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Sleeping easily had become nothing more than a distant bitter dream to Jun. If his sleep was not shallow, it was plagued with nightmares of his parents, of demons, and Maya burning, all warped and twisted together like the reels of different films spliced together carelessly.
He shook his head trying to shake away the thought and bring his mind back into foucs. How long had he been staring at nothing with his head a millions miles away? It was frustrating for him to lose time like that, but not in the slightest new. It always happened, with the ticking of his apartment clocking being the only sound around him, and the empty space around him that he wanted to fill.
Too often it remained empty.
With Tatsuya back in his life his first instinct was to call him, but he knew what a terrible idea that was. That thing, Tatsuya’s Shadow, had said it himself, he hated him. And even though Tatsuya denied it, even though he said he had feelings for him, he could still hear Tatsuya’s voice saying those words echoing in his head, and he couldn’t help but wonder if the denial, and his so called confession, was merely just mockery, and everyone else had been going along with it.
He pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers and took a deep breath to steady himself. Standing up he went to clean off his plate and wash dishes to try and distract himself but he just kept analyzing those moments in his mind again and again.
Until a knock came at the door.
He nearly dropped the plate from his hand it took him so much by surprise. Trying to steady himself as he felt a pit of dread in his stomach, he walked over and opened the door, and found the person at it was the exact person he’d hoped and dreaded would be there.
“Tatsuya,” he greeted with a serene smile, though he could feel his heart racing and his hands shake. Tatsuya looked incredibly nervous, slightly opening his mouth then closing it again, desperately trying to force some words out, his cheeks tinged slightly crimson. Jun crinkled his nose as some foul odor wafted through the door, and then froze to see the source of the stench was being held in Tatsuya’s hand.
It was a bouquet, and quite possibly, the ugliest one he’d ever laid eyes upon. There seemed to be one of every single flower of the earth in it, all smashed together in a ghastly assault on the senses. Tatsuya jabbed out his arm awkwardly, his hand gripping the flowers so tightly it threatened to crush them, and his eyes were unable to meet Jun’s while he stumbled over his words,
“I wasn’t sure what your favorite was so I thought, better to be safe and just get one of everything, since I didn’t know if you were doing alright and you might want to talk to someone and I-” he cut himself off when he realized he was babbling, and on the edge of something far too personal. Tatsuya always seemed to be a person of no words or a million. Jun took the bouquet and he couldn’t stop beaming for a second.
“…is it alright?” Tatsuya asked, biting his lip slightly. Jun could feel his eyes water as he replied simply,
“It’s perfect.” Tatsuya sighed with relief, relaxing from a bolt-upright stance to a casual slouch as he gave a warm smile. All the while Jun could only wonder how he ended up doing the exact thoughtful thing he needed at exactly the right time. But then, even as children Tatsuya had always known how to make him smile.
“How rude of me, you’ve been so kind and I’ve kept you standing at the door this whole time,” Jun laughed shakily, overwhelmed with emotion, twisting his finger through his hair. He stepped aside and Tatsuya walked through gazing around his apartment, and he suddenly felt terribly self conscious at the bare space, the second hand furniture, even the peeling paints on the walls and the loud hum of the air conditioner. Every single thing seemed to reflect badly upon him.
“I’ll just find a place for these, make yourself at home please, do you want anything?” the words came out a bit too fast but Tatsuya seemed to understand. He simply shook his head before taking a seat on Jun’s fraying couch, and had to sit at the very edge of it so he wouldn’t sink completely backwards.
A heavy silence passed while Jun found a vase to put the bouquet, which with second thought, Jun realized was actually beautiful, in its own unique way, even if he hadn’t realized it at first. He even went to smell them again, and was so overpowered by the hideous stench from the bouquet he leapt backwards from it.
At least it looked nice, at a huge distance, where he wouldn’t be able to catch even a single whiff of it. Besides, he did often wish to keep flowers in the apartment, but he always seemed too busy to look after them, so all he could do was buy the odd bouquet from time to time to brighten up the place.
“I don’t hate you,” Tatsuya spoke suddenly breaking the silence. Jun was taken aback, but quickly replied,
“I know.” Tatsuya furrowed his eyebrows together, looking over him with a piercing gaze, searching for Jun’s eyes. Jun strode over to him and forced a lighthearted smile, hoping desperately for the topic to be dropped, while doing his best to avoid Tatsuya’s damning stare without being obvious about it.
He’d already burdened everyone enough with what he’d done, and his feelings of guilt and loneliness left him at a strange impasse where he didn’t want to be lonely, but felt deserving only of the company of cobwebs and the creaking fan spinning lazily over his head.
“I don’t want there to be any doubt in your mind, I don’t want you to think for a moment…” Tatsuya sighed heavily, while Jun ignored the space by Tatsuya on the lounge and opted to sit in the chair in front of him. Tatsuya chewed his lip while trying to search for the right thing to say next, while Jun bought the bought his seat closer, but was unable to find the courage to close the gap between them. Defeated, he rested his chin in his hand, and kept his eyes fixed upon the gentle young man before him.
All Jun wanted to say was that there was no need for any of this, but the words died in his throat the moment he opened his mouth.
In a split second Tatsuya seemed to decide there were no right words and instead embraced Jun. It was not so quick Jun was completely taken off guard, and Tatsuya kept his grip lose so Jun could end the hug if he was so inclined. That thought didn’t cross Jun’s mind for a second though. He gripped Tatsuya tightly, and Tatsuya returned the gesture instantly. He felt a warmth all over that he swore he hadn’t felt in years, and his mind was still, peaceful, but he remained aware of everything. Jun closed his eyes, settling into the safety of Tatsuya’s embrace, and finding even the heavy whiff of motor oil on his clothes a comfort.
Tatsuya pulled back after a time, though his hands remained on Jun’s slight shoulders, Jun’s hands remained wrapped around Tatsuya’s forearms.
“I’ve never been good with words,” he began apologetically, unable to meet Jun’s gaze, “I hope all of this is alright, I hope you’re alright.” There was so much Jun wanted to say, so much he wished to confess, but he replied simply,
“This is perfect.” Tatsuya went to say something, once more struggling for words, and Jun rested a hand on his cheek, to tell him it was okay. They didn’t need words, they never had.