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When Otis’ world is falling apart, he finds himself asking himself which one of the many reasons for it is the one causing him the most harm, the most sadness and loneliness and the most desperation.
It should be an easy question and an easy answer, shouldn’t it? Yet his mind cannot seem to let him decide.
On the contrary, he should be happy by all means: his mother marrying Jakob, a man she loves, should be something to celebrate, only half a year after the birth of his baby sister, a day where he thought his mom was about to slip through his fingers forever and the possibility of that thought becoming real was too painful to bear.
Otis should be thrilled, and he is. On the day his mother could leave the hospital, he hugged her tighter than he’d ever done, at least since he was, like, eight years old, and he sobbed into her shoulder until his eyes dried and he fell asleep in her arms. He hugged Ola like their lives depended on it and looked at the tiny human sleeping in her bed and it all suddenly felt real.
He’d never had a sibling before, he’d never had a sister, and now he has two. One who hugs him back as tight as he does and laughs through her cries, too, and one who’s now been on the earth for half a year and giggles at everything Otis does. A year ago he might’ve hated that, might’ve had too much pride and be embarrassed about it, but he cherishes it all now, enjoys being the tiny girl’s personal jester. That’s what brothers are for, aren’t they?
He’d also never had a father who wasn’t a piece of shit. He’d never had a dad, or a father figure, who left his mom and came back, and just… stayed. His father always made her cry, and mom and Jakob have had their battles, he knows that that’s part of being human as she always tells him, but his sorry excuse of a father never made her smile.
Jakob does. So maybe that father wasn’t ever really a father, or a husband to begin with.
No, by all means, the announcement of his mother’s wedding is not causing his world to fall apart. It’s perfect, they’re perfect, he’s happy for them. He’s happy and grateful because he’s got a family that he wouldn’t trade for the world and who loves him back despite his flaws, one who made him grow.
But a part of this wedding they’re planning, a detail he didn’t consider until now, is that he and Ola are destined to be best man and maid of honor, as their parents say. As their parents also say, the best man and the maid of honor need their own plus ones for this to become a true fairytale wedding.
That might be the reason for Otis’ despair, he figures.
His sister has Lily, of course, they’re the perfect fairytale couple, just like his mom and Jakob. No more than a week passes before the couple has already found a matching suit and dress, shades of pink and purple and flower crowns coordinated with the flower arrangements his mother spent hours arguing over the phone to get.
The detail here that makes him slightly desperate, slightly frustrated and lonely is that he doesn’t exactly have a plus-one, himself. Before his sexual and romantic awakening, he would’ve brought his best friend, because they do everything together, and Eric’s already invited, obviously , but he’s bringing his own boyfriend which is very perfect and very annoying, again.
He’s desperate because Maeve has left the country for… an indefinite amount of time. He’s desperate because he’d been waiting to kiss her for what left like a million years, and by some fucking miracle that dream became a reality, and he felt… strange.
Otis felt like something was missing. Otis felt numb, he felt close to absolutely nothing. Otis felt- he feels lost.
He doesn’t know what to do with that feeling, so he just decides to not unpack it all. Maybe if he pretends it doesn’t exist and it doesn’t frustrate him, it’ll go away by itself.
He’s desperate because when their parents told them to invite their partners, his mom turned to Jakob and told him he’d get to meet Ruby.
Because Ruby, of course, as far as his mom knows, is still his girlfriend. Yet she isn’t his girlfriend. She hasn’t been for a while now, he hasn’t been a good boyfriend, or a boyfriend at all, in a while. And said ex-girlfriend most certainly is the person who hates him the most on the entire fucking planet.
So now, his world is falling apart. Crashing down upon him like a burning skeleton of a building, one he thought would naturally fix itself once he got what he’d wanted, his first love to his first dream girl, after all this time.
What a fucking joke.
…
Otis must be an idiot, he tells himself, because he’s decided to knock on his ex-girlfriend’s front door late Sunday night. As soon as the door creaks open he considers bolting, but there Ruby stands, already seen him and too late for him to run away.
The girl doesn’t even say anything, and she doesn’t need to, because her glare is practically lethal. She seems like she’s waiting for him to say something, and he’s waiting for her to say something like a coward, and so they stare at each other until Ruby grows tired of it.
“You have some fucking nerve showing up here, Otis,” she says, voice ice cold, sending inexplicable shivers down his spine. Whether it’s induced by fear or guilt, he can’t really tell. Probably both.
“Yeah,” he mumbles, although she probably hears him perfectly clearly, “I know.”
She raises one eyebrow with an entirely unamused look in her eyes. “What do you want?”
“Who said I wanted anything?”
She sighs, “Why else would you be here?”
Otis cringes at her words, the embarrassment and guilt filling up his entire body. He wishes today could be different. He tries to hide his uncomfortable emotions from her, but also, he sort of hopes she sees it, hoping someday she will know just how guilty he is.
Not that it matters. This thing isn’t exactly forgivable, and Ruby isn’t exactly the most generous person when it comes to forgiveness.
“It’s, uh… It’s complicated, really,” he decides to say, “Can we talk?”
“I guess,” she sighs again, “You haven’t answered my question.”
Otis’ been chewing on his bottom lip for the last half hour, trying to form the question in his head in a way that doesn’t sound completely idiotic or completely insulting. It’s probably a bit of both.
Most of all, he just wants to turn around and do this another day or just not do it at all, but now he got to her door and her face is growing more impatient by the second, so he figures he’d rather try to explain himself than have her shut the door in his face. Maybe she’ll do that either way, but hey, it’s worth a shot, right?
Logically, probably not. But he’s got little honor to lose now.
“My mom’s getting married next month,” he tells her. Ruby frowns.
“That’s great,” she says with the most unimpressed voice he’s ever heard, “What has that got to do with me?”
Otis can feel himself get irrationally irritated, not at her, but at himself, and his shoes that he’s been wearing for three months despite them gnawing at his skin and the way the sweat runs down his back whenever he’s as uncomfortable as he is now. The girl’s face changes, just for a moment, as a faint shuffle is heard from within her house, and she tells him to wait and leaves the door open while checking on her father.
Otis stands back in the door opening, staring down at the hallway, hoping that’ll somehow give him a clue about whether Ruby will ever come to like him again or not.
Why does that matter? he wants to ask himself. It’s Maeve you’re in love with, isn’t it?
The girl is back and glares at him again. “Can you just tell me whatever stupid thing it is you want to say so I can tell you to fuck off?”
He almost smiles at the familiarity of this, from before they started hooking up, but he holds it back. “Sure,” he shrugs, “My mom still thinks we’re a couple.”
Ruby’s silence only makes him sweat more. When she doesn’t reply, he continues, “She’s invited you to the wedding.”
“That’s kind of her,” she finally says, and she is utterly sincere about that, “But I can’t make it.”
One of the things that shocked him about Ruby was how many faces she had. Or like, how easily she controls her emotions. Otis has always been too irrational, letting every stupid thing come out of his mouth before he can stop to think.
Ruby, on the other hand, she knows how to read every room she’s in, every person she meets, and the exact way to smile and shake their hand to make them like her, or give her what she wants. She knows every way to make every person comfortable, and every way to make them uncomfortable, too.
“Yeah, I thought you’d say that, but, uh,” Otis says, “That’s actually what I have to ask. I’ve come here to ask you… ugh, I need a favor, Ruby.”
The girl laughs snidely, her hand only clenching slightly at her side. He wonders if she even realizes when she does that.
“You’re even stupider than people say,” she answers, “What makes you think I’d do anything for you, Otis? After how you-”
She interrupts herself, it seems, snapping her mouths shut, like she’s afraid of her emotions betraying her. It’s strange. It almost makes him want to smile again.
“I know,” he says that, and he means it, “And you can slam the door in my face right now and I’ll understand, I deserve that and I’ll never bother you again. But I need to ask you this, and if you agree to this I promise I’ll leave you alone, too. Like you won’t even know I exist. It’ll be as if I died.”
He probably went on too long with that sentence, but she hasn’t slammed the door in his face yet , so she must be somewhat curious about this. Time to pop the question.
“Would you go with me to the wedding and pretend we’re still a couple?”
Ruby’s facial expression is unrecognizable. “What?”
“Please? Just for the weekend?” Otis begs, feeling more and more pathetic by the minute.
The girl has never looked more offended in the time he’s known her, but she’s also not clenching her hand anymore, so he honestly has no idea what to do besides wait. He really is terrible at reading her. No wonder he screwed up so badly.
She doesn’t answer for what feels like forever, and then she sighs heavily.
And because Otis is as desperate as can be, he says, “I’ll do anything, I can… I can mow your lawn? Uh, fuck, tell me something you want and you got it, I’ll owe you-”
“I don’t want anything from you,” Ruby interrupts him. Her same cold voice, her eyes only betraying her for a millisecond. She sighs again, “It’ll be as if you died, you say?”
He nods eagerly. She nods once.
“Email me the time and place,” she says shortly, “And a picture of your suit.”
Then she proceeds to do what he’s been expecting the entire night and slams the door in his face, so hard he jumps back a little bit.
It’s only then Otis thinks through the conversation that just happened, every glare and sigh and confused look in her eyes, that it actually sinks in that she said yes. That’s great. He did not expect this to happen at all.
So problem solved, right?
…
When Otis had done exactly what Ruby had asked of him and emailed her the details and the picture, she didn’t reply to it. Funnily enough, she does send him a text the next morning that simply reads, You should wear a blue shirt under it.
It takes him a solid minute to realize she’s talking about his white suit, and the rest of the day to wonder why she apparently still has his number saved, or doesn’t have it blocked, at least.
He sure would deserve it if she did. Maybe he should take it as a good sign of what friendship or acquaintanceship there might be left between them, if he didn’t look himself in the mirror for the next two days contemplating the possibility of her not completely hating him and how odd and wrong that feels.
Last year’s Otis would never believe himself now, if he knew he had ever had sex with Ruby Matthew, if he knew that Ruby even had a possibility of not hating him.
She was untouchable, back then. In the metaphorical high school food chain she was the queen, and he was lower than a peasant, he and Eric barely even existed in that strange, imaginary, honestly ridiculous hierarchy that has slowly been falling apart ever since the sex clinic went into business, and out of business.
Thing is, he always thought he and Ruby had nothing in common. He had nothing in common with her or her popular friends, really.
But like many things in his relatively short life so far, he’s wrong about most things, and he was wrong about her. He never thought someone so popular and perfect like her would be associated with him. And well, she wouldn’t at first, but like him? Love him? No way.
They’re not characters in a teenage drama, he knew deep inside that her, that everyone around him going by their reputation, that they were never just that. Yet, being confronted with the fact still made Otis feel like an imposter, made him feel like he was too close, like he hadn’t earned a place like this where he was allowed to know things about people, get close to people, help people.
He never thought he would be one to reject the most beautiful girl at school. He never thought he would be one to break a heart. It’s what his mother taught him, that sometimes, you have to say the truth and do the right thing, even if it might feel wrong.
Because he does feel wrong. Otis never thought he would be capable of hurting someone as he had hurt Ruby, and he’s not sure that there’s any salvation to that. If he was her, he humors himself, he wouldn’t forgive him.
And even if she hasn’t, yet here he is, preparing himself for a wedding where she helps him lie to his mom and his family. It feels wrong. It feels like he has no other choice.
But his ex-girlfriend also has a choice, and she made this choice, which he doesn’t understand, to be honest.
Maybe he should’ve called Maeve. Maybe, this would be the sort of teenage drama moment where she’d catch the first flight back and they’d reunite and everything would fall back into place and they’d live happily ever after.
Maybe he should call her. He certainly still has time.
The strangest thing of all is that he doesn’t want to do that. Otis wants nothing more than to dig himself in a hole and die of embarrassment and confusion and a million other emotions, alone, but most of all, he doesn’t really want to call Maeve.
He doesn’t understand why he doesn’t miss her, because that feels wrong. Maybe he should just give up understanding anything at all.
…
Otis feels even more wrong about this decision of his when he shows up at the rehearsal dinner of the wedding, with Ruby’s arm in his and wearing a blue button up shirt under the suit that he totally picked himself and not because she suggested it, thank you very much. The jacket’s sleeves are just long enough that he has to roll them up and his pants are too tight and he just feels generally ridiculous. His ex-girlfriend, on the other hand, looks perfect as always.
Well, beautiful is the right word for her.
When she left her front door in a shimmering, turquoise dress and a white fur coat that a little too strangely matched his get-up perfectly, Otis was confronted with that sort of beauty that made him cough on his breath and get lightheaded, so much so that he thought he might’ve fainted if he hadn’t already been waiting for her in the car.
The kind of beauty that made him consider his words for at least thirty minutes, trying to think of something polite yet natural enough that his mom and Jakob wouldn’t ask questions, and settled on, “You look beautiful.”
He knew she didn’t want his compliments, and he shouldn’t expect an answer, but he’d felt compelled to say something anyway. And as yet another strange thing in this strange month, the girl next to him had looked at him with pursed lips before replying, “I know.”
He’d felt compelled to smile. It probably turned out like a grimace instead. She’d rolled her eyes and not looked at him again for the rest of the car ride.
She, like himself, was probably just acting, playing the perfect part of the couple they’re supposed to. That’s how Otis reasons with the relief washing over him when she didn’t tell him to go fuck himself, because that’s pretty much what he thought would happen.
So maybe she takes his arm without a word when they step out and they both feel a little stiff, and maybe she rolls her eyes heavily behind Jakob’s back when he tells them they’re a handsome couple, but if he feels uncomfortable about this, he can only imagine how she feels.
He should apologize. If this could all be solved by an apology, he would do it, if he only had the words or the bravery to look the girl in the eyes for more than a few seconds before he started shaking, which is crazy, because he isn’t scared of Ruby… is he?
“This looks amazing, Miss Milburn,” his ex-girlfriend speaks up, flashing the sort of shy smile to his mom that he’d only seen on her face once before.
His mother smiles back gracefully as ever, and Otis successfully dodges her hand trying to ruffle his hair and pushes it away half-heartedly. He doesn’t put much force into it, of course, and Ola laughs at him and pinches his cheek and soon enough they’re shoving each other, and Ruby vanishes completely and too fast for him to notice.
Next thing he knows, she’s found Eric and Adam.
He doesn’t know what’s weirder, being at a wedding with Ruby, or Ruby hugging Adam with glee and discussing the Gossip Girl reboot with the most extraordinary passion he’s ever seen.
It’s probably the latter, of course, because in what universe would these two ever be friends? One where he would date Ruby, apparently. Or almost date her.
Next to them, Otis’ best friend looks between the two and back to him like he’s just witnessed a murder. And as much as he tries to avoid Eric’s gaze and tries to follow along with Ola and Lily, his best friend gets ahold of him and pulls him to the side in the blink of an eye.
Eric doesn’t even have to say anything, he knows what he’s going to say, so Otis fumbles with his own words, “Hey, uh, listen-”
“Have you lost your mind?” his best friend asks, looking genuinely concerned and a steady hand on Otis’ arm. He shakes his head in response.
The concern on his face turns into shock as he exclaims, “Are you holding her hostage?!”
He feels himself shaking and stuttering and he really hopes no one is eavesdropping on this conversation. He feels even stupider than before, and he knows as soon as his best friend figures out what this is all about, he won’t be happy. “No! No, no. Eric, please.”
His friend trusts him, for a second, before widening his eyes more, “Is she holding you hostage?”
“Wha- no!” he hurries every answer, sighing. There’s no way he can lie his way out of this, especially not to Eric, because Eric knows everything that goes on in his head and probably understands it way better than ever will.
He loves him for that, obviously, even if it kind of feels like a curse right now. “I can explain.”
It takes his friend a minute before he ultimately sighs, nods and hesitantly lets go of his arm, seemingly no longer fearing for his well-being as much as he’s about to lecture him. Otis loves him for that, too.
“Otis, if you are about to ruin your mother’s wedding, I swear…” he warns him.
He shakes his head again, so fast he might get a headache. “I won’t. I would never,” he sighs again, knowing this explanation is going to sound ridiculous, because it is ridiculous.
But there’s no way out of it now, and he’s incapable of lying to Eric. Even if his best friend didn’t know him like the back of his hand, the guilt of it would probably eat him up from the inside if he tried. Kind of like the guilt about breaking Ruby’s heart has been eating at him for months. “You know, Ola and I were both allowed a plus one, right?”
His friend crosses his arms and nods. Otis continues, “And Jakob and mom were really excited to meet Lily.”
He hesitates, but Eric nods again, urging him to go on. “Well, I may have forgotten to tell her that Ruby and I- that we aren’t a, uh, couple anymore.”
Otis scratches his neck, already feeling the embarrassment creeping in on him again. His friend lifts one eyebrow as he looks at him. “I assume you haven’t told her you broke her heart either, or about Maeve?”
“You’re right.”
“I usually am,” Eric shrugs, “This still doesn’t explain why you brought Ruby to your mother’s wedding, Otis.”
“Well,” he laughs at himself half-heartedly, “I… I may have convinced Ruby to pretend that we are, you know…”
His best friend frowns when his words falter. Otis finishes his sentence with dread, “The plan here is to pretend that we’re still dating, basically.”
If Eric yelled at him or just simply walked away in disbelief, he can’t say he would blame him. He doesn’t, but he sure does look at him with the most incredulous look on his face, and groans in a way only a best friend who’s dealt with enough of his shit for years would.
“Why has she agreed to this?” he asks while rubbing his temples, and Otis shrugs. “How did you even convince her to do this?”
And because telling Eric that he practically begged her on her doorstep is more pathetic than his usual self, he has to shrug again. “I know I’m stupid. You can say it.”
His best friend laughs, and God knows where Otis would be if his best friend ever left him. Eric definitely hates him right now, but at least he’s self-aware enough to accept it, and at least his friend puts his hands on his shoulders so he knows he’s still there.
This is why they’re friends, they give each other shit all the time and know how to handle it. This is why Eric can’t help but smile a tired smile when he says, “You really are the stupidest person in the entire world, you know that, right?”
“I know.”
…
Otis thought the rehearsal dinner would be relatively easy to get through. He had actually hoped he’d get to talk to Ruby, like, alone , but she’s an expert at avoiding him the whole day despite them being seated next to each other and he respects that, it’s really impressive, actually.
Ola and Lily sent him equally weird looks as Eric had earlier, but didn’t mention it, and his ex-girlfriend gets along with Ola surprisingly well, despite his sister’s girlfriend studying her intensely without a word.
She doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe she’s just avoiding her, too. Lily can be pretty intense, but that’s why he likes her, knowing she’s brutally honest in a way that is probably too much, sometimes. She’s kind of like Ruby in that way.
Also, Ruby gets along with Jakob really well, too. And his mother, oh my God. They’ve met only twice before, but looking at them now, catching her smiles to him as the girl compliments her dress and makes jokes about Otis without showing her hidden contempt for a second, he knows his mom is officially in love with her now.
This is bad. It’s good, actually, obviously, the plan is working, but also it’s bad .
This whole plan was to avoid ruining his mother’s big day, or breaking her heart, and now the fear is coming back to him as quickly as it left, because how is he going to explain that they’re very much not a couple when this is all over? He tried to avoid telling her the long, embarrassing story, but now, it seems he’s just made a temporary extension.
And maybe it’ll hit even harder than before, because his mom comes to his side and pinches his cheek before he can dodge her hand and tells him how good Ruby is for him.
“I see why you like her,” she says fondly, “She’s strong.”
Otis bites his cheek in confusion. “Strong?”
She nods, “She adores her father so much,” his mom tells him, and it takes Otis back for a second, knowing how much of a tight kept secret her father’s health is.
When he first visited her house, Ruby seemed almost embarrassed. Not of her dad, but of herself, of her perfect smile fading and showing sadness. She even apologized to him, and when he asked for what, she didn’t respond. Sometimes he wonders if Olivia and Anwar have ever seen her like that, with fear in her eyes, a fear of not being untouchable anymore.
“She seems… worried all the time,” his mother continues, “But she’s funny, and kind, and honest. Brutally honest.”
Otis huffs, “We’re nothing alike.”
His mom looks at him strangely, “You’re kind, sweetheart.”
Not as kind as he wishes he was. Not as kind as he should be. He’d fucked up too many times for her to call him that. “She’s untouchable,” he says instead, “And flawless. And I’m just me. I always fuck everything up. You know that.”
She rolls her eyes, which she does often when he says this. “You have fucked up, Otis, but so have I and everyone else. And so has Ruby, I’m sure. Maybe you two have more in common than you think.”
“Or maybe we don’t,” he insists, probably being a bit too suspicious and stubborn for this.
He doesn’t know why this is so important, but he needs to prove it to himself. He used to dislike Ruby, for a brief moment he hated her, and there was never any reason to. He hated her because she was in control of everything, and he had no control over his life at all. He hated that.
The fight they had about her changing his clothes and all, about him not being cool enough for her friends or her being shallow, that wasn’t about the clothes, he realizes, it was about how this girl seems to have it all figured out. Otis doesn’t.
His mother clearly doesn’t want to argue with him, and he already feels bad for trying to start a fight. She just kisses the top of his head and leaves him to see some of the guests, with the words, “Maybe that isn’t a bad thing, either.”
…
Otis is in a strange bedroom in a cottage, because his mother and Jakob agreed on a smaller farmhouse wedding, which he thinks looks perfect and Ola thinks is way too cheesy, but he’s still slightly shocked his mom actually loves this. It seems nothing like her and yet, he’s here now, and somehow it and everything just fits into place.
Everything except him being here, sharing a bedroom with his ex-girlfriend. He didn’t think this part through, did he?
He’s been trying to form some words, start a sorry excuse of a conversation while Ruby’s in the bathroom for entirely too long, but he doesn’t blame her at all, obviously.
He’s been thinking about her shy laugh to his mother, and her arm lingering around his waist, and how she tucks her hair behind her ears when she’s nervous. He’s been thinking about how they’re nothing alike and how she doesn’t laugh at any of his jokes, which is fine, because they’re not funny at all.
He’s been thinking about her honesty and how she does everything, how she says yes to faking a relationship at a wedding with him, with so much ease and perfection. How she does this unapologetically, and how he maybe had felt her looking at the back of his head earlier, but he wasn’t sure.
Mostly, Otis has been thinking about how he should just fucking apologize and do it properly this time, already, instead of pretending like he doesn’t have to explain to his mother that he fucked up and made someone hate him for the rest of her life, and how he’ll never live that down.
He feels like he’s going to vomit. He wishes he could just turn back time and delete any of this existence, because he doesn’t want to talk about this.
Otis is really good at avoiding things, because he knows that he’s bad at apologizing, he’s bad at words, he’s bad at shutting up when people need him to. Eric tried to calm him down at the end of evening, telling him it would probably be fine, but his best friend definitely didn’t trust his own words, either.
This is a stupid thing to be scared of. He’s scared of it because he has no idea what’s going to happen, and that’s terrifying. He wishes he could say the right thing, he wishes he knew what the right thing was.
Maybe there isn’t a right thing at all. Maybe the only right thing was to never bother her again and not ask anything of her, and he fucked that up, too.
Otis realizes how far gone in his own head he was when Ruby appears within his peripheral vision, her hair swept back in a bun and rummaging through her two makeup bags to find something . He feels misplaced, somehow, picking up the courage to finally stand up and muttering that he’ll help her look without even knowing what to look for.
She doesn’t protest, and this bag must be the size of his head, and he isn’t very helpful when he keeps stealing glances at her in the mirror, probably.
Okay, so, one thing he forgot to mention is how after the dinner, before this moment, when the party was lively and he was left alone at the pond, Otis decided to stop pitying himself and pressed on Maeve’s contact image before he could change his mind.
As the tone rang once, twice, three times, he searched the garden with his eyes and found Ruby. She was in the middle of it all, of course, he felt stupid for not remembering that she belongs there.
A year ago, he’d probably mean that snidely, would probably form assumptions about the girl every single day and would roll his eyes at how she seemed to wrap everyone around her around her little finger. It filled him with shame.
This Otis, the version of himself, now, well, it’s not like his self-hatred has changed, but he’d like to think he’s wiser now. Wiser on himself, anyway.
He’s wiser because when he spotted his ex-girlfriend on the dance floor which wasn’t really a dance floor, with a champagne flute in one hand and Adam and Ola dancing around her, he smiled, wider than he’d done in months, if he has to admit it. If he had to be truly and utterly honest, he enjoyed the whole evening more than he thought he would. He didn’t think he’d enjoy it at all.
He’d be ready to give up after the fourth ring and then it abruptly stopped and a hasty Maeve answered, “Hello?”
Otis didn’t know what to say. The silence was awfully loud.
“Hi,” he ended up saying, and the sound scrambled a bit before her voice returned.
“Otis?” she asked and he nodded, then remembered she couldn’t see him and said yes, “What’s going on?”
He had no idea how to answer that question. “My mom’s getting married,” he told her dumbly. She didn’t react the way he expected. She didn’t react much at all.
“Oh,” she says, sounding distracted, “That’s great. Why did you call me?”
“Hm?”
“I just didn’t think you’d call me, is all.”
That makes the two of them. He didn’t take his eyes away from Ruby while they talked, and he swears, till this moment, he’d only had two glasses of champagne, and yet he felt the blood rush to his face at lightning speed. He barely heard Maeve over the sound of Ruby’s laugh.
“I don’t know,” Otis finally answered, and because he was tired of lying to everyone and himself, continued with, “I’ve been avoiding calling you.”
The tiny fear of her yelling at him had evaporated at the sound of her breath, like she sighed in relief. “Welcome to the club.”
He thinks that phone call is why he keeps staring at his ex-girlfriend. He thinks that’s why his heart fucking flutters when she touches his hand and grabs the make-up remover he found, which clearly was the goal in her search, and then she’s disappeared again and Oris feels like he’s been dropped on the floor and shattered like a piece of porcelain.
That’s the most ridiculous part of this whole day, and weekend. The most ridiculous part of this plan is that it worked, and then, it became real. Well, sort of.
“Ruby,” her name slips out of his mouth easily when she returns, and she ignores him at first. Can’t blame her, but he says it again, and this time she looks at him, not a hard stare but a carefully composed expression, no cracks at the edges, unlike himself.
“What is it, Otis?” her voice is just as careful, hard, but tired.
“Tonight was good,” he says, and regrets it immediately, feeling entirely too brave. She looks puzzled. He talks again, “I mean, we pulled it off, right?”
“Sure,” she shrugs.
“You were good.”
Ruby ignores his compliment. He rubs at his bottom lip where he slipped and split it down at the pond, slightly numb. The room is too hot, but maybe he’s just blushing again, he’s not really sure.
“Your mom is wonderful,” the girl suddenly says, and the fondest of smiles grows on her features, one she’s unable to hide, even if she tries. Otis cannot help mirroring it.
“Yeah,” he agrees, “I thought she was so annoying until, like, three years ago. Hated her no matter what she did. She didn’t even do anything annoying, she was just being my mom.”
Ruby’s smile turns slightly wistful. “I thought my dad was so embarrassing growing up,” she explains, “So clingy. I hated it back then. Didn’t think I’d ever miss it.”
He nods in solidarity and the air between them settles, strangely, comfortably. And because Otis is an idiot, he decides to say something very idiotic, “I called Maeve earlier.”
The girl remains painfully neutral, then, “Okay.”
He bites his lip and tastes the blood immediately, cursing himself inwardly, “I hated it.”
This is the first time Ruby turns to him fully, first time he’s looking into her eyes as they change to an unreadable expression and her eyebrows curl in confusion, her mouth curling in a frown. “You don’t have to lie to me to be… nice, or whatever. Don’t pity me.”
“I’m not,” he urges, “I’m telling the truth. I hoped she didn’t pick up. I was relieved when it ended.”
“Okay,” she says again, probably not sure how to react.
“I was just looking at you,” he explains, “All the time. I mean-”
“Otis,” she interrupts, voice small, “You love Maeve, not me.”
“I never said that.”
“That’s the thing,” the girl replies, and suddenly his lips are dry and the metallic taste lingers unpleasantly on his tongue. Ruby looks perfect even when her eyes are wandering and gloss over, when her voice sounds unsure. He hates it, though. Her beauty is a bit too much for him to process, when he’s painfully aware of how her sadness is there because he put it there.
“You said nothing at all. That was enough,” she shrugs again.
“I’m sorry,” Otis says, realising how he’s already fucking this up. Again. Again and again and again. “I’m so sorry. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to say sorry because I didn’t before and I’m a coward. And now my feelings are… I don’t know. They’ve changed.”
Ruby nods in understanding, picking at her fingernail. She still looks sad, and he wishes he could take that sadness back and put it on himself and make his sadness even worse. He’d do it, if he knew how.
“Changed?” she asks, and he nods again.
“I’m scared,” Otis admits.
“Of what?”
“Of doing this again,” he says, “Of breaking your heart again. Of not knowing myself. Of being a coward and a bad person.”
“You’ve been an asshole.”
“Exactly,” Otis agrees, “I keep doing that. I’m scared of it and yet I keep doing it. I can’t be honest with myself because I don’t fucking know myself. I’ve loved Maeve for months, and now it’s like I don’t know her at all. Now it’s like all those thoughts I had about her don’t matter.”
“They must matter,” the girl argues.
He laughs bitterly. “They don’t. Not anymore.”
Ruby doesn’t say anything for a long time. She tucks her hair behind her ear again, and seems like she’s carefully planning every word to say next. Meanwhile, Otis’ brain feels like it’s going to explode.
“I loved you, Otis,” his ex-girlfriend says, “If you’re trying to say you love me back, now, I honestly don’t know how to answer. I’m used to knowing what I’m doing, you know, but with you, it’s like I can’t control myself or anything else.”
“That’s how I’ve felt all my life.”
She laughs at this, actually, and he laughs a little in disbelief. “I’m scared, too, you know?
“Of course,” he says, “I understand, sorry. I know I’m ruining everything again. I didn’t mean to. It’s the only thing I’m good at, sadly.”
Ruby laughs again and touches her bottom lip, the same place where he split his own. Then, she reaches up and runs a hand through his hair and he easily closes his eyes for a moment, leaning into the touch.
“Will you tell me if you’re still scared tomorrow?” she then asks him, “Will you tell me if you’re still changing? If your feelings are changing?”
He nods once, trying not to seem too eager. He’s just sure. “I will. Will you tell me if yours are?”
“I’m always honest with you,” she says instead of an answer, and their smiles grow in syncron, as her frown fades and his head stops hurting so much.
“I know. I’m glad.”