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Jennifer Walters was having a damn good day. She’d driven to her court case in her brand new violet Porsche, a present to herself for successfully keeping the Superhuman Law Division going for three years straight. She successfully defended her client, the Sandman, keeping him out of jail since he’d only used his powers to save neighbors from a collapsing building and shouldn’t be punished for “violating parole”. And there hadn’t even been a rude interruption by Titania or M.O.D.O.K. or any of the other nonsense she’d come to expect in her dueling lines of work.
But her day was brought to a very sudden end as soon as she made her way to the parking lot. She barely had time to unlock her trunk before a fire hydrant crashed through her passenger side window.
“Oh my god! What the hell?” Jenn snapped, spilling her coffee over her petticoat in the process. When she investigated the hydrant, which was now soaking the inside of her car with a gushing stream of water, she grew even more irritated. There was a sticky, stringy substance dangling from the object and stretching out to the next car. “No, not my new baby.”
“Sorry! It wasn’t supposed to happen like that!” Jenn looked for the source of the voice, and found exactly what she’d expected. The one who’d destroyed her car was none other than Spider-Man. He was currently flipping and diving to avoid lightning bolts from Electro. “I was trying to short circuit him. My bad.”
Jenn stomped her foot and growled in frustration. Maybe Spider-Man really was the menace that J. Jonah Jameson had always painted him to be. But as irritated as she was at the damage to her car, she knew that the bigger problem right now was the supervillain blasting electricity in a public area, where anyone could get hurt. Compared to that possibility, her car didn’t mean very much. So she threw off her coat, grabbed the hydrant, ripped off the cap and aimed it at Electro, soaking him with a torrent of water that stunned him long enough for the Spider to knock him out with a kick to the jaw and web him up.
“Ah, there we go. Nothing like a good old-fashioned superhero team up to save the day,” Spidey declared, landing next to Jenn and raising his hand up for a high five. “Let’s hear it for She-Hulk.”
Jenn did not reciprocate, instead putting her hands just above her hips. Frankly, it was lucky that she didn’t smack him in the face, which is what she would have liked to do. She was even pretty sure that Spider-Man could take a punch from her Hulk form, based on her limited interaction with him. But her practiced self-control limited her offensive maneuvers to a harmless glower.
“I hope you have your insurance information somewhere in those pajamas, buster,” she huffed through clenched teeth. “I just got this car yesterday and your reckless behavior is going to cost you a fortune.”
She-Hulk could swear that the eye patterns on the Spider-Suit grew wider, and wondered what comic book artist came up with that nonsensical design.
“Uh, no, sorry,” the arachnid responded, throwing his arms up and crawling out of her immediate reach. “Part of the whole secret identity thing.”
Jenn’s eyes narrowed, and some of her veins started to pop. The only thing that kept her temper in check was the tearing sound that accompanied the undone seams in the arms of her blouse.
“How long have you been doing this superhero thing?” she demanded, barely managing to keep an even tone. She did give in the urge to get into his personal space and prod his chest with her pointer finger. “Surely you can think of a better way to fight Electro that doesn’t cause irreparable damage to someone’s personal property.”
“Uh... you know what, my Spider-Sense is tingling. I’m sure there’s a fire somewhere on the other side of Manhattan that I need to investigate.” His already speedy tempo accelerated considerably under pressure. “Goodbye!”
“Oh no you don’t!” Jenn declared, intending to swipe his leg out from under him and force him into a productive conversation. She caught nothing but air, as he tumbled safely out of her path and zipped along a line of webbing. Before she could even think to follow him he was swinging off down the street. There was no way she could pursue him without potentially causing property damage, and Jenn was not going to make a hypocrite of herself.
Instead, she pulled out her cell phone and called her office.
“I'm taking the rest of the day off for personal reasons. I really need to hit something.”
These days, Jennifer’s superheroing was done as the fifth member of the Fantastic Four. It was an arrangement to keep the team at full power even when they were practicing work-life balance and taking days off. The way she figured it, she’d either be roped into one of their adventures, or she could at least work off her stress in a friendly sparring match with Ben.
After calling a tow truck for what was left of her car, Jenn called a taxi and took the forty-five minute drive to the Baxter Building. It would have been faster to hop over there as She-Hulk, but she didn’t feel like leaving craters in whatever streets she landed on between leaps. Having the time to plug in her headphones and tune out the world was also good for decreasing her stress. It was certainly better than thinking about how she was already going to have to cash in her insurance on the brand spankin’ new car. That intrusive thought kept pestering her and ruined any chance at a good mood.
Jenn was in for an even worse shock when she reached her destination. For she was not the only superhero crashing at the Baxter Building. She had only just made it into the recreation room when she saw a game of Mario Kart being played on an enormous flatscreen TV. While that would have been amusing if it was only Johnny and Ben playing, they were not alone. Sitting between the two of them was a man about Johnny’s size and dressed in an all too familiar red and blue body stocking.
“YOU!” Jenn shouted in a savage growl, unable to contain the rage that filled her when seeing the brat who’d ruined her baby.
All three of them turned around, wondering who the furious voice was addressing. Ben and Johnny were incredulous as to why Jennifer was so mad, but Spider-Man’s hands clasped his forehead in true horror.
“Oh come on! What on earth are you doing here, greenie?” he asked, defaulting to his usual defensive habit of name calling anyone he considered an adversary.
”I happen to work here!” Jenn informed him, stomping through the room with enough force that some of the hanging pictures started to shake. “And you’re here playing video games? After you destroyed my car and then ran off? What on earth makes you think that kind of irresponsible behavior is acceptable?”
She made another attempt to grapple him, but his accursed Spider-Sense allowed him to jump back onto the coffee table before she could reach him. He then webbed himself skyward, planting himself on the ceiling and crawling towards the decorative chandelier. The other two men in the room decided now was the time to act - Johnny ran out of the room, while Ben tried to calm Jennifer down.
“Hey, hey, Jenn. I can tell you’re mad, but I’m not gonna let you kill the poor kid.” Ben’s voice was calm, but firm, and stopped her from jumping up to punch the Spider through the ceiling. “And I’m definitely not going to let you smash up our nice house because of a temper tantrum.”
Jennifer growled and grumbled and pulled at her hair, but eventually nodded. Coming from most people, the comment would have been condescending. But she and Ben were good friends with a common understanding of what it was like to wield monstrous power at all times, and how they had to control themselves even with their short fuses. She’d used the same term to describe some of Ben’s outbursts in the past.
“But it’s not fair!” she protested, stomping her foot again and nearly knocking Spider-Man off of the ceiling with the force of it.
“Jennifer, please control yourself.” The unmistakable sound of a scolding Sue Richards made Jenn’s face flush with embarrassment. So that was where Johnny had gone. It made sense. There was nobody in the world better at deescalating tense situations than the Invisible Woman. “You really ought to know better.”
“Yes, Mrs. Richards,” Jenn answered promptly and sincerely. “It won’t happen again.”
“Thank goodness for that!” Spidey hollered from his perch. “I thought Tall, Green and Scary was about to throw the couch at me.”
The insult made Jenn’s fists clench, but Sue calmed her down with a pat on the back and a soft kiss on the cheek. Sue had a tendency to mother everyone in the Fantastic Four, whether they were full time members or guests in her house. And while such actions were gentle, it was impossible for Jenn to forget that Sue could lock her in a powerful force shield if she deemed it necessary.
“Hush,” she told Spider-Man. “Now, Jenn, why don’t you tell me what is so unfair that it’s got you stomping around in my living room?”
She-Hulk once again relayed the tale of how Spider-Man’s careless attack on Electro had resulted in permanent damage to her vehicle. Sue was sympathetic, pressing her hand firmly against Jenn’s back so that she could rub some of the tension out of her muscles.
“And the worst part is that he didn’t even have the decency to apologize!” Jenn finished.
“I said ‘sorry’!” Spider-Man called, still clinging to the chandelier instead of coming down to engage in the conversation.
“That you didn’t have your insurance information,” Jenn huffed, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “That does not count, and you’ve run away from my attempts to have a serious discussion twice now!”
“Well pardon me if I don’t feel like trying my luck against a Hulk!” the boy snapped right back. “I don’t have life insurance either, kid.”
”Kid?” Jenn growled. “You’re the one acting like a brat around here!”
Before things could escalate further, Sue interrupted their back and forth with a loud cough. Knowing that she wanted their attention, both superheroes turned to face her and hear the verdict.
“I agree with Jenn. Peter, you owe this woman a sincere apology,” Sue declared. “So come down here and make it.”
“What, are you crazy? In the state she’s in, I’m likely to get smashed into paste!” Peter protested, waving his hands in front of him in a clear sign that he was not interested.
“Maybe you deserve to be clobbered,” Ben grumbled as he gently placed all of the stray video game controllers into their home near the TV.
“I don’t know about clobbered,” Sue corrected, folding her arms and glaring at Peter with something akin to menace. “But if you don’t obey me and apologize, I might decide that you need a good spanking.”
Jenn laughed at this, thinking the joke was an appropriate one considering how Peter was acting. Hearing him be scolded by the Invisible Woman was certainly one way to find out a secret identity, and hopefully not one that happened often.
”Sue!” Peter balked, both indignant and mortified. “Come on, I’m not a teenager anymore. That’s not funny.”
“It isn’t meant to be funny,” Sue said firmly. She tapped her foot expectantly, waiting for him to get down from the ceiling. “Come down and do what I said.”
Jenn watched with awe as Peter slowly descended from the ceiling on a strand of webbing, only to stop about halfway. Between his whining, Sue’s complete seriousness, and Ben’s total lack of reaction, Jenn was able to put the pieces together. It had not been a joke at all. At some point, Susan Richards had punished Spider-Man in exactly this fashion, and clearly, he believed it might happen again. The realization made Jenn’s eyes widen, and she pressed her pointer fingers together out of second hand embarrassment.
“But Sue, come on, I don’t really want...”
“Peter Parker, if you don’t obey me right this second, I am going to blister your bottom with my hairbrush!” Sue exclaimed with the mixture of calm and sternness that could only come from someone who was used to disciplining children on a regular basis. “Can I make myself any more transparently clear than that?”
Peter dropped to the floor immediately after, and said nothing. He kept his distance from Sue, and instead approached Jennifer. No matter how much the She-Hulk scared him, it was clearly not as much as the prospect of being paddled. Jenn took note of this, and managed to stop acting embarrassed so that she could present herself as stern and expecting an apology.
“Okay, uh, She-Hulk, I’m s-”
“Jenn,” she corrected. “We’re not at work.”
“Okay. Jennifer. I’m sorry that I carelessly threw a fire hydrant through your car while I was caught up fighting Electro. I should have been paying closer attention,” he admitted, reaching back and scratching the back of his neck. “I promise it won’t happen again. Can you forgive me?”
Jennifer considered the apology carefully. If this had been his reaction the first time they addressed the situation, she would have probably let him off the hook. Her insurance would cover the cost of the car, and failing that, she could probably call Tony Stark for a favor. But that wasn’t really the point anymore. After he ran away from her twice, hurled insults at her, and got her so mad that she’d needed to be calmed down by her friends, Jenn didn’t think a simple apology was going to cover it.
But she had a good idea of what would satisfy her need for justice.
“No, I’m not ready to forgive you just yet, Peter Parker.”
“Why not?” Peter and Sue said in shocked unison. Peter was whiny, while Sue was almost stern.
“Because I agree with Sue. You need a spanking, and I’m going to give it to you.”
Everyone was silent for a moment, taking in what Jenn had decided. Then, all at once, there were several reactions. Peter shook his hands and took several steps back. Sue folded her arms and gave an approving grunt, and Ben gave a hearty chuckle.
“I’m going to go back to the ceiling now,” Peter declared sheepishly.
“No you’re not,” Sue insisted, shoving him closer to Jenn with one of her invisible shields. “I think that’s more than appropriate after everything you’ve put her through. And after how many times I had to nudge you to apologize.”
“But...”
“But nothing,” Sue insisted, this time using a firm swat on the keister to make her point. This time, Jennifer took advantage of the situation and hoisted Peter up and over her shoulder, keeping a firm grip around his thighs as he started kicking.
“Hey, come on!” Peter exclaimed, but even the proportionate strength of a spider wasn't enough to free him from Jenn’s arms.
“Jenn is the most fair-minded person that I know,” Sue continued. “You better behave yourself for her, or you and I can have another conversation later.”
That finally seemed to convince Peter to stop fighting, as Jenn immediately felt him stop kicking and go deadweight over her shoulder. She resisted the urge to pat him on the bum, since she was probably humiliating him enough just by hauling him through the halls of the Baxter Building and into the guest room.
“Is carrying me around like this really necessary?” Peter asked, his voice falling on uncaring ears.
“Strictly speaking, no. But I think part of this whole punishment business is that it’s supposed to be embarrassing,” Jenn explained before setting him down. To her surprise, he didn’t immediately try to web to a safe distance. "So it seemed like the thing to do."
And we have to give the audience what they want! she thought to herself.
Once again, Jenn could swear the eyes of his mask were narrowing at her. It was the weirdest thing, and she wondered if anyone else noticed it or considered it strange.
"Are you really gonna go through with this? Like, I'm not surprised with the Fan Four. They're stuck in the sixties. But you seem like a modern day sort of gal," Peter assessed.
"Well, to tell the truth, I wouldn't have considered it," Jenn admitted. She removed the athletic gloves she usually wore when she was punching her enemies and set them on her vanity table. Not fully trusting him, she kept one eye on him at all times to make sure he didn't run off. "But then I saw how you reacted when Sue threatened to paddle you, and I realized that giving you a hiding was better than a superhero fight."
Peter crossed his arms. "Yeah, well. It doesn't usually work out to argue with the Invisible Woman. Her hairbrush is the least scary thing in her arsenal."
"Don't I know it," Jenn agreed, going to the closet to find something less sporty to wear. The room had unofficially been hers for half a year, and she always had clothes waiting for her. She put on a salmon blouse with medium sleeves as she pressed him for more information. "When did she start spanking you, hmm?"
"Years back, when I was still in high school," Peter confessed, clearly not thrilled to discuss it. "Johnny and I got in a wrestling match and ruined one of her vases. She said I could either be punished like him, or she'd tell my Aunt May. And since I can't have that, I accepted the alternative. Ever since then, I can't get away with anything around her. Or Reed for that matter."
Jenn had to bite down on her lip to contain a giggle. There was something adorable about the idea of a teenage Johnny and his friend getting into trouble. And knowing that Peter was about the same age as Johnny did a lot to make her more forgiving of his actions. They might not be kids anymore, but they were pretty close. For now, she tried to put it out of her mind so they could get down to brass tacks.
She crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of her bed. Then she patted her lap expectantly.
"Come here. The sooner we start the sooner we finish," she said matter of factly.
Peter groaned loudly, and looked about ready to pull off his mask so that he could tear out his own hair.
"You can't expect me to-"
"I do. Come here, Peter Parker. If you won’t accept your consequences, I'll tell Sue what a naughty boy you've been," she promised, somehow managing to not sound delighted that she could make such a ridiculous taunt.
He stomped over to her with all the fury of a scorned toddler. Clearly, he was not interested in being told on.
"That's not funny, Greenie," he huffed once he stood in front of her.
"It's a little funny," Jenn teased brazenly. She reached out and pulled some of the creases in his suit straighter. "I think you should take off that mask before I haul you over."
"Why?" he asked, full of venom.
"Because this is personal and I want us to see each other face to face," Jenn explained. "And also I'm sure it will get uncomfortable when you start crying."
"Who says I'm going to be crying, lady?" he snapped, though his voice cracked halfway through the question.
"I do," she declared, and wasted no more time in pulling the Spider-Brat over her lap. "And the name is Jenn, Peter. Or perhaps Ma'am, if you feel inclined."
Peter merely replied by groaning. His hands jumped to his ears, as if he might be able to shut her out. But Jenn wasn't about to let him. After a few moments to adjust his positioning to her liking, she took careful aim and landed a clamorous smack on the seat of his Spider-Suit.
"Yowch!" Peter hollered, slightly muffled by the mask. "Jenn! That hurts!"
"I. Think. That's. The. Point." Each word was punctuated with another slap to his rear, and each one made him squirm and yelp. "Mister, I intend to make sure you think about this spanking every time you even think about using property as projectiles."
Jenn changed her technique slightly, cupping her hand to better fit the curve of his muscular cheeks. Instead of targeting the middle, she swatted one side and then the other. Sacrificing power for speed, she found that she could make him kick and cry without feeling guilty about battering him with her might. To her surprise, the act came naturally enough once she committed to it.
“Oww! Okay, okay, I screwed up, I get it! Let me go!” Peter insisted.
She didn’t dignify these protests with a comment, and simply continued to administer punishment. As Jenn grew more confident at the task, Peter became more animated. He whimpered his complaints, he squirmed helplessly in her grip, and she could tell that he was fighting the need to kick. Considering how much effort it had taken to get him to stay still in the first place, it was satisfying to see him struggle aimlessly to escape.
“Jenn, I’m sorry! I promise I didn’t mean to ruin your car!”
“I accept your apology for the damages to my car, and I won’t pursue you for damages. I know you aren’t making that kind of cash on a photographer’s salary.” Jenn was quite amused when she realized that the Daily Bugle’s most prolific cameraman was Spider-Man.
“Does that mean we’re done?” Peter whined, doubling his effort to squirm free.
“Mmm, no, I don’t think so,” Jenn chided, though her next contact with his bottom was a series of soft, teasing pats. “You see, the fact that it was my car that was damaged is really beside the point. It could have been anyone’s, because the real problem is you were being reckless and not thinking about the consequences of throwing weapons at your enemies. For as long as you’ve been doing this whole friendly neighborhood hero thing, you should be a little more responsible, don’t you think?”
“Trust me, I know all about great power coming with great responsibility,” Peter groaned, clearly not appreciating the effort Jenn was making to play nice. “Come on, let me go. Surely there’s more important things we could be doing.”
“Like playing video games with Johnny?” Jenn accused, thoroughly annoyed with his flippant response. “I don’t appreciate the sass, young man. This discussion is important.”
She considered what she could do to force him to take things more seriously. Perhaps a proper She-Hulk smashing would do the trick. But after some thought, she realized she needn’t take such extreme measures. The answer was staring her in the face.
“I think it’s time these pajamas of yours came down, Mister Parker,” Jenn declared, yanking the bottom half of his costume down without any further warning. The sight of his boxers, covered in X-Wings and TIE Fighters, forced her to cover her mouth to prevent a burst of laughter from escaping. She decided it was for the best to yank those out of the way if she wanted to see this through.
“Hey! No, you can’t!” Peter exclaimed. He reached down to grab his pants, but Jenn was quick to bat his hands away before he could pull them up again. “Jenn, this isn’t fair!”
“Do I have your full attention now?” she asked, planting a resounding slap in the middle of his rosy cheeks. It was a tribute to his unique physiology that Jenn’s impressive smacking hadn’t already left his skin bruised and crimson. “Because I’ve had enough of the attitude and the jokes!” With these words, she started spanking in her previous rhythm.
“Oww! Ouch! Yes, I’m listening very closely, Ms. Jennifer Walters, Ma’am!” Peter insisted, his voice going several octaves higher as he cried out. “I need to be more careful and think about -ow!- my surroundings before I throw heavy things at supervillains!”
“That’s right, buster.” Jenn made this point saliently clear with a bevy of harsh smacks, making every pair a little harder until she had him hollering at the top of his lungs. “You’re going to be a much more thoughtful superhero going forward, aren’t you?”
Before Peter could answer with anything more than sniffles and sobs, he removed his mask. It seemed that Jenn’s earlier thoughts on it were prophetic.
“Yes, Ma’am. I’m really, really sorry. And I promise I’m going to be more careful in the future."
Hearing him cry to the point of tears softened Jenn’s feelings toward him, and she realized that she was no longer angry with him. She’d hoped that spanking him would teach him a lesson, but she hadn’t expected it to be so cathartic for her. Now that she was satisfied that justice had been carried out, she covered his bottom with the Star Wars briefs and nudged him off of his lap.
“Alright, Spidey. I think you and I have settled our grievances.” Jenn finally had a chance to look him in the eye. His eyes were red and puffy, and a few tears were still escaping from them. Feeling a swell of pity, she reached out and caught a few of them. “Unless you’re still mad at me?”
“No,” Peter chuckled, shaking his head. “I mean, this isn’t how I would have preferred things to go. But sometimes I need some sense smacked into me. And at least this time Sue didn’t bare my bottom in front of the whole team.”
Jennifer chortled. When Peter smirked, she finally allowed herself an unrestrained laugh.
“Oh boy. Remind me not to get on her bad side,” Jenn said at last. Then she offered Peter her hand. “Truce, Spider?”
“Sure thing, Smashy Lady,” Peter agreed, taking her hand.