Archive of Our Own ^beta

The crescent moon hid behind the gray school building. Akk didn't see much as he crept across the yard, pulling his jacket tighter around him. His shoes crunched softly beneath him, as if their rhythm was mimicking his own heartbeat. He tightened his lips as he pulled out the key at the school's entrance, only to soon notice that the door was already open. Someone was inside the building.

When did it all start? Opening the door just enough to fit through, he wondered if everything was going wrong when he let Ayan sleep next to him. Feeling his presence so directly and near, it made his head spin. Everything had been so silent, so very quiet. That night he had felt more comfortable with himself, way closer to Ayan. No wrong or right, just the handsome boy in his arms and his tears which slowly cracked the hard marble of his image.

Getting closer to Ayan, well beyond initial curiosity, hadn't been Akk's goal. He wanted his life the way he was always allowed to experience it: his school, his friends, his family. Everything was okay like that. Everything was okay. Why wasn't it okay anymore?

Maybe it was his mistake to support Ayan in judo. Or was it the day he didn't let go of the smaller one when they were on the mat? To stare too long into those eyes that not only safely held the sun but the moon too, that despite having seen so many things, now had looked at Akk with all their attention. 

He shook his head as if to get rid of all the moments Ayan had looked at him as if he was his only ray of sunshine under the surface of the ocean before he lost control of his surroundings. A small hope not to be torn out too far by the relentless clasp of the waves. Hold on, stretch out your hand. Only a little further.

"Ayan?" Just like that.

Akk had climbed past the stairs into the corridor, his feet feeling heavier with each step. As if all of his worries and fears were pushing him down, further back, just not closer to the source of his own chaos. But those who are used to chaos find calm in it.

He opened his mouth to repeat his name, thought it was the only word he knew. Ayan, Ayan, everything was Ayan as he looked into those familiar eyes and it felt like he had dropped the weights that trailed behind his feet. Now it was easy. Everything would be okay.

"Be quiet," the smaller one grabbed his wrist to walk with him in the shadow of the moon, bending slightly down the hallway. "I don't know who's in there."

Akk caught his breath when the boy stopped in front of him. It was so quiet that he feared his blinking would be too loud. Ayan turned his head up at the taller one. His gaze seemed to take in everything of Akk. As if he was being stripped down to the bones, as if nothing was missing to openly reveal his innermost thoughts. Take them, he had wanted to say so many times, they're yours.

He took Ayan's hand in his.

The smaller one raised his eyebrows at the action but proceeded to cautiously gaze around until they heard faint noises in the room next to them. Ayan gripped Akk's fingers tighter, releasing them after and motioning for him to duck. 

The classroom window was not far from them. In an attempt to make themselves as small and unobtrusive as possible, they were slow to stop directly under the frame. Ayan's voice was so quiet that Akk was glad to be next to him. He wouldn't have heard him otherwise. "Whoever that is, shouldn't be here. The person slipped past the guards."

Akk's brow furrowed in confusion, and he sat up a little to scan the small room. But it was too dark to make out more than a rough outline of a person. He looked back at Ayan. "What are you up to?"

Instead of answering, the other pulled out his phone and opened the camera. The device wasn't of much help. It only displayed the silhouette when Ayan pressed record. Still, they both stared at the screen, transfixed by what the figure was going to do. Akk's thoughts were racing but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't recognize the person in front of them. He was about to comment on their height, as the screen got too bright for a moment, both of them squinting before realizing what had happened.

Ayan snapped out of it first, quick to jump up to his feet. The man behind the pane was turned away from the two teenagers. He was holding a brown notebook and shining a flashlight on it that had been pointed in the boy's direction just seconds ago.

Akk followed Ayan with a wave of his hand, grabbing the smaller one by his black jacket. "Stop. You can't just go in there."

"He has my notebook. Let me go, Akk. I have every right to go there now."

Akk tightened his lips, taking one last look at the man in the classroom before standing and pushing Ayan back. He threw an outraged gaze at him but Akk was stronger so it was no problem for him to bring the smaller one to the stairwell until they stood in front of each other, breathing heavily. 

Ayan's gaze wasn't as open and gentle as it had been just a few minutes ago. He almost looked harsh with the way his eyes squinted and his lips were pressed together. He tried to push the large body away from him, but the sound of a door slamming made them both abruptly pause. They exchanged a silent conversation, finally both taking the stairs, two at a time. 

As quietly as possible Akk leaned flat against the wall. If someone decided to look up the stairs, they wouldn't see him. Ayan stood further up, sat on the steps and watched Akk out of the darkness. He looked like he was waiting to say something. Akk could hear the accusing words before they left Ayan's mouth. He looked away.

Maybe it had started now, at this very moment, while they were waiting for the footsteps to disappear and for everything to fall silent again.

"Why did you stop me?" He walked towards Akk after enough time had passed and squeezed his shoulder, before pushing him back against the wall. "We don't even know for sure who had my book!"

Akk grimaced, was about to say something, but Ayan cut him off before he could reply. "Even now you're protecting your shitshow of a school, when they literally stole from me. Why did you show up here in the first place? Because if you did it just to let me down, stay at home next time."

"Do you even listen to yourself? You didn't even fucking know who that was. It's way after midnight. Who says the person wouldn't have attacked you?"

Ayan laughed coldly. "Oh, don't you worry about that. I'm sure the curse will catch up with me soon anyway."

The taller one clenched his jaw. "I told you I'd stop."

"Well you also told me that you would tell everyone about yourself. What about that, huh?" Ayan stepped closer to Akk and tapped his finger against his chest. "I don't know what to do with you anymore. The gang's doll burned down this afternoon and everyone was there except you." He almost spat the words at him.

Akk stared at the boy in front of him. "That doll they painted on?" He seemed frantic for a second, as if he was being watched, but there was nobody here except Ayan. The smaller one looked at him suspiciously. "Save yourself the act." His voice echoed louder than before between the walls. He was frustrated.

"Was anyone hurt?" Akk's wide eyes searched for the familiar anchor he saw in Ayan, but he couldn't grasp it, didn't even find it in the first place. He tried to reach out anyway but was met with a frightening nothingness. "Ayan, you have to believe me. I wasn't at school today."

"Yeah", Ayan pointed out, "I noticed."

"No I mean-" he took a breath, "I mean I wasn't here the whole day. I didn't set a foot in this building. I didn't do it. Ayan, I would tell you if it was me."

"Who else would have done it? Didn't the others tell you what happened?"

Oh. He had been ignoring his friends' calls all day.

Akk licked his lips as guilt tingled through his body. "Maybe it was the same person who's walking around with your notebook in the middle of the night."

Ayan smiled ironically as if that was already obvious. "Oh really? Wouldn't have thought of that." He stepped away from Akk, sighing heavily before going down the stairs. Akk followed him immediately. "Ayan, please-"

As he spoke the words, he remembered the beach. The dog. All the times the boy in the black jacket had followed him, called his name. Oh, Ayan, did you feel like this? Do you have someone to listen to you? Please turn around and talk.

Akk ran after him until they stepped back out of the school grounds.

"Stop following me. I don't want to talk to you."

"Come on, Ayan. Please." He jogged up to him. "Talk to me."

"No." He turned around. "I've listened to you so many times. I don't know what else to do, what to believe in, if anything you or other's say is true. I trusted you even though I knew you were behind it all. And it's hard, Akk, to keep doing that."

"It's true," Akk took a cautious step towards the younger. "It was me who brought back the curse. We talked about that. But since that evening, I haven't lifted a finger. It wasn't me who lit the doll."

Ayan nodded, more to himself than to Akk, taking a deep breath, not looking at the other. Akk wanted nothing more than to have Ayan look at him. For him to find the truth in his eyes like he used to. He wanted Ayan to read him like he knew everything there was to him. But how could Ayan see Akk if he never even recognized himself? Who was he outside of school anyway?

He was someone else to everyone he knew, showed every person a different side of him, only the student prefect being known by them all. Except for Ayan. But that's how it was, wasn't it? The only exception was always Ayan. But who was he for Ayan? Who was he for himself?

"Akk, listen to me," he seemed to hesitate for a moment before a hand gently cupped his cheek, "I don't want it to be you. I honestly hope for it to be someone else even though that would completely complicate things further."

And maybe it happened here too, because he wanted nothing more than to show the other that he felt the same. He wanted to return his touch, bring his hand up to his cheek and look at him as if he had hang every star up the sky himself. But he was afraid. Proximity to the only person he should stay away from made him run. Was that the final moment he went too far?

Maybe it wasn't their encounter, not the dog, not the judo nights, or the one Ayan spent at his flat. Maybe it was this very moment.

Going or staying - every option seemed wrong. Fighting back or going along - wrong, all wrong. He was scared as soon as Ayan was with him. But even more scared when he wasn't there. There was anxiety attached to everything he was familiar with. The rules of Suppalo, of Chadok, of disappointing those whose pride he had earned. No, he couldn't fail. But he didn't want to fail in front of Ayan either.

Ayan released him. He took a few steps back. "Let's talk tomorrow. Maybe we can both think a little better then."

He smiled at him again before getting in his car and driving off.

When Akk returned to his own apartment a little later, his head hurt and his eyes felt heavy with fatigue. He ran his fingers through his hair, contemplating going to sleep, but feeling too awake. Taking a shower? Yes, showering sounded good. The hot water took away some of today's exertion. But his mind didn't seem to come to rest. What was Ayan thinking at the moment? Tears stung his waterline, but he held them back.

With the comforting warmth of the shower he sat on the bed for a few moments. His eyes fell on the book that still lay untouched on his desk. 1984. Akk thought he understood the book well after they both attended the event but he still didn't read it. He struggled to understand Ayan's obsession with the book. That boy who knew so much about him, but of whom he knew almost nothing about in return.

He desperately felt a need tinge his consciousness to know the reason for his tears, his motivations and things that made him happy. Why was he so withdrawn? What had happened to him? Akk didn't want to be the only one to reveal himself. He wanted to meet Ayan as well. Maybe, if he was lucky, it would turn out that he didn't even like him for who he really was. Then it would at least be of help regarding this problem.

But if he was honest with himself, he understood that he just wanted to know more about him. No matter what came up. He wanted to be there for him, just as Ayan was always there for him too. The thought made him feel uneasy. Still he got up and picked up the book. He opened it, stared at the first page as he sat back against the pillows. 

He read different books than Ayan. He listened to different music. He didn't see the same websites. He saw the world differently because he was busy with other things. Wat was right. Maybe it would help him understand Ayan better. Even if it was just a small piece of the puzzle added to the big picture, he would still have a glimpse of what might to add next.

Taking a deep breath, Akk turned the page and began to read.

When he went to school the next day, he had put the book in his bag. He hadn't read everything, maybe only the first 50 pages. But he knew the course of the story from the lecture and he had looked up an extra summary on the internet. He smiled when he noticed how similar this was to what Ayan usually did. But did he know him better now?

Akk shifted nervously in his chair as the classroom slowly filled, looking outside to occupy himself. Therefore he didn't even notice how Ayan sat down next to him and looked at him intrigued from the side, the usual grin on his lips again. "Good morning, Big Foot."

Rolling his eyes, Akk turned to him. "Morning." Automatically, his heart beat faster, noticing the unchanged dynamic between them. Maybe everything was fine after all.

"Let's talk," Akk sat down next to Ayan on the benches by the sports field.

The smaller one looked up from his phone and flipped his jacket to the other side so Akk could get closer. He must have been here for a while.

"Sure, okay", he focused his attention on Akk. "Let's do this. Do you wanna start, or?"

Akk looked around uncertainly, played with the sleeve of his sports jacket. "Yes, I- I can do that." He closed his eyes for a few seconds before beginning to explain himself: "Wait, just so we are on the same page, I want to apologize to you. I'm sorry for handling everything so badly. But I really didn't know about what was going on."

He put his hands on his legs, then under it, shifting around. "I was at two other schools yesterday as the head of the Student Prefect Club. I had to present Suppalo and why it would be the right choice to transfer here."

Ayan narrowed his eyes, but Akk continued. "I don't know who that was in the classroom yesterday or why he had your notebook. I don't know if it was the same person who wants to harm the World Remembers Gang." He looked at Ayan, receiving his attentive gaze, "but I do assume that this is all connected."

It was sunnier this afternoon than the days before. Akk pushed up the sleeves of his jacket a little as the warm wind made his already nervous body feel too much. The janitors' lawn mower could be heard a little behind them.

Ayan nodded slowly. "I thought of something similar later on." He sighed. "I'm sorry too, for blaming you. It's just hard for me sometimes, to trust you fully, when you're so committed to the school and its principles."

"Same to you," Akk raised an eyebrow defiantly, "It's no different for me. You're everything I disagree with."

"Then why did you show up yesterday? You wouldn't have responded to my message if you didn't want to find out about the school too."

The silence that followed Ayan's question seemed so much louder than any words Akk could have spoken. Ayan's face lit up in a surprised smile. "I was right? Wow, maybe we wouldn't make such a bad team together after all, huh?"

"I think we would make an even better one if you would tell me about yourself", he tried again, "Why are you here? What is your goal? You avoid me, every time I ask you these questions."

Ayan backed away, pulling his gaze from Akk for the first time since the Prefect had turned to him. The mood changed. As always, Akk remarked, when the two talked about Ayan's motives. Why did the boy who encouraged everyone to show their voices had trouble using his own in this regard? And yet:

"Do you still have classes?"

Akk shook his head in confusion. "No."

"Good", Ayan got up and put his jacket back on, "come with me."

When Akk didn't react immediately, Ayan gave him a little push, put his hands on his back to make him move forward and out of the school. It took them some time to walk side by side again, other students throwing curious glances their way. Thua was also there and came towards them to greeted them both. "Are you going back together?"

"I wanted to show Akk something." He looked back at Ayan, who was replying with an amused smile.

"Because of the presentation we have to do for Teacher Sani's class," Akk quickly added, "we had to work it out in pairs."

Thua hesitated for a moment before nodding slowly and letting out an understanding hum. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Have fun!"

Ayan nodded after him, still smiling, whereas Akk looked a bit annoyed. "Do you like Thua?"

"Why?" Surprised, Ayan turned to him before they walked on. "Are you jealous?"

"Of course not." His answer came a few seconds too soon. "I was just curious."

"Ah," Ayan chuckled as he wrapped an arm around the taller boy's waist but was immediately pushed away, "Of course."

The way to Ayan's house was quiet. Akk stared out the window, as if the passing city might tell him or prepare him for what Ayan was about to say. He didn't even ask about the time or place, anything. It didn't seem important enough to break the silence. Was Ayan thinking about what he would tell him? Maybe he won't say anything after all? Hopefully Akk hadn't misunderstood his request and the elder would actually reveal something about himself.

Akk didn't wait for Ayan as he walked through the large apartment for the second time. He had already been surprised at how spacious and modern it looked on his first visit. It wasn't envy that had hit him back then. Rather, he felt reminded of their differences. Akk wasn't privileged to grow up in an upper class family. He didn't complain about it either. It had just felt weird to him at that moment. As if new expectations had suddenly affected him that he hadn't thought about before.

"You seem to be comfortable with me." Ayan closed the door to his room. His stuff landed on a chair.

"I just remembered where your room is."

"Still," he took Akk's bag from him, getting a little closer than he probably had to. "I'd be happy to take you home with me more often."

Smiling, he took a step back and put Akk's backpack on his desk. Akk shifted from one foot to the other, momentarily disconcerted before focusing again. "Stop acting so shameless already. Why did you bring me here? What did you want to tell me?"

He leaned against the desk. "You ruined the mood." Ayan scoffed but a shadow drew across his face. He shifted his weight, obviously uncomfortable and on the verge of saying nothing. 

Akk wished he could make it easier for him. He wasn't like Ayan, not everyone could tell him something about themselves with ease, wanting to open up to him because he made them feel comfortable. And he has never missed this quality as much as at this moment.

At least, he admitted to himself, he knew when to be patient. So he took his eyes off Ayan as to not put pressure on him, only looking up again when the older boy took a deep breath. "Let's-" he faltered, "go out onto the balcony. I need fresh air."

Understandable, the taller of the two nodded and silently followed Ayan to the pool. He hadn't seen it before, was surprised for a moment until he realized that he probably shouldn't be. Of course, Ayan had a pool.

Finally Ayan leaned against the railing of the balcony, and Akk did the same, looking down at the city. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Ayan stifled his upcoming tears with quick blinking. He looked down at his hands that felt pointless in their own existence, having nothing to hold on to when Ayan was right there.

After a while, Ayan laughed softly. The sound was stained with sadness. "Why is this so difficult?"

He looked at Akk, who seemed like he wanted to give him a hug. Ayan's eyes glittered in the light of the afternoon sun because of the tears that were just about to break free from his eyes and slowly roll down his cheeks. He sniffed. "Dika - you asked how he's doing."

Confused, not understanding the context, Akk couldn't help but answer a cautious "yes". His gaze probably looked so focused it must have been burning on Ayan's skin.

Mild wind blew a few strands of hair across Ayan's face. "He is dead."

Akk's eyes grew huge, his face drawn in shock.

"He killed himself."

Ayan's lips trembled, the tears falling from his eyes like small drops of clear glass. Akk found himself struggling not to grimace at the sudden pain. His own throat felt heavy, and he reached out for Ayan. The boy seized his hand in a desperation that brought tears to Akk's own eyes. "Why?" The word seemed to take so much strength as it forced itself outside his lips.

Ayan's gaze averted, for a second looked back at Akk before he closed his eyes and a few single tears made their way down his usually so confident face. "I don't know," Akk ran his thumb over the back of Ayan's hand, feeling Ayan's pain so close, it almost felt like it was his own. He opened his eyes wider to keep from crying.

Akk took the older man in his arms, put one hand on his head and stroked his back with the other. And finally, he too, broke. They cried together, a mess of whimpers and sobs being swept away by the air that suddenly seemed to cut at their skin. Nothing gentle and warm about it anymore. Memories of the former teacher seemed to frame them as Akk imagined what must have happened to push him to such an action. Hadn't he lived a good life up until then?

Admittedly, Akk didn't know much about Dika. He knew his background and his admirable way of dealing with students. But that didn't make him realize what he must have been thinking, what problems he had carried. Akk's chest tightened as he felt Ayan shudder in his arms and put some distance between them again. With his sleeve he wiped his own tears from his expression.

"I switched to Suppalo because I wanted to find out what happened to him."

"You think the school has something to do with it?"

"Open your eyes, Akk." Ayan gave him a tired look, contracted and infinitely frustrated. "Chadok tries everything to enforce his principles. He uses his students, even the teachers. What do you think he's doing to you?"

"I'm just here to keep Suppalo alive in it's tradition."

"But at what cost? Akk, you brought the curse back yourself!"

He took a breath to say something, but words didn't help. Chaos lay around him. He might try to tidy everything up, arrange the stacks, discard the burdens. But all he did was stand in the middle with Ayan and wonder where it all went wrong.

His voice sounded foreign to himself as he spoke. "Finding out what happened won't bring him back." He squinted his eyes at the inherent tactlessness in his statement. "Who was Dika to you?"

He, along with Khan, had already speculated that Ayan was grieving over his boyfriend, that it was him who died at the cliff- Akk tensed up. Dika had jumped off the cliff. The realization came like a punch in the stomach. He remembered the white rose, Ayan's tears, their drinking night on which Ayan disappeared.

Oh, how painful it could be to add new pieces to the puzzle. So painful, when they fit together.

Too lost in his thoughts, Akk didn't notice how Ayan took out his phone. It took him a few seconds to unlock it before he started scrolling through his photos. Confused, Akk tried to get a better look at his display. But it didn't take long and Ayan turned the phone himself.

"Dika was my uncle." His phone showed a picture of the two together at the Café for All. It must have been taken a few months prior. Ayan wore his hair differently than he does now. It was styled down, his gaze so joyful and soft in the camera. Akk looked away. Seeing them, he could only guess, how much Dika must have meant to Ayan.

"I- I'm sorry." Akk's understanding of what he believed to be true was shattered, his reality crumbling. He felt drained.

"You didn't know any better."

Not knowing what to say, he nodded. His cheeks felt cold from the light breeze. Ayan was the first to pull himself together and lock his phone. The two didn't speak as they walked back inside and the mood settled heavily onto their shoulders. Ayan took a shower while Akk sat down at the desk, his head in his hands. His thoughts seemed to be so loud that he wondered if Ayan could hear them from where he was.

Akk remembered the book he had read that morning. He realized, he understood it better now. A small part of him wanted to read on and see what he might have failed to notice up until now. He wished it didn't make so much sense. Like he had felt better not knowing. But now he couldn't turn his back and run away anymore.

When Ayan came back, he sat down on his bed, opposite to Akk. "Do you want to stay here tonight?" He sounded exhausted. 

The taller one shook his head slightly. "I still have to finish the chemistry assignment."

Ayan hummed in understanding, got up and pulled his book out from under his desk. "Here. You can take my stuff."

While Akk worked, Ayan took a towel and sleeping clothes out for him. He busied himself with his phone until the other looked up and announced he was done. They ate something together and after Akk had also taken a shower, they lay down in bed together. Eyes opened towards the ceiling, Akk pulled the blanket up to his shoulders.

"Thank you for opening up to me." He felt Ayan's gaze. "I've been trying to understand you better for some time now, even read the book you carry around with you."

"You read 1984?"

"Yeah," Akk smiled. "And I didn't understand it. Like, I knew what was happening. But I didn't find you in it. I turned the pages and hoped you would appear in the words, but you weren't there."

He heard Ayan turn around to him. The blanket slipped a little over his body. "But after you told me more about yourself and your story, I have a feeling I can recognize you in it now. I couldn't find you because I didn't know enough about what you really looked like. Behind your cocky facade, I mean." He grinned at Ayan for a moment, turning fully towards the other. "It seems easier now. Thanks for trusting me enough for this. I think I understand you better now."

Ayan watched him carefully, scooted a little closer to Akk. The pale light made the two faintly identify each other in the otherwise dim room. Ayan's eyes seemed to carry the familiar universe within them.

"Thank you," Ayan lifted a hand to Akk's cheek and gently caressed the skin that was still slightly sore from crying. "It means a lot to me."

He met Akk's eyes as if considering whether he liked what Ayan did. Approaching him cautiously, he leaned slightly over him. "I want to kiss you. A thank you doesn't seem to do my feelings justice."

They locked eyes and Akk suddenly became aware of his own heartbeat. His cheeks must have been pink, his eyes round. He licked his lips, risked a look at Ayan's.

The boy above him leaned forward a little more. There was so little distance that Akk closed his eyes. But just before their lips could touch, Ayan hesitated. Confused, the younger one opened his eyes.

"Give me permission. I won't kiss you if you don't want me to." As he spoke, Akk exhaled slowly, completely transfixed in his trance. Oh, he wanted nothing more than for Ayan to close that gap between them.

"Ayan", he squeezed his eyes shut, feeling embarrassed despite the excitement running fast through his body. 

Now that Ayan spoke it out loud it felt like he was inviting Akk to join him in an experience of their own, only theirs, with neither witnesses nor judges. Akk raised a hand to put it on the back of Ayan's head, curling his dark hair loosely around his fingers. Summoning his last bit of courage, he locked eyes with Ayan. "Kiss me already."

Almost immediately soft lips pressed against his own, his eyes closing accordingly and his grip on Ayan's hair tightening slightly.

The times he had imagined kissing Ayan, he had always expected the older one to pull him into a quick kiss, a hungry one, making him forget to breathe for the moment. And although he was convinced of the latter, he was surprised when Ayan gave him so much savory. He seemed enveloped by Ayan, finding his scent and proximity so familiar now that he was allowed to feel it.

Akk exhaled weakly against Ayan's lips as he pulled away only to rejoin their lips at a better angle. He returned Ayan's touch cautiously, following his rhythm and quickly finding out that the other liked to kiss slowly but with no lack in sensuality. Goosebumps erupted on his arms, stretching down his shoulders as he tentatively opened his mouth.

Ayan leaned completely over him now, pushing Akk a little further into the mattress. He liked the way Ayan felt above him, pressed against his body, liked his weight on his own as if it always belonged there. Ayan sighed against Akk's mouth as he placed his hands on the other's hips. It was so simple: no thoughts, just Ayan and his soft lips. Oh, what he would give to always fill his head with Ayan. 

The boy, who tasted of sweet chaos, gave him peace like no one had ever done before.

 "Akk", Ayan whispered his name between quick kisses. The resulting sounds sent pleasant shivers down Akk's spine.

Slowly they broke apart, Akk leaning forward one last time to place his lips on the other's. A few more seconds. A little bit longer. Just your name and nothing else: Ayan.

Then they looked at each other. Suddenly, everything came back to them, where they were and what they were doing. The sounds of traffic from the open window were louder now and the low hum of the air conditioning started to creep across Akk's senses again. 

He licked his lips and liked that they tasted differently. Gently he took his arms away from Ayan so he could lay down next to him again. Their eyes found each other easily.

"You're blushing."

"Good night, Ayan." He turned around, avoiding the knowing gaze.

"My nickname is Aye." He called him out in frustration. "We've kissed now and you still call me by my name."

"I said good night."

Akk closed his eyes, but he heard Ayan giggle before he lay down closer to him. It took a few moments, but the taller one overcame his hesitation and opened his arms so that he could close them around Ayan.

Akk was the first to wake up but waited until the alarm went off before he opened his eyes and dared to risk a gaze in Ayan's direction. Remembering their kiss from yesterday, he felt distant now in the early sunlight. But when he met Ayan's gentle gaze, he seemed to forget his uneasiness.

"Good morning," Ayan smiled at him like everything was alright. Like it was all just about the two of them and nothing else.

Akk's head was still throbbing slightly when he sat up, and he remembered that it wasn't actually alright. A better look at Ayan, who was still lying on the pillows, gave him confirmation that they both looked exhausted from yesterday. Akk sighed and returned the greeting.

The morning passed quietly, quite slowly. Since they both hadn't gotten much sleep, everything seemed to be taking twice as long as on normal days. But somehow Akk liked getting ready with the older, getting his things from him and leaving the building together.

Akk's hand was already on the door of the car as he realized he didn't know how they should say goodbye now. What did last night's kiss mean? He couldn't consistently rely on Ayan to take that step. He also had to think for himself what he wanted from the black-haired boy with the mischievous smile. Realizing to himself that he wanted to kiss him was one thing. But was it more?

"See you later, darling", Ayan gave him a wink before the taller one could get out.

Akk's cheeks felt hot as he stepped into the tall building to look for his friends. Stepping into the school, seeing the familiar faces and greeting the teachers on his way to his friends, he felt like the night with Ayan was part of another world that could never meet the one he entered right now.

The further he walked away from Ayan physically, the more he seemed to put something between them mentally too. And he absolutely despised that feeling. He wanted to stay connected to Ayan the way he was after his reveal yesterday night.

Dreading being away from him already, he went to his friend's regular meetup-place but just as he was confused about why no one was there waiting for him like usual, a message arrived from teacher Chadok. He called him to the room where they used to hold their Prefect meetings. Confused, Akk went in the other direction and met Ayan again, who only gave him a similarly surprised look.

He met Khan and Wat, both also sprinting up the stairs at the sudden notification. "Why is there a meeting?" Akk joined the two.

It turned out that the parents were aware of what went down these last days at Suppalo. Most of them wanted confirmation of their children's safety and that it wasn't being actively compromised at the school. Chadok instructed the Prefects on their task again, finally stepping directly in front of Akk.

"The school's image is endangered." Akk felt embarrassed as the teacher raised his voice at him, "Make sure the students behave. If you follow the rules, nothing will happen that requires the attention of the parents. The least you can do is don't misuse my trust."

"Yes", Akk nodded on autopilot, slowly backing off and walking off with the others when Chadok dismissed them for class. However, before he could leave the room, Ms. Sani called for him again.

There were only her and Mr. Chadok in the room, but he too now walked away with a last, skeptical look in her direction.

"Sorry, Akk. You can go right back to the others. I just wanted to talk to you about Ayan."

 "Ayan?"

"Yeah," the teacher leaned against the desk. "Do you know if he's still involved in the protests?"

Akk frowned. "I don't know, Miss. After the teachers picked on him during classes, he didn't attract much attention."

"Oh, I see", she nodded, eyes downcast. "That's all I wanted to know. You can go, Akk. Thanks."

"No problem, Miss."

Akk was late to his history class because of Sani. He apologized to Mrs. Waree, but she didn't say much. Akk's status as the head prefect had gotten him out of situations like this before. He sat down next to Ayan, who was already looking at him.

"Where have you been?" he asked the moment Akk sat down. His voice was low so he wouldn't interrupt the class.

"Pay attention."

Ayan rolled his eyes. "Tell me first."

After a few seconds, glancing carefully at the teacher, he quietly tried to explain. "Chadok asked the Prefects for a meeting. He wanted to-"

Mrs. Waree loudly dropped the heavy history book on the front table. Some students twitched, Akk and Ayan looked ahead in shock.

"Akk. You seem to be feeling a little too comfortable today. First you're late and now you're shamelessly talking to Ayan during my lesson. I'll get you both a warning."

Ayan shot him a worried look. Akk instead stood up slowly, wanting to explain himself, but Mrs. Waree gave him a harsh gesture with her hand that this wasn't welcome. "Sit down. I don't want to hear any excuses right now."

Ayan's gaze was still on Akk, but the latter was staring straight ahead. The older tried to carefully find his hand under the table. But before he could reach him, Akk grabbed a pen and started writing down notes.

It wasn't until their judo practice that the two saw each other again. They stepped onto the mat and tightly gripped each other's clothing.

"Akk, I'm sorry that-"

"Not now. Let's talk after practice."

They took a few steps back. "Stop avoiding me."

Akk raised an eyebrow, tightened his grip as if to say "watch me". In a second the other was on the floor. They looked into each other's eyes as they had done so many times before. Akk was afraid to look, not less afraid to look away. He closed his eyes for a moment too long before he exhaled and let go of Ayan to get up.

But he seemed to have other thoughts, quickly grabbing Akk's loose sleeve so he couldn't help but sit down next to him. Ayan straightened up too but stayed silent. It was as if Ayan wanted to give Akk the time he needed to express his thoughts. The mood still made the prefect feel weird. Everything had been fine between the two of them this morning, but the normal pattern of the day brought Akk so easily back to his own labyrinth, secluding him in it's tangled system.

Was he allowed to get lost to Ayan again?

"This morning the Prefects had a spontaneous meeting about the World Remembers Gang incident."

"Huh?" Ayan leaned back on his palms.

"You wanted to know where I was."

 "Right, yeah, you mentioned something like that earlier," Ayan's brows drew together slightly, as they always did when he was thinking. "What did Chadok say?"

"He just warned us again. About how we should stop the protests because the media is more and more getting involved, parents included."

Ayan nodded, clearly disagreeing with Chadok's methods.

"But teacher Sani asked for you."

"For me? How come?"

Akk shrugged, "I don't know. She wanted to know if you're still so blatantly working against the school."

"What did you answer?"

Akk's mouth twitched up. "I told her you don't have anything else on your mind. All you can think about is what rules to break next."

"Oh?" Ayan scooted closer to the younger one. "You know me so well, don't you?"

Akk was still smiling until Ayan put a hand on his neck.  "What are you doing?"

"Well?" Ayan cocked his head. "You just said it yourself. I'm only thinking about breaking the rules." He leaned in closer to Akk, who backed away uncertainly. "And I just came up with a new way." His gaze slid down to Akk's lips.

"Not here." Despite dismissing him, Akk didn't turn his head to the side like he used to.

"Okay." Ayan paused, smiled at him and stood up. He looked expectantly at Akk while walking backwards a bit.

"Where are you going now?" Akk followed him, confused. But instead of giving an answer, Ayan walked out of the gym. "Hey!" Akk was going after him. "We can't just leave everything here!"

Ayan kept walking as if he hadn't heard him. Akk rolled his eyes, struggling to ignore his own racing heartbeat as he slowly caught up to the boy. And as soon as he closed the door to the lockers room behind him, Ayan was up in his space.

Akk forgot to breathe as Ayan's hands settled on his waist. He was as close to him as he just had been on the mat, maybe even a little bit closer. Afraid that his knees might give out on him, Akk gripped the thick fabric of the other's judo suit, pressing his lips firmly to Ayan's. The older returned the kiss so sweetly that Akk readjusted his grip on the clothing to grab it tighter.

It was a short kiss, their lips warm against each other. Ayan contentedly sighed as Akk pulled away, smiling at him.

After they actually finished their training, it was already dark outside. Just a few last rays of sunshine warmed the roofs of the Suppalo building in soft orange. Akk and Ayan walked alongside to the latter's car. 

Ayan looked ahead, the late light of the sun laying picturesquely on his face. Akk didn't quite know what to make of their relationship. They kissed, looked up to each other, they knew each other, their friends and their families.

Akk took a deep breath. He wouldn't fool himself. Of course there was some kind of something forming between them. But he didn't know how to react to the fact that he suddenly liked this closeness to Ayan when he had shied away from it the whole time. He liked the way the other looked at him, liked his playfulness, his sharp words.

Still, he didn't know how much he could allow himself to feel. Ayan always seemed to do the thinking for him. He left no faux pas for Akk, boldly walked the path ahead and just looked at him patiently, as if he were whispering "trust me".

"What are you doing tomorrow?" They stopped in front of Ayan's car.

"Probably study. We have exams soon."

"Do you want to come to the café with me?" His brownish eyes glittered. "In the afternoon, I mean. You could also study there."

When Akk didn't respond right away, Ayan added, "I just want to spend some time with you."

"As in, a date?" An older man pushed past the two students. Ayan waited until he passed them before continuing. A smile twitched his face.

"Yes, a date. I invite you. Is that okay?"

The good thing about Ayan was that Akk knew he would understand. He'd understand if he didn't go with him, if he would push him away like he had done so many times before. But he hadn't pushed him away at the lockers today, or yesterday in bed or on the balcony by the pool. The day before, he had walked to Ayan in the middle of the night, although he knew that even as a Prefect he was no longer allowed to be in school at that time.

He felt guilty for keeping Ayan at arm's length the whole time while the other was content with whatever little part he received of him. Akk looked up. "I've never been on a date." And while it might not have been what he was trying to say, Ayan responded with hopeful and happy eyes. "Then it's definitely about time."

Despite the fact that the sun had slowly disappeared behind the house, Akk felt warm.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" Ayan reached up and dangled the key to his car between his fingers.

"It's fine. I wanted to take a walk anyway."

"Are you sure? Not everyone has the opportunity to be taken home by their date the day before." The grin found its place back on his lips.

Akk blinked at him. "You already took me home with you yesterday, shameless. I think I can manage."

Ayan grabbed his hand as Akk tried to pass past him. "At least let me say bye to you." He looked at the smaller one, confused, but quickly realizing what he was up to.

Ayan tiptoed to be slightly taller so he could place a light kiss on Akk's cheek. He stayed close even after he had pulled away, testing his chance at catching another kiss on Akk's lips. But the taller quickly pushed him away, hellbound on hiding his red cheeks. "See you tomorrow, Ayan."

"It's Aye!" he heard behind him before he already turned the corner.

"You really think so? I don't believe Mrs. Waree even noticed you that much today."

Akk guided the straw of his soft drink to his mouth, already having forgotten his study notes that were still lying on the table between Ayan and him. At first he had really hoped to be able to revise a bit, but apparently Ayan had fun seeking his attention. So it didn't take long for Akk to give up in frustration.

He hadn't set foot in the café since the last time he was there with the older. But he had to admit that he felt more comfortable with Ayan more or less officially by his side now. He kept expecting people to turn their heads or someone from school to come through the door and see the two of them together. But after a while he realized that the people here didn't care. No one questioned why the two were sitting here, whether they were friends or more. Akk was beginning to understand why Ayan liked coming here.

"How could she not? You distracted me the whole lesson."

Ayan smiled. "I can't help it if you choose to focus on me."

Akk sighed in irritation, shaking the last sip of his drink in his hand. "If you do that again, I'll punch you."

"I thought we were over that already." Ayan leaned forward, arching an eyebrow. "Or do you want me to kiss you?"

Akk found it difficult not to choke on his drink at the statement, only throwing a frustrated look in Ayan's direction and downing the last bit of his drink.

Ayan had finished his already but he waited until Akk was done to put both cups away, his grin still so prominent on his face when he came back. Akk felt like kissing it off his face. But before he could entertain this idea any further, he glanced at his phone, frowning at his own thoughts.

It was already after 6pm and some messages from Wat and Khan were flooding his screen. But he decided to reply them later. He didn't want to think about school right now. 

"Should we head back?" He looked at Ayan, who nodded and helped him put his books back in his bag.

"If you want to stud-" Ayan cut himself off as one of the waiters approached them before they left the café.

"Excuse me for interrupting you guys. But today we're giving out these free pins to anyone who wants one." She held out a small bowl containing various pins, each with a different LGBTQIA+ flag on it. "It's our 10 year anniversary so we thought we could give something back to our costumers."

Ayan looked through it a bit before he grabbed a rainbow colored one. "Thanks", he smiled looking expectantly at Akk, who was watching everything a little uncertain and contemplating. At last, he shook his head slightly. "None for me, but thank you. It's a .. really cool idea to do this."

The waitress nodded smilingly and said goodbye to the two. Akk expected Ayan to ask him why he hadn't taken a button, but instead the other turned to him happily in the parking lot. "Can you pin it to my jacket?"

"Oh, sure." Akk took the little button from him and used his hands to push Ayan around until he was facing the lantern. Ayan watched him as he opened the pin.

"Here?" Akk held the button next to the word "Solstice" that was already on the jacket. Ayan nodded slightly.

"You wanted to say something before the stuff came to us."

"Huh?" Ayan tilted his head up as he thought back. "Ah! I just wanted to say, you can study later if you want. I don't want you to get bad grades because of me."

"Don't worry, shortstop." Akk took a step back from Ayan when he was done fumbling with the pin. "I'll be fine."

"How do I look?" Ayan turned a little, letting the metal pin gleam slightly in the dim lantern's light.

It put a smile on Akk's face. Ayan seemed happy as he looked up at him, beaming with his new rainbow button. Akk couldn't help but remark to himself that he could never wear the pin as confidently and proudly as Ayan did. 

But Ayan had made it clear to him often enough that this was okay. And while he may not be recognized as part of the community by a piece of jewelry, it didn't make him any less of a boy who was falling in love with another boy.

"It looks good on you."

In the evening, Akk took his time to reply to the messages of Wat and Khan. His friends had worried about the protests and about Chadok's rigorous words. But most of all they worried about Akk. And even though he shrugged off their affection, a comforting feeling spread through him at the fact.

"What are you doing?" Ayan had put his phone down in the meantime and turned to Akk.

The younger sent one final message before locking his phone. "I texted Khan and Wat."

"Mhm", Ayan's voice sounded so soft next to him.

He turned to him, after putting his phone away, so he could face him too. Akk liked the way Ayan looked at him through half-closed eyes. No, today he really didn't want to think anymore. Not about the curse, not about the protests, or the school. Just Ayan - as he slowly got used to now.

"Do you have enough space?" Ayan nodded, but contrary to his words, slid a little closer to Akk.

A part of Akk vaguely wondered how much longer they could share their time together like this. With everything that was happening around them, it seemed like they were moving in borrowed time and the inevitable goal of separation slowly clawed itself in their space, in their words and their touches.

"Thanks for going on the date with me today."

Akk wanted to keep pretending that everything was fine.

"It wasn't that bad." His grin widened as Ayan playfully hit his arm for the comment.

After the date they had decided to go back to Akk's apartment this time and Ayan had more or less invited himself to spend the night at his place.

Akk's heart was pounding hard in his chest, he almost felt it in his stomach as the corners of their smiles slowly lowered. And this time he was the one who raised a hand to Ayan's cheek.

Only very gently at first, as if he could hurt himself or Ayan if he dared to come closer. But then the older one nuzzled into his hand just as tender in response and Akk took it as a sign to keep going. Ayan's skin felt warm under his fingertips as he slid his hand from his cheek to the back of his neck, running it through the roots of his hair for a moment.

He felt goosebumps forming under his touch, exhaling shakily at the realization, that he was causing them. Ayan's hair was still slightly wet from the shower, Akk could see a small bead of water coming loose from a strand and dripping onto his temple. When his gaze left it, he quietly studied Ayan's face.

The last time they'd gotten this close in the safe space of their apartment, they hadn't given each other that much time. They had been far too concerned with taking everything they were offered. Akk's lips tingled at the thought of the way Ayan kissed him a few days ago. But now, without rushing, they took the time to notice what even such light touches did to the other.

Oh, Akk almost cried when Ayan read his wishes from his eyes and met him with as much caution and trust as he tried to give him. The older one slid up to Akk, pulled his hand out from under the blanket to also put it on Akk's face, caressing his cheek and his temple, his nose and chin.

Ayan's eyes seemed to follow his own touches until they settled on his lips, while his fingers now danced across Akk's neck, causing the fine hairs there to stand up. Ayan slowly looked up again, as if trying to memorize everything in his gaze. His eyes held an unspoken question and Akk tightened his grip on the back of the older's head on impulse.

Ayan complied with the gesture, leaning slightly closer but not close enough. He stopped near his lips like he did the other day before and Akk's fingertips tingled as he felt Ayan's warm breath beading over his lips, giving him a way out and a chance to back off. When he looked up, Ayan watched him, making it Akk's turn to carefully lean forward, very lightly laying his lips on the other boy.

Akk sighed into the kiss, only closing his eyes when Ayan did. They fell easily into their familiar rhythm, moving with so much mutual appreciation that Akk tugged at strands of Ayan's hair to accommodate his feelings. He didn't know what to do with the desire to cry, to laugh, to hide, or to step out and speak his feelings. Take it. Anything you want, it is yours. I am yours.

They both pushed the blanket aside at the same moment to press against each other. Ayan's hand held the taller one by his side, gripping his shirt. Instinctively, Akk parted his lips wider, Ayan responding by kissing him more firmly. He felt his hands, his body against his own. Everything was just right, burning so pleasantly hot against his sensitive skin. He desperately grabbed Ayan's arm as the older sucked on his tongue, his lips.

They broke apart for a moment, but Akk kept his eyes closed. Looking at the other now would have finally driven him insane. He already heard how hard Ayan was breathing, but what made him almost fall into a delirium, was feeling it against his lips. He shuddered slightly, breathing simultaneously with him and completely being taken over by the fact of how utterly near they were. Ultimately it was Ayan who closed the gap again.

Akk returned his eagerness, pushing the boy back by his shoulders so he could lean over him. Ayan's lips were so kissable. In Akk's daze, they seemed to taste of the sunrise and early mornings. 

Akk kissed the corner of Ayan's mouth and the other quickly seemed to understand, turning his head slightly to the side as the younger let his lips brush his chin and then his ear. He listened to Ayan's gasps, his tightened grip on his torso, noticing what he liked and what not so much.

With a blurred vision he looked down at the smaller one who seemed so cute at that moment, with his lips red and swollen from their kissing, blushed cheeks and slightly tousled hair. With some embarrassment, Akk noticed, that he probably didn't look any different.

He leaned back down again and placed light butterfly kisses on Ayan's neck, using two fingers to carefully pull the collar of his shirt down a bit. His gaze fell on the chain Ayan wore. He had noticed it before. The silver jewel showed a partial solar eclipse. A part of the sun was still visible, but the moon almost completely covered it.

"Okay?" Akk looked up at Ayan, waited for his nod before placing his hand on the pendant, kissing around the accessory where it rested on his chest. With all the admiration he felt for the boy below him, he pressed his lips to the skin as tender as he could.

How could the boy who wore the eclipse around his neck taste of sunshine, warmth and light?

Akk felt Ayan dig his fingers under his shirt, pressing against the soft skin at his waist, then his lower back. Akk gasped in surprise, leaning back over Ayan so he could pull him into another heated kiss.

They reached out for each other tightly, Ayan lifting a leg around Akk's waist. Their upper bodies touching, they turned sideways again at one point, lying side by side before Ayan pushed the taller one down onto the mattress to sit on his lap.

Breathing heavily, he removed his own shirt and then went to work on Akks. He let them slide out of his grip, letting them fall down next to the bed.

They wasted no time anymore, quickly meeting again in an almost revealing kind of kiss. Akk pulled up his shoulders slightly, keeping up with the new pace as every touch seemed to not be enough anymore.

Feeling Ayan's warm skin against his own made him want to ask for more. But when, after a while, the smaller one leaned his forehead against his and ever so slowly drew back from Akk, they found themselves back in the comfortable silence and Akk understood.

"Not yet," Ayan looked at him through dark eyes. "Let's wait a little."

Akk didn't trust himself to speak, only gave a slight nod and let his head sink back into the pillow, eyes closed. Ayan didn't move. Instead fingertips drew vague patterns across Akk's shoulders, across his chest, down his stomach. Akk's heartbeat slowed a little more with each touch, his tense muscles calming down again. The goosebumps remained, however, so he snuggled his own fingertips evenly over the other's upper body, mimicking his touch, wanting to give him the same feeling of calmness that he received.

Tenderly, he ran light touches over Ayan's tattoo on his hip, reading the inscription. His eyes settled on the other place, the older had covered in blank ink. Carefully he ran his fingertips along it too before resting his hand on the thigh.

Ayan smiled, placing a grateful kiss on his lips.

Akk hesitated before speaking, parting his lips, then closing them again and finally sighing. "It feels good being with you like this." He repeated Ayan's words back at him, knowing that they came closest to express his mess of emotions.

Ayan's eyes sparkled which almost made Akk curse himself for not telling him something like this sooner. Suddenly he wanted to repeat it again, and maybe another time, just to see the loving smile that suited Ayan so well.

"I like spending time with you." Ayan listened to the thoughtful words, not interrupting him, giving the Prefect all the time to gather his thoughts and speak them aloud. 

Akk closed his eyes. "But I'm still scared." He rubbed his lips together, searching for words, gestures, meaning. Everything seemed to slip past his grip, the moment he reached out. Suddenly the chaos from which he had been hiding with Ayan was back again. "It's like we're pretending that we're alright, that everything is fine when I can't even openly show you how I feel. Fuck, I can't even say it when it's just the two of us alone."

He took a deep, shuddering breath. "I feel like I'm wasting your time, holding you back. I don't have the freedom to live like you do."

"Like-" Akk lifted his hands, feeling the fine chain on Ayan's neck. "Like you are the sun and I am the moon. And as soon as we get closer, it inevitably dims our light." His voice sounded thin. "I don't want to be the reason you suddenly find yourself in darkness."

"Oh, Akk," Ayan raised a hand to his cheek, caressing it with intent, looking at him like he was the only person that mattered. "Akk, baby, look at me, please."

"It's not your fault if I lose my light. You have no control over it at all. Neither do I." He was leaning so far forward that Akk could see nothing but him. He exuded a certainty that Akk unconsciously reached for, even though he didn't want to. "Things happen the way they do. Rarely does a part of it belong to us so we can influence it. I understand your fear. That's okay. But remember, if there's an eclipse, there will also always be all these other stars, dangling in the sky and gladly providing their light. We face no damnation the moment we get close. We are here, together. We're doing well and we do even better when with each other. That alone should be enough of a reason to try and stay like this."

"Maybe you really are like the sun."

Ayan frowned in confusion at Akk's words.

"You're way too optimistic for your own good."

Akk laughed, but it wasn't really meant to be serious. What he really wanted to say was: It's okay to ask for something in return. Please save some of your light so you have enough left for yourself when you need it.

Ayan excitedly knocked at Akk's apartment a few days later, walking right past him to the center of his room before turning around with a huge smile. "I have something for you."

Akk closed the door, returning to the other and making some space for him to sit because his books and notes still covered majority of the bed. "A gift?"

"Exactly!" Ayan swung his backpack over one shoulder, making it easier for him to reach and pull something out. Looking jittery in his delight, he reached out and held it right in front of Akk's face.

Only when he took the little package from him and looked at it in his hands, did he realize that he gave him star stickers, the ones that glowed in the dark. Akk looked up. He couldn't think of any words that would be appropriate enough to explain the amount of love that he felt at the simple gesture.

Slightly overwhelmed, he pulled Ayan into a hug, the stars still in his hand, and wrapped his arms around his back, pressing his face into his shoulder. He felt safe, protected. As if the stars not only reached their light through the chaos, but showed him a way to be with Ayan too. And right now he wanted nothing more than that.

"Do you know how to put the stars on the ceiling?" Akk turned to Ayan after quickly scanning the text on the packaging.

He only shook his head lightly. "Nothing written on it?" Akk shrugged in response. "We could google it?"

As Ayan pulled out his phone, he frowned. Akk noticed the shift in attention, raising his eyebrows in question. But Ayan was concentrated, tapping on his display until he looked back up with wide eyes. He opened his mouth to explain, but then closed it again and gave Akk his phone without a word.

When the taller one took it, his heart stopped beating for a second. Only to pound so hard with anxiety that he felt it in his throat, in his ears, in his arms and legs. Shame and fear bloomed in his mind like the most beautiful flower he had ever seen, so familiar and long awaited. His hand began to tremble. "How did-" He looked at Ayan, completely startled and off-balance. "Who would post this? Why-"

But the boy just weakly shrugged his shoulders, eyes filled with pity. 

The user who had uploaded threats against the protests was now tampering with the cause of the curse. Akk's face was emblazoned on the post, exposed him for being responsible for the recent events.

"But I didn't burn that doll." Akk raised his voice in desperation, tears welling in his eyes. "Ayan, you were with me. It wasn't me. It wasn't me! I- I didn't-"

Ayan's face was contorted with anger, pain and worry, seeming like he didn't know what emotion to indulge in first. He reached his hand out to Akk, who froze in his grip for a moment. Akk didn't blink, his tears falling in fine drops onto the floor as he looked down and not at Ayan. His nose tickled from crying, and after a while his head began to pound and ache.

Ayan tried his best to comfort his lover in his own restlessness, clinging to his uncle's chain when the younger wasn't looking.

"Shall we glue the stars?" Akk sniffled, his voice sounding hoarse. They were back in bed, hugging each other to calm down and get a somewhat clear mind back.

"Now?" Ayan lifted his head from his chest. "You still want to?"

"I'd like to have tonight at least." He took a deep breath. "Ayan, I'm so afraid of tomorrow. So afraid of going to school, of my parents' reaction, or- or of anything that might happen. I could lose my future."

"But they can't just tell everyone that you set the doll on fire. There's no evidence. It's not possible for there to be evidence. It's just a public accusation. We-"

"Ayan, please." He looked at him glassy-eyed, "That doesn't change the fact that other things were my fault." He turned his head away from Ayan in order to hide his trembling lips. "You said it yourself some time ago, didn't you? I have to face it. And you also warned me about what would happen if I'd do it too late."

The other remained silent, staring at Akk. He seemed to be deep in thoughts for a while before slightly sitting up.  "Okay," he nodded, "let's put the stars on."

The stars were still glimmering faintly on the ceiling when they woke up the next morning. Small dots of hope that beckoned them to reach out. Maybe they didn't have to pretend everything was fine after all. Maybe everything really could be alright. When they were together, the moon wasn't lonely anymore either, the way Akk looked at it from now on. Suddenly he thought, it's nice to have him around.

Ayan was so open and appreciative with everyone, greeted them with such great attention that Akk subconsciously started to mimic him, meeting himself more openly too. At least that's how it felt until now. 

But his head still hurt and his eyes burned, despite the sleep. The blanket seemed warmer than usual this morning, Ayan's embrace more secure. He didn't want to get up, didn't want to put the first foot out of bed. Because as soon as he would get up, he would have to face everything he was afraid of.

Sometimes as a kid he had believed that the more afraid he was of something, the less the chances were of it happening. That his fear and fixation would hold back anything that could have become reality. But as he got older, he realized it was the opposite. Nothing gave you a guarantee. You would have to constantly balance on a rope so thin, it could start to snap any second. Because there were too many things to weigh. Too much wrong and right that nothing was wrong or right anymore. Nothing made sense anymore.

"Akk, look at me." Ayan's hand rested on his cheek. "Please."

He slowly raised his eyes as if he didn't want anything to feel real. Not Ayan, he couldn't go down with the rest of his life. Akk wanted him to stay, past today and past whatever that was gonna happen as a consequence.

"We're doing this together. I'm with you. I won't leave you alone. You will always have me."

Akk wanted to believe him so badly. He was trying so hard to see only truth and no faith, which at the moment seemed as flimsy and fragile as the rope he was trying to stand on.

It took them longer this morning to get ready. Kind of like it was becoming their thing: dreading every task because the one that followed seemed too much to handle. Each action felt so difficult, making Akk perform them even more slowly. He also just stood there for a few minutes while Ayan was in the bathroom, staring ahead. His heartbeat was getting faster and louder by the second and his hands were now so cold that he could put them on his own cheeks to warm them there.

He thought about looking at his phone. But what he imagined he could see on it made him retreat back on the thought so hard, he threw the phone back onto the bed before pacing back and forth across the room, to his kitchen, back to the window, back to his bedside table.

"Should we go?"

He stopped and looked at Ayan. What choice did he have? Slowly, he nodded. 

The closer they got to the school, the more insane his vision seemed to get. He no longer noticed Ayan's hand on his leg, the warmth that emanated from him faded like his surroundings. He saw himself exposed to the eyes of others at school, saw his friends staring at him incomprehensibly. His parents would not have to wait long for the news if his scholarship really was going to be withdrawn. Tears threatened to quiver across his waterline.

Suddenly Ayan was in front of him, his face so close. Akk hadn't even noticed that they arrived. And before he could think any further about what was about to happen as soon as they got out of the car, Ayan connected their lips. In their vain of trying to be close, the kiss tasted salty of their tears.

Akk thought of the stars Ayan gave him, the hope in his eyes that shined so much brighter than all the lights he had told him about. Maybe they didn't need stars at all. Maybe the moon and sun were enough to get through another day.

As they got out and passed the big front gate, Akk glanced sideways to see that Ayan still had the button from the café on his jacket. And suddenly his hand felt so empty without Ayan's touch. He clutched the fabric of his own uniform for a moment of uncertainty before taking a deep breath and letting go.

"Aye," he turned to him. The other looked up in surprise at hearing the nickname.

Akk stretched out his slightly shaky hand and Ayan understood, as he always did, laced their fingers together and gave him one last encouraging smile. He believed him. Looking at Ayan, made his heart believe him. 

Suddenly he was sure that his tears will dry, that this day too will pass. He understood, just a little bit better, that it was an incredible act of courage to continue living in a world he cannot control. Even just for today, or for another tomorrow. He was going to learn to be proud of every day he got up. Because it wasn't about whether you managed to balance on the rope without falling. It was simply about the fact that you still dared to move forward.

With Ayan's hand firm in his own, he decided to take that step forward. He didn't care as much when he and Ayan got too close, didn't care about the moment it all started. Because they would not fall together. Even if the sun and the moon touched, still they were safe in their unity. For even if the stars died out, despite the looming darkness, they still had each other.