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“I have to sleep soon, but I wanted to…” Seungmin starts, well over an hour into their conversation. It’s barely past ten at night, but Hyunjin isn’t surprised. Seungmin has always slept well. “Well, I know it’s a little early for a birthday present, but I have something for you.”
Hyunjin nearly flings his notebook from his lap, pencil flying wildly off the page and drawing an awkward, ugly line through the sketch of Jeongin’s hands he’s spent two days chipping away at. He swallows a groan of distress, relieved that this is an audio only call.
“For me?” he asks in a normal tone of voice that suggests a normal amount of excitement. Hyunjin’s birthday is still three weeks out, but it’s not so far away that a present is out of the question. He covers his surprised smile with his hand even though there’s no one around to see it.
“For you.” Just those two words in Seungmin’s voice are enough to make him shiver. For me. For Hyunjin.
He has questions, of course. “Where is it? Are you coming over?”
“It’s not a physical thing,” Seungmin explains as the sound of a notification makes Hyunjin jump. He’s received an email from Kim Seungmin. “I wanted to give it to you like this, so you could listen without me there and judge it for yourself.”
An audio file? Music. Seungmin’s precious voice. Hyunjin is immediately overwhelmed. “Seungmin-ah…”
“Don’t sound so touched,” Seungmin says, laughter light in his tone. “Listen first.”
“But I don’t need to listen to know I’ll love it!” Hyunjin’s argument is passionate as he gets up to look for his headphones. It’s best to listen to Seungmin’s voice with them on the first time, for the full experience, and Hyunjin wants nothing less than that. A song from Seungmin for his birthday! “You’re my singer. How could I not like it the most?”
“Just listen, okay? I have to sleep.” Seungmin’s voice is somewhere between gentle and firm, where his nagging usually lives—so different from Changbin’s motherly whining or Jeongin’s blunt scolding. “You should sleep too. You’ll be grumpy if you can’t get back on some sort of schedule before we’re back on tour.”
“Who are you to tell me when to sleep, Kim Seungmin-ssi?”
“I thought I was your singer.” There’s clattering behind Seungmin that suggests he’s started washing up.
As always, Seungmin’s acknowledgement of Hyunjin’s open adoration does funny things to his stomach. “I’ll consider it,” he replies, caving immediately in the face of Seungmin’s warmth. “For my singer only.”
There’s a single, satisfied hum before Seungmin says, “Goodnight, Hyunjinnie-yah.”
“Sweet dreams, Seungminnie.”
Hyunjin doesn’t waste a second. As soon as the call ends, he’s shoving his earbuds into his ears and laying prone on the bed to download the audio attachment so he can loop it and listen several times in a row without opening his eyes. The file name is 다 괜찮아, which doesn’t really tell him anything, but going into a new track without spoilers suits Hyunjin well. The surprise is part of the fun.
He presses play and closes his eyes, phone resting face down on his chest. It’s definitely a ballad. Guitar strings are the first thing Hyunjin hears—without accompaniment from the piano, which is a welcome change from Seungmin’s typical ballad covers and soundtrack themes. The first note in Seungmin’s voice has Hyunjin’s lower lip trembling, but he makes it through more than half the song without actually crying, which he’s proud of.
It’s a sweet song, as so many of Seungmin’s solo tracks are, but it’s strayed away from the comfort of established love and loyalty and into the territory of longing. The song describes the feeling of trying over and over again to stop wanting someone, to avoid becoming an obsessive person, to want without demanding or pushing, to want without needing.
Then comes the bridge.
The music softens almost to nothing to accommodate the soft emotion in Seungmin’s voice. He’s always good at conveying what he wants to through his voice alone, but there’s something about the tenderness here that breaks Hyunjin to pieces. How can Seungmin sound so beautiful and sing so sweetly? The bridge is a turning point in the lyrics, the acceptance at last that there is someone worth devoting oneself to wholeheartedly, and to be obsessive or want overwhelmingly with that person is nothing to be afraid of. The final chorus and reprise rise to a major key, no longer speaking of these feelings as a burden rather than a joyful experience to be cherished.
Hyunjin listens to it five more times before he stops crying, and another five just because he likes it so much. There’s always something new to discover when he listens to Seungmin sing. Like the gorgeous adlibs in the background of the final reprise. Like the way his voice wavers in the bridge, just before he tips over the edge into acceptance at last. Like how Seungmin starts the song tight, but by the end, his voice is loose and free, like the very act of confession and acceptance has allowed his throat to open up. It’s the most emotion Hyunjin has ever heard from him on a track like this. His sincerity almost makes Hyunjin jealous, though it’s ridiculous to feel that way. None of them ever write music about their own feelings, not really. No one except Hyunjin, who doesn’t know how to write any other way, and who has never admitted to anyone that his heart is the only inspiration.
If Seungmin wrote it himself, the song is probably about a drama Seungmin watched recently. He hasn’t mentioned any, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t watched them. Maybe it wasn’t that good, so he didn’t recommend it, but there were parts of it that were good enough for him to write about.
Maybe it’s another soundtrack!
Hyunjin wants to ask right away, but of course, Seungmin will have fallen asleep by now. Infuriating man. Doesn’t he know that Hyunjin will like everything he does and needs to tell him that as soon as possible?
No matter. Hyunjin will just have to go tell Seungmin in person. This is the best birthday present he’s ever received; a thank you over the phone wouldn’t even be close to sufficient.
Hyunjin sleeps until noon. By the time he wakes up and texts Seungmin, he’s already on edge. He should have sent a text last night. What if Seungmin made plans before Hyunjin woke up? They aren’t in Seoul for very long before going on tour again, and a lot of that time will be spent recording and practicing. He could have plans with all sorts of people. He could—
🐶 김승민
No plans. Did you want to do something?
🥟 황현진
wanna see you of course~
🥟 황현진
telling you how i feel from here isn’t good enough❣️
🐶 김승민
Oh. Really?
🐶 김승민
😊
🐶 김승민
I’m happy. ❤️
🐶 김승민
See you soon?
Hyunjin stares down at his phone in shock. Seungmin has never sent him the red heart before. It’s not that getting a heart from him is new, but something about the color strikes him in a way it never has before. The red heart is like a red rose, much more romantic than yellow or white. It’s so vibrant against the dark background of their chat. Hyunjin’s heart pounds.
It probably doesn’t mean anything. He probably just hit the wrong button. The texts came in fast, one after the other, all in a row. That’s all.
🥟 황현진
soon soon soon!!! 🫶
Feeling strange, Hyunjin changes his shirt three times before settling on something he likes—a relief, given he only has three other options he actually wears outside. He’s halfway to the door when Changbin catches him around the shoulders, narrowly avoiding a hard collision.
“Aegi, you okay?”
Hyunjin blinks at him several times before his brain comes online. “Great! I’m gonna see Seungminnie.”
“Tell him to call me back.” Changbin bumps Hyunjin’s hip with his on his way past. “And call me if you’re coming home late!”
“Yes, Eomma!” Hyunjin calls with a laugh as he exits the dorm. Seungmin probably won’t let him stay that long; he’ll probably have vocal lessons with Jeongin tonight, so Changbin has nothing to worry about.
The other dorm is suspiciously empty when Hyunjin lets himself in. He usually can’t escape Minho bothering him or Felix’s skinship if they know he’s stopping by, but neither boy appears to pester him. Jeongin might be locked away in his room, but Hyunjin is on a mission, so he doesn’t stop to check. He heads directly to Seungmin’s bedroom and knocks until his knuckles hurt.
Hyunjin is still knocking when Seungmin opens the door. The grin on Seungmin’s face is infectious; the instant Hyunjin sees his braces, it’s all over for him. He has to smile back or he’ll die.
“Were you impatient?” Seungmin asks as he steps back to let Hyunjin inside. “That was a lot of knocking.”
“I’ve wanted to thank you since last night!” There’s no small amount of whining in his tone, but Hyunjin can’t help it. “Selfish of you, going to sleep on me in my hour of need.”
Seungmin leans back against the closed door, still smiling. His hands are deep in the pockets of his sweatpants, bangs falling into his eyes, floppy and untouched by product. If Stay saw him like this, they’d faint from his simple boyish charm. Hyunjin doesn’t know how he’s still standing in the face of it. How has he ever survived?
“I didn’t want to pressure you,” Seungmin says. It’s a strange comment to make. Hyunjin has listened to brand new solo tracks with Seungmin present plenty of times. Seungmin usually likes to watch the smile bloom on Hyunjin’s face, happy to receive Hyunjin’s endless compliments while teasing him for having nothing to critique.
It’s not Hyunjin’s fault that he sees no flaws in Kim Seungmin. He’s going to have to put up with it forever.
“Did you think I wasn’t gonna like it?” Hyunjin asks, crossing his arms. “Have I not proven myself enough? Seungmin-ah, am I not your number one fan?” He abandons his mock-sternness in favor of dramatics next, clasping his hands in front of his chest before taking a step closer. “I’ve never received such a good present in my life. I was so touched, Seungminnie, really. I cried a lot!”
“Ah, not too much, I hope.” Seungmin reaches up and brushes his thumb across Hyunjin’s cheek. It’s a quick touch, one that would mean nothing to him in front of a camera, but it unsettles Hyunjin in the quiet privacy of Seungmin’s bedroom. All the thoughts tumble out of his head at once. His mouth opens and shuts without a sound.
Seungmin doesn’t help him, of course. He just watches fondly until Hyunjin clears his throat and recovers enough to speak.
“N-Not too much, just a normal amount. I always cry. You know me, crybaby Hyuni.” Hyunjin licks his lips, desperate to change topics before Seungmin asks why he cried and Hyunjin is forced to admit that half of the crying was because he was jealous that no one would ever sing something so sweet and sincere for him. “What’s it for? I thought maybe it was for Player, but then I thought maybe you got another OST deal. It’s so pretty. Did you write for it?”
The words hang in the air between them more uncomfortably than Hyunjin expects. Seungmin’s smile freezes, then drops. Did Hyunjin say something wrong? Maybe he misspoke.
“You—What?”
Hyunjin frowns. “What? What what?”
Seungmin is too troubled; Hyunjin has to have missed something big. He wants to smooth the crease between Seungmin’s eyebrows with his thumb, or maybe with a good joke, but he has neither Jisung’s happy virus abilities nor Seungmin’s gift of comedic timing. All he can do is wait to be told what to do to help.
“Seungminnie, what’s wrong?”
It must be something Hyunjin did, since Seungmin won’t meet his eyes. He runs through what he just said in his head. Was it rude to imply Seungmin didn’t write the song himself? If it was a theme for a drama, he probably wouldn’t be allowed to, so Hyunjin hadn’t thought much of it. He wants to ask about each theory his brain spins in circles around, but over the years, Hyunjin has learned that to fix things, he usually needs to say less until he understands more.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t clear,” Seungmin finally says. His voice is soft and a little worn down. Hyunjin’s fingers curl at his sides as he resists the urge to hug Seungmin tight. “I thought it was obvious, but it was unfair to expect you to assume.”
He runs a hand through his hair and steps forward, away from the door, right into Hyunjin’s space. Hyunjin sways backward and catches himself on Seungmin’s shoulders. For some reason, that brings the smile back to Seungmin’s face.
“It’s not for any of that,” Seungmin explains. “I wrote it. For you.”
Hyunjin’s heart stops. He forgets to breathe, wanting no sound at all to prevent him from hearing what Seungmin says next.
“If you want it to be your birthday present, then it will be, and I’ll never bring it up again. But I was hoping I could give you myself instead.” His smile is hopeful and sweet, so young it makes Hyunjin’s chest ache. “I love you.”
The whole world shifts beneath Hyunjin’s feet.
“Seungminnie,” he gasps, swaying forward and wrapping Seungmin in a tight hug. Hyunjin buries his face in Seungmin’s shoulder and tries to remember how to breathe. All his thoughts from last night break apart and form anew in wonderful shapes: hearts and butterflies and flowers all dancing behind his closed eyelids. Hyunjin never had anything to be jealous of. Not only did someone write something so wonderful for him, Seungmin wrote it. Hyunjin’s love song was written just for him by the most wonderful person in the world.
He pulls away to hold Seungmin’s face, squinting at him. “Are you for real? Say it again.”
Seungmin laughs. “I love you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Hyunjin-ah.” Seungmin grabs both of Hyunjin’s wrists and squeezes. “I’m sure. Are you going to say anything back to me, or do I have to guess?”
All the blood in his body promptly rushes to Hyunjin’s face. He drops his hands back to his sides like they’ve been scalded.
“Oh,” he whispers. “I. I mean. Isn’t it obvious?”
Seungmin tilts his head to one side. “Do you actually want me to guess?”
As nice as it would be to have Seungmin do all the work, he’s already done a lot. He had the courage to confess three times already. Hyunjin puffs out his cheeks. He can do this. Seungmin is counting on him.
An idea comes to Hyunjin just in time. “Everything is fine,” he says, grinning as he quotes the title of Seungmin’s song back to him. What he lacks in courage, he can at least make up for in sentiment. “I love you back.”
Apparently, that’s all Seungmin needs. He tugs Hyunjin into a kiss so fast it leaves him breathless. Or maybe what’s stolen his breath is Seungmin’s lips on his, Seungmin’s hand on the back of his neck, Seungmin’s other hand on his hip. Seungmin touching him with enough confidence and sweetness to stop Hyunjin’s brain entirely. He wants to tell Seungmin the whole truth—that he’s written plenty of songs with Seungmin on his mind, whether he admitted it to himself or not—but the confession will have to wait.
Seungmin gave himself as Hyunjin’s birthday present. With that kind of commitment, they’ll have a lot of time for Hyunjin to spill every embarrassing secret of his crush. Tugging Seungmin down onto the bed to kiss more seems much more urgent, and by the way Seungmin crushes Hyunjin into the mattress, Hyunjin is pretty sure he agrees.