we're going to leave you unattended? Rather than talking nonsense, why don't you make yourself useful and help me find the notebook for the information?

Ethan almost blew him off, but remembering his father's comments, decided to give in:
-Okay, what does it look like?
-Just a little black book. I'm going to search the glove compartment, can you look in the trunk? Ignatius asked as he opened it.
-Sure.

Ethan had barely bent over when he was pushed in and the trunk closed.

-HEY! LET ME OUT!
-I said I'd take you home to your mother, I never said you'd be sitting in the car," said his older brother.
-You dirty hypocrite! You are claustrophobic and you do this to me?
-I am not claustrophobic, it's the combination of lack of space and light that is my problem. And I leave you a glow in the dark squishies.
-So fucking generous!
-Yes, I am. If you can give me most of the information I need, I'll take you straight home rather than stopping half way to do my grocery shopping.
-You want me to remember all this while you drive me around in the trunk of your car?
-Ethan, you stole my identity, hacked into police files and got into a maximum security prison without getting caught. Of course I think you can do it!

Chapter Text

**Martin**

Oswald felt something crawl into his bed.

-Martin? he asks half asleep.

The toddler continues to crawl towards his father before clinging to him.

-Did you have a nightmare?" asked Oswald.

He feels the child shaking his head negatively against him.

-Is something wrong?" asked Oswald, taking the child's hands to see if he would sign the answer.

He signs cold.

-All right, then. Stay here and we turn up the heat in your room tomorrow," Oswald said, settling back with his youngest curled up against him.

Everyone always seems to think that having a child with a disability is a burden. This may be true for some, but in the early years, Oswald didn't think it was true. In some ways he found Martin easier than the other four. And that's where he blames the following. Because Martin literally cannot make a sound where others would have coughed, grumbled, moaned or done something similar.
No, here Oswald was made aware of the situation when he felt a burning jet that woke him up.

-What the hell!

Oswald turns on the lamp to see the damage. The bed, his person and Martin are covered in vomit. The toddler is crying and Oswald thinks that if he didn't have servants, he would be tempted too.

-Shhh, I didn't mean to shout, my beautiful boy. It's nothing serious, it was an accident, I'm not angry, it's not your fault you're sick, Oswald says.

But if it gets out that Martin picked this up at the daycare, someone will lose custody of their kid.

-We're going to clean up you and me, then move to a guest room, Oswald continues as he picks him up (he keeps some distance because he doesn't need any more bodily fluid on his person).

Martin seems to calm down and gives a sign at Oswald to together.

-Yes, Oswald concedes.

That no one dared to say that he loves him less than his biological children after that.

**Ethan**

-Ethan, open your mouth," Oswald said sternly.
-I don't need you to take my damn temperature," the teenager growled.

Ethan is pale, has dark circles under his eyes and, according to Olga, has not eaten anything all day.

-Ethan, I've seen people poisoned who look better than you do right now. So open your mouth so I can take your temperature or else...
-Or what?" Ethan challenged.
-Or, we will use the baby thermometer.
-...You're messing with me?
-Am I known for my idle threats, son?

After a moment's hesitation, Ethan opened his mouth.

-Good kid. Under the tongue and no biting," said Oswald, placing the thermometer in Ethan's mouth.

Ethan tries to obey but less than 10 seconds later, his gag reflex abandons him and Oswald has just enough time to put the trashcan under his son's face as he starts to vomit.

-Sorry, son, we're going to use the baby thermometer," Oswald said in a surprisingly sincere tone.
-Dad, please don't...
-It goes in your ear, Ethan!

Oswald has to hold back when he sees his son's embarrassed expression.

-I'm not a monster, just a worried father," said Oswald before installing the thermometer.

When the thermometer rings, Oswald looks and grunts.

-Look," said Oswald, showing his son.
-Oh.

Almost 40.6°.

-Do you still think it's nothing?
-No, sir. I'm going to get dressed for the clinic...
-Ethan, put your socialism in your pipe and smoke it for once! Stay down and I'll call a doctor, understand? Oswald said in a softer tone.
-Yes, Dad, said Ethan deciding that maybe canceling plans and being babied isn't so bad.

**Ignatius**

-Well? asked Ignatius.

Oswald looks at the thermometer hesitantly. There is perhaps one thing where he is a wet towel for with his children and that is when they are sick. When you grow up with a mother who was afraid you would get sick as a child and you have a family with a history of serious health problems (even if in his father's case he helped a little), it will leave its mark. So he doesn't take any chances. So if they say they feel sick, we check and take care of the problem even if it's just a little cold. But in return for this trust and compassion, Oswald expects them to NEVER pretend to be ill. And for a rare occasion, he has doubts. Ignatius does not look sick but his temperature is high. Since he has been raising him, he knows how his son behaves when he is ill.

-Look, just call to say I'm going to miss the first period and try to get to the rest of my courts," said his older son. -I just feel a bit drained.
-Very good, says Oswald. -Get some rest, I'm going to check something.
-Dad, remember that every time you type symptoms into a search bar it turns into cancer.
-I just want to know if I can give you anything to help. Sleep in the meantime.

&&&&

-Ignatius?
-It's already noon?
-No. But look what I found," Oswald said, showing the thermometer. -It's broken.
-Really?

He has a good poker face, Oswald will give him that.

-Yes, I think that's why your temperature seemed a bit high for your condition. Don't worry, I went and bought a new one. We're going to take it again.
-Okay, no problems.

Oswald felt the thermometer and Ignatius' expression changed.

-I think you have the wrong model.
-No. The lady at the pharmacy said it was the model with the least chance of error. You know that's the one they use to determine when someone has died in an autopsy? Oswald says candidly.
-...Do I need to remind you of my age?
-Oh, I am aware of that. You can do it yourself under the blanket. I'll wait.

And Ignatius realized that he was between a rock and a hard place.

&&&&

-I hate you," growled Ignatius.
-Less than the ethics court, says Oswald. -Is the teacher that mean to you?
-I needed an alibi, there are you happy now?
-Depend. Why did you need it?
-Ok, I hate the ethics teacher and his thing is always to take people he considers bad examples to shows his point. Let's just say my name comes up a lot. And I was curious to know that eye drops are as dangerous for consumption as they say. I managed to put it in his cachou milk that he is the only one to drink in the teachers' room. I just didn't want to be there if it went wrong on the first day.
-And if you were sick as a dog, it couldn't be traced back to you," sighed Oswald. -You will get your a doctor's note and you can play hooky for today.
-What?
-I think you've been punished enough," said Oswald. -And not to mention that your temperature is indeed a bit high.

Probably due to stress and embarrassment rather than a bug though.

-Get some rest, will you? Oswald patted Ignatius' lower back causing the teenager to stiffen and yelp in surprise.

**Addison**

-How are you?" asked Oswald, leaning towards his daughter.
-My back and stomach still hurt," says Addison.
-I'm sorry to hear that, my little dove," said Oswald, running his hand through his daughter's hair.
-It's nothing. It's just weird because I'm really hungry.
-Would you mind if I asked Olga to make you some crab cakes? Would that help?
-Me and Aiden aren't supposed to eat it.
-But it would at least help your morale?
-...Yes

&&&&&

-Addison? Addison, I want you to come and eat at the table even if...

When Oswald opens the door and Addison's room is empty except for...an extremely large amount of blood in the bed.

-Jesus, Addi...
-It was an accident, Dad.

Addison stands in the hallway, her pajama bottoms stained red and a small bag in her hand.

&&&&

-What do you mean, normal? It looks like a crime scene and she is 10 years old!
-In general, it is around 12 years old but technically it can happen anytime between the ages of 8 and 16," said Violet. -And for the quantity it may depend, do you have a rough idea?
-My guess is that the last time someone lost this much blood without dying, my people gave them his own religion!
-It's hardly more than a cup of coffee, Mr. Cobblepot," said Olga.

Oswald manages to control his desire to throw the phone in her face because 1) given her talent for cleaning up murder marks, she's probably right and 2) she's the closest thing to a grandmother his kids have and they won't forgive him if he kills her.

-The maid said about a cup of coffee, so that means between 50 and 80 ml? said Oswald.
-So, it's normal," says Violet. -I would have thought it would take more to impress you.
-Normally, it doesn't come from one of my children," Oswald replied dryly.
-Look, if you want me to come and get her...
-But what is this obsession with the idea that I can't take care of my own children?
-You called me and said you wanted to take her to the emergency room. Look, the majority of men are not comfortable with this, so no judgement on that. Can I please just talk to my daughter to make sure she's feeling well?
-Addison, your mother," said Oswald, handing her the phone.
-Hi, mom.

Oswald decides to leave the room while they finish their discussion.

&&&&&

-Dad?

Her daughter has changed her clothes (no visible blood) but she seems worried.

-Everything went well with your mother and...er...setting up your equipment?
-My pad?
-Just yes or no. If not, you can ask a...
-Nah, I'm good.

Thank God or Satan, whoever is in charge of his case.

-Mom told me what to do if it happened. Aiden too so he could help me or someone else if it happened.
-That's very thoughtful of her.

Oswald is not even lying.

-I'm a woman now," says Addison with pride.
-Take it easy young lady, we're not going to let you drink wine and smoke because you've started puberty.
-But I could have my ears pierced, right?
-No...
-But Dad...
-The last thing I need is for you to pass out because you're running on a third of your blood. But by our next weekend together, we can work it out.

**Aiden**

-No!" shouted Oswald.
-But dad...tries Aiden.
-Aiden Herman Cobblepot, your appendix has exploded!
-It's not even a vital organ, they'd have taken it out of me eventually anyway,” complains the teenager. -Did you see what I did to the other guy?
-Well, the other guy hasn't been told by the doctor not to move for the next 2 weeks,’ says Oswald.
-I'm feeling ok...
-Yes, because your father made sure you had the best painkillers. But they don't protect you from harm! Try to keep yourself busy in the meantime.
-How?
-Really, son? Go to your computer and waste some time, read a book, spend some time with our pets, talk to someone, watch one of the platforms I pay exclusively for you! It can be a porn movie if that's the only thing that works! Oswald said, throwing a remote control.

Aiden catches it without any problem (this is a good sign).

-I think I'll see if they have a dark reboot of something stupid.
-Do that," said Oswald, deciding that he could work while watching his son from a distance.

After a short moment of peace, Aiden breaks the silence:
-Hey, look they made an adaptation of your book!
-I didn't know I had written a book.
-I mean the book you always bring with you to prison.
-Raffles? Oh, there have been several movies based on these books. But all of them were even before I was even born...
-Well, it looks like HBO decided to fix it," says Aiden. -It came out this year.
-...Does it look good?
-The casting looks good. Want to watch?
-Just out of curiosity.

&&&&&

Aiden thinks it was a great idea to watch the movie. Well, it sucks, but his father is hillarent.

-I'll kill him if I get the chance," said Penguin with a dismayed expression. -Why didn't they just piss on EW Hornung's grave?
-It's kind of lame...
-Lame? They turned Raffle into a goody two shoes! If you don't want someone who steals for profit and pleasure, go read Arsène Lupin or the Saint with their totaly altruistic reasons! And poor Bunny. He was a kinder, more optimistic person, but he wasn't a naive idiot, for God's sake! And somehow, a Victorian man managed to write female characters more capable, intelligent and willing than the adaptations of our modern times where we have to make do with hysterical prostitutes who are useful as sandbags in the desert.
-In retrospect, I should have seen it coming considering who the producer is," says Aiden. -His biggest success is Sci Spy and Three little kittens.
-And what is it about?
-Sci spy basically James Bond in space which on paper should be awesome but finds a way to be lame. And the three little kittens...I think that's the closest thing to a porn movie you can get while staying 13+. Also, Selina, Holly and Eiko should sue for image rights.
-They can't. You have to be a known legal identity to get money," explained Oswald. -So someone who messes up an idea that should have appealed to everyone and creates a first preteen masturbation tool is the qualified person to adapt a classic piece of literature that was the first work to write a sympathetic criminal protagonist. Sounds like the right guy for the job! Besides in this modern sensibility era demands representation everywhere, I don't understand why you didn't take the advantage here.
-Making the Jewish guy not a horrible stereotype?
-That would have been nice too. But no, I was talking about the fact that the inspirations for Raffles were Oscar Wilde and George Ives who was known for defending gay rights...
-Wait he and his friend are really supposed to be a couple? They don't seem like it because everyone in these books has more chemistry with their best friends than romantic interests?
-A bit of an extrapolation here, son.
-Barely. But I should have seen it coming. Who calls his friend Bunny?
-That's another name for a bad cricket player...

Oswald explains the various backgrounds of the time for about 10 minutes before realizing that Aiden has fallen asleep.

-Well, at least you're not complaining about being bored any more.," Oswald said in frustration.

He goes to shake him but he stops himself. It reminds Oswald of watching films with him as a toddler. Aiden would make the sounds at the same time as the actions in the film: punch bang, gunshot pop, throat slice squish and once dramatic music. And believe it or not, Oswald loved it. Oswald wishes he could take him to his room as he used to be but Aiden has managed to be even more massive than Ignatius growing up. Violet must have had strongmen in her family tree.
No problem. It won't be the first time he's made a comfortable nest for one of his kids on the sofa.

Chapter Text

At the time, Oswald thought it was a good idea. Playing it off as a ridiculous idea, but letting them know that a bunch of mob bosses were playing matchmaker. And despite Aiden's pleas, refuses to say who, how much or what's on offer for them. It's just icky, honestly.

Of course, Addison is the most popular. She's his only daughter. And among Mafia families, the tendencies are... traditional. Marrying one of their daughters to one of his sons will give them an alliance and protection... But technically, they are joining his family and therefore their family is submitted to him. But if they marry one of their boys to his daughter, then she comes with the Cobblepots dowry to join them. And after that, an accident happens so quickly, 4 even, and voila, his empire is theirs! Jesus, he may be a nouveau riche among mafiosi, but he's not stupid! Or cruel, at least to his children. Ann, Selina and a few others had already started working on him but becoming Addison's father is what really made him rethink his policies. There was no question of treating Addison any differently to her brothers. She didn't just have his nose, she had his brain too. His ambition, his savagery, his gift for manipulation and much more. This potential must not be squashed. Unfortunately, she also has some of his faults, such as dysmorphia and insecurity. They seem less intense on her despite her being a woman. He likes to think it's mixed of the fact that she's stronger and everyone around her doesn't judge her for it.
What he means is that it pisses him off that Dragos Ibanescu showed up here with two of his bastards.

*****

-Addison Cobblepot is requested at the Director's office.
-What the hell? Addison said in shock.

She didn't have a brown nose, but she wasn't a petty delinquent either...Ok, she's blackmailing at least 2 of her teachers but it's not like they found out it was her, she's only asking for money or stuff for the whole class (they need boxes of free tampon in the restrooms !).

-Do you want me to come with you?” asked Aiden.
-Aiden, we're in high school, I don't think they'll let us. I'm a big girl, what's the worst that can happen?
-Call dad?
-Fair point.

*****

-Come in,” says Director Hammer.
-Good afternoon,” Addison said as she came in. -You asked for me?
-Ah miss Cobblepots...Look, I know your father is a... complicated man. I'm grateful that he's so involved in his children's student life while trusting our administration.

Translation: I really like that your father pays to send you here and only comes to cause trouble when something serious happens rather than the majority of parents who make threats because their kids are failing math because they never come to class.

-But I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your family activities outside of school, he continues, taking something out of his desk. -We have received this for you.

Oh no, someone sent a severed finger to school! thinks Addison.
But that's not what the director pulls out of his desk.

-...Flowers and chocolate?” asked a confused Addison.
-Look, this isn't my first rodeo; Ivgene, Dubez, Tzu, Maroni, Falcom...People like you start young.
-Excuse me? says Addison, forgetting who she's talking to because of the perceived insult.
-Look, take this and go home and talk about it with your father or even those ...Ibanescu, read the director.
-You're letting me skip class?
-I don't want a full grown mobster who isn't a parent on school property,” says the principal flatly. -Plus, you've got music and geography this afternoon. You've got excellent marks in the first, and will the second really help you in the future?
-Sigh...Only at Gotham.

****

-Well?” asked Aiden.
-I'm going to the Iceberger Lounge,” says Addison.
-What?
-The director has given me permission to miss this afternoon's classes. Hey, do you think you could get Ethan to run some names for me?
-Sure but...
-I'd be careful, but I really need the names, please,” says Addison to her twin.
-Sigh...I'll text you the info as soon as he finds it, I promise, Aiden said.
-Thank

Addison grabs her coat, her bag and heads for the school entrance, where Lark should soon be picking her up with the car.

****

-Do you know what? It's my fault,’ says Oswald. -I don't know why I assumed someone like you understood the word no.
-Come on, Oz...began Dragos.
-It's either Mister Cobblepots or The Penguin, take your pick.
-Look, I understand, you're a doting daddy to your little girl.

Yirk, Oswald is a powerfull and full grown man and he thinks the way Dragos says ‘daddy’ is creepy...he can't imagine how it sounds in a woman's ear.

-Exactly, she's still a little girl and we're in one of the rare states where child marriage is illegal even with the consent of parents that neither her mother nor I would give anyway, so...
-We can wait 2 years,” says Dragos. -It might give you, your ex and little darling time to get to know my boys!

Oswald gave a look of disgust to the 2 men sitting with them at the table before saying:
-I said no to Sofia Falcom's sons, so why do you think I'd say yes to you?
-Sir?
-Yes, Raven?’ asked Oswald dryly.
-Lark just told me your daughter was here.
-What?
-It's fate,” says Dragos happily.

The door to her father's private salon opened and Addison appeared in all her glory.

-Hi, Dad...
-What are you doing here?’ Oswald asks coldly.
-They sent this to the school and it caused the principal to give me the day off,” says Addison, placing the flowers and the box of chocolates on the table where the men were gathered.
-Fate, right? Oswald says sarcastically.
-Well, she's here, isn't she? She could give her opinion...
-That would be the first time you've cared,’ muttered Oswald.
-Mr Ibanescu, I presume?’ asked Addison. -Nice to meet you, I'm Addison Meredith Cobblepots.
-Oh, she's well behaved,” says Dragos as if she were a dog. -Well boys, what are you waiting for? Introduce yourselves!
-Ronald Ibanescu, says the brown-haired man.

Let's see: the suit he's wearing looks cheap, tries hard to look like a businessman but probably only has cocaine consumption in common with them and would probably sell his own mother for the right price

-Aaron Ibanescu, says the blond man.

Maybe it sounds hypocritical on her part but my god, he's ugly! And nature doesn't seem to have compensated by giving him a brain worthy of the name. He is probably chasing anything with a skirt given what his eyes first landed on.

-So, the flowers are from you and the chocolate is from you,” says Addison.
-Did you like it?” they asked in chorus before glaring at each other.
-Try jewelry and furs next time,” replied Addison.
-The school let them come in and give you this?’ asked Oswald, struggling to control his anger.
-I think they delivered it and it's Gotham...They must have been afraid you'd organize a battle royal for my hand,” says Addison.
-Oh, I'm tempted after such a lack of proffesionalism,’ continued Oswald.
-I'd rather suggest that, given everyone's here, why don't we leave the kids alone...
-She's a child,’ Oswald cut him off. -One of your sons can vote and the other can drink! They're not children!
-We can babysit, sir,” says Lark with Raven and Jay on each side of her. -While you're settling your affairs, anyway.
-That fine with me, dad, says Addison.

Oswald looks at his daughter. She looks like a crow watching its prey, seeing if it's worthy of feeding. Oswald has often seen this look in the reflections of people who have provoked him.

-All right then, go play at the bar.

*****

-Who does this little bitch think she is?” asked Ronald.
-Daddy's little princess,” retorted Aaron. -And Daddy is “The Penguin”.
-Well, that's all she's got for her! Did you see her face? And the rest? She should at least be nice and grateful that we even talk to her.
-Honestly, yeah, the nose is a problem and a tuck to the belly would be a good idea but there's neat stuff too: Big breasts, big ass, she's short but leggy, blue eyes, beautiful voice and you know, she's probably just acting out of insecurity. I think she's fixable. But if she disgusts you so much, I don't mind sacrificing myself by taking her and the Penguin empire.
-I'm the eldest, so if anyone's going to have Penguin territory, it's going to be me!
-We'll see who has the last laugh!

****
-Would you like a mocktail, sweetie?” asked Jay.
-Sure,” says Addison. -You know, you can give me a real one. I put my nail polish on to detect mickey in the car.
-After that, you'll need it much more. Are you expecting a text from your dad? Jay continued, sending Addison to look at her phone.
-No, my brothers. I want to know more about the Ibanescu family.
-They're trash, that's all you need to know,” says Lark.
-Addy! shouted one of the brothers, and Addison braced herself for the worst.

*****

-Aiden,” Ethan sighed, -I can't do anything if you're swirling around like a fly.
-Our sister is in danger, how do you expect me to be calm?
-She's not exactly a delicate little flower,” Ethan retorted.
-Ethan, if you don't want me to squish,” said Aiden, joining the gesture to his throat.
-Ok, ok! I think I found something...Oh.
-Oh? What oh?
-We have to send this to Addison now,” says Ethan.
-What did you find out about the Ibanescu? Aiden asked worriedly.

Ethan texted the information to Addison before showing his brother his research.

****

-What?” asked Addison, uninterested by the two idiots.
-We're supposed to be getting to know each other better,” says Ronald.
-True,” says Addison, approaching and holding her glass tightly. -What's your main business?
-Business? Hasn't your father told you how he earns his money?
-Sigh...I want your specialty! Weapons smuggling, drugs, money laundering, prostitution, blackmail, hitmen, art smuggling, animal smuggling...
-Ah! says Aaron. -Animals have done this, well it's mostly dog fighting. Otherwise, it's mostly human resources.
-Organ trafficking?” asked Addison.
-I don't know, but it's possible,” says Aaron. -It's mostly girls and babies.
-Human trafficking, you mean,” says Addison coldly.

Slavers, rapists and animal abusers, talk about winners, thought Addison.

-We have a monopoly on that, you know...
-Maybe because the others don't want it,” says Addison coldly.

She's probably too emotional, but it's hard for her to do otherwise. She can't stop thinking about her mother.
Violet is a good mother. And a good stepmother to her brothers. Honestly, the only real problem Addison can see with her parents is the tension that remains between them. She wouldn't have wanted another father or mother, but damn it, those two should never have been together. And then there were the questions as we got older. Dad's work had been the least horrible truth in her eyes. What Mom went through before Dad freed her though...Addison never got the details but it's easy to imagine. She also had questions because...Okay, let's say getting pregnant after a year together and given the circumstances...But her mother, who had never been her father's greatest defender, had told her:
-Your father gave me the time and space I needed. He waited for me to come to him. It may have seemed fast but I wanted to replace bad memories with something better. We didn't think I could get pregnant and your father was already talking about adoptions...Imagine my surprise that there are two of you. Don't worry, I'll never regret you.

She's sincere, Addison knows it. And that only made Addison's hatred worse.

-We have standarts, Addison continues.
-Your father worked with the Joker,” says Ronald.
-And even he doesn't do human traffics, incredible!” says Addison sarcastically.
-You don't have to deal with it if it makes you uncomfortable,” says Aaron.

Did this idiot just insult her and have the nerve to think it's a favor?

-If it's the Cobblepot's business, then it's mine buniss! Gotham is the city of the Penguins!

The brothers look at each other confused after her exclamation.
But they are saved from the girl's wrath by the notification of her telephone.

-One moment.

Ethan may have found information, that's something at least. Know already, boring, obvious, disgusting and...
You must be kidding me.
Addison's gaze slides to the umbrella stand behind the bar.

****

-I think Aaron would be the best choice, but if she likes Ronald more, that's fine too,” says Dragos.
-I think she'd rather marry one of my penguins than even consider one of your ba...
-AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Oswald stood up in horror, grabbed his umbrella and ran towards the bar.
Ibanescu got up to follow him but Oswald yapped at him:
-Keep your fucking ass in that chair unless I call you!

Maybe those brats were more vicious than they looked. If they'd so much as touched a hair on Addison's head, he'd...

-Baby girl, I think they've had enough, he heard Jay say.
-Yeah, sure,” says Raven unenthusiastically.
-Oh come on girls, the kid's doing great! Lark defended.

Opening the door, Oswald discovers Aaron recoiled in a corner with where his nose used to be, a beating hole. Ronald also ducked into a corner, or at least tried to, as his leg was bending in an unnatural direction. And Addison...
His daughter is stained with blood, holding an even bloodier umbrella, a mad, animalistic rage in her eyes.
Whoa... It's like looking at a younger, prettier girl version of yourself.
Oswald coughs and the women turn towards him.

-Boss!
-Dad!
-What happening? Oswald asked as if a window in the house had been broken.
-Dad, you have to understand! It's them! It's their shitty family that trafficked Mom!

Aww...She has the angry expression that says I'm secretly so sad and upset. His poor little dove. Let's get it sorted as soon as possible.

-She's crazy, we didn't do anything! whines Ronald before trying to crawl away when Addison raises her umbrella.
-That I can believe,’ said Oswald with a smile. -Jay, go find their father. Maybe this time he'll get the message.
-You...you wouldn't even ...be born if...Aaron tried to say with his voice now even more nasal.
-And if your father had understood the word no, you wouldn't be in this state,’ says Oswald. -Must be faith. Lark, please take Addison home.
-Dad...
-Addison, we'll talk about this at home, agreed?
-Yes.
-Good. Is this a normal umbrella?
-Yeah, I took it by accident,” Addison admits.
-It happens to the best of us.

*****

-Lark, do you think I'm in trouble?” asked Addison as she was dropping her off at home.
-Probably nothing serious. I've still got my job and he likes me a lot less than he likes you,” said the wechwoman, trying to cheer her up.
-Thank.

*****

Addison's phone is full of messages from Aiden, Ethan, Martin and even Ignatius asking her what happened and how she's doing. She waits for the coupert to fall before answering.

-Can I come in?' asked Oswald, knocking on her bedroom door.
-Yeah, of course.
-Yeah?
-Yes, of course.
-Better, says Oswald, placing a paper bag on her table.
-Is it...is it chicken nuggets from Noonan's?
-Yes. You can eat them in your room, but I'd rather it be on your desk than your bed. I couldn't remember which sauce you liked so I asked them to give me all the available ones. So no thai, sorry.
-It's okay, it's hot mustard I like...you just let me eat it on my birthday and when I get a clean report card, Addison says in shock.
-You can add mutilating the sons of my rivals and avenging your family to the list,’ said Oswald, smiling.
-You're not angry,” sighed Addison.
-No, but I had to be professional,’ says Oswald. -These guys aren't like the Joker, the Scarecrow or Killer Croc. They're more traditional and uptight, so your old dad acts in circumstance. We are not at war with the Ibanescu, if that's what you're worried about. You've scared them too much and to take revenge would be to acknowledge that a woman, no, a girl, has beaten them without mercy.
-This girl is a Cobblepot,” says Addison.
-Yes, she is and wears the name with pride,’ said Oswald, pulling his daughter against him.
-Dad? Did you know about Mom? That they were the ones...
-I had my doubts,’ admitted Oswald. -But your mother is no longer with me, wants nothing to do with my work and doesn't believe in the law of retaliation. So I didn't go any further into the question. Desapointed?
-No, I understand...I can't tell her, can I?
-Better not,’ agreed Oswald. -Your mum still has hope that you and Aiden...
-Aiden can at least fake it, I don't think I can.
-She'll be disappointed but she won't stop loving you. And as tortoise as it sounds, if she blames me for your choices...I'll be proud. I'm really proud of the woman I saw tonight.
-Thanks, Dad,” says Addison. -I'm going to text the boys before they show up armed to the teeth.
-Don't mention the chicken nuggets, I just got enough for you,’ said Oswald.
-Ok..Dad?
-Yes, my little dove?
-I'll agree to an arranged marriage only if it's with, say...Eiko Hasigawa.
-That's not going to happen.
-Why?
-Firstly: the age difference and secondly: the Yakuza aren't exactly LGBTQ+ friendly.
-Okay, first of all, when I'm 25, it won't be a big deal and secondly, I'll just shoot those who have a problem with it.

*****

-Okay, everyone ready? asked an excited Oswald.
-Why did we watch your stupid baby videos? complains the Joker.
-The invitation literally said wine, cheese and video of my children,” notes Jonathan.
-Yeah, why'd you come?” asked Harvey.
-I am crazy, not stupid, free food!
-Personally, I'm very proud of Dodo for breaking the cycle of poor parenting and wanting to show us these precious moments of these little ones,’ says Jervis.
-Let us experience the unknown pleasure of a father who loves and is proud of his children,” says Ed.
-Yeah, I just want to seeing an Ibanescu get a beating, said Waylon.

Oswald then played the security video.

-Oh wow,” says Selina. -Someone's going to be limping for the rest of their life.
-Look how she's bitten off his nose,” says Waylon. -She's a natural.
-She takes after her daddy,’ says Jervis.
-Yeah, definitely daddy's little monster,” says Jonathan.
-Do you want me to ask Harley to give Addison her sweater?” asked Ed.

Chapter Text

-Miranda, listen, we'd love to see you and Joshua. But you cancelled your appointments and missed work because Constance demanded you come, Oswald said. -I don't care how old Constance is, it doesn't excuse her rudeness. Trust me, it's not just age, I know my aunt well. She didn't want anything to do with your son or my kids for years and now she wants to see them? Oh Miranda, you are too kind. Look, before you entertain the possibility, let me talk to her. It's just...Constance was more like, children should not be seen or heard. Yes, yes, I will check. Have a nice day.

The penguin hung up the phone before breathing in and shouting:
-Why can't this old hag that stinks like vulture vomit can just die!

He then heard someone coughing and turned to see his oldest son.

-Sorry to interrupt your top 10 childhood trauma session but I just need to know if you'd rather have Zsas send Mr ZZZ's girlfriend's eyes or the testicles of his partner. Also the Lodge chef wanted to know what you think about replacing blue lobster with barnacles? It seems that the Kraken breeds them to make ends meet.
-I'll have to see what prices he charges and have a taste test but I'm open to the possibility. And for Mister ZZZ, tell Zsas to do as he pleases.
-Whoa, are you that upset by Constance?
-Who's Constant?

Oswald and Ignatius turn to see Ethan leaning against the door frame.

-A well-behaved boy doesn't eavesdrop, Ethan," his father scolded him.
-You screamed so loud, the whole household heard you, Ethan defended himself.
-Constance is Dad's crazy aunt who sends passive aggressive creepy Christmas cards every year, Ignatius explained. -We have dead birds, cats devoured by rats, frogs being stabbed and robbed, a polar bear devouring a guy, a child cooked alive with a sign that says Merry Christmas, what is either a duck, a rooster and a turtle fighting to the death or having a three way ...
-I've never received one of these.
-You're at your mother's house like the twins during the holidays so we never bothered to talk to you about it. Burning Great Aunt Constance's cards is a tradition for motherless people, while our father watches the Ice Princess competition and we shares horror stories.
-Why do you want horror stories for Christmas? Ethan asked his older brother.
-Because I like it and since everyone uses the excuse that my birthday is 11 days before Christmas is for be cheapskate, baby jesus has to share too!
-And why does Great Aunt Constance want to see us? Ethan asked.
-My theory is steal your fat to bathe in and hope to rejuvenate with it, Oswald said mockingly.
-It doesn't make sense, says Ignatius.
-I'm kidding...
-I mean, her buddies from the Court of Owls tried to kill you...
-What? Ethan shouted. -She is part of the court of owls? You didn't want to start with this information?
-That's what's really weird, said Ignatius.
-What is not considered important? I agree, Ethan said frustrated.
-No, if you know her like I know her, you'll find that hanging out with a gang of pretentious depraved mutant owls who like roleplay eyes wide shut between two murders is very normal for her.
-No, I mean why do such a stupid thing? Ignatius explained. -Dad, I know you don't like her but she's not stupid. Why would she want to see you after trying to kill you?Not even just you, but your children, Aunt Miranda and Cousin Joshua. And here on your land here you have the advantage ? Because it seems counterproductive here. What does she want and how does she think she can get it?
-Despair, Oswald realized. -The Court of Owls has means and Constance has survived several assassination attempts in the past...
-By you?
-That can only mean one thing," Oswald said without answering. -Either she or the court is in a poor position. She pretends to come to offer for a favour when in fact she comes to grovel for crumbs. Oh, that's good," said Penguin with a sadistic smile. -My dear children, how would you like to spend an afternoon watching a slug burned by lemon juice?

****

-Do you really want to wear a monocle? ask Addison. -You look like a kid stealing his father's clothes.
-I think that's the point," says Aiden.
-Shut up, you two!" growled Ignatius.
-Leave it," says Ethan. -I'm pretty sure we could all be in t-shirts and jeans and dad wouldn't care. Clearly, he just wants to humiliate his aunt.
-By the way, did you find anything?" asked Ignatius.
-No, and that's the shady part," says Ethan. -Cleaner than that, you are a fake identity created by the FIB in the last 6 months.
-So you have nothing?" asked Aiden.
-I didn't say that. You can scrub your info all you want, there's always some trace left somewhere. As life expectancy seems to be dropping around her, not to mention the 25 (suicides and accidents) that are worthy of Houdini, Ethan says, showing off his findings.
-Ah yes, the famous suicides where someone stabs themselves in the back of the head. He must have done a lot of yoga," Addison laughed.
-Personally, I like the girl who drowned but whose lipstick is intact," says Aiden. -Tell me Addy, is the waterproof that good or did she give herself a makeover in her last spam, in your opinion?
-They don't even try," says Ignatius with disgust. -It's not even a show of strength and influence...just laziness and throwing money at problems.

They were interrupted by someone knocking gently against the wall.

-Hey pic," said Ignatius when he saw his younger brother.
Can you help me, Ignatius? signed Martin.
-Depends on what?
Can you style my hair like yours? I want to look good.
-I object, your hair looks better natural than with Ig styled, says Addison.
-I think he has a reason for asking me instead of you, Wednesday Addam!
-No matter what you do, you have half an hour before she arrives if she doesn't decide to be early, Ethan says, looking at his watch.
-I don't think I can cut it for you with the time we have left, but I can at least style it in a similar way with some gel," says Ignatius. -Want to give it a try?

Martin nodded and his brother took him to his room.

-Am I the only one who's a little curious to see what she looks like?" asked Aiden.
-Why do you care?" asked Addison.
-Besides Aunt Miranda and Joshua, we don't have extended family. I can't help but be curious.
-And you would like to bond with her? Bro, she's a member of the Court of Owls, she tried to kill dad and for all we know, she just wants to find a sacrificial virgin.
-That would explain why Dad didn't want Joshua here.

****

The doorbell rang and Oswald opened it to find his aunt entering in a wheelchair pushed by a woman in maid's clothing.

-Open the door by yourself? Are you that short of staff?
-Good afternoon Constance. No, I just thought that you vampires had to be invited by the owner personally to get into a residence.
-You haven't changed much, Constance said as she motioned to the woman to roll up her wheelchair. -I hope nobody is late.
-No, but I personally told Miranda and Joshua that they could join us later.
-And you took the liberty of ignoring my direct directions, for which purpose?
-Because I am not one of your lackeys. My house, my rules. You want respect? Then start by giving some to others.
-This house belongs to the whole Cobblepot family," Constance said coldly. -But you did buy it back so if you want to play the landlord, fine by me, the old woman continued under a ton one would use on a crying child.

God, Oswald wanted to crack her skull on the entrance with an umbrella. But he was sure that the woman accompanying his aunt was more than a maid. Let's not play with fire until we know more.

-Please come in.

*****

They arrived at the living room where the children were waiting for their arrival.

-Children, this is your great aunt Constance. Constance, my bastards you din't want to know about. Now that it's done, you could go...
-Sornette, they look very good despite the fact that you conceived almost all of them with women of inferior natures and morals. Only the last one with some pedigree.
-What did you call our mothers?" asked Ethan in an icy voice.
-Can you introduce me to them?" asked Constance, ignoring Ethan. -I would like to have the full names.
-Couldn't you ask one of your creeps to poke around? I don't expose them but I don't try to hide them either.But if it amuses you: my eldest Ignatius Edward, my twins Addison Meredith and Aiden Herman, my middle child Ethan Oswald and my youngest Martin Ulysse.
-Really? Was it your choice for them? That's not right at all! Constance said in outrage. -The eldest should have your name, not the fourth! And you couldn't think of something more feminine for your daughter? And her twin, couldn't you think of something more distinctive? Actually, we should change: Ignatius Oswald, Gertrude Esther given your affection for your mother and the other three we could go with family names. Tucker Nigel, Edmunde Theodore and Martin Henry. Sounds better, doesn't it?
-Their mothers named them and no one is named after a type of alcohol or with a unique spelling so I will live with it. Also, they are not dogs. You can't rename them at will. Even legally it's complicated! Just to add, not even changing the name of Ignatius was an administrative mess.
-Adding?
-Lady," said Ignatius with a sadistic smile. -I have both parents' surnames: Ogilvy Cobblepot.
-Tell me he's lying, Oswald!
-No. I just wanted to bring him back with me as soon as possible. It saved time and money.
-And the others?" asked Constance in horror.
-No, but I'm super tempted to ask for it for my next birthday," says Aiden.
-Not to mention that as much as I know Dad would have loved to name me after Grandma, it was going to snow in hell before he named any of my brothers after Grandpa," says Addison.
-Oswald! You're going to let her insult your father and my cousin like that! Constance said angrily.
-Cousin?" said a surprised Ethan. -I thought you were our grandmother's sister?
-She's both," Oswald said uneasily.

Oswald counts the seconds in his head before they realise the implications.

-Oh gross! You are inbred?
-I think we are by extension too...
-Oh that's just great! We are officially the Lannisters of Gotham!
-If you try to marry me off to Joshua, I'm going to burn this damn house down!
Martin holds up his notebook with the sentence written in it: I am mute because we are inbred?
-I don't think so. Look, kids: most people who are of old money used to marry between people of similar statue or cousins to keep the money in the family. I guarantee you that this is the case for most of the people you went to school with. The Waynes and Kanes almost exclusively married their children together. We know better now.
-What kind of nonsense are you telling them? Constance asked outraged.
-My aunt, I know you have been busy running away from the witchcraft trials but I hope you are keeping up to date with the latest medical findings. We have a lot of people with severe respiratory problems and scoliosis in the family tree, I was born with a very rare birth defect and my brother Jason had such a handsome boy, never forget written on his grave because it sounds better than thank god, at least he was handsome. Do you think this is a coincidence?
-I don't think it could have done them any more damage than being raised by a Eurotrash, a sex worker, a waitress or by you," Constance scolded. -Aw, all this commotion is not good for me. Girl! Girl," said Constance, snapping her fingers at her maid. -Come and help me, I have to go and freshen up in the bathroom.
-Did you just call your assistant poc, girl? asked Ethan with disgust.
-She's mine, I'll call her what I want," says Constance amused.
-Lady, I know you like to pretend you're still in the 19th century but if I depended on my employee to wipe my ass, I'd be a little more grateful!
-Ethan, stop," says Ignatius.
-Seriously Ignatius? You have no problem with that? Your gir...
-Ethan, she's a bloody Talon," Ignatius said quietly.
-So at least this one knows? says Constance interested.
-Yes, he was in the building when you and your freak friends tried to kill me.
What does a talon do? signed Martin.

Ignatius saw his chance and signed his reply to his siblings:
A kind of zombie ninja assassin who can heal from anything as long as the head is intact.

Addison and Aiden try to ask their older brother some quick questions about his experience. Ethan, for his part, noticed that the servant girl (a possible talon) was following the conversation out of the corner of her eye.

-What are they doing?" asked Constance in a shrill voice.
-They speak in sign language, Constance. My youngest is mute, remember? So everyone in the family can speak it.
-Never thought to just take him to the doctor?
-Of course I did," said Oswald, rolling his eyes. -His vocal cords are severely damaged, no sound can be produced.
-I can't believe how expensive it is to have a voice box installed.
-A voicebox?
-Yes, you know like people who have had cancer...
-Yes, I know what it is. I just want to know if you're seriously proposing that we do a risky throat operation on my prepubescent child and put a piece of intrusive medical equipment into his body without knowing if it would even help?
-You don't have to ask for anything and it would be easier for everyone," says Constance.
-Martin, please show your great-aunt how you communicate with people who do not speak sign language.

Martin took his notebook and wrote on a page:
I can write or draw according to your preference.

-I have cards with pictures on them to learn if you want," says Oswald.
-Really? You want to make a joke that bad to go with your son's disgusting comment about the bathroom? Irredeemable!" said Constance, gesturing to her maid. -Did you renovate or are the bathrooms still in the same places?
-Yes, I only changed the rooms a little. And it was a sincere offer with no ulterior motive. The pictures really help.
Constance had an expression that said she doubted his sincerity before her maid directed her to the bathroom.
-What a female dog," complained Oswald.
-Dad, do you think Ignatius is right and her assistant is a talon?" asked Addison.
-There is a good chance that this is the case, Oswald acknowledged. -I must admit I didn't think the court would let their equipment be used as a nanny for a frustrated old shrew.
-What are our chances against this thing?" asked Aiden.
-None. What part of regenerating zombie ninja is hard for you to understand? Ignatius asked curtly. -We got the last one by pure luck and it took Catwoman in addition to the two of us.
-So humiliating," complains Oswald.
-When you say zombie, what kind do you mean? Ethan asked. -Is she just a piece of meat that obeys or is she like Solomon Grundy?
-The one after you was conscious on some level, right? asked Ignatius.
-Enough to whine in Selina's arms," says the Penguin. -I suppose the comparison to Grundy is a good example. She is kept on a leash. Whether this is mental or physical remains unclear.
How do you find out what it is? signed Martin.
-Don't worry about it, young man, Oswald said sternly. -That goes for all three of you too. Ignatius and I will take care of that.
-What? Me and Aiden have to prove that we can participate!
-Oh please, you just put him in a coma," laughed Ethan. -I have experience in mind control technology and I can help you...
-And I am your father. If I say no, you listen or you pay the consequences. So you behave while Ignatius and I look on as we get rid of Satan's stepmother, am I clear?
-Yes, sir.

*****

-Did you get what I wanted?" asked Constance.

The talon held out a bag with several toiletries in it.

-Excellent.